FA+
Shop
How do I open up & share after years of being silent & alone
General | Posted a month agoCutting to the chase. I’m old.
I’m going to be turning 49 later this month. But also bad about sharing things about myself. I have friends who will try to do things for their birthdays and will try to support and celebrate with them.
But when it comes to me, I just hide away. I have a hard time being the center of attention. It makes me feel like shit. But also knowing that I’m pushing friends away also makes me feel like shit.
Sorry, I can’t complete my thoughts since even typing what I have has gotten me down again.
But also I want to say I don’t really want anything or expect anything. Again, that kind of attention or effort made for me I hate and makes me feel bad that I’m unworthy for it.
I’m going to be turning 49 later this month. But also bad about sharing things about myself. I have friends who will try to do things for their birthdays and will try to support and celebrate with them.
But when it comes to me, I just hide away. I have a hard time being the center of attention. It makes me feel like shit. But also knowing that I’m pushing friends away also makes me feel like shit.
Sorry, I can’t complete my thoughts since even typing what I have has gotten me down again.
But also I want to say I don’t really want anything or expect anything. Again, that kind of attention or effort made for me I hate and makes me feel bad that I’m unworthy for it.
Beach Party Art Dump
General | Posted 2 years agoA bit ago I realized I had a couple coms in the work that all had some sort of beach/swimsuit theme. So I decided to hold back on posting them and getting a few more to save up and post together as a set. Also did some recoloring of a previous sketch I had started the line work but never finished and had been sitting in my Procreate gallery.
So with Labor Day in the USA being the unofficial end for summer fun times, here we go.
So with Labor Day in the USA being the unofficial end for summer fun times, here we go.
(depression vent post)
General | Posted 3 years agoIt’s been a LONG time since I put up a mental health vent outburst post here. Not saying that I was doing well but have slipped again. Nope. I have been falling low back then and still falling low now.
I don’t really know what I want out of this. Part like I said is just spewing out some of the thoughts that are plaguing me and can manage to form words around. I honestly don’t really expect anyone to read or respond. I ESPECIALLY don’t want effort spent on my behalf because it will honestly make me feel even more guilty. There are better causes out there and people who are worse off that need more.
I don’t REALLY know what all my catalyst are, but I do know that this is both a holiday weekend and there is a big comic convention going on near by that are certainly a big part of some of what I can enumerate.
To be frank, I’m always just alone and it’s being trapped with my own thoughts that just send me down into darkness. My only defense is “distractions”. Clearly something is wrong when going into work is better for my mental state than taking time away. It is able to give me something to focus on but even then, lately even then I feel like I’m uncertain what all I need to be doing while getting pulled multiple directions with various priority requests.
And yeah, I describe my work/life balance as a divide by zero equation. Work is the only place where I’m regularly around other people but even then, I’m still mostly just at my keyboard and I’m just overhearing the chit chat and socialization other people are doing. I’ve been on my program for a long time and I don’t really have “work friends” anymore. The ones I used to have all moved on with what they’re doing, doing other things, or otherwise just moved on with their life while I just sat there.
And yeah, the holiday weekend aspect comes in here because while people are talking about plans or out taking trips or doing things with others, I’m just -here-. I’m fortunate enough that I get every other Friday off, so this is just any other three days away from work for me. It’s nothing special. Except for everyone else. So when I hear “what are you doing for <insert date with social significance>?” I have nothing and feel even more guilt because I have nothing or even worse when people try to insist that I NEED to do something special. This holds doubly true for my birthday. I feel so much nothing about it that I feel bad whenever it comes up and I would rather not be the point of attention.
It says a lot about my depressed headspace that the first thought after getting breakfast and groceries this morning was “I guess it’s back to being the lonely shut-in and remain unseen until work on Tuesday.”
And yeah, Phoenix Fan Fusion is this weekend so I’m seem pics and stories of things going on plus the lead in of cosplay plans and projects. But the past few years, social anxiety reenforced by multiple meltdowns or near meltdowns at a few different conventions puts me where I don’t know if I can ever truly return. It’s again a place where I can see people having fun and doing things. I hear the voices of friends getting together. Voices that have gotten more and more familiar.
That is exactly what I can trace as the tipping point for my meltdown at PDFC a few years back. I was on a downtime waiting for whatever was happening later that evening. But while I was sitting without really anything to do, I was bombarded by the sounds of everyone around partying, playing, discussing plans, etc. And yes, several people I knew were among the chorus and it just became too much. It’s a particular reason why I’m just so hyper aware of my self induced solitude and being alone in crowds.
Like I said, I honestly don’t know why I’m typing all this up and putting it out there in the semi-anonymous void. I certainly know that I’m too broken to actually fix and can’t actually make myself do anything about it all. And like I said, I often just feel guilty when I get attention over things like this. Hell, I recognize that one thing the WulfBane character provides is a layer of anonymity and don’t really like presenting the normal view of me. Even when I do werewolf type things, it’s just an anthro wolf that is shifting into a more beastly monstrous werewolf form.
I don’t really know what I want out of this. Part like I said is just spewing out some of the thoughts that are plaguing me and can manage to form words around. I honestly don’t really expect anyone to read or respond. I ESPECIALLY don’t want effort spent on my behalf because it will honestly make me feel even more guilty. There are better causes out there and people who are worse off that need more.
I don’t REALLY know what all my catalyst are, but I do know that this is both a holiday weekend and there is a big comic convention going on near by that are certainly a big part of some of what I can enumerate.
To be frank, I’m always just alone and it’s being trapped with my own thoughts that just send me down into darkness. My only defense is “distractions”. Clearly something is wrong when going into work is better for my mental state than taking time away. It is able to give me something to focus on but even then, lately even then I feel like I’m uncertain what all I need to be doing while getting pulled multiple directions with various priority requests.
And yeah, I describe my work/life balance as a divide by zero equation. Work is the only place where I’m regularly around other people but even then, I’m still mostly just at my keyboard and I’m just overhearing the chit chat and socialization other people are doing. I’ve been on my program for a long time and I don’t really have “work friends” anymore. The ones I used to have all moved on with what they’re doing, doing other things, or otherwise just moved on with their life while I just sat there.
And yeah, the holiday weekend aspect comes in here because while people are talking about plans or out taking trips or doing things with others, I’m just -here-. I’m fortunate enough that I get every other Friday off, so this is just any other three days away from work for me. It’s nothing special. Except for everyone else. So when I hear “what are you doing for <insert date with social significance>?” I have nothing and feel even more guilt because I have nothing or even worse when people try to insist that I NEED to do something special. This holds doubly true for my birthday. I feel so much nothing about it that I feel bad whenever it comes up and I would rather not be the point of attention.
It says a lot about my depressed headspace that the first thought after getting breakfast and groceries this morning was “I guess it’s back to being the lonely shut-in and remain unseen until work on Tuesday.”
And yeah, Phoenix Fan Fusion is this weekend so I’m seem pics and stories of things going on plus the lead in of cosplay plans and projects. But the past few years, social anxiety reenforced by multiple meltdowns or near meltdowns at a few different conventions puts me where I don’t know if I can ever truly return. It’s again a place where I can see people having fun and doing things. I hear the voices of friends getting together. Voices that have gotten more and more familiar.
That is exactly what I can trace as the tipping point for my meltdown at PDFC a few years back. I was on a downtime waiting for whatever was happening later that evening. But while I was sitting without really anything to do, I was bombarded by the sounds of everyone around partying, playing, discussing plans, etc. And yes, several people I knew were among the chorus and it just became too much. It’s a particular reason why I’m just so hyper aware of my self induced solitude and being alone in crowds.
Like I said, I honestly don’t know why I’m typing all this up and putting it out there in the semi-anonymous void. I certainly know that I’m too broken to actually fix and can’t actually make myself do anything about it all. And like I said, I often just feel guilty when I get attention over things like this. Hell, I recognize that one thing the WulfBane character provides is a layer of anonymity and don’t really like presenting the normal view of me. Even when I do werewolf type things, it’s just an anthro wolf that is shifting into a more beastly monstrous werewolf form.
Doodle prompts and/or Procreate tips?
General | Posted 5 years agoSo I know coming up I’m gonna have a 10 day break form work and it’s honestly just going to be hell for me. Depression, isolation, self loathing, lack of focus, etc. (Xmas break is gonna be even worse)
I did just get the Lego Star Wars Mandalorian Razor Crest set I realize I should save for then so that will help for some of the time. But another thing I want to try to use to take my mind off things is try some more “Mental Health Doodles” with my new iPad & stylus. That brings me to the question in the title of this journal.
1. Any ideas for drawing prompts?
- I stated considering “mental health doodles” after I realized how well doing Inktober could get me to focus on drawing and off of other things. But I sometimes have a hard time knowing what to draw.
2. Any tips for Procreate or digital tablet drawing in general?
- That Apple Pencil is my first time doing art via a tablet. It certainly has it’s own learning curve but I think another part is figuring out the art program. There is certainly a lot where my lack of vocabulary makes it hard for me to even know what to look for when I want to do thing. The plethora of pen/brush options is also overwhelming to know what should be “normal brushes” for sketch, inking, and coloring and what are for more specialized work.
