Alright this is something that i dunno should be annoying me as much as it does, BUT IT DOES!

Ive gotten tired of people mistaking my Sona / Voncloud as a Wolf just because hes grey SO ive decided a redesign or even a change may be in order.

Before i go into that some might think "but Von why didnt you just be a normal fox colour?" Well the reason is because Von/mySona is an Arctic Fox. "But Von Arctic foxes are white" you might say. Ahaha you are correct but also so so so so so SO Wrong. Arctic foxes are White in the winter during the warmer months their coat is a grey/brown colour as seen in this photo.
http://bioweb.uwlax.edu/bio203/s200.....ummerwhite.jpg
and this one
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:.....s_IMG_9019.JPG
The colouring in those pictures is very similar to the Coloration you see on Voncloud.

So currently my ideas are as follows:
Make Vons fur completely white with black highlights and change his ears to be small like an Arctic fox

Make him a more Common Fox colour and in turn changing what kind of fox he is removing the "enjoys the cold" aspect of my personality.

Change what Creature he is entirely to:
A Dragon
A Phoenix
A Gryphon.
A wolf
Those are me thoughts atm any other suggestions are welcome of course.

So just a warning im going to be reuploading all the Art that i had on here so be prepared for notification spam XD
YOU ARE WARNED
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITeuaqcpckc

Alright so this is ganna be a massive mix of Venting admission contemplation and update I guess?

So to start things off, the reason why my FA/DA was stripped of content and then deactivated. The reason behind it all was the fact that with my depressive mind being how it is I end up being a massive contradiction. See I wanna be involved with people as friends I wanna take part in things be included and just have a generally nice time with folk sharing ideas playing games so on and so on. I'm not great at conversation or starting them and I find it very easy to just keep to myself as even though I'm told and reassured otherwise I feel like if I message people first I'm being a pest, a needy dog (or fox) wanting attention so I become even more reclusive. In turn this leads to me feeling kinda bitter and resentful because people don't then message me first or include me in things which then feeds more into the desire to remain alone because I convince myself that people don't WANT me around and that it would be better for all that I wasn't around. These thoughts reached a whole new peek recently which led to me actually taking steps to leaving hence the removing of content deactivations etc. I had reached the point I was going to either remove people from my various messaging programs or create whole new accounts. I was in a very contemplative state during this period since it was the holiday season and I get low during it any ways so its quite easy to spiral down into a pit of despair and begin to question everything about ones being and for once and very much out of character for me I admitted I wasn't okay and I wasn't coping. It seems silly but to do that is a big big step for me at any time I'm so used to having to deal with my stresses on my own that its incredibly hard for me to open up or talk about what's bothering me. So I did I spoke about it to someone who despite the amount of folk I could speak to is someone I can trust not to bubble wrap things and give it to me straight and it helped beyond measure.
Now the issues I've mentioned above are just the specific things happening in this particular environment its not a cause/root of my depression just something that on top of everything else I wasn't dealing with very well however I accept that all of the above whether I like it or not and people agree or not is my own fault and my own doing a horrid loop of thoughts and behaviours all feeding into the cycle.
It was made quite clear that I give people the impression id rather be left alone which I guess I kinda did but not without meaning to but at the same time meaning to. I don't want to be alone, in fact that in itself is a big contributor to my depression the fact I am alone in many ways in real life.

With this all said and ill put my paws up and say just typing this is making me feel quite a lot better, I fully intend to try and change all of this to be more vocal, more friendly and proactive with the people who I know, like and care for, to not allow myself to become bitter at those who for whatever reason may be super popular, at those who are in relationships, at those who seem to always be in the limelight. As it was recommended to me I could do with rebranding myself, now ill be honest I'm not entirely sure what I've been branded as but I suspect its a Grumpy Fox who would rather be on his tod (hah fox tod..see what I did there) then to be involved with anything. I assure you this isn't how I wanted it to seem, well maybe the grumpy part but the rest not so much so I wish to change this possible perception people have of me that I've developed.

I've reactivated DA/FA and will be reuploading what was there before along with everything else I've had done in the past but I'm delaying this slightly as for those who do not know my mother sadly passed away on new years eve so as you can imagine this has somewhat put a damper on pretty much anything I'm wanting to do. BUT along with FA/DA I'm going to endeavour to fix all of the issues I've stated above, this is a massive I guess healing process? for me to try and get out of the cycles and holes I've made for myself. I hope my friends and folks who follow me appreciate this is going to be quite a long process for me and I would like to ask for some support, just a little poke here an there if I haven't been chatty (excusing my time of grieving), a consideration if you have new ideas or even playing vidya games and looking for people to play with, little things like that.

