This has been an awful week/weekend. I want to draw a picture of Toast but every time I go into the computer room I break down and cry because the cage she was in is right next to my laptop and the medicine is still in the syringe sitting in front of it and there is still food in the cage. It's heart wrenching.
I'm not ready to go back in there and I'm definitely not ready to move the cage.

My birthday is the day after tomorrow and if anyone was planning on drawing anything (not that I expected any art though) it would mean a lot to me to see some art of Toast.
Here are some pictures of her for reference
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12732805/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11583753/
https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net.....66582276_n.jpg

She was so beautiful and was always so happy and loving. I'd give anything to have her back healthy and well. Even just for a day. I miss her so much already and I don't know what to do to alleviate this awful pain and emptiness I feel. I wish I could just pet her and give her one more kiss on her sweet adorable head.
I love you Toast

I want to take her in today
So if anyone can get a full body commission for $16 that would be wonderful
It's going to take a few days before I'm ready to draw though

Zach posted a beautiful picture of Toast that was taken before she passed away and she had porphyrin on her face. THAT IS NOT BLOOD, IT IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL SUBSTANCE THAT ISN'T UNSIGHTLY. LET US FUCKING GRIEVE AND SHARE HER MEMORY YOU PRICKS
Takes them forever to address serious shit but took them practically no time at all to remove the picture of my departed little Toasters. Some asshole reported it because she had "blood" on her face. GUESS WHAT THEIR SALIVA IS RED TOO

Toast didn't make it through the night. It's so hard to write this. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I want to get her cremated but I hadn't raised enough funds yet.
Please help me guys. I'm $25 short. If to want to commission me or donate send me a note.
I'm getting the basic thing which comes with a complimentary urn, a lock of her fur, her paw print and an in memory card along with her ashes. I want to get a necklace to put some of her ashes in later on down the road.
I appreciate any help I can get please

Gonna save up for another possible vet trip
Aiming for $80 cause that is how much my last visit would have been and it will be enough if I have to cremate her instead if things take a turn for the worst.
If you want to commission me or donate send me a note it'll be pwyw so just let me know how much you want to spend and what art you'd like in return
I reserve the right to decline a commission if I do not feel capable or if it's unreasonable
(like say someone wants to pay $1 for a deluxe picture)

I really appreciate any help I can get guys
I'm not going to be up for drawing today but should feel better by tomorrow. Only going to accept a couple at a time so I don't get overwhelmed

I really really really do NOT want to do anything for my birthday and I'm stressing out just thinking about how I'm going to have to be the center of attention at the barbeque. My mom's best friend's brother wants to come with his whole family. I don't even KNOW him. My dad wants his best friend to come with his whole family. If you are gonna make it a celebration of my birthday at least only invite a couple people who I actually know and am comfortable around. Or you know, make it a barbeque that ISN'T for my birthday so I can hide away and not have to deal with any of this.
I don't like talking to people, I don't like being around people. What is so hard to get about that?

And Toast isn't doing well. She has declined in health and it's all my fault. I tried to put her back in with the other girls and it stressed her out and it made her worse. I'm so scared she isn't going to make it. I should have went with my gut feeling and left her in the hospital cage.

My life is such a fucking mess. I can't do anything right. I'm just going to hide away in my room today and snuggle ratties all day. Probably won't be online much if at all. I have a bad habit of checking FA on my phone so I'll probably be kinda on...I don't know....
I just want to fade away into nothing right now

She says I have really bad anxiety that is taking over my life...
Mostly just talked about my anxiety and panic attacks. Next appointment is next Wednesday.

