Kind in need of cash so, selling these characters I do not use!

$50 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58264141/

$50 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57458249/

$60 https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58269674/

Still available for right now!

Khaz: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57474697/ $60

Sebastian: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57458249/ $60

These two OC's are still available to adopt! Send me a note if you are interested~

Khaz: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57474697/ $70

Sebastian: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57458249/ $70

Faelin: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57515923/ $40

Khaz: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57474697/ $70

Sebastian: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/57458249/ $70

Note if interested~

I'm so tired, tired of feeling scared, worried, anxious. I'm tired of feeling my traumas, worried of being alone and feeling like I do more harm than good.

Even when I'm told how loved I am or how people won't leave me, my anxiety and worry never goes away. Sometimes I wished that I could just turn off my emotions and forget, or just disappear.

I push to help people as best I can and I listen, but I never afford myself the same courtesy, I'm a broken man.

Just gotta pretend like everything is okay.

Why do I feel this way? All the time, it never ends, just, this constant nagging pain, the thoughts that won't quit, the voices that won't shut up. They all tell me how awful and worthless I am, that I do more harm than good. I'm petrified to meet my closest friends, I'm afraid that I'll scare them off, or lose them. I'm so scared, I'm afraid of losing my friends, returning to when I was 12-23, complete isolation, no one to hear me, no one to comfort me.

I watch as my life falls apart around me, my father is dead, he cheated on my mother with other guys leading up to his death, one of my best friends lied to me to try and ruin one of my other friendships, or was it a lie? Idk, that whole situation fucked me up more than I knew, and doubled my fear of losing my friends.

I'm lonely, I'm so lonely, and, I have to push myself, force myself to type this. No one wants to hear it, it ruins the vibe, it's becoming my personality. My sense of jealousy, pain, fear, loneliness, it's all melding together and making me unrecognizable, I don't know who I am any more. I just power through the day, I sleep, I wake up, I work, I nap, I play VRC then I sleepy again, and repeat. I'm just, going through the motions, trying to feel anything other than pain. It never ends.

Maybe, at the end of the day, I deserve what happens to me, even something that I did to try and help ended in disaster, I've lost a lot of friends this year and, maybe there's a reason? Maybe, I'm just not worth it.

I feel worthless, worthless as a friend, worthless as a son, worthless as a brother, why would anyone care?

I love my friends but, maybe y'all are better off without me? I don't know, all that I know is "existing" is all that I'm really good at.

I'm sorry, if disappointed and failed so many people, I deserve anything that happens to me, I'm sorry.

And, now I have to pretend that I am okay, that I'm not stressed, that I don't want to break down everything the smallest thing happens, I'm tired, I want to cry but nothing comes out, I want to grieve but, my heart is too weighted down, I want to scream, but I have no mouth.

I will continue to bury myself, bury myself into my deepest thoughts, my deepest desires, find happiness where only I can, let my loneliness take root, cause it has no where to go, let my pain stay, cause it's here, inside, spreading.

It's not that bad, it's simple, just, be strong and be your mothers rock, voice of reason and supporter, that's what I tell myself. People have it worse than me, my issues aren't as valid as people make them out to be, I am just a dumb wolf that let his whole world, slip through.

Nothing quite like having mutual feelings for someone and planning a date for months, having them postpone then see that they are in a relationship, am I doing something wrong? I feel like I'm not worth a damn. Also, sorry for the journals I am just in an awful mental space.

I am such a train wreck right now, everything is wrong, I feel broken and, not worth it for what ever reason, I feel like a burden, I want a relationship, I want to feel like I'm okay, but I'll never be okay. I've run run into a wall, I can't advance, I want to put focus on my friends, be supportive, but my mind is so cloudy. I don't feel hopeful, I feel, terrible, always, forever terrible.

I wished that I was able to conquer my ptsd and fears, fears that if I meet someone IRL, they will drift away, like I don't click with anyone, I'm gun shy when it comes to spending time with my friends irl. When it comes to now and my problems? They may never iron out, and I'll never be "okay" I'm too much for people and I'm stressful, I have no real escape, I just, want to feel okay, and genuinely happy, I'm just not allowed, I'm such a joke. I've lost 5 friends, two were best friends, all because of who I am, I can't help but feel, like I made myself this way and I deserve it, I just, feel so alone, even if I'm told that someone is there for me, I still feel alone.

