I am delivery borb.
I take Breads and Seed for service.
Shaking them tail feathers.
That is all.

So through the second part of 2022 and into 2023 I have done a lot of self reflection, and feel I'm in a much better place mentally then I was this time last year. I have changed a lot as a person, I'm more sociable, less pessimistic, I'm enjoying things more, and enjoying more thing's. I'm not looking at people and activities in the same negative way I used to before. I'm managing my negativity and outlooks in a better, healthier way.
One of the BIG, If not the biggest catalyst for this is the fact I have been diagnosed with ADHD, which is now being treated and the difference it has made to me is incredible. And I'm not over selling it when I say that, so much of my doubts and negative thoughts are much easier to handle, to logic out and to calm now that my brain isn't going a billion miles an hour obsessing over every little thing and going over every possible outcome of the smallest interaction.


With this internal, soul searching and just idle character development chat with folk, I at first thought that I had been writing the character of Voncloud wrong, that certain details were wrong and how I had been writing in was different. I also thought he was more a Dragon then a fox because that was a reflection of me. But I realise now that its not the species but the character that's wrong, or more, out of date.
Fox/Dragon Von was a reflection of me, My personality mixed with my life and experience rolled into an avatar. It was created at a much darker time in my life, when I was as close to my lowest point as was possible. It became my outlet, my way to express all that in a character. The Feeling of failing, the need for care and for someone else to take control at a stage where I felt like I had none. Being a recluse always watching from the outside, feeling like I can't get close to anyone whilst desperate to be close.
It was a bad time.

I have move passed that life, I have outgrown my avatar as it were. I have been obsessing a little over my Sona and character to the point of madness, not that I don't enjoy developing characters and what not, but It was getting frustrating until I realised I need to reboot. Redo the character based on me now.

So moving forward I am making a new Voncloud. One based on my current self and happier times from the past. As a child and probably into my early teen's Tigers were my thing. Alot of my influences or go tos were tigers. Video games, programs, tattoos you name it.
As such I will be recreating myself/sona/character as a White Tiger. Same name, and some of the same traits but most importantly, a fresh Start.

The Fox/Dragon Von will still be around but it will be retired as my avatar as it were, it is a chapter of my life that is now closed, and will remain as a reminder and a creative asset should it be needed.

So yeah, big ol change and update for you.

Cheerios!

Ever wanted your own Unicorn? Of course you have.
Head on over to  LaDameKittyRouge's Sale here https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35395133/ and get your hands on a super cutey

So I have managed to convert my fiancé to the furry fandom and she has turned her artistic talent to drawing Furs. Right now she intends to sell adoptables and the like. However there is more behind the story so I am signal boosting not only her commissions but her story. Please have a read and consider looking into commissions from her.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9426183/

My go fund me to help Tori is still on going we have made a little bit of dosh! be sure to share if you can!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/friends-.....cp+share-sheet

I posted the Wrong link in my Go fun me Journal Ive updated it now! dont hurt me!

"When it Rain's it Pours"
Tori unfortunately embodies this saying, not only being a medical Mute to already give her a harder time with life then many, but life seems to enjoy kicking her to the curb more times then seems fair. She has gone through battles with her health and issues with vandalism to her property more then once to name a few, and yet despite all this, she is one of the most compassionate, friendly, helpful, deeply caring people you will ever meet. She has been nothing but a great friend to me always willing to help and offer advice or comfort with no expectation of reward or recognition, and its safe to say there are many many more out there who would agree with that statement and hold her close to their hearts as i do.

The Reason for this Gofundme is recently Tori had her bag stolen from her which contained her phone, purse and a tablet, which she relies upon to communicate with others. This is the tip of an iceberg of misfortune, burning through her reserves to pay for damaged and stolen items that have occurred through 2019 and already into 2020. So much so she has to consider selling her worldly goods,such as her Car, and the Intellectual Property many of us have come to know her for.

I hope to band together and help bring back some light to Tori's already tainted New Year and lay down the foundations for it to become a Happy one.

