I haven’t written a journal in a long time. Only recently did I get the motivation to create a new entry. One of my friends reminded me of my older journals after commenting on how he used to read them. And, after deciding to give it another go, do I remember how that wasn’t the easiest thing to do. Coming up with an interesting topic to talk about isn’t exactly a breeze. Especially since there aren’t many things in my life that could be of someone’s interest or attention. At least in my opinion. However, there are a lot of things that do cross my mind that might be interesting to discuss or share with others. Although mature (by mature I don’t mean adult, rather complex and of deeper meaning to me), still something worth sharing and maybe catching someone’s attention with it. I know that FurAffinity isn’t exactly the best place to post such content since I feel the audience here isn’t interested in reading such stuff. Nor is the general feel of FurAffinity such that it can be a suitable place for journaling heavier topics. However, I’ve seen people post such content here, either to vent or to find one lost voyager seeking refuge in other people’s words, trying to escape the harsh reality they have to live in. If I find this documentation of my thoughts to be interesting or even a nice way of systematically putting down meaning and assigning value to my worldview, I might consider continuing these journals on other platforms. For now, though, I’m fine with FurAffinity.

Recently I’ve been experiencing similar feelings that I’ve had during my conversion. When I first discovered I wasn’t straight. Back then I used to romanticize how would perfect love be and I just couldn’t fit a woman in that picture. An image of a boy (no, not an underaged one) would always appear whenever I imagined myself in someone’s arms, enjoying the moment with them. The same is somewhat happening now. And that, in a way, fills me with a rather nostalgic and melancholic, yet peaceful feeling, almost similar to how a good song that is close to your heart feels whenever you hear it out of nowhere after a long time. That welcoming ache in your chest full of pride, almost as if that song speaks of who you are, puts me on a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts all tied to previous media I consumed where I found the very thing I wish to have in my life too.

I already discussed the topic of a perfect love life with a friend of mine. While we stayed brief, I found that topic to be profound and that there is more to something than meets the eye. Albeit complex, I find it hard to manifest through words and, when I already do, they quickly dissipate. Almost as if that topic isn’t meant for us, moral beings, to capture and observe it in vitro. And while one might disagree with that statement, a careful reader might notice the purposeful use of the term “perfect” to describe this very heavy topic. One must understand the idealistic demeanor of that term and the consequences it has to the general context in which this topic shall be discussed. One must also be familiar that the ideal cannot be met with our expectations of reality, concluded after millennia of human trial and error to establish its foundation outside the prison we call our minds. Ergo, there isn’t much for us to discuss on the realization of this matter. However, it is of utmost importance to radicalize the means of our thought patterns towards only the perfect kind of love through a systematic and careful approach – whether that be by reading a good romance novel or spending hours inking a perfectly white piece of paper with disconnected, yet logically bound sentences.

What comes to mind when asked about perfect love is a reflection of one’s meaning of that phrase. I imagine a vast grassy hill at the very edge of a mountainside, touching the golden rays of the sun. The hill expands into a massive valley, rich in rivers and forests. There, on that hill, awaits me the one to whom I chose to offer my full self. The one who knows all my cracks and ridges. The one who knows all my brilliance. And the one who chooses to only deepen the well of my youth and might; the one for whom I’m willing to do the same. The only person who I’d look into their eyes and ponder about the depth of that sight that their eyes are laying on me. The only sight that would touch my soul, reaching from within to reach out and grab it. Finding peace and meaning in life once collided. I imagine us laughing, running around only to lie down and watch the sky roll over us. I find that, at that point, with them, even the most mundane activity feels rich in passion and purpose. And I simply would not get tired of it. I imagine us, two college boys, combating the world, discovering ourselves, and falling back, at the end of the day, onto our bed, arms around each other, reminding ourselves of why we are meant for each other. It would simply be pure. The image of a road trip through the countryside of Europe by car, a lonely village house far away from society's grasp, a quiet fishing trip, or a spot in tall grass with lovers, regardless of what kind and count, is what too comes to mind when I imagine “perfect love”. All are tinted with a shade of orange or purple making it seem as if I’m viewing it from an old photo or watching an old movie.
Not to confuse perfect love with true love. True love, in essence, is flawed. And its flaw is that it exists. Albeit rare, it’s a sight many want to behold. In the words of François de La Rochefoucauld: “True love is like a ghost, which everyone talks about and few have seen”. However, unlike its promising counterpart, true love devastates. It strikes twice: first, it steals your heart, then it returns it shattered, and you shall not find a replacement for your heartaches.

So what does that image say about my viewing of “perfect love”? I’m assuming it means breaking free from society. Experiencing the other end of living, free from norms and standards. I conclude that living in a harsh environment for young gay men I only want the best out of life by distancing myself from that environment. And I know nature doth harm nor judge its creation. That image provokes me and makes me wistful of the days when I daydreamt of such a thing. These times weren’t easy. I felt lost and evermore confused day by day. Yet, amongst all these confusions and tears shed, I found beauty in it. A sense of peace. Like that very struggle was a shade under the trees of my own. I belonged there and wouldn’t want anyone taking my spot. Not much that I don’t want others to experience the terrors of their self-doubt, but because being unique in those struggles kept me wanting to find a way out. And I have. And I’m thankful for that.

What's the craziest dream you ever had? Was it scary? Was it hot? Disturbing, random, illogical...?

I had a couple of, at least to me, crazy dreams over the years. Some are crazier than others. However, one stuck to me in particular and I doubt I'll forget about it soon. While this dream doesn't seem as bad as it did before, it's still surprising I dreamt it. Just thought it'd be interesting to write it down and share it since it's related to the fandom in some way. Although I have to warn you, the depiction might be disturbing and rather unsettling for some since it features gore and sex.

So I dreamt of a clearing in a forest. On that clearing, there was a bigger house that only had one floor and one room. The whole place was also rendered to resemble the same vibe as "Salad Fingers" on YouTube. In that dream, I was some sort of a spectator who was viewing the whole scene from above such that the house was in the middle of my vision. The house was also cut open from above. Similar to how some textbooks might cut open a graphical representation of a house so a viewer could see the interior of the house while also seeing the exterior partially. In the house, there were four beings present. Two of them were, as I remember correctly, horses, one was a goat and the other a bull. All four were male and anthropomorphic. The house also had two wooden benches placed next to two opposite-facing walls on each side of the house, one wall facing to my right and the other to my left. On the left bench, that male goat was getting a blowjob from one of the two horses. On the other bench, the bull was penetrating the other horse. As the four guys were having fun with each other, in came a feral-looking male sheep through the front and only entrance of the house. Once it came in, the atmosphere suddenly changed. From a more sexual and relaxed nature to a more ominous one. As if the sheep itself was some sort of a threat and it was hated by all the other four present. Once it entered, the sheep went to my left side, so to the goat and the horse, and demanded to penetrate the horse. Without resistance, the sheep jumped on the horse, with the horse being on all fours, leaning on the bench. As it started penetrating, some sort of yellow-grayish bubble started to form from its anus. As it grew bigger, a red liquid poured into the bubble from its anus. I assumed that was blood. More and more blood got squirted into the bubble until it became fully red and as big as the sheep's torso. Until it was so big, it could no longer contain all the blood and exploded, covering the whole interior in blood. After that, I woke up.

As I said, that scene doesn't disturb me as much anymore since I already told some people about it. Although, after I woke up, I had to sit on my bed for a good minute or two to settle down. That dream really disturbed me. Somehow, I started to hate that sheep even though it wasn't real. And for some time, I had this irrational hate towards sheep and goats in general. That hatred just kinda left me though. It's funny how, despite all of this being just my imagination, it managed to make me feel the way it did. Almost as if I couldn't believe I was capable of rendering dreams like that. Dreams that, despite being part of my mind, could still disturb it.

