It has been a while since I posted anything. It has been quite hard on me in some aspects of social life. While I have been doing my best to keep in touch with many, not everyone seems to do the same or at least give me a chance to either talk about things, get together or even make amends. I guess I will try to explain what's happening in the best way as possible.
First, I know that ever since I've gotten backstabbed by a group of friends, whom once were my entryway to the furry fandom, as well as the Twitch streaming community, it's been quite hard to get a feel of people's real intentions and I often start to be extra cautious. While this happened in April of 2021, I've felt a looming shadow much earlier, when the main person of that community simply stopped communicating with me. In spite of the support I've given them for quite some time, their betrayal definitely left a huge scar on me. They once gave me hope, only for them to steal it back and dumped me into deep despair.
Moving forward, after MFF 2022, I was once again wounded by some whom I have had a good friendship. I've even felt some kind support after the prior nasty events. Yet, upon meeting them IRL, after so much looking forward to meet them, these people simply stopped talking to me completely. While I know I've made a mistake in my own communication, I know I went to make amends for it. However, even until now, I still feel that their silence is too intimidating. For all their talk about "loving me to bits" and such, the way how they started to treat me like this really shows much hypocrisy. I never even know what actually led them to start treating me like this. As much as I wish I could talk to them, their silence continues... and I've given up in trying. Many times, I can still see them, whether they're playing games on stream with a different friend, or chatting away with other friends I still have. I still wish I could make amends. I wish, I could make things right. But, I've lost count of the times I've cried at night in simply accepting the futility of it all.
As much negative stuff happened to me (and how these chains still weight me down), probably I'm thankful of those that are still talking to me. There were some people whom I managed to meet even at MFF that has actually sprouted into some form of hope of better and stable friendships. I'm already looking forward to Vancoufur 2024, since there's people I've also been hoping SO much to meet up. Yet, the pangs of these past experiences still linger. I don't want to lose any more friends. Yet, it has been much harder to even address my fears to them. I know that they may even be listening to a broken record. Yet, broken is what I feel I am. Takes a while to heal. Sometimes one may not heal properly.
Stream wise, I've not been able to get back into a more active form. My full time job as a vet tech/nurse has been taking away a lot of my free time. While it has it's own share of shenanigans, its been keeping my financial security a bit more stable. I still miss being able to stream and play games with others. But, time zones included, most people appear to be more active late at night for me. That actually throws a wrench into my hopes to do more social gaming. All I can do is offer myself to stream every Sunday. this also puts a limit on the games I can play, since I know not many are interested in how I create content. While I know art is also another of my skills I have and wish to further improve on digital art, having my full time job also snuffs out that hope. By the time I get home from work, my creative juices are often spent or I have to engage in other chores that are necessary for me to follow up. As such, I have chosen to just stream just for the fun of it. At the very least, stream games that I've enjoyed and are like these hidden gems. I'm hoping I can make changes to my living situation, employer and accommodate myself better to dedicate myself to do art and game streams in the future.
I appreciate anyone who comes to take their time to read through this. Its not easy to find someone to properly talk or chat about these issues.
I will continue to move forward, try my best to recognize my mistakes, make amends, improve myself as I go... and I will keep being true and genuine to myself. As much of a "monster" or "abomination" I know I am (as part of my reflection or my worst traits), I have accepted it as part of myself. All I'm still doing, is walking with it, while being at peace with it. Once again... thank you

It really has been a couple of months since I have posted here. Between work and real life issues, its been keeping me down from doing art. Among those real life issues, its been disheartening the many friendship problems, both personal and those on the other sides. On a personal side, I have tried to maintain many of my own friendships that I have come across these past couple of years. This is still my main concern, especially after certain popufur streamers and artists broke my heart and burned the bridges (the backstabbers). I know I have a bad tendency of worrying and getting anxious. I also been told that I don't properly express myself. As such, some messages tend to be misinterpreted. Among those cases, I have felt, after MFF, that some of my long time friends just... well... decided to just give me the cold shoulder. Even after trying to send them well wishes during the holidays, I can only interpret their silence as a passive - aggressive way of kicking me out of their lives. Sadly, this trend and observation is one that I have experienced repeatedly. At the very least, unlike the backstabbers, they haven't blocked or banned me from their social media. However, still feeling the painful pangs of those that betrayed my friendship, I felt that the best thing I can do, is just remove myself from their places, and try to ignore them in chats (not like they actually come to my own place or that they say anything to me during another friend's chat). All I can hope, is that, one day, they can recognize just how much it hurts to just ignore someone who was there for you. Even more so, when back in the past I heard how much the "love me to bits" and then treat me as if I don't exist.
In the same way, broken friendships from other friends also have affected me. Between the nasty revelations of some, and arguments of others, seeing how many people whom I used to hang out together, now they can't even see bear to see each other. I can't say I understand the sentiment. For me, the backstabbers aren't deserving of my forgiveness. After so much I have supported them, and even tried to address my behavioral problems, the fact that they have branded me negatively among themselves will not be erased unless they themselves are willing to work hard to undo the damage. Yet, I know they're unwilling. The last message I got from their "spokesperson" revealed me as much. Still, it hurts, knowing that those wonderful times, with all of us together, are never coming back. Worse, most people will reject ever remembering such times. Just like I can;t speak of my backstabber's identities, I have to bite my tongue, every time I hang out with one friend, without mentioning the other(s).
Another problem that has been with me, has been the case of trying to find help for other friends who are dealing with very serious life problems. They're serious enough that their lives may even be at stake, but neither government or some authentic and reliable organization seems to exist to help. This is both here in the US and also overseas, even Europe. I'm hopeful to find some way to help. Yet, I feel powerless to even do as much as being there for such friends. Just trying to be that enduring voice of hope, from a long distance.
I know there isn't much I can do. Only hope that things can find a way to be resolved. But, the inability to do anything or to find reliable help... It won't give me the closure I need. I know I will continue to cry at night. My failures as a friend. My failures at not being aware. My failure for not being able to fix things. The painful scar of how negatively I was branded. They will remain with me, forever. Yet... I walk on. I know I will keep getting up. I will keep rising up. Even when there is no reason to do so.