I did just get the Lego Star Wars Mandalorian Razor Crest set I realize I should save for then so that will help for some of the time. But another thing I want to try to use to take my mind off things is try some more “Mental Health Doodles” with my new iPad & stylus. That brings me to the question in the title of this journal.
1. Any ideas for drawing prompts?
- I stated considering “mental health doodles” after I realized how well doing Inktober could get me to focus on drawing and off of other things. But I sometimes have a hard time knowing what to draw.
2. Any tips for Procreate or digital tablet drawing in general?
- That Apple Pencil is my first time doing art via a tablet. It certainly has it’s own learning curve but I think another part is figuring out the art program. There is certainly a lot where my lack of vocabulary makes it hard for me to even know what to look for when I want to do thing. The plethora of pen/brush options is also overwhelming to know what should be “normal brushes” for sketch, inking, and coloring and what are for more specialized work.
Idle
General | Posted 6 years agoYes, another WulfBane journal lamenting my depression.
I posted in a group chat “No motivation. Purely obligation to almost nothing.” I initially meant it to how much I’ve dropped off at the gym the past few months but quickly realized it applies to so many other things for me.
I’m especially seeing it as my work going into Kass has dropped off significantly. I got pretty far in my first push making his head and wings. Then I stopped for a few weeks before spending a week finishing his body. Now I’m in a very slow “getting parts” process for his accordion. There are plenty of chances to try to move forward and actually do something on that or even move to his feet or leather vest while waiting on electronic parts, but instead I’m doing a whole lot of nothing.
And I don’t just mean nothing on Kass. I have been watching as I do a lot of nothing with all the things I should be doing. Things I need to do around my house just to function. I just ignore it and beat myself up in my head while I just sit blankly holding my iPad and have the tv playing. I’m usually not even paying attention to either most of the time. Just occupying space. Idle.
I posted in a group chat “No motivation. Purely obligation to almost nothing.” I initially meant it to how much I’ve dropped off at the gym the past few months but quickly realized it applies to so many other things for me.
I’m especially seeing it as my work going into Kass has dropped off significantly. I got pretty far in my first push making his head and wings. Then I stopped for a few weeks before spending a week finishing his body. Now I’m in a very slow “getting parts” process for his accordion. There are plenty of chances to try to move forward and actually do something on that or even move to his feet or leather vest while waiting on electronic parts, but instead I’m doing a whole lot of nothing.
And I don’t just mean nothing on Kass. I have been watching as I do a lot of nothing with all the things I should be doing. Things I need to do around my house just to function. I just ignore it and beat myself up in my head while I just sit blankly holding my iPad and have the tv playing. I’m usually not even paying attention to either most of the time. Just occupying space. Idle.
More on why I suck...
General | Posted 6 years agoSorry, I’m still riled up and this has been stewing in my head for weeks without even getting to what I meant to vent about in that last one.
So yeah, obviously no BLFC for me this year. It’s a mixed bag that I’m on several different minds about. It could have been a chance to turn myself around, but more likely I would have been even worse. Doing these made me see that even out of last BLFC I was on about how much of a personal failure that was for me.
But I didn’t give myself a chance this year. Hell, among things on my mind is seeing all my friends that are there rooming together and I have NEVER even been able to broach the question. Never try to ask if anyone wants to go with me, pool our resources to improve our chances to get a room. Never able to ask if anyone has extra space available.
Hell, I’ve been around friends as they’ve discussed con room plans and I just clam up, go silent, and try to avoid any sort of notice.
It’s another thing I can’t stand about myself. I never even try to collaborate with friends to try to do things together. I have plenty of ideas in the back of my mind in that “wouldn’t it be cool if?” area. But that is where they live. Hidden in the back, locked away from the world.
I can’t even ask if people want to do something. I hate that I have a shit load of board games. Most of them I bought YEARS ago and collected without even having any friends to play with at the time. I was just some isolated loser that played WoW and sure I was cosplaying conventions, but I had yet to actually try to meet with people. Just that “oh, these games look cool” and “it sure would be cool if people came over to play this.”
But there weren’t any people to bring over. The number of times I’ve played these games by myself. The times I still do that. Yeah, I do have people I could play with. People I have done game nights with. But there’s still no way in hell I can get my anxiety riddled, crippled with depression mind to let me initiate shit. Others might bring it up and I can offer weak options that sometimes happen, but I can never start anything.
I’m just so broken.
So yeah, obviously no BLFC for me this year. It’s a mixed bag that I’m on several different minds about. It could have been a chance to turn myself around, but more likely I would have been even worse. Doing these made me see that even out of last BLFC I was on about how much of a personal failure that was for me.
But I didn’t give myself a chance this year. Hell, among things on my mind is seeing all my friends that are there rooming together and I have NEVER even been able to broach the question. Never try to ask if anyone wants to go with me, pool our resources to improve our chances to get a room. Never able to ask if anyone has extra space available.
Hell, I’ve been around friends as they’ve discussed con room plans and I just clam up, go silent, and try to avoid any sort of notice.
It’s another thing I can’t stand about myself. I never even try to collaborate with friends to try to do things together. I have plenty of ideas in the back of my mind in that “wouldn’t it be cool if?” area. But that is where they live. Hidden in the back, locked away from the world.
I can’t even ask if people want to do something. I hate that I have a shit load of board games. Most of them I bought YEARS ago and collected without even having any friends to play with at the time. I was just some isolated loser that played WoW and sure I was cosplaying conventions, but I had yet to actually try to meet with people. Just that “oh, these games look cool” and “it sure would be cool if people came over to play this.”
But there weren’t any people to bring over. The number of times I’ve played these games by myself. The times I still do that. Yeah, I do have people I could play with. People I have done game nights with. But there’s still no way in hell I can get my anxiety riddled, crippled with depression mind to let me initiate shit. Others might bring it up and I can offer weak options that sometimes happen, but I can never start anything.
I’m just so broken.
Furcons are a pain gauntlet
General | Posted 6 years agoFuck. I’m too mentally broken beyond repair.
I just can’t handle furcons. They’re all about going out, drinking, partying with friends, meeting new friends and building relationships, suiting up and being fun animal people.
And I can’t do any of that.
PDFC was the worst for me. It finally pushed me to finally have a complete mental breakdown Friday evening that just ruined me for the rest of the weekend and continues to weigh on me. It’s hard to say and wasn’t what I ever expected, but it was actually painful. Typing this out is painful.
It hurt I’m just too passive. I never ask for anything. I am completely unable to open up around people. So of course when I see people I recognize out at conventions, they can either come up to me (because I sure as hell am not going to be going up to anyone) and get nothing out of me, or go over to the people they know properly and have actual conversations, fun, etc.
PDFC was so packed with watching that happen constantly. Being trapped in my own head unable to move myself or say anything while being surrounded by TONS of people I’ve met. People in town that I don’t do anything with.
There were even a few extra twists of the knife when those people would be surprised to see me there or talk about catching up later. They have more important things to do. More important people to see. More important friends they are already part of to take part in more important plans that have already been set.
None of these people were actually aware that this is how my broken brain misinterpreted everything. I don’t blame any of them. I just blame myself. I offer nothing so there really is no reason. I just try to hide and become a husk just taking up space.
Even the offers to help me later that weekend hurt. I felt too far gone that I wasn’t something people should be around. That I would just infect and sour their convention as well. That not only was I not something not worth being around but something that should be avoided.
I have so many other things on my mind and to be honest I never expected this to be so much of a post PDFC report. A convention back in February. I’m just going to stop adding that stuff for now.
I will say that the weird thing is WWWC was a month after PDFC and while I was suiting around that doing my steampunk Star Fox Team member thing, it was different. It was back to just cosplaying at that point and I was relatively unique and interesting in terms of what I could add to roaming around the steampunk convention. But at a Fur Con, I’m just yet another suit. Sure I can bring my own flair to it but the overall convention atmosphere is completely different from a general nerd convention.
I just run out of things to roam around and look at on my own at a fur con. And like I said, what I do see at Fur cons is now just so magnified by past experiences to just see the groups of friends in stark contrast to my solitude.
I just can’t handle furcons. They’re all about going out, drinking, partying with friends, meeting new friends and building relationships, suiting up and being fun animal people.
And I can’t do any of that.
PDFC was the worst for me. It finally pushed me to finally have a complete mental breakdown Friday evening that just ruined me for the rest of the weekend and continues to weigh on me. It’s hard to say and wasn’t what I ever expected, but it was actually painful. Typing this out is painful.
It hurt I’m just too passive. I never ask for anything. I am completely unable to open up around people. So of course when I see people I recognize out at conventions, they can either come up to me (because I sure as hell am not going to be going up to anyone) and get nothing out of me, or go over to the people they know properly and have actual conversations, fun, etc.
PDFC was so packed with watching that happen constantly. Being trapped in my own head unable to move myself or say anything while being surrounded by TONS of people I’ve met. People in town that I don’t do anything with.
There were even a few extra twists of the knife when those people would be surprised to see me there or talk about catching up later. They have more important things to do. More important people to see. More important friends they are already part of to take part in more important plans that have already been set.
