Is the fact that I am still breathing.

But my feelings for you are Forever.

This is going to be the death of me.

Get a promotion at work. Making more money, got benefits now, pension, etc. But why the fuck do I still feel like I'm missing something? Things are good but I am still not happy/complete. Still want to end this shit sometimes.

I thought about you a lot last night.
More than usual.
It isn't right.
Every time I seem to stray away.
It circles back to you.

I hate seeing you like this.
Broken.
I know it's someone you miss.
Trust me, it'll get better.

You're the one who showed me that it gets better.
I wish I could be there.
Maybe in another universe.
The destinies would intertwine.
Because I do care.

A night's drive can last forever.
When you're alone, staring up.
And think of what you could've done better.
It just brings you down.

We look for remedies.
Alcohol, tobacco, pain.
And it just won't let us be.
Wishing it would all go away.

Stand tall, just remember.
Things will get better.

I sorta like deceiving
And all this tragic loss
I wanna find some patience
But kill the feelings off
I wanna drown in praise
But never really deliver
I wanna feel insane, insane

So long to go, you know

No matter how I cling to life
I'm not fooling anyone
I'm not original anymore
I'm not original anymore
And when the well is dead and dry
I'll keep begging you to start a war
Oh, I'm not original anymore
I'm not original anymore

Do I start it over
Before I self-destruct?
What's the perfect way to say I'm lost? I just give up
Yeah, I wanna try and change (I wanna try and change)
The vanity in the mirror
I know you feel the same, insane

So long to go, you know

No matter how I cling to life
I'm not fooling anyone
I'm not original anymore
I'm not original anymore
And when the well is dead and dry
I'll keep begging you to start a war
Oh, I'm not original anymore
I'm not original anymore

I'm not original anymore

One by one, they fall
Use your words for war
Chasing open doors
For what it's worth

No matter how I cling to life
I'm not fooling anyone
I'm not original anymore
I'm not original anymore
And when the well is dead and dry
I'll keep begging you to start a war
I'm not original anymore
I'm not original anymore

I'll be your Edward if you'll be my Winry.

I'm thinking about it again.
The one thing I swore to never think
Now it's back
I'm at a crossroads
Work is good
Friends are there
But I why do I still want to disappear?
Is it mental sickness?
Or my mind yearning to get rid of the pain?
What is the pain?
I don't know.
I can't explain it.
I don't want to talk about it.
I'm afraid of the consequences.
But at the same time I want to vent it all.
Ups and downs.
Is this what life is supposed to be?
Or is this my destiny?
Life is too short.
Why me?
Fill me with the emotions.
I can't get ever rid of.
I want to go on.
But I just want to cease to exist.

If you shit talk behind my back and don't support my decision then fuck you.

Rant. Ugh.

My head is haunting me and my heart feels like a ghost
I need to feel something, 'cause I'm still so far from home
Cross your heart and hope to die
Promise me you'll never leave my side

Show me what I can't see when the spark in your eyes is gone
You've got me on my knees I'm your one man cult
Cross my heart and hope to die
Promise you I'll never leave your side

'Cause I'm telling you you're all I need
I promise you you're all I see
'Cause I'm telling you you're all I need
I'll never leave

So you can drag me through hell
If it meant I could hold your hand
I will follow you 'cause I'm under your spell
And you can throw me to the flames
I will follow you, I will follow you

Come sink into me and let me breathe you in
I'll be your gravity, you be my oxygen
So dig two graves 'cause when you die
I swear I'll be leaving by your side

So you can drag me through hell
If it meant I could hold your hand
I will follow you 'cause I'm under you spell
And you can throw me to the flames
I will follow you so you can drag me through hell
If it meant I could hold your hand
I will follow you 'cause I'm under you spell
And you can throw me to the flames
I will follow you, I will follow you
I will follow you, I will follow you
So you can drag me through hell
If it meant I could hold your hand
I will follow you 'cause I'm under you spell
And you can throw me to the flames
I will follow you, I will follow you

I'm a walking disaster
A broken machine
And I know that none of it matters
As long as
I'm inside this dream with you

Insomnia keeps me up at night
I sleep on the wrong side
From what I’ve seen
You’re quite the wandering kind
How long have you known
I’ve had my eyes on you
Seen you in these halls
Darling break down the walls!

