Good morning and Happy Halloween, everyone!

Do you have any spooky plans or magical mischief lined up for today? I pulled a total last-minute crunch and finished my Rumi costume from K-Pop Demon Hunters just in time! I’ll be out handing out candy with my friends... they’re rocking the other two members, so we’ll be a full trio of demon-slaying idols tonight!

Whatever you’re up to ... trick-or-treating, haunting parties, or cozy movie marathons ... I hope your night is filled with fun, frights, and lots of treats. Stay safe, stay spooky, and have an amazing Halloween!

I haven’t posted here in ages… coming back feels like unsealing a time-worn crypt. The air is thick with memories, the ghosts of what once was whispering from the corners. The world outside continues to turn, relentless, a carousel of motion and color... yet I remain here, motionless, as though my soul were caught between heartbeats. Everything slips past me like sand through skeletal fingers, the weight of time dissolving before I can hold it. I reach out, but there is nothing left to grasp... only the echo of what I once thought I could keep

The one constant that still offers me solace is the written word. When all else withers and decays, writing remains... a trembling candle in the dark. So perhaps this shall become my sanctuary, a place to spill the restless thoughts that haunt me. Perhaps they will mean something, or perhaps they will fade into the void, forgotten as all things are in time.

I often dream of writing a book... of stitching my soul into paper and ink, leaving behind something that breathes long after I am gone. If I am to accomplish anything in this brief and flickering life, let it be that. For myself. Just once, perhaps I can create something that does not abandon me.

Kick up the gear.
It won't be long now.

Sights lined up, but the rifle felt too light, not as heavy as she had remembered. Was this new upgrade in her arm that much of a difference? She pulled the bolt, no rounds in the chamber, none ready to be loaded from the magazine. Of course. She smiled to herself. Had she really expected a full magazine from a maintenance routine? Ah well, the song had already started and there was no stopping it now.

Rifle turned slightly, stock facing the enemy as the first feline soldier stepped through the doorway. She hated cats. Their weaponry similar to her own, her scanners picked up that their magazines was usable in her own rifle. Sleight of hand had always been a thing she was good at, she was very fast, but the past weeks had presented no chances in using it.

A soldier through the door, a swift hit with the stock left him disorientated as she dropped her rifle to hang free from the sling. Hand on the magazine, she released it and pushed the bolt back, emptying the chamber. Now recovering, the soldier took aim at her and pulled the trigger. But she had always been fast. A single click made it clear to this feline what had happened as she loaded his magazine into her gun and chambered a round. Another pull of the trigger, no clicks but a loud bang as the soldier fell with a bullet in his chest. Surge of liquid inside her coolant, the shell made a soft ping as it hit the floor. A burst of gunfire aimed towards the female canine now, it covered the wall next to her with holes as she prepared her own assault.

Adrenaline mixing with dopamine, she rushed into the hallway and opened fire; several bullets struck her vest as she ducked to take cover. The hallway had several sections that had allowed the blast doors to seal her in, now providing cover. Double-edged situation, it was as much cover for her as it was for the enemy, and they outnumber her team by large amounts, hard to keep track on the exact amount, more could be on the way. She grit her teeth, "Fuck."

System still tapped, she looked around for anything that might help with the situation. The doors were out of reach, but the light switches were unprotected.

Kill the lights and make use of the shadows, yes, that was it. She moved to the other side of the hallway while the lights were out and mapped the enemy positions. Four on each side, two more behind them keeping watch on their backs. A green glow as the soldiers activated their night vision specs and started moving forwards, the female Akita braced her blade.

Trap set, she cut across the first soldiers upper body, spinning him around the blade that suddenly protruded from her left arm was hot and glowed a dull red and now passed through this enemies armor like a hot knife through butter. She retracted that blade, it folding back in on itself till it clicked back into her left arm, she took grip of the rifle and fired into the darkness, the muzzle flash lighting up the hallway as shells rained down to the floor below.

Blindly firing resulted in one soldier falling; second one taking a few hits to his body armor. Not a lethal shot, just enough to be cruel, the enemy stumbled back before taking aim once more, his SMG did little against the Kevlar core of her Syntech jacket as she closed in to swoop his leg with her own, sending him to the ground. As he was down, this canine fired two shots into his helmet, piercing both the visor and his skull.