None of these people were actually aware that this is how my broken brain misinterpreted everything. I don’t blame any of them. I just blame myself. I offer nothing so there really is no reason. I just try to hide and become a husk just taking up space.
Even the offers to help me later that weekend hurt. I felt too far gone that I wasn’t something people should be around. That I would just infect and sour their convention as well. That not only was I not something not worth being around but something that should be avoided.
I have so many other things on my mind and to be honest I never expected this to be so much of a post PDFC report. A convention back in February. I’m just going to stop adding that stuff for now.
I will say that the weird thing is WWWC was a month after PDFC and while I was suiting around that doing my steampunk Star Fox Team member thing, it was different. It was back to just cosplaying at that point and I was relatively unique and interesting in terms of what I could add to roaming around the steampunk convention. But at a Fur Con, I’m just yet another suit. Sure I can bring my own flair to it but the overall convention atmosphere is completely different from a general nerd convention.
I just run out of things to roam around and look at on my own at a fur con. And like I said, what I do see at Fur cons is now just so magnified by past experiences to just see the groups of friends in stark contrast to my solitude.
Mental Health Doodles
General | Posted 7 years agoI’ll admit I know full well one of the ways I slip down into my depressive states is the sheer amount of solitude I typically endure. Outside of work, I think I’m around people I know once, maybe twice a week. And when it gets really bad for me, seeing groups of friends pal around sometimes only seems to amplify my self sorrow reflecting how alone I am 90% of the time. I honestly feel have way too much inertia after all the decades to try to ask or suddenly change it either. In a way, even the rare moments I do have are a slight improvement over the zero moments I had a few years ago.
Last week I did make a rando sketch for someone. Creative outlets have been another way I’ve gotten through times. While I was actually spending a lot of time that weekend making a new jumpsuit costume, I guess the ”more of the same” after spending a few days on it wasn’t really help liven my mood. But a few minutes on a sketch did help.
I know it isn’t going to be a “cure” for me, but maybe I should try to break even longer creative tasks up with smaller, completely different ones. Taking part in Inktober the last two years honestly was a nice daily focus point for me. Maybe not every day and maybe not always making a sketch, but I should try something.
And yes, the name is a play on the phrase “taking a mental health day”
Last week I did make a rando sketch for someone. Creative outlets have been another way I’ve gotten through times. While I was actually spending a lot of time that weekend making a new jumpsuit costume, I guess the ”more of the same” after spending a few days on it wasn’t really help liven my mood. But a few minutes on a sketch did help.
I know it isn’t going to be a “cure” for me, but maybe I should try to break even longer creative tasks up with smaller, completely different ones. Taking part in Inktober the last two years honestly was a nice daily focus point for me. Maybe not every day and maybe not always making a sketch, but I should try something.
And yes, the name is a play on the phrase “taking a mental health day”
DFFULL
General | Posted 7 years ago“Dumb Fuck Fuck Up Loner Loser.”
The sheer nosedive that my year ended with. And 90% of it seems like an intangible uncertain feeling of “I’m fucked up garbage” without really being able to point to the specifics why.
Its in lows like this that thoughts like “I just know people who make lots of friends” go through my head. Not that I’m not their friend, just that they can gather and build a large circle of active friends. Friends that they can do things with.
At the same time, I’m incapable of accepting assistance and charity. I don’t like the feeling that people are taking pitty on me. And when I’m in my lows I just see more and more offerings as just pitty support and reject it even harder, even when it usually probably isn’t. I’m just made to push everything away and push even harder when I need it the most.
The sheer nosedive that my year ended with. And 90% of it seems like an intangible uncertain feeling of “I’m fucked up garbage” without really being able to point to the specifics why.
Its in lows like this that thoughts like “I just know people who make lots of friends” go through my head. Not that I’m not their friend, just that they can gather and build a large circle of active friends. Friends that they can do things with.
At the same time, I’m incapable of accepting assistance and charity. I don’t like the feeling that people are taking pitty on me. And when I’m in my lows I just see more and more offerings as just pitty support and reject it even harder, even when it usually probably isn’t. I’m just made to push everything away and push even harder when I need it the most.
Inktober 2018
General | Posted 7 years agoMonth is almost over so that means Monday is the start of #Inktober2018. Come on all you people, give it a try. It doesn’t mater your skill level, use it as a reason to draw something every day. I’m not much of an artist but doing it last year I felt like I at least got some confidence in what I was doing.
If I can do it, you can do it!
https://inktober.com/rules/ - rules & prompt list
At least for me, I’ll be doing the drawings one a day on the day of each prompt. I also try to avoid thinking too much ahead to what exactly I’m going to draw until the day of the prompt (I will play around with general concepts ahead) Typically I do a pencil sketch layer, ink it with black, erase the lines, then ink in some color.
I will be posting the results each day on my personal facebook and I’ll probably try to put it on my Twitter & Instagram. But here on FA, I’ll likely just post 6-8 drawings at a time like I did last year since they aren’t all going to be furry related.
Also should I try to have a common theme I try to include across my sketches? Sort of like how Brian Kesinger's Tea Girls did 31 ”Inkbots” last year that each matched up to the 2017 prompts?
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25287912/ - My Inktober 2017 final results.
If I can do it, you can do it!
https://inktober.com/rules/ - rules & prompt list
At least for me, I’ll be doing the drawings one a day on the day of each prompt. I also try to avoid thinking too much ahead to what exactly I’m going to draw until the day of the prompt (I will play around with general concepts ahead) Typically I do a pencil sketch layer, ink it with black, erase the lines, then ink in some color.
I will be posting the results each day on my personal facebook and I’ll probably try to put it on my Twitter & Instagram. But here on FA, I’ll likely just post 6-8 drawings at a time like I did last year since they aren’t all going to be furry related.
Also should I try to have a common theme I try to include across my sketches? Sort of like how Brian Kesinger's Tea Girls did 31 ”Inkbots” last year that each matched up to the 2017 prompts?
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/25287912/ - My Inktober 2017 final results.
Post BLFC self evaluation
General | Posted 7 years agoI’ll be blunt. I completely failed to get out and do anything with anybody the entire weekend. Just like every other year, like every other convention, I continue to do everything solo.
But I also feel like I learned how better to articulate some of the reasons and things I can try to improve. They are going to be very difficult for me to change and it’s still probably going to take a few more failed cons to get beyond it, but maybe I can work on the habits that I need.
A lot of it boils down to communication. There were plenty of local people I know up there yet I never say anything about how I’m almost always looking for something to do. Instead I do a pretty good job at hiding what’s really on my mind. At the same time I admit that I don’t really give many ways for people to get in touch with me and don’t really show up in many chat channels.
So without anybody asking (since nobody knows) and my block at opening a channel to broadcast anything, I do what I always do. I hang out with WulfBane. This term popped in my head while I was up there and it seems like the best way to describe it. I put on the suit, head out, and it’s the suit that’s roaming around while I’m just tagging along occupying the space within. I never really have any ideas what I should do and WulfBane sure as hell isn’t going to tell me what to do, so it usually ends up as wandering around randomly & aimlessly.
That’s probably what I should try to bring to an end first. Less “one-on-one time” with WulfBane.
Similar, there are all those times I come across people I know but at best I spend ~30 seconds with them before I feel like I should let them go since (at least in my head) they clearly have their own plans and things to do with their own group and I should get out of their hair to get back to what they were doing. But that may be something bigger to take on later. Plus if I can improve where I’m going into the con with even loose plans on trying stuff with people, it will help.
But I also feel like I learned how better to articulate some of the reasons and things I can try to improve. They are going to be very difficult for me to change and it’s still probably going to take a few more failed cons to get beyond it, but maybe I can work on the habits that I need.
A lot of it boils down to communication. There were plenty of local people I know up there yet I never say anything about how I’m almost always looking for something to do. Instead I do a pretty good job at hiding what’s really on my mind. At the same time I admit that I don’t really give many ways for people to get in touch with me and don’t really show up in many chat channels.
So without anybody asking (since nobody knows) and my block at opening a channel to broadcast anything, I do what I always do. I hang out with WulfBane. This term popped in my head while I was up there and it seems like the best way to describe it. I put on the suit, head out, and it’s the suit that’s roaming around while I’m just tagging along occupying the space within. I never really have any ideas what I should do and WulfBane sure as hell isn’t going to tell me what to do, so it usually ends up as wandering around randomly & aimlessly.
That’s probably what I should try to bring to an end first. Less “one-on-one time” with WulfBane.
Similar, there are all those times I come across people I know but at best I spend ~30 seconds with them before I feel like I should let them go since (at least in my head) they clearly have their own plans and things to do with their own group and I should get out of their hair to get back to what they were doing. But that may be something bigger to take on later. Plus if I can improve where I’m going into the con with even loose plans on trying stuff with people, it will help.
BLFC 2018
General | Posted 7 years agoI’ll admit that doubts and scenarios about BLFC have been on my mind as of late. But it was just going to be the same bitching and self loathing from other posts so no point in restating that.
So yeah, I’ll be at BLFC this year. I’ve got a pic of the costume pieces I made that will be included in the rotation. That’s that.
So yeah, I’ll be at BLFC this year. I’ve got a pic of the costume pieces I made that will be included in the rotation. That’s that.
