since I last blogged on here. Wow, I certainly didn't mean to be away for that way (sorry guys and gals).

I'm feeling a bit down tonight although i probably shouldn't be. I'm less than a month away from visiting my favourite little pup again, I'm in the process of fast-tracking a qualification in Travel, the darts are on TV and it's a long weekend so I'll be visiting the relatives.

Meh, guess it's just one of those weird nights.

1st September sees the start of my budget come into effect. I have mainly worked out my income and expenses going out for September and now it means I have to spend my target amout each month and I should be fine. I've invested in a railcard which gets me a 1/3 of rail fares, plus my local cinema offers a unlimited movie card where I pay a set amount each month and watch as many movies as I please. Plus being with them for a year, I get 25% off food and drink too.

Now. I've always been big, as a child and adult. I did used to go to the gym on a regular basis but that stopped when I went to see the love of my life in America for 3 weeks. Since I've been backed I've lacked any enthusiasm to go back and I have noticed that some unwanted fat is beggining to return on my stomach.

Well I've decided to start an FA journal on my progress towards living a healthier life. Im sick of being fat and want to be in as healthy shape as I can be, especially as my fiancé is skinnier than me. If I can lose a bit of belly fat and a few inches of my waist by Christmas then I will be pleased.

Finally, on the topic of Christmas, I posted a link to benthehusky's journal post about story commissions. We're looking to save up enough money so he can come over to England and experience how my family and I celebrate Christmas. Normally lots of alcohol and turkey. I am working as much as I can to help finance this but if you guys would be awesome enough to even take a look then we would appreciate it so much. We understand finances are tight for everyone. Ben is working hard to look for a job and trust me, he has been doing all he can.

Many thanks and god bless you all :)

Just spreading the word for my wonderful fiancé. Any help would be magical :)

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5002097/

Feeling better now for anyone who was worried about me earlier. Just been a long day today. Tomorrow should be better :)

For many people, today is the day that they find out their A-Level results. For many people, years of hard work will result in top grades.

I did attempt an A Level back in high school, but I ended up pulling out because I was so stressed out with other aspects of life that it almost cost me my life. I kinda feel like a failure, as ridiculous as that may sound.

I am starting an NVQ in travel and Tourism course in September so at least I am finally getting back into the education circuit but still, I just can't help thinking about the last time I was in education.

I suppose it doesn't help I had a nightmare about my suicide attempt and everyone I know today seems to be in a foul mood. My parents even went as far as calling me a lazy shit, even though I'm the one who helps out the most. I just feel lonely and alone today.....the weekend can't come soon enough.

Every now and then, I hear a song that just makes me forget all about my worries and think of happier times.

One right now is American Noise by Skillet. I am a huge Skillet fan and this song reminds me of the times on the road with my Fiance and the way we just started singing (brilliantly......ok badly) at full voice on the long journeys to and from St Augustine are memories I won't forget. :)

So I set my alarm for 9.12am (don't ask me why such an obscure number, I've always had a thing of setting weird alarm times) and 4 minutes later with everyone still in bed, my order of tena slips arrive at the front door. A quick sign of the paper and my tenas are now hidden in my bedroom with no one the wiser.

Timing is everything people!! ^^

Decided this week that I will be setting myself a monthly budget to stick too. Not because I have too, I mean I have a job and my outgoings don't exceed my monthly income, just thought now would be a good time as I am hopeful that by this time next year I will be with my wonderful boyfriend living together in an apartment.

So the plan is simple. I wrote down all my guaranteed income and outgoings and with that I am able to set a target of how much to spend or not spend over the course of a month. I also plan on putting money aside in case of an emergency. (Hopefully not needed)

Better start planning now and have money than not plan and have no money right? Wish me luck ^^

Since I last posted on here. I haven't forgotten this site (not on purpose), just been kinda sidetracked from it. I recently met the love of my life for 3 weeks in June and July and magical doesnt even begin to describe the time we had together.

I will start posting again soon. I have got a post in the works to come, when ill post it I'm not too sure. Hopefully mid next week I hope.

Not me, but my adorable fiancé is feeling under the weather. Anyone wondering why he isn't on tonight, it's because he's in bed now and won't be on until tomorrow probably.