Hey there
I apologize for not being as active this year. After being able to maintain a job for more than a year, it has had ups and downs. Still, I'm stable enough to continue with most of my normal living situations and healthcare (including mental health). Still, the busy schedule and my urges to play video games have kept me away from the drawing tablet, and with it, many projects I had in mind, heavily delayed. Its kinda why I have never compromised myself to do commissioned artwork, as much as some wish I would, as I tend to be more side tracked on these issues and not be able to complete them within a reasonable time frame. I want to extend a big thank you, to all the people who have supported me, through all this time, mainly as emotional support, as I have had to deal with the ghosts of my pasts.

The year 2022 was definitely a year to consider, since it has been a full year since many of the COVID regulations, worldwide, have lessened and allowed for better socialization IRL. While I applaud the people who have done everything they could to keep the spread of the disease at bay, and even taking time to recover should they have been affected, I'm also very much disappointed on those who preach their knowledge of the diseases and being healthy, while not really practicing healthy habits in public places, including keeping their masks on when sick.

But, probably what made last year a bit harder to deal with is... well... what I consider 2022 the "Year of Unfriending". Sadly, I have seen many people I have known, cared and loved, suddenly being called out, on public media, on behavior that have been very much abhorrent. While I applaud the courage of the people who brought these events to light, I'm also left hurt and empathetic on the side of the people on the other end. I, myself, have been branded an abomination, by people I cared and loved for many years. Yet, the only difference, is that my own case isn't as bad as the other people who were called out. Mine, is pretty much a behavior that stems to be asking more for attention. Yet, the "friends" I used to know have twisted it to consider it as gaslighting. I know that I have issues with my own behavior. As such, after a very severe case of depressive (because of them), I took their words and decided to keep working on improving my own behavior. Even if it means that they will never forgive me, mend our friendship, or even that news of my progress reaches them.

For the people that were called out, I wish they could also use my own experience as wisdom they could use, for they need to accept that they themselves have a problem with their own behavior. That it has caused others to be hurt. Some are waiting for you to tell them, specifically and directly, that you are not just sorry for what happened, but that you are going to use that criticism, and work on bettering yourselves. Still, hearing on all of these broken friendships, how some people are even unwilling to talk things out... simply puts a painful hole in my heart.

I have hoped that in light of the holidays, some of these people would even try to reach out and talk... but I was painfully proven right that I was just wasting my time, and they will never look to me on a brighter light. Sometimes, I wish I could call them out publicly. But, I know that as popufur streamers and artists, I fear the backlash, especially from the people I know and love. It's really hard, since a lot of people praise them regularly. And... here I am... someone that they have (willingly or not) shut down and intimidated to never speak of, about and against them. They will continue to haunt me in my nightmares.

On a brighter side, on 2022 I managed to be at 2 Furcons: Furnal Equinox (FE) and Midwest FurFest (MFF). I was glad to meet so many good people. Even got surprised on some people I admire. Be it streamers, artists, or in any particular job they do, I'm glad to have met them and I can only hope that we can all get along and hang out more. Most importantly, for the friendships to remain strong, even in the face of adversity. The hugs and well wishes to everyone I have met... I will cherish them.

Thank you all for you time. I don't know how this year will impact me, but I will continue doing my best to improve my behavior. These things take time, and, as any mortal, we trip, we fall, and sometimes, need help getting back up. I also hope, for the many who still consider me a friend, that we can keep talking things through, or at least, just keep each other updated. Most likely, I will continue my game streams on an irregular basis on Twitch. Due to my own ways of doing art (and to prevent any strike outs by Twitch), I will give Picarto a try, so I can continue doing art streams on a safer and more controlled atmosphere. I hope that this new year bring all better opportunities, for there to be healing of wounds and the courage to take a step in a better direction.

Not many people are privy to what happened (and I'd rather keep it that way out of fear), but the event that led me to quite a lot of relapses in my depression tends to rear its ugly head every now and then. Near the end of 2021, after almost a whole year of being under varying degree of emotional stress and anxiety, the "ring leader" of the community that trashed me out did contacted me with an apology and his intention of "moving on from this". Took me a while to decide how to respond, as I kept reading over and over their message. The fact that their ENTIRE community went ahead to block, ban, unfollow, and simply shut themselves away from me without even as much as trying to talk things through, only served for me to see this apology as lacking sincerity.

