I never had a good time at the dentist; I used to have very bad brushing habits, to the tune of 'what's the point, nobody likes me' (I had a sucky social childhood; videogames were my friends), so I did not care for my appearance, or my teeth, so of consequence, my teeth are forever weak, and I had alot of metal fillings. Plus some bad dentists, I was very depressed about it, so it was a big boost for me when I went to Poland and pretty much got every metal filling taken out and replaced with resin tooth-look-alike-- for about $1,000 US, for quite alot of fillings. I've gotten alot better, but my teeth will remain weak for the rest of my life.

Then, because I was too old, I was no longer eligible as a dependant under my dad's work's dental insurance (which was really good and gave us pretty good rates). I didn't take advantage then to have extractions, and insurance ran out, when both of them (I only have them on the tops, not the bottoms).

I managed to find another insurance because Costo can provide, in California, dental insurance for their Exectuive Club members, which I have, through my mother. It's not as good as the other one, but obviously alot better than nothing.

Then a lower molar cracked-- I've gotten, both by choice and nececcisty, a few crowns done, all molars if I remember right, and one of the few that remianed had so many fillings that the tooth crown was pretty busted, but also didn't take advantage of it because the dentists said there was little to no room to do it (because a very early metal crown just above it had moved downwards).

Well, finally got around to getting insurance and a dentist, and after an exam where they pulled +$4,000 out of somewhere, I managed to take care of the immediate of
1) the two wisdom teeth that had began to hurt, $160 total--- with gas would have been another $84, but I decided to forgo it. Sicne it was pretty 'standard procedure' extractions, I have not even bothered taking any pain killers besides the supra-novocaine (whatever it was) that they injected with me there at the dentist (I try to advoid sedatives when I can: in the case of the gas; expense. And for novocain; dislike of needles and the lingering numb feeling, which made me feel horrible in youth about how expensive it was to take care of me)
2) the cracked molar, $350 prep, and another $350 when the crown comes--- which will prolly be forced to wait untill after thanksgiving holiday, unless it comes early and an appointment time opens up
and also:
3) I apparently have early stages of gingivitis, mostly due to not having my teeth cleaned at a dentist in over a year, plus apparently my flossing skill (which I had been doing... but unfrequently; mostly only when I felt something stuck, and on whim perhaps 2-3 times a week to every other week) isn't as good as it should be, so I need to get a deep cleaning of my whole mouth, which is $320 basic procedure, plus they want $40 more per tooth for a bunch of teeth they want to put some kind of antibiotic in. I talked to them, and they say 'it won't be as good, but it'll be a huge step in the right direction' if just the deep cleaning (which I think they let slip that novocain is reccomended for) but not the antibiotic.

Coming to about $1,180 jsut this month, plus they said there's several other teeth they not also want to crown, but recrown, and I imagine that's where the other $3,000 they first showed me is, though obiously I already took a chunk out of that, plus I think there's a few miscounts they ddi, because they kinda overwhelmed me at the first appointment, so I gotta see what they meant, now that I got the stuff I realy needed to take care of done first.

Well, I mentioned some crowns I already have were by choice? (well, to the extent that I felt I had to, or they'd break like this molar did) I believe I can get alot cheaper, as one of the by-choice ones was done in Mexico, in 4 days flat, durring a vacation to visit my grandmother in Tijuana, to a dentist that was just down the road from her home, and that one turned out pretty good--- since these are all molars, I don't mind they're not as... 'streamlined' or high-end in appearance, since that's not how I smile (ie; rarely would anyone see my molars, so as long as it's not a metal color, I'm good).

To make a long story short; I had some immediate problems that're costing me now, but ugently needed to be done since it was causing trouble; before, I hesitated because they were expensive (but less expensive than now, tho), but at least I'm getting them done.
So I don't have to burden myself with too much at once, I'll wait untill at least this important batch of extraction (done, but waiting for the holes to heal), the crown (the setup complete, just need to install the crown), and the deep cleaning (which will be the same time as the installation, but dunno how itself will go, nor how much effect it'll have without the reccomended antibiotic) is complete before addressing the other stuff. I hope to do what I can for cheaper elsewhere, but we'll see.
For now, I just wanna heal from the exrtactions.