I put maybe too much effort and stock into friendships? Like, I confide in my friends, love them to death, so when they slight me, reduce me from best friend status to "friend status" without a word, and when they show more value to others that give them more attention.

It hurts like shit, and you'd think I'd get used to it since being slighted and forgotten was, kind of the way I was treated by friends my whole life, but nope, shit hurts, and no matter how much I voice it, I'm talking to a brick wall.

All that we have been through means nothing, he and they give more time to others, spend more time with, they don't reach out unless they "kind of" think about me. When I tried reaching out and they barely reciprocated. So, I take zero responsibility for us drifting apart like we have.

Me knowing them inadvertently lead to me traveling more and getting out of my comfort zone, but at this point, that's all that seems to matter to our "friendship".

Doubtful they know, doubtful they care much, they have better friends that matter more to them, I'm going to try and forget, try and not care, focus on the friends that stay with me and actually care about me.

So, it's been a while since I have done this, a lot of things hurt lately and broken me, piece by piece, as melodramatic as that may sound. The prospect of my father surviving this cancer is now pretty much zero, so I have to watch as he dies slowly, due to him not working I am the primary bread winner of my house if you don't count disability. We have to sell this house that we built and move in two months.

I've also let friends down, one that I visited felt like I wasn't enjoying my time or paying attention, another one just, decided that we aren't best friends anymore, a different friend, a local that used to be my best friend kicked me out of his DnD campaign cause, in his words "I had wasted his time".

What is truly wrong with me? Am I even worth a damn? Those, troubling thoughts came back and they scared me... I wanted to give up, just let everything fall apart around me... I push to support others but I don't let others support me, after all, I don't exactly have a support system at home.

But, it's just whatever, as broken as I am, I cannot be fixed, not now...

I feel like I'm such a garbage person.

A couple of my friends say talking about it is unhealthy and that I'm sooner or later gonna forget it, some say hiding it also isn't healthy and a turn off, so what should I do? Let it consume me till I forget or let it out at the risk of hurting or making my friends feel uncomfortable?

I can't really do anything...

Nothing I do really matters, my burning desire for security, my over all depression, none of it really. "Don't hide it, it's not healthy" "Hide it, it'll go away" Sure, which is it?

It doesn't really matter, I can't even do something as simple as sitting on a voice chat and, confide, cry, feel like I've been heard, but no, I am alone, truly alone. No where to go.

I'm melodramatic, my pain isn't valid, none of it is. "Sigh" Sorry, right now I feel incredibly hopeless, and I am fighting this battle PURELY alone.

>>CW<< [A small rant about recent events]