There was never a mention of them accepting my apologies on my behavior on my side. Also, not knowing how many and who were among the people who talked about my behavioral problems behind my back. While I can only speculate a few, the fact that not a single one of them came to even apologize or talk things out on their own, only made me more suspicious of their real intentions. I hoped for our friendship to be fixed, but I grew to be afraid of them, as they burned that bridge just as I was trying to correct my own behavioral issues I was warned about BY THEM. I even told their "leader" I would be taking those issues to my therapist so I could work on them... Hence, the hypocrisy of their actions and words also made me suspect that I would be back-stabbed again. The best way I could respond to their message is by addressing how upset I still was, as well how they created deep fear from me to them all. As I expressed how much I wish we all could work to lessen these fears, as well as my gratitude on opening back up.

However, their response was simply that "they have no intention of rekindling a relationship" ending with a "peace". That nonchalant ways of responding only confirmed that these people never really appreciated my kindness, support, and disregarded my friendship from the very beginning. This was also added on the fact that one person among their group, whom I was still on talking terms, decided to block me as well. This happen not so soon after I got the reply from their leader. While I was hoping to simply explain my words on my reply, this action from their side only served to me to confirm their true uncaring ways.

They were people I admired and looked up to. But, their silence, elitism, and destruction of friendships will end up harming them in the future. While a part of me tries to believe in the better part of them, the fact that they branded me as some deranged manipulator, especially after such a long time of having such a good time with them, has only lessened my hopes for any peaceful solution and resolution. All I could do now is unfollow them, and keep myself away from them as far and as fast as possible. I even fear seeing their names on any chat, and I dread should I ever come across them IRL (like a furcon or something).

Still, while I have muted them on many places, I chose not to ban them. That would only make me stoop to their level. After speaking with some of my friends (especially after dealing with the emotional trauma that still persists), I know its better to let those haters, trolls and false friends be. I pity their chosen paths, for it will only isolate them even more. I cannot say if their behavior has really changed due to their popularity increasing or something else. But I know I no longer have a say in this. At least, they have chose to keep me out of their lives, in spite of me recognizing my own mistakes and willingness to address them. I will still keep my DMs open to them, but, I know I won't respond to any, mostly since... I 'm scared of them. They can definitely use anything I say against me, let alone twist their narratives to further harm me. If they really intend to fix this bridge, I will let their actions and words, together, as well as time, speak for themselves.

I definitely miss them.. the friends that they used to be. I will continue to move forward, with the people who still believe in me and understand that I would never be willingly be doing some sort of damage or put people down with ill intention. I know I'm still saying "I'm sorry, for the trouble I've caused and I regret the words and actions that made them uncomfortable". Yet, I know its only going to deaf ears. So... I keep walking on

Sorry haven't been on FA for quite some time. Between streaming and trying to get a career job, my time has not been quite free. Also, haven't been emotionally well and stable. After getting cut off from some people I trusted and admired so much, it has been a struggle getting back up.
While I've been more stable recently, I still regret my actions. As much as I have tried to apologize, being blocked off and banned by them doesn't really help me out. Best I could was to send them a proper apology into the means I used to chat with them. So far, no answer. That silence is also what hurts. Sometimes, I can;t help being put down by images of them, putting me down for my mistakes. I can say that I have grown terrified of them now. Best I can do now, is try to get my life back together.
From the bottom of my heart, I still hope my message reaches them. At the same time, I'm losing all hope for a peaceful resolution. I know behavioral issues take time to address them. Life can also get in the way.

On another more brighter note, I have been able to get at least a small part time job. While its not the best thing I could come up, it was the best thing to get me back into a working routine. The main downside is the unpredictable days that I have to work. Can't have set days yet, so it has been affecting my streams and sleep schedule as well. With that, also my interactions with others. I can only hope that I can find a career job soon.

I may have also given a though of opening for commissions, but still would need to spend time making a proper card, with the prices, rules and contacts. Considering I'm not a dedicated artist, may need to start low, especially since I don;t know how to do certain styles.

I hope everyone is also able to find some good light in the middle of these trying times. I'm also doing my best to try to improve myself and not to let my mistakes and bad sides be the only things that define me. I know that I care a lot about others. It may be my downside, since I tend to forget some self-care. But this is the only "me" I can be.