Anyway, I didn't have any dreams like that afterward. While, as much as I'm happy I don't have to deal with such disturbing imagery much anymore (mostly), it's also a shame since it makes the dreaming experience kind of interesting.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope this year will be better than the last one for everyone who reads this. I hope you feel loved and love back this year and that every wish you have comes true uwu.

Haven't done these in a while, huh? Got a bit motivated after seeing some people do check out my journals and get quite intrigued reading them. While, yes, I've failed the initial challenge I set for myself, doesn't mean I can't write journals under my terms. So, I guess I could still try filling my journal collection. The last few journals were mostly furry-themed. I also did mention some existential stuff and whatnot. Honestly, it's hard for me to tell what I'll be writing in the future and how much I'll be writing at all. I guess I don't have a specific theme for this journal as well. Until I find a good topic, guess I'll leave it here.

I haven't uploaded here in a while. It's safe to say, I failed my own challenge. I haven't uploaded enough journals in the last year to satisfy the requirement to finish this little writing challenge that I gave myself. That can tell you a bit about what type of person I am. So, I decided to write yet another journal. Just for fun. Write down some of the thoughts I had recently. From now on, journals won't be forced and, as before, contain my spontaneous thoughts.

Today, for whatever reason, I had a mini existential crisis. It's nothing dramatic, I didn't hyperventilate or whatever. However, it made me think and feel a bit anxious about my future and life. I guess I discovered a new fear; death. Yeah, yeah, everyone fears death in some way or form. I understand that. It's just, the thing that made me most anxious and fearful wasn't the idea that I'm gonna die one day, but rather what death even is. As someone who isn't overly religious, the idea of death to me looks like an infinite "darkness", so to speak. And I'm convinced that that is exactly what death looks like, like nothingness. Although, I'm still not sure how would that feel. Well, technically, it wouldn't feel like anything, since, when you're dead, your brain doesn't really work. So you're essentially sense-deprived. This leads to the conclusion that death looks like a dreamless sleep, but it is prolongated till infinity. Or, in other words, that same "feeling" you had before you were even born, but trapped in that state forever. Pure nothingness. And that idea frightens me. After reevaluating my thoughts on that concept, I can truly understand why people tend to believe in the afterlife. The problem is, I'm already so convinced that the afterlife doesn't exist, that no matter how hard I try to believe in that, I fail. After seeing scenes of people being held at gunpoint, being obliterated in car accidents, and subjected to the mercy of their own decisions to end it all, a strange claustrophobic sensation gets awakened in me. Almost as if dying means nothing but crawling into one fragile shell that is their now dead body, locking behind all access to sensations whatsoever, entering this infinitely long unconscious state, trapped within this infinitely small and tight space.

That concept raises questions about what consciousness really is. Sometimes I would get this surreal feeling of wonder and uncertainty which always leaves me asking what is consciousness, why I possess this body, hell, and even why I possess a human body in the first place. What happens with it after my body rots away? What about animals? Are they conscious? Some research proves that animals have the neurological abilities to have a consciousness, while some philosophies (Descartes) deny that.

I guess an interesting thing that can be connected with this topic is teleportation. Currently, the idea of human teleportation is breaking down the human body into atoms and transferring them via some sort of medium to a different location such that, when it arrives, the atoms form the exact body that was teleported. This will essentially result in the death of that person, and reanimation at a different location. So, the question that is raised with this idea is whether this body will possess the same consciousness after teleportation. In other words, if it were you who is teleported, will that "you" also possess the same body at the other end? Or will the body adopt a different consciousness that is to "you", as any other person to the current, real "you"? And if the latter is true, then what happens to your first consciousness? Do you also fall into a dreamless-sleep state that prolongs itself till infinity? That idea that one body can possess multiple consciousnesses at different times without it knowing can be a bit creepy and trippy. For instance, if the body has all the memories of the previous consciousness, then the latter one will never discover or conclude there were any other consciousnesses before it, since those memories will only appear as if this change never really happened. So, despite the fact that the previous "you" died before teleportation, the latter "you" wouldn't know that until someone says it to them because of that illusion of continuation.

Something to add here is also whether or not there is even more than one consciousness. We know for a fact each and every human has a separate consciousness. So that question might seem a bit surreal. However, how can we be sure of that? That "point of view", perspective, and experience manifested by the senses of your body is unique to you only. The same goes for that feeling of being in control of your body and decisions. And, because of that uniqueness, it's impossible to prove that others actually possess this same "point of view" as you do. As far as you're concerned, everyone could easily follow a predetermined path or trajectory manifested and realized by the random positioning and motion of the primordial particles at the very beginning of the universe, edited only by "your" decisions. As far as you're concerned, everyone could just easily be an "NPC", or a chain of chemical reactions, similar to what microorganisms are, hollow shells, unable to decide by themselves, only giving the illusion of conscious decision-making caused only by the complexity of the neural network that is their brain. This, yet again, begs the question of whether or not that "you", that "point of view" can be and will be manifested in a different body once "you" die. Or will that "you" forever disappear from the face of existence once "you" is no more? This viewing of the world can be quite dangerous for those who practice it and for others. It can deprive you of the feeling of connectivity and love for others for it's hard to love something that doesn't really love you back. It might ruin relationships and encourage someone to be deviant within the society they live in, only ruining the lives of others around them. And, at the end of the day, how sure are we that any of this is actually true?

To the question of “what is a furry” an answer has been given many times before. Though, most answers you find online don’t cover the depths that the fandom contains. Because of the complexity of this particular group and its similarity with actual culture, the fandom by many is also considered a sub-culture. Sure, for curious “passengers” of the Internet that only google what a furry is for basic information, what is presented (for the most part) is more than enough to cover the essential information of what “furry” is.

The thing that makes the fandom so interesting to me, from a theoretical perspective, is its past. The past of the fandom has been covered by Fredrik Knudsen in his video titled “Furries |Down the rabbit hole”.In short, what fascinated me most about the information given is how dark the fandom’s history actually is. Sexualization within the fandom and sexual activity has been worse than it is today with people actively practicing and discussing zoophilia, plushophilia, and other kinky and otherworldly things aside. And you know how bad this whole situation was if the more prominent members of the fandom (consider them some sort of authority) were absolutely disgusted and revolted by those actions. Though, I also seem to find interest in how the fandom was created in the first place. That part of its history dates back as far as when Disney started producing anthropomorphic cartoons. That’s when people got most interested in furry characters (though, they weren’t called “furry” back then). All of this and more has been covered in that video.

Another thing that interests me are the general in-depth details of the fandom, well, sub-culture. I found a book on that topic that can be easily accessed through The Internet Archive. The book’s name is “Furries among us” (yes, after 2020, this name sounds more like a meme than anything else) and it was written by a series of “prominent members of the furry fandom”. The book covers essays on topics like general information about the fandom, the socialization of furries, its resemblance to a folk group, erotica, and much more. I haven’t read it yet, but I’m planning on doing that in the near future.

