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Another awesome Art Raffle!
General | Posted 3 years ago
New Years Raffle from the amazing KiroroXion!
General | Posted 3 years agoCheck out the lovely KiroroXion's raffle! Head over to their journal here and enter! Only one day to go!
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10419427/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10419427/
10 months later
General | Posted 5 years agoI... Need to rant. I need to get this off my chest before I explode.
It's been nearly 11 months since we split... and 10 since I was completely abandoned by my ex. And I'm nowhere close to being okay... I don't even really know why I'm writing this but... I'm not okay. I've done everything I can to try and move forward. Remove as much as I can from my day to day that was from what once was... Finding new hobbies, playing more games. Even getting a new PC... And I'm still sobbing myself to sleep at night. I no longer lay in bed. I sleep in my wheelchair because with her leaving it's basically forced me to either abandon what little autonomy I have and have my dad lay me down at 10 PM every night, or just stay in my wheelchair and screw up my back but still have the ability to get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink if I need it. Not that laying in that bed we shared does me any good anyway. The loneliness is legitimately haunting me.
I have more vivid dreams of her than anything I have ever dreamed before in my life. And I don't want to. I'm tired of these dreams. I've had dreams where I'm looking at my doorway, she walks in and... I ask why she's here.. Only to blink my eyes and be awake looking at that same spot in my room unable to tell I was asleep... I've had dreams just waking up as we used to.. cuddling to her back and talking gently to her... Even full dreams of days we had before. the mundane but quiet days. Waking up, eating, taking the dogs out, watching youtube, then getting on Second Life that night and staying up into the night before going to bed... While things hadn't been that smooth in a while... those dreams feel so real and waking from them feels like losing her all over again.
She did everything she promised me years ago she said she'd never do. She not only left me as a lover but as a friend. She... Just tossed me aside like I meant nothing. Even lying saying I cheated on her which I NEVER did... A few months later, she's happy with someone else, in a new home, with a new job... And it's left me completely broken... I by no means want her to be unhappy... I'm not that kind of person. I always said if she ever felt like we wouldn't work back in the beginning when we were dating, I'd let her go. But to "say yes" and then drag my heart through so much in the entirety of our relationship, which I was more than willing to fight through any hardships.. she just... abandoned it all; gave up.
And no. I don't want ANYONE going after her or throwing any insults in her face. Even if I have every right to... I can't. Even with friends and family telling me all the horrid things she'd put me through... I can nod with them but... I can't say she's a terrible person. I can't honestly say that even if it were true... I'm not that shallow. I've blocked her nearly everywhere not out of spite but... Because I can't even hear her voice without it causing me to break down now... I can't even be around her digitally in Second Life.
I have had so many wonderful friends and family behind me... And I'm trying my hardest for them to get out of this but... I genuinely don't think I can keep up the act much longer. I'm slipping deeper into a hole I can't fight out of. Out of all the 100's of broken bones I have had in my life... I'd take every. single. one. All at once, over this... over any of this. Out of all the challenges my condition has put me through I have been able to smile or at least grin and bear it... and this... I can't. There is no silver lining. There is no hope or happiness in any of this... My self-confidence is obliterated past the point of repair. On any sort of endeavors.
I... don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford therapy which I'm pretty sure I need at this point... And I'm basically forced to live with my parents which isn't the healthiest of environments if I'm honest without going into too much detail. And yes, I'm safe physically. It's not like any sort of physical abuse... I feel trapped without the kind of help I need mentally or physically.
I have been trying to play more games, watch more anime, and... Get my mind off things. It only works when I'm doing something and not always will that hold out long. Without even thinking about it... I'll bring up a memory of when we were together or mention hr in passing. Not even thinking about it. I don't consciously do it... and I know I'm starting to annoy some friends when I do mention my ex... I don't even WANT to talk about them anymore because it hurts... yet it still happens.
This isn't me. I've never been a depressing sadsack. I hate who I am now and... I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't seem to have a single night's peace... On the rare occasion, I can go through the night without crying... It's always followed by one where I can't stop. I'm so.. so tired. I just want to stop hurting... I want to move on with my life and be happy again. To be me again... Because as it stands, that old me is dead. And I don't know that he's ever coming back. No matter how badly I want him to.
Sorry if I'm worrying anyone.. if anyone even reads this at all. I just.. feel like I'm screaming into the void until I'm spitting up blood right now.