I've been pretty much away for a while and not without good reason.
Just recently, some friends quite literally cut me off in the most sudden manner. The reason stated, by one of them, is me being emotionally manipulative by guilting them for attention. I won't deny that, after reading many of my PMs/DMs and chats, from a POV, it seems like I was being downright clingy and stating the wrong things. I wish I could say I want to blame my own depression for making it harder to properly express myself. Yet, I know I did wrong in approaching these friends in such a manner. It really wasn't my intention to be that way, let alone do any harm. I even brought this to the attention of my therapist to see if we could work on this behavior. Still I wish that instead of just cutting me off, especially after literally inviting me to have a good gaming moment. It really felt like I was sucker punched so I would feel the worst part of their breakup. Funny, this almost sounds like another form of emotional manipulation on their behalf.
Well, in the end, they ended up banning, blocking, and following me in many platforms. While I understand the outrage, I wish they could of have at least talked to me, or give me a warning or at least bring it up to my attention. After spending time with them, they should of known that even though I can be self-deprecating, I'm also willing to listen. Changes to any person don't really come quick enough. Sometimes, we even make mistakes along the way. The only thing left in me, is just pure guilt, especially since, by blocking me, I can't even properly make an apology to them.
I won't disclose names. I'm not so petty or immature to do stuff like that. But I'm also doing it out of fear. Especially since my friends are well known, popular and loved by many. I want to apologize to them, even if we can no longer be friends anymore. I simply just want to leave this stigma burning in me. I also want to get better, especially with my behavioral issues. It wasn't so long ago that I was diagnosed with ADHD. Even more, with COVID having to limit my interactions and being able to get a job, I haven't been in the best mental state. I will still tell my friends, if there is an issue with me, let me know. I want to write it down, and approach my therapist so I can work on them. If anything, all I ask is patience. I will always leave my doormat welcoming them to just talk. But they are not willing, then all I can do is keep moving forward... with that weight in my heart. Also, I forgive them (even though some friends told me they are undeserving), for this sudden breakup. Because even I wouldn't want to continue feeding on these negative feelings.

Been quite a hellish year.
I was already unemployed as I quit my toxic job when last year ended. I was only hoping to restore myself and go back to work withing the next 2 months. However, COVID came in. For a moment I though that the Dept. of Labor would be able to help me out, but after literally more than a year of giving me some money, they reached out to me saying that they made a mistake... and asked for over 10k USD money back. While I'm glad I haven't been a big spend... it still hurts my wallet knowing that I won't be able to even to have all that money in my own savings. I had not much choice. so that money is going back. As such, I had to put my plans to commission many artists and getting more furniture in my room on hold. Not even my streaming on Twitch is going to help much there. Its only when you're actually that popular, famous, and talented, as either an entertainer or an artists who can somehow make it work there. Me? I'm just another nobody in the world.
Speaking of me being a nobody... well, my friendship with some people have been really rough. With COVID limiting my interactions, and hope to meet other people, I have had some disheartening events. A streamer I admired so much became more and more popular. With it.. more and more distant. I know lots of people want to be friends with the popular one. Still, after over 2 years of supporting that streamer, all of a sudden, I felt nothing but a cold shoulder. While I tried to reach out, nothing seems like its reaching that person. I gave up, un-followed and unsubscribed... with a heavy heart. Still, until that person finally decides to reach out to me, I will only watch over that person in a distance. I don't wanna become an obsessive fan. I simply want a truthfully felt friendship and interaction worth of it. Still, a follower and subscriber less to the popular ones its nothing. The have so many they lose track of who's who.
Still, despite all this, i managed to be reached out by others who actually care and concerned on my state of mind, heart and body. Some people who are even active here. Even for the few artists I have a real friendship with, they seemed to be kinder up close. Its more than just being close for enjoying the same games, art styles, or even kinks. If you really want someone as a friend, just remember who they are. Remember when they were there for you at your lowest. I'm thankful to those who actually helped me out, with a leaning shoulder, over my depression and sadness. I still have so much stuff I have to slowly recover myself by talking to my therapist and consulting the psychiatrists. Still, its better than being left completely alone.
Looking on ahead, I want to continue my efforts in making friends. NOT for their popularity, but for being able to establish a real connection. Also, hoping I can get better in my art. I'm slowly learning how to properly use the art programs. Also my drawing seems to be improving. Still, looking for more ideas and good moods for it. Since I'm not a dedicated artist, I don't ask for money. But I ask my friends for 2 things: give me permission to use their sonas, either or both sfw and nsfw stuff; AND expect me to take time. I'm not used to work with a timeline for my art stuff. Also, it keeps evolving as I keep doing it. I wish to commission my favorite artists more... But as I'm still unemployed, all I can do is hope is win a raffle (RNG isn't my best ally still).
To those in the community, and even those who even give a darn to read my thoughts, thank you for even stopping by. Whether its here, on Twitch, Twitter, FLO, or anywhere. For all I look for first, is just being a good and reliable friend. My wishes for you all, is that this year to be better for all of us, as COVID issues slowly get resolved. Hopefully meet some of you in some convention if I can manage to do it. I will do my best to support you all, even if only I can do is just listen.
Take care everyone

It has been a couple of months since I updated this page. Still unemployed. Few places to apply, and the places I got interviewed have not even considered me at all. To add insult to injury, my previous employer has been protesting the benefits to take them away, when I have already received some through the year.

Streaming has been on and off at times. usually when my mood gets down, I had to take some days to recover emotionally, rather than physically and mentally. On one side, is just the fact that even though there is much connection between gamers, including furry ones, as time went by, I have started to feel less connected to some whom I have admired for a while. One particular (who I shall not mention), I have been supporting their channel and community for long, but the person hardly ever hanged out with me or let alone with most of the community. it hurt my heart, but I chose to sever connections to that person. I'm sure that person hasn't noticed I'm gone, while very few ppl in the community did so. Still, if I wasn't a friend to that person, let alone, if the intention of nurturing a friendship is one sided, its was never meant to be, right?