Silence around her now as her ears twitched, the remaining soldiers had pulled back. Fresh magazines from the fallen soldier along with a lone flash-bang grenade. "Delicious." She said to herself as she collected these things. A new magazine in the gun, the stock against her shoulder as she took cover against the next door. Lights beyond the door were on as several unknown signals passing around the airwaves.

“Akira, how’s it going?” The voice of her husband could be heard, pressing into her ear piece.

“Still breathing, it looks like they sent the heavy resistance on that side.” She shifted her weight slightly.

“Good. Don’t get yourself killed, you hear me?” She smiled when she heard him speak, and she gave a slight nod.

“Loud and clear.”

She would inhale. "Breathe in and face the music."

Rifle places against the door frame, she was careful but she counted seven targets. Three riot officers with shields facing her, a squad of normal soldiers behind them, armed with SMGs and shotguns.

“Target in sights, engaging.” She said, her voice low.

Rack of a shotgun, the pellets passed by her shoulder as she fired a burst into the shields. Too heavy to punch through with the rifle, but there was one tool that would tear their wall down. Rifle back on the sling with one fluid motion, She drew her handgun and prepared the flash-bang.

Pin out, she dropped it through the door and waited for the bang. A faint yell about a grenade and a few cuss-words as the thing went off and blinded the soldiers on the other side for a moment; she turned herself out of the doorway and lined up her sights. Change of plans, the shots from the handgun in its normal state were only enough to knock the shields back, but counting down the seconds, she still had time.

Empty clicks from her handgun, she holstered it and drew the rifle. She crouched a moment, before leaping. A quick fox jumped over the lazy dog, wasn't that how the saying went? She landed between the shields and soldiers. Quite unwieldy for combat this close, she took down one of the riot units before the normal soldiers regained their focus. Another shotgun shell spent, a solid electric slug fell to the floor as it failed to secure a connection against her armor. That heated blade deployed and split along the side of her arm, she threw a punch at one of the soldiers and dropped him, coolant and blood flying as she pulled the blade back from him.

A heavy punch at the back of her own head, calibration knocked off balance, shoulder back to the target standing behind her. She remained silent, her eyes getting back to focus, she opened the locks on the soldiers helmet and ripped it off, placing her hand on his neck and combining two minds in the non-programmed way. Knife from his belt, into the closest target, directly in the shoulder, adrenaline flowing throughout her own systems, a handgun scavenged into her hands as she took down one more shield unit.

Bashing her with the shield, the final shield unit managed to knock the female canine off her feet. Standing over her now, he planted the shield down to the floor and drew a baton from his belt. Backing herself up to get back up, the enemy managed to land a few hits on her legs before she pulled herself off the floor.

Looking cocky as ever, the shield unit taunted at her as the enemy placed his wall back up. Electric weapon at his hand and several conductors on his vest, trying to cut him would likely send a burst of electricity through herself.

She needed a plan, needed one where she could limit contact with that vest, bullets would work. She pulled her handgun, grabbed the empty shells and threw them towards the shield, dashing herself after them and loading new ones into the gun. A slight flinch from the soldier as she landed her boot against his shield, knocking him back, the shield now out to his side.

Spin the cylinder, one shot and the trooper fell to the floor.

Adrenaline spent, she caught her breath and reloaded the rifle. Such a shame to leave a shotgun behind, but she had no space for extra shells but hell, 8 shells was still quite enough to cause chaos.

Full tube of shells and 4 extra on the side mount, it would have to be good enough for now.

"Right, keep calm and focus, need to regroup with Sion and find a way out, good progress so far."

Sudden silence all around, no voice over her radio, just as it had always been.
Pump-action, back in the game.

"We are getting out of here, one way or another."

