Been awhile since I posted an update so here goes:

Job is going well. Its stable and predictable. I pretty much do the same thing day in and day out which is deploy new computers and manage the inventory of the old ones. It's not the most Glorious job in IT by far but I'm getting paid well for what I'm doing, it looks like they want to hire me on FT (is a contract to hire ATM), and I get along mostly with my Team. It also is a very rare Physically Demanding IT job.

Unlike most IT professionals I spend very little time behind a desk. 80-100% of my day I am running equipment around, racking computers, unboxing new ones, etc. Its pretty much the same thing as I was doing at my previous company since Novemeber, and I have noticed myself having more energy as a result (in general, when not fighting the Allergies anyways see below..). I don't have to comit to an Excerize program to stay in shape as I'm moving around for my job - which is nice since my free time outside of work is very precious to me. I have a lot of Outdoor activities I like to partake in (some which provide additional Excersize) and between the Non-Profit orgs I volunteer for and social time spent with Friends I have no time left to go to a Gym even if I felt so inclined...

Which leads me into my TMI topic. Allergies. They've been really bad this year. How bad varies day by day. I've had to call in sick to work once already because they were so bad that I was coughing from flem so bad that I couldn't handle a physical job. Today is about a 6 or 7. My upper sinuses are all clogged up. I have trouble concentrating (albeit I got very little sleep last night too - the Sinus issues aren't helping any) but atleast I am not constantly coughing up stuff as with my worse days.

My health benefits kick in on July 1st. They are the Federal Basic equivalent package however; but its Something till I get converted to Full Time and can opt for something better. First week of July I hope to be able to see an Allergist and get on prescription strength meds if things continue to be up and down with my Allergies as they have in the last two weeks. The over the counter stuff really isn't cutting it this year...

Right when I accepted the fate that I'll be stuck for a few months without work; and have some plans of projects to keep me sane during this period... Fate threw me yet another unexpected curveball.

The other day I had another phone interview. I wasn't expecting anything to come from it. It was through a Recruiter who contacted me about the Job out of Georgia who I suspect is actually in India patched in through the US from a call center in GA. Ugh. I really really hate those. And normally, normally I would have just let it go and ignored it.

However, I decided to humor myself and decided to try to work past the language Barrier and see what they had to offer. Turns out the job they were subcontracting for was for my old employer I walked away from a year ago. But on the Flipside it was a totally different job. Working with a Team instead of Solo, at a Set location rather then having to juggle working 10 different sites at once.

They set me up with a phone interview for the actual manager. Again, I wasn't expecting anything. I was told to call him for the interview at noon. He ended up calling me before I had the chance to call him a few minutes early.

It turned out to be the absolute easiest interview I've ever had, in person or otherwise. The manager said he was eager to get me hired back on since I knew the environment and company already. I learned that I didn't burn any bridges when I left... which is a good thing. He made it sound like the interview itself was just a formality and he would have hired directly rather then go through a subcontractor if he could.

An hour later I got a call from the sub contractor with the offer. The pay rate is decent (which is a rarity for this type of "last ditch" style subcontractor) in the sub-contract period and the manager made it clear that he was looking to fill a Full Time Perm position, not the "Maybe" I got from the opportunity I took to get away from a bad situation.

The company I worked for and left a little over a year ago is not managed locally and the nearest office is in Chicago... so they tend to use subcontractors to hire on their employees who don't have an office in their state. Make sense. Though last time I worked through a local recruiting firm and it was a lot less... Frustrating. I did not have to ask the recruiter to repeat themselves (again because the call was coming from inside the US) and if they had issues with my paperwork I could walk it into the office if I had to. This time... I won't have that luxury.

The most ironic thing to this is that my current local recruiter, or atleast someone from the same consulting company called me AFTER I had already signed a right to represent for the other company about the same Job. It makes me feel bad because I much rather would have given them the contract and it would have been a lot easier to work with. In the end, if it goes full time it doesn't really matter... but... Just Timing. If I had waited one business day later I could have been working with someone from a company I had worked with in the past as the subcontractor rather then taking a stab in the dark with an unknown. Atleast said unknown got me a decent pay rate...

So in the end, it means the inspiration I had for a Kickstarter may still happen, but its going to be most likely postponed for awhile till stuff settles back into place. And it may be a year or so even then till I shake off some other obligations now that my Free time will be greatly restricted again. I still feel a FT job takes a lot out of you even if its one you enjoy. Why can't you make a living wage on 25 hours a week? :/

The up side is even the contract rate is back to almost the same as what I was making here as a FT employee at the other assignment from this company. Which is pretty good. It also means its enough of an income that in the short-mid term I can effectively start to chip away at credit cards, and in the long term is an actual living wage where I could sustain myself independently. Even if the job goes well and does go back to FT, I'm not moving out till both credit cards are paid in full and I only have my regular monthly payments (Car Loan, Cell Phone and Insurance) left.

It also means I'll be able to for sure and attend conventions again including  furrymigration once paychecks start coming in. I hope this means I can get to Megaplex this summer as long as I can get the time off for it. (I can afford it at least!)

I haven't been given a start date yet. I have a background check to go through (Again) since the end-client works with Government Contracts. I know the hiring manager said he wanted someone in place by the 11th of May and the Subcontractor is trying to get me to start Monday. In all reality though it will most likely fall somewhere inbetween those two dates.

I posted a journal awhile back on how I wanted to get my butt in gear and do things while I was unemployed and just in general. I have done a few of them, but I've fell short on others. I've done my best to TRY to change my attitude about things (I admit, I'm a pessimist) and while I did the one rant a few journals back feel I've made some progress on that. I know, that is not going to be an overnight thing however.

But what I've fell short on is the longer term projects. I wanted to do more with my Photography blog; I wrote one article that no one really read and even myself looking back its maybe a bit TOO technical and rather boring for most; even me to an extent.

There are two things that can motivate people to do something which requires a lot of work: One is enjoying doing it and the other is well the obvious one: Money.

On the photography blog, while I had some fun with playing with gear, Shooting in a test environment with static things isn't really all that fun for me in the end, so I lost interest in it. It felt like a chore looking at photos which were very Meh.

Something I do enjoy doing is day trips for traveling, seeing new places even if most of those are within the same state I'm living in. As much as I make fun of Minnesota for being Boring, and while some Minnesotans are fairly cookie-cutter in personality one thing I will say is I've seen a lot around the state and there are some really COOL little things around when you take Minnesota as a whole. I do have the advantage of living in a state that has a large variety of scenic outdoor landmarks, a decent amount of history when you look outside of just one region (IE not just the Twin Cities) but the entire state as a whole there is quite a bit going on even if to the average person it is very very subtitle. What I find interesting a local of said town may think "You're crazy, right?".

Last night out of Bordem I poked at Kickstarter.org. I found out that they have a section devoted to Photography and Photo Travel projects. This is something I can do and not stretch the bounds of what the site is actually for. What I want to do falls in line with one of their major projects they aspire to help fund.

I also browsed the photography projects. A lot of them are "i visited Nepal or India in a sacred place where only 10 outsiders were allowed to go in the last decade!" or "Here is my photo project of the Slums of Detroit to prove that its not a horrible place to live and that people here are really nice and friendly!" While I can understand the merit of trying to be unique in showing photos of a place that normally no one else sees or trying to change perception: A I don't have Thousands of Dollars to go on Exotic trips and B for the other one I value my safety and I'm sorry... just NO.

I just found it interesting that the flood of books there was all trying to be Exotic and Unique or trying to paint a better light on poverty; they are admirable goals and I'm sure those books have their own market but...

For kicks I did a search for Minnesota. There were NO current projects in Photography nor in the recent past about our state. This surprised the hell out of me. I know you can find books about it in tourist spots or at Barnes and Noble but apparently here, of all places the concept of looking at the Mundane and finding those gems in the rough which make someplace close to home more worthy of visiting are just not, there.

And on the money side of things; Most people who were doing photography books on Kickstarter are expecting to make anywheres between $10,000 and $100,000 on their book. No one is really being realistic. A lot of them are like half funded because their goals are just so ridiculously high. I snorted at that. Hell if I could make a few hundred dollars to pay off some local travel "I need to get away and out for a day" expenses and help with bills for another month I'd be HAPPY.

So I think I might have found a project that would be a worthy cause for my time in the fact that it would be a lot of fun, for me personally to do. There are still so many places even in Minnesota I have yet to explore. Plus the potential for the project to pay for itself plus maybe a little more. I'm not expecting to make a living off these as clearly most people who do are.

But if it can help a little with the fact I'm unemployed; or maybe even if I find a job help with cutting down some of my debt or allowing me to go explore more places I think it could be worth it. Far better then sitting on my ass doing nothing.

I know its not a Furry thing, and as tempting as it would be to do a Kickstarter for a book about Fursuiting and the Furry fandom that opens a whole nother can of worms. IE splitting the profits among people; and for the fact that its not a project I could ask my family and friends outside of the Fandom to help out.

But for those who do read this - what do you think? Do you think there is merit in doing a photography book on a small scale about the state I live in? Some of it would be very touristy while others would be places people had forgotten or didn't even realize were there. Would anyone who watch me even be potentially interested in funding to get a book if this does indeed become a thing?

For all the Minnesota locals; I need your help for a promo video for  furrymigration!

I need both Fursuiters and Crew to help me out.

For Suiters: I’m looking for 2-4 fursuit actors for the first video. I might be able to nudge this number higher if there is a real interest.