I know others (and have friends that) have worse teeth and insufficent/no insurance, but I have alot of anxiety problems about my teeth, due to all the pain that..... ultimatley, was my own fault, due to the small mistake of not brushing enough-- a mistake that I can't take back, besides by (my parents) paying so much money and me enduring so much pain.

Hey, just wanted to get my last depressing journal off the front; and for anyone who's now sober after  crystalmendrilia 's Bash yesterday: Hi!

And really really depressed about it.

I haven't made any real friends within college-- save for one, that ended badly because she didn't want to love me. Plus the other this past month, too, same thing.
I'm upset that I'm now 25, never had a girlfriend, and most of my friends ever, especially all of them now, are only online.

I feel that the hard-wired obligation that being family has to be with each other is not what I need in terms of company; thus, I feel alone even if with family. THe honest truth is I'd rather be with friends than family-- if I had any friends.

I consider a real friend is someone I (would) see on a regular basis, someone who makes time to share time with each other. When I chat or IM or Comment online to friends.... it's only that; a line of text on a screen, unsatisfying. I shouldn't have to schedual a vacation to see a friend.

I'm starved for physical contact, so I want to get close. When I got too close, that's supposedly the 'one thing' that scared both of those girls off. Dunno if same for all the other girls I only got so far as a chat at the cafeteria and giving them my info--- of which, they never use to reach out to me.

I tried that, i tried through dating sites, craigslist, facebook, to either find a mate or a friend, and rare is the spark I seek that could give me what I want, if they ever had the gumption to step outside their cliques and unrealistic expectations.

I'm a 25-year olf college graduate, dunno if I'll ever be on a campus again-- esepcially at this age, plus how old I may be if I ever do go to another universty or grad school or something, when it might/will be creepy for me to be so old compared to-what, 18-19 year olds? One more reason for them to not want to interact with me....
And all thsi time has passed me byw ith no real friends to show for it, only a broken heart and bitter memories and feelings of neglect and resentment.

I've had the hosue to myself for lenghts of time before, during school, and now I am afriad that's what the rest of my life is gonna be; alone at home, only going out to work and errands, friendless.

I don't feel so good...

Here; I can prove that a Christianity teaches a lack empathy, and breeds self-centeredness, with simple algrebra.
Christian's thought process: "athough I am eating alone tonight" comma "many children will die of starvation tonight" therefore "I am blessed!"
Now, let's look at it at an non/empathetic manner; by definition; the focus of thought on which set of beings; ie; "I am" = 1 and "many" by variable "N"
1 + N = 1
-1       -1
      N = 0
Thus, Christian thought is a selfish lack of though for others.

Last night I deampt I was Twilight Sparkle;

Rarity had apparently been experimenting with dream magic, and noticed there was someone attacking people through overly vivid dreams to make them exhausted and worn out, and asked 'me' to see what I could do about it. I, in the real world, kept waking up because what "I" saw in the dreamtime really was overstimulating, but I kept falling back asleep into the dream, trying to work out all these kinds of puzzles and scenarios to break up the dreams.

"I," Twilight, realized that it wasn't Rarity, but whoever was attacking that sent the message, and was able to start shunting out the dreams and finally stop them, as it seemed Fluttershy was nearly having anxiety attacks from it all, and Rarity was only the first victim.

Confound these ponies, they drive me to write fanfics... fandreams? It was lucid dreaming after I got it under control, but still.

Watched "Human Centipede"

Hated it, hated it, hated it, hated it!
It's a gross-out film for stoners and frat boys, at best. It's not "so bad it's good" like Plan 9 From Outer Space- it's "SyFy Origional" terrible. The pacing is boring, the characters are the farthest from sypathetic, likeable, or intelligent, and of course, in no way does it ever answer the question of "FUCKING WHY?!?".

"Human Centipede" is not like "a shit that took a shit that took a shit".
This film is if Uue Boll took a shit, and that shit raped people.
Raped babies.
Rapes Jewish babies.
All of them.
To death.

Yeah, sure, you can argue ages for if someone 'deserves' death.

I can argue about how blind Abrahamic faith makes one evil, crazy, and/or just plain stupid.