When my puppy goes to bed at 4pm and decides to go nini at 7, I know he's feeling I'll. get well soon little pup. *huggles*

*sighs* this week for me is always one that I try and put a smile on and just brave out. It was 4 years ago this week that I attempted to end my life which thankfully didn't succeed.

I try to just try and forget about that day but every year around this time I can't help but not think about it. I just feel down most of the time and I find it difficult to motivate myself.

Of course I'm grateful to have people who can support me and lend a *virtual* shoulder to cry on, non more so than my fiancé.

It just seems that everything this week has been one stressful thing after another. I almost lost it at a work colleague because he was joking around with me and I wasn't in the mood for joking around. Then yesterday I got the blame from my brother and sister because it is apparently my responsibility to cook everything for them and that made them late seeing our nan.

I just want this week to be over so I can focus on more positive things to come in the future.

About time

I just read this tweet from someone I consider (or now considered) a friend on the topic of Gay Marriage, which for there is to be a discussion on the matter in parliament on Tuesday. I must add he is a UKIP supporter.

" Ridiculous how Gay Marriage will be approved, it's wrong against religion"

I respect people's opinions and if that is how this person feels then fine, but i ask you this.

Is it wrong to deny people the chance to marry the man or women of their dreams?

Is it wrong to deny people the chance to be happy?

Just because we don't love the opposite sex does that make us less important?

Is it wrong that I want to spend the rest of my life with a man and not a women?

Is it right that people can go through 2-3-4 marriages in their lifetime when all I want is 1?

I'm pretty sure if there is a god he would want us to live happy life's, find someone who would take care of us, love and enjoy life. If it is against religion for me to be happy, then there is something wrong.

I love my boyfriend so much it is unbelievable. Despite the fact we are separated by an ocean, our love grows stronger every single day. From his cute green eyes to his handsome smile, when were acting like big boys to acting like little babies :$ , I love him so much.

I always remember the first time we met for reals, in Orlando Airport, the joy we both had, that first hug, that first kiss, it was almost unreal. And what did I say? The first words to say in person to him....."hey there buddy" not I love you or sweetie pie, hey there buddy. I laugh and cringe thinking about it now :P I promise sweetie that I will say something better next time, I promise :)

I can never ever recall being happier than I was with him and I can't wait for when June comes around so we can be together once more, and then soon, sometime in the future, we will be under an altar saying "I do" to each other :)

I feel so lucky to have someone who will listen to my problems and know how to get me feeling better. Making sure I go to sleep at the right time and checking me every now and then so I don't get a rash :$. Calling me cute and adorable when actually it's him who's the cute one ;)

He has changed my life for the better in so many different ways. Now I go to the movies each week, instead of once every few months. I am a hooked zombie fan and even more so when it comes to Pokemon. I now have a furry side too because of him!! :)

All thanks to you Ben, you have made my life better than it ever was. I love you with all of my heart and I can't wait to have you in my arms again. :)

My laptop is in for repair after one of the hinge brackets broke. Apparently it is going to take 2 weeks to fix so for the time being, I have no laptop. I do have my iPad though so it's not all bad. It just makes setting it up for skypeing with my boyfriend a bit harder.

At least it's Friday!!!! :)

Well, the snow outside is falling once again and instead of deciding to stay warm indoors, I am going to go out and trek to my local gym.

I will be the first to admit I am not the fittest guy in the world. I mean I'm not the fattest either so I guess I'm in the middle :P

Well, I've been big for most of my life and now it's time for a change. I am determined to get fitter and eat healthier. I know it won't be an instant change overnight and it will be hard work, but I know if I can keep at it then the benefits will come.

My fiancé is trying to ear healthier so I think it's right that I should too. My only achielles heal are creme eggs and malteasar bunnies. For anyone who doesn't know what they are, google them, but im telling you I could literally eat tons of these chocolates if given the chance. The most annoying thing is they only come out until Easter which sucks but I am going to have to try and show some restraint!

My main target is simple. To slim down and be healthier by June. Why June? Well it's the month where I get to see my wonderful fiancé again. I know I can do it, so I shall stop typing now and get my ass over to that gym!!!

Well, while I was out buying some more goodnites, I saw there was a sale on pet supplies, collars being one of them. I don't know what possessed me to get one but I instantly picked one out and now this little pup has a collar. I really like it *blushies*

No negativity tonight, just watched the fireworks in London on Tv and now getting ready to snuggle up in bed.

