I've been thinking about this for a little bit... Of making a patreon so I can start working on writing and other projects...

I am not sure whether it's wise or not, especially since I don't know whether anyone would actually care or not. I've had funding projects before that kind of died after a bit... so I am ot sure whether or not it would be wise.

What projects am I talking about?

Mainly I have several things I have been looking to do recently, including starting up some youtube videos (there are two different subjects, one on horribly done fanfiction and writing, and one on cooking guides.) writing more independent stories (many I have tried to do recently have been pushed aside to try and work on commissions I really don;t feel greatly comfortable with...) and miniature painting and videos on this as well.

What do people think? I am genuinely curious what people would think about it and whether or not it would be a good idea... Not sure what others would want or what levels/goals would be good... Just trying to figure things out.

It pours....

Mostly just venting so if you'd rather not read about my issues lately I won;t hold it against you.

Just been really depressed the last few days... every time I turn around theirs another issue to contend with.... still waiting on my back pay from SSA.... still trying to get them to fix my supplemental income and stop claiming I get 300 dollars from some mystery source...

Had our power bill nearly double this month from 140 per month to nearly 270... worse part is I am still trying to pay back an unfairly balanced loan I had to take out during Christmas so the bulk of utilities is on me. I basically have about.... 40 dollars to myself this month thanks to this and having to buy gas for rehab and some needed medical supplies that are not covered....

Rehab has been bad recently... haven't been able to go in nearly three weeks due to lack of funds and having to drive nearly 40 miles to get there.... trying to get it switched over to a local hospital instead but no word yet.

On top of this, living here is now a pretty much constant reminder of the fact that I am alone and probably will remain alone until I die in many respects. Two of my roommates are in a very loving relationship that is rather public while my other roommates boyfriend practically lives with us. It just serves to remind me a lot of what I haven't had and probably will never have.... just makes me rather morose more times than not.

Honestly.... just very tired of things at the moment...

Well I got back from my cardiac rehab today and so far I am up to about 30 minutes of intense cardiac exercise per day.

I have lost about 8 pounds so far according to their scales.

Blaaaaaah....

not feeling good and stressing over funds once again..... tired of waiting for backpay and scrambling for anything to help.... just...

Bllllaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I made it home.... the trip was not what i was expecting with some very bad issues coming up with my family.... My sister had kind of a breakdown and ended up distancing herself from the family.

I do not expect people to buy me anything for Christmas (other than my family which still exchanges small gifts) But I have seen this done a lot on here so I figured I might as well.

Most of the things on here are smaller items as the major things I needed are mostly handled at this point. I have enough money to survive marginally and I have health insurance for once so.... yay.

1. (most important at the moment) New Pillows: I am a side sleeper and I tend to run through pillows fast. I have nearly destroyed my current ones so I really need to get a couple new side sleeper pillows. (Cost maybe 20-30 bucks)

2. Steam funds: What games I do play these days tend to be smaller indie games from steam. I also every once in a while still pop on marvel puzzle quest and I could use funds to buy character slots there I guess.

3. warmer clothing; I have found after my heart condition worsened I am no longer very tolerant of cold weather... so far this hasn't been too bad but it's getting to the season.

4. Rifftrax gift cards; The other thing I do for entertainment is watch rifftrax on my pc. I can always use these.

That's about it honestly. If someone did want to get me something for Christmas they could message me on skype or on here for info. Again it's not something I expect honestly.

So I have had a bunch of people wondering lately how I have been doing, so I figured I should post up a longer journal explaining whats been going on in the last few weeks/months/year.

Legal issues: First off some of you might remember that back in January I had some legal issues. What happened was a former workplace accused me of theft, and seeing as I could not afford an actual real Lawyer I ended up having no real defense and being forced into the "deferment" program. This meant I had about a year on probation (or until I had "repaid" what I owed). I managed to get all of this handled and done by July, with everything having been sealed and expunged so I am clear with all of that.

Disability: I have spent the last year unemployed due to my medical issues (especially my heart) and as such I went on disability in August. I am still owed back pay from them and they have still messed up my SSI amounts so their are still issues there.