So my birthday is next Sunday and my mom is forcing me to celebrate it with a barbecue/party. So I figured I'd do a rat themed party. I need ideas for rat related activities as there will be kids (family friends bringing their kids) there more than likely and I just really want to do rat related stuff.
The only thing I can think of is pin the tail on the rat. I'm also gonna do a rat themed cake. Thinking about making myself a rat tail and maybe rat ears to wear too since I have pink fleece- or I might have used it all to make bedding for my rats.
Sooooo yeah... Tell me all your rat ideas if you have any

This morning I walked into my parent's computer room to check on Toast (she is in there so my parents can check on her while I'm asleep) and she was attempting to eat one of the blocks of food in there. She looked to be struggling and putting in more effort than she should be so I grabbed some cheerios and poured water over them to soften them and offered one to her. She got really excited and lunged for the cheerio but she is blind as a bat and grabbed my finger instead. Noticed the texture immediately and let go (it was very soft) so she grabbed the cheerio and chowed down. I gave her a bunch and she has slowly been snacking on them. I also noticed the water bottle wasn't completely full anymore. Last night the water was touching the top and now it's not. So I assumed she was drinking and my dad confirmed it after he got up telling me she was drinking from the water bottle.

She doesn't LOOK any better but she is definitely showing signs of improvement. I've given her two doses and by the fourth dose there is supposed to be noticeable improvement. Hope medicating her becomes easier soon. Right now it takes forever cause I have to give her little by little on my finger tip

Okay so the total was $30 which was more than I was hoping it would be but it's still not that bad. That was for the medicine only. It would have been $80 had it not been a free exam for being new clients.

So Toast either has pneumonia or lung cancer. She was prescribed a type of doxy and should show improvement in 48 hours unless it's lung cancer. If it is lung cancer than there is nothing that can be done and she will need to be put to sleep... I want to get her cremated and keep the ashes if that does happen. I don't know how much it will cost to PTS but I was told it would cost $55 to cremate and have the ashes returned to me. So if that happens I want to do commissions to fund that and I want to get something nice to put her ashes in. Suggestions are welcomed.
I'm scared out of my mind right now...
Toast is my heart rat. I don't want to lose her. She has been hardly eating and will only drink if I give her juice from a syringe. She is skin and bones right now...

First off, Toast is in critical condition right now. She looked like hell when I left for a camping trip but there was nothing I could do about it at the time, she only started getting sick on the 20th. But I just got back and she is super skinny and is really dirty. She won't even get up to get a drink of water. My dad has been taking care of her the whole weekend medicating her but the amoxi doesn't look like it's gonna be able to fight this. It's probably myco related so she needs to go to the vet. My dad has been giving her water from a syringe. The only time she will get up and move around is to say hello and try to snuggle with you. She is hardly eating. I can get a free exam for my first visit for a lot of vets it seems so I'll only need to pay for the medicine and I'm gonna use my boyfriend's mom's care credit card so I can pay for the visit AFTER I take her cause I'm scared she won't survive much longer. It's really really bad.
I'm gonna be doing some commissions either today or after her vet visit if I can get her in today. I'm freaking out. The whole camping trip I was terrified I was going to come back to find her in the freezer if you know what I mean.
Toast is my everything guys, I need to get her better....

Also signal boost for  nniikaa who is raising funds for a service dog http://www.gofundme.com/helpmefundaservicedog

Wanted to write this before I go back to sleep and forget
How much should I have saved up before I actually go start to make sure I can afford any surprise costs and a hefty supply of needles. Cost is the biggest worry I have

So I was tasked with having to come up with earning about $300 in about a week for the electric bill. My dad is a freaking polar bear and AC isn't cheap here. On top of that we are renting this house and are required to pay for a specific pool service. We kept shutting off the water filter to save electricity and they tightened the switch or something so we can't continue to turn it off. We clean the pool daily anyway so it's not like it causes more work for them anyway. Our electric bill is over $500 each month and we just can't afford that.
My brother also just finished his last week at the NCC (its temporary work) so he is moving back in with us but he doesn't have a job anymore. Pretty sure he is helping us out with the money I was supposed to come up with but I still have to pay him back for that anyway. So it doesn't really change anything. But Bubba will be looking for work and so will Zach when he gets back. If everyone had a job things would be great. I think I need to be looking for work too and doing art commissions on the side.
So yeah.... I have to clear out the craft room now so my brother has a room. I have nowhere to put Lightning now (my rat who lives alone because he is aggresive) and I just don't know what to do.
My dad is being an asshole and acts like the only reason I want to see a therapist is so I can get hormone treatment which is bs. I was talking about getting therapy for my anxiety and depression way before I even came out as trans. He is pretty damn confident that they are going to tell me I'm going through a phase and that I'm going to act like the world is ending when they do tell me that. I'm turning 22 at the end of this month I came out for the first time OVER a year ago. If it were a phase wouldn't it be over now? I mean fuck I've been wishing I were male since elementary school. What more do you want from me?
And he was so pissed when Willow was over and was calling me male pronouns. IT MAKES ME HAPPY, SHOULDN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
And I haven't even been shoving this down their throats or anything. In fact I avoid talking about it completely around my dad. Cause he makes rude remarks when I do. I bring it up around my mom a lot to try and get her used to the idea but otherwise I try not to bother her. At least I'm being understanding about how this affects them and how hard it is to get used to it.
I don't know what to do. I can't remember to even call the damn therapist.