Kinda as an outcome, I also had to start un-following many ppl I have admired, including some furries, cuz there was just such a lack of intention to connect. Then again, looking at this objectively, they have SO many admirers, fans and even friends. Since I have nothing to offer them, I'm no more than a grain of sand in the beach... possibly in some dark corner away from them. Again, won't deny that parting has hurt me, but staying ignored and unrecognized is more aggravating. To put it in a way, I'm just letting them go. If my friendship isn't worth for them, then I'm better off not with them.

To change a bit of the subject into more positive ones, I could say I achieved 2 things. First, I was finally able to gather the funds, slowly buy and finally assembled my first gaming rig desktop. Its still getting a few new things, but hoping I can also get back into art. Even more, this actually improves my ability to play more games in the future. Finally, in FF14, managed to finish one Savage tier before the next path. Between Shiva and Garud/Ifrit, those really took a while to learn with the static group. Hopefully will try to look for a group for the next tier. Also, looking into the possibility of making alternate characters (well, the same as me) but for different Data Centers, so I can play with others stuck on another.

Hope every1 has been keeping safe and sound this year. WIsh you all the best

I have had my ups and down emotionally. But it seems like I have been a bit more stable since i resumed talks with my therapist... and friends. Among them many new friends as well, willing to listen to me, play games, or just as much as hanging out in voice chat or chatting on Discord or Telegram. Its really the stuff I'm always down for: real friendships. I know at times I'm too quiet, and, because of my mental state, I tend to close myself. Sometimes I need is someone to listen and help me keep those dark thoughts out of me.
Art wise, I've been back and forth. Its been hard getting into the mood considering a lot of things going on in the house that made it hard for me to properly focus. In a way, I've also decided NOT to do more fanart of other people in the community, mostly because I don't feel the appreciation in return. to be more precise, they give the initial praise, but they kinda never show, use or post my art among the fan art they received as a recognition. It really hurt me, especially from some furs whom I have supported for a long time. On the other hand, I'm thankful for those furs who, even if they don't use that form of recognition, they become more engaged with me as an individual.
I finally managed to achieve 2 things recently in terms of commissioned art: achieved another form of my sona: a bear (already had a Driggy); and now got a musclegut dad bod. Lore wise, its among the things why I have a TFing ability. Hopefully will be looking forward to other artists to help me achieve different forms and art styles, while learning and improving on my own as well. Well at least within my budget.
I'm still unemployed, still looking but nothings open nearby. Still, with my saving, am building slowly my first gaming rig. Hopefully will improve my streaming, arting and gaming quality.
With that, hope for this month to be better and hope to meet new faces

As covid and other stuff around are messing up the world, I had my own up and downs for the past times. Sometimes, I just wanna find other to hang out, know better, play together and become a better me. It's still isn't that easy. I hardly find others to play or hang out with. Even as I stream my game plays and art, seems like I'm only reminding myself of how I really amd, and how I was: the odd child who doesn't belong anywhere. Sometimes too odd that seems like I scare people away. Sometimes I'm either too invisible my existence just gets taken for granted, or some others I have to move away cuz they move in too quickly or too massively. I can only blame myself for being such a coward.
At least, there were very few people whom I was able to communicate and slowly helped me "anchor" to this reality and world. I will always be grateful to those tho actually reach out to me and lend me either an ear, shoulder or even a paw/hoof/hand. I'm used to be put down, even by my own inner critic. But, sometimes, all I need is someone to not just say good things about me, but to actually be there when things turn nasty, whether its in real life, or just in my head.
On other things, I'm still unemployed and searching for stuff. Have been planning on looking for something outside of my career, even as much as possibly opening officially to do art commissions while I keep on practicing. Still, its gonna take some extra time and resources from me, since I wanna be able to reach a certain art style (physically and digitally). But most of the stuff is mainly self taught.
Feels like any ideas of an ideal life is way too far from me, including being able to live on my own, and yet, be close by a community of people I know I can fit in with on a regular basis. I can only hope, and yet, my experiences keep me from keeping my hopes that high. Worse, i just keep expecting the worst to come.
Anyways, its pretty much what I can offer. Hope you all stay safe in the middle of all this.

