Any other musicians out there, whether you're a drummer, bassist, vocalist, or guitarist?
I really want to do a collab on a cover or maybe even our own material. I just need to find some other musicians since I can't seem to find any around me IRL... Send me a note!

So after 3 different scopes, I have been officially diagnosed with Crohn's disease, and a decently sized stomach ulcer. Not the best news I could have gotten but at least I have an answer.

I've never felt so barely alive

Anyone know an artist that will accept steam games as payment? I got $10 to waste. Not sure what art I could get for a real $10, so I have no idea what to expect for a $10 steam game v:

So my great uncle has about a week to live, has been dying for about a year, and no one told me. I only found out because my dad mentioned it in front of me while talking to someone on the phone. Communication is great, right?

So I'm done posting medical updates for now, because no one fucking tells me anything.

I just want to know what's wrong with me, but no one can make up their fucking mind about what tests need to be done, or when they need to be done, or what order.

So I'm sitting in the dark, with agonizing stomach, back, knee, and neck pain, just wishing that it'll be over soon.

I just want to feel better...That's all I want...And the more I sit here miserable, starving to death, and still feeling like a fat piece of shit, I think about how nice death must feel. I think about welcoming nothingness with open arms, but the only thing that keeps me here is not my will or wish to live, it's the fact I'd not just be hurting me. I'd be hurting family, and in all honesty, I'm sure I'm just flattering myself to say my friends would miss me more than a day. But I don't want to hurt my dad, or my mom, or my aunts or uncles, or my cousins. But if I do end up breaking, I swear to Christ I'm mentioning how fucking much I resent and hate my brother. I want him to live the rest of his life stricken with guilt and sadness, knowing he drove me to suicide. He is not the only reason I feel like this, but he is one of the biggest sources of my anxiety, sadness, anger, and all other shit emotions I've been feeling.

Ultrasound and camera down my throat it is. Blood and breath test came back negative for everything they tested. Fuck

I came close to pulling a gun out of the closet today

To any of the poor fucks that read these (if anyone does actually read these), There are 3 things that are possibly wrong and causing my stomach pain. In order of ascending negativity, I could have a bacterial infection, an ulcer, or gallbladder stones. If it's an infection it will show up on some blood tests and an ammonia breath test. If they come back positive, I'm going to be pumped full of antibiotics. If they come back negative I'm having an ultrasound and a camera pushed down my throat. If that doesn't show an ulcer, it's most likely my gallbladder is fucked. To test this they inject me with dye that makes my gallbladder contract. If I feel pain during this then I have to have it removed. I also feel worse because I'm told not eating for days at a time is a good way of getting gallbladder stones. Kinda pissed at myself, but oh well, I think I feel better knowing I'm getting skinnier. I'm not sure though, because I've got body pain constantly. Back aches, can't walk right at times, etc etc. I'm also told I need to stop living off of sweet tea, because it can cause kidney stones very fast. When I say I'm living off of tea, I mean that I literally go days without any food or water, just sweet tea. But hey, at least I'm not an alcoholic yet.

Things were actually looking up for about a week, and then they started to free fall again. I'm not feeling as sad as I was before, but I feel weighed down, like every body part of mine has lead weights strapped to them. And the stomach pain...It's constant and only gets worse after I eat, no matter what I eat. Even drinking will give me the feeling that something is stabbing me from the inside. I just want to get better, and I'm trying to think more positively but it's hard when you've got so much pushing in a negative direction...

After a long bout of trying to coax me out of my house to go hang out with a couple of friends, they sit me down and tell me to tell them what's wrong. I feel pressured instantly and I avoid telling them what's wrong because in all reality, I don't know what's wrong. So after a while they give up and our night goes on. They drag me places I didn't want to go and I stupidly complained. And each time I complained, they asked me why I even came which I didn't answer because who has the energy to argue when you're so depressed you physically hurt? Eventually my negativity crossed the line and one of them told me to just go home and kill myself (they had told me this several times throughout the night, but this was the first time it really struck a nerve in me). I got my shit and went to my car and drove home with a blank stare and feeling nothing. I got home safely somehow and sat there in my car, in the darkness, for an hour. Just trembling and shaking, afraid of getting up and using a permanent solution to what I'm told is a temporary problem. After contemplating a lot of different options I got up and went inside to fall on my bed and pass out before I even hit the sheets. Anyway, I need new friends because I've given up trying to fix my sadness. Anyone want a short lived friendship?

I can't sleep, I can't and won't eat until I'm unable my face goes numb and my legs give out, dark thoughts plague my mind, my body hurts for no reason. I feel like I've hit my lowest point, but life has a way of kicking you when you're down, and I'm anxious and terrified about what's going to happen in the future. I feel lonely and I purposefully isolate myself because when I'm around friends I get happy, and the second they leave I fall even harder than before. I'm afraid of being clingy and needy, and down right childish and immature. I've gone to therapy again, but so far it hasn't helped much. I'm no longer living at this point. I'm just letting my body do what it does instinctively, and I'm no longer me. Friends and relatives are noticing, and I don't want them to worry, and I'm too afraid to reach out. I told one of my closer friends how I felt and what he told me is the only thing that's been driving me to haul my shell of a body around through daily life. He told me how fucked up my feelings are and that he never wants to hear any of my shit like that again because he cares too much about me to let me fall and never get back up. That's the first time anyone has said something like that to me. Friends and family have told me in the past how much they care, but all they really focused on was how selfish I was being and they guilt tripped me out of taking my life. 'You're being selfish' 'Think about us' 'After everything we've done, how could you think about going out like that?' etc etc. No one asked me how I felt about it or how they could help. This one did, and when he told me that, I wanted to break down and hug him and never let him go. But the bitter truth is that his words won't keep me going forever. I'm the only one that can keep me going, and I'm about to give up. I'm close to collapsing and laying on the cold ground until I waste away. I'm scared of my own lack of commitment to my life, and I AM thinking about the effects that my giving up would put on the ones I love. I also don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe as a reminder for me in the future of how dark it can get before light shines through again. Maybe it's foreshadowing something I'll do later down the line... I really don't know. All I know is I need to gather my thoughts and sort through them and figure out what I really want. Not much of this really makes sense, I think. I'm just typing as I think of things that I'm feeling or thinking about. I'm sorry I wasted your time.