I have decided to stream league today. Please watch me suck because you have nothing better to do.

http://www.twitch.tv/xcetrathewusky

I'm debating opening commissions for my spray art paintings. They would be 22x28 canvas in similar style to the ones linked below. I'd be looking for about 15-25 depending on complexity plus shipping (whatever that would be). I would only open a couple of slots at a time and moreso want to gauge interest. Being new to the medium I'm mostly looking to practice on a more professional level and see what happens.

Interested parties can shoot me a pm or comment below.

Examples of my work can be found here:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13876091/

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13864354/

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13596763/

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13941430/

Arrival and Departure:
Leaving Friday morning so we'll be there around noonish

Staying at:
main hotel

Mode of Transportation:
Driving my toaster car

Room Share:
 Satoshi & Drgn

Major Plans at the Con:
I'm running a poi panel

Who Will I be with:
The usual people...Drgn..durr...  BradRoo & co.

Fursuit(s):
I wish

Attending Parties:
I have no fucking clue :/

How best to find me:
Look for the homo

Stage Performance:
I'm running a mainstage panel

Drink:
How else can I suffer the masses?

Smoke:
Nah

Hugs:
Meh

Talk:
Totes

Doing Art:
I may submit somehing to the art show

What is your gender?
man beast

How old are you?
23

Can I touch you?
Meh

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
Yes

How tall are you?
5' 11"

You look pissed off out of suit can I come up to you?
Meh

Are you nice?
Totes

Are you cliquey?
Nope

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
The waves

Can I ask you to dance with me during the dances?
Eh.

Can I buy breakfast, lunch, or dinner sometime?
Breakfast is the shit

Can I take a picture of you?
sure

Would ya like to get a commission done of ya?
Mayvbe.

A friend of mine is doing BLFC 80s themed badges! Check her out!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12889695/

My application to run a beginner poi spinning panel has been approved. So yeah...

...See you all at BLFC. I'll have more info when I get it.

Busted the hardrive...

In other news I'm back to running the local fur group as the original owner is moving.

Finals are basically over as chem was myonly worry class...

I need a break...

Computer's in the shop for screen repair. Too much LoL raging...lol jk...

Won't be back for a couple of weeks.

Got tired of keeping track of everyone that has ACNL. Made a facebook page. Please spread the word and lets turn this into the best ACNL social networking tool possible

https://www.facebook.com/groups/TurnANewLeaf/

So thanks to a couple I met at the event, I was allowed to spin fire for the first time. It was an amazing experience :D

I wish I'd done more tricks and stuff but it was a little intimidating having never used the poi set before....that and you know...fire...lol...

All in all I had a great weekend. I'm so glad I went out. :D

You can find my video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLOWBcC-7uQ

Maybe the point of everything that happened over the weekend was set to distract me from remembering the year anniversary of my move back to Bakersfield.

Last May, on the 19th, I had to leave and entire life behind to board a plane because it was 'the right thing to do' given the situation I was in.

I don't mean to, but I hold a lot of resentment and anger over the whole decision. I still regret not trying harder to stay on the course I wanted to follow on my own even though the responsible part of me gets that this was probably for the best.

So here I am one year later. I have a good job that is promoting me quickly into a position I actually love to work in. I'm one whole year into college and even though I'm a little behind, I'm still within the realm of possibly moving back next year. I have a boyfriend and roomates and multiple social circles. I've discovered a hobby that's so incorporated into my daily life that its hard to imagine not doing it ever again. I've stumbled into making it work.

I don't like being here and I'm not completely happy with the decision. I miss a lot of people and I miss them daily. I miss the rain and the cold and the lake and my daily haunts. But I know I'll be back, I know this is only temporary and I use that everyday to push myself to completing what I set out here do.

It's been a rough year. Here's hoping now is the downhill.

I go out to spin poi at an EDM night downtown and I come back to my passenger side window being smashed in, my center dash completely destroyed to get at my stereo and my glove box with all my car paperwork gone. They even took the knobs to my AC. :/

I wanted to explode...

It's just like come the fuck on. I'm a poor ass college student pulling work and school full time. I don't have time or the money to deal with this kinda shit :/ And it's so VIOLATING. Why do people feel the need to do that kinda shit?

Ugh...

Who's getting it? I need people to have adventures with. I'm so excited...

Also I'll be getting the digital copy because animal crossing has always been a game I ALWAYS want with me at all times.

Add my friend code: 3695-0033-3829

I'm hurr :D

I'll be attending BLFC in Reno this weekend. If you're interested in hanging out, hit me up! :D

I look forward to spinning all the poi on the dancefloor <,<

The point was never to get him to go away; it was to show him that he was important.