Please post about this Go Fund me in your own journals if you can, as i do not have that many followers myself ^^;

https://www.gofundme.com/f/friends-.....cp+share-sheet

Time for one of them Updates that seem popular amongst folk.

So first the Good. For those who know me personally i have suffered from Major Depression for a long long long long time (and a bit longer then that). It has been a big contributor to my personality, the way I've treated people in the past, my views on life and expectations. Well since the beginning of the year i finally have been in Therapy, CBT specifically, and i have been making great progress, sure i have my wobbles and off days but in general i have been taking on board the techniques I'm being taught. It has changed me for the better, I'm being more sociable then i used to be, less of a bitter grumpy douche, being more proactive with most things rather then sitting and moping hoping for something to happen and generally being more positive. A cliche to say it but it has, and is, changing my life for the better and I'm trying so so hard to keep this going forever.

A bigger part of The good is that me and my Girlfriend Kim are no longer Boyfriend and Girlfriend, we are now Fiance's, and although we got engaged in a very, not romantic or typical way it was perfect for us embodying how we are and our relationship. Though i did propose to her properly at a later date using my Grandmothers Rings, was on one knee and everything. Although we have been together a short time it feels right, though we both agree we are ganna enjoy being engaged for a while before we think about actually tying the knot.

Onto the bad. As some may know Kim suffers from a fair amount of health conditions which led to me becoming her carer, as such we live off the state. This means we rely upon benefit payments, i myself get whats called Carers allowance and she gets Employment Support Allowance (ESA) and Personal Independence Payments (PiP). Now, she was on PiP before we got together due to the mobility restrictions of her hips and her mental health having been granted the second highest rate available. Since her original Claim her Mobility issues have worsened along with new conditions being diagnosed, such as the Non-Epileptic attacks and the Adult Asthma. We updated her ESA and my Carers with this new information both of which accepted the update happilly and continued to pay us the correct rate. PIP however, went the other way, we contacted them to not only update them on Kims conditions, something we are obliged to do by law, we also requested that we go up to the highest rate of PIP which allows the use of the Disabled Badge and use of the Mobility Scheme which gives us a Disabled Friendly Vehicle. Instead, they turned around and have reduced her money citing that her mobility is somehow better then when she originally claimed and that when she went for her assessment she didn't show any signs of mental health. So now we have less money to try and live off of whilst going through the lengthy appeals process which is causing us both heaps of stress.

Now the painful. Unfortunately i myself am now dealing with Chronic pain, the pain is located in my right side around my ribs, this started 2 years ago whilst i was working, but it came and went and wasn't all that noticeable. Fast Forward to now and its not only constant it is excruciating. Its becoming more and more difficult to do basic tasks, even sitting at my computer quickly becomes to much to bear at times and so i have to retreat and lay down until the sensation is tolerable. As you can imagine this impacts my role as Kim's carer and is making my recovery from depression rather hard. Right now they think its something called Costochondritis which as far as i know is an inflammation of the muscle and cartilage between your ribs and the chest wall, the issue i have is there's no known cause nor is there any real treatment other then painkillers and anti inflammatory's. So it sucks big time, the other concern i have though is that there feels like a physical body which im having to poke my Dr about to have looked at as i fear there maybe something more untoward going on, so id rather it be looked at and nothing be there then to not look and something be there.

So BIG ol update over and done with, i appreciate if you have read it all, despite it all I'm holding my chin up and plodding on

After a ripple or two, the water closes over your head as if you had never existed. You are not indispensable after all. Your fellow townsmen will have something to talk about for a few days. Your neighbour's will profess shock and enjoy it. One or two might miss you, perhaps your family, who will resent the disgrace. Your creditors will resent the inconvenience. Your lawyers will be pleased. Your psychiatrist will be displeased. The priest or minister or rabbi will say a few words over you and down you will go on the green tapes and that's the end of you. In a surprisingly short time, everyone is back in the rut of his own self as if you had never existed.