I propose to you; the complexity of Al-Quadea and it's attacks is a testament to his relative intelligence, charisma, and lucidity.
That, he knew, and often welcomed, violent warfare against him, and was prepared to fight.

Ergo:
BITCH SAW IT COMING

I wish I didn't *have* to eat.
I mean, like, it takes up a good chunk of the day to prepare, eat, and clean up. And if you *don't* eat, you get tired and lethargic. And when I cook, it's usually bigegr servings, so I usually have pots n pans that don't fit in the dishwasher. Plus, since I took in that whole bit about 'eat all your food,' 'starving kids in africa' stuff, I have a habit of eating everything I cook within 24 hours, 'bumping it over' into the next meal--- I think it possibly is better economically, and maaaaaybe better health-wise to learn to have and store leftovers.
Don't get me wrong, I love to cook and eat, but I'd like it if I'm busy, I could ignore it and not be distracted, without the phsycial consequences of... y'know, not eating.
Same with sleep, a little, that I could still eat and sleep for the pleasure of it, but didn't *require* it so cyclically and taking up so much of my time.

You realize you're playing on a Nintendo game, right?

If you and I wanted to play some fighting game that invovled <<^v>-HkkKP or similar controll BULLSHIT, there's plenty on literally any console ever.
Or, we could play something with simple controlls, like "tilt the stick", "press the button", and "tilt the stick while pressing the button."

When we play Mario Kart, we're loving/dreading the Blue Shell. If we're winning, but we get hit with it, we take it like a good bitch and move the fuck on.
If I wanted to give a fuck about torque, RPMs, or chassis design, we'll play Daytona or something. Again, literally, any other console.
But I'd much rather not have to pretend to be doing something realistic; I want to HAVE FUN doing CRAZY SHIT.

If you could turn off items in Mario Kart, would you take away half of the fucking gameplay mechanics (and FUN) by turning it off???
THen why the fuck are so many of you bastards incabable of playing without turning off the items in Smash Brothers!?!

If magic existed, it'd be a bigger break of physics if words were invovled, since that would suggest the physics of such a universe would be inherintly in that language, esepcially since such a univers would have to have those physics in place from the Big Bang, eons before said language was even invented, and perhaps even then, additional magic along the line of psyonics would have to be involved.

Therefore, if there's a universe where magic of some kind exists, it'd prolly be more along the lines of Airbending.

Therefore, M Night Shamalamaham couldn't make a belivable film in ANY reality.

Mah barfdee! *doot-dee-doooo!*

Hmm, good song for my turning 25; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKQAtwymRPw

yaaaaaaaaaaaay

I..... [whisper]like the cartoon.....[/whisper]


You know the one....

*big, wet, drooly lick*

Classes almost done for quarterrrrrr
So much to doooo
Some of it tedioooooooooous
I'm apathetiiiiiiiiiiiic
Mostly tiiireeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
Hard to focuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus
Por queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~?

When a class, where you usually do stuff, ends up being a lecture day, or presentation day where you sit around for 1-2 hours doing nothign waiting for your turn to do a 5 minute presentation.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKI'm bringing books with me more often, since a DS is kinda too obvius

Once upon a time, next to Bill Gate's ass cheek, the ink forming George Washington's face became sentient.

Well, thought the lips, this is intresting. I'm ink. And my purpose is to be lips. Interesting how I am chemically optimal for depicting lips.
And look at that! There's more ink! They're chemically similar to me, but they depict other facial features. Hello, Nose! And what's all this fiberous stuff, quite astounding; linen, cotton, other stuff-- paper, is it? And it's so happily bonded to me. My my, isn't that something.

And-and--- amazing, what's that darkness all around me! It's huge and so different! I can't tell where it begins and where it ends! What shay you, chaps? Walla? Wally? Wallet? Yes, that's the ticket; we'll call it a wallet! Where are we, anyways? In a pocket? An my word, what is that warmth? Ohh, how it comforts me... Bill Gate's Ass Cheek! Wow! What a loving and wonderful being, to have made the wallet, paper, and existance, out of love, just for us.

The eye had been listening (he's friends with the ear), and had managed to develop techniques to accomplish what he could not do, like blink rapidly to mimic speech: Wait, wait a tic; what was that?