Phew that was a shed ton to say and I do feel better for it but since I know some of you folk are super lazy ill put a TL;DR

1: Deactivated FA/DA cause of Depression fuelled Loneliness
2: Spoke to a person who slapped sense into me
3: Mother Passed away on New years Eve.
4: Endeavour to change and rebrand who I am
5: Please help by poking me and thinking of me if your looking for people to play games or to do ideas with.

Im finished i cant keep up trying to be part of anything when its obvious i not good at it. So i shall slink into the darkness. It was a good run though

For all those partaking in Movember this year
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBeSi-ODfJk

So As a curiousness i wondered if other peoples choice in Animal and traits are as thought out as mine was. Since im sure that a vast majority of people choose an animal because "its their favorite" but when i look back on my own character theres so much more to it then just because foxs are my fave.

Now the initial start was like most, based on my fave Animal, a Fox which was reinforced by Fox Mccloud since Starfox is one of my fave series'. However i decided that it should be an Arctic fox as i enjoy and prefer the cold to hot weather. Now arctic foxs have small ears whereas Von has normal sized fox ears, this was based on the idea that i like to think im a very good listener i spend (well spent..) alot of time being a listening ear to any who might need to vent need someone to talk to or someone to help.
the mismatched eyes was just a mistake i made when i joined Second Life since it was the first time i could actually make a visual representation of my character and i just forgot to change one of the eyes and decided to keep it xp

In a previous journal I mentioned I felt easily ignored and that continues to persist and I don't know what to do. I'm not great at conversation and those that I manage to spark up don't last all that long. I don't have much interesting to say I guess and unless I message first noone talks to me. I really don't know what to do about it but right now i feel as if I could just go and noone would really notice since no one really notices when I'm around any way.

Today I had a perfect example of how something so simple can be twisted into a depressing thought and how good my mind is at creating a picture of it. Those from you who suffer depression might understand and relate and those who do not will get a glimpse of what goes on

I work at generic supermarket no 12 and today whilst doing till work I scanned an item that was called the ultimate tasting experience. It was a box with 2 glasses 2 mini tonic waters and a mini gin. As I read the name on the box i get a very vivid image of a dark lonely dining room with a single lamp light with a figure maybe me maybe someone else I worry about i don't know with this tasting kit set out on the table. Just sat there with this "ultimate tasking kit" alone no real joy to be found.

This is all from scanning a damn product as I work. no rhyme or reason to the thought it just occurs. And it happens with a lot of things simple mundane things.

There was no real purpose to this post other then a small example of what I deal with every day.

Ive come to accept that im meant to be on my own and alone. Ive worked out that im easially ignorable and forgetable and to be honest that makes sense. Im not very good at starting conversation im not an interesting person i struggle to maintain freindships and i have issues that frankly i dont wish to burden people with.
Its not nice to feel ignored its even worse to figure out that your ignored because of your own doing even with the best will in the world i have trouble being the one to send the first message. And this is before i even reflect on my IRL situation. I have tried and ive still ended up somehow being over looked people who would message me first generally dont anymore, those who were the closest to me or have even said they loved me dont even acknoladge i exist now that they have someone or something better in their lives.
So ive come to the conclusion that this is how its meant to be, im meant to be on my tod (hah, fox, tod im so clever).

 drpossibly Is running one of them big ol compitions she does. So i thought id share it with those who might want to join in, there are prizes to be won! so you know its good!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19468631/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19468631/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19468631/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19468631/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19468631/

Thanks to all who must push this into everyone's face. That is all

Im going to explain this here, as its a difficult thing to say once, let alone lots of times to lots of people who geniuinly want to know whats up. Now, i feel that this is something that most if not all of the people i know cannot really help me with, as such that thought tends to give reason for me not to say it at all so as not to burden others.
Those of you who do know, i have children, 2 Daughters to be exact, my eldest turns 6 this coming new years day, my youngest turning 5 in febuary. However they dont live with me, they live with their mother, i have full access to my girls, and i see them every sat without fail and any other days i can manage. the issue is, as much as i can see my girls, i still miss alot, i dont get to help them get up in the morning for school, i rarley get to pick them up and hear about their day, i wasnt there to be the tooth fairy when my eldests teeth fell out, all of the little details like that i miss, only knowing about it when i get told by them or their mother. Then theres the leaving after each visit, i cannot ever shake the sheer look of devestation on my youngests face when i tell her after reading her a story and tucking her in that i have to go home now, that i will see her soon, she cant not grizzle or cry, my eldest is a little more use to it but even she has to ask, Why cant i stay? Can i sleep over. Today though was the worst, i spent 3 days there for xmas, both started to cry as i began getting my things into the car, as i got my last bag they had got out of bed and were stood by their bedroom door, just, looking at me. I cannot possibly describe the sadness in their eyes. All of this just makes me feel like a big tub of fail, i know its not just my fault but the fact i can do little about it, that everything i miss, all the days im not there, ill never get that back, ill never get a chance to have that time again, a very daunting realisation i can tell you. For all of my recent attempts at being "positive" which have been successful, just one look from my girls as i leave can turn the best week into the worst.