While I'm very much used to an isolated life, the lack of contact has been quite heavy, especially after recovering from a similar depressive episode that costed my one of my jobs. Still, it also seems life many people, furries and normies, just been more and more distant. Even with the ability to communicate over the internet (which I use Discord most often), I'm seeing less and less voice chatters. While I do drop by many streamers to do chat, its not really the same as talking. Like in streaming, art or games, I'm not asking for a whooping 50+ active viewers to chat with. Sometimes, all I need is just 2 or 3 ppl to just keep me more interacted. Otherwise its really no different than me playing a game off line and by myself... like it has been most of my life.
This is pretty much convincing me to eventually and gradually give up on streaming, since its been hard to feel the good vibes from the community when no one is there. Kinda also a bit of a PTSD sorta problem. Been used to people telling me that they'll be there for me, they'll listen at any time, only to be criticized badly on my behavior and sometimes conditioning me to not bring my problems to others. So, its hard for me not to bottle up my feelings. Let alone, asking others to hang out or make a new friend (even feel that connection).
Not having access to my regular therapist and psychiatrist has also been a struggle. It was going so well until this pandemic struck. As someone who works in healthcare, I know the importance of the social distancing and the lockout. At times, hoping it would actually instill some change in people's manners and handling of wastes and all that jazz. Still, it can be mentally degrading, especially for those that are either very socially dependent, or those that have had issues connecting to others.
In any case, there might be a tuning down for my streams, or trying to look for an alternative to just stream games and art at my own pace, and attempt to socialize a bit better. In terms of art, been getting a bit of a block, not in the context of materials for me to do and practice, but more the mood hasn't been there to keep me going. While a side from me is wishing for better contact with others, another part wants to let you all know, here in the FA community, keep safe, stay healthy...... and hang in there (even I'm trying my best while being haunted by chronic depression and loneliness).

It has been a while since I have started my path to my career. It has been in need to take a hiatus on it, mostly since not only I require the funds to pay the licensing exams, but also need the time to study and get the necessary hands on experience. Right now, hoping to find a well paying job that will help me grow in my abilities, while being able to study and balance it with my other passions: traveling, gaming and do art. Its still among my fears that I will have to sacrifice one, for the sake of career stability. Funny thing, without being able to give time to my passions, let alone vent out, career stability does NOT equal emotional and psychological stability.
Especially now during the worldwide pandemic quarantine, I have had time to invest on my gaming and artwork. Gaming wise, have been juggling a few games to stream or just solo play. Between PC, PS4 and Switch and mobile games, its been hard to rotate them. Usually, my most depressing moment is when I realize just how lonely it gets when I'm playing on my own. Even the many Discord communities I have joined, its been hard finding a group of friends that would help me in certain game grinding.... or just as much as hoping them just keeping me some company while I play, on or off stream. Pretty much is among the reasons why I tend to stay away from high end content, since, tbh, I really DON'T have friends to play with.
In terms of art, I'm really looking forward to improve it more and more. Hoping to the point I can do comics or manga. Most of what I do is basically try observe other artwork and artists and try to include or adjust my style... until I know I can find my own style and one that I can do even without any references. Still trying not to make solid promises as my main career can pull me away from this. Even considering I have a story series I would love to develop, as an amateur artist (and a humble one), I can only make sure I don't promise to make massive commissions. Gotta start small and adjust. I am looking forward to doing more difference species and body type, eventually some NSFW kinks (particularly fat/beefy furs). Now... also need to figure out more of my graphics tablet and the many features of the softwares. Because I Know I'm not using them to the fullest potential to achieve my own style.
Anyways its pretty much an update of what I've been up to.

While I'm used to being isolated from the rest of the population, the quarantine has pretty much made it more difficult for me to vent or chat with others of even the same furry or gaming communities. Seems like everyone is having a good time among their close friends. Something that I have pretty much lacked due to my dysfunctional social skills. While i know a lot of stuff only happens in my head, it still keeps me from asking to being able to get together in some online game to play. Even as I stream my game plays or art, I rarely get some form for conversation or chat. For a while, I try not to mind it and just enjoy the experience. But, once showtime is over, can't help but to cry at night. At the point, am tired and sad to even talk.
Don't really trust my family. Especially after all the damage they've done to me emotionally. Don't have a pet I can care for or cuddle with. I know its more like a ranting and vent, but I'm just fed up of always being dependent on living under others. Still, I'm also tired of not having someone I can trust near me. Yet, I only keep hanging on. The question is, how long until I give up completely.
No. I'm not suicidal. Pretty much discussed that even with my shrinks. Funny enough, the thought gets in my head, but I never consider it a choice. Its more, I just wanna fade away. Leaving no trace I even existed, so that even those that knew me won't be saddened or disturbed my absence.
Like I said, I'll just keep hanging in there. But, I pretty much don't keep an optimistic outlook in my life as being a happy one. I just live and survive.

Whelp.... with all this COVID -19 going on, I was hoping for things not to get worse. But in the end, it got cancelled. I was really looking forward to it, my first furcon. Kinda feel very down cuz it would have been a chance for me to meet many furry artists, gamers and other types of furries that I have a chance to either chat actively (or at times just wait till there is a chance to) or just simply be a lurker (I'll just be a ghost, supporting and cheering, even though never noticed). While I know everyone is telling me there will be more or next year, this year I had a really good opportunity, while I'm not chained down to an employer. I know I will get back from this, but, honestly, I'm just really sad this had to happen.

Well, So far things are still so-so for me.
While I have managed to start looking for a job, it has been hard for me to accept certain offers that live so far from me. I don't own a car, and the public transportation towards those areas leave you quite... isolated. Also, it ain't easy for me to look for a proper affordable place to rent. While I'm not considered that old, but so much passed through my life that I haven't learned stuff that ppl younger than me are going through. Back to the main subject, have a possible place to be hired, but its gonna ride on the working interview on Tuesday. If not, got 2 other places to try that already sent me an invitation for an interview. Kinda sucks that in the animal health field, we are still not even considered on par with "human" care, hence were often asked for more work, more days, and less time for ourselves. Which is why I'm kinda keeping the search bar more refined.