I prefer people who have not had a large role in our previous videos. If you just showed up for a breif second in the last year’s series (IE part of the “Herd”) I am not going to count that against you. However anyone with an active role in previous videos- I am going to put the new talent first. Full suits are preferred – I will still consider partials however. Again this is a preference, if I get no one else who wants to help I will still use people who worked on Last Year's videos only even if they still had a good sized role. My preference is to get new people if I can.

For Crew: Something I learned last year is that it is very difficult to both Film AND Direct at the same time. To be effective I can only really do one of the two. Therefore I am looking people to either help me record and direct.

I plan to start filming the first and or second week in May. The goal is to have the video done by the weekend after the spring picnic.

If you are local and interested in helping out in Suiting, Handling, or being an assitant with Directing or Filming PM me here, reply to this journal, or e-mail me at yarrick @ mnfurs . org. I will coordinate locations and timing of Filming with people over E-mail and PMs.

Putting this up here so that my last Journal is not at the top of my page anymore. I got a lot more feedback then I expected, a lot of said comments were actually quite intelligent so I can take the one or two that I could leave.

Whether or not I delete said post is up in the air. Orignally I was planning on it just being a rant I take down in a day or two but from the feedback I'm not really sure yet. I hit a nerve in the fandom it seems which may not necessarily be a bad thing because it made people THINK.

It does solidify for me the reason I do stay in the Fandom, because there are enough wolves among the flock of sheep who have a Brain and can be their own person and put two and two together. For this reason alone I'll keep doing what I'm doing even if I will question it from time to time but I suppose that is Human nature.

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On a lighter and totally different note, I'm thinking of doing a fun little project involving horrible video games. I won't ruin the surprise yet but it will be something if I do it which I will do just for fun and have very low expectations of really going anywhere. I just picked up Superman for the N64 along with a Barney game for the Sega Genesis which looks like all kinds of NO.

Stay Tuned

Little bit of a rant here. Because I haven't had a rant in awhile. I could rant about how being unemployed sucks but lets face it: a lot of people know this and therefore don't want to hear it...

Instead I'm going to rant on something that has bugged me for the last few years about the Furry Fandom. And before I begin let me set one thing straight: I have a deep respect for anyone who owns a Fursuit especially those who can perform in them. I have a few very close friends who are Endurance and Performance Fursuiters and I can respect them for being able to do something I physically cannot and have no mental desire to do.

Fursuiting provides me with a lot of my content, especially lately, for both my photography and video. I'm very glad to have that. I'm very happy to be the bystander and audience that gets to watch, document and record a performance. This is something that will never change.

That said, one thing I cannot get is the recent entitlement within the Fandom in the last few years that "You aren't a furry unless you own a Fursuit". Less people pay attention to you if you don't have a fursuit; even if its one you rarely ever wear but have photos up of it in your FA you still get a lot more recognition and friends just by default then just having a badge or piece of Art of your 'Sona.

I've been finding I have a MUCH harder time getting credit for my photography and videography since I don't own a Fursuit. It seems silly but its true. My photos rarely get more then a handful of views and favs on them, and my video (though I admit, I'm a lot newer to the world of video) get a fraction of views that I see from some that just take something with a go-pro mounted to their suit and put it to Popular music and Boom instantly more views then EVERYTHING I've put up in on Youtube on ONE video.

Why? Because the person who took it owns a suit and therefore have more people paying attention by Default and I don't....

For those who do like my photography and videography Thank You, very very much. Believe me it means a lot to me since I know your interest is genuine in my work and not just faving it because you think I'm popular...

So why don't I suit or have any desire to get a Suit? Physically I am too out of shape to wear one. My body does NOT handle overheating well- and even if I were in better shape and lost weight, yes it would help but I'd still be very miserable in one. I have no real desire to own one just for the sake of owning it, putting it on for 5 minutes and taking a few photos "OK I R POPULAR NOWS!!!" and popping it back off.

The other obvious one is cost. Photography is just as expensive if not more expensive of a hobby then fursuiting. Those who have pro level photography gear AND Fursuit(s) what money tree are you shaking? Because I want some... When I do have Money... I'd much rather buy a new camera or new glass then an animal costume that would make me feel like I'm about to die if I wear it more then 5 minutes. The photography gear is going to get a lot more use...

I'm also NOT a happy bouncy "HUG ME!!!" type of person and an Animal costume would not change that. I'd still feel very uncomfortable with it and Physical interaction is a HUGE thing when Fursuiting.

I'm actually realistic. I see a lot of people getting a suit who shouldn't really get one so they can wear it for the 5 mins, get their photos taken and BOOM poplular flag "Oh they're cool because they own a Fursuit!!!" applied. It really makes me sad, because I think it de-values those Performance suiters who do make a living on ACTIVELY wearing their suits and entertaining people as well. I'm a Wolf, not a sheep. I won't simply follow what everyone is doing because everyone is doing it.

Not having a Suit lately has been a barrier for making new friends in the Fandom. It seems silly, but it is true to a point. I am blessed that the people who can see past the point that I don't suit typically DO become a lot closer friends because it is genuine. It does make it increasingly hard lately to make new friends at cons and events however.

I've seen a lot of memes "EVERYONE! Do blank in your Fursuit and share it with us!" and well, I can't participate. Its as if people EXPECT you to have a suit to be a part of the Fandom now. And I've been around Furry long enough to know that this was NOT always the case.

One would think that Suiters would normally gravitate towards photographers and videographers regardless if they own a suit or not because lets face it, we ARE capturing their essence and getting high quality content back to them instead of just some blurry picture taken with a friend's iPhone.

And yes, while some fursuiters DO appreciate it (and to those who do, thank you again) many are just as happy to see photos dumped from a cellphone and because mine aren't up instantly because I spend TIME on sorting and editing them... less people care.

Fursuiting is an Art. But Photography and Videography is too. It shouldn't be a requirement for you to get recognized for one form of Art that you have to Own the other. And... I'm pretty sure Photography outdates Fursuiting as an artform by decades...

I spend a lot blood sweat and tears (well maybe not so much blood. I have yet to injure myself doing fursuit photography (though its certainly possible) and time taking photos and carefully hand selecting which ones I want to edit and upload. The photos and video speak to me, just as much as it did to the fursuiter while performing.

In the end, I know this rant changes NOTHING. I'll take the post down in a few days. It just felt good to get it off my chest and realize its a Frustration I am going to deal with for a very long time as "The PopUFur Fursuit Only Club" is not going away any time soon, and that I'll never be a member of that club because well, I don't suit and never will...

I'm still going to take photos and Video at furry events. I'm still going to enjoy watching and interacting with suiters as that Bystander because it IS a lot of fun. I'm still going to post my photos and videos up because even if I get a FRACTION of attention that another photographer or videographer gets simply on the basis that I don't own a fursuit because I still have a select few who can see past that and enjoy my work and the effort I put into it.

Someday I hope the Fandom goes back to its roots and acknowledges that Fursuiting has a definate place in the Fandom; but so does EVERYBODY ELSE. The day it's not a "Fursuit ONLY Club" as it feels its becoming these days. By that time I'll probably be a White muzzle...

/rant

Because all the cool kids are doing it (and a lot of people are jumping ship) I have a Weasyl. Its a placeholder for now - I still do NOT like the interface and how difficult it is to find things. The layout is just... confusing. But for those interested: https://www.weasyl.com/~yarrick

Also I started up a much more indepth and Technical project that I WILL be putting a great deal of effort into, my Photography Blog. That can be viewed at http://northwolfphotography.blogspot.com/

My first article is about using Vintage lenses on a modern mirrorless interchangeable lens camera and why its a lot of fun to do so. It does dive pretty deep into the technical but not as deep as it could be. Most of my other blog entries are going to be about the same level of complexity, but above all will have example photos I took for the Blog. Because you can't rip into or Praise a camera without having photos to back your claims up afterall.

I've got a few more articles I'll be working on; like a "PEN VS the Sword" (which will pit my two main workhorse cameras against each other), picking apart the camera on the phone I have (and why I bought it), a few of my pocket cameras, and doing an article on my take on the Superzoom camera concept as I do own one. And I may use it as an excuse to dip back into film too at some point :)

My thoughts on it: It came out of Left Field. The two are so unrelated it would be like the Girl Scouts of America buying out an Erotic Cakes company and saying "Oh you can keep making your cakes with as much Dirty content as you want, infact we are going to Donate our resources so that you can make Dick cakes that taste like Girl Scout Cookies..."

That said... aside from my general confusion I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. For the time being I'll remain here.

And no, I have NO interest in moving to an "All Adult Furry Community" like Bad Dragon wants to do. If the Fandom does split between the Clean and the Kinky I'm staying well on the clean side.

In fact part of me would not mind in the least if FA was safe enough to view on my phone in a public setting or even around my parents without having a photo of a wolf with a 20 foot long Penis on the front page even on the SFW site.

This is however going to affect how much I post content on here till I see how things go. If this turns into a targeted at 14 year old girl version of Furry Facebook I am gone in a heartbeat. If not I'll stick around.

It also means that  photografurs will remain on Hiatus till things settle down. I'm thinking atleast another 6 months; possibly a Full Year to prove that if things change they change for the better and not filled with micro-transactions and flash games.

A lot of photographers have left FA, so I think I need to wait till some come back; others feel comfortable posting content on here again, or new blood comes around before I start an effort to get a group going. If I even feel I have time to...