Current finances: Currently I have enough to pay my rent and bills... just very little else. I am currently very behind on this month as I have bought a ticket home to see my mother (she's 70 and just lost her husband, my Dad, this year so she needs someone home for the season) But I have nothing at the moment to get gifts for her, my sister or my friend Joe. I have put up an ebay auction for a rare golden Mario Amiibo that I owned and I have commissions available of both miniatures and stories if anyone wishes.... The auction is here: http://www.ebay.com/itm/-/252198222469 If you want to help me in some other way.... send me a note and we can see what can be worked out.

Medical: I had surgery in September, on the 12th. I had an ICD placed in my chest to regulate my heartbeat and try and prevent the fainting spells I have had. It has been rough going since I had to spend about a month off of my feet which meant I gained back the weight I had lost... and now I feel very sick/tired a lot. I started Rehab about three weeks ago where I am doing about 2.5 miles every other day.

Mental State: Since the issues in September I have been doing better... things have calmed down and I am not as depressed as usual, albeit I still have my moments.

Midnight is fine lately, bought her a water fountain this week since I have caught her drinking from the toilets and that is very bad for her.

Just letting everyone know this is a part of my attempt to gain money for Christmas gifts this year... Need to drum up some cash somehow. Remember if you like miniatures and figurines I make custom ones and I can paint any you have or purchase from any buyer. I have won several compositions in Las Vegas Nevada before I moved (need to find a new shop here for contests and local players...)

Here's the ebay listing for Mario: http://www.ebay.com/itm/-/252198222469?

I managed to get my part time boss to finally pay part of what he owes me from back in July so I will be going home to Vegas for Christmas. I will be out of commission from the 20th till the 6th of January. May pop on to check things out but I will mostly be MIA.

So, as a lot of you may know I am a pretty big proponent of Mystery Science Theater 3000, a TV show that premiered in 1989 and lasted up into the new millennium having ten seasons over two cable networks and one "UHF" style station.

As some of you who are big on social media might know, recently Joel Hodgson the original creator of MST3K has come out with a new kickstarter campaign to try and revive the show for a new audience, proposing to film 12 new episodes if he can raise 5.5 million dollars for principal production.

So some of you might want to know my thoughts on this...

I'm kind of torn... especially because of some of Joel's comments during the campaign which I really don;t think are appropriate. Throughout the campaign Joel has seemed... very dispassionate about his predecessors work, mentioning only what he did with MST3K and honestly to me acting as if all of the decisions made on the show were his. At no time does he mention the way he left the show (mid season in season five to pursue his acting and comedy career,) his failed revival project (cinematic titanic which he tried to sell as individual copies via the internet and which had a LOT of major problems with production and costs) or his seeming dislike of the very successful Rifftrax company founded by former MST3K host Mike Nealson.

In full honesty I admit I did not like the first season of MST3K as much as any other. I really feel the show only picked up when the major tone of the show changed, when in season 2 Joel handed off the head writing job to Mike Nealson. The decision to try and completely cut out any mention of Mike, Kevin or Bill from the bring back mst3k campaign (other than asking rifftrax to cross promote) is very worrying to me. It seems like Joel does not like the idea of anyone else being involved with the show (I have not even heard his friends involvement yet, with no mention of Trace, Mary Jo or Frank in any of the posts other than in reference to how Joel cast them originally.)

A few days ago Joel released new information, showing off the people he has hand picked to be the new show host, tom servo and crow robot. I have to honestly say, having listened through their "test videos" (the kickstarter promo videos Joel is using) I really find the new voices and comedy style.... jarring. One of the main reasons I love MST3K was the timelessness of a lot of their jokes, the inside comments and little hidden gems they used constantly.... this has been the real secret to Rifftrax's success, and it's where I feel cinematic titanic fell flat. While rifftrax continued common references, inside jokes and used similar timeless comedy... Cinematic Titanic had a bad habit of dissolving into pop culture references, meme humor and "skit" humor of the worst sort (the best example I have is the "chandelier" scene in their premiere episode, where they cover 85% of the scene during several scenes for a joke about Frank not understanding how movies work.... it took too long and was massively distracting.