On the artistic side, seems like I'm making progress in learning not just more on my digital art program, but on how to handle my graphics tablet, and even some regular art exercises. Progress has been a bit slow but to me juggling with other life issues and game streaming. Have been trying to stream my art progress, mainly on Twitch, since I'm gamer as well. Kinda also looking at other arts on the sides to improve my own style. Hopefully will move on to a whole different project, but hardly to the project I have in mind. Mostly cuz of juggling career stuff. But will make an effort to turn that part of my dream into reality. As such, only for practicing, am keeping my commission stuff open (while I don't expect ppl to take em until I start showing more).

On my furry side, slowing getting anxious to my first fur con at FE. I So far i only know 1 fur IRL, but we don't live close enough. Stuck on emotional dilemma since I would like to meet many furs I have come to watch for ages, but kinda not setting a bar too high. For me, friendship and stuff has always been an issue for me. Mostly cuz I lived my life not fitting in any of the groups and cultures I have been. Combined with a overdue diagnosis of ADHD (adding to some other emotional trauma, which I'm seeing a therapist), can't say that I'm kinda scared that I may end up more isolated because of the way I am. Especially since in many ways, I don't want to be a bother to others. However, I chose to make this new step. The first step is always the hardest one. If anything am trying to get over is my immense self-doubt and low self-worth. I still have time, and I'm still alive. Maybe its not an ideal world, but "we build it up every day, step by step".

At the very least, to turn this on a positive note, have been doing my best to support other furries, be it game or art streamers, as much as I can. Trying also to connect to other furries through the same way. At the very least seeing what they can do through other streaming services like Picarto. Or just enjoy some chat/movie time on Discord or Kast (even though I just mostly silently lurk... kinda my 2nd nature). Still, when I know my help and support has bore fruit, I still feel happy that I took part, even though a small one. Although, am also hoping just to get a slight level of support back, mostly for FE. Placed a donation bar on my streams, at least until I can secure a job. I'm a good saver, so am not in deep red, but still... no income hurts... especially when eating costs.

Anyways, sorry for a bit of a vent, but trying also to be a more active in the furry community. I will try to offer as much support and a paw whenever I get a chance. For those going to FE, hope to see you there.


(PS: if this job interview is a no go, I may try to get to BLFC... if I can find good prices)

Well then... finally managed to get myself the courage to get into my first Furry con. Kinda happened in the spur of the moment, but already got everything set for it. I REALLY can't wait for it to come and get my first furry experience in real life. Not sure what to make of it, but hoping my friends from the community come up and help me get to feel more comfortable with the community.

Looking for artists to get these forms done
Have been working on creating a more standard bio and lore from where Vrei comes from, but the stories I have created vary his origin, but mostly stem from a long history of emotional childhood abuse, both from family ad peers, and still have just enough kindness integrated onto him, to not be so vengeful... just resentful. Eventually, he looks for a way to isolate himself from all the negative influences. While he continues to be himself in most occasions, a sense of loneliness sits in at a constant rate, often pondering his own existence.
In most versions, Vrei changes into his main fursona form (Exus form), mostly as a result of magical and genetic alteration. Usually, by this time, he has discarded his old name, and tries to continue his life with a brand new outlook. The procedure that allowed him to obtain such form also ended up creating a certain instability in his genetic makeup and flow of mana (my own version on how the soul flows in an individual; related to magic). This allows him to alter his form, allowing him to pretty much change between species, body condition, and even sex. Still, he often returns to one of his 3 base forms mostly at will.
The 3 base forms include
1) Exus: most basic of all forms he takes. It is a mirror reflection to his body type he is/was as a human. A combination of large and small feline features comprise him. Most of his stat's are balanced, with higher Spirit and Dexterity as the most enhanced stats. His magic assortment tend to be more of a spell fencer, with a variety of improvised spells, among them healing, enhancing, and elemental magic. Summoned wing spell takes feathered form.
2) Therios (WIP): Thick and bulky, mostly taking large feline properties. Strength and Vitality/Stamina are enhanced. His magic becomes more limited to self enhancing, but allowing him to be a stronger tank. While able to use high attack spells, his hindered intelligence, only makes it longer for him to cast them. Summoned wings take dragonic form.
3) Noar (WIP): Cute and devious. Taking properties of small cats, including a fitting size. Mostly used for stealth, his stats are modified for higher Intelligence, and Agility/Speed. Magic abilities, surprisingly, mostly become limited to illusion and debuffing (almost akin to cait siths), while most high attack spells become mostly a single use "bomb" (they're insanely powerful, but his mana pool and stamina are already diminished, so casting them is like a last resort). Summoned wings take fairy form.
4) Other known forms (WIP and to be expanded): Wolf, Feathered Western Dragon, Grizzly Bear, Otter, Falcon, Reptilian, Deer, Fox, Hyena, Red Panda, Rat, Scaly Western Dragon, Horse.
WARNING! : While able to freely transform, the unstable flow of mana makes him enter a form of "feral trance" which is highly dangerous, as he will be unable to differentiate friend or foe or being able to restrain himself for massive destruction. Magic shackles, in the form of invisible tattoos are placed around his body. Transformations have to be limited no more than 3-5 per 48-60 hours cycle. Also, remaining in one form for more than 8-10 days can create turbulence in his mana flow, forcing him to change forms at least 2-3 times a month.