Call me childish but for the next 5 hours, I get to remind my little cutie pie how he's living in the past and should get with the times :P

Happy new year everyone :)

For those who read my post the other day, thanks for spending the time to read it. I was feeling so angry it was hard for me to keep calm and control my emotions.

The anger is still there, but the main thing I am feeling inside at the moment is numb. I woke up around 9am but couldn't be asked to get out of bed because I could hear my dad downstairs. I eventually woke up at 11 because I heard him leave the house for a bit. Some time alone to do my chores without the distraction of him around allowed me to finish quickly and get on with what I wanted to do today.

I love my dad, but I hate it when we have disagreements about my personal life. I know he wants the best for me, but for gods sake let me live the life I want. I had a plan and you've just thrown it all up in the air.

The worst thing that is bugging me is he's acting like nothing has happened. He keeps telling me to stop being grumpy. How the hell do you expect me to feel after yesterday? I can't forget and right know, I can't forgive the way you treated me with disrespect. I was going to make cocktails for you and mum for new years but forget it. I think I'll treat myself for once. I can afford it after all!

Turning to drink is something I don't like to do but right now, it's something that is making me feel so much better. My sweetie being online on skype is helping too. I think I'm going to get padded and just try to relax, although right now it's difficult. The sooner I book my trip to see my fiance the better. Then I can start to focus. Right now, I feel like a deer in headlights, and that's where I don't want to be right now.

Firstly I must apologise now because this post will have lots of bad language in it.

My dad shouted at me this morning after the downstairs toilet flooded (again). His argument was it was my fault because I am the one who uses all of the toilet paper and "blocks up the toilet".

Well as a kid, yes guilty as charged. Now though, if i need to use more, I always use as little as possible and flush to prevent blockage. Based on my acts as a child you want to call me out and try and shift all the fucking blame on me, well go fuck yourself.

Perhaps if you didn't move into a house which needed repairing (including the plumbing as this has happened before) and taken the fucking cheap option rather than spend a little bit more money on a house that needed no renovations then maybe this problem wouldn't occur. Instead you do what you like to do best and that is find a scapegoat and not admit you are a fucking cheapskate (which he calls me all of the time because I like to have some money in my bank account.) You get my rent of me and yet you always tell me I shouldn't be so tight with money. Get the fuck over yourself.

So after calming down and helping my mum with some chores, he comes into the kitchen, acting like nothing has happened and I am his best mate again. Then, he goes on about my diapers and my life.

I went to see some mental heath people a few weeks ago who said I had no mental problems and that my AB side was fine and a stress reliever that shouldn't be taken away. Most of the stress comes from him. Well he didn't like that, so now I have until February to stop wearing Diapers or he will through them out. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! Just because I was honest, you want to take the one thing away from me that caused me to relax, well fine, but get this, If I kill myself (and there is a good chance I will, I have attempted before) then it will be on your head ass-hole.

Then he moans about my job. I only work part time and have applied for new jobs with limited success, then get this.

HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND!!!

Now, I have gone through a plan with him before. I said I would look for work and I will be going to do a part time course at a college. In the mean time, I will see my boyfriend and once that is done, then I will get into it and work and study.

BUT NO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF. WELL FUCK YOU DAD, NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS ME BETTER THAN FUCKING ME. YOU GOT THAT! I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS....I HAVE MET THE PERFECT MAN IN MY LIFE WHO HAS GIVEN ME A NEW SENSE ON LIFE AND YET, YOU WOULD RATHER SEE ME SUFFER IN MISERY BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME BETTER.

WELL, I AM GOING TO LEARN TO BE A BARTENDER, AND IN THE FUTURE, I WILL OPEN A BAR AND BE SUCCESSFUL, HOW ABOUT THAT ASS-HOLE.

I'm sorry but I really needed to vent guys. I just.......feel so betrayed right now. My mum seems to know that I am upset right now and without the support of her, my boyfriend and others, I really think this would have been the end for me.

If you think I am over reacting then that is your opinion. This is just the way I feel right now and I am sick and tired of being told what I should do with my life, IM FUCKING 21 YEARS OLD.

I'll see what happens next but this isn't over by a long shot.