I know the project will at least succeed in three episodes, and most likely will hit 6 episodes by the end of today's mst3k turkey day marathon (found at mst3kturkeyday.com ) and more likely than not Joel's decision to include Felicia Day as the new mad will probably push them through a full season as she is a darling of internet media (and honestly the only choice so far I think could work well). I will give the first few episodes a shot but... I can;t see this lasting very long.... like Cinematic Titanic before it I kind of expect this to burst for a tiny time and then run dry.

Anyways, sorry to ramble.... if anyone is interested I might post another journal soon with a review of Fallout 4 (from the perspective of someone who has played through the entire series.)

Yeah, I found out that my back-pay will not be sent out anytime soon even though they claimed to have it ready and just waiting on approval. This will leave me roughly 200 or so short since I need to get the tickets before December even if my "boss" does pay me the money he owes me. Just kind of depressed and down now. I tried to get a loan from local friends but that didn't work either.

For those of you that do not know I have been mostly offline for the past week or so. This is primarily because i purchased Fallout 4 last week on the midnight premiere and I have been playing it for a while, however it is also since I spent the last few days fairly ill (including a stint in the hospital to get fluids and anti nausea meds.)

Just letting you guys know.

It's another one of those nights... stuck awake thinking about myself and the future... wanting hope and not really seeing a lot of reasons to.... Kind of depressed and kind of anxious.

It doesn't help that I have gained a lot of weight in the last month and a half due to being forced into inactivity and I feel more ugly then usual.... which is saying something for someone who considers himself close to the elephant man at times.

Sitting here listening to "4 chords" and wondering about life.... odd mix I guess but... murph.

I will be going to MFF later this year as an update. I probably won;t actually attend the con itself, but I have to drop off a motorcycle for  jackthecoonbro's friend. I am going to try and visit an old friend at the same time.

Trying to get my truck painted has been.... an experience.... no one is willing to paint it down here for anything less than 800 so I am going to have to try and do it myself.... I'll keep people updated if I cn remember to...

Just lately feeling... very low and useless/ineffective. Like the old mechanical feeling I used to have... like I am only there to provide funds to people.... otherwise forgotten.

Sorry to bother people.

Every year an artist I am fortunate to know hosts a Gaming marathon for a wild cat rescue organization. The event launched yesterday evening at 11PM and goes till November 1st at midnight.

You can find an image with info and the stream link here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18108627/

The artist is  genesisw

The donation page is here: http://www.little-tales.com/kitties/

I managed to put some into the kitty (haha!) even with my limited funds and I would love it if others could as well.

Just an FYI if people were interested, I finally got the first real payment so it will be processing from now on. I am kind of weirded out by the fact that the payment came as a paper check when they have had my bank for two months now >.>

I worked a deal with my mother. i should be leaving on the 21st for about two weeks. Still have to get the tickets next week or so. I am buying the plane ticket and she is sending me funds to paint my truck in exchange. She wants me home to take care of Spazz and some other issues. At least I won't be alone now.

Feeling very lonely/depressive lately. Everyone else in the house is discussing their plans for thanksgiving and Christmas. Now with the news I have had about all of the social security issues I will most likely be stuck here alone without much funds and kinda just laying about.

Just adds to my lonely feeling lately.

Went to the ER today due to the wound from the ICD (defibulator) today. The wound is fairly infected and I had to get some dressing supplies along with high powered antibiotics.

Really haven;t been feeling well lately as I am still fairly lonely, still fairly depressed and I am going to be very low on funds until SSI may kick in in later months. The next month or so should be fine once I get paid as they owe me some back-pay and I will be getting two disability payments in two weeks due to a schedule change but after November I do not know how I will survive if they continue to make only my social security payments. In all honesty I am just very tired of a lot of things. I wouldn't keep coming online if it wasn't for being goaded by  jackthecoonbro to continue posting what I have been cooking.