Hey, look. I made it. I made it through another year. Look how far I've have come. Oh, I am so proud of me. I think that is the first time I have ever said that. I made it through every heartbreak, every bad day and every bad thought. I took care of myself when I hit rock bottom and tried to mend my own wounds. I may not feel like it but I have healed so much. I have grown and recovered so much. Look at me now. I am still breathing, my heart is still beating and I am still fighting. I am still here, trying to find life’s deeper meaning, trying to find my purpose. I promise that I will be okay. I will find my purpose, I will find more reasons to stay alive and I will find more love. 2020 is going to be good to me, I need to be good to myself as well. I need to learn to not be too hard on myself, I need to take it slow and be gentle with my heart. Just because it is a new year, does not mean my wounds have healed. I must go slowly. But I need to remember that healing, recovery and love await me. Maybe not on 2020. But sometime.

Hating myself did no good to me and so now I'm going to try loving myself and see if it works.

Today I read something that said "Someone who overthinks is also someone who over loves" and I felt that shit.

By ourselves we were happy and life was fine. But my god, I swear everything around me got brighter and every burden lighter, all the things I already loved a little better, . just at the thought of you loving me too.

And I’d give you the world, if only you would let me.

I never realized I missed you until I found you…like you should have been there the whole time.

Like nothing ever mattered before you and nothing is going to matter after as long as it's you who is with me.

My missing puzzle piece.

It makes me happy to think that someone out there sees me as a yellow, warm light that touches his skin early in the morning to remind him of the love I am holding using both of my hands, ready to pour everything whenever he's happy or at ease. it's comforting to know that no matter how chaotic my insides are, I am a warm light to someone and I will slowly learn how to love myself more than how I love the people around me. That even if I learned how to love others before loving myself sincerely, I will get there. I will be okay. I will be able to do it.

"I’ve been dying to let out everything that’s in my heart.” she said. “But I am terrified that I might spill too much. Because if that happens, then, I couldn’t make it stop. And I could never take it all back."

Am I too much?

I didn’t know hope could be a person.

It's National Novel Writing Month!
I can't commit to writing a novel just yet, but feel free to enjoy my random writings as I try to post more during the month of November.

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~




And I loved him the only way I ever knew how, with my whole heart.
It's been this way, for years.

At first it was fleeting, only a thought.

I was frustrated, frantically trying to explain my thoughts, my feelings.
I was rambling. I was stammering.

"You love him."

What?? No.
I don't love him.

I'm not capable of such an emotion.

I hadn't loved anyone in years, every relationship was a failed attempt, a push or a shove to try and attempt to be normal.
You are supposed to want to have a partner, you are supposed to want to love someone, to feel it.

The truth was, the last person I ever truly loved left a gaping wound in my heart, and when she died there's been a hole in the shape of her for many years and there was no way that feeling could ever be replaced.

Humans are unbelievably complicated.
They love you, but they also do many things to hurt the ones they love.

I had given up on trying to force that emotion, I didn't love any of these men.
I kept telling myself, it will come.
One day you'll wake up and you'll love them, and you'll feel it and you'll know it in your heart.

I never felt it, all I felt was loneliness,
It's an odd feeling, to be surrounded by your friends, or on a date and feel completely and utterly alone.

I'm not sure when it happened, but it did.
You've been here for so long and one day I realized, after telling myself I didn't...

I did and I had all along and I still do.

And I love him the only way I know how, with my whole heart.

And suddenly all the love songs were about you.

The thing about love is you can’t control it.
You just wake up one day and realize you’ve fallen so far that there’s no way you’ll ever want to climb back up.
Even when the heartbreak hits, a part of you still wants to keep freefalling and delay that brutal climb back to pick up the pieces.
Some people get lucky and get to fall forever.
Others spend most of their lives always trying to climb back up.
Those brief moments though while you are freefalling are when you truly feel infinite.

I woke up with the most profound sadness that morning.
Not sure if I know any other feeling but gloominess.

I woke up in a city unfamiliar, I did so out of fear and loneliness.
On the ground lay my insides...
I picked up the courage, determination and forgiveness from that pitiful bloody mess that I had become... To find myself and to discover the truth...

And somehow here I still am...

The color of the weak sunlight that streamed through the broken blinds of my temporary bedroom window, a whitish grey that pulled me into the realm of consciousness slowly and painfully, like water dripping from a faucet.