In the meantime, I have a LOT of other things on my to do list. Top of that list is to start a Photography Blog. Something that gets into the nuts and bolts of how cameras and lenses work and is just as safe to show my Furry friends as it is to show everyone else.

I need a place I can share my passion and hobby with the world and not just the Furry Fandom. I won't be delusional and have any notion I'll make any money off of it, as much as it would be awesome living the dream of making money off gear reviews.

This will be my next project, and I started shooting content for my first post tonight. The first article is going to be about combining the Old with the New: Shooting Vintage lenses on a Digital Mirrorless camera. Expect to see the first post up next week; and when I do I'll post a link to it here.

A few months ago I realized I needed to change. Since that Journal however, I realized I have not made many efforts to change myself.

I went back to being statc; going back to my old ways, hell I even made a cryptic yet direct and Tactless attack towards someone on another Journal. I've since edited that Journal and am moving on, but it doesn't change the fact that I sunk low enough to take that swing.

Yesterday something happened that is forcing my hand. Forcing me to change if I wish to survive. I was told by my consulting company's representative that in spite of the company liking me and thinking I am doing a good job, they are deciding to go another route and change course by finding a cheaper solution. I am out of a Job as of a Week from Today.

I was understandably pretty distraught over this, but I had some insight about a Month ago that this was not going to be Permanent and that it was not meant to be. Seems to be a common theme for me: as a Contractor its hard to be taken in house. I'm a disposable asset.

I took some time to reflect today. Career wise and pay wise this job was a step backward. At the time I was getting towards the end of my rope. I know that time may come again; but for now I have an opportunity to step back up.

I also realize that outside of a job search; I'll have a lot more Time again. I was getting stressed because I didn't feel I had enough time, and I'll have it back soon.

That time gives me a chance. Not only to better myself in my career path but hopefully better myself as a Person as well. Better myself rather then Revert, as I feel I have been doing.

This goes beyond the Furry Community and the local group; I was hyperfocusing on that and I think I lost part of myself in the process. I became more bitter, more paranoid. Flaws I've always had but they became amplifed and focused lately.

Before one can Change though, they need to acknowledge their Flaws. Everyone has flaws. Every Single Person. Even though some think they have no flaws; I am going to be Man enough to admit mine.

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Flaws:

1. I'm a Paranoid Pessimist. I also try using Logic to a fault. If I wasn't so Emotional at times I'd make a damn fine Vulcan.

I have a hard time making friends because I'm paranoid, especially if I see said people associating with someone I clash with. I have a hard time accepting and trying to understand just what they see in said person.

This is the hardest one to overcome as its my largest. I question everything, and yes I mean everything. I've very suspicious when I should just relax. I also tend to see the Worst outcome of a situation or perceive things to be much worse then they actually are.

2. I'm overprotective. I'm a true Beta personality. When you combine my number one and two flaws you get a nasty combination. I tend to have a lot of aspects of a Guard Dog. To those I trust, I am Loyal to a fault. I will go out of the way to do anything I can to help or protect my friends, even if its a danger that doesn't exist. This also extends to the communities I help with, most notably the Furry community. I get overprotective. It's easy for me to see a threat whether its blown out of proportion or not.

There are times when these two 'flaws' can be a strength. But I need to know how to control them.

3. I'm impulsive. Especially when it comes to Money. But the worry and stress generated by my two more major flaws feeds this Impulse. Without said stress I become more controlled. Thus this one becomes the easier one to fix.

I have other flaws, but these are the big three. So these are the ones I need to focus on controlling. Yes controlling, not changing. I cannot change who I am and some of these flaws are also my strengths. Knowing how to use them in for their positive aspects and knowing when to "stop" is the key.

So what's the next step? I put thought into that too. I could sit here and pick apart my flaws and say "I need to change" but just wanting change and actually putting effort into changing are two different things. In order to take steps to work past my flaws, I need to loosen up a bit, and de-stress. As tight as I'm wound it's not going to be quick either. Its going to take a lot of Time. But now that I am going to have that time...

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Goals:

So it's time to set some Personal Goals. And these are outside of Job Hunting of course which is self explanatory. Part of me hopes that I will be unemployed and able to collect unemployment for a few months. Yes it will be tight, and I will need to Budget (which will be one of the Goals).

Many of these goals I want to keep going even when I get a job. I need to or else I'll revert back to the stressed out paranoid Yarrick I was, and am right now.

On-going

1. No spending on "shiny" things. Budget my Money a lot better.

No more new photography equipment, Fishing Rods, or even Nerf Guns until I get both employed and have a better handle on my credit cards. No more MAJOR trips (IE Cons or Flights) until I get a job or atleast have a good handle on my money.

That said: I have a pretty good stock of any equipment related to my various hobbies. I could break a rod or a lens and I'd still have a backup to replace it with. I really don't need any more equipment to keep doing what I'm doing.

Nice as it would be, going to MCFC next weekend because I TECHNICALLY have the time off now would be just as irresponsible as going out and buying a new video camera again. So it has to Wait too.

Any excess money out of paying bills at this point is going to be spent directly towards my goals because some of them will require some money: IE Gas and occasional meals out to be Social.

2. Make new Friends. This is a hard goal and one I can't put a number on. Saying "I need to make 2 new friends a week" just isn't going to work. That said, I haven't made a real friend in years; Associates yes- Friends not really. It's time I changed that... In doing so, I'll become less paranoid of others.

3. Split my time amongst multiple things. Become more active in some of the other clubs I let slip when I hyperfocused on the local furry community. I still want to dedicate a lot of time to MWFF,  mnfurs and  furrymigration but I need to be able to balance said time and commitments better.

4. Do something with the  photografurs account. Even if I only have the time and energy to make one post a month it will still be SOMETHING to start it going again. Because their should be a more netural and less opinionated photography group on FA. That was my goal and vision... I just never had the time to follow through. Well... for the immediate future I'll have time...

Specific Goals

1. Volunteer for a different Non-Profit not associated with MNFurs once a month.

Before I was really active within the local community I did some other Volunteer work for other non-profits (mostly as a photographer). I realized this when I was making a Linkedin page and they had a space for "volunteer activities". Oh hey, yes I used to do that, and outside of the Furry community too. I'm not going to stop what I am doing for MNFurs or MWFF but now that I have the time I should do stuff I can put on a Resume too. I might have to reduce the amount I do for MNFurs, but I'm still a Board Member and plan to remain active and helping out no matter what even if I decide not to re-run for the board next year.

2. Attend a Non-MNFurs related event 2-4 times a month. I belong to, albeit not as active in two photography clubs and a fly fishing club locally. I need to do more activities with those groups and try to help both of them out more.

3. Edit one set of photos for Flickr or online posting a week. This shall be the minimum from now on. This includes both my Furry photography and my general photography. I am so very behind on both of those.

4. Upload atleast 2-3 photos from Goal #3 here every week.

5. Start my photography blog and make 2-4 posts to it per months. I have a lot of ideas for it... I just never got around to actually doing it. Review and pick apart everything from my pocket cameras up to SLRs and lenses and even the differences between types of Cameras. I'm not a purist. I don't say "only said camera or camera brand is the best and all others suck!" like so many photographers out there do. It frustrates me... but maybe if I did a Neutral un-biased photography blog some people would listen. If not... I get an excuse to play with equipment, geek out and Vent at times XD

6. Edit and upload atleast one new video per month for my Youtube channel. Most of them will be Furry Fandom based... but you might see something else random from time to time. Either way... I'm just as far behind with Videography as I am with my Photography :/

7. Go on a "reflection" drive once a month. Alone. This does cost money for gas and atleast one meal, yes. But it will be a good time for me to assess "am I reaching my goals? Do I feel like I'm not as uptight? Do I need to change how much time I devote to one thing so I free it up for another?" Questions like that. The first of said drives will be either the day after or the Friday after my last day of work on Wed of next week.

8. Get outdoors to do a Non-Furry "General" photography shoot 2-4 times a month. Nature, Urban, to the Zoo or Aquarium it matters not; just somewhere. My reflection drive counts as one of those as I always bring a camera with me on said trips.

9. Fish atleast once a week once April gets here. This one is going to be the easiest one for me, as is the outdoor photography. However, since I have so much else I want to do they are at the bottom of the list. Still extremely important for de-stressing however.

---

So in Recap: I want to be useful. I get very frustrated when I feel that I am not being useful or helpful. But at the same time I need to lighten up and Relax a lot more.

I've come to the realization that I am more useful to the communities that I volunteer for and clubs I belong to then I will ever be to an Employer. That's just how I am. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I wouldn't sit idle and become fat off the money. I would do useful things with it and I wouldn't be afraid to get my hands dirty. But alas that's not going to happen.

For the time being, I need to view the extra time I'm going to have really soon as a blessing and not a curse. I can't let it get me down, and I need to remind myself I'm much more then a corporate drone in the workplace.

Given the fact that I'm going to be unemployed (AGAIN) here in a few days... I'm now feeling OK with this. I need to move UP not DOWN. Because once I am no longer in said dead-end I am free. Unless I run out of UI and am forced to take another Dead End job...

But I won't even think about that for the moment. Its time to be positive. Its time to be an Optimist for a change, as odd of a concept that is for me...

Notice that I've deleted the last thing in my scraps, there is a reason for that...