2018 - Trying to turn it around
General | Posted 8 years agoSo to be completely honest, 2017 was kind of a bad year for me and I was a major contributor to letting it go bad. Sure there may be a number of individual things I’ve done, but they were all singular things. They may have been near people I know, but I never let myself do things WITH people.
Just about everywhere, but especially at conventions and other big meets & events, I felt like an NPC. I was some random character a party would come across, perhaps have a small interaction with me, and then they would depart to continue on with their own adventure. And again, I was often too nervous, anxious, or caught in my own depression to allow myself to open up and speak out to what I was actually feeling. I wouldn’t make any attempts to reach out and ask about tagging along let alone take the initiative to ask if people want to join me in doing something.
Instead I did even more slinking away into myself, hiding in the croud, shying away from invitations, and just made my shell even thicker and isolated myself away from everybody else. Heck, I’m fairly sure I swatted away a few honest attempts at help. I sure as hell know that my demeanor over this past year, especially in the past few months, drew the attention of several people who were trying to offer assistance and advice and I typically reacted to all that sudden attention by putting up more walls and just getting more quiet about myself.
So I’m trying to turn myself around. Trying to be more open to accepting invitations to things. Actually get myself out there in the middle of things rather than just constantly on the edge like I usually do to myself. I feel like one part of it is I may have developed a bit of a reputation that I’m a loner, always off to the side, never actually interested in things.
Honestly inside I think its a weird feedback loop where I’ve spent most of my life never allowing myself to be around people. But then in my attempts to change that, I’m still unsure about myself and how to act, so I just end up sitting there, stay silent to not bother anybody, and put myself back to the edge of the circle I was trying to push myself away from in my attempts to get in, join, and be accepted into the various circles I see around me. It all makes me come off with things like I’m just disinterested or not wanting to be a part of things or not enjoying myself.
That behavior when I’m at a thing combined with the MULTITUDE of times I’ve dissuaded myself from accepting invitations to join in other things, I feel like (at least in my head) I give the impression that maybe it isn’t worth attempting to continue to invite to regular things.
Another bit thing is trying to invite more people over to my place and being the host rather than just be yet another random body taking up space. I did actually have about three small gatherings out at my house this last year and is three more than I’ve had in the 15 years before. They were small, just a few people I knew, but I know its a start that I’m trying to expand and branch out. One part I admit has been hard has been trying to think of a REASON people may want to come to my place.
I guess I feel like something has to be an EVENT and not just some “hey, come over and lets do a thing”. I admit, I never really developed a feel for “just hanging out”. Again, its that feedback loop of never having ‘hung out’ with anyone so I decline when I get those random invitations to hang out because I don’t really know what to do and continue to not really know or be open to ‘hang out’.
But on the other end, in the times I HAVE had people over for like the Super Bowl and even last night for a “VR games + New Years Eve” thing, things are kind of self sufficient. I don’t really have to constantly worry and monitor everything going on and constantly be the one that is trying to actively entertain all my guests. I should be fine knowing that I can offer a few spaces for people to congregate, a place for food, maybe a table for activities and a screen for watching things.
Also, I know conventions will still be tough for me to be ACTUALLY social and not just have a few disjointed 5 minute encounters. I have 10 years of just being a random costume in the croud at conventions that it’s difficult to change. I only have about four on my plate for this coming year: Wild Wild West Con in March; BLFC in May; probably Tucson Comic Con in November; and AZFC also in November.
So bottom line. I’m going to try to be more open to going to things friends are doing, getting myself around people I’ve met, and even try to offer my place up as a place to do things. I’m still going to take it slow, especially on having people over, but I’m going to try to expand and do more and maybe even bigger. And I know it’s not something that will just magically change in just a year and is something that will be a long term project.
Just about everywhere, but especially at conventions and other big meets & events, I felt like an NPC. I was some random character a party would come across, perhaps have a small interaction with me, and then they would depart to continue on with their own adventure. And again, I was often too nervous, anxious, or caught in my own depression to allow myself to open up and speak out to what I was actually feeling. I wouldn’t make any attempts to reach out and ask about tagging along let alone take the initiative to ask if people want to join me in doing something.
Instead I did even more slinking away into myself, hiding in the croud, shying away from invitations, and just made my shell even thicker and isolated myself away from everybody else. Heck, I’m fairly sure I swatted away a few honest attempts at help. I sure as hell know that my demeanor over this past year, especially in the past few months, drew the attention of several people who were trying to offer assistance and advice and I typically reacted to all that sudden attention by putting up more walls and just getting more quiet about myself.
So I’m trying to turn myself around. Trying to be more open to accepting invitations to things. Actually get myself out there in the middle of things rather than just constantly on the edge like I usually do to myself. I feel like one part of it is I may have developed a bit of a reputation that I’m a loner, always off to the side, never actually interested in things.
Honestly inside I think its a weird feedback loop where I’ve spent most of my life never allowing myself to be around people. But then in my attempts to change that, I’m still unsure about myself and how to act, so I just end up sitting there, stay silent to not bother anybody, and put myself back to the edge of the circle I was trying to push myself away from in my attempts to get in, join, and be accepted into the various circles I see around me. It all makes me come off with things like I’m just disinterested or not wanting to be a part of things or not enjoying myself.
That behavior when I’m at a thing combined with the MULTITUDE of times I’ve dissuaded myself from accepting invitations to join in other things, I feel like (at least in my head) I give the impression that maybe it isn’t worth attempting to continue to invite to regular things.
Another bit thing is trying to invite more people over to my place and being the host rather than just be yet another random body taking up space. I did actually have about three small gatherings out at my house this last year and is three more than I’ve had in the 15 years before. They were small, just a few people I knew, but I know its a start that I’m trying to expand and branch out. One part I admit has been hard has been trying to think of a REASON people may want to come to my place.
I guess I feel like something has to be an EVENT and not just some “hey, come over and lets do a thing”. I admit, I never really developed a feel for “just hanging out”. Again, its that feedback loop of never having ‘hung out’ with anyone so I decline when I get those random invitations to hang out because I don’t really know what to do and continue to not really know or be open to ‘hang out’.
But on the other end, in the times I HAVE had people over for like the Super Bowl and even last night for a “VR games + New Years Eve” thing, things are kind of self sufficient. I don’t really have to constantly worry and monitor everything going on and constantly be the one that is trying to actively entertain all my guests. I should be fine knowing that I can offer a few spaces for people to congregate, a place for food, maybe a table for activities and a screen for watching things.
Also, I know conventions will still be tough for me to be ACTUALLY social and not just have a few disjointed 5 minute encounters. I have 10 years of just being a random costume in the croud at conventions that it’s difficult to change. I only have about four on my plate for this coming year: Wild Wild West Con in March; BLFC in May; probably Tucson Comic Con in November; and AZFC also in November.
So bottom line. I’m going to try to be more open to going to things friends are doing, getting myself around people I’ve met, and even try to offer my place up as a place to do things. I’m still going to take it slow, especially on having people over, but I’m going to try to expand and do more and maybe even bigger. And I know it’s not something that will just magically change in just a year and is something that will be a long term project.
AFC Prop Panel?
General | Posted 8 years agoI've been dragging my feet for a lot of reasons, but I probably should submit a prop panel for AFC before it's too late.
Kind of wondering how I should do it this time around. I could go in with it being similar to what I ended up doing at IBFC of having examples on display and speaking to them. But I also wonder if I'm just going to end up doing exactly the same thing as IBFC.
Do I expand beyond foam craft? Problem there is I'm not sure I have many good examples of my own I could put forth and use as talking points of build techniques and stuff. Especially trying to think in terms of what sorts of props & accessories furries may want to pair with their suit and stuff.
I'm probably not going to attempt a live build seeing that I didn't really have the opportunity to do so during the IBFC panel.
(I'll admit I've been in a bad funk to say the least that has had me demotivated and unfortunately I've just been responding to it by going further & further away from everything)
Kind of wondering how I should do it this time around. I could go in with it being similar to what I ended up doing at IBFC of having examples on display and speaking to them. But I also wonder if I'm just going to end up doing exactly the same thing as IBFC.
Do I expand beyond foam craft? Problem there is I'm not sure I have many good examples of my own I could put forth and use as talking points of build techniques and stuff. Especially trying to think in terms of what sorts of props & accessories furries may want to pair with their suit and stuff.
I'm probably not going to attempt a live build seeing that I didn't really have the opportunity to do so during the IBFC panel.
(I'll admit I've been in a bad funk to say the least that has had me demotivated and unfortunately I've just been responding to it by going further & further away from everything)
Califur -
General | Posted 8 years agoSo I guess yeah, I'll be at Califur this weekend. I'll admit that a bunch of my anxieties and depression want to flare up, but I'm trying to ignore them and instead try to at least use the weekend to clear my head.
Stop worrying about trying to actively meet people. Let it just be chance temporary encounters. Don't over do it w/ suiting. Plus, I'll have my laptop and some art supplies that I can use to work on something if it looks like I'm going to have extended down time.
Just look at this weekend as the kick-off to a trio of consecutive convention weekends (PhxCC and BLFC follow) and some time away from work. Plus I'm considering driving out tonight at around Midnight so I can spend Thursday at Disneyland.