The rosy hues of my dream, the way that you walked toward me out of a field of golden wheat, faded into a bruising pain. The way you choked out that greeting when you swam into focus, like it had been ripped from you. Like you couldn’t stand to acknowledge that I still existed, or that I existed at all... representing what I represented. Reminding you of what might have been, and what we’d both become instead.

Nothing.

And I faced you, steeling myself for your presence. As you took form in the mist of my subconscious, I wanted to color you in angry reds or bright pinks. Cast you as the heartbreak villain, turn you into a caricature of yourself. Angry and desolate and reaching out to hurt because he was afraid of not fitting in.

Nothing but loneliness, destitute in your thoughts. You want to get better but don't you dare let anyone in, not me, not your therapist, but Jesus Christ not me, never me. We weren't supposed to be, but somehow it happened and now you revoke everything.

There is no future here, but keep giving me strings.

You are the loudest object in the room, living off petty attention to drown out the silence that roared inside.
I wanted to make you a villain.
But all I saw was a man, afraid.
All I felt was a deep, aching melancholy, spreading from my chest outward. Stinging my eyes with its remembrance, and the bloom of a new day.
And I just wanted the nightmare to be over.
And I just wanted to hear you tell me you love me.

There is nothing romantic about destruction anymore. There is no admiration for those who are not willing to get themselves out of the pits they created. There is only something there for who want to create, to build, to rebuild, to break what they hated inside themselves and piece it all again, in a way they wanted it to be, in a way they wished their loved ones would but they never did. Their loved ones were busy piecing themselves together and so these artists, these creators, these new age romantics, they realized it was time to step up for themselves.

Just remember to fall in love; there's nothing else, there's nothing else.

“Loving me will be the biggest mistake you will ever make.”

And she knew this...

And still thoughts and memories of him forced the corners of her lips to turn upwards into the slightest of smiles.


And so she fell in love with him again. She knew that she might not recover from it this time, but it was 4 AM and being back in his presence, she finally felt at home.

It was the only time she felt at home.

“I learned to hold my self longer than I wanted to.”

“I’ve dealt with pain alone, so no one could use my wounds and scars against me.”

But these were her thoughts...
Her heartaches and heartbeats.

” I wish I could make you to understand how it felt to be in my shoes, how it felt to feel all that pain you made me feel. Maybe then you would respect me, maybe then you wouldn’t talk about me like I’m crazy. Maybe, just maybe, you’ve regreted what you have done. ”

-But you don’t want to understand.
-You won't.
-You can't.
-“Because if I could... I would.”

I loved you in all the ways I could never love myself
—  maybe that’s why it was so hard to let go

Akira was embracing her son, and the tears threatened to press at the edges of those blue eyes of her's. She felt the tears swelling, slightly burning there and she closed her eyes tightly and tucked her head down into her son to conceal this, everything was screaming for her to cry, to finally break down and have her moment of release for the pain and torture she had overcome but she needed to be strong for Sion but most importantly her son. Perhaps for the first time her son had felt real fear, when the stranger, the judicator so blindly spoke in front of her son the real threat she was in. Kuen was a smart boy, and Akira knew he must have been frightened, even more upset by the sight of his father's fear that Akira knew Sion would struggle to keep together.

"I'm glad you're back with us, darling." said the female who would take a few steps towards her wheel chair. She recognized her mother-in-law's voice, a soft and caring nature about this older female. She had a way of making Akira feel comfortable.

Her finger's twitched, curled against her son as she inhaled his scent deeply and then lifted her head to look at Diana. Her eyes were slightly watered, but she knew Diana would not judge her. Perhaps a silent moment of understanding passed between them as they looked at one another, Akira wasn't mournful by the thought of possible death, she was saddened by the thought that her son had felt such an immense fear... Something she had never wanted her son to feel.

"I'm glad you're back with us, darling." the female red panda spoke, Diana had a caring and nurturing way about her.

Akira smiled softly, giving a gentle nod. She respected the older female, in more ways then she had possibly ever spoke of. This woman treated her son with such kindness, something she herself had never known from grandparents or blood relatives and she respected this woman as her mother-in-law, even looked to her as a motherly figure of sorts in a world where her own mother was... Lacking.