So I've had a bit of a paradox come up. I took a risk and bought a pro-line HD Solid State camera that was at one point used for Cinema level production. I did it on Impulse because it was there, big and shiny and had a lot of cool buttons. What I didn't realize till later was the camera was a lot more beat up then I had originally thought. It defiantly had a lot of heavy use.

It also runs proprietary P2 memory which at this point is ONLY still used in a very select few true Pro-line video cameras, just like HDV and DV tape is. Otherwise its a dead format to everyone else.

Because its an Old camera and Panasonic (along with a lot of companies, sadly) view 1394/Firewire as a dead technology, when they released drivers for Windows 7/8 they ONLY made them for the USB interface. Which normally wouldn't be so much of an issue BUT

The previous owner apparently loved his USB on this camera. Probably way way too much. When I plugged any Mini USB cable I had around the house (which I confirmed was the right one via Panasonic itself) and it would practically fall out. It would also wobble around when even wind caught it right. The pins were completely SHOT. Not corroded, just like not there. I only got it to recognize in windows as a USB device for a split second, then couldn't get it to do it again all night.

I looked into Card readers for P2. Most companies stopped making them a long long time ago. I asked about it at Microcenter and they looked at me like I had just asked for a motherboard for a 386 and a copy of Windows 3.1 to go with it. The only ones that still make the readers, mostly Panasonic, want to rape you for $150-300 JUST for a simple little CARD READER for P2 memory. F@$%!

PCMCIA slots work as readers. But none of my working "useful" laptops have one. They all have that thing that looks like a PCMCIA slot but its really a narrow pinless port instead. The express card or whatever it is called...

So basically I could shoot all the nice crisp video I wanted and there was no sane way of transferring that video off the camera. Unless I was willing to jump through a lot of hoops or spend an insane amount on a horribly over priced card reader. So I had to return it.

The place I bought it from has a 30 day full refund on ALL used gear. Its why I've been picky where I buy used gear from. This isn't the first thing I've returned that was used but I've bought and kept enough gear (new and used) to keep them happy.

So yeah, lesson learned. Stay away from proprietary crap.

Sometimes if its Shiney, has a lot of buttons there is a reason its a "good deal". Since I don't have an insane income I tend to jump at something unique when I see it cheap(ish). Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes it doesn't.

Everything I shoot from now on will be SD based. Or at the very least DV for the one camera as that is still cheap and much more of a standard still. And I didn't invest that much into that camera hence why I still consider it my C camera.

Even if I no longer have a B cam. I'll just have to be patient and hope I can afford something better or a deal comes along for a camera that's not proprietary; hopefully by  furrymigration.

For now... I should focus on paying off my credit debt rather then adding too it instead anyways >.<

Last weekend I went to the first convention of the year for me, Fursquared in WI. Its the closest con to me outside of  furrymigration which I am staff at. Its also one of the cons I don't work Staff at- which means it is a very different expereince. Year two was pretty close to the same as year two for me other then the fact that it didn't seem to have as much energy in the Con until the very end when it was all released which just felt very... odd.

Started off by going to the Sprecher Brewery on Thursday night because nothing else was going on at the convention. This turned out to be a very good call. For $5 I got a souvineer glass, all the Soda on tap I could drink, oh yeah and I tried some of the "hard" sodas they had too. The Hard Rootbeer was pretty good even if I'm not much of a drinker. Its something I wouldn't mind having a case of around for that very rare occasion I want something Alcoholic... I did end up buying a case of Soda as it was sold for under $1 a bottle...

Friday started off slow, and honestly even Sat felt a little off. There were a few points where I wandered aimlessly around the hotel. I did feel kinda out of it for Friday and Sat. There wasn't as much energy with the Fursuiters so I didn't get a lot of the random debauchery that made my last year's Fursquared video so loved (Its still the most viewed and liked video on my Youtube by far).

When I approached someone with my camera it was mostly "Oh look a camera, I'm going to pose here and stand still and look cute" ... I'm toting a big ass shoulder mount video camera that makes me look like I'm German and you are just going to... Stand there? No I am not taking a still photo with this thing... Do something Spontaneous and Fun! Ugh.

I may still do some sort of Video, but its a lower priority simply because the energy and silliness was not there this year. It may be a shorter music over quick clips once I get around to it rather then my typical format for my longer con videos...

---

Last day of the Con I got to do something that hasn't happened for a very long time. I met people. I'm the type that has a hard time making Friends. I'm horrible with icebreakers, and I have certain standards; IE I don't like hanging out with people who seem very clingy and desperate.

Its a big reason, admittedly I DO staff cons or do my Photography and Videography because it allows me to have something to do and feel like I'm helping the greater community... while at the flipside doing so you become close to none >.>. If I'm not behind a camera or helping out I tend to run out of things to do and Question why I am there, as what started to happen at Fursquared.

I had a lot more fun on Sunday night and Monday Morning and Afternoon then I did for the rest of the Convention. During which, ironically the rest of the con was DEAD. I put the camera down, and by doing so I suppose I lowered my sheilds as it were. Is it strange that I had more fun before the con and AFTER it was officially over then I did during the main event? I can't really explain why other then I unwound a lot more.

I had a blast meeting  granitethewolf ,  aurawolf ,  drykus and a few others which turned my Meh con into something enjoyable that I will have good memories of for the last day of; and gives me a reason to look forward to it next year (and any other conventions inbetween)

---

Moving forward I need to meet more people and make an effort on making more friends. Its harder for me to do Locally right now because I have Politics hovering over my head. And for this reason, along with some others I may release myself from a lot of those obligations come the appropriate time so I can focus back on other things.

I guess the trick is to start looking for people who are outside of certain spheres of influence, as daunting as a task as that may seem. Even if it means making more friends who are a state or two over and have no clue of local politics and Drama. And that is a GOOD thing. I need to find more people who are outside of the inner loop I think at this point if I am to continue to make friends.

For those close friends I do have from this fandom, I can't give back or thank enough for having them. Even if sometimes there is drama... and even occasionally drama between my friends are my friends... and once you become my friend you'll find that just like my Fursona I am a very loyal sort. There are some people I will never get along with... but there are many more out there that I could become friends with given the chance to. I need to lower my defenses more and make this happen. I tend to be too cynical and suspicious at times... and this is something I need to work on changing.

---

Edit: I realize my initial post lacked a good amount of Tact. Even if I was being Ambiguous certain things should not have been said. At the time, I was frustrated; ironically at myself and was looking for somewhere else to put the blame.

Today I turned 33. What's so special about that? Not a whole lot for me other then I'm 7 years away from having a Doctor shove their hand up my butt. NOT looking forward to that... Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll invent a less invasive prostate exam in the next 7 years...

Anyways... Other then that another year, don't feel a whole lot different. Other then I am still grateful that its the first year of my life I haven't had to start off spending alone <3.

That and I suppose my Birthday is less special these days because being an adult means you buy your own gifts.

That and I was born in the season I hate the most. Winter. Especially this winter because its been so bloody random. Taunts us with a single nice day above freezing then BELOW ZERO FOR A WEEK FOR YOU! ...Atleast its near the end of Winter because I've had enough of it. I want to go out and use my camera and fly rods dammit!

Outside of not feeling the "desire" to Fursuit (unlike 80-90% of the Fandom these days...) and not having the Stamina to do it there is another big reason I cannot:

My other expensive Hobbies namely Photography and Videography. Fishing being the "cheapest" of the three ironically enough, though I've invested enough into that (IE Boat) for the cost of one "budget" Fursuit alone.

I put limits to what I buy for Photography equipment. I don't buy "professional" glass and go for the mid-range. I really like Tamron glass for this reason as well as Micro 4/3rds: I get a lot of bang for my buck.

I am also fully comfortable with buying used gear - outside of cheap starter lenses most glass is designed to last a very very long time; especially when we are talking glass that I could not afford new; but Used on the other-hand it becomes an option. The most I've ever paid for a lens is $550 and the most I've ever paid for a body is $1000. There is quite a bit you can do with that budget especially if you know where to look and find used lenses or things on sale.

That said, if you consider that each lens on my list cost between $300-550 with the exception of the Vintage and Film lenses (which I bought for dirt cheap or got free) Yeah it... adds up how much I've invested into Photography. The current cameras I'm running I paid $300-700 as well - the two Olympus cameras and the Canon. It adds up for sure O.O. The point and shoots have been mostly impulse buys and "toys". They all have a place in a pinch but not what I would have on me if I was serious about getting something good.

Recently I got a withdrawal from an IRA from a company I no longer work for. Since I no longer work for said company there is no reason to keep it- so I got what I could out. And it was a fair chunk of change that took 6 months of an ongoing ordeal, two trips to South Dakota and 3 to Chicago to resolve. So I decided to spend half of it on gear and the other half to be a payment for my credit card,

For the price of one new "professional" lens I was able to purchase two Used Professional grade lenses used and a camera body. ...All things considered I am good for gear for now. But I don't think its a hobby I'll ever stop investing into over time.

So every time I get depressed or loose my way I remind myself how much of both time and money I have dedicated to my photography. And it goes to pretty high on the list. Lately I've been doing so many things that my Photography has been Neglected. Like really Neglected. I haven't been editing or posting up anything for the longest time. I still own an inactive Photography Group on FA that has just been collecting Dust for close to a year.

This needs to change.

If I had no interest, drive or desire to do Photography I would be stop buying gear and would be selling it off instead. The thought actually did cross my mind a few times in the last few months. But thankfully, that thought has passed.