After a while in therapy, I pretty much decided to help myself to my sketchbook and start drawing some of the furries I hang out in Discord and Twitch. I really enjoyed good times with them and made me feel more at ease in the community. At least now that I'm slowly getting used to draw, its gonna take some time for me to draw full bodies. With that, also, using just basic art software just to edit little mishaps that cannot be erased or adjusted on paper.
So far am only confident in making some head shots, and possibly a bit of the torsos. While not really taking commissions, have been open to try on some furries who just liked my style and "model" for me to practice. Maybe, someday, will actually be able to be better at digital art and create stuff that comes from much deeper. Even hping to give life to a story I have been hoping to create.

Hey'lo every1.
Well,for starters, wishing you all Happy Holidays and best wishes for the future.
It has been a really hectic year for me, dealing with losing my job, getting help, and trying to put my life back from the pieces it has been shattered. However, among the good things, which helped me through my therapy, included getting a bit more involved in the furry community, at least withing the gaming field. I have met very chill furs, scalies and others, mostly though Twitch streams. It has also inspired me to try to start practicing my drawing art as a side hobby. Hoping later in life to be able to learn digital art, mostly out of the convenience of being able to adjust many mistakes without damaging the canvas or paper. As of recently, finally getting a few things back in order. Starting to see some hope after a really long struggle. Hoping for others to listen to my advice, taken from my life experience: remember to take some time for yourself; I mean your body, mind and soul, by taking some time off from your regular activities and follow up on your overall health.

Still working a few issues IRL, mostly including trying to get back to work, and take care of a few tests. In the midst of my usual gaming and streaming, I finally kicked myself into at least start trying to give my fursona a starting point. Hence, I did a rough full body sketch (albeit dressed). I admit it could have been better, but not really much of a dedicated artist, let alone, don't have the materials or time to train for digital art. Might actually start commissioning soon, as I really want to start using my fursona and other kinds of art during my streams or develop a few stories of mine.

Without saying so much, I ended up without a job. My mind is going through a lot of things so decided to take a sabbatical while I try to put things together. In a way, am hoping to interact with more people (and furs) and, if possible get to know more of the community. Among other things, clean up the clutter in my room, travel somewhere, some physical activity (other than walking), and start really work on my art (my sketchpads are getting dusty).

Been trying to get into improving my drawings, as well as to practice digital ones, but my current job has been kinda sucking the life out of me, beyond literally. Aside from trying to sneak a tiny sketchbook onto work, kinda find it hard to get in the zone when feeling completely drained. Overall, I have an 80% of an idea on how I want my main fursona to be, but until I can get my mind settled, it might take longer than expected. Not to mention my other irl projects, which is also a drag. Still expect me to be around mainly watching other furs, especially their streams, while silently being part of the background. A bad habit of being a sneaky cat and probably some other reason. So yes, I can talk, just awkward and shy.

So took my sketchbook for a spin, using a few real big cats, my own image, and a few online post on drawing. My fursona bust came good but short of a few things I REALLY need to improve. Especially the eyes. Can't seem to get the right proportions at times. Also me on all 4s was even less of impressive. I was literally about to cry. I have yet to practice a full anthro body, so nervous about doing that part. Keep telling myself "I have only just started drawing again. Can't expect something good without burning your fingers away". Literally speaking.
Yet, on the same day I found an interesting pick me up quote in Final Fantasy Brave Exvius. Feels frustrating and at the same time exhilarating about my own defeat. When I think it that way. became more exited to keep trying again. Even still, am nervous to scan and use that bust for the icon. Also gonna try getting some digital art programs on my PC. Somehow managed to salvage a VERY old drawing tablet. Gonna be tricky drawing in a tiny slab. In addition, finding good time for it as well. Sigh... At times I just wished full time jobs would actually let people have some fun during slow times.

Well, might as well introduce myself.
I''m Vreijiga "Vrei" Farisk. I have considered myself a furry for long time, but haven't learned much about the community until a few years ago. Took me a while to finally decide to join, but finally worked up the courage to join in. I haven't been able to dedicate myself to improving my art in quite some time, mostly real life issues that keep me either. However, as I have started seeing a lot of different varieties of art in this website, I'm planning on getting started on leaving some time to start drawing back again. Though, not having a reliable scanner or digital art equipment is going to delay my submissions for some time (not to mention cramped living spaces). On another note, I hope to be able of be of support and constructive criticism for those within this community.

To get started, I'm mainly a feline hybrid, but have been in other species fur (mainly mammals) as to explore different POVs. Aside from work, I spend my time playing video games, watching anime, listening deeply to their soundtracks, and looking through the different FA arts displayed. Also tend to either try to find good food to eat outside or cook (assuming the kitchen is available). Won't lie that I have a weakness for sweets (yeah, you'll find me holding my drool by the candy, bakery, ice cream stores, etc). Think that's pretty much I can say at this point. Gonna sit back and relax and hope for the best.