The lips replied; well, I was just saying, how improbably well-suited for our existance must this wallet and paper be for our existance. Logic dictates that the wallet and paper and pants were created with us in mind. And I can feel all this warmth of Holy Bill Gate's Right Ass Cheek.

Wait a minute, said the eye; how is that at all logical? Also, it's a "Holy" now? And right ass cheek? I think this bloke is left-handed, for starters...

But of course. After all, he MUST be right, not wrong; because if he was not right, then how and why did the Allmighty Ass create us?

Now hold on, on what evidence do you assume that we were created by such an ass?

Well, can't you just feel His warmth, and know, in your Ink of Inks, that he radiates that warmth just for us, just as we Inks were created in George Washington's Image, as we were, not to long ago?

Alright, now that is patently ridiculus; where do you get that we were blown out of His Ass "not too long ago" here?

Well, I don't see any evidence of any of us Inks being more than a few years old, nor do I remember anything before being next to the ass, nor being anything else before being ink. Therefore, the Ass Pull happened, therefore, Allmighty Sphincter created us! Praise be to the Ass!

Look, I can see pocket lint from here, what may be a jolly rancher, and a 1945 penny; yes, our date says 2010. Clearly, the penny and oruselves have some kind of relationship in our past--

WHAT?! THat's disgusting! How can you even say such a thing?! Do you think we were metal before? And that's Lincolin; euuuuuuuuuuuuugh! The one true image is Washington!

No, not directly before us, but what we represent must have been metals, perhaps other things of subjective value, and we might've ended up becoming ink on paper, selectively because it's easier to carry paper than money--- plus, look! I can see other dollar bills; Jefferson, Lincolin's a five, ect; what makes you think it was specificaly George Washingon's image is the "one true image?"

HA! So you DO think we were metal that JUSt became paper and ink! How can you not understand that the Ass specifically designed us and inteded all of us to be George Washington, and live in His Pocket?

Well, for one thing, the ear's been listening to the outside, and it seems that this Bill Gates is not just an ass, and also but one of many beings, and that we are but one of billions of dollars this guy has, so why should he care specifically about one blotch of ink on ONE dollar- and if the numbers are anything to go by, not a particularly valuable dollar at that- OR think that the wallet and the pants were created JUST for us on this one dollar?

HEATHEN! How dare you! Do you want to be Lost in the Couch Cushion for all eternety, even after you get put in the washing machine and disingtergrated?

..... what.

Clearly, all the Ass wants us is to follow in his Windy Ways and praise him, so that our eternal, unending souls may one day be conveted into the Euro. You can take your "theory of evilnomics" elsewhere- us belivers know the one TRUE way act is to join and promote Asshole-ism!

And then Bill spent the dollar on gum.

Bukakke and spoogie stuff - hentai especially panders this to me, since biology is ignored for the same of (techincally) absurd money shots and gallons of cum. As to why; hard to say. Problably just taking the normal gooeyness of sex to the extreme, the desire for (giving) more, the flood.

Tentacle rape - along the same lines as bukakke and spoogie, especially since this one is almost always with the other, for the same reasons; giant penis-metaphors penetrating every hole, pouring in buckets of hot sticky semen.... erhm, aheh. ^^;;;
(and just to be clear: actual, IRL rape (outside of a pre-arranged RP scenario, ect); never. Would not, could not harm someone I love.)

Dominant - I tend to be dominant in sexual situations, so if I could do the above, I'd be more for doing it to another than having it done to me.

Overall, there's something visceral, almsot to the point of being grotesque, that appeals to me about it.

Catgirls, furries in general; easy to explain. The cuddliness of animals, especially cats, who're usually in the mood for pettings and physical affection: a human(oid) female who acts the same way? Hook me up, yo!

A bit more tame: hands - the act of touching, and being touched, the sensitivity in ones's fingertips.... *shivers with delight* hands are sexy.
hair; long, silky, luxourious- prolly same reasons as the cat thing; calming to touch
eyes - contradiction; being very shy, I have a hard time looking into people's faces to begin with... I suppose it's a trust thing: I trust and love you, I can't help but want to see your eyes... possibly to reassure myself that you won't betray that trust.... too bad it's hard to tell when someone is lying, even myself to myself.