Now its just a matter of re-adjusting my life so I have room for Photography and Videography being a major thing instead of just taking a back seat. In a way this is a followup to my last post. Work is becoming busier and I am starting to do some overtime; and work is the one thing that I cannot adjust as it pays the bills and it pays for my hobbies such as Photography,

Remember the good old days, when Ctrl Alt Delete rebooted your PC and not simply locked and unlocked it? Shows you how old I'm getting >.>.

So that's what this Journal is about. A reboot. I suppose Ctrl Alt Delete can also be used to pull up Task manager in most versions of windows too so that fits as well. I need to kill off some tasks.

And this all really boils down to the same thing: my involvement in the Furry Fandom. Work wise things are going smoothly for now. I have some sense of stability though I'm not making as much as I was a year ago by a long shot. I actually need to start budgeting which is another stress and another reason I need to make a few changes there. I can't complain about my relationship life anymore <3 so... this leaves all the stress that has been burning me out lately dumped into one thing.

I can't go into details on a lot of it because some of it can't be disclosed, atleast not yet. I've been playing a wierd Political game in the local Fandom and am getting kinda sick of aspects of it; I'll just leave it at that. And the fact that I got so obsessed over one thing that I overlooked something that was handled poorly and could, potentially bite the greater Furry community in the Ass for the way it was handled. So needless to say, its something I can't let happen again.

Which means I need to restructure, reboot, and change my own focus. There are some steps I can start working towards, but others will need to be put into motion in a few months. There are some things I just need to grit my teeth on right now, and get through it but going forward I have a long term game plan, a direction if you will.

So if I've snapped at anyone lately or showed a lack of Confidence, I am sorry. This is all going to change really soon. I'm not good at multi-tasking so I can do a lot more good (and be a lot less stressed) if I focus my efforts onto a few select things.

Some people can Multi-task well. I envy them.

But at the end of the day I am not one of those people... and I've found out even doing too many different things within one larger thing burns me out even if the rest of my life is going well.

It's time to clear out some sub-processes. It's time for a Reboot. I know this is all pretty cryptic but it has to be. As much as I'd like to just reveal my direction right now I have to hold my cards for atleast a little while longer.

Yes, I am forced to play a game. But its time I set a few different rules, consolidate my pieces and choose a different strategy...

As I pondered all of 2014, a few very good things came of it. I took a lot of chances last year; some of them panned out; others did not, and others still have yet to be seen if I did made the right decision or not.

But I believe there may be time for second chances on atleast one of the missed opportunities due to circumstance. The big one being my studio.

Its something I miss not having a lot, especially right now when the winter is well, Minnesota and therefore sucks major frozen monkey balls. Having the studio in the winter especially was a nice little indoor refuge from the frozen hell that is a Minnesota winter, giving me and my friends another option rather then walk around a mall all day (which gets old really fast).

It was nice having a place of my own; both for the responsibility and privilege of having it. I think this is what everyone wants and needs at some point in their lives. For most people, this is "settling down and buying a "a very very fine house; with two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard..." (excuse the Beatles reference... Heh)

However, I'm not going to lie. As much as my parents mannerisms sometimes get on my nerves (but this happens honestly with roommates too) I'm content here. I'm not freeloading - I do pay them rent but it is far less then trying to make it on my own and a far better living situation then living in a cramped little apartment with 2 or 3 other roommates.

And now that my parents know about my 'dark secret' and well.. are cool about it it makes things much easier and more comfortable. I always told myself I could wear con T-Shirts, use drinking glasses I got at conventions and display artwork (CLEAN art- I DO NOT have ANY desire to commission and especially not frame porn >.>) when I moved out. But now I can do that anyways.

I also learned that there is something special about having a netural place for both your hobbies and friends. Somewhere that is not the same as where you live and sleep. For one: a few of my friends can't come over to my house for one reason alone: Pet Allergies.

Also, it was a lot easier to keep the studio clean. It was also easier to have more willpower to keep it clean. I had no clothes to pick up. No plates or glasses to pick up and wash (unless I had a dinner party or something- which I only did once...). It was a place solely designed to have company over or as a place of solitude when I needed an escape.

I learned a lot about dreams last year, and that I HAD one of them for a very short period of time. Ever since I was in High School I wanted to have my own small business. I wanted to have a place that wasn't home where my friends could come to. I wanted something Unique.

After having a small business of my own that floundered for a few years (the Computer Repair one) I found out its a lot of work and is extremely hard to make an actual living off of. For anything I am interested in or "good at" anyways.

Everyone with a camera wants to be a "photographer" these days. Even when 90% of those people shouldn't be allowed to touch a camera because they have no creativity, no skill, no drive. They just view it as "easy fast fun money". UGH.

It ruins it for the 10% of us that, well actually would have had something of a career in photography had we been born 20-30 years ago when cameras were these "complicated monsters only Nerds would have any interest in operating". It was, back then a very Niche thing. Back in the days of Film. Back in the Golden days of Photography...

But I've given it some thought. About what I really want. And why I want a studio in the first place. It was never because I wanted a place to make "easy money". It was an investment to me. And while most investments will never give you back what you put into them for money...

The rewards a good investment gives you are priceless. A car gives you freedom. A house gives you shelter but also something that is yours.

And this is what this is all about. I want something I can call mine. But why do I have to be like everyone else?

For me, where I live is not that relevant as long as it fulfils my basic needs. It provides me a place to sleep and eat. It provides a place to relax. But Home has never been my sanctuary. I've always felt more well... in tune with myself when I am NOT at home.

When I am on the road, when I am on my boat.

And when I had it, when I was in my Studio....

This is when I felt in my element as it were. This is where I was inspired. And sadly, two of those places are very seasonal and fare very poorly in this time of year. Which is why I tend to go a little stir crazy right about now.

So... my resolution for 2015 and into this time in 2016 is to get my Studio back; with the intent that it is an investment that I am getting something far more valuable then money from in return.

Sure, I may do some paid photoshoots there when the opportunity presents itself. But my goal would not to be foremost to run a business, as silly as that sounds.

There are things that need to happen first. I need to get some of my credit debt paid off or atleast handled. I need to get some savings. I need some job security or atleast a contingency plan if I keep working contract to contract to cover the months I am unemployed.

This will require a lot of thought. A lot of research. A lot of planning. But in the end, I hope to have my sanctuary back. And I think that is something I can be patient and wait for.

I intend to find a place larger then before. Preliminary research shows that I can find a place 2-4x the size of my first studio at a rate still cheaper then what most people pay for apartment rent as long as I am not picky on where. I may be able to pick a range of how far I am willing to commute but not the city. I don't need something well lit or well advertized. Infact for my purposes the more secluded the better.

I've been wanting to find an "out" from IT. But I realize that it pays the bills and makes a lot more money then I could ever make from running a photography business alone, espically in this day in age. But I've come to terms that if I had my fortress of solitude back - living with having a career on the bottom rungs of the IT ladder would be a lot more tolerable and would not define who I was.

The dream has been realized, after having a taste of it last year. Now its just a matter of finding a way to make it a reality. And this time, I hope to be able to maintain that Dream for a lot longer...

Technically I still have a few days left of 2014; but I think its close enough that the chance of anything exciting happening that would impact this overall year in review is pretty slim. And if it does- I'll Edit it.

2014 was a very interesting year. There were lots of ups and downs but I think for once the ups outweighed the downs. But I'll move on to the review:

Career Changes

2014 started with a very frustrated Yarrick, who was making good money but was overwhelmed at work- and work refused to give me any permanent help (IE Hire someone) so my first Big choice and change for the year came at the End of Feb where I quit a Full Time job to take my chances as a contractor again. Looking back it was a tough call and I'm still not sure what the right choice was. Since I choose to leave a sure thing for a contract "to hire" job it ended up meaning I would be unemployed again before the end of June, but I didn't know that at the time...

I left my full time job for a contract for a company that was literally a stone's throw away from where I lived. At first it seemed I made the right choice. I got along well with my Boss and Co-workers. The team worked together like a well oiled machine. There were a few busy/stressful days but it was NOTHING like my last job and there was always someone else there to help out. I was sure that I had made the right decision.

Then my Manager quit to go to a different thing. The sure "you will become hired at the end of your contract" suddenly went away. Fate tossed me a Nasty screwball. The new manager they got was a complete Asshole. He took a very "hands off" approach and did everything he could to avoid interacting with his team. Which in itself... might have been OK had it not been for the fact that he would NOT hire on ANY contractors; even those who knew the job and were working well with the team and DEMANDED a 4 year college degree. 7 years of experience, worthless to him. I could have had 25 years of experience and I still would have been discarded like a dirty sock from that douchebag. Because I was a contractor. Because he was the almighty Harvard Doctorate Douchebag and if you didn't have a college degree you were in his eyes a worthless pile regardless of how much you actually brought to the team.

So... needless to say my contract was not extended and I was left fending for myself. I did at-least qualify for Unemployment - and made enough to pay off my bills (Including my car payment from my new Vehicle) This was the only saving grace.

I spent the next four and a half months struggling with Unemployment. I got tons and tons of interviews and usually made it to the second interview; only to get the same response back "Oh you were ALMOST good enough, but we went with the OTHER guy". I got two contracts where I was accepted but then discarded after a week of work not for anything I did wrong (in EITHER case) but because they didn't "Need" me anymore. Needless to say... quite frustrating. I began to start to wish that I wasn't forced to work in IT since that was the only profession that I am "qualified" for that makes enough money to pay my bills. Retail- there is no way I could make enough money on that even while living at home for $200 a month in rent and no additional food costs other then eating out.