I mentioned earlier that the fandom can be considered a sub-culture. Looking at the definition of a sub-culture: “a cultural group within a larger culture, often having beliefs or interests at variance with those of the larger culture”, and its elements: symbols, language, norms, values and rituals we can see how the fandom truly resembles a sub-culture.
It has its own symbols like the most iconic one – the paw (mostly canine though), a “PhiPaw” (a made-up symbol for inter-fandom recognition), the general concept of fur (from which it got its name), and so on. The fandom also has a unique language. It may not be a full-on stand-alone language, but rather a collection of terms specifically used within the fandom. Words like “yiff”, “fursuit”, “fursona”, “somefure”, “befure”, and so on won’t be found anywhere else outside the fandom. Though, English isn’t the only language used as a basis for the fandom’s language. There are lingual variations on German, Chinese, Russian, Slovak, and even Esperanto words. It’s also funny how this collective “language” has a name too – “Furspeech” or “Furspeak”. When it comes to norms it's hard to pint-point out certain differences between the norms of most widespread cultures and of the fandom. Though, I could connect general tolerance to minority groups in all senses (especially the LGBTQ+ group) with the norms in the fandom. What I find the fandom values the most are art and self-expression. It is a collective of creative people (which doesn’t surprise me, knowing on which basis the fandom was made) that enrichen the fandom with their creations. And lastly, the fandom has rituals too, like conventions, meets, fursuiting, partying (could be considered a ritual, maybe), and more.

Another short collection of thoughts I got. Who knows, maybe I’ll summarize my thoughts on this topic in the future in the form of an essay or a book.

I want to keep this journal simple and short. The reason for this is because of how personal it is. Yes, I know, I’ve already written really personal stuff here. But I feel like this should be written shortly because of how “new” this situation is and it involves someone else.
Now, I’ve already mentioned a guy who reads my journals. He’s a friend of mine who accidentally found out about my FA account and journals and now actively reads them. I also know he’s going to read this one. I know the following news might surprise him (and possibly shock him), though I’ve been meaning to share this for a while now and he is the only one who knows about my current situation.

I'm in love. And It’s for real. You already know about my “unstable” sexual orientation. However, after we became more than friends, those troubles became small as an ant. I met the most loving guy ever. Became friends with him, went through thick and thin with him, and ended up falling in love with him. And the best part is, the feeling is mutual. The sad part of our relationship is that it is far away. And by far I mean several thousand miles far away. The time-zone gap between him and me is 7 hours. Now, at least, I got a decent enough reason to move to the USA (even if that might take a couple of years). I want to spare you the details. Mainly to protect his privacy. The only thing I feel I’m allowed to say is that he’s quite short, chubby, and the nicest person I’ve ever met. And, most importantly, that we love each other.

Now that that’s out of the way, I can feel a bit better about myself.

P. S. (to my friend)
I just hope you can keep this a secret, bitch.

The world cup has begun once again. Today the representative soccer team of my country played against Morocco’s soccer team. With much disappointment and relief, the match ended in a draw. Despite my lack of interest in sports, I find this event to be important to us, Croats. Mostly in a global way. The better we play, the better we get represented to the world allowing for future benefits to the country because of popularity. I’m not predicting that we might get as far as we did 4 years ago, however.

I don’t specifically want to talk about sports or the world cup. In fact, the topic might drift away as far as South America drifted away from Africa. The current events reminded me of how this whole sport ritual was manifested in 2018. One particular thing that came to mind was the mascot of 2018’s world cup in Russia – Zabivaka. If you’re not familiar with that mascot, it is a gray wolf dressed in a soccer player’s uniform. Due to it being an anthropomorphic animal and quite popular, I think you can connect the dots of what happened to it. Or, more specifically, what furries have done to it. If you’re still not sure, just type “Zabivaka” in the search bar of e621.net and you’ll find out.

The point is, the process of sexualization of various anthropomorphic characters that originally weren’t made for sexual content is quite popular and often in the furry fandom. Another example of this process was Tony the Tiger or Chester Cheetah. Hell, even cartoon characters fall victim to it. I’m not trying to say, however, that this should stop or that certain measures should be taken against it. If what you create with any character does not bother the original creators or harm anyone, do whatever you want (also, if it is legal). Though, In the case of Tony the Tiger, furries continued creating porn of the mascot despite the creator’s plea for them to stop. Sure, crossing the line for shitposting or memes can sometimes be entertaining and funny, but when crossed too much, it just becomes sad.

This does open a whole new subject of how sexual the furry fandom is and have we “crossed the line” when it comes to that. It is true that being a furry isn’t sexual. Nor are the fandom’s motives and main interests either. However, there is a(n) (un)healthy amount of sexual content in the fandom in any way or form. From various sexual art, literature, and stories (maybe even events). Though, despite all of that, only 4% of furries claim that the fandom is truly sexual.

I know that the topic went all over the place and that I haven’t really concluded or said anything with it. I mostly just wrote what came to mind.

Not so long ago I had a humble discussion with a friend of mine about furry music. Well, the discussion was mainly about this one song that got turned into a meme. I’m talking about “No cock like horse cock” by Pepper Coyote. It’s funny how he admitted to unironically listening to it and enjoying it for years. And I don’t blame him. The melody is catchy, the rhythm funky and the lyrics perverted making the whole song a comical sensation. Though, I personally wouldn’t listen to it regularly (not currently at least). I’m blaming the western genre of the song since I’m not a big of a fan of it (funny how we can both agree on that).

Thinking about the conversation, I wondered if there are any other “golden” furry songs out there. “Golden” as in hits that got a wider recognition outside the furry fandom and got actually liked.
The first thing that came to mind was “All the single furries!” by Stinky Skusky on YouTube. It’s a parody of Beyoncé’s “Single ladies”. Despite the immediate association, the only reason why it became so popular was because of how hated it was (and still probably is) – not just by other people, but furries too. So I guess I can’t call it “golden” since that would just undervalue the meaning of that word. Browsing through YouTube I found that the channel EZ Wolf has also done some furry music videos and covers, though none of them really stick out as much. Fox Amore has also done some amazing songwriting/composing (not sure if he still does that), but just like EZ Wolf, none of them stick out as much. However, I did stumble upon a song that got quite popular and liked by furries and non-furries. The song is “Paws to the Walls” by NIIC. Honestly, I can “hear” why it got liekd. The rhythm is funky just like in the first-mentioned song, the melody is also catchy, and the chord progression is kind of impressive and enviable. The lyrics are also in some way or form sexual but in a less comical/perverted and more “romantic” way. I can honestly see myself listening to this song unironically.

I could throw an eye on this topic later. I only scratched the surface of possible furry songs that have a wider potential.

Hello! It’s been a while since I made one of these. I could blame it on my busy schedule, but then I’d be just ignoring the fact that I’m lazy.
Anyways… I really don’t have anything special to say today. Maybe soon though.
I did start reading another novel that Kyell Gold has written called “Red Devil”. Can’t say much about it since I just started reading it. But, when I do finish it, maybe I’ll write about it. Who knows…?

Also, want to greet a dear friend of mine who’s probably reading this. So, hi!

A few interesting events have happened in the past few days.

From the first, I learned that alcohol isn’t too much fun.

From the second I learned that I’m not as bad at English as I thought, that I could write more in English and that one of my friends knows I’m a furry (hi if you’re reading this).

And from the third that I’m not as persistent when it comes to fulfilling the tasks I give to myself.

I finished “Waterways” too!

I already mentioned in one of my journals that I was reading Kyell Gold’s “Waterways”, a gay furry romance novel. Just like in my previous journal, I won’t be writing a review for I don’t feel obliged nor competent to do so. Here is a review if anyone is interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IN0ZX2ypor4

Just like “Echo”, it took me a few months more than intended to finish it. Again, the book isn’t terribly long, I just had to take a break from it.