Ass or tits? Tits, no question. I love 'em huge. No, I don't care if implants or not.

Absolutley Nots:
Vore and Guro - I've heard arguments that it is hypocrytical when put against my tentacle rape fetish, to hate it... except these arguments tend to be as well structured as a Creationists' argument. I put these two together, because I note most vore fetisists make explicit detail about being digested and pooped out- ie; killing and being killed. Uhm: ew. Also; Ed Gein much?

Scat/Watersport (pee stuff, if you don't know)/vomit - ewwww. Though, at least this one, I can understand (unlike the guro/vore stuff); it's about submission/domination and humiliation. At the very least, the people who like this crap (I C WUT U DID THAR) can defend it intellectually. It jsut ain't for me.

OK, so, I got my computer, mostly for porn, and back when we had only one, I had to hide my pron really well; obviously, this is easier.

Then, --

well, the family's first was a desktop, back in the dialup days.
Then I got a laptop for my 18th birthday, which lasted a few years, then when we got high-speed, wifi was still a myth, so it had to be cat-5 cable. And the modem had only one slot, and apparently, there's only so many times you can switch the wire between computers before it starts to be a bitch, then you have to do this thing in cmd and ipconfig. Then, apparently, there's a limit on that, too. So, we got wifi. Early wifi, so if someone used the cordless phones, knocks it right out. Also, if we were both on at the same time, it'd get knocked out. Several years of that crap, new phone that promised it wouldn't do that fucking shit again, except once or twice I swear it did (possibly also the fucking microwave, for fuck's sake).

Then, december, this whole shitfest of days without internet, talked our ISP into providing a new modem, with wifi (previously having the one-slot modem to a wireless router, so more parts, more to go wrong; see previous note about "both computers online at same time, internet dies"). They sent us two, for some reason (in the same box, no less). We were told the account would be waived by crediting our account the price of the new modem, making it effectively free. Then we get a bill for the modem, at a different price than what I was told.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, yesterday, before class, it goes out again, and I JUST got back online, after hours fo calls and turning the thing on and off.


Cuz I noticed something for every freeze-up, every time I call: after they suppsoedly do theri tech-support thing (Version, FYI), it takes several hours before whatever they do on their end to take effect and my internet to come abck, as it did this time.

.... and EVERY FUCKING TIME it freezes in the first place, it's my dad who gets online and knocks the whole fucking thing out. Never my mom, though she's more likeley to visit sites that'll spambot the computer "me and him" (my dad) got for her (in effect: I did the shopping, he paid, and it's intended to them to use--- before, they had a laptop dad's work provided for him; they wanted a biggger screen, for starters).

Every. Single. Time: he causes it to fuck up. >_<

 jtigerclaw,  katalina, and you too  dorallizard

Thanks so much, guys. You helped me in so many ways. Thank you. =3

I am the forget-me-not you toss aside after your attention withers.
I am the ghost hidden in your memories.
I am that movement you only see out of the corner of your eye.
I am that glint you never got around to checking.
I am the "just another" to your day.
I am the unnoticed, the inconvenient, the marginal.

To your perception, I am nothing more than that.

You're a fucking moron.

Intteruptions (like the phone rinigng when I'm busy).
The texture of, specifically, onion and tomato chunks.
When my feet feel damp because I've been wearing shoes all day.
If my hair gets oily because I haven't had a chance to shower.
Wind blowing hair in my face.
Dome of the Rock. I dunno why--- it's not even the fact that it's a religious building, soemthign about JUST the architexture I find to be artistically hideous.
When I forget I have a pot of water on the boil, and it dries (double if it marrs the pot).

Hmm, which would get more use at a furry convention? A dildo, or a DSi?
(note: I don't actually own a dildo.... or a DSi T-T)

(DS, yes I do)

Can I hitch a ride? RIght now, 50/50 for going. I'm in Santa Barbara, and I offer nahms and turns driving (if auto, and not stick)

Details:
Location: about 90 minutes north of LA
class before: Thursday, ends at 4PM
class after: monday, begins 5 PM