I don't want to talk to a ton of different people at once cause it will only stress me out even more. Just one or two people please....

So I finally got enough courage to call to schedule a therapy appointment with my mom's work as I'm covered under her work's insurance. Basically I told them the issues and the lady made sure to find therapists who also specialize in gender identity stuff. So I have a list of therapists and I need to pick one, call them and schedule an appointment. I get five free visits and after that it starts coming out of our insurance and then if that dries up it only costs 20% apparently. Hopefully I won't end up costing anything to go.

So yea....parents say I better make sure I can afford HRT if I'm going to do that cause they don't plan/intend to help me. So I'm probably gonna hold off on that but I still want to go to therapy and hopefully get approved still.
So I really need to get overdue stuff out of the way so I can start saving up to afford that. Cause let me tell you. I never really had much an issue with dysphoria cause I was pretty content with the way things were but it's been getting worse and worse now that I'm actually identifying as male because I feel I just couldn't pass no matter how hard I try. It's really complicated....

I got a lot of stuff I need to do cause I let things get out of hand awhile ago before I started doing commission streams. And I pushed things off to the side kinda out of necessity. Either way it got out of hand a long time ago and I really need to fix this before it ruins me.
Please if I owe you anything send me a note with all the details and we will work something out whether it's a refund or otherwise. If you want a refund I have to do more commissions to afford it. I have had zero issues streaming commissions and it's probably going to be the only way to commission me in the future until I get organized.
This is an unfortunaye truth but I'm trying to get my shit together. And as soon as I get old stuff out of the way the more relaxed I can be and finally start doing a lot more.

Good news is it WAS NOT a virus. It was just a thing that was bundled with my download. My AVG still won't open though....
I could not for the life of me put my computer into safe mode but after restarting so many times my computer gave me a bunch of options and I was able to do a windows restore which reset my computer back to before I downloaded the thing. I then downloaded the malwarebytes thing that removed over 360 non-malware items that were unwanted download things. AVG still will not open...
So I don't know what is going on with that....might have to uninstall then reinstall but I'm going to wait until my boyfriend is back from his trip in a couple weeks and let him do that cause I should not be trusted with computers. Either way my computer is safe right now so that is good.

I have an asus laptop and my dumb ass just got a virus
How do I start up my laptop in safe mode and do that reset thing where I delete all downloads from a certain time?

You might want to unwatch me. I'm not going to be doing constant gore art but there WILL be gore art. Just want to give everyone a heads up.

My parents don't care for my name choice. They think I can come up with a more original and creative name than Tory. I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO REACT TO THIS. I kinda want to play around with some name ideas cause I mean how many people get to pick their name. (They also think it's a girl's name and if anything I should pick a more masculine name)
So yea....if you want to suggest some guy names feel free.
I also was kinda fancying the name Vincent. I really like victorian era names.
So yea....hit me
I also need a middle name lol
My birth middle is a very very girly name....