Despite the necessity for the break, I probably enjoyed this book the most out of all the other books I’ve already read. It touched me in a way that no other book has, and I guess left a “mark” of some sort (already talked about the change of my sexual preferences a while ago). I guess it’s crazy how it was able to change the course of my romantic life within a few light reads. It’s so much more ironic, knowing how I haven’t believed in the “converting” abilities books have on people before that. I always believed that the “this book changed my life” sentence is too exaggerated and made up, but I guess this book contradicts that belief.

It's interesting how through the book you can learn about the author’s stance on certain topics. One topic that often intertwines with the main theme is the author’s view on religion (specifically Christianity) and the position of a young homosexual Christian in an early 20’s American society. I wouldn’t be mentioning this topic if its presentation hadn’t caught my attention. Despite the massive backlash many homosexuals experience from most religious integrity, the author doesn’t bash it but embraces it as an emotional outlet and guidance for many who face injustice in this (that) world. This is done by making the main character (Kory) religious. Also by introducing a priest character who helps Kory find out more about himself through inner reflection and friendly conversation (let’s not think of anything else). Sure, the main character does experience hate from his peers and even family members. Though, despite the arrogance of the world and troubles in his relationship, he manages to resist it and continues to cherish and grow his love towards another boy.

Also, the topic of sex appears in this book too. Though, the author’s only scratching the surface of it. And, honestly, I don’t mind it. I originally didn’t think this book would be smut, but at the same time, knowing the furry fandom, I was expecting a book that leans heavier on the sexual side of one’s love life. To my surprise though, it mostly focuses on the parts of one’s love life that deepens the relationship between two individuals (mutual feelings, finances, mutual interests, education, worldview…), and, honestly, I’m happy it does. If it were just smut or leaned heavier on the sexual side, I probably wouldn’t enjoy this book as much as I did and wouldn’t return from reading it with a fresh view of the world.

Reading this book, it’s fun to imagine the motives behind its writing and creation. What inspired the author to write it? And, much more interesting, what experiences does he have with which he enriches the content and theme of it? One won’t get the exact answers to these questions without asking the author but reading “between the lines” and imagining feels way more rewarding and fun.

Finally finished Echo!

It took me around 9-10 months to finish it and mainly because I took a long break from it.
It's not in my interest to review it since I'm not quite sure if I'm capable of doing that. Though there is no need for it 'cause there already is a review on the game (it's also really recent): https://youtu.be/TJ-LA9KfMa0.

The last route I took was Jenna's route. Honestly, it didn't touch me as deeply as the other routes (especially Leo's). Probably because the loss that Chase has gone through at that route wasn't as heavenly exaggerated as in previous routes (even though he only lost his not-much-of-a-boyfriend-anymore Leo). Though, I can't say that the route was in any way or form boring. Certain parts definitely shocked me: like Carl's disappearance, the Leo and Micha revelation, the thing that happened in Heather's house... However, there was no real emotional attachment between Chase and any other character making the whole ending tame and somewhat peaceful.

It's a strange feeling ending Echo. I can't say that I feel any particular loss or grief ending it, but I suppose I somewhat got attached to it. Especially because it showed me that I'm not straight and peaked my interest in dating. Furthermore, it did manage to make me feel shocked and horror but also joy and a sense of belonging somehow. So I guess it's currently the only game that made me feel things.

I'm planning on playing either Arches or The Smoke Room next (both of them continuing and deepening Echo's lore). I'm guessing I'll settle with The Smoke Room first 'cause it's the prequel to Echo so I may understand a few things about it better.

Not so long ago I stumbled upon a neat 40-something-minute furry movie called "Bitter Lake". I managed to find it on YouTube (https://youtu.be/kaL4YJbXUys). It was apparently produced by EZwolf and Shay. I haven't done that much research on it, but, as I remember it, it was aired at Eurofurrance in 2011(?).

Its setting is a midevil country run by, of course, anthropomorphic animals. It's however in ruins due to a civil war that is raging. The country itself is divided into four provinces. The plot is, as I remember it, uniting the country, and settling the war through diplomatic discussion between the 4 representatives of those provinces.

It's honestly kind of charming. The video quality is amazing, the soundtrack and music are fascinating (probably 'cause it was made by Foxamore), and the costumes are super realistic and cool. It is true though, the plot isn't as interesting. I'm not gonna spoil it, but I'm just gonna say it usually revolves around arguing, talking, and a bit of combat at the end. Sure, the movements may be a bit exaggerated and sloppy, but at the same time, you can't expect anything better, since characters in full body suits must move around like that to better represent their emotions (like the Power Rangers).

It's a bit disappointing, however, how much hate it garnered, not just by non-furries but also furries, as I heard. It's said that the real flaw was the aforementioned not-as-interesting plot and slow pacing plus the limited place in which the events occurred. It got a 5.9/10 on IMDb, so I guess it's not THAT badly rated...

Made mac and cheese today. Was good. Followed a simple recipe on YT (https://youtu.be/IzLn0pXntNE).
That's it! That's the whole journal.

Have a nice one!

Here is the second meme I found on ThesePantsDontFit’s account. This one was a lot more interesting to answer because it was waaaay bigger and had some questions to which I could answer in a more humorous way. It’s clear that I didn’t take some of these questions too serious.

1. Full name:
Not yet…

2. Zodiac sign:
Gemini

3. Fears:
Spiders, fucking up something simple, being annoying to someone.

4. 3 things I love:
My family and friends (uwu), being in a lengthy deep conversation, myself (kind of)

5. 4 turn ons:
Pecks (lol), Pretty/Handsome face, Height, Idk the last one…

6. 4 turn offs:
Tbh, too general to type in.

7. My best friend(s):
Even if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t get anything out of it.

8. Sexual orientation:
Bi.

9. My best first date:
Didn’t have one yet ☹.

10. How tall am I:
189 cm, or 1.89 m (yes, I’m using the more superior metric system).

11. What do I miss:
It’s the summer holidays right now, so I’d say school (cuz of friends).

12. What time was I born at?:
I actually don’t know and am too lazy to ask.

13. Favorite color:
Aren’t all colors pretty? (blue)

14. Do I have a crush:
Had three, but that was a loooong time ago. Now, none.

15. Favorite quote:
I have some quotes that are cool, will write down later.

16. Favorite place:
Honestly, can’t say. I was in Turkey one summer, so that was nice. I’ll just go with that.

17. Favorite food:
Sirnica! With yogurt.

18. Do I use sarcasm:
No, not really.

19. What am I listening to right now:
The sound of my fan blowing.

20. First thing I notice in a new person:
How they look (preferably the face first) and how open they are around me.

21. Shoe size:
47 (European measurement)

22. Eye color:
Brown.

23. Hair color:
Also brown.

24. Favorite style of clothing:
Casual. Especially T-shirts with a print.

25. Ever done a prank call?
Not really, but was around people who were doing it.

26. What color of underwear?
Black, like the void.

27. Meaning behind my username:
The meaning of written, or otherwise spoken words only carries meaning if one chooses to give that word meaning. The meaning of my username is that it is a self-fulfilling and self-relying word that in its nature does not carry the burden of any meaning.

28. Favorite movie:
Pianist (for now).

29. Favorite song:
If I were to tell you now, you’d get a different answer next week probably.

30. How I feel right now:
Bored, so I decided to get rid of the boredom by answering personal questions someone has posted on the Internet whose answers I’ll probably post on FA.

31. Someone I love:
Hey mom!

32. My current relationship status:
Single.

33. My relationship with my parents:
Pretty good. Still not self-relying enough though, so I kind of feel like a burden to them sometimes. But, whatever.

34. Favorite holidays:
Quick ones that are filled with exciting events and something to do. Honestly, the longer the holidays are, the quicker I get bored and isolated.

