Hey everyone! Just popping in to let you all know that I'm still alive, just been going through things lately and been keeping to myself mostly.

Thanks to all the favorites and new followers I've gained! :D

This journal is gonna have personal drama stuff so if you don't care about that stuff don't read ahead..

I'm probably making a mistake and causing more problems for myself typing out this journal but at this point I just need to get it out I guess.

So about a little over a year ago, around christmas times, I decided I would sign up to MapleMoon's patreon as I've always really liked her art and I was feeling quite down at the time and I wanted to give myself a gift. I didn't really have any friends and I don't have any contact with my family so christmas is always really tough and I just wanted something for myself. As a big fan of the warcraft universe and really enjoying the fanart people have made of their characters I ended up getting the first drawing of my WoW character Vyndra drawn. I didn't really have any big plans for her, she didn't really have much of a backstory or anything like that at the time, she was just kinda the closest possible I could get a character to be like me.
Something amazing happened after the drawing was finished, that I would never think possible when it happened. People actually showed an interest in her, and I even had someone reach out to me and being interested in getting to know me. As we talked together we ended up bonding and started caring a lot about each other, and I started getting excited to see that person every day. We could talk about almost anything. At some point they introduced me to FA, where I would start getting to know more people and gaining new friends. Things were starting to become great for me and I would be happier that I had been in a long time.
Sadly it didn't stay great for too long. I would get periods where I would get really insecure all the time. I've been struggling with my mental health for years now and one of the things that happens is I can just suddenly get an idea stuck on my brain which I'll convince myself is real. Say for example someone I know is busy with something and I don't really see them for a while, I can get the idea that the reason I haven't talked to them is because they don't actually like me and they actively avoid me. A lot of the time this idea is hard to shake and it usually ends up causing a lot of tension with that person. It's why I don't really have many friends that can be bothered to put up with me, usually the ones that stick around are the ones I can keep it hidden from.
To begin with this wasn't a huge issue, the person I was so close to would support me even when I did really horrible things. However at some point I guess they just got exhausted trying to put up with me, especially when they have their own life to deal with. At the moment I feel like I'm stuck in an insecurity loop, where I will cause tension and push them away with my insecurites which only makes me more insecure which just makes things worse and so on. I think a lot about killing myself and sometimes I threaten to do it, so that I will stop hurting and stop bothering the people that care about me. I think the people around me feels like they are responsible for keeping me alive, which in a sense is true since they make me want to keep living.
Sometimes I wish I didn't meet any of the people I care about, that I would just remain alone like I used to be. If I never got to know them then I couldn't be hurt and feel scared about losing them, and they wouldn't have to worry about me all the time either. These days I feel like all I bring is misery and sadness to everyone around me.

I don't really know what to do at this point. It feels like no matter how hard I try and how much I want things to be better, ultimately I just make things worse. I'll probably end up going to bed, and lay there thinking about death until I pass out in exhaustion. As much as I think about it and wish for it, I don't really want to die.

If I haven't scared you off by this point then thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a good 2016. Good Night, and I'll see you around later..