Well as some of you know SS contacted me Monday informing me I was not able to receive any back pay and that I would get about 550 a month in SS funds. Today at 8:20 in the morning I got a scheduled call from SSI, the supplemental security income division of social security.

I pent about fifty minutes on the phone with them (actually talking to the man who first took my info waaaaay back in April. I recognized him.) I went through the call expecting them to give me maybe a couple hundred at the end.

Instead they informed me I will receive a payment of about 2300 in the next few days as back pay for how long I had to go without income, and that I was approved for SSI on top of SS income. This means I will more likely than not get more funds on top of the 550.

Things have been much more peaceful over the last week and may continue to be so over the next foreseeable future. I got the bandages off this morning... and everything seems alright. I had one red line night (an obvious one) and everything else seemed alright.

I am traveling to Columbus on Saturday for things revolving around finances.

Still no word from disability.

Also, right now  Kittybird is doing a pre-order for her pwyw commissions. For as little as 10 dollars you get a digital commission from her that will be streamed live on Saturday. I bought one even if I might not be able to attend.

Had another very difficult night... another time where there were issues with the house...

Ben very borderline lately... I am very tired of things and they will not improve in my eyes.

I uploaded five new recipes and foldered all of my gallery.

Theirs five folders, cooking, My horrible attempts at art, commissioned work, writing and miniatures. Go take a look if you would like.

Just letting you guys know whats going on.

Things are the same emotional wise as my last journal... still very depressed and it will most likely upswing tomorrow. I had an old friend get back in contact with me recently and that helps... but I dunno how long his interest in talking to me will last as it's been hit and miss in the past.

The wound is feeling less pained. Down to just using Advil once a day at bedtime. Got all of my meds filled today so everything seems good. Just annoyed with not being able to do much.

Money situation is still really tight. still waiting on my disability judgement as it's going through QA. My Boss has still not paid up for the book deal either or his usual payment so i am rather behind.

As a few of you probably know I have been really down lately...

It mostly goes back to my current living situation... their have been issues yes, but also theirs been developments for one of my roommates that highlights a problem in my own life.

Just been very aware lately that I am on the one hand very alone these days.... few real friends, the ones I do have are very busy or do not want to annoy me.... and basically I spend a lot of time on my own. On the other hand... i am also running out of time really... I may have about ten to fifteen years left in life if I am very lucky at this point. I am basically very unlikely to do anything with the time I have remaining now since my health has decreased to the point that I cannot physically do much....

Both of these lead to the main problem really... I am fairly sure at this point that I will die alone not really achieving much. It's a very sobering thought.... and with it also comes the realization that at this point I am most likely never going to find someone to share even some small piece of time romantically. I understand why.... I am fairly unattractive in appearance, especially with my hair having died out at about the age of thirty... I'm older than most people in this "fandom" and in any fandom I participate in and honestly... ever relationship I have had lately has ended catastrophically.

I'm really not looking forward to being home-bound for the next three weeks. watching a happy couple sitting on the couch discovering one another and realizing that in many ways I have lost all chance. I'm not really someone suited to dating sites.... all of my friends have loved ones already or there's been massive issues that mean we are fairly incompatible in a relationship.... and it's very unlikely that I will meet someone new at this point. The only events I even attend are usually fur cons I am dragged to to be a designated driver.

Kind of just depressed at everything that's happening and realizing it's not going to change.

still in a decent amount of pain today. took the dressing off as instructed and it looks rather ugly. unlike what the doc said its at least a 3 inch incision closed by steri strips. i cant move my left arm quickly, over my shoulder or behind my back for the next 14 days and no lifting anything heavier than five pounds or driving.

I cannot sleep well either... always been a side sleeper and this reduces my sleeping positions to 1.... not comfy. I got about 3-4 hours last night.

I called disability and my case was apparently chosen for quality assurance so I may have it overturned if something was wrong (not sure how) the long and short is I will have at minimum another weeks wait and possibly as long as a month and a half....