35. Tattoos and piercings I have:
I have none but am interested in getting one this winter.

36. Tattoos and piercings I want:
No piercing, but a tattoo of maybe a Greek god might sound good (idk why I like that motive).

37. The reason I joined deviantART:
Oh yeah, I have that! Wanted to share some of my art there. Aren’t active at all however.

38. Do I and my last ex hate each other?
Never had an ex! Never had a partner…

39. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?
Wow, never been THAT personal with someone. No, unfortunately not. But, at the same time, I feel like I also would just say to that person, who’d ben sending me those messages to stop, not because I hate them per se, but because it’s just extra work for the day. Rest a bit!

40. Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
No

41. When did I last hold hands?
Do I have to remember this?

42. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
Usually, I would chill in the bed and listen to some music or watch YouTube after I wake up, so in a way maybe an hour, or half-an-hour longer than most people. The rest however, about 10-15 minutes (counting the breakfast).

43. Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?
No, I don’t shave my legs. Can’t say I never will…

44. Where am I right now?
In my bedroom.

45. If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
My friends! I hope so…

46. Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
If I’m on a concert or party, music to the max. If I’m alone or with a small group of friends, too loud and my anxiety kicks in.

47. Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
Yep. Will do for another year, until I move to collage.

48. Am I excited for anything?
Currently, not really.

49. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything?
I guess my mom, but won’t.

50. How often do I war a fake smile?
Well, not too often, but also do it quite a bite.

51. What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
If I was with that person – jealousy. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t care that much (maybe).

52. Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
No, but also yes… Can’t say.

53. What is something I dislike about today?
Today as today is how bored I was. Today as “in these times” I’d say the anxiety that is shared amongst my pears due to the economic state in which the world is right now.

54. If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
There would be a lot of people (I’d say most would be furries). The first one that comes to my mind instantly is Kyell Gold.

55. What do I think about most?
If they like me or not.

56. What’s my strangest talent?
I can jitter click real fast (12 cps my max).

57. Do I have any strange phobias?
I wouldn’t call them strange, just irrational. Arachnophobia is one of them.

58. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Honestly, don’t care.

59. What was the last lie I told?
Look at question 18.

60. Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Both is bad enough, but I’d say online video.

61. Do I believe in ghosts?
I have when I was little. Now, not so much. But who’s to say they aren’t real?

62. Do I believe in magic?
It’s magical how I still have the will to live. Yes, I do.

63. Do I believe in luck?
I could get really technical with this, but I’ll just say yes.

64. What’s the weather like right now?
Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

65. What was the last book I’ve read?
It’s a collection of some Croatian poetry. Not that interesting.

66. Do I like the smell of gasoline?
Yep, love it.

67. Do I have any nicknames?
Too early… Again

68. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
Not really sure. Can’t say I can remember the last time I was badly injured.

69. Do I spend money or save it (nice)?
Save it. Not cuz It’s intentional, but cuz I store it and forget that I ever had it. It’s a surprise whenever I open the piggy bank!

70. Can I touch my nose with my tongue?
No.

71. Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?
My exposed massive CO…

72. What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
Listening to some music. Which one? I can’t remember.

73. Favorite animal?
Dogs, cats, mice, birds… In general – animals I find cute.

74. What do I think is Satan’s last name?
Who would ask that question? … I’d say Natas.

75. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
“Minus i plus”, a Croatian hit.

76. How can you win my heart?
You’re asking a professional alright! Everyone says to just be yourself, so I’ll say that too…

77. What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
Honestly, idk. I’ll need to write a good joke for my tombstone one day!

78. What is my favorite word?
It’s not my favorite, but one that I like a lot: “queue”. Reason: clearly, the spelling is just awful.

79. My top 5 deviations on deviantART:
Don’t use it.

80. If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
“I’m real” and watch the world try to figure out who’s religion is right.

81. Do I have any relatives in jail?
No and if I had any, probably wouldn’t tell…

82. What would be the best superpower I could have?
I always wanted teleportation.

83. What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
“Are you a furry?”

84. What is my current desktop picture?
A green tent placed in the mountains of what I assume is North America. Also, taken at night.

85. Had sex?
Nope.

86. Bought condoms?
Almost!

87. Gotten pregnant?
Don’t think guys can get pregnant.

88. Failed a class?
Wouldn’t even allow it.

89. Kissed a boy?
Nah.

90. Kissed a girl?
Nah.

91. Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
Refer to 89th and 90th question.

92. Had a job?
Not really.

93. Left the house without my wallet?
Probably yes.

94. Bullies someone on the internet?
Not really. Wouldn’t want to do it either.

95. Had sex in public?
Nope.

96. Played on a sports team?
Professionally, no. Amateurly, yes.

97. Smoked weed?
No

98. Did drugs?
Nope.

99. Drank alcohol?
Just did a couple of hours ago.

100. Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
No

101. Been overweight?
I’M WORKING ON IT!

102. Been underweight?
Don’t think I even can be anymore…

103. Been to a wedding?
Hasn’t everyone?

104. Been on the computers for 5 hours straight?
Probably multiple times. Nowadays that’s almost an impossible feat.

105. Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
Yes, as a lil boy.

106. Been outside my home country?
Yep! Loved it!

107. Gotten my heart broken?
Not yet!

108. Been to a professional sports game?
Nah.

109. Broken a bone?
Nope.

110. Cut myself?
Multiple times. By accident, however.

111. Been to prom?
We Croats don’t have such weaknesses!

112. Been in airplane?
Yup!

113. Fly by helicopter?
No… Would want to though!

114. What concerts have I been to?
Maaaany! Don’t want to name them all.

115. Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
Can’t say… Maybe?

116. Learned another language?
Currently writing in it. Also German.

117. Wore make up?
Nope.

118. Lost my virginity before I was 18?
Too late to achieve that now…

119. Had oral sex?
Nope.

120. Dyed my hair?
No. Wanted to but didn’t.

121. Voted in a presidential election?
Not yet.

122. Rode in an ambulance?
Yes.

123. Had a surgery?
2 I think…

124. Met someone famous?
Not really…

125. Stalked someone on a social network?
Don’t see myself as such a creep…

126. Peed outside?
Every man pees outside at least once!

127. Been fishing?
Nope.

128. Helped with charity?
I guess I did.

129. Been rejected by a crush?
Nope.

130. Broken a mirror?
Nope.

131. What do I want for my birthday?
Nothing much… To be with my friends probably and just spend some quality time with each other. That would be nice.

132. How many kids do I want and what will be their names?
Honestly, don’t know. I’d be ok if I got none, but if I had to, I’d say 2 most. Names? Some biblical stuff like Isaac or Samuel or something like that (the Bible has plenty of good names, don’t have to make up that much shit).

133. Was I named after anyone?
Believe it or not: Jesus (I’m not named Jesus however)

134. Do I like my handwriting?
It depends on in which notebook I write. Notebooks for some subjects have way better writing then notebooks of other subjects.

135. What was my favorite toy as a child?
A mini tractor that you could ride. Every kid in my town loved it too!

136. Favorite TV Show?
I don’t watch that much TV anymore, but the ones that marked my childhood were Gumball, SpongeBob, Regular Show, and Adventure Time.

137. Where do I want to live when older?
Somewhere far away from the Balkans! Preferably in Canada.

138. Play any musical instrument?
I know how to play the piano (even though I don’t anymore) and the bass (not so often though).

139. One of my scars, how did I get it?
On my shoulder. Surgery.

140. Favorite pizza topping?
Sour cream. Love that shit!

141. Am I afraid of the dark?
When my imagination doesn’t go wild, no.

142. Am I afraid of height?
Sometimes.

143. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
Yep. Not gonna say what.

144. Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?
Yup!

145. What I’m really bad at:
Staying in touch with… anyone? Damn, should fix that…

146. I accidentally deleted this one:
The fuck? Is this part of the quiz or…?

147. The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me:
Can’t remember.

148. What I’d do if I won in a lottery:
Idk. I’d actually need to sit down for this one.

149. What do I like about myself:
How I’m apparently good at making funny jokes and have a good sense of humor. Saying apparently only because this isn’t coming from me.

150. My closest devianART friend:
Don’t use it…

151. Something I fantasize about:
There may be children reading this…

152. Do I have pets?
A dog, a cat. Though, don’t take that much care for them. My grandma dose that.


Done! If you read through all of them you are a champ! It took me a while to answer them all honestly, so thanks for reading! ^^

While aimlessly browsing through FA I stumbled upon a meme on Skips’ account. Got bored and decided to try and answer the questions. Honesty, the results are in a way disappointing and anticlimactic to me. I’ll maybe wait a couple of years and try answering these same questions again to see if anything has changed.
The meme if anyone is interested: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C29HTrF.....Sr8H.jpg:large

Later I stumbled upon another meme on ThesePantsDontFit’s account whose origin or source I don’t know. I also must have skipped a few questions by accident while trying to answer them and can’t find them. I’m going to leave this meme in a different journal since it’s a bit longer and I don’t want to torture newcomers on my page with a page so long it could be wrapped around the equator.

1. Been in the fandom for…
Honestly, can’t tell. I’ve been interested in it for about 6 years now, but still not that active in it.

2. Found the fandom how?
Through a YouTube video that bashed furries. Searched them up and now I’m here.

3. Chose your species cuz…
I haven’t, yet… But, I’m thinking of going with a domestic cat here, just cuz I am seen as lazy as they are.

4. Why/How did you choose your name?
It was available and wanted a name that started with ‘X’.

5. If you had to change your species, what would you choose?
I’d say a dragon. Just cuz.

6. What percentage of your friends are furries?
0% (maybe).

7. If you’ve been, favorite furry con, and why?
Haven’t been to one yet.

8. Got a fursuit? If no, why?
No. Probably wouldn’t wear it that much plus expensive.

9. RP’ing is: Fun, Not my thing, A good way to “blow off steam”
Haven’t tried it yet, but am interested in what it’s like.

10. Are you open about being a furry, i.e. if it comes up in conversation?
No, but it comes up rarely anyway.

11. Gay/Straight/Bi?
Been self-reflecting a lot recently and I’d say bi.

12. Ever kissed another furry?
Never kissed a person in the first place.

13. Do you have adult art of your fursona? If yes post your favorite.
Nope, don’t have any.

14. Ever hooked up with another fur? If yes, ever done it at a con?
The fact that I haven’t kissed a person yet speaks volumes.

15. Opinion about murrsuits?
If you’re into it, do whatever you want to! Who knows, maybe I’ll become interested in it one day too…

16. Do you have a kink related to the fandom? If yes, post the one you’re most open about, if you dare 😉
I wouldn’t say that I have a kink, but if asked, I’d just say: stockings. Yeah… pretty vanilla shit, but whatever. When it comes to posting, not sure what is meant by it. Do I post my art of it, someone else’s…? Just search it up lazy!

17. Are you in any 18+ Telegram groups? Name one.
Don’t have Telegram.

Last month I turned 18!!! YEEEEEY!!!
Now, according to my country’s laws, I am allowed to drink, get married, gamble, get a driving license, go to various clubs, and, best of all, go to jail! All the best sides of life.

Honestly now, some of you could maybe even relate, but I don’t feel that much different from a 17-year-old, or even a 16-year-old (well, generally a child). I recently have thought about the concept and idea of 18 being a decent number of years after which a person becomes an adult (legally that is). Honestly, I kind of find it stupid, knowing that many people really aren’t mentally (some even physically) mature enough to be considered adults at 18 years, or even later. I am also not going to exclude myself from that statement.

Just a little something that has been in my mind since my birthday.

Two days ago I, alongside my school colleagues, visited the power plant Krško which is located in Slovenia, on the left shore of the river Sava, 3 km from the town of Krško. The powerplant generates energy for both Croatia and Slovenia such that half of the generated energy is provided to both countries. Since I live in Croatia and my school is located only around 1 hour from the Slovenian border, it organized a trip to the power plant.
I`m not going to go into much detail here, just to share what I find most interesting and what I've learned from the trip.

We didn't go into the actual building where the generator is, but a building built relatively far from the generator. When we got there, we were divided into 3 groups. Each group got a trip guide. The guide my group got held one of 3 lectures they organized for us. On it, we were discussing global warming and pollution using an interactive calculator that was made by MIT (https://www.climateinteractive.org/en-roads/). Essentially, the calculator is made of multiple sliders that represent the current values of elements of our economic and ecological reality. The calculator predicts the rise of global temperature till the year 2100. Its current prediction is +4.1°C. We were given the task to lower the temperature from +4.1°C to +2.1°C. We were also advised not to slide the values of the elements to their extremes since those scenarios would be very unlikely in the real world. When allowed to change the values, we were surprised by how hard it is to lower the temperature. The reason for this is the fact that the calculator uses dynamic algebra to calculate the temperature but also takes every single detail into account (such as the amount of pollution caused while producing solar panels, windmills, and so on).
After that, we were given a different guide who showed us a movie the facility made. It was about what energy is, how we get it, and so on. Nothing too special. Then we were guided to a room that contained various models that represent how the power plant works. Some of them were also interactive, like a model that displays how a water mill works by making you pump water into a tank until it tips over and falls down a tube leading into the generator. It also had a model of how the reactor works, but I'm not going to bore you with that, since you can just look that up on Google. However, honestly, this part wasn't as interesting as some would think. Sure, it showed how the actual generator functions and it was fun playing around with the models, but most of the time I found myself roaming around aimlessly. Luckily, I was able to take a picture of uranium. Something to show my family I guess.
Lastly, we were led to a room with various physics experiments related to electricity. That was the best part in my opinion, because of how interactive and varied all the experiments were. The experiments ranged from an electric generator in the form of a bicycle or a simulation of a magnetic field with magnetic arrows to a plasma ball. The experiment that got the most attention however was an electro shocker circuit. How it works, essentially, is you would put your hands on two metal plates that were connected to a circuit. The circuit would gain electricity by spinning a handle connected to a generator. When you would put your hands on the plates and someone else would spin the handle, you would feel your hand muscles twitch because of the current. Luckily, the current and the voltage were low enough for the experience not to be painful, but also not so pleasant (at least for me). We would also form a wire by holding each other's hands and closing the circuit (something similar to this: https://youtu.be/jMQL4boocgk). At some point, however, some of us were having a little bit too much fun with it and constantly returning to it after being done experimenting with it. We were even joking that it could help you discover new kinks, by how some of us were obsessed with it. In the end, the guide was conducting some experiments with a Tesla coil.

The experience was honestly amazing. Especially after being promised for 2 years that we would travel a lot, only to end up not traveling at all because of the pandemic. It thought me a lot, from how "fucked" we are ecologically or how nuclear power plants aren't as bad of pollution makers as some people see them, to how some people find electric stimulation quite entertaining. Furthermore, I was finally able to cross the border again and see my neighboring country Slovenia, a country I only visited once before. The only thing I can say about Slovenia, based on the trip, is that, no matter how close I am to it, the difference between being in Croatia and being in Slovenia is massive. The reason for this is the economical difference and the ecological awareness. Just seeing all the solar panels on almost all the houses we passed to seeing no trash beside the road can tell you how more advanced Slovenia is compared to Croatia. The only thing that I regret was not going into the actual building where the reactor is. I suppose they didn't lead us there because of the lack of activities we could partake in and to just keep us safe.