I have enough debt to pay off that $15 an hour is the minimum I need to make just to scrape by and I'd need atleast $17 an hour to live "comfortably" IE buy a few dinners out and go to a few cons a year, etc.

In November I finally I got accepted somewhere that lasted more then a week; but in doing so I had to take a step down on the IT ladder. Atleast the step down wasn't back to a callcenter. I'm now on a contract till June of 2015 for doing the "IT Brute Squad" IE a mass computer deployment project at a large Health Care provider. The job up to now has been only part time because they are preparing for the big deployment and most hospitals and clinics have been pushing things off to the start of 2015 due to the Holidays and well Fiscal things. I've been getting by on this; but in order to really get back on my feet it needs to go Full Time as promised starting in Jan.

I like my boss. He's stood up for us several times as our department tends to become the punching bag in IT as we are on the bottom of the Hierarchy. I like my team (which as of right now just consists of one other person). The Job is very un-stressful mentally: In reality there isn't much too it. I unbox PCs. I image PCs. I deploy PCs. Rinse and Repeat. Very little troubleshooting, very few incidents of agitated clients. I'm in, I'm out, then I move on.

Physically, the job is a lot more taxing then anything I have been doing in years. Surprisingly I am not that sore and my back has been co-operating so far. If anything, the job is most likely strengthing my back which in the long run is a good thing.

But that's enough about the job front. Right now after a very frustrating year I am doing OK. The job while not the most exciting on the flip side is low stress. Money is a little tight- I can't really buy any new lenses or toys or catch up on my Credit Card and other Debts. When it goes Full Time this issue will go away. If it doesn't go full time as promised- I'll be back to looking come around February if not earlier again and starting this frustrating process all over again - I'm hoping it does not come to that.

---

Relationship

So after talking about the most frustrating part of 2014 let's talk about the most positive one. 2014 started as no different then the rest of my life, well atleast since around 2007 when I first started to feel that "something is missing" vibe and started trying to date.

Most people have been doing the whole BF/GF BF/BF or GF/GF thing since High School. I spent my High School and "would be" college years not even thinking about Girls even though I am indeed straight and not Asexual as many might have thought. I had other things to concentrate on. I had my social outlets even if many of them were online. I lived a very sheltered life until around 2002 when I decided it was "time to venture out into the REAL world" and was time to start making friends other then the very small handful I had from High School. Five years after that, I had enough exposure to seeing friends have relationships to realize that something was still missing.

I ran into a lot of challenges when I first tried to start dating. A lot of the girls who showed 'interest' in me were a lot younger then I was. To the point where it just felt... weird. I think a lot of this had to do with the fact that I did not have the experience that most people have at my age with the dating thing.

A few wanted to take things waay too fast. Since I didn't have that much experience dating this made me very uncomfortable. My first kiss came on my second date with one such gal and she wanted to get into my pants on the third. I know "most straight guys" would have been all HELL YEAH!!!!! >.> But I am NOT like most straight guys. My mind does NOT revolve around Sex unlike the rest of the US. I could go on a rant about that one alone... and I have... but I won't.

Then I had the ones who got wierded out by the whole "furry" thing. Its a part of me... I can't deny who I am and I am NOT going to deny the majority of my friends who at this point all have some connection to the Furry Fandom one way or another. I'd get a date in or two - things would go well and they'd either find out or I'd be honest and tell them about the Furry thing...

And I'd never hear from them again...

I also had a few that tried to form "open" relationships with me which quickly became very complicated and I learned quickly that for the sake of sanity... Yeah Monogamy is the key....

I was at the point of giving up, saying I'd give it one last shot as nothing had lasted for more then a few dates in the 7 years I had been trying to find someone. I decided to give it one last chance. I was convinced that looking "inside the fandom" was Nigh impossible for the sheer lack of gals I ran into who weren't taken, significantly younger to me (IE Robbing the Cradle), lives 500 miles away from me (and I could not do a long distance relationship nor really move or support someone financially to move) or... Well... Crazy....

I decided to go back to the dating site where most of my "OMG you are a Furry... umm... -CLICK-" responses came from and give it one more shot. It was one of the few places I had some level of connection - even if it never could make it past that point.

That's when I met  faelyncypher . The moment I started talking with her I knew something was different. I was open about the Furry thing with her pretty early on and she wasn't scared away. In fact I suspected that she may have some connection to it or making a connection to it wouldn't be very hard...

We think a lot alike but are still very much individuals. We respect each other. Neither of us is "in control" of the relationship - I don't think I could do a one sided relationship on either end. We are still taking things slow - but I have enjoyed every moment I have got to spend with her since the first time we met. It still feels very surreal to me. Altough there are times when we can't spend that much time together due to School and Work and Volunteer activities (we both realize we have our own lives) that "something missing" has gone away and I have someone to share my life experiences with.

A lot of my friends still have problems finding someone. Some have given up, others are frustrated to the point of insanity about it. I never got to the latter because I had my friends. And Fae above all IS one of my closest Friends. And that, among all else IS why it works

I've learned a few things this year about relationships; even if I am still new to the game:

1. Don't give up: It took me Seven Years to find someone. It's not something that happens over night.
2. You will get burned. You will get rejected. But you'll get over it. Move on.
3. You have your own life, and so does your potential partner. Don't try to change either of them. Trying to change or hide who you are and "be someone different" will only make things harder for you. If you have to Hide something from your SO it's not going to work out....
4. Don't rush into things. Don't be clingy. This sorta ties into #3. You both still need to have your own lives and need to be able to live those lives without having to lean on your date constantly. If you feel you "can't live without having your mate constantly at your side" you will burn each other out and the time spent together will become a lot less special.
5. Don't assume you know everything. I admit - I'm new to this... but regardless of if you've been dating for 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years... don't be surprised when you learn something new.

And I'll leave it at that. Meeting  faelyncypher is the best thing that happened in 2014 by far, but at the same time I am still the same old Yarrick. My friends aren't going to change. What I do for fun and the communities I support are not going to change. <3

---

Everything Else/Recap

Work and relationship were the two huge changes for me in 2014 by far. I’ve already covered both of them in great detail so I suppose I’ll cover the rest of the highlights and lowlights for 2014.

-I traded in my small, fuel efficient little car for a Ford Edge, a midsize SUV/crossover vehicle. Previous to this I had to borrow my parents vehicles and play car roulette. Whenever I wanted to use my boat I had to borrow my dad’s truck. Whenever I wanted to go to a Con or long roadtrip with more then just myself I had to borrow my mom’s Saturn VUE so that I had the cargo capacity to do so. I decided it was time to stop playing car roulette to save a few bucks on gas a week – because when I get my own life I will no longer be able to rely on this. So I bought a Soccer Mom special with a large enough engine to pull my boat that still gets better gas mileage then the Truck. And so far its been one of the best decisions I’ve made this year.

-I got voted on as a Board Director for  mnfurs. I didn’t do it for myself. I did not run for election to put a “gold star” on my personal/ “popufur” ranking. I ran because the need was there. I was doing a lot for this community as it was, and becoming a board director really hasn’t changed all that much for me with my commitment to the local community.

One of the Directors was stepping down and needed to be replaced. I originally wasn’t going to run; but there weren’t that many people running for the positions up for election and the more I thought about it the more it made sense. There was so much more I wanted to do for the community but I was hitting walls. It was time to take the next step. Whether I’ll run again when my time comes up in 2016 I am uncertain… but I won’t stop helping the local MNFurs community as it has done so much for me.

-I was staff photographer for four Fandom cons. Three of those helping out as one of the studio photographers and our local  furrymigration as the Lead photographer. I’ve been an event photographer for a lot of local events in the past and I enjoy taking photos and video so others can re-live their con memories. I also volunteered for Como Zoo as their Offical Photographer for Zoo Boo.

-I had to give up on a dream of doing my Studio Photography as a side business or hobby business. I had to give up my Studio which was the much harder part as it was a place I could use to escape home. It was my Superman Fortress of Solitude. And I could have friends over without worrying about my parents or Pet allergies that some of them have. Believe me.. there are still plenty of times, especially during the winter, that I wish I had my studio just for that reason alone. But until I get a job that is stable with regular hours and a for sure thing I can't even think about it...

-Early December I survived a very rough weekend: having to help control a very tense situation in the aftermath of a Terrorist attack, followed by watching one of my close friends winding up in the ER on the way home. As well as the cloud of doubt hanging over my head with how much longer I can keep helping MFF out for all that I do for MNFurs. It will have to be atleast one more year... And during that time I very much doubt the odds of either of the other two stressors that will forever mark MFF 2014 in my mind of happening ever again.

In recap: I didn’t spend as much time outdoors doing photography or fishing due to just how insanely busy as I was this year. In spite of being unemployed for half of summer and most of fall I managed to fill that time up with other things.

Life has stepped into high gear in 2014 and it won’t be slowing down any time soon. Gone are the days where I could spend almost every night at the Friendly Local Game store during winter or on my boat during summer. I can still do these things, but only in much more limited moderation. I have too many other obligations to sit in a shell anymore which used to describe me to a T. Yes there are a few days where I “miss” not having as much responsibility as I have now… but at the same time I would not trade all that I have gained from putting my foot forward for all the gold in Ancient Egypt.

