Hey guys. long time no see. I guess Ill try to keep this brief, I don't think you guys would like to read a whole novel of a journal. Anyway, lately my life has become a complete shit show. All of this started about a month back but this week has really brought me to the razors edge (not literally thank god) but everything is getting to me pretty much. Let me break this down bit by bit, 6 tests in one week one of them being a final and I have no idea what is on it (because I am an idiot when it comes to math), insane amounts of homework,Ii got into none of the classes I need for next semester and I haven't slept in days. If school hell isn't bad enough, theres a lot of problems with depression within my friend group. One friend lost his life long love, another is struggling to come to terms with rape and abuse and the third i have no idea anymore... But now ill get to the real root and the purpose for this journal, one of the biggest things on my mind is how about a month ago I got completely told off by the last friend just for checking up on him and being there for him. His way of dealing with is depression is shutting everyone out and handling it by himself which makes me worry tremendously so i wanted to let him know he has people there for him. Also as a side note, I like this guy, like a lot and we just started to become closer than ever (also kinda killing me that I can't express my real feelings because i know he doesn't like me back) then he basically told me flat out to fuck off. He thinks I took it well but he doesn't now it completely crushed me. I didn't eat for a week nor did I care about my own wellbeing at all. And i had a bunch of time to think and be mad and sad an all that stuff all while trying to balance school, home, and helping my other friends. And it reeeeeeally started to get to me when every night i would get messages from my other friends saying they just want to end it. I love my friends dearly so i try to be there for them as much as I can to let them know they have someone. But its basically been degrading me to a husk with a mix of worry about grades and losing the best things that ever happened to me. So I've developed a type of pseudo depression of some sorts where i just don't feel. And finally heres my point (thanks to the guys who stuck through it) I've probably had the worst month of my life, but how does that stack up? My first friend who for anonymity sakes ill call Tina, has had clinical depression and PTSD since 13, SHE IS 19 NOW! she lived with feelings like this for 6 years and I'm struggling at one month. And look at someone like Kay. I don't know them personally but I've been keeping up to date at their situation and all i want to do is just go to wherever they are and stick by there side until the end no matter what. And after seeing Kay's situation and how they feel like they have no one, it makes me feel terribly guilty about not being there for my other friend for this path month. Ive just been a pissy bitch saying "if he wants help he can come get it, I'm done trying". Even though he broke my heart i should be there. So now i sit here on my bed, a work swamped, depressed, skinny husk of a former guy feeling bad about feeling bad. My question is should i just stop feeling and look at how good i have it compared to the people I'm trying to help? I may be going through hell, but if i am than they must be going through it twice.should i put my remaining energy i have into making their lives better. To finish this off i want to say i don't care about myself, so i just don't take care of myself. I don't know if to constitutes as self harm in this case but i don't care. My idea is if i can put the energy I use on myself to help the people who are really suffering than ill live a good life. Everyone out there going through severe times, remember you're never, ever alone. There is 7 billion people in this world, there will always be someone on this earth for you, no matter what. Either a friend or lover or even a pet. Just always hang in there

finally home. It took 2 hours on amtrak and 1 hour on LIRR but I'm finally home! The best part is that mommy surprised me with a new sleeper. So now I'm just snuggled up in my new sleeper in a fresh little pawz and ill probably fall asleep before I finish this. nini my cubby lil friendabbiyvcukwavcllsb wbekc

SPRING BREAK IS HERE FINALLY! Talk about a draining couple of weeks, soooo many tests and practicals. Also a majority of that was spent tutoring friends in anatomy, but now all of it is finally done! DONT WORRY BED, I WILL BE THERE SOON!!!

Have any of you guys ever had that day where you don't have the energy to even live? weeeeeeeell thats me right now. Woke up way to early with an ear splitting headache and had to go to anatomy. If any of you guys have taken any science class (especially Biology and anatomy) you know that you really have to focus and pay attention to understand the material. So a headache in a highly demanding class does not make for a good 8am class. Then I had calculus after that which I was basically a potato. So by 10 am I was already done with the day. So now I'm back in my dorm trying to sleep away this headache (ps its almost gone thank god) and after its gone I'm going to go enjoy the beautiful 75 degree weather!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAYYYYY

Welcome to story time kids! Todays story is the story of the college pup and his puppy pampers! Basically the story is I was up late last night doing chem hw and I was eating sunflower seeds all during the hw session (I think I went through 3 bags). Since sunflower seeds are extremely salty and I already have a problem with dehydration, I had to drink some water to make sure I don't have a horrible headache in the morning. And when I drink at night that means I need to go thick and absorbent padding for night time. Obviously the best pick was little pawz. After a pretty soggy sleep I woke up and realized my alarm clock never went off and I'm already 10 minutes late to chem... Great start to the day!!!!!!! Since I had to rush to class I wasn't able to change (long boarding in super squishy and thick padding is one hell of an experience!!!!) Chem went well but then I had math discussion and this is where things went a little weird. My discussion class is in the same building as the nursing program so there are obviously nursing classes going on around me. I could hear that one of the lectures was on patient care and hygiene. They mentioned all of the common things such as sponge bathing and you know changing someones diaper... And just my luck both classes got out at the same time. As I walked out the door you could just barely hear the telltale crinkle of my padding and as soon as it got quiet a group of 5 nursing student looked straight towards me! I played it cool and leaned on the wall to pretend i was turning music or checking texts. I also think that you could tell I was padded cause i couldn't see the back of my pants. You could tell they were whispering about me because I heard "Do you think he really is?" than everyone giggled and this cute guy and girl said he thought it was cute. Soooooo long story short Im going to be squishy and bright red for the rest of the day =P

UUUUUUUUUGH!!!!! I knew this semester was going to be hell from the start. Its not bad enough that I have 8 am classes everyday, all the classes that I am taking (with the acceptation of one) are difficult courses. And for the icing on the cake, Two of those classes which I struggle in (not so much chemistry but math kills me) the teachers are horrible... All of this no sleep and these confusing classes are really getting to me. Anyway, on a lighter note Im back on campus! Saw all of my buds again, finally got CSGO and joined a rock climbing gym! This semester in going to be rough but I hope the non academic events keep me sane enough to get through my courses >.<

2 HOURS TILL CORRIN AND BIG BAD BAYONETTA COME OUT!!!! I have a strange feeling that I'm going to like corrin a lot more than bayonetta but its just a strange premonition I am also heavily awaiting Etika to eat the nutsack sandwich live on camera. If u guys want come along and spread the hype!!!!

heres the link to the stream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16FTSjM2Qu8

FINALLY!!!! All 3 of the groundhogs predicted an early spring this year. You know what that means... WARM SUN IS COMING UP SOON!!!!!!!!!! As all of you know, warm weather is the ideal conditions for the survival of the rare crinkle pup of New York =P Also TMI Tuesday cause making a whole separate journal about is kinda pointless. STAY WARM GUYS!!!!

YAAAAYYYYYY BIRTHDAY TIIIIIIIIIIME! I'm 1.9 and still going strong. Mom is taking me out to Dave and Busters for a nice little day out than Italian food for dinner! I'm super excited! Now I'm gonna go break in my new Little Pawz, c ya later guys!!!!!!!

Hi guys. You guys probably don't really remember me cause I've been MIA for so long wit the acceptation of a few times. It's been a very stressful year (or two, I don't really remember how long). With college starting I had to get settled which is tough when u have some pretty bad social anxiety (to friends I'm usually the life of the party but alone I'm super shy). I managed to get myself settled and assemble a nice little group of friends. Then came my battle with depression. I don't know if it was homesickness or just school struggles but I became severely depressed and nothing could really shake me out of it. It also kind of sucked because I had to hide it from may family. Its a weird thing where I'm the one guy in my family that can keep everyone happy if I stay happy so I had no one to talk to or no one to help. Didn't help either that I was struggling with accepting my sexuality and the dating scene. Of course people are supportive but I just didn't really accept myself. Then there was calculus (don't even get me started) and my best friends' various suicide attempts (I'm basically the only reason she's still alive today thank god). Also I started falling in live with my best friend and the notorious "you're like a brother to me" came out and I kinda aid fuck it from there. Oh did I forget to mention I almost got hit by a car on my longboard? Long story short I had my hip and forearm torn open and you can still see my blood stains on the hill at north campus to this day. So I was pretty much in a very bad place full of confusion, pain and lack of confidence. Now enough of me feeling sorry for myself. Ive finally made it out of that rut, I finished out the semester with a bang, healed up nicely and now I finally have the energy and motivation to get back to the things I love to do. Also want to make more friends and meet more people than I did before. Soooooooo I'm going to start over and get back into the community. So Hi guys!!!! Im Ven nice to meet ya!!!