Just a couple of days ago, I learned that my mother never informed my brother about Dad's condition change to terminal, he learned, from his girlfriend who saw my Tweet. He was livid and hurt by this. Back in 2015 my mother almost died, and I saved her, ever since then she has treated me like the favorite and I hate it. She pushed for my brother to move out, and now that he is successful and doing his best, Mom and Dad seem unimpressed and critical. My mother never likes talking to him, making excuses not to, deciding not to listen when he does, makes him feel bad when he doesn't have time to help us. My relationship with him has become strained because of that. In my mom's eyes I am the "Favorite". I hate it so damn much man and what sucks? When I was growing up I got NO help from my folks, I was kicked out of school in the 5th grade and barred from ever attending school again for my whole life for something I could not stop. My school took the side of my bullies, the sexual assault, the beatings and pain meant jack shit to my school system, I was a throw away with no way of getting justice. I was 11, kicked out when I turned 12, happy birthday. I had to learn on my own, get my GED on my own, study on my own, get a job on my own, my folks barely helped. My brother was their focus, they forced him to get his degree, they forced him to get a job, they forced him to get his license and a car. He never wanted to and he benefitted from it and now thrives, he's responsible, strong, hard working, a completely different person. But now? Our folks treat him like he isn't trying hard enough, like he's lazy and selfish. God I hate it. Now that I'm almost 30, working for not enough money, no license, no car, living with my folks still. Trying my hardest to become independent and like a real fucking person. But I'm still treated like I ain't trying hard enough, I'm procrastinating. I have no support at home, no where to go, I feel constant never ending dread and nothing legit works. Things that I enjoy doing become difficult and painful. No one actually understands how difficult it is to recover from years of trauma. I never have time or money for therapy. And even though I had nothing to do with it, I am in the middle, my brother sounded like he was mad at me for how our mother is treating him, like he resents me, one of my best friends doesn't like coming over much because of her. She has me do shit at home that she can do, I can discuss my plans to move out cause it becomes about her, I'm stuck, I can't be real and transparent. I'm so scared of pushing people away cause of how fucking damaged I am. Even if I told they won't, that trauma, that fear persists, HELL, I just lost a friend by being transparent. It isn't easy to break these trauma's, to stop thanking people for being there for cause it feels rare that I can rely and confide in people. I want to cry, be vulnerable with someone, but I can't, it's so hard that I pretend to be fine. I'm tired of feeling alone and like I'm fighting my battles alone. My parents screwed up, they do not treat my brother well, they treat him like a burden and practically use him and he knows this, they use us both.

Meanwhile as I unload my thoughts into FA journals as if it matters too much. I sit here and think, too much, far too much. When my friends are in a great place, things are going well for them, I'm so proud of them, happy that they're in a good place. I then keep my mouth shut about my life, the train wreck currently happening, I keep it to myself. I don't want to bring them down, unload my life on to them, I'd rather they stay happy, after all, what could they do? Hypothetically if I talked about my issues, would anything change? No, it will not, I finally have options to move and advance, but my mom did a "You can't leave me" and my dumb ass took it and feels bad for even CONSIDERING moving and helping myself, my father is dying with quickly diminishing hope, I feel lonely and anxious, unable to truly establish my self as worth a damn.

Not a damn thing will change, I'll just suck it up, pretend to be fine, that's my only REAL option. My life issues and everything surrounding it are too much of a burden, yeah, I have trust issues and expect my best friends to eventually leave me behind, but occasionally a lightbulb flicks on and I'm like "Oh yeah, maybe it's me? Maybe I pushed them away? Maybe I deserve to be treated like this?" I do, I really do deserve this, I made this bed, now I'm going to lay in it... Just, be happy, I want my friends to be happy...

Nothing I do matters, I'm just existing and no one understands truly, you'd think I'd get used to losing close friends by now since it happens so much. I'm developing trust issues, I just can't trust that I'm worth a damn, even just enough to stay with me.

I have this weird feeling like, something is odd or not right, like I'm missing something? Small things set my depression off, interaction between people, work stress, feeling like I'm losing friends.

Some of my closest friends have moved on to greater things, and in doing so, I don't feel like I have a place in their lives like before, I'm fading, no one to truly confide in. Something is wrong with me, it's a constant pain, anxiety. I hide it from my friends now, no one can help me, no one can support me, I'll sooner or later get left behind, it's an inevitability and I should just get over it. I don't make an impression, my anxiety and social awkwardness stunts my ability to stand out and be worth people's time, I come and go. I highly doubt that ANY of my childhood friends even remember my name.

Everything I do now is for a fleeting chance to feel something other than loneliness, other than this crippling weight on my chest, but it will never go away, I'm just broken, simple as that, not worth anything.

Sorry, my mind is stuck, my life is stagnant and I am powerless, hopeless, useless.

I have to learn what is going on in my mind. My father is dying, my mom is emotional, I feel, strangely lonely and I don't exactly know why. I still cannot navigate my emotions, after 2 decades this pain and understanding it have become no easier. I want to be there for people but, I am ill equipped. I feel like my closest friends don't confide in me any more, I feel isolated, and I desperately want to know why. I want to be able to pull apart these layers and learn what is wrong, learn how to describe it, feel like less of a psychopath. I want to regain that closeness that I once felt with some of my closest friends, feel important and needed. I feel like I lost cause, a bad friend, not worth anyone's time. I deflect and say "I'm just an average lavender wolf" cause that's how I see myself. When I'm brought in conversation or even thought about to some small extent I feel happy.