Life is changing, life is accelerating. Now it’s time to hunker down and hang on for the ride.

Some random rambling and Daydreaming in my head as of late.

I have a good amount of Photography gear split between two different Lens systems: the old workhorse the Canon 60D and the Olympus Mirrorless PEN.

I've been finding I've been using my PEN for photography a lot more then my Canon 60D. Reason is simple. its so much smaller, lighter and for whatever reason I seem to get more consistent results with it. I've seemed to have to put more effort into editing photos from my Canon to be "happy" with them then I have from my Olympus. I somehows manage to get less blurry shots with it.

A lot of people like Bigger cameras, and for them the weight makes it more stable. I've found that the lighter camera is more stable for me, and I can manage one handed clear snapshots which are neigh impossible to do with the monster Canon.

There is a huge ongoing war between Canon and Nikon. Its been going on for some time now. Part of me is tempted to sidestep and say "you guys can bicker all you want because I am an Olympus man!"

The biggest limitation with the PEN cameras was the glass. It was a very limited system for what you had choices. But now they finally have a decent selection of lenses including a 40-150 f 2.8 lens that is the size of a soda can instead of the size and weight of a small child... (am not kidding on that one...)

My Canon has still a few advantages. The flash unit I have for it is a lot more powerful then the one for the micro 4/3rds. But at this point the only time I am using it is when I want to look "offical". Otherwise it just sits in its bag collecting dust.

Part of me wants to make the leap and upgrade my Olympus body to the newest and greatest. One of the "M" series bodies (most likely the M10 because of the compact size)

Of course, I have got some amazing shots with my Canon DSLR too. But its becoming to feel like a boat anchor and doesn't see much use anymore. I feel like I can take the PEN anywhere and out all day and barely notice it's with me.

Anyways... probably just rambling and idle thoughts from me. I don't have $2000 (more like I have -$2000 from credit cards :( ) so I'm not going to be able to buy any new camera gear any time soon. I'm just not sure how much the Canon is getting used anymore outside of using it for Studio photography and a very rare appearance where I need to use a more powerful flash. Otherwise its just sitting in my room collecting dust :/

Those are... very strange words coming from a man who's as Straight as the lines on a sheet of geometric graph paper printed from a $100,000 plotter.

It's very ironic that a otherwise 'normal outstanding young man' would be using these words. I mean, if you looked at me on the street, at work, etc they'red be no way you'd as much suspect I had anything "wierd" going on.

But it's very much true, at least how I opened up my parents as of today. I had 'the talk' with them about my involvement with the Furry Fandom. 100% honest, didn't hold anything back including telling them that yes, I was at Midwest Furfest, as an attendee and Staff when the attack happened.

It went very well. They seem very accepting of the fact but at the same time not running out and telling all of their friends and family how great it is that their son is a Furry (which was the other extreme I was dreading...). I asked that it be kept quiet, especially around Family, and so far it seems they are going to honor that request.

It was something that I had been hiding from them for years. And I feel like a huge weight off my shoulders when I broke down and spilled the beans.

They saw one of the more positive news stories about the Convention and thought that everyone looked like they were having a good time. My parents were just as appaled and confused as to why someone would do what they did as I am.

I'm not going to rush out and scream on the rooftops "OMG LOOK EVERYONE I AM A FURRY!!!!" by no means. Not bringing it up to most of my family, nor am I going to bring it up at work, etc (not that I know my co-workers that well anyways).

But moving forward... I think I'm going to be a lot more confident. And if someone asks me Directly, yes I'm not going to sit and cower and deny it. If the situation is hostile; I may try to change the subject or walk away but no longer am I going to be afraid to defend myself or my friends for that matter.

Because it IS a part of who I am. And while I do NOT believe that I am IN ANY WAY a giant talking anthropomorphic Dog In Real Life (I have no delusion that I am anything BUT Human... though the What If is still fun to think about sometimes...) yes I enjoy Furry Artwork. Yes I have a personal charachter that I can relate to and put in characteristics of my real life into. Its a lot like being an Author - I get to make and envision my own character in his own Fictional story and you know what? Its a LOT of fun :)

So that is that. Where it leads, I am not sure. But I don't need to worry about hiding con badges, T-Shirts, or other Furry related items (and NO not those type of... Ugh. I don't own any... nor have any desire to.... Eww) around the house. If I know I am having family company over I may take down a few pieces of G rated art that I am likely to be more comfortable hanging in my gaming room now. Same goes from that plaque I got from MFF. I'll put it up, in a less then obvious but still vise able place by the computer monitor.

No more fear of public shame and being humiliated. No more hiding. The Furry Fandom has done so much for me that even with all the time I put into it as staff and Volunteering for various conventions and events I could never give back all that I have received from it. 99% of my Friends, the people I choose to spend time with, are directly related to the Furry Fandom. That's a pretty staggering number.

I can count the friends I have outside of the Fandom on one hand. Those related to Furry; I'd need both hands and feet and then some to count them all.

The voyage continues... and if my parents ever decide to show up to a Fur Con or event I am ready. Today has been a huge milestone. And while the world, being so full of bigotry may not be ready for me being 100% honest that I am "different" from what is deemed "normal" by society in some way...

I am not ashamed, and I never have been. But now it is time to stand my ground and not hide who I am.

Pretty much sums up MFF 2014. In one sentence. Except the message isn't "Happy Birthday" for those who get the reference. So many mixed emotions and feelings of what led up to, during and after the con that its really hard to put into words. But I feel I should get it off my chest and atleast try to put it on paper.

Going into the con to start with I was on the fence about continuing to be staff there. I have so many things going on, namely being a board member/community lead for  mnfurs that trying to switch tracks between the two has been increasingly difficult. When MNFurs was not incorporated and I was just helping out it was a lot easier to say that MFF was my one big commitment in the Furry Fandom,

I went into the con rushed. Not as prepared as I should have been. I didn't pay as much attention to details and most while very minor did make some headaches and some of Gaming panelists upset and left out of the Programming guide. It wasn't 100% my fault but its something that could have been prevented had I been more solely dedicated to the con. I wasn't able to attend as many meetings, even in an online fashion and double check my work after it had been submitted.

The first bad omen came as we were getting to Chicago. We took a longer lunch and paid for it in the form of being stuck in Chicago Traffic for an hour and a half in spite of taking side streets. It wasn't the latest I had gotten to MFF on Thurs night but it was close.

Fri morning I handled a few fires, nothing too major. We had extra time to set up video games which helped a lot. We opened Video Games on time for the first time in well... ever with Zero equipment problems. Which in itself was amazing.

Overall, gaming ran a lot smoother then I expected throughout Friday and Sat with the exception of a few disgruntled GMs who still managed to find people for their games. We were busy. Well attended. The flow for both Video games and board games while it had its peaks and valleys was pretty steady and we made good use out of the space we had.

Then the Terrorist attack hit. It's being regarded as a Terrorist attack and by every definition it was one. Someone released concentrated doses of Chlorine type gasses in one of the stairwells which was in lethal levels on the top few floors but flooded the whole main tower.

I was on my way to the dance with my video camera in hand to take a break for an hour before I closed down the rest of gaming. I had just gotten video games shut down and all that was left was CaH, Werewolf and the open Board Game room which I'd swing back to at 2. I was on the upper main lobby, right next to the escalators when I smelled a foul odor. Seconds later the fire alarms went off.

I was among the first to be outside. I had nothing but a t-shirt on. I was very worried that the con crud I was starting to get would be worsened by my exposure to the cold.

We were ushered inside the Rosemont convention center for shelter once they had surmised it would take hours to clear the hotel and that this was most defiantly NOT a drill nor an accidently pulled alarm.

I was unfortunate enough to have had a Staff Radio on me at the time. We were instructed not to use them during emergencies (unless it was an emergency). I wasn’t trained in emergency procedures. Everyone looked at me because I had a radio and I was in shock. I had no idea what to do.
Halfway through the night the staff who were on radio or nearby someone with one were instructed to form a line to control the crowd in the back half of the Convention Center hall. I was one of those in the line.

I was standing on the other side of thousands of disoriented, tired, confused, shocked and even some Angry people. I thought that the whole thing was going to erupt into a Riot. My faith in Humanity was restored some when it did not, and the few who were demanding did not stir the crowd into a panic.
The hotel let us back in somewhere around 4:30. Most of my staff beat me to the convention space so the rooms were all locked and secured before I got there. I told my staff to get a few extra hours of sleep – their sanity was more important then getting things open at the crack of dawn.

Sunday board games still opened on-time due to one of my board games staff not being able to sleep. Video Games opened a little late at the time we had discussed earlier.

I was tired, still in shock. Luckily everything ran smoothly in gaming on Sunday mostly on Autopilot. I tried to get some video and photos but my heart just wasn’t there. Closing Ceremonies was very emotional for every staff member who was there including myself. I was given a plaque with my name on it from the Programming director – in truth I believe that EVERY member of MFF staff deserved one this year…

I went to sleep at 12:30 on Sunday night, exhausted and at the peak of my cold, which is the earliest I have ever gone to bed at a Convention.
We said our goodbyes on Monday. I could not find any of the MFF staff who either worked under my department or with me (IE Programming) on the way out to say goodbye or thanks to.