Stop worrying about trying to actively meet people. Let it just be chance temporary encounters. Don't over do it w/ suiting. Plus, I'll have my laptop and some art supplies that I can use to work on something if it looks like I'm going to have extended down time.
Just look at this weekend as the kick-off to a trio of consecutive convention weekends (PhxCC and BLFC follow) and some time away from work. Plus I'm considering driving out tonight at around Midnight so I can spend Thursday at Disneyland.
Suggestions? Conventions by myself with social anxiety?
General | Posted 8 years agoIt's still weighing on me.
Why the hell do I still go to conventions?
I'm always there by myself, alone, with SHITLOADS of social anxiety and other mental blocks. I honestly don't know what to do with myself for the span of time.
I mean I'm good for browsing through the dealer's area a couple times, sitting in for a few panels, and maybe wondering around in suit / costume for a bit. But I end up with a LOT of time left to fill.
But I can't really get myself to get into things like the raves, drinking at the bar / room parties, or even just "hanging out". I clam up and don't know what to do with myself. It doesn't help that I'm a loner 40 years old introvert around a bunch of outgoing, socially active people in their 20's or even younger.
They like to say that conventions can be good for meeting new people but I've got so many blocks that keep me from introducing myself or opening up or anything. It doesn't help that conventions are also a great place to do things with friends and all my anxiety riddled mind sees is all the groups of people who already know each other doing their own thing having their own fun together. So not only do I feel like I have no way to start a conversation, but it makes me feel like if I DID try to say anything, I'd be butting in and interrupting whatever they're doing.
It also doesn't help that I've got other external bullshit I've been dealing with at the same time that has just kept building up greater and greater for MONTHS now. On today's PA podcast, Jerry Holkins was asked the following:
Question: "Are you happy?"
Jerry: "No. But I'm trying."
Beginning of the year, I'd probably say the same thing (if you could ACTUALLY get me to admit it out loud instead of just saying "eh"). But with all the shit that has been piling up from both internal and external sources and how FAST it's been hitting lately, I honestly don't think I could anymore. I REALLY wish I could keep trying but it's hard when all my mind lets me see is the years of failure to do anything beyond basic introductions.
Why the hell do I still go to conventions?
I'm always there by myself, alone, with SHITLOADS of social anxiety and other mental blocks. I honestly don't know what to do with myself for the span of time.
I mean I'm good for browsing through the dealer's area a couple times, sitting in for a few panels, and maybe wondering around in suit / costume for a bit. But I end up with a LOT of time left to fill.
But I can't really get myself to get into things like the raves, drinking at the bar / room parties, or even just "hanging out". I clam up and don't know what to do with myself. It doesn't help that I'm a loner 40 years old introvert around a bunch of outgoing, socially active people in their 20's or even younger.
They like to say that conventions can be good for meeting new people but I've got so many blocks that keep me from introducing myself or opening up or anything. It doesn't help that conventions are also a great place to do things with friends and all my anxiety riddled mind sees is all the groups of people who already know each other doing their own thing having their own fun together. So not only do I feel like I have no way to start a conversation, but it makes me feel like if I DID try to say anything, I'd be butting in and interrupting whatever they're doing.
What should I be doing?It also doesn't help that I've got other external bullshit I've been dealing with at the same time that has just kept building up greater and greater for MONTHS now. On today's PA podcast, Jerry Holkins was asked the following:
Question: "Are you happy?"
Jerry: "No. But I'm trying."
Beginning of the year, I'd probably say the same thing (if you could ACTUALLY get me to admit it out loud instead of just saying "eh"). But with all the shit that has been piling up from both internal and external sources and how FAST it's been hitting lately, I honestly don't think I could anymore. I REALLY wish I could keep trying but it's hard when all my mind lets me see is the years of failure to do anything beyond basic introductions.
2017 Conventions & Events
General | Posted 9 years agoSo I'm trying to look ahead at what I'm going to be doing this year.
Feb & March is AZ Ren Faire time. I'm trying to organize a run of Tucson furs (as well as whoever else wants to Voltron up with us) to go up on opening day. And considering previous years, I'm probably going to be going multiple times although suit vs non-suit is going to be very dependent upon weather (as well as if I feel like I'm overdoing it)
March 3-5 is also Wild Wild West Con 6 at Old Tucson Studios. I'm not really sure what I'm doing there this year. May just end up being more low key and not bother with the suit (I'm even wondering about much of my other gear)
Then May starts the crazy.
May 19-21 is Califur
May 25-28 is Phoenix Comic Con
June 1-4 is BLFC
So yeah, three consecutive conventions. It may actually be too much and I may back out of going to Califur. It could have even been 4 in a row if I also tried Gaslight Gathering the weekend before Califur.
Then not much else on my plate at this point for a while until November with Tucson Comicon early November and then Arizona Fur Con now happening Nov 17-19. I really want to try to host a panel at AFC on crafting props & gear with EVA foam. I also may even try figuring out the rest of the choreography on a dance routine for Foxy.
Feb & March is AZ Ren Faire time. I'm trying to organize a run of Tucson furs (as well as whoever else wants to Voltron up with us) to go up on opening day. And considering previous years, I'm probably going to be going multiple times although suit vs non-suit is going to be very dependent upon weather (as well as if I feel like I'm overdoing it)
March 3-5 is also Wild Wild West Con 6 at Old Tucson Studios. I'm not really sure what I'm doing there this year. May just end up being more low key and not bother with the suit (I'm even wondering about much of my other gear)
Then May starts the crazy.
May 19-21 is Califur
May 25-28 is Phoenix Comic Con
June 1-4 is BLFC
So yeah, three consecutive conventions. It may actually be too much and I may back out of going to Califur. It could have even been 4 in a row if I also tried Gaslight Gathering the weekend before Califur.
Then not much else on my plate at this point for a while until November with Tucson Comicon early November and then Arizona Fur Con now happening Nov 17-19. I really want to try to host a panel at AFC on crafting props & gear with EVA foam. I also may even try figuring out the rest of the choreography on a dance routine for Foxy.
2017 - "I don't know"
General | Posted 9 years agoSo this has been broiling around in my head for a while. I don't want this to turn into a vent post but I have a bad feeling it will.
So I'm not really sure how 2017 will go for me. I didn't exactly end 2016 on a great note. Basically I'm questioning just about everything about my life. I've become a bundle of anxiety and self doubt. I see things going on but self sabotage kicks in and my brain makes up ways to not take part.
I feel like a lot of that is from past failures. I just look back at what I've tried and I can't figure it out. If it's a small thing with just a few people, I get nervous, want to please and entertain everybody, but just clam up not wanting to somehow "screw up" which just means I'm not doing anything to warm people up to me (and possibly even pushing them away). At larger things, I feel like part of the "all the attention is on me" anxiety is lessened but now it's just me around a bunch of people who know each other better and they understandably do things with the people they already know instead of the random loaner who's trying to be a quiet wall flower.
I can't do bars and drinking. I've done concerts and dances, but that is even worse where I'm watching even more strangers who know each other and know what they're doing while I just try to hide in the background.
I'm even questioning conventions now. I go there and just kind of wander around by myself. If I see people I know, I'll converse with them for a bit but my anxieties and self sabotage kick in. I get self conscious and feel like I'm taking up their time and try to find some way to part ways instead of trying to join in. It gets where I'm more comfortable in costume where some random stranger has a 5 second interaction & picture with a character before moving on than trying to do something with people I actually know.
I've been on this downward spiral of always being alone for so long that I think I've long past the point of no return. All the previous self perceived failures just add fuel to my self sabotage that it is preventing me from doing more and more things as I just make more and more excuses.
I don't know.
So I'm not really sure how 2017 will go for me. I didn't exactly end 2016 on a great note. Basically I'm questioning just about everything about my life. I've become a bundle of anxiety and self doubt. I see things going on but self sabotage kicks in and my brain makes up ways to not take part.
I feel like a lot of that is from past failures. I just look back at what I've tried and I can't figure it out. If it's a small thing with just a few people, I get nervous, want to please and entertain everybody, but just clam up not wanting to somehow "screw up" which just means I'm not doing anything to warm people up to me (and possibly even pushing them away). At larger things, I feel like part of the "all the attention is on me" anxiety is lessened but now it's just me around a bunch of people who know each other better and they understandably do things with the people they already know instead of the random loaner who's trying to be a quiet wall flower.
I can't do bars and drinking. I've done concerts and dances, but that is even worse where I'm watching even more strangers who know each other and know what they're doing while I just try to hide in the background.
I'm even questioning conventions now. I go there and just kind of wander around by myself. If I see people I know, I'll converse with them for a bit but my anxieties and self sabotage kick in. I get self conscious and feel like I'm taking up their time and try to find some way to part ways instead of trying to join in. It gets where I'm more comfortable in costume where some random stranger has a 5 second interaction & picture with a character before moving on than trying to do something with people I actually know.
I've been on this downward spiral of always being alone for so long that I think I've long past the point of no return. All the previous self perceived failures just add fuel to my self sabotage that it is preventing me from doing more and more things as I just make more and more excuses.
I don't know.
