When we talk I feel so much better most of the time, you can always give me that smile I need to get me through the rest of my bullshit, my everyday problems that cause me sadness and poor moods..

I don't think I could express properly the ways you make me feel better, even though things are the way they are, and I feel so lost in my own head. Things between us are not what I feel they should be... I am trying so hard to not be a pressure upon you, if I only was there I would be the lifting breeze beneath your wings... I want to make you fly... the way I see you fly in my dreams...

I know this is all probably everything you said to me in letters and notes and journals and blogs and books and posts during the time when I was supposed to be seeing them but wasn't... I know it doesn't make up for the things I have done in the past, but I feel like writing here will help... Since I don't want to blow you up over our other forms of communication. I know that your life has become too full for any kind of useless bullshit, for any kind of extra pressure or shit to worry about... You don't need another thing to think about especially if you can trust in the fact of its security. I know I couldn't ask you to be mine again because I know that the physical distance would not change. and yes that would cause me stress, and worry and panic and insanity...

You are saving me from myself in that aspect... and I thank you for that... no one else in this world would think about that... but you do. I know that all of this is extremely overdue, and that I may be just blowing hot hair at something that wont float. I know that I am needed for a fixed point, that, "Last man Standing" position, the bring you back from the edge man...

(I don't know what im trying to say, im just trying to help you see into my mind)

I don't know what is irrelevant when it comes to the things I say, I feel like everything I say to you I say not because it just fills in space, but because I only speak to you about things that involve us when I am seriously emotionally wrecked by it. I take everything you say very personally because I care about what you think because I want you...

I feel guilty for hounding after you about sex, I feel so bad that it makes me not want to tell you, and then it comes out at other bitches(well, it has in the past) and now, I am filled with so much guilt that I have lost my tongue, and at the same time, you say, its ok, just say it... but I can tell if you are just blowing it off, yeah it may be allowed, but if you aren't hearing it and thinking about it, I shouldn't say it... (atleast, that is how I feel...)

I'm rambling and not making sense aren't I? I dunno... I love you so fucking much that it kills me if you even ignore the little things I say, I want you to hear everything I say and think about it as hard as I think about what you say...

I am actually really sad right now, outside I look just neutral, not happy or sad but... I really am(figuratively) dying on the inside...

Please don't take me as a problem, I am trying to be a better piece of your life... I know that you have told me to do me for me because I need to... you say go get it, you say fuck other bitches, you say don't worry about me...

All that makes me do is worry more about you, and every single second you spend not speaking to me, every moment that isn't mine to experience with you... im so scared that you will be pushed away by how hard I am trying to climb the walls I have contributed to you making, I fear that when it really comes time for my shot, youll be too far for me to bring back...

I'm so scared...

I'm so scared...

I'm so scared...

I love you more than I can express...

More than any amount of words on paper...

Or notes in a song....

Or paint on canvas...

Or beats of our hearts...
Together or separate...

I love you... and...

I know im late... I know im in a deep hole...

But I love you... and care for you and want to see you with a smile on your face...

I want that smile to be with me...

I'm sorry im still pushing... I know that is what this is... I cant help it....

I love you.... I really really do...

Having...

Having...

Having... What do I have? I don't feel like I do...

But then again, no many have had my chance, not many have given their all...
at times though...

Neither did I...

Giving...

Giving...

Giving... What do I give? I feel helpless against my own ways...

My emotional maelstrom that causes me to lose my ability to think... Driven and pounded to the point of exhaustion like a life worth writing about...

I would write about it, I would try and make words express what raw uranium reaching its limit before the atoms split is like... What is that like?

Its like watching as you know the world will end, the very essence of my being becoming vaporized in a moment of... Well, sure as shit not clarity...

You... Take... My... breath... AWAY!

But in a wonderful, birth of a universe kind of way. I didn't think I hade a use in this life I call ours when I dream... ours, god I wish...

You say someday... and I believe you... I trust that I am the one who knows when you need me and when you don't... You don't and wont EVER. NEED. ME... but you will...