Okay so as some may or may not know i got into a relationship near the front end of Febuary, with someone ive been crushing on for about a year, we have been friends for 3 years and she was in a relationship. It broke down and we ended up together which is all hunky dory.

However my gf has a few physical problems that make her less then fully mobile, Hip impingement in both hips and hip displasia in one so she lives in perpetual pain. Me and her were thinking it might be worth me leaving my job to become her carer until the operations and all the other stuff she needs have been completed and she gets her mobility back. However she started to have what we can only guess are absence seizures, basically its like she zones out and isnt fully aware of whats going on, could say shes buffering or trying to find connection.

She had one of these in the shower and had i not been there she would of fallen, i took a few days off work as these seemed to become more frequent and it was decided that i will become her carer earlier then planned. Last Sunday however the Siezures became physical, shes started to have actual Fits but it was one then she would be okay for a few hours then another. On Thursday she ended up having a cluster, so she went into a fit, came out then seconds later fitted again she did it a fair number of times, in the fourth i called for an ambulance.
She got taken to our local A+E where she was given anti convulsive s and was stabilised before being admitted to a ward. She had been there till yesterday Wednesday where she was diagnosed with Non-Epileptic Seizures. This means we have to try and essentially work out what her trigger is without any treatment, fun times.

So as stated above im now her carer which is great because im basically paid to hang out with my GF all day but the problem is, you dont get alot of dosh for being a carer, its enough for us to get by thats not a worry but it means i wont be getting any more Art done in the foreseeable future or buying new games to play and what not, so its not likly any new Von or Celcius stuff will be done outside of writing.

This does lead to the fact that ive not been around online as much as before (i doubt anyone noticed) my gf's ex spent ALL his time on his PC and essentially ignored her for the last couple years of their ten year relationship, so im worried if i use my computer she will feel the same way which wouldn't be my intention at all, but this does mean im not comfy being on my PC just in case, i do have a laptop which is what im on now it cant really play anything but its good enough to be on discord watch twitch and what not and im hoping to somehow afford a laptop that can play games as that would help with issues like Space, if i wanna set up my PC i have to use the dining table but we often use the table for when my daughters come round so i have to pack it back up again, ive not bothered setting it back up now.

So ya lots of big changes going on. There is some other stuff but i think ive typed enough and id be surprised if anyone even reads the journal let alone got this far but ya thats whats going on in my life.

I realise now that as said above im not in the circle. And for awhile i tried to be but its obviously not my place. So im not ganna try any more its obviously who i am and how its ment to be. In the grand scheme of things im an extra in a tv show like Larry the lobster in spongebob.

We all know of the character larry he often appears in episodes sometimes with dialogue and once in a while hes even a main part of an episode or two but he's not part of the main cast hes just there. And that is essentially me.

I realize this now and just accept it i guess. My lack of being around latley isnt really noticed so just adds to the "extra" anology.
Im not ganna worry about it anymore its not worth trying to be part of somehing im not meant to be part of. Trying to be someone im obvioisly not.

Some will already know others not so much but this time of year, personally i hate it. its littered with nothing but bad memory's for me most recently being my mothers death this passing New years Eve.
Its highly likely im going to be more sarcastic and passive aggressive then normal so tbh ill probably end up going very quiet for a while.
Although the pain i was in is mostly under control, a diagnosis of Costochrontitus(sp?) its been enough of a problem for work to be "cautious" over how much overtime they are willing to give me and in which departments, and such the amount of overtime i can get has become scarce. Im only contracted to work 5 hour days for 4 days, this earns me barley enough to pay my bills and help my dad run the house.Normally i do enough overtime to give me 9 hour work days Mon-Fri that earns me enough money to pay bills with some left over. So right now im stressing over Christmas, as much as i dont celebrate it, i refuse to have people buy me things for Christmas i tend to be on my own over the festive period there is the matter of my daughters.

I make sure i do my best to give them as good a Christmas as is possible but with my situation being how it is, im depressed over the fact they may get VERY little, their mom and her partner are swamped with their own bills and i know what they have got are small presents of the usual things you would get, but nothing extravagant.