Cosplay & Fursuit Facebook page - now with a nickname URL
General | Posted 9 years agoFor those who also do the Facebook stuff, a few weeks back I started up a "Fictional Character" Facebook page focusing on my prop building, cosplay, and furry stuff that is posted in a more public & open space. I've been a bit slow on putting stuff on it at the moment mainly because I started it AFTER Phoenix CC during a bit of a summer break from builds & events.
But I intend to have posts on works in progress and random things I do in addition to some of the bigger pre & post event postings. And any #fursuitfriday things will show up there too (Looking at what's going on tonight, I may have a fresh one to post)
Look for "Michael WulfBane" on facebook and instagram if you want to see more of my prop and cosplay build info and convention antics.
Update: I decided to go with @ WBProps for my facebook character page (long story why it won't let me use Michael.WulfBane as the nickname). You can find me at https://www.facebook.com/wbprops
But I intend to have posts on works in progress and random things I do in addition to some of the bigger pre & post event postings. And any #fursuitfriday things will show up there too (Looking at what's going on tonight, I may have a fresh one to post)
Look for "Michael WulfBane" on facebook and instagram if you want to see more of my prop and cosplay build info and convention antics.
Update: I decided to go with @ WBProps for my facebook character page (long story why it won't let me use Michael.WulfBane as the nickname). You can find me at https://www.facebook.com/wbprops
Men Vs Cosplay 2017 Calendar
General | Posted 9 years agoSo I've got some real cool news.
Back during a recent night photo shoot we did, I took WulfBane Eratta with his new Star Fox-esc bomber jacket & light up RIG. Friends of mine were trying to get me to submit him as an entry in the Men Vs Cosplay calendar, which was then just starting to accept submissions. I was hesitant since I was doing an original character that was just in an "inspired by" cosplay. But they said that it would be fine so I decided to give it a shot.
Well I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to say next, but I got confirmation that my submission as a "Cornerian Pilot" was accepted as one of the 300+ cosplayer in the 2017 calendar!
The Kickstarter for the Men Vs Cosplay 2017 calendar just started today and is at https://www.kickstarter.com/project.....ays-of-cosplay.
I got word about this a few weeks ago before BLFC and was aloud to talk about it back then, but I wanted to wait for the Kickstarter to go live to include the link. It's a 312 page-a-day calendar with a different cosplayer or cosplay group on each page. I don't know what day I'll appear on (they don't take requests due to the number of submissions).
Also they are still taking submissions until June 15th. So head on over to http://www.menvscosplay.com/ and give it a shot! It won't cost you anything and what's it gonna hurt to give it a try?
Back during a recent night photo shoot we did, I took WulfBane Eratta with his new Star Fox-esc bomber jacket & light up RIG. Friends of mine were trying to get me to submit him as an entry in the Men Vs Cosplay calendar, which was then just starting to accept submissions. I was hesitant since I was doing an original character that was just in an "inspired by" cosplay. But they said that it would be fine so I decided to give it a shot.
Well I'm sure you can guess what I'm going to say next, but I got confirmation that my submission as a "Cornerian Pilot" was accepted as one of the 300+ cosplayer in the 2017 calendar!
The Kickstarter for the Men Vs Cosplay 2017 calendar just started today and is at https://www.kickstarter.com/project.....ays-of-cosplay.
I got word about this a few weeks ago before BLFC and was aloud to talk about it back then, but I wanted to wait for the Kickstarter to go live to include the link. It's a 312 page-a-day calendar with a different cosplayer or cosplay group on each page. I don't know what day I'll appear on (they don't take requests due to the number of submissions).
Also they are still taking submissions until June 15th. So head on over to http://www.menvscosplay.com/ and give it a shot! It won't cost you anything and what's it gonna hurt to give it a try?
So this was something (video)
General | Posted 9 years agoOK so I got a cool thing I COULD announce that came from a night photo shoot we did not too long ago, but I want to wait for something else to be ready before I post that. Instead there was another thing that happened that day.
I'm in my WulfBane Errata gear giving my new amber visor it's first real test on how much it distorts my vision (thankfully it wasn't too bad except it did cause my brain to think the Cyrax I knew was wearing white armor). There's a bunch of us all milling about at a park pavilion with all sorts of genres & media represented. Dr Who, Star Trek, even a pair of Transformers. And then there was this one guy chatting among the group.
I didn't quite recognize him, but it's also a big group of cosplayers with new people joining. And even with my reduced vision, I can see he's wearing some sort of black outfit with patches on the arms & stuff, so he's got to be doing some sort of character who's in a uniform right? But then he asked for a request from me. "Can I get you to jump on me?"
So I jumped on him.
https://youtu.be/fwOEV_NFros
Let me back up a bit. When he asked, I'm thinking he's talking for during the photo shoot, he wanted me to so something like a piggy-back jump sort of move for the shot. But then he explains that he's a trained martial artist and is doing videos on youtube calling it "Jump On John." He's roaming the world, going to various landmarks and notable locations in the cities he visits, and asking people to jump on his stomach while he lies on the ground. He happened to see us all gathered and figured it would be something different to have various characters participate.
I only did a short 2 foot jump onto him because I didn't trust my ability to aim and land correctly w/ the reduced vision from the head & helmet. Our Indiana Jones and Starfleet Medical Officer did more impressive 4 foot jumps (and yes, he's working on turning his Eleventh Doctor into a Dr. Who/Star Trek mashup).
And while he did refer to me as Rocket Raccoon, don't bug him about changing it. When I do my stuff, I take a "yes and" approach to whatever people want to refer to the character as. So I'll respond to anybody who wants to call me Rocket, X-Wing pilot, Star Fox, whatever. It's only when they directly ask "so who are you" that I'll give the name/species.
I'm in my WulfBane Errata gear giving my new amber visor it's first real test on how much it distorts my vision (thankfully it wasn't too bad except it did cause my brain to think the Cyrax I knew was wearing white armor). There's a bunch of us all milling about at a park pavilion with all sorts of genres & media represented. Dr Who, Star Trek, even a pair of Transformers. And then there was this one guy chatting among the group.
I didn't quite recognize him, but it's also a big group of cosplayers with new people joining. And even with my reduced vision, I can see he's wearing some sort of black outfit with patches on the arms & stuff, so he's got to be doing some sort of character who's in a uniform right? But then he asked for a request from me. "Can I get you to jump on me?"
So I jumped on him.
https://youtu.be/fwOEV_NFros
Let me back up a bit. When he asked, I'm thinking he's talking for during the photo shoot, he wanted me to so something like a piggy-back jump sort of move for the shot. But then he explains that he's a trained martial artist and is doing videos on youtube calling it "Jump On John." He's roaming the world, going to various landmarks and notable locations in the cities he visits, and asking people to jump on his stomach while he lies on the ground. He happened to see us all gathered and figured it would be something different to have various characters participate.
I only did a short 2 foot jump onto him because I didn't trust my ability to aim and land correctly w/ the reduced vision from the head & helmet. Our Indiana Jones and Starfleet Medical Officer did more impressive 4 foot jumps (and yes, he's working on turning his Eleventh Doctor into a Dr. Who/Star Trek mashup).
And while he did refer to me as Rocket Raccoon, don't bug him about changing it. When I do my stuff, I take a "yes and" approach to whatever people want to refer to the character as. So I'll respond to anybody who wants to call me Rocket, X-Wing pilot, Star Fox, whatever. It's only when they directly ask "so who are you" that I'll give the name/species.
BLFC meme
General | Posted 9 years agoOh right. These things like all the cool kids do.
Convention Name:
Biggest little fur con
Website:
https://www.biggestlittlefurcon.org/
Transportation type:
Plane
Hotel you're staying at:
Grand Siera (con hotel)
Dates:
May 12 - 16
Rooming with:
Just me and my gear
Gender:
Dude
How tall are you:
6'1"
Description (out of suit):
Tall guy w/ very short brown hair & Van Dyke beard (kind of like this guy but less heroic)
Fursuit(s):
WulfBane in "casual" full suit form as well as WulfBane Errata's flight suit & helmet
Who will you be with a majority of the time:
Probably palling around with some of the Tucson & other AZ furs I know.
Are you cliquey:
Not really
Main purpose for attending:
Fursuiting, checking out the vendors & panels, and just all around general shenanigans
Parties:
Yeah, sure.
Daily activities:
I want to be sure to hit up the go-carts. WulfBane should be looking the part of a racecar driver in my helmet and jumpsuit.
Nightly Activities:
Playing it by ear. If anything, I'll probably be up for some fursuit bowling at least one of the evenings.
What time I usually go to bed and get up:
I can go late if stuff is happening. I'm usually up around 7 but also take my time with having breakfast and getting ready while out on vacation.
Do you talk out of suit:
Yeah, I can be sociable.
Do you talk in suit:
Oh, WulfBane can be a talker. The hard part is getting him to shut up!
Rules of engagement out of suit:
I guess mainly just don't be overly weird
Rules of engagements in suit:
Let's be like little Fonzies. And what's Fonzie like? Cool. He's cool.
Can I talk to you:
Sure
Can I tag along with you:
I mean I can be a bit more low key at times, so um... Eh?
Can I give you hugs or snuggles?
As someone said to me at Gaslight Gathering, "Furries give the best hugs!"