The staff of MFF both from the Gaming Department and just staff in general did an amazing job. I am still in shock with how well these people handled themselves in the face of adversity and Terrorism and most of them handled it a lot better then I did. I just became a rank and file zombie because its all I could manage to do to avoid falling apart on that night….

---

This is, However not the end of the story. As much as it should have been. I was prepared to leave all this behind me on the long drive home.
On our last stop an hour and a half out from the Twin Cities,  innouva took a nasty fall on a patch of ice and cut open part of his chin. I was once again thrown into shock when it happened as I watched him fall and slide on the asphalt.

Luckily, a first responder EMT was right there pulling into the gas station as it happened. He was handling the situation before I could dial 911.
They got Innouva to the hospital which was a mile down the street, and everyone else riding in my car got to wait 3-4 hours in the hospital for him to get patched up. All things considered it could have been MUCH MUCH worse. I am very relieved that he is going to be OK.

I got home about 4am when I should have been rolling in around 11 when everything was all said and done. I stayed up for the next three hours talking to a few of my insomniac friends who were still up to keep me awake so I could call in sick to work this morning. I crashed after harder then I have since the incident where I was up for 25 hours driving from Oklahoma and back in 2005.

With the rest I got today, my cold is going away, as is the stress from a weekend that is unlikely to be topped for level of Crisis for me in my entire life.

---

I also got a glimpse of the Journey ahead today at dinner. I have been hiding in the shadows of the Fandom from my family for well over a decade. I’ve skirted around it, to the side. Said I went to “gaming conventions” which started out as a half truth with MFF because I run their gaming department. It was an easy story to fake.

While my likeness was not on the news… my mom managed to put two and two together. She brought the Furry thing up, directly to me saying she knew I took photos at Furry Conventions and gatherings. She asked if I was at the convention where the attack happened. I skirted the question with one final white lie saying that I was at one of the overflow hotels across the street. I was too tired, too exhausted to spill out the truth at that time…

I am… not 100% sure yet how she found this out. I don’t even know how long she has known. I may have been editing photos and not watched my back as she walked in.

Needless to say… my involvement with the Furry fandom both within the fandom and publically IE family is about to change forever. Where this will go… I am unsure.

There are some things that from this weekend I need to leave behind and move on from, others I need to Learn from, and some that will oddly enough open a lot of new doors. I was forced to face some demons this weekend, but I survived. And I will be forced to face a few, namely a very big one soon.
But it was inevitable. This weekend brought out the very best and the very worst in the Fandom to me. The best however far far outweighs the worst.

This weekend showed me that in the the darkest hour, there is no where I’d rather be then surrounded by my fellow friends, associates and yes FURRIES. Because as “weird” as we are. As strange as we are. As many drunks as we have – we are all family.

Its time to take down the Wall. Its time to stop living a dual life hiding Furry from the rest of the world. I can no longer hide and live this dual life because the Furry Fandom has done so much for me. This isn’t saying that I will rub it in everyone’s face. I intend not to by any means… but when it comes down to hiding behind a rock when someone approaches me outside the fandom on it – that is over because:

They are my best friends.
They are my Family that I choose to be with.
The Coward that attacked us at MFF has not made us weaker. He has instead made us STRONGER.
Because I AM a Furry.


I’m literally in tears as I write the last few lines of this…

I have done a lot for the community, and while my actual roles in where I dedicate my time may change; I will always be there to lend a hand to the community when it is needed.

And I have never been so proud to have been involved with the Fandom then I am right now.

Certainly this is, the Best of Times.

Last year at this time of year I was with a friend and his Family down in Las Vegas. It was warm, it was Away from my family and I... hate to admit it but I enjoyed it more then I did this year.

I live with my parents due to convenience and well... my paycheck hasn't been exactly stable for the last few years because I'm an IT contractor. Once I get my head above water financially something happens and I loose the contract or work just becomes unbearable and yeah. That's a subject for another time.

Most people Cherish holidays like Thanksgiving and Xmas because its the only time they get to see their families. Don't get me wrong, my mom made an awesome meal and all but...

However when you live with your family you see them all the time and it becomes a feeling of "this is a day I have off of work and I am stuck at home, ugh".

To top it off my parents invited my step sister who disowned herself from the family 15 years ago and now suddenly wants to make a re-appearance. My father acts like nothing has happened... but I'm sorry... 15 years is a lot of time for it not to be incredibly awkward.

So yeah. I'm sad to say but next Holiday I'm looking at spending it away from family. Its too bad my grandparents aren't in Arizona anymore as in that case I could see Family I don't see as much AND be in a nice warm, scenic place for a few days...

"I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time"

One of the lesser appreciated/ lesser known Elton John songs IMO. It pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. The music video is also... very bizzare and very 80's. It has a lot of suggestive clothing and even a butt grope in it... heh.

I'll admit it. I've had a few rough months. A lot of Drama- and a lot of that Drama is still there and not going away any time soon.

Work has been a rollercoaster. A few contracts here that last a week and that's it. A lot of rejections and "you are ALMOST good enough to work here" type of rejections from employers.

I have another job starting tomorrow. I will be working 3rd shift starting next week (though my initiation with the company the 3 days I work this week will be first shift). I'm taking a slight cut in pay. But I'll be happy if it lasts atleast a few months so I can get back on my feet again.

A lot of things have tried to knock me down over the last few months... but...

I'm Still Standing.

Just a spacer here so my most recent journal is not saying I am streaming tonight (which I am NOT)

Move Along. Journal with real substance coming soon...

So it looks like there is a good chance I'll be starting a 3rd shift Job sometime soon. I don't have a start date yet but I am filling out new hire paperwork that needs to be done before a formal offer and start date is extended to me. This may last a week, it may last a few months... it may last a few years- I am not sure and am not holding my breath yet.

But I have decided to start up my Movie night stream again. Typically it gets a handful of people which honestly is fine by me. I'm not expecting to be the next biggest streaming furry sensation just by playing bad movies and Riffing them. But it is a nice fun interactive little distraction.

Because of the shift change I need to start getting used to staying up LATE at night. I'm going to stay up till atleast 4am till I get my confirmation just so my body is ready for the change. So I need a distraction tonight to keep me up.

I've switched over from Livestream to the smaller independent furstre.am . The actual streaming software is a LOT more efficient on my hardware and the test I did the other night was good quality and it didn't drop a single time. Plus its less likely to be policed OMG I'm playing obscure bad movies that some studio out there still own rights to....

So, if anyone is interested in joining me later tonight my stream is at: https://furstre.am/stream/Yarrick/. I will post a reminder submission (that I will pull down when I am done) when I'm streaming.

I'll list the movies I've decided on playing in the submission comments when it goes up. I'm also open to suggestions! I have a fair amount on DVD and also have Netflix.

Hope to see you guys tonight!

Some postive news: I may have a strong lead to a job. It would be third shift which would take some getting used to... but it shouldn't interfere with my regular activities too much.

But as to the title of the post: My 2 year contract with Verizon expired today. My old phone was just that, old slow and special. It was pretty much falling apart. I was also on an ancient grandfathered in plan from Verizon from eight years ago, which is the only way I'd stick with them because their current packages are insanely expensive.

I liked Verizon's coverage overall. But when it came down to it NONE of the "freeish" phones Verizon has impresses me that much.

I'm a wolf among sheep. The iPhone or the Uber Huge Tablet sized Android phone does NOTHING for me. I don't need thin. I don't want a huge screen. There are two things I've really wanted on a phone: one of them sadly is no longer made and that is a foldout tactile keyboard. Alas the phone that was falling apart had one x.x.

The other is an actual camera that doesn't suck monkey balls. Even the iPhone 6 and Galaxy s5 cameras which get Rave reviews in all honesty are MEH to me. Its still a tiny pinhole lens. Fixed apeture. Fixed Zoom. Very narrow ISO range. And absolutely NO depth of field.

Cell phones with actual pocket camera sensors and lenses have been in Korea for years. They have never made it to the US until just recently. Samsung did something gutsy. They made two US "cameras that can make calls" The Galaxy S4 zoom and the Galaxy K Zoom.

The S4 is bigger and feels/grips more like a pocket camera. The K is a lot smaller and is more of a "mini smartphone" and is quite awkward to hold from the photos I've seen.

The S4 zoom was picked up by one US Carrier: AT&T. The K was never picked up. The S4 didn't sell that well. It's an Android phone with an amazing camera, for a phone. Yes yes... it can't compare to the quality of an SLR or mirrorless camera, but when compared to any other cell phone camera it blows them out of the water.

Sadly, the S4 is starting to be phased out. It didn't sell well enough for any carrier to carry the newer K model. OMG its a cell phone that is THICKER then two pieces of construction paper. Whatever shall we do DON'T BUY IT ITS TOO THICK @.@

I like the S4 better anyways because its the same size as my old phone.

I decided to jump on it as soon as my contract expired today and went to the S4 zoom. I'm getting a heavy discount on the phone because its not selling well. Its selling for less then the older normal S4 which I find is... Sad.

It meant switching carriers, but atleast I have a modern not grandfathered in plan now. I also scored $150 in Best Buy gift cards since I switched carriers through them ... I'm OK with this too ^^

But I now have a phone with a camera on it that I am not embarrassed to use when I need to take a photo of something quick. This suits me just fine. Like the keyboard, sadly I'm pretty sure my next phone will not have a real camera lens, sensor and flash like this one does... but time will tell.

My phone number hasn't changed, and transferring my contacts over was pretty painless. All I had to do was connect it to my