I wish I was more creative
I wish I had less expectations placed in me
I wish I could just relax when not online
I wish I could apply myself onto more tasks even if I don't enjoy the task
I wish my memory didn't fail me for specific things everyone but myself expects me to remember irl
I wish I could slow down without heavy anxiety, without a rushing heart, racing thoughts, uneasiness, nausea, etc
I wish I didn't have to cope with it by disassociating so often
I wish I could cry
I wish I could express my emotions
I wish my emotions didn't feel so numb constantly
I wish I wasn't expected to keep my irrational emotions hidden
I wish I could express without consequence
I wish I could leave this world
And yet I wish I could stay connected with this world
I wish that I could flee to a fantasy
I wish that reality was a fantasy
I wish that the two could coexist
I wish that the two could become one
I wish to become something unachievable
Unaccessible
Without flaw
Without fail
Without expectations
Without frequent fear and anxiety...
I wish......
I wish.........
I wish.

"I'm a shapeshifer at Poe's masquerade
Hiding both face and mind, all free for you to draw
I'm a shapeshifter; have no face to show
please don't take off my mask, my disguise"
.
.
,
Y'know, the lyrics here in "beneath the mask" have really been calling to me lately. Sure, it can be viewed as pretty generic but... it just feels like it fits in more than just a "I wear a mask everyday" kind of way (which is still true but obviously most people wear some form of mask so merp). I don't know my identity, or at least I don't know how to specify myself in a way I like. I typically just let other describe me for me and I'm...tired of it, and yet, I don't know what I'd like to call myself. gonna be real here, I'm a very bland person irl, very repressed, very quiet, despite my parents efforts while I was growing up, I didn't stick to much hobby's outside playing with my toys and drawing when bored or wanting to draw just cool stuff, typically sticking to being stuck in my own imagination, which eventually changed from toys to games and art to to fetish art as I grew up, with the fetish art primarily being my way of expressing my lustful desires in a semi open fashion since I share it here on fa and other places like bluesky. So...I guess it makes sense my sona doesn't have a sort of...base or main form, sure there's my original cat form I made but I've grown pretty disconnected with it as of late, I want a different sona to base myself off of for now, at first I made to tanuki form to try it with one of my fave species, but then I didn't really want it anymore after I saw Astenian's and their designs, and who knows if that's gonna last for long either, in the end, being a shapeshifter...fits me, I'm indecisive and choose things based on how much I enjoy it, and it's very rare for me to pick favorites in anything so...I have to simple answer to what sona I wanna be, or why I don't happy being/doing something for a purely logical and reasonable gain. (college suckssss but I'm making it through lol, work and jobs not a passion of mine in the slightest) So...why not I try to embrace the illogical and indescribable. I'll just...do me, I don't need to explain myself in this regard, I'll just...try...something? idk lol, "let my heart be my guiding key" and all that.

I forgot to mention this, but lately I've been feeling quite disconnected with my cat sona, which I guess makes sense, I've had them since I first got and played sonic forces before I really joined or interacted with the fandom when I was younger. so I've been biding my time making a new one! One that encapsulates a lot of the that I've been accepting as a part of me, one that I feel much more connected too, one that well...fits the vibe that I wanna be heheh. personality wise they'll still be well...just me lol, but I've been putting a ton of work into this one by studying some of my favorite artist's work and learning elements about them that I love! hopefully the end result will be up to my personally standards (which is unfortunately high since I prefer making my sona to be a solo thing since I won't be satisfied unless I do it all on my own) Soo...yeah! Don't know when it'll be done but hopefully I can finish it at all with how long I'm taking lmao.

Y’know, with college being…college, it’s a learning experience of figuring yourself out more and more as you adapt to new challenges, so obviously I’m bushed, tired, exhausted, haven’t felt really “excited” for anything lately unfortunately. It’s an uncommon feeling for me to feel so empty and unemotional.

But regardless, I’ve had a lot of character designs floating around in my head to draw some day when I get to! From an anthro peashooter oc, a bird character, an insect character, probably more if I find other oc’s that inspire me.

Obviously I have other characters I wanna draw as well but for now that’s all that’s on my mind. Back to being busy with college, hopefully I can finish drawing my sona’s final alternate form at some point (it’ll be their final form for now of course, can’t say I’ll never make a new alternate form some day tho like a tanooki or something lol)

Alright so I’m swamped with work lately, college, chores, Amazon, etc. it’s been hard for me to keep up but like…I have some many characters concepts and ideas flowing through my head! Although I know I also have a backlog of art that I technically should do so yeah there’s that.