It sounds shallow but considering they live in an area with friends whose parents are much better off, i cant help but wonder how my girls would feel going back to school with their friends who have all these nice gifts and all they managed to get was some doodle books and hair brushes. I KNOW it shouldn't be that which matters but i know what its like being in that position.

Had my health not dived like it did i wouldn't even be in this position but this is whats getting me even further down. I forced myself to work, i kept going in i kept honouring the overtime i signed up for,, i did my best. And it means nothing, i feel like im being punished for being ill, for lack of a better way of putting it im fucked money wise, i have ENOUGH to exist and nothing more.

My best wasn't going enough, my imagination is very good at, well imagining what things look like according to my brain and its not good. It feels unfair.

Im ranting raving/venting im not even sure wy i bothered to post on here, i dunno. bleh

Over the next few days i wanna start re-adding folk i removed from Steam and Discord, I had it in my mind that id do this when i felt the time was right however my youngest cub actually told me off for my decision to stop talking to my friends telling me that friends are there to help. Shes 6...

I will be trying to add folk by memory but if some of you would be kind enough to comment (or note if you dont want it public) with your Steam and/or Discord. I promise im not ganna have another melt down any time soon®

if you would rather just add me over commenting then my discord is Voncloud#8381 and Steam is Aazalot

so yeah, for those who noticed i vanished, not just disabled accounts like before, i full on removed everyone from my IM type things like Steam and Discord. And ill be honest, i have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

The short story is, my depression is winning, I'm in a spiral beyond which ive been in before, my health continues to deteriorate and im in, in essence, a sort of auto pilot, i sleep, i work, nothing more.
I removed everyone because i convinced myself that's how its meant to be, that I'm to be alone through my own doing, this to me was proven by the fact that im not that sociable, that noone really messages me and even though ive done my best over the past few months to be more sociable to be the one to message others to evoke a conversation its always felt like those i message would rather i didn't.
Then there's this thing i know i do where when i feel crap or jealous or sour or whatever i want to make others feel bad about it, which isn't right nor is it fair, another reason then to stay way from others for you do not deserve to be made to feel crap just because i do.

my life is crap because ive allowed the bad things out of my control bring me down leading to a lack of motivation to deal with and change the things that are within my control. I have an overriding sense that this is the best i can be, this lack luster no skilled dead end job having waste of flesh is it, ive topped out, so my thoughts dwell on why should i continue on? All i do is earn just enough money to exist whilst others that i know have gone to beautiful areas of the world, have gone and got the job they wanted, bought themselves a nice home with a family. All things that by rights i could do but i just cant. I cant explain why i cant, the thoughts and wants are there but i just cant bring myself to do it. Much like many depression i guess "memes" where you see the person say "ima do a thing" then theres a shadow thats in the ear whispering "no you cant" That is VERY VERY much like how it is.

I dont know what to do, i have no idea what im doing, i know i should go talk to my Dr more but i was so proud that i got off my Anti depressants i feel im letting myself down if i go back on them. i did go to CBT Therapy but i didnt feel it was what i needed, at least not right now.
So yeah..thats that. ill likly disable this account again once the Cooldown is up but i guess i wanted those who might wonder to know what was going on.

See Me Take my bows
And im headed for the exits
i can't stick around
This lifes been hard and i cant see the sense in fighting it anymore
cant you let me go
wont you show me the door.

So a quick question for folk.
When people up load writings do you prefer it to be basically written into the Info area so its readable straight away or as a text document you have to download/open?

The night shivers out
Hymns upon lonely gray wings
They drift like a sigh

One of the artists i follow posted a help journal linking to  KarenHimura needing help to bring their daughter home. the journal is here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8351108/ which links to a go fund me page, its not alot they are asking for so if theres any of you who i know that are able to contribute please do
https://www.gofundme.com/wvwjf8-get.....-daughter-home

Okay so a journal for those who care.
At present life is pretty shitty but for legit reasons not because Im just feeling sour over silly things.
Last month..or month before i forget i was diagnosed with Non Alcoholic fatty liver disease which in itself isn't as bad as it sounds, just means i have a strict diet and exercise regime to follow. What is bad is that as far as we know the Liver disease is causing me chronic pains on my upper abdomen that for lack of a better way of saying, makes me want to curl up and cry it hurts that much, nothing i do alleviates the pain not the pain killers not being in certain positions nothing. So because of that i had been signed off work for a month whilst they investigate.