I will never use this to make you bend in ways you don't want, I will never remind you of this because I don't need to... I didn't think it was a possibility at all anyway....

My eyes are open... My mind is focused and I know that REALITY is truth and you are my fixed point, I have many lines to follow and things to make and walls to break before I can make my escape the the heaven that is your eyes... Your smile... Your voice, like the orchestra of my fantasies, nothing but you and I... not floating in space like some horror show snuff film with a happy ending...

Like red snow, with no survivors as long as we are dismembered next to eachother... No its not a fairytale... But its a story worth being a part of...

I look at you... I see happiness, I see sadness...
I look at you... I see your mother and all of the things that have made her who she is...

I look at you... and I see more than the sum of your parts...

You are beautiful, you are unknowingly the electrical charge that makes my heart being to the tempo of our favorite songs, every time they play, and every time our hands meet, our lips touch, and every time we have to do what we have to do to stay alive long enough to get back to our time-space warp where we are one...

You bring me to my knees... I move heaven and earth without blinking and burn the fabric of existence to make the path to you unblocked... You are my greatest strength and my deadliest need... I breathe you, I taste you, it does not stop, it will not stop...

That's ok right? That I love you? That I will always be in love with everything about you, I LOVE YOU...

Your words soothe my every fear, hands soothe my every pain, your kiss drys all my tears and makes me know that I am worth all the effort, I am not perfect...

But you make me feel that way...

I know that I need you... Not in the way the word makes it seem... I need you like an engine needs oil... without you I will run until I explode and kill everything close to me...

But when I have you... (When I get you back)
I will get you back, because we belong together, WE. YOU. Me. US. Yeah I said it, and im not afraid to say it again, to scream it from the rooftops and make it "FB official"

But I don't care about that shit... All I really want, is for you to feel like YOU made the right choice with me, YOU chose me... I cannot choose to make you mine, MAKE... I hate that word... but you and I make eachother better...

WE. ARE. UNSTOPPABLE. You. are balance, control, FACT.
WE. ARE. UNSTOPPABLE. I. am power, Follow through, EMOTION.

WE cannot be more than what we are when we combine our talents, each of us is strong enough to survive this world on our own...

But together... We can rule this world and everything we come into contact with...

I will NEVER give up on you... I will NEVER give up on us...

BECAUSE... you have never given up on me...

I love you... See this, see my heart spilled into almost unintelligible word vomit on a page and know... That you are my one and only, you are my everything... you are my hopes... my dreams.... my love... my passion... my endurance... my strength... my balance... my tears... my smiles.... my heart.... my fantasies... my cure... my drug... my reason... my liberation of self... my fixed point... my goal... my kizl...

My life...
My wife? maybe? maybe for real this time.... maybe when I can show you that it is ok to trust me again...

I want to bark at you when I call your name... get my meaning? ARF? ARF ARF ARF... and you can say like a retard, HAI RJF!!! and spit all over the windshield and laugh with me when I bark at you more...

Love... Love... LOVE... LOVE... The single most powerful force in the universe(s) You and I... US.

You have me face to face right now... im not even near you... but I see you, your eyes as they search mine for a reason to keep giving me chances... And I am looking back, and without saying anything, expressing why we belong together with a smile and a kiss...

I love you... You.

143xInfinitum A.R.L. (Alpha, my love, my reason to become Dominant, to become strong enough to be bigger than you and let you feel controlled with comfort and security)

Forever...
Always...
Your...
Loving...
Male...
Alpha if you will let me...

Come back soon...

I will be ready...

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

I will miss you, and all the things you do... I don't know how I was supposed to know what change is unless I don't make the same mistakes again...

I will miss you.. And I didn't make them, the things that led to our destruction, the thoughts and acts that led to question, ! FIrst instinct?

I will miss you... and the way im always wrong, I hope you find what you are looking for as you grow... You have improved my life in ways I cannot express...

I. Will. Miss. You. late at night alone... laying on my back searching the black for your face now... Now you just listen to gossip, or whatever is pulling your strings next...