Damn, just can't keep up with my promises. Oh well, doesn't matter. I'll try my best to at least have the correct count of journals at the end of the year and won't really bother uploading them consistently. Luckily, I don't have a lot of stuff to work on this week, so I'll try using it to catch up with my uploads.
Finally finished Leo's route in Echo. Something that I have been postponing for a long time. The only thing that I can say about it is: "wow, holy shit". Never have I ever been more touched by a game than by this ending, even if I haven't played that many story-driven games before.
Just so that I don't leave you without any context of why I think it was touching. Leo's route has two endings: the bad ending and the "good" ending. By the way, I'm going to talk about what happened in the game, so in case you don't want to get spoiled, don't read this. Also, the description that I'm providing assumes that you already know the characters and a little bit of Leo's route. Just a heads up: this is not a review, just my thoughts on the ending of it. The only reason why I'm leaving the description is mainly just to reference some events that happened in a context.

Essentially, after a whole week of paranoia, fighting, and terror, the week is slowly coming to an end, so is the final day of the spring break. The whole crew finally came together to come up with an escape plane. They have discovered that a train regularly passes the town in a time sequence, meaning that they could just wait for the train to come by and jump on it escaping the terror. And that is exactly what they are planning to do. However, after an argument with Leo, Kudzu is kicked out of the group. Chase decides to go find him and try bringing him back. After the reunion of Chase and Kudzu, they stumble upon Jenna wandering amidst the darkness in the desert. The three of them decide to head towards Kudzu's trailer to calm down a bit and settle some things down. As they go about how to meet up with Leo again and escape, Chase's bladder decides it would be a good idea for him to finally take a leak. As he does that outside Kudzu's trailer, since Jenna is occupying the toilet at the moment, he gets kidnapped by Brian the bear (who somehow isn't dead). As Brian takes Chase to an abandoned mine in the town, Chase starts realizing what the bear might be up to. In the mine, the bear starts digging a hole in the ground which he wants to use as a grave for Chase. Brian whips out a gun and aims it right towards Chase's head. However, due to an unexpected sequence of supernatural events, Chase manages to escape the situation he's in and finds Flynn searching for him. They both head towards Leo's house where the whole group is. After another not-so-heated argument with Leo, they finally decide to leave this town via the passing train. As they approach the tracks, Leo finally has it and asks Chase if they are going to stay together after this.
This is the point where the two endings split and where the player can decide to ruin Chase's life or ruin Leo's. If the player chooses the option where Chase proposes a discussion on that topic on the train, Chase ends up dying. Due to Leo's stubbornness, he grabs Chase by his shirt, as the group tries to jump on the train, and he falls in such a way, that his legs get cut by the wheels of the train. As Kudzu tries saving him (to no avail, however), he gets shot by Leo and Chase gets taken to Leo's house where he dies from blood loss in Leo's bed. However, if the player decides to pick the other option, where Chase finally breaks up with Leo, Leo pulls out a gun, to get revenge, only to drop it on the floor due to an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness. The group heads towards the passing train in an attempt to try jumping on the train. As everyone gets a turn, Chase is the last one to jump. Looking back, however, to help catch Leo, he sees how Leo just stands there, not willing to attempt jumping, staying behind in Echo. That wrecks Chase even more knowing that he might never see his best friend, his partner, and his first love again. Of course, due to an immense loss he just went thru, he starts crying. As he finally calms down a bit the group reaches Payton, a nearby town where the train was heading towards. A few years pass, and we can see Chase and Kudzu being together. Both of them decided to visit Echo and Leo for the last time. After Kudzu parks in front of Leo's house, Leo and Chase decide to take a short walk and say their final goodbyes leaving a slight possibility of them meeting again one day.

By the descriptions, you can see how both endings aren't ideal. The only reason why I called the second ending "good" is that in that ending no one dies. But even then the second ending was such a pain in the ass to go thru. Probably even more painful than the first ending, because I kind of spoiled the first one way back. Tho I can't say that I wasn't disturbed by it. I must say, however, that another reason why I like the second ending more, is due to the huge emotional impact it had on me. Having to see Leo go thru an emotional breakdown on the spot, as the group tries to leave Echo, and later Chase going thru the same experience on the train made me feel so sympathetic towards them and just overall bad. The worst part (or best, depending on how you look at it) is probably the way Chase's feelings and the situation is described making it almost impossible not to feel sympathy for both of the characters. And the final goodbyes did a number on me too. When it comes to the first ending, however, I didn't feel as much sympathy and sadness as for the second one; only disturbance. Generally having to read such a graphical scene was hard for me. but the most disturbing part was probably Chase's backflashes on how happy he was with Leo while he is slowly being killed by him, dying in his arms, later in bed. That combination of love caused by selfishness and slow death where you're not even fully conscious and drifting away remembering all the good parts of your life just makes me feel chills.

Last week was absolute shit (school stuff and some private problems) and because of it, didn't manage to upload a journal. Luckily, I got a free week due to some holidays. Because of it, I will try to upload either 2 journals this week and 2 the next one, or 3 journals this week and continue uploading regularly.

Sadly, I don't have an actual theme or material for this journal so I'm hoping to get some for the next one, or the one after. In other words, this is just a filler journal again. I will make sure tho that they become a rarity.

I've been watching the popular English sci-fi series "Doctor Who" lately and, to my surprise, it isn't that bad. I was kind of skeptical about it since I know its popularity has dwindled over the years (or so I believe), but despite all of that it surprises me with how much I got into it. It hasn't been long since I started watching it; about a week or so. Started it on the, I believe, 9th doctor, an episode called "Rose", and am currently on the 13th episode.
I remember one of my friends (a bit distant now) in kindergarten and primary school has been very invested in that show, just like his brother. I originally found out about it thru them, but I wasn't interested in it back then. I did watch a few episodes with him but found them kind of stupid and boring. Tho, stumbling upon it and watching it from start shined a light on why they might like it. I guess one just had to watch it from the start to understand the plot and make the whole experience more thrilling.
The show's general plot is decent, can't see the bigger picture yet, but I do believe there is one. Tho I don't like the idea of smaller plots in each episode so far, where a single problem occurs and the majority of the plot of that episode revolves around that problem for it to be resolved at the end. However, it is an interesting way to show us the universe since it introduces us to characters and entities which might not be important for the overarching plot of the series but can tell us what we could expect in other episodes (and that is everything). I also love the joyful nature of the doctor character in the series. Despite all the atrocities, abominations, and evil one might see and experience in that universe, the doctor always stays optimistic. Always finds a solution to a problem, or has enough luck for the problem to be solved "by itself". I could also list a lot of other things that I like or dislike about the show, but that would potentially spoil it for someone. Besides, I just got into it so I don't have an overall opinion on the show.
This was just a "filler" journal I guess. Nothing too interesting. I hope to find more thrilling and exciting topics to write about in my next journal.
Until then! Have a nice week :)