It's been nearly 11 months since we split... and 10 since I was completely abandoned by my ex. And I'm nowhere close to being okay... I don't even really know why I'm writing this but... I'm not okay. I've done everything I can to try and move forward. Remove as much as I can from my day to day that was from what once was... Finding new hobbies, playing more games. Even getting a new PC... And I'm still sobbing myself to sleep at night. I no longer lay in bed. I sleep in my wheelchair because with her leaving it's basically forced me to either abandon what little autonomy I have and have my dad lay me down at 10 PM every night, or just stay in my wheelchair and screw up my back but still have the ability to get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink if I need it. Not that laying in that bed we shared does me any good anyway. The loneliness is legitimately haunting me.
I have more vivid dreams of her than anything I have ever dreamed before in my life. And I don't want to. I'm tired of these dreams. I've had dreams where I'm looking at my doorway, she walks in and... I ask why she's here.. Only to blink my eyes and be awake looking at that same spot in my room unable to tell I was asleep... I've had dreams just waking up as we used to.. cuddling to her back and talking gently to her... Even full dreams of days we had before. the mundane but quiet days. Waking up, eating, taking the dogs out, watching youtube, then getting on Second Life that night and staying up into the night before going to bed... While things hadn't been that smooth in a while... those dreams feel so real and waking from them feels like losing her all over again.
She did everything she promised me years ago she said she'd never do. She not only left me as a lover but as a friend. She... Just tossed me aside like I meant nothing. Even lying saying I cheated on her which I NEVER did... A few months later, she's happy with someone else, in a new home, with a new job... And it's left me completely broken... I by no means want her to be unhappy... I'm not that kind of person. I always said if she ever felt like we wouldn't work back in the beginning when we were dating, I'd let her go. But to "say yes" and then drag my heart through so much in the entirety of our relationship, which I was more than willing to fight through any hardships.. she just... abandoned it all; gave up.
And no. I don't want ANYONE going after her or throwing any insults in her face. Even if I have every right to... I can't. Even with friends and family telling me all the horrid things she'd put me through... I can nod with them but... I can't say she's a terrible person. I can't honestly say that even if it were true... I'm not that shallow. I've blocked her nearly everywhere not out of spite but... Because I can't even hear her voice without it causing me to break down now... I can't even be around her digitally in Second Life.
I have had so many wonderful friends and family behind me... And I'm trying my hardest for them to get out of this but... I genuinely don't think I can keep up the act much longer. I'm slipping deeper into a hole I can't fight out of. Out of all the 100's of broken bones I have had in my life... I'd take every. single. one. All at once, over this... over any of this. Out of all the challenges my condition has put me through I have been able to smile or at least grin and bear it... and this... I can't. There is no silver lining. There is no hope or happiness in any of this... My self-confidence is obliterated past the point of repair. On any sort of endeavors.
I... don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford therapy which I'm pretty sure I need at this point... And I'm basically forced to live with my parents which isn't the healthiest of environments if I'm honest without going into too much detail. And yes, I'm safe physically. It's not like any sort of physical abuse... I feel trapped without the kind of help I need mentally or physically.
I have been trying to play more games, watch more anime, and... Get my mind off things. It only works when I'm doing something and not always will that hold out long. Without even thinking about it... I'll bring up a memory of when we were together or mention hr in passing. Not even thinking about it. I don't consciously do it... and I know I'm starting to annoy some friends when I do mention my ex... I don't even WANT to talk about them anymore because it hurts... yet it still happens.
This isn't me. I've never been a depressing sadsack. I hate who I am now and... I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't seem to have a single night's peace... On the rare occasion, I can go through the night without crying... It's always followed by one where I can't stop. I'm so.. so tired. I just want to stop hurting... I want to move on with my life and be happy again. To be me again... Because as it stands, that old me is dead. And I don't know that he's ever coming back. No matter how badly I want him to.
Sorry if I'm worrying anyone.. if anyone even reads this at all. I just.. feel like I'm screaming into the void until I'm spitting up blood right now.
What a year... (Rant, update incoming)
General | Posted 5 years agoOkay, so this is going to be one hell of a post. Where to begin? I've been fighting for the last two or so years to get a new wheelchair, as my old one was failing and going on 8 years old. It would come to a grinding halt with no warning and sometimes wouldn't get going again. After battling with insurance and gaining help from rehab, I got my updated wheelchair back in... I think it was late July early August. However, on receiving my chair, it had developed some sort of fault that caused it to error out as if the wheel on the left side was not connected even though it was. After my wheelchair mechanic and I had to fight with the manufacturer from Germany for nearly a month, I finally have my new chair up and running. (Knock on wood.)