Can anyone like…make a tutorial or tell me how to mod Atlyss with uncapping a player models size limits? I’m too dumb to figure it out and people are for some reason hush hush about it.

This chaos from Twitter has caused another influx in people migrating to bluesky, so for the few followers I have on this account, here’s the link to my bluesky!

https://bsky.app/profile/wanderermaxym.bsky.social

Soooo I’ve been addicted to some songs…I don’t know what else to say as an intro so I’m gonna post them. 3rd and 2nd place are interchangeable between one another but first is the song I’m completely addicted too the most.

3rd: “77 Rings”. Now I know I know, 1. It’s an fnf song so it’s not everyone’s thing, 2. It’s a song with lord X, and me and sonic exe have not got along at all…thanks to it completely terrifying me as a child and making me feel oddly stand-offish nowadays. This song this is a genuine bop, a banger, and just really really awesome to listen to and it makes me wanna get up and get moving! https://on.soundcloud.com/UqwvkKAp9QjCmJRg7

2nd: “To you”. this song just sounds so simple but…it feels so wonderful to hear, it’s just that wonderful balance of slow and melodic, and I just love it! https://on.soundcloud.com/ng1uAa2cHznwFfS59

1st: “Yababaina”. (EPILEPSY WARNING! THIS SONG IS BEST EXPERIENCED WATCHING THE VIDEO BUT IT FLASHES SO MUCH IT CAN HURT TO WATCH AND GENUINELY MAKES ME WORRY FOR PEOPLE WHO MAY HAVE IT! So I’ll link a version of the song that doesn’t have the video)

This song is so good! There’s so much going on and it makes no sense lyrics wise even when you read it’s translations that it’s legitimately a “turn your brain off and just dance” song, and I can’t believe how rent free it’s been living in my head I just can’t help but love it heheh. And while yes, I do feel like “Too you” is a better song overall and I just found this not long ago, but this song is my no. 1 addiction to listen to atm.
https://on.soundcloud.com/J3HmMUQNwJRhHghY9

(Just reposting this from Twitter)

Y’know, it’s interesting how my fetishes work, I feel like there’s some that have oddly common other fetish pairings. I love massive fat or hyper asses, but I find donuts kind of nasty, I like hyper cock and especially massive balls but knots or sheaths just ain’t it for me chief. It just feels like whenever I try to look at one of those two types of fetishes when I’m in the mood for it, almost half of the results are something that turns me off like knots/sheaths and donuts. It sucks especially when I’m horrendously down bad for a specific fetish or when I’m down bad for a character like Champa but for some reason people also wanna put his brother Beerus in the same fetish pick so it feels like…weird to me.

Well my birthday is on the horizon on the 13th. I wonder what it’ll be like? Fun? Work filled? Just like any other day? Who knows lol, but I’ll be 19 which…oddly feels surprising? Anticipated, but still surprising oddly enough.

I don’t always make art, my other hobby is playing games, and in all honesty, I could probably add something neat to this account by having an update around what games I have been interested in playing lately and or have been playing a lot lately, although I’m not the best at consistency.

I’ll start it like this:
#1. Palworld, really fun game with a perfect balance of relaxing and exciting (plus it’s pretty cool in that it’s a mashup of multiple genres I like).

#2. Kingdom hearts 1, been playing it for the first time (outside of Xbox game pass) and it’s actually pretty cool! I already know the story so that’s not an issue for me.

#3. Overwatch 2, This really picked up thanks to my college having an esports gaming lounge, I’m pretty casual in it but damn is it actually fun! (When I’m not playing against Orisa, Mauga, or Moira as someone like wrecking ball and Brig, and damn are teams comprimised with only aoe heroes annoying to fight, probably just a skill issue tho or me not liking to counter swap a lot)

#4. Xenoverse 2, I really enjoy playing this game but damn is the grind for tp medals to level up past 99 boring and tedious as hell.

As the title says, while I’m not new here now that I’ve been 18 for a few months I can now actively be here for the full experience, so hello everyone! While I won’t do much here other than look at art and occasional comments, it’ll be nice to meet y’all and someday post as well!