Also good news, the binder is not too small. I'm just a newb.... I wore it for -counts on fingers- between 7 and 8 hours. It's very comfortable and easy to breathe in EXCEPT for under my arms. I thought I'd be bleeding by the time I took it off. Nothing hurts even after wearing it for that long and it compresses so freaking well. I'm so happy you have no idea. I just need assistance getting it on and off is all

So I got my binder and I can't put the damn thing on. I tried to step into it but my fat ass is too big for that. And I can't pull it over my head either unless I had someone help me AND I'M HOME ALONE RIGHT NOW
I don't think it's too small for me but then again I don't know how these things work. So I'm really hoping it isn't too small. I know I measured right and it should be plenty enough big for me but you know the sizes don't take in account of ass sizes and lemme tell you I unfortunately have a very large butt

Decided I should do it too xD
There are certain ones that I won't answer truthfully because reasons

Personal

Name: Tory Voltage
Nickname: Volt, Volty
Location: Southwest united states
Age: 21
Height: 5'6
Zodiac sign: Virgo
Any pets: Two dogs and nine rats
Favorite thing about yourself: The fact I can draw I guess
Worst habit: Popping my knuckles and bouncing my knee
Fun fact: I love food

Identity, Sexuality & Personality

Gender identity: Transmale
Sexual preference: Men
Romantic preference: Men
"Kinsey Scale" score: The test failed, I guess I'm an unusual person or misinterpreted some of the questions

Relationship status: Taken in a closed relationship
Myers/Briggs type: INFP
Hogwarts House: I took a quiz and it placed me in gryffindor

Routine


"Early Bird" or "Night Owl": Night owl
Bath or shower: Shower
First thought in the morning: Too tired, gonna sleep more

Last thought before falling asleep at night: Well lately it's been I wish Zach were here. If he were here it would be something like damnit, why does he never cuddle me

School/Work


Do you work or are you a student: I work, my job is commissions xD
What do you perform well in: Science
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: Hopefully somewhere green where it actually snows in the winter

Habits (Do you…?)

Drink: I hate alcohol
Smoke: Never
Do drugs: Nope
Exercise: I exercise off and on, usually for a couple days, then I fall out of it then exercise again. I really need to start doing it consistently
Have a go-to comfort food: Eggs
Have a nervous habit: I'm not sure, usually when I'm nervous I'm not really aware of what I'm doing

What is your favorite…?

Physical quality (in yourself): I'm really not sure, I'm kinda indifferent
In Others: Hair is like everything
Mental/emotional quality (in yourself): When I'm not being mopey and sad I like how happy I CAN be
Food: I have too many to list, mussels, dumplings, eel, sushi, avocado, crab
Drink: Sweet iced tea and horchata
Animal: Hyenas, donkeys, crocodiles, rats, bats
Artist/Band/Group: Mindless self indulgence, creature feature, korn, static x, reel big fish
Author/Poet: Pssssh I don't read
TV Show: Walking dead and Game of thrones
Actor/Actress: Adam Sandler

Ordered the chest binder on Tuesday and just got a call today basically saying that the binder I ordered is backordered and they won't get any in until Monday, I was given the choice to choose an alternate color which would ship today and as bad as I want a binder I really don't want to get one I'm not going to be happy with so I decided to wait until they get more of the black one in. I can't can't do nude or white.
They said that it should arrive by next friday. Really hoping cause otherwise I'm not gonna be a very happy camper. I'll only have myself to blame of course but still. I have issues with wearing lighter colors, I won't even wear anything but black socks. The ONLY lighter color I will wear in excess is green. I also usually wear blue carpenter jeans just out of necessity because all my darker colored pants have all torn or worn out. Ffff my only pants left that are black are my tripp pants....I really need to buy new pants..... -flops-

What are your experiences with public bathrooms and do you have any advice regarding that area.
I know most avoid them at least pre t but like what if I'm successfully passing some of the time but not all the time and I really have to use the bathroom or something.

I do not have a chest binder yet and I reaaaaaally want to look into getting one.
What kind do you recommend and I think I need help with sizing maybe, do I measure underneath these awful things on my chest?
I saw this one http://www.underworks.com/tri-top-chest-binder and I got super excited when I saw that it is only $30 and one of the reviewers says that it successfully compresses their 38D chest. I'm either 38D or 38C I believe but I have to measure just to be sure which I haven't done yet.

So tell me anything you can about binders pleeeeease?