Though that was stressful, it was only an underlying fight I have been going through that added to the other issues going on in my life. My at the time mate and I had been trying to move out from my parents' place which had been a contention of a lot of anxiety and tension, not only between us and my parents (Or me personally with my parents) And with each other... We had gotten married on the 4th of December 2017 and had been dating since the same date in 2014. However, things have been going downhill for a while now which had been stressful on both of us and unfortunately, by May of this year, we split up. She walked out on me in June to move to Florida, taking our little doggo with her who it kills me to know I'll never see again. (He was her puppy before we got together, so it is fair in a sense she took him. But it doesn't make up for the fact he was like my own kid for the duration of our relationship and I know I'll never have another special furbaby like him ever again.)
It's been one of the most painful and dark times in my life. My best friend of over 10 years now, a third of my life has basically abandoned me like I meant nothing at all. While it hurts and a lot has happened I won't go into here... I still wish her the best and though she may no longer care for me not even as a friend which... hurts me the deepest... I can't so easily toss my feelings for her to the side. I'll always care for her.
One of the reasons I'll mention was stressful: We had been staying much longer than anticipated with my folks due to me fighting for my chair. If we moved, the process would be started over or halted. And it kept getting pushed back and already delayed a ton longer than we were told. Which also caused fights between us. We had a friend offer to move us down to Florida with him and my Ex's twin sister and we were planning on starting fresh there. It stings even worse that I got the chair I waited so long for only AFTER she walked out.
Not only has this left me emotionally and mentally a mess, I no longer have a caretaker. She was the one to transfer me in and out of my wheelchair, in and out of the tub, and even helping me with my showers. Before she came into my life my elderly grandmother and my aging father were the ones to handle me. In the time she's been here their health has gone downhill and even just weeks before she left my grandmother broke her arm bad enough she had to have plates put in it. So it's been beyond difficult even being handled or helped day-to-day.
On top of all that? This all happens right during Covid-19. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster I'm still trying to figure out where the exit is to it... I've had so many wonderful friends and family members supporting me and trying to build me up in this rough patch and I can't thank them enough. I'm going to work my way towards being more active on FA the best I can. It's been hard to not isolate myself more than I already am, basically spending every day with her in the same room for the last 4-ish years to suddenly being by myself... Which has always been an insecurity/fear of mine. Even sleep has been super hard on me. I've not exactly wanted to lay in the bed we shared on top of never having done well sleeping alone. So being tired, stressed, and depressed a lot is kinda my new normal. Which is not who I used to be... But I'm doing my best to figure things out.
For the time being, I'm back on FA and hopefully, things start making sense sometime soon. Thanks again to all of my wonderful online friends and family riding this crazy thing out with me <3
Though that was stressful, it was only an underlying fight I have been going through that added to the other issues going on in my life. My at the time mate and I had been trying to move out from my parents' place which had been a contention of a lot of anxiety and tension, not only between us and my parents (Or me personally with my parents) And with each other... We had gotten married on the 4th of December 2017 and had been dating since the same date in 2014. However, things have been going downhill for a while now which had been stressful on both of us and unfortunately, by May of this year, we split up. She walked out on me in June to move to Florida, taking our little doggo with her who it kills me to know I'll never see again. (He was her puppy before we got together, so it is fair in a sense she took him. But it doesn't make up for the fact he was like my own kid for the duration of our relationship and I know I'll never have another special furbaby like him ever again.)
It's been one of the most painful and dark times in my life. My best friend of over 10 years now, a third of my life has basically abandoned me like I meant nothing at all. While it hurts and a lot has happened I won't go into here... I still wish her the best and though she may no longer care for me not even as a friend which... hurts me the deepest... I can't so easily toss my feelings for her to the side. I'll always care for her.
One of the reasons I'll mention was stressful: We had been staying much longer than anticipated with my folks due to me fighting for my chair. If we moved, the process would be started over or halted. And it kept getting pushed back and already delayed a ton longer than we were told. Which also caused fights between us. We had a friend offer to move us down to Florida with him and my Ex's twin sister and we were planning on starting fresh there. It stings even worse that I got the chair I waited so long for only AFTER she walked out.
Not only has this left me emotionally and mentally a mess, I no longer have a caretaker. She was the one to transfer me in and out of my wheelchair, in and out of the tub, and even helping me with my showers. Before she came into my life my elderly grandmother and my aging father were the ones to handle me. In the time she's been here their health has gone downhill and even just weeks before she left my grandmother broke her arm bad enough she had to have plates put in it. So it's been beyond difficult even being handled or helped day-to-day.