Whats worse is, i dont know anyone in the same position, none. Can you see why i feel its pointless to talk about this to anybody? what would you say? what would you advise? not alot if you havent been or are in this situation. This is one of the reasons why i am so down, why i reclude myself this is my burden to bear for me to deal with. Im putting this here because i know i cant keep doing this alone and right now i have the clarity to say it which i may not have tommorow. So there we have it, one of the big pieces of my depressed mind out in the open.

I'm tired of just being a side line. An onlooker watching as others seem to be able to move on find someone or something and I remain where I am. I do what I can for people I care and look after others I do everything I can for others for my mom for my kids even my ex the kids mom I do whatever to make her happy for the kids sake all the while sitting listning to her go on about her boyfriend all the while I crave a chance for redemption for the mistakes I made. No matter what I try nothing changed I feel ignored overlooked abandoned by those once close to me and yet I continue being how I am sitting listning. I don't do what I do for thanks or reward but I can't help but see people asshole folk who for one reason or another would be considered less deserving and yet they seem to get what they wish perhaps that's my perception but I can't help seeing it and I'm tired. I have a small window into my children's lives a mother with an illness with no cure who I cannot help I spent all my strength mental and physical to deal with and better cope with my depression and for what ? I'm tired of it all just the realisation that it's apparantly pointless for me to try

Nothing like Christmas to make you realise how lonely a holiday it can be.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don't need to bother, I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother, I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten with its memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother, I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds

You don't need to bother, I don't need to be
I'll keep on slipping farther
But once I hold on
I'll never live down my deceit

What the bloody he'll Is the point in having an auction if there's an autobuy option that defeats the purpose of a fucking auction! The point of an auction is for the seller to get bids from people who might not be able to pay the usual amount asked and give them chance to get something good! It's not there for someone to bid till then ending day only to have someone snatch it with an autobuy! Not an outbid just straight out hurr durr I have more money this is mine now. If your going to have an autobuy just sell it as a fucking commission and stop wasting everyone's time!

Disclaimer: First and Foremost, this is NOT a cry for attention if your really not interested in the content of my tumblr blog (which ill explain in a moment) then by all means ignore it and move on with your life.

So, my tumblr blog is named Depression Directors Cut, a blog about how i see my Depression, where i can type down my thoughts either about the topic or how its making me feel and how i perceive the world as a sufferer of depression. I'm putting the link up here not with hope that people will read it and feel sorry for me because thats not the point of the blog, although you may see depressed fueled "emo" quotes or pictures, this is me venting.

The point of the blog, at least the hope is that its a small insight to the world of a sufferer that others who do not suffer from it can read to maybe understand what its like better, whether this understanding be for personal curiosity to wising to understand someone you know who has depression themselves, or maybe you suffer from depression and would like to see if someone else out there feels the same.

The blog is specific to my life, how people make me feel, how things that happen make me feel, they are my thoughts and nothing more, not opinions on what i think is right, just my perception and nothing more.
As said above if you have no interest in the subject matter then don't read it, its there for me to get things out of my head.
If you have read this far then thank you i shall place the link below.
http://aazalot.tumblr.com/

God i wish i could do vent art! instead ill share this bottle of wine with myself so there!

Times for space battles!
http://www.twitch.tv/vonbox

Due to my oversight i forgot to update Mech warrior online and it will take pretty much all night to do it. Whoops. So instead i will be streaming Either Warthunder or Star Conflict, as the latter has had a recent "Dreadnaught" update.

http://www.twitch.tv/vonbox

Will be streaming tonight at 8pm gmt playing mechwarrior after all who doesn't like giant robots
http://www.twitch.tv/vonbox

Hey Guys, if you would be so kind as to go to the following link watch my vids and subscribe, im really wanting to give this Youtube Gaming channel a shot. And opinions or critique is welcome

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCt.....vRyf-QkMKPdViw

Im starting my own Youtube gaming channel based on my gamer tag Aazalot. I figured that Aazalot sounds alittle like lancalot and other such knightly names, and so the channel is Aazalot Gaming Knight.

What i could do with though is a Coat of Arms something that can be my logo, much like how other youtubers have their own, Tobuscus with his name, Totalbiscuit has his cartoon head with the top hat so on.

So i would like a coat of Arms, This would be seen predominantly at the end of my Videos where (hopefully) people will click it to subscribe

The other need would maybe be a little Character knight of me but im undecided on that, If you or anyone you know can help me, please get in touch.