Happy Fallout Day to anyone who's still a fan of the Fallout franchise somehow. It peaked with New Vegas, Fallout 4 is where I lost interest, Fallout 76 still looks like shit. The TV show and its upcoming Season 2 do be looking gnarly though.

New roommates are moving in and I got caregivers that haven't become religious Qanon fanatics. For my family friend that's stuck in it all, I have all my thoughts and prayers for her recovery from the Qanon fascist conspiracy phenomenon, and that she moves on to healthier ideologies and beliefs, like liberation theology I guess? And drop all the homophobia and all sorts of fucked up bigotry.

Things are vastly stabilized now on the personal front.

The world around me though, it's like there's one war or crises one after the other. I can't take it, but then I'm reminded through the tent cities and increasing poverty of my local environment, the struggling of my friends and acquaintances, and even myself and my loved ones personally.

One day at a time. I live with the mindset I'm a background character in a dystopian story. Learning skills like carpentry and agriculture like the spaghetti squash I grew last year, not making much progress this year.

It's been rough going through how frighteningly and violently political this year's been. Anyways, here's to a cozy winter to weather through, be optimistic and all that. Lovely autumn we're having, I must say, in all its vibrant orange colours.

Week ago, violent fight with longtime family friend who destroyed her life with Qanon conspiracy theories, and I added fuel to the fire with all sorts of false allegations of abuse I made against her, which I've done work to clear her name, but otherwise attempted to work with her to try and fish her out of the MAGA mire, and I failed.

Back in therapy. Snowglobe effect of all sorts of subconscious shite I kept repressed coming up to the surface, and it's all sorts of ugly.

Got my wallet stolen by thieves, everything, can't fucking afford or buy jack shit.

I'm not doing okay at all. Interact with me at your own discretion, and ideally leave me alone, for your sake and my own too. I'm an incredibly toxic person in this state of mind.

With all the anonymous acquaintances I've alienated and abused in mind,

With how obnoxious and batshit crazy and spamming your messages I was to you all, it was necessary for you all to cease all affiliation with me. I'm stabilized now, but as I can finally breath fresh air out of a years-long mental health crisis, it's still come at the cost of the trust and love of people who were good friends to me, and who I was terrible to.

There's no point crying over it anymore, but I probably will anyways to the rest of my days. It's teached me harsh lessons of how I should be treating people, including myself. It's been a long road and a lot of work and pushing through my self-loathing, and will likely continue to for a while still. I make the choice to be a good person instead of a complete jerkass anymore like I was until two years ago.

Thank goodness that I've made new friends and even reconciled with old ones too, which I consider a miracle in itself, considering how aggressive and belligerent I was.

For all the bridges I've burned, the knowledge and acceptance they're all happier without me, does make me happy in some bittersweet way.

I stopped drinking when I humiliated myself at a comedy club at the very beginning of May, so I'm almost two months alcohol-sober now. I need to look after my health, because last year I found out I have an inflamed liver.

Friends, current or former, I'm happy you all played a part in my life. And shall continue too for the friends I have now, in ways I wish I was able to treat my former friends the better ways they deserved, instead of the abuse I inflicted on them.

Grief is less linear stages like the Kübler-Ross model, and more like a rock tumbler of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, that can arrange itself in any order and strike at any time.

It's been a painful many years working the fuck out of improving myself into at least basic stability, but here I am, back on Furaffinity after being on a hiatus for more than half-a-decade now.

My life and my mental well-being already fell apart a year before Covid, and never really was that stable to begin with, but now I feel like I can finally kind of breath in my fucked-up life, living on my own and making my own money and having some distance from my troubled folks.

So here I am now. I joined the furry fandom in the early 2010s, it's been a disaster, but then again so has every other effort I've made to be a functional person among people. But only now am I stabilized and slowly building up as much of a life worth living as I can with the resources I got.

I've irreparably burned lots of bridges years ago, but that comes with the territory of how severely unstable, outright Ax-Crazy I was. Nothing I can do about it, I've finally moved on just like everyone else has moved on from me much more easily than my attachment-craving attention whore ass was able to. Y'all simply left me, time for me to finally move on myself, because can't fucking stop or settle with anyone or anything anywhere.

So here I am, back online, interacting with people after not having had any much more real help than touching grass, filled with all the little microplastics as it all is, like all life is now. Ain't the Anthropocene just grand?

It's been so fucking painful being part of the furry fandom, but then again so has every other dang-gone hobby of mine, any community I'd try to be part of, when I've lived a life where love = punishment and confinement, and trust is so fragile both ways so as to be barely worth seeking, but I do anyways like the socially-starved jackass monkey I am like any other person, which we still would be if we were all furries. Life is brutal beyond humanity, nature isn't some Disney-ass walk in the park, it's a never ending coliseum of bloodshed, to paraphrase either Richard Dawkins or Terry Pratchett. I disagree with a lot of their opinions, who cares, they're writers with spirit and passion I wish I had. And it's true that life sucks and then you die, to paraphrase Bill Hicks now.

Yeah I said and done lots of fucked up shit and treated good people horribly. I can't take it back, just move on from y'all like you all done from me treating y'all like shit. In the long run, that's how Richard Marcinko trained his troops when he started up the Navy SEALs during the Vietnam War in the 1960s, he flat-out threatened the lives of his recruits and their loved ones to see if they gave a shit about themselves and their lives and people they loved. Yes it's fucked up that I done that too. Yes, I'm permanently alienated from a lot of good people from keeping them on their toes that way and being a scary fucking fake-drill-sergeant military-wannabe cringelord. Boo fucking hoo, there's billions of people and everyone's replaceable, or so I found out the hard way. And no, I never meant to begin with to ever act on any of the idiotic violent shit I said years back, it's me and my own little-man chihuahua syndrome and my masochistic pathology of wanting to be hated, because love is scary and fragile.

Monologuing-into-the-void session over, back to enjoying some Crown Royal and then whatever I pick up from the liquor store next. I'm here for trying to have a good time, not a long time with all the bullshit I've lived with and through.

Nice to meet y'all, new people. If you're someone I've hurt/abused, forgive me or fuck off back to warning your friends and whatever bleeding-heart pity-party's been your emotional support team with all the emotional sore-spots and boo-boos I gave you. Or whatever the fuck, I don't care.