On top of all that? This all happens right during Covid-19. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster I'm still trying to figure out where the exit is to it... I've had so many wonderful friends and family members supporting me and trying to build me up in this rough patch and I can't thank them enough. I'm going to work my way towards being more active on FA the best I can. It's been hard to not isolate myself more than I already am, basically spending every day with her in the same room for the last 4-ish years to suddenly being by myself... Which has always been an insecurity/fear of mine. Even sleep has been super hard on me. I've not exactly wanted to lay in the bed we shared on top of never having done well sleeping alone. So being tired, stressed, and depressed a lot is kinda my new normal. Which is not who I used to be... But I'm doing my best to figure things out.
For the time being, I'm back on FA and hopefully, things start making sense sometime soon. Thanks again to all of my wonderful online friends and family riding this crazy thing out with me <3
Redacted Happiness...
General | Posted 8 years agoHELLO! Yeah, for whomever reads these things... Sorry I have been so inactive! A LOT has happened in the last year or two...
So... where do I begin? I guess to start off, my mate
Surrie Ciasullo moved in with me back in 2015 and at the end of the year on Christmas day... I asked her to be mine!
I asked her to marry me (with a Pokeball mind you) and she said YES! I'm so undeniably happy that I will soon get to spend the rest of my life with her <3
Also in that timeframe... We moved! (Still living with my folks) But no more is the old housetrailer filled with mold and holes in the roof/floor! We began the move near Easter of last year and finally got moved into our new trailer by July of last year. After staying at my godmom's house on her diningroom floor for all that time... yeesh, what a trip.
And in November of last year I flipped my wheelchair going out the door to walk Surrie Ciasullo and I's pooch Bandit late one night, ended up with two more pins in my arm making three just in one bone! (Broke my Humerus in 2 places.) So... Finally most of the way healed up after that ordeal and now we plan on moving forward!
Saving up to get a car and for our wedding has been tough but we are really happy despite all the hardships (listed and not) and plan on getting married in December of next year =D (Its.. been put off twice due to financial stuff and the move.)
But anyways, I'll be posting more artwork of Xander and a few other floofs I have gotten over the last year or two and I hope to be more active from now on!
(Update: We are no longer together and are soon to be filing for divorce.)
So... where do I begin? I guess to start off, my mate
Surrie Ciasullo moved in with me back in 2015 and at the end of the year on Christmas day... I asked her to be mine!I asked her to marry me (with a Pokeball mind you) and she said YES! I'm so undeniably happy that I will soon get to spend the rest of my life with her <3
Also in that timeframe... We moved! (Still living with my folks) But no more is the old housetrailer filled with mold and holes in the roof/floor! We began the move near Easter of last year and finally got moved into our new trailer by July of last year. After staying at my godmom's house on her diningroom floor for all that time... yeesh, what a trip.
And in November of last year I flipped my wheelchair going out the door to walk
Surrie Ciasullo and I's pooch Bandit late one night, ended up with two more pins in my arm making three just in one bone! (Broke my Humerus in 2 places.) So... Finally most of the way healed up after that ordeal and now we plan on moving forward!Saving up to get a car and for our wedding has been tough but we are really happy despite all the hardships (listed and not) and plan on getting married in December of next year =D (Its.. been put off twice due to financial stuff and the move.)
But anyways, I'll be posting more artwork of Xander and a few other floofs I have gotten over the last year or two and I hope to be more active from now on!
(Update: We are no longer together and are soon to be filing for divorce.)
A friend of mine needs a little help!
General | Posted 10 years agoOkay so a fur friend of mine is in some dire places.. here is a link to the post explaining whats up!
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7486326/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7486326/
Awesome free art raffle!
General | Posted 12 years agohttps://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4846266/ <
go here to read the rules!
go here to read the rules!
-sighs, tail droops-
General | Posted 12 years agoWell, just got done watching Wreck it Ralph, Really cute movie. One of my new favorites from Disney.
But i sit here back on my computer after watching all of it... talking to a few friends... hearing about how great their other half is... just makes me feel even lonelier than i have been lately.. which has been pretty lonely... -sighs- idk... maybe I'm just not supposed to be with anyone like that. always the best man, never the groom sort of eh?... i don't wanna sound like I'm just whining "Oh woe is me i'm SOOO lonely! i want a girlfriend! Wahhhh!".... that's not it... I have friends.. and that comes first and foremost. But the fact is.. friends have their own lives to live. they get married, have kids, move away, ect... And i just feel kinda left behind.