Can I dance with you:
I mean I can bop around to a beat, but it isn't like I have any "moves" or the like.
Can I take pictures with you:
Oh Yeah!
Can I buy you a drink:
I'll appreciate the offer, but I'll likely decline. Maybe just a beer if you really insist and I could use the break.
Can I buy you things:
I'll probably say no. While I'm flattered if someone wants to offer, I feel REALLY uncomfortable at actually accepting gifts.
Do you do free art?
That would imply I did art in the first place.
Are you taken? Are you looking for a 'mate'?
No. It's just me but I'm also kind of content with being just me.
Can I visit your room?
I tend to like keeping my room a quiet sanctuary to rest up and collect my thoughts in.
Are you nice?
Heck yeah.
Do you have an artist table?
no
Will you be performing?
No
Will you have a panel?
no
Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Yeah, I'm good with people who want to join me for meals and stuff. And maybe Voltronning up with cool people as we roam the con.
Can I draw in your sketchbook?
Oh yeah, I should totally pack my Monster Field Guide to capture wild sketches!
Best communication medium to reach you:
Facebook or text if I actually know you. Maybe I'll try to resume using my Twitter too ( WulfBane_023 )
Convention Name:
Biggest little fur con
Website:
https://www.biggestlittlefurcon.org/
Transportation type:
Plane
Hotel you're staying at:
Grand Siera (con hotel)
Dates:
May 12 - 16
Rooming with:
Just me and my gear
Gender:
Dude
How tall are you:
6'1"
Description (out of suit):
Tall guy w/ very short brown hair & Van Dyke beard (kind of like this guy but less heroic)
Fursuit(s):
WulfBane in "casual" full suit form as well as WulfBane Errata's flight suit & helmet
Who will you be with a majority of the time:
Probably palling around with some of the Tucson & other AZ furs I know.
Are you cliquey:
Not really
Main purpose for attending:
Fursuiting, checking out the vendors & panels, and just all around general shenanigans
Parties:
Yeah, sure.
Daily activities:
I want to be sure to hit up the go-carts. WulfBane should be looking the part of a racecar driver in my helmet and jumpsuit.
Nightly Activities:
Playing it by ear. If anything, I'll probably be up for some fursuit bowling at least one of the evenings.
What time I usually go to bed and get up:
I can go late if stuff is happening. I'm usually up around 7 but also take my time with having breakfast and getting ready while out on vacation.
Do you talk out of suit:
Yeah, I can be sociable.
Do you talk in suit:
Oh, WulfBane can be a talker. The hard part is getting him to shut up!
Rules of engagement out of suit:
I guess mainly just don't be overly weird
Rules of engagements in suit:
Let's be like little Fonzies. And what's Fonzie like? Cool. He's cool.
Can I talk to you:
Sure
Can I tag along with you:
I mean I can be a bit more low key at times, so um... Eh?
Can I give you hugs or snuggles?
As someone said to me at Gaslight Gathering, "Furries give the best hugs!"
Can I dance with you:
I mean I can bop around to a beat, but it isn't like I have any "moves" or the like.
Can I take pictures with you:
Oh Yeah!
Can I buy you a drink:
I'll appreciate the offer, but I'll likely decline. Maybe just a beer if you really insist and I could use the break.
Can I buy you things:
I'll probably say no. While I'm flattered if someone wants to offer, I feel REALLY uncomfortable at actually accepting gifts.
Do you do free art?
That would imply I did art in the first place.
Are you taken? Are you looking for a 'mate'?
No. It's just me but I'm also kind of content with being just me.
Can I visit your room?
I tend to like keeping my room a quiet sanctuary to rest up and collect my thoughts in.
Are you nice?
Heck yeah.
Do you have an artist table?
no
Will you be performing?
No
Will you have a panel?
no
Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Yeah, I'm good with people who want to join me for meals and stuff. And maybe Voltronning up with cool people as we roam the con.
Can I draw in your sketchbook?
Oh yeah, I should totally pack my Monster Field Guide to capture wild sketches!
Best communication medium to reach you:
Facebook or text if I actually know you. Maybe I'll try to resume using my Twitter too ( WulfBane_023 )
Hey WulfBane! Stop thinking you're a Mary Sue!
General | Posted 9 years agoTo preface this post, I recognize that I probably have some form of self doubt and anxiety. But typing something out about them ever now and then seems to help. It's kind of like writing an open letter to myself. So yeah, this I'm writing mainly for myself. I'll put up a pre-BLFC thing probably some time next week.
Anyways... I was typing up a whole overly-long preamble that was taking too much time trying to set a stage without getting to what I really mean to express and get out of my head. But that doesn't help me and I just want to jump right in.
So I love playing & portraying WulfBane in the many forms I've come up with. I've built up a collection of gear I wear and use to flesh out his different looks. And I have general ideas for WulfBane's backstory to help with how I act when people and furs interact with WulfBane. But one thing I keep getting hung up on is I keep kicking WulfBane down preventing me from coming up with stories where he actually did cool things.
My Steampunk "Colonel WulfBane" is the most fleshed out version, but I still kicked him down a few notches. Even his "Colonel" title is just that where he earned that as a title of honor bestowed upon him and not the military rank. The thing that I keep getting stuck on is a fear of WulfBane becoming a Mary Sue character. How the hell can I be a Mary Sue within MY OWN fiction?
I think it's related to some of the Imposter Syndrome anxieties I get as well as other things. One thing I recognize in myself is I have a fear that I'm going to do things that draw attention away from someone else. So I end up either just falling back into a passive role and not do anything or even find some excuse to duck away so I'm not (in my mind) impeding on the things they really want to be doing and stuff. I know in the back of my mind that I got to stop hamstringing myself like that, but I don't know.
And I think it's even more ridiculous that I can't even let a fictional version of WulfBane be cool for fear that it will make him look like I'm making him a wish-fulfillment character. Ren Faire WulfBane? He's not a knight, no just another Lupin guard. Cool idea where Steampunk WulfBane has a close connection to who/what took his arm and gave him his scars? I can't let that happen because that could make him look too good. Hell, I knowingly have added Star Fox inspired features to WulfBane's flight suit & gear but I felt bad when I had them say WulfBane was the newest Star Fox memeber in my quick intro for the Con-Nichiwa costume contest and keep wanting to think of him as "just another Cornerian fighter pilot" when I bop around in that gear. (Hell, I just bought a silver bomber jacket to go with that look and want to customize it SPECIFICALLY to look like a Star Fox Team jacket)
It even keeps me from coming up with ideas when I see artists are opening commissions. I don't know. I just got to get over it. And to be honest, it feels like the best solution is to start doing more character work with WulfBane. It really only helps with the fictional version of a fictional character, but it's probably still a good step to take.
Anyways... I was typing up a whole overly-long preamble that was taking too much time trying to set a stage without getting to what I really mean to express and get out of my head. But that doesn't help me and I just want to jump right in.
So I love playing & portraying WulfBane in the many forms I've come up with. I've built up a collection of gear I wear and use to flesh out his different looks. And I have general ideas for WulfBane's backstory to help with how I act when people and furs interact with WulfBane. But one thing I keep getting hung up on is I keep kicking WulfBane down preventing me from coming up with stories where he actually did cool things.
My Steampunk "Colonel WulfBane" is the most fleshed out version, but I still kicked him down a few notches. Even his "Colonel" title is just that where he earned that as a title of honor bestowed upon him and not the military rank. The thing that I keep getting stuck on is a fear of WulfBane becoming a Mary Sue character. How the hell can I be a Mary Sue within MY OWN fiction?
I think it's related to some of the Imposter Syndrome anxieties I get as well as other things. One thing I recognize in myself is I have a fear that I'm going to do things that draw attention away from someone else. So I end up either just falling back into a passive role and not do anything or even find some excuse to duck away so I'm not (in my mind) impeding on the things they really want to be doing and stuff. I know in the back of my mind that I got to stop hamstringing myself like that, but I don't know.
And I think it's even more ridiculous that I can't even let a fictional version of WulfBane be cool for fear that it will make him look like I'm making him a wish-fulfillment character. Ren Faire WulfBane? He's not a knight, no just another Lupin guard. Cool idea where Steampunk WulfBane has a close connection to who/what took his arm and gave him his scars? I can't let that happen because that could make him look too good. Hell, I knowingly have added Star Fox inspired features to WulfBane's flight suit & gear but I felt bad when I had them say WulfBane was the newest Star Fox memeber in my quick intro for the Con-Nichiwa costume contest and keep wanting to think of him as "just another Cornerian fighter pilot" when I bop around in that gear. (Hell, I just bought a silver bomber jacket to go with that look and want to customize it SPECIFICALLY to look like a Star Fox Team jacket)
It even keeps me from coming up with ideas when I see artists are opening commissions. I don't know. I just got to get over it. And to be honest, it feels like the best solution is to start doing more character work with WulfBane. It really only helps with the fictional version of a fictional character, but it's probably still a good step to take.
Porky Pigging It?
General | Posted 10 years ago(Title based on this PvP comic)
So I have a totally weird hang up I'm trying to get over. Well, I'm sure I have a few but this is about a very specific one.