I will miss you... and the way that we connect, but will never connect again, because you have to answer your phone to do that...

I will miss you... and the sound of you moaning through a wall for him...


Oh my God.
Oh my God.
If only he knew,
If only he knew,
If only he knew about the world without the bullshit and the lies,
We could've saved him.
They could've saved me.
But instead I'm here drowning in my own fucking mind,
And I'll be damned if you're the death of me.

Blood and ink stain the walls.
Silently with bloodied knuckles, I carry on
Hoping it's not too wrong.
You said the nights were far too long.
'Honey, it's just the start of it.'

*eyes open* "Fuck..." the fouton isn't as comfortable as I thought it would be... but...I wonder if she got the dots... coffee... walking down these stairs is shit, not to mention the 5 billion degree difference in temp...

*waves mouse to wake computer* fuckin A... no creamer.... password... password... "Maybe we will go camping..."

O.O! XD

"Or maybe we wont..." "Tuesday..."

!!!..... O.o?

Having too much time to be away from you is the hardest thing i have ever been through, knowing what could be but isnt...

I cant get you out of my head, not that I want you gone, I just feel tormented by the distance and the friction...

where is my kinkizzle? where is my love, my alpha, my everything...

I am so fucking scared... I have nothing for her, I can offer her nothing to make her come back to me...

and that is what I fear most.... being unable to make the difference...

Unable to allow her to see me changed and improved, still loving and caring, gentle and patient...

Guess the moral of the story is... work...

/sigh


I'll be here...

I cannot bring myself to believe that this is the way it will end... Nor can I give up... I am balancing my own personal limbo on the tip of a 50. cal round that is my life...

It'll be ok.... Right?

It'll all work out.... Right?

It'll get better from here... Right?

Quit asking, the more you ask the more it hurts.... The more you care, the more it hurts... The more you want, The more it hurts... Is it really that hard? Is it really that bad? C'mon rob, quit being a pussy... Quit giving in to the pain... Go numb... Go hard for what goes hard for you....


But... But...

It is so worth the pain... It is so worth the effort... It is worth every moment of agony as you watch it slip farther... and farther... and farther away... It'll be ok?

Sure, thats what they say... But where do they say that this test, this trial will be next to lethal... Next to, heh... Yeah, lethal like never knowing where the bullet came from... that or knowing exactly where it came from and who sent it your way...

Its not like that...

Yes it is...

No, its fucking not....

Proof is in the pudding pussy...

.... No... I wont let it break me... I was chosen for a reason... For a purpose... Because I am what I am...

Never will I be the one to give without a fight, go hard or go home... Right?

"Sure..." Dont be so condescending... When it was you on the block you got another chance... and another... and another.... and another.... and another.... and another... until the chances were spent... until the host was ruined and bitter... And now you wonder why I am sad... Why I let it eat me... Because I will take on the punishment you have brought upon us, I will bear the consequences of the actions WE took...

No I am not innocent... But nor am I so fucking arrogant to think that what was done can be fixed with dick... Not this time jak... not this time...

"Forget that moment where I trusted you fully, as good as I am, you have made us a pariah... and now we live in question to those we wish to be around, under suspicion, under the microscope... Under the porch..."

And that is where we belong... Under the porch... barking at everything allowed inside but us...

"Take a nice big bite, its our shit sandwich, and im feeling like sharing..."


"Lets pretend that you're far away... lets say you write to me..." I cant even finish it... the words ring in my head like gunshots inside a glass bubble... I can just hope that the ricochet hits a main nerve...

Alpha... I need you... Please...

The pieces and words that keep you strong in the face of adversity, the highest form of defense mechanisms the mind puts up as walls... It keeps you together, keeps you alive... Having feelings is dangerous, emotion can be as deadly as the poison in your wine, the bullets in the gun, or the knife to your throat, even as the words of positive intent clutch the blade crying out to your walls so thick... They echo hard and reverberate the answer of no, because the pain is still so very real in your recent memory, the thoughts of loss and betrayal ring loud in your ears feeding breath into the cynical thought and caustic talk...