Now though im forced back to work as the company will no longer be paying sick pay as ive used up my entitlement because of only been there a short time and if my pay cheque i got today is any indication i cannot even afford to be off sick at all. Almost feels like ive been penilized for being unwell.

To add to my misery my computer has basically had it, 5 years of service and its throwing in the towel i have done everything i can think of to try and keep it going but something on it is dead/dying everything's pointing to either motherboard or CPU, whichever it is i cannot fix it and i cannot afford to replace or rebuild because of the above mentioned lack of money from illness. My brothers been kind enough to give me his old laptop which will do as a desktop but it wont be for game playing. I am going to see if i can get a decent comp on the ol Finance but im not crossing my fingers

On the plus side due to my finances being as crap as they are i wasn't able to afford my painkillers AND my Anti depressants, so i went without the latter, due to being in pain i was spending alot of time asleep so i slept through the withdrawal symptoms from my Anti Depressants and now Im not on them at all, and i feel for the most part great for it, my mind doesn't feel as clouded and things that would get to me im now dealing with like a normal person, im not 100% yet but im certainly improving.

So TL;DR In Lots of pain
Money before health
Computers dead
No more Happy pills for me

After much thinking and going over past experience ive come to the conclusion that its better that i remain outside of the larger parts of activity when it comes to the social rings I'm part of, this includes not being in Discord chats/groups and to accept that im not made to be in such places with such people.

I am painfully aware that at times people haven't been sure how to take what ive said or how im being, i come across as cold, or sarcastic or any other such words that generally mean a person is unpleasant to be around. Thats my fault and mine alone. For a while i figured it was because of my situation because of my depression, but thats bullshit. Upon reflection i realize this has been my pattern for god knows how long ive pushed away people for very much the same things that occur now. I become petty, jealous and bitter over stupid things, and because i feel that way i then start to try and make other people feel crap because i do. Its a cycle that ive done over and over and ive pushed close friends away and likly to do the same again.
I made a really good go at not being this person and i think i did rather well for a time but it took such a small thing to make me feel all those feelings again and i just reverted to type.
Its obvious that this is who i am and how i am, and no amount of trying is going to change that because it takes so little for me to go back.
So this is it, i shall remain ever the proverbial lone wolf. I think its better this way its my nature i guess. Of course those of you who have me on the various messengers are welcome to contact me but outside of that im not likly to be around.

ignore my last journal was a stoopid idea. Angefox for life

First of all plug for  NightArt As they are doing a free art raffle for reaching 700 watchers Go check it out here
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/230.....#cid:118294265

Now then Angefox no more, after much deliberation, thinking, and what not ive decided that the Voncloud Character/Sona will from hence forth be a Wolf. Yes i know MASSIVE change right? Big stretch of the imagination.
Reason for this stems from the fact people were looking at the art and saying he was a wolf, since one of these times occured during my rather contemplative state i started to consider the possibility of acctully having him be one. As such i begun to look into Wolves and to find they arnt too disimilure to foxes in the way they behave but theres also alot about them that match me as a person and Von as the character one major part being the pack mentality wolves have. Story wise Von is an outcast, cast out from the Angels and forced to be a Fallen (a Mortal excommunicated Angel) Much like a wolf being kicked out of its pack. Yet he is fiercely loyal whilst also being a Lone..Well Wolf. I think it also gives a better option for a more savage feral like Von later on down the line.

So there you have it, a journal you dont care about talking about a topic you couldnt care about from an idiot ranting away about nothing. So have a good day.

Voncloud The Angewolf

Freind of mine is in need of some funds, so shes open for commisions, So think about giving her a look see

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8146567/