I find myself thinking about you again where I have one of those mental pictures where you just stand there as I tear into you with everything I've kept to myself this whole time. In my head it hurts you too and in my imagination you finally understand what you did.

I can't even decide if you deserve the time anymore and even though I'm moving forward and finding way after way to keep you from distracting me, like a cancer you never really go away.

This is what I have to carry. This is the memento you've given me.

It's been a pretty crazy couple of weeks.

I just got my laptop back today. I had to send it in for servicing and got it back this morning after about a week. Now that it's back I have no clue what to use it for...funny how that works...

In other news, my first semester of college is winding down. Last week I registered for next semester, solidifying that I will not be returning to WA any time soon. More on that later I guess. I have all my assignments for the rest of the semester across all my classes finished. My final for my health class will be taken tonight and next thursday will finish off my sexuality course. So far I have the highest grade in my sexuality class and am really close to the same in health if not already there.

There's talk of me moving in with some new people. This opens up a lot of things that I've really been missing from my life lately like a social environment similar to the one I've lost that makes me feel happy and more like my age. Nothing is for sure yet and I don't expect my parents to take the idea very well, but I'm tired of living at home with my parents in my room all alone. I miss having people to hang with that are interested in the same things I am and are open to going out and doing things with me like I want to. I think it's a really healthy and positive move on my part if I choose to go through with it

I won't be coming to WA next month like I was originally planning. This doesn't really affect much as the whole purpose was to visit my ex and talk about shit but apparently that was a stupid thought to have in the first place. After a personally frustrating conversation and some off hand events on the subject I decided to give up my plane ticket. To keep me from changing my mind, I went ahead and spent the money on something else.

I currently have no plans to return to WA before the end of next year. There's just not really any reason to strain myself financially and time wise with school and work anymore. I still atm plan to return in the long term to continue college because I miss my friends and the area. But not having a romantic connection with the state anymore forces me to think more practically...

In regards to conventions, my original plans were to go to FC 2013 if I wasn't going to WA. I don't know if at this time I will be making the con at all. Financially, the con will be difficult to manage and even though I've been heavily loking forward to it for a very long time, I just don't know if I'll be following through. There was mild talk about skipped FC and instead planning a trip to RF 2013 next fall, but that's almost a year away and I have no clue what will change in those regards. It will depend alot on planning and if I feel emotionally that it's a good move to make for myself.

Some people have picked up through the grapevine that I'm no longer single. This is true. Over the past few months, a friend of mine has been working on trying to win me over but I've constantly turned him down over and over on the grounds that I'm still too attached to my ex. After recent conversations, events and a lot of personal thought, I've come to the conclusion that I can't keep putting my life off for someone that doesn't want me anymore and more than likely never will. I have to start learning to move on to do that I can't keep isolating myself from people. It's been an unhealthy time for me since the breakup as I've constantly let my ex subconsciously dictate every move I make in regards to who I keep around me and how I handle them and my surroundings. It doesn't mean I'm over my ex. It doesn't mean I don't love him. What it means is I'm finally pushing myself to face facts and in doing so am working really hard to keep pushing myself forward. You don't stop loving certain people. You teach yourself to keep that love from hurting you and interfering with what you need to get done. This is how I'm finally choosing to move on for myself.

Dale's a nice guy. He has a stable, upper tier job and comes across as caring for me both in his actions and how he handles stuff around me. I like him too and most importantly he understands how rough shit's been for me lately and is willing to work WITH me without guilt tripping me or stripping things out of my life :/

I'm trying really hard to get my life moving again. I'm learning to roll with things and just see where they go. Hopefully something good comes out of all of this. I'm just tired of going down the track I was on where I kept myself in limbo waiting for things to happen that just weren't possible.

Hopefully you can get where I'm coming from.

I finally decided to pull my trip to visit my ex and decided to solidify the decision by spending the money on something...so I decided to fan boy and bought myself a wii u console.

For those of my friends with wii u consoles please feel free to add my Nintendo ID xCetraTheWusky. Then respond here that you have done so and list YOUR Nintendo ID so I can finish the add process.

I look forward to seeing you all :D

So I have officially picked up tarot card reading as a side hobby. As practice I will be offering up free random day spreads. Nothing exciting, just a simple 'How will my morning/afternoon/night go?' and maybe a 4th card for 'How will my day be on the whole?'.

If you're interested just lemme know. Tips if given are appreciated. Tell your friends.

It's been a long weekend...