For those of you who don't know.. I'm Disabled, in a wheelchair. I was born with a Brittle bone disease. and I'm about 3 feet tall. not that i mind any of that. ive dealt with tons of broken bones not to mention plenty of operations, bodycasts and hospital down times as a kid. and i came out okay more or less. i was fine. a happy kid. i have a great family *while a bit overbearing and strict* but a great loving family none the less.
But now.. just turning 21. I just feel kinda.. alone.. and empty... and while i REALLY hate to admit it... I'm a little envious of my friends who are married and have moved on or moved away to something great. and I'm not that kind of person. i don't like to envy. I just wish.. i had that kind of companion.. a really awesome, special, close friend i could be happy with. be myself around and they could do the same in front of me. some one to.. share all of this affection i have with.. instead of having to keep it all bottled up... Just kinda sucks right now... no cash, house is falling apart and nothing can be done about it.. Living on disability, being so confined to home because we don't have the cash to go anywhere (gas mostly being the reason for that) and the fact i live in the friggin' middle of nowhere Alabama... Cant get a job no matter how badly i want to work, I cant drive because i cant put together a vehicle i can drive (hand controls needed) so here i am.. stuck at my desk. and i hate it. don't get me wrong I love my computer. but what i wouldn't give to just be able to feel like i could live my own life.. get out there.. and maybe i wouldn't feel like this. lonely and depressed....
Sorry for the ranting guys... I just need to blow off some steam and i don't really know what else to do. didn't mean to sound all whiny and what-not...
But i sit here back on my computer after watching all of it... talking to a few friends... hearing about how great their other half is... just makes me feel even lonelier than i have been lately.. which has been pretty lonely... -sighs- idk... maybe I'm just not supposed to be with anyone like that. always the best man, never the groom sort of eh?... i don't wanna sound like I'm just whining "Oh woe is me i'm SOOO lonely! i want a girlfriend! Wahhhh!".... that's not it... I have friends.. and that comes first and foremost. But the fact is.. friends have their own lives to live. they get married, have kids, move away, ect... And i just feel kinda left behind.
For those of you who don't know.. I'm Disabled, in a wheelchair. I was born with a Brittle bone disease. and I'm about 3 feet tall. not that i mind any of that. ive dealt with tons of broken bones not to mention plenty of operations, bodycasts and hospital down times as a kid. and i came out okay more or less. i was fine. a happy kid. i have a great family *while a bit overbearing and strict* but a great loving family none the less.
But now.. just turning 21. I just feel kinda.. alone.. and empty... and while i REALLY hate to admit it... I'm a little envious of my friends who are married and have moved on or moved away to something great. and I'm not that kind of person. i don't like to envy. I just wish.. i had that kind of companion.. a really awesome, special, close friend i could be happy with. be myself around and they could do the same in front of me. some one to.. share all of this affection i have with.. instead of having to keep it all bottled up... Just kinda sucks right now... no cash, house is falling apart and nothing can be done about it.. Living on disability, being so confined to home because we don't have the cash to go anywhere (gas mostly being the reason for that) and the fact i live in the friggin' middle of nowhere Alabama... Cant get a job no matter how badly i want to work, I cant drive because i cant put together a vehicle i can drive (hand controls needed) so here i am.. stuck at my desk. and i hate it. don't get me wrong I love my computer. but what i wouldn't give to just be able to feel like i could live my own life.. get out there.. and maybe i wouldn't feel like this. lonely and depressed....
Sorry for the ranting guys... I just need to blow off some steam and i don't really know what else to do. didn't mean to sound all whiny and what-not...
Freebie Alert!
General | Posted 12 years agohttp://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&key=65d956b58785ef9fd27b896d25c9e1ba&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.furaffinity.net%2Fview%2F10652989%2F&v=1&libId=ee65b069-b31c-43d5-91b2-0e7e274062ed&out=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.livestream.com%2Fcheeselock&title=FREEBIES!!%20Read%20bellow%20by%20Esmerelda%20--%20Fur%20Affinity%20%5Bdot%5D%20net&txt=www.livestream.com%2Fcheeselock&jsonp=vglnk_jsonp_13691770838167 go here for the details!
And yet another giveaway! Details below VvVvV
General | Posted 12 years agohttps://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4650608/ <rules here. miss 
NightmareFuel is giving away a free badge! check out her journal and see the details!
NightmareFuel is giving away a free badge! check out her journal and see the details!Free art raffle!!!! =D
General | Posted 13 years agothe lovely 
MoonFae is offering a free picture of someones fur and her own ^.^
Check the rules here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4642559/
MoonFae is offering a free picture of someones fur and her own ^.^ Check the rules here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4642559/