Insomnia keeps me up at night
I sleep on the wrong side
From what I’ve seen
You’re quite the wandering kind
How long have you known
I’ve had my eyes on you
Seen you in these halls
Darling break down the walls!

A night like tonight I wanna see you come alive
I promise I won’t be frightened by the sight of your soul
A night like tonight I wanna see you come alive
I promise I won’t be frightened by the sight of your soul

A night like tonight I wanna see you come alive
I promise I won’t be frightened by the sight of your soul

Oh you're a constellation
And I'm just a star
Blinking in the universe
But you'll never notice me at all

I am only just a means to an end.

Just so happens that after I saw a meme with Pearl and Rick Sanchez i happen to start watching steven universe and real about her on some wiki articles that she loved stevens mother. Same thing with Jenny xj-9, but I love the way the writers portray her in the cartoon, fine attention to detail, emotionally compromised, low self-esteem, and jealousy in parts. But maybe it's due to the fact I can relate with her character in a lot of ways. I'm very anal about the way things should be, I'm jealous of all these people (gay or straight) having deep and meaningful relationships, having a low self-esteem (partly because of said relationships). But maybe I draw her because I can imagine myself being in control of my life, to have a purpose, to feel loved, just like pearl. I have been told countless times that I've done well in my life and accomplished many things, but I still don't feel any better. As if I never had been complimented at all. But that's probably why I love drawing her, because her character gives me some fantasy of actually falling in love with a girl like her... oh well, I'm just so confused about my life and what I want...

Got to blow off some steam
Contradictions about love...
Secrets I can no longer keep

7 years may not seem like much
A lifetime has passed it seems
Relied on anger as a crutch
Treated myself like a piece of meat

What am I doing wrong?
Am I too shy?
I've been doing this way too long...
I always ask myself why...

I know I'm not alone
This sickness chills me to the bone
I know I'm not alone
This sickness chills me to the bone

Constantly told there is someone
Keep strong and forget about the past
Sometimes impatience dwells
This sorrow will always last

Silently it creeps over me
At the worst time
I can no longer see
The darkness is my crime

This generation I pity
Drugs, sex, and booze is the allure
Nobody wants to have it forever
Maybe it's the cure?

One day someone will come in to your life
Is that a false hope, just a curse?
An imaginary thought I'd call a wife?

I have given up
Thoughts swirl in my head
This is too much
As I lie in this bed

I know I'm not alone
This sickness chills me to the bone
I know I'm not alone
This sickness chills me to the bone

This sickness chills me to the bone

This sickness chills me to the bone

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself (myself)

I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on.
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin.
It's all too much to take in.
I can't hold on.
To end things watching everything spin.
With thoughts of failure sinking in.

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
By myself (myself)

I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on.
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin.
It's all too much to take in.
I can't hold on.
To end things watching everything spin.
With thoughts of failure sinking in.

How do you think
I've lost so much
I'm so afraid
I'm out of touch
How do you expect
I will know what to do
When all I know
Is what you tell me to

Don't you
I can't tell you how to make it
No matter what I do
How hard I
I can't seem to convince myself
I'm stuck on the outside
Don't you
I can't tell you how to make it
No matter what I do
How hard I
I can't seem to convince myself
I'm stuck on the outside

I can't hold on
(To what I want when I'm stretched so thin)
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
(To anything watching everything spin)
Without some failure sinking

I can't hold on
(To what I want when I'm stretched so thin)
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
(To anything watching everything spin)
Without some failure sinking

I have to say what is on my mind.

Not a day goes by without you crossing my mind. We have both been busy being grown ups. But i wanted to let you know its been wonderful over here, my depression has subsided for the most part, my anxiety still gets to me once in a while, but i just look at my shoulder and smile...

Been on everyone's backburner recently. Nobody cares. My life is a lie. Maybe if i was gone somebody might care then. The dead recive more roses than the living.