When I first built my WulfBane suit, it was specifically to be the werewolf form of my Steampunk character. The thing is I have a bit of a modesty issue, so as a "civilized were" I also made red "werewolf pants" for WulfBane to wear. It was kind of required for that first version though because WulfBane's legs were a separate piece from his torso and I would use the pants to hide that.
But now I have a single piece body suit. It took me a bit but I did eventually muster up enough guts to go out suiting as a "naked" WulfBane when going out as kind of a generic look. But the cosplayer in me likes it even more to come up with and have a costume for WulfBane to wear, especially when it plays into the theme of an event. That's where things like the Steampunk and Ren Faire versions of WulfBane come in.
But the thing is, I still end up putting pants back on WulfBane. I kind of feel like I need to get over pants being required for when WulfBane does cosplay and turn it into more of an optional thing. I mean, the way I took the full suit WulfBane to the Ren Faire, it did feel cartoon character appropriate to include pants since I also wore my toe boots and had my sword harness & shield but no doublet or vest or anything as a top.
But what I'm trying to build the courage up for is to go "Porky Pigging it" with vest but no pants. I think it would be more comfortable and I wouldn't have to worry about a sweaty butt getting my suit all matted and smooshed when sitting.
So yeah, this is mainly a post where I'm typing this all out to try to psych myself up. This weekend is Wild West Con at Old Tucson Studios, and while I'm going to be doing the human form of Col. WulfBane on Friday, Saturday is going to have "were-WulfBane" out and about including being up on stage for the Steampunk Fassion Show.
And hopefully I can sing along proudly to this while I'm out there.
https://youtu.be/ZSF0RK8g7HY
So I have a totally weird hang up I'm trying to get over. Well, I'm sure I have a few but this is about a very specific one.
When I first built my WulfBane suit, it was specifically to be the werewolf form of my Steampunk character. The thing is I have a bit of a modesty issue, so as a "civilized were" I also made red "werewolf pants" for WulfBane to wear. It was kind of required for that first version though because WulfBane's legs were a separate piece from his torso and I would use the pants to hide that.
But now I have a single piece body suit. It took me a bit but I did eventually muster up enough guts to go out suiting as a "naked" WulfBane when going out as kind of a generic look. But the cosplayer in me likes it even more to come up with and have a costume for WulfBane to wear, especially when it plays into the theme of an event. That's where things like the Steampunk and Ren Faire versions of WulfBane come in.
But the thing is, I still end up putting pants back on WulfBane. I kind of feel like I need to get over pants being required for when WulfBane does cosplay and turn it into more of an optional thing. I mean, the way I took the full suit WulfBane to the Ren Faire, it did feel cartoon character appropriate to include pants since I also wore my toe boots and had my sword harness & shield but no doublet or vest or anything as a top.
But what I'm trying to build the courage up for is to go "Porky Pigging it" with vest but no pants. I think it would be more comfortable and I wouldn't have to worry about a sweaty butt getting my suit all matted and smooshed when sitting.
So yeah, this is mainly a post where I'm typing this all out to try to psych myself up. This weekend is Wild West Con at Old Tucson Studios, and while I'm going to be doing the human form of Col. WulfBane on Friday, Saturday is going to have "were-WulfBane" out and about including being up on stage for the Steampunk Fassion Show.
And hopefully I can sing along proudly to this while I'm out there.
https://youtu.be/ZSF0RK8g7HY
Looking back on 2015 - The Year of the Fox(y)
General | Posted 10 years agoSo I had some ideas on what I wanted to do this year with costuming. Mainly, it was to improve and expand upon my WulfBane stuff. And I did get some of that with Colonel WulfBane at Wild West Con in March and even took a few different configurations to the AZ Ren Faire in Feb & March.
But then there was that pesky "Wulfy" character. Conceived as a FNAF version of WulfBane and born when I simply wanted to practice some build techniques I intended to use on later projects. He looked crude since he was more a learning build, but it also worked well with the intent of the character. The problem was I was I would tend to wear Wulfy more often than my main WulfBane stuff for various reasons. But with all the "I think that's Foxy, or maybe Freddy? I'm not quite sure" he would get and the things I had learned from the Wulfy build as well as a few other projects, I decided to put the WulfBane upgrades on a temporary hold for a different challenge.
I wanted to make a proper Foxy the Pirate.
So I did. Working ear & eye patch servos, MUCH better looking eyes (totally by accident), and upgraded arduino wiring system. This was actually the first character costume since my Warcraft 3 Shaman in 2004 I built where I was attempting a faithful recreation of an existing character instead of an "inspired by" personal variation or original character. I actually laugh at all the searching I was doing trying to get all the proper reference pictures to highlight the details I was recreating (he has 5 freckles on each side of his snout and the eye patch strap only runs from his right ear to the space between the eyes).
And then I took Foxy to conventions and people just fell in LOVE with him. I already had some experience from taking Wulfy to Fan Fest last year, but the recognition level on the new Foxy made it even bigger. And with all the extra animation features (as well as how I was playing Foxy inside the suit), I felt I was able to stand out from other FNAF cosplayers.
I got to do lots of fun things with Foxy. At Califur, I sat behind people as they were playing FNAF, lightly taunting them and saying I was going to tell on them for all the not nice things they were saying about the characters. A kid at AFC gave Foxy a little drawing they made of Foxy as a gift. And when I dressed Foxy up for Christmas time at Fan Fest (which also marked the 1 year anniversary of my debut of "Wulfy"), I got to chase "Fear" from Inside Out. I even entered a few masquerades & costume contests and had such great results that I honestly don't know what I could do for a follow-up next year.
But with all the time I spent with Foxy, WulfBane was kind of being neglected. I did build his new and improved DVC head and mask in June and a proper single piece body suit (minus the left arm) in September. And while I did do some convention outings with new updated WulfBane suit, Foxy still was often ending up as the "Main Suit" for me.
But yeah, 2015 turned out to be an awesome year for me with Foxy. But I want 2016 to be WulfBane's big year. I just did a few more adjustments to the look of his suit and I'm looking forward to finding new things for WulfBane to get into. I know I want to spend some time in suit during the Steampunk Fashion Show at Wild West Con and I'm hoping to not only help rally up a group of furs to head up to the AZ Ren Faire, but to also help gear some of them up.
I'm not saying that Foxy is completely done for 2016 (I do have some evil ideas of taking Foxy up for Pirate Weekend at the AZ Ren Faire). I just want to get back to focusing on my true character of WulfBane.
But then there was that pesky "Wulfy" character. Conceived as a FNAF version of WulfBane and born when I simply wanted to practice some build techniques I intended to use on later projects. He looked crude since he was more a learning build, but it also worked well with the intent of the character. The problem was I was I would tend to wear Wulfy more often than my main WulfBane stuff for various reasons. But with all the "I think that's Foxy, or maybe Freddy? I'm not quite sure" he would get and the things I had learned from the Wulfy build as well as a few other projects, I decided to put the WulfBane upgrades on a temporary hold for a different challenge.
I wanted to make a proper Foxy the Pirate.
So I did. Working ear & eye patch servos, MUCH better looking eyes (totally by accident), and upgraded arduino wiring system. This was actually the first character costume since my Warcraft 3 Shaman in 2004 I built where I was attempting a faithful recreation of an existing character instead of an "inspired by" personal variation or original character. I actually laugh at all the searching I was doing trying to get all the proper reference pictures to highlight the details I was recreating (he has 5 freckles on each side of his snout and the eye patch strap only runs from his right ear to the space between the eyes).
And then I took Foxy to conventions and people just fell in LOVE with him. I already had some experience from taking Wulfy to Fan Fest last year, but the recognition level on the new Foxy made it even bigger. And with all the extra animation features (as well as how I was playing Foxy inside the suit), I felt I was able to stand out from other FNAF cosplayers.
I got to do lots of fun things with Foxy. At Califur, I sat behind people as they were playing FNAF, lightly taunting them and saying I was going to tell on them for all the not nice things they were saying about the characters. A kid at AFC gave Foxy a little drawing they made of Foxy as a gift. And when I dressed Foxy up for Christmas time at Fan Fest (which also marked the 1 year anniversary of my debut of "Wulfy"), I got to chase "Fear" from Inside Out. I even entered a few masquerades & costume contests and had such great results that I honestly don't know what I could do for a follow-up next year.
But with all the time I spent with Foxy, WulfBane was kind of being neglected. I did build his new and improved DVC head and mask in June and a proper single piece body suit (minus the left arm) in September. And while I did do some convention outings with new updated WulfBane suit, Foxy still was often ending up as the "Main Suit" for me.
But yeah, 2015 turned out to be an awesome year for me with Foxy. But I want 2016 to be WulfBane's big year. I just did a few more adjustments to the look of his suit and I'm looking forward to finding new things for WulfBane to get into. I know I want to spend some time in suit during the Steampunk Fashion Show at Wild West Con and I'm hoping to not only help rally up a group of furs to head up to the AZ Ren Faire, but to also help gear some of them up.
I'm not saying that Foxy is completely done for 2016 (I do have some evil ideas of taking Foxy up for Pirate Weekend at the AZ Ren Faire). I just want to get back to focusing on my true character of WulfBane.