The female canine cleared her throat, “Thank you so much... I can't appreciate you enough for taking care of him... I can't imagine it was easy.” She said, reaching out to grasp the other woman's hand for a moment, all though brief she would give a tender squeeze before Kuen would selfishly reach up and grab at his mother's arm, and bring it back to his side with a loud grunt.

A true mama's boy, she couldn't help it. Not now. Normally she would have scolded him for being so rude but she wouldn't now, not because she was too exhausted, but he was still recovering from his own mental traumas and she would not scold him, not now.

She lifted her head, tilting it back when she heard Sion's words. She smiled, her son only peeking out to look at his father for a moment before burring his face into his mother's chest with another grunt and a soft sniffle. “It's alright... Baba knows you missed him... Little pup was just a tad frightened.” She whispered, a soft and gentle voice, still audible to both the standing adults.

As Sion and Diana spoke, Akira would cradle her son. Clutching him within her arms, she was pressing her nose into his temple, nudging him, kissing him. Attempting to be a reassuring mother' her own tongue reaching out to softly lick his cheek before she spoke. “Do you want to sleep with mommy and daddy tonight?” She whispered, without even a word to Sion.

Her son looked up, blinking his eyes, and would give a slow nod. “Will mama be safe at home?” He asked her, and this killed her. She swallowed, and then would nod. “Yes, mama will be safe at home. Ghost baba will work extra hard tonight to make sure mama is safe... Your father can assure you that, we can talk about it tonight before bed.”

Her son would give a slow nod.

"Don't ask, please. It's been a day, mom. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. I'm mentally exhausted... I get the feeling all of us want to get some sleep." Sion would say, when his mother would ask him why he was wearing his Syntech dress uniform, the pale garments were so crisp and clean compared to his normal attire.

Akira looked up, the corners of her lips pressing a reassuring smile onto her face while her eyes gave way to how exhausted she had felt. “He got all dressed up for me.” Akira said. “It's nice to be picked up by two handsome men.” She said, pressing her nose into her son's temple in an attempt to draw him up and stop burring his face within her body.

The small pup looked up at his mother, blue eyes large and wide as he looked at her, almost as if he was studying her face before he gave a slight chirp. “Home?”

She would nod, “Yes, my little pup... Home.”

“ Prototype K9-777i online...” The voice of a nearby scientist could be heard, glancing up from his computer screen as the figure of the Akita would raise her head. Blue eyes peered out, blinking for a moment, focusing on the scientist before slowly making their way towards another creature in the room. Another canine, what would appear to be a large Akita. Her head felt heavy, experiencing a form of tightness at the base of her neck.

“Shhhh...” A familiar voice called to her, as if to calm the Akita. Again her eyes flicked towards the large canine, ears flicking as he hushed her. “There was a bit of complication. When we began to attach the cybernetic arm onto the organic tissue... Her nerve endings … The nerves interfering with the subject's pain receptors... Her body wouldn't accept the implant as well as we had hoped for.” She glanced to the Akita as he came close, looking up at her. “What does it all mean?” The Akita spoke, his voice was low.

“She appeared to be in constant pain. We removed the subjects spinal cord in an attempt to fix this problem. Subjects spinal cord was removed and replaced with a cybernetic implant to control her pain receptors, as well as regulate other things in her body such as blood sugar levels and pheromone levels... You understand.” The large Akita was silent for a few moments before he gave a gentle nod. He turned away from the female Akita, and would begin to babble with the human scientist. “Now, you'll allow her to take it easy till she's fully healed?”

The scientist gave a gentle nod. “Yes, we already have her scheduled to guard a young shipment that is going out later this week.” The male Akita nodded, before finally making his way out of the room. “Alright K9-777i... Let's get you dressed.”

OUR BELOVED MONSTERS is a Metal Gear F/anthology featuring illustrations, comics, and prose from 44 artists and authors from around the world. Content rated 16+ for canon-typical violence, language, and some sensuality. All proceeds after production expenses will be donated to the MSF.