I wasn't sure what to write about in this journal, since I don't write ideas I get during the week (which I should probably start doing), so I'm usually left thinking about some material the day before I write. Don't worry tho, today's journal ain't lacking material, tho I wasn't quite sure if I should write about today's topic. It's about a topic mentioned in my last journal. The one that I mentioned when I was writing about Kyell Gold's "Waterways".
I believe I'm bi. And I would love to just end the whole journal on that statement, but I can't.
The reason for this isn't that simple tho and I'll try to explain the whole situation. The thing is that I'm not quite sure of this yet. I haven't had any romantic or sexual experience with other people whatsoever. Mainly because I wasn't interested in these kinds of things for the longest time (probably because of school duties). However, after reading a little bit of "Waterways" I started to wonder and fantasize about both romantic and sexual relationships with other males. It wasn't the first time, though, but it wasn't as often. Tho that number can't be compared with the number of the same fantasies I had after playing the game "Echo". I'm not quite sure why tho. I guess I just really liked that one scene where they did the thing (not going to spoil anything for ya). From that point on I even started checking out other guys and getting excited over numerous thoughts of same-sex relations. That, in a way, made me question my sexuality, making me think that I was gay myself. And I was fine with that. Sure, I knew I would get a lot of hate for that if I ever decide to come out to other people; mostly friends, since most of my friends are homophobic. I guess due to national tradition or religion since the Balkans aren't the nicest place for queer people. But that still didn't bother me as much. That doesn't bother me now at all (yet). However, a different thing bothers me in this whole story. The main reason I wanted to write about this topic. Sure, it might not sound so bad to you, the reader, and it might not be so bad, but I hate it with all my heart.
After some time, I noticed I still haven't lost my attraction to the opposite sex. I think it is very much the same (when it comes to sexual attraction that is). The romantic attraction may have gotten weaker and switched to the same sex, but I'm not going to claim that that's not going to further change. The thing is tho, because of this, I started to question my sexual orientation, even more, making me fall into a dilemma of sorts. And, in a way, that might not be such a bad thing, if it wasn't for the fact that, for some reason, I can't let go of the idea that I want to be gay (or at least bi). I can't explain why I want that, I just know that my brain wants it and it just doesn't want to let go of it. The worst thing, however, is that there is this "voice" in my head crying that I'm not queer at all and that I'm just faking it (even tho I'm not quite sure how). My brain is just split in two when it comes to this and it just can't decide. While the other is actively convincing me that I am queer, the other can't believe that and rejects that idea. Because of it, I constantly have to check what I get turned on to making me watch porn and masturbate to it more than ever and, to be honest, I'm so sick of it. Every time I ejaculate to gay porn, get turned on by homo-erotic thoughts, or even check out another male on the streets I, for some reason, get this feeling of accomplishment for settling the debate in my head. But whenever I get attracted to a female, I just get so disappointed. Yes, sure, after labeling myself bi, it made this debate easier, making me accept the fact I can get attracted to both sexes more. The problem is tho, that even then the debate hasn't stopped yet. My brain just doesn't want to accept the fact that I might be bi. And the whole process of feeling accomplishment and then later disappointed just goes around in a circle. I can remember all the times when I felt envy for all the teens and adolescents that can surely, with no doubt, say their sexuality.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this situation or this dilemma. I considered talking to a professional about this (a psychologist perhaps), but I know that my friends might find out about it and I don't know how I'd go about explaining this to them. It is true, however, that writing about it to strangers on the Internet is also not the brightest idea ever (you could call it stupid if you ask me). But, then again, I know that I might not get proper help from other people around me, and, knowing this community, a lot of you might understand this. I understand that maybe the best option is to try dating/sleeping with both sexes and see what I like (I don't know how that's going to end up), but I still feel like it might not fully help ease my debate.
As I said, I'm not sure what I'm making out of this. I guess that the whole journal might be just to help ease the negative feelings I'm having regarding this dilemma. It is true, I do feel a little bit better now, after writing this, but who knows when the "circle of feelings" will begin again. Even if I don't get the answer to this problem, I hope that at least someone can relate to this whole thing and that I made sure that they aren't the only ones feeling like that way.

I hope you have a great week!

In my last journal, I wrote that I am going to write about the topic of motivation. So here I am, writing about something I don't have. Great!
in all seriousness, I am going to try to write as much about the topic as I can and know of.
First things first, I do lack motivation, in general. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. Especially when it comes to my personal interests (such as drawing). And it kind of bothers me that I don't really feel like doing something that I would like to pursue later in my life (as a hobby, or maybe a job). And I don't really have a straightforward method on how to start being productive and full of motivation. Luckily, some people have, or at least I think so. The video that comes to mind when it comes to motivating yourself and even pushing your limits is a video named "how I studied for 12 hours a day for over a year" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kICh_d6tHQk). I didn't watch the whole video, but what I remember was said in it, the point is not to really always be motivated to do something, rather make it a sort of a habit, such that, in a way, you don't need motivation to start doing that very thing. But don't quote me on that. In a way, I see it to be also true. Sure, it might be hard to break some bad habits and make new ones that will heavily rely on motivation at the start, but once you get the hang of it, who's to know what you can accomplish later on. Since I want to become better at drawing, one step is to start doing it every day (or at least every two days). That's what other people say. Of course, getting better at drawing doesn't just mean doing it every day and that's it. To become better there is a lot of studying also involved and many methods and habits to be picked. But that is a topic for another time.
When it comes to how to get motivated, as I said, I don't have a real answer. There are some things however that motivate me and inspire me to do stuff. And the first one, probably the most common and unsurprising, is looking at or consuming other people's work. That doesn't just refer to drawing or art. I got this urge to write quite a lot of times after reading some good literature. There is one book that comes to mind that you could also probably relate to, and that is "Waterways" by Kyell Gold. The book didn't originally inspire me to write, other books did that, but it is still an important book to me. It showed me a different side of life that I am currently exploring, but that too is a topic for another time. And that very thing that the book "showed" me kind of motivated me to maybe change some of my old habits and try my hands on something new. I still didn't finish the book, nor have I read it for quite a while now, but I'm still hoping to finish it and read some of his other work.
I guess this whole journal thing is some sort of therapy for productivity and "gaining motivation". It does take up some time (especially checking the grammar or spelling of my journal) and that forces me to reconsider my activities during the day so that I don't break the promise I made (for the whole world to see). It makes me want to become more efficient in my other tasks during the day so that I could write the journal.
I guess that's it for this one. I don't know how helpful it is or if it is helpful at all, but at least I wrote the journal, so... yeah. I could always write another journal on this topic and maybe enrich the material on which I based this journal.

Second week in, and I'm already doing a bad job at keeping up with my upload schedule for my journal. I guess it isn't all my fault, since the winter holidays are over and school has started again. But it also is, because I could have written it several hours ago, yet I chose not to. I really am a great procrastinator. Speaking of procrastination and upload consistency, I wanted to write about motivation regarding doing art and other things in general. However, it seems I might not have enough time to do it. I have uploaded my first actual post here on FA and I also hope to do it regularly. I do plan to write about the mentioned topic in my next journal and I hope it might help any reader that comes across my page.

See you till next week.

Since I don't upload any of my content here (yet), I decided to write journals, as some sort of input to my FA page. I hope to be consistent with them since I lack consistency. I will strive to create journals every week (starting from today) and will do that for an entire year. That means, if my calculations are right, that my page will have 52 journals on the 8th of January of 2023.
To the question of what am I going to write here - I don't know. I guess writing things related to FA and the furry community in general, some of my thoughts, and maybe something from my life that I feel is worth sharing. I will be also writing journals even if no one reads them mainly because of my mentioned consistency problem; I'm going to try solving that with my weekly journals. And I also want to practice my writing skills in a way that other people can also judge them (so feel free to correct me).

I guess that's it for now. Also, happy New Year to everyone who might be interested in reading this. I know it's seven days late, but considering that I wanted to start writing journals on the 1st of January, I think it's still appropriate and, after all, not too late.