My birthday was monday. My gift from my ex got here thursday. Guess he sent me back the tags I made for us over 4 years ago. I didn't really know how to take that. So I asked him a bunch of personal questions about what I meant to him and junk to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. Turns out he just blows up and shuts me down. My fault for being stupid...

I've spent the last year and a half hinging everything I do on how my ex will react to it. I've given him attention, I've picked hanging with him over prior plans. I've even shelved a ton of people that wanted to date me that maybe could've made the break up a thousand times easier on me. I could've moved in with my best friends but instead I chose to land myself in Bakersfield on the off chance that my ex would be the one to ask me not to go. Just about everyone BUT my ex asked me not to go :/.

The last 6 months have been so hard. I've missed everyone: my friends, my job, my ex and his family. I tried so hard to get up to see everyone for con, and when I couldn't, it was my ex that offered to help me pay for a plane ticket to visit. He actually acted like he was trying to be nice to me and made me feel like he actually wanted me for something...

Then it turns out he's been dating and shit and doesn't want anything to do with me...I feel played :/

But what else is new...

Today, I have to drag myself out of bed and start packing boxes. He doesn't want me? Then I have to do everything in my power to convince myself that I don't want him. If I have to constantly chant to myself that he doesnt give two fucks and teaching myself to hate his existence is the only way to move on, then that's what I have to do I guess...

It's been over a year and a half...I haven't even really been living. I can't sit here in limbo for the rest of my life blowing things off while I wait for someone that doesn't even want me around. And it hurts so bad...so much reminds me of him...The blanket I sleep in was the one we used to sleep in, the throw at the foot of my bed was the first valentines day present he ever got me...my winter jacket was my christmas present two years ago cuz its a carhart like his, I don't even like contact jugling anymore. He bought me my first acrylic and even though I dropped it once, since then I've taken super good care of it. I still sleep in the hoodie he gave me, and have the shirt and shorts he used to let me sleep in.
The journal he got me when we got back together the first time after the break up is still in the drawer of my night stand and in it is all our pictures, the receipts from our first date and the stubs to that first visit up to see him. I only wrote one entry in the journal, I intended to pick it back up if we ever got together.

I still carry his picture in my wallet.

Today I have to figure out how to put it all away. I can't keep hanging on like this because it's emotionally wearing. So many people have been trying to tell me that this whole time and I keep throwing down reasoning and make up excuses for my ex's behavior. But I'm tired...and he doesn't want me anyways.


Sadly I won't be visiting my friends in WA for a while. I'm having my parents pull my plane ticket and will instead use the money elsewhere. The timing isn't good to be up there right now.

There's this guy that really like me down here that I keep trying to friend zone because I don't feel ready for a relationship. I'm still not ready for a relationship, and he gets that, but my ex has supposedly been dating this whole time, whereas everytime someone has tried getting into anything with me, I freeze up a couple weeks or so into it start distancing myself. Maybe I should stop it and see where this one goes. :/

I still can't hate him. I still can't see me hating him. Even after this weekend I still see myself giving him a million more chances to fuck up if he really wanted to. But I can't do this anymore. He doesn't want me, he doesn't care about me and I'm not even on his mind anymore. However true any of that is, it's what I have to keep telling myself.

I'm done :/

I'd do anything to get the last year of my life back even if it ultimately wouldn't solve anything. I just miss him so bad :/ #homesickdog

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. Then a day goes by without him and I wonder how he can go without thinking about me too :/

It's really hard going day in day out wanting nothing more than to sell all my junk, drop out of college, quit my job and move back to WA. I miss my old job. I miss having money to support myself. I miss my ex. I miss his family. I miss my room. I miss the weather and my hobbies and my friends.

I can't even function a day without thinking about it all and it's so suffocating.

I have a car. I have a free place to stay and ultimately I have paid for Any of my schooling out of pocket yet. I have what a lot of people would really like to have. I have game systems and my own computer. i have a hobby i work hard at that i REALLY enjoy. I have friends I enjoy having around and a guy that likes me enough to stick around after telling him I'm not currently interested.

And I'm STILL not happy. i am soooo tired of STILL not being happy.

What's the point in living when all you're really doing is existing anyways?

Because it's like my only source of 100% positive feels and general good stuff...and sometimes dicks...but only other people dicks that are generally too outrageous not to reblog...like forearm guy...

Anyways yeh...


http://xcetrathewusky.tumblr.com/

Friend codes at the ready! D:<

It's true...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1_l.....p;feature=plcp

Now add me on tumblr...

http://xcetrathewusky.tumblr.com/po.....ely-lifes-been