Am I easy to forget? I feel like I am, I feel like my impact is minimal. I just want to know why, why am I like this? Why did my life turn to this? In the end I just keep walking on an endless road with no real destination, no place to rest.

Another silly little journal before bed. I am what I project, maybe I'm taking the advice wrong but, I talk about my depression too much. As close friends drift further apart from me, as I'm forgotten by some. As I feel like I'm, clingy or annoying, I feel like the choice to leave me behind is warranted. I all actuality I do feel alone, this pain of abandonment and self hatred... I'm, out of sight out of mind. Should I talk about what ails me or just hide it in the hopes that pain goes away? Terrified of being alone, terrified of the future, terrified of the choices I've made.

I just, dislike myself so much and wonder "are people just being nice to me?" I feel worthless, easily forgotten. I feel small and defeated. Beaten and bruised. I just want to hide, hide in a corner and not think, not move, or just sleep.

Whenever I visit someone, or hang out with someone I always if it was fun, cause I can't trust that I am enjoyable to be around, and I don't know if the "Yes" I get in response is genuine. My brother has his girlfriend that he lives with and friends across the street from to lean on. Right now, I don't know if I can do that, I've done it so much that it feels like a broken record. "You can tell me anything" Can I? Will I not push you away with my poor me talks? Do I deserve to have an ear to listen?

Truly, what the hell is wrong with me?

Weird mental health situation. This isn't a call for help haha, just, an observation. As my depression gets worse, as things get worse, I'm hanging in as best as I can. No matter what I am told, I feel so lonely, then I feel awful for feeling lonely. I'm socially awkward so I tend feel uncomfortable in larger groups. My friends aren't my therapists, so many of them are going through shit, hell, I was gonna message a close friend of mine that I was down all day but, he's been having a great week and I didn't want to burden him. At the end of the day, if my dad does pass away, where would I go? I think that I'd be to busy maintaining my house and keeping my mother sane to worry about me. I need to learn to drive, I've been trying but, no one truly realizes what I've had to do on my own. My GED, anything that I know about IT, my job, all myself, but now I'm in a place where I can't do it alone. My dad cannot teach me how to drive cause of how sick he is. I was told that I wasn't trying hard enough, I guess having my fear of "Not trying hard enough" confirmed by a friend stung more than I thought that it would. I go day by day, go to work, then do what ever for the rest of my day, not feeling fulfilled or at peace. And as my friends move on with their lives I feel like I'm being left behind, stuck in a rut of my own making, terrified of the future and so, fucking scared to even wake up the next day. I'm stuck, with no way out, no matter how hard I try.

Everyone has it worse, I feel like I've made this bed, and now I have to lay in it and stop being so melodramatic. I'm attention starved, so much so that simple things like just, being messaged means so much to me. I truly feel pathetic.

I am so tired, I feel like I want to give up. Everyone has it worse, I'm just being melodramatic or selfish, no one can help me, my issues cause more stress, I cause stress. I'm not worth the time, I just want to be happy, look at myself with pride, now I feel only pity for myself.

I'm trailing, falling behind, no one understands how difficult it is to fix my life from scratch. My parents focus on my brother, anything I know or did I did myself... But now that things are getting worse I can't even learn how to drive consistently. Kicked out of my school system so I had to fill in the blanks myself, had to work hard to get my GED. But I feel like saying this only cements how much of a loser I am, that I'm not trying hard enough. Everything negative that has happened to me has been MY FAULT... And I should just stop crying about it.

Nothing I do matters, nothing I say matters, pretend to be alright, maybe it'll stick.

One of my dogs just died, my dad is getting worse and chemo is only buying him time and now I have developed worse chronic back issues that hit me again with screaming pain and I may need to go to the ER. Nothing is going right. I feel like I've lost touch with my closest friends, lost opportunities, I have to try harder than I should just to be happy, and it is never enough. I'm falling apart and can't put myself back together.