DESIGN SPECS:
+ 156 pages
+ full color
+ softcover
+ perfect bound
+ french folds
+ spot gloss

If you do not know what the MSF is... It is Médecins Sans Frontières, also known as Doctors Without Borders, it is an international humanitarian non-governmental organization best known for its projects in war-torn regions and developing countries affected by endemic diseases.

http://ourbelovedmonsters.tictail.com/

Please check out the link, it is all for a good cause.

don’t lose a girl who writes

she’ll describe how you get happy when you talk about the things you love
and memorize your facial expressions

she sees everything through the lenses of poetry
and she’ll never stop writing

you’re probably asleep at 3 am
but she’s awake writing about you
she’ll write about your cute snores and how captivating you look sleeping

don’t lose a girl who writes

she’ll understand how to read between the lines
she’ll understand you better than you understand yourself
she’ll notice the slightest change in your voice and won’t stop asking what’s wrong
she would have read enough books
to know where the situation is heading
and if the relationship is over
you’ll be left with nothing
while she’ll be left with a cruel inspiration of heartbreak

don’t lose a girl who writes

she will write about how
your mouth began to taste like leaving
and your love began to feel like lies

you’ll go from being her everything to
the poison that won’t leave her veins

she’ll live on to be the girl who
saw the world full of detail
while you’ll live forever to be the guy who broke her heart years ago
you’ll be the one who scarred her heart but never the guy who filled it with joy

don’t lose a girl who writes

Sometime earlier this week the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services issued an Interim Final Rule that, if enacted, would impose new restrictions and disclosure requirements on dialysis facilities that assist patients in paying premiums for individual market plans, either directly or through third parties. The rule will take effect on January 13, 2017, unless challenged. :(

What this means for patients with kidney failure... Losing their dialysis coverage could mean losing their life. Insurance companies were just given the ability to drop low-income patients who receive financial assistance to pay their premium.

I can not just stand by and do nothing.
I am only one person, but hopefully by making this post, I can get the word out.

This will have serious negative consequences for thousands of dialysis patients.

Please check out the link below, there is a petition that you can sign in regards to this in an attempt to overturn the final ruling.
Please help me protect dialysis coverage.

I am luckily enough to not have any loved ones, or friends or family who need dialysis... But I do have multiple friends who have mothers and various family members and significant others who dialysis and I want to help anyway I can.

http://dialysiscoverage.com/

Isn't it amazing how you talk all this shit and we still lack communication
How beautiful our kids would be, girl, I don't need convincing
How every conversation starts with "this time will be different"
Oh, the idea is fun, oh, the idea is fun
Oh, the idea is so fun every time
At least we try for home run every time


Swanging, eyes closed just swanging
Same city, same friends if you're looking for me
Same city, same friends if you're looking
I'll be here just swanging
Don't talk to me like I'm famous
And don't assume cause I don't respect assumptions bae
I'm just tryna connect with somethin' baby
Yeah, swanging

That nothing is ever going to change...

I'm finally a real bro
And I get to hang with all my bro friends.
Also...

Noctis falls off a cliff: “Omg Noct careful bby. Jesus Christ.”
Noctis or Prompto get up from their seats in the Regalia: “Boys…boys…SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN!!“ *slams brakes.*
Iron Giant appears: “OMFG NOPE NOPE NOPE! BACK IN THE CAR BOYS, BACK IN THE CAR!!”
Noctis goes low on hp: “IGNIS, IGNIIIIIISSSSS, IGNIISSS HELP ME, IM DYING IGNIISSS!!!”
Noctis dies: “IGNIS, IGNIISS! YOU HAD ONE JOB IGNIS!!”

A few years ago I made these little custom fursonas in a jar out of clay.
If you are interested please let me know!

pics below.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10758614/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10758402/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10758754/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10661162/

I can leave them as little jars or I can make it so you can put it on a necklace or a keyring.

$15.00 (This includes shipping in the U.S.)

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

I don’t know why you’re on this pedestal in my mind.
I don’t know which of the qualities I’m looking for you possess, if any at all.
I just know that, at one point, you made me feel excited, in general, about everything.
And I just can’t forget about that.

GG, America.

Nerf this.

I'm going to sleep hungry tonight...

I'm just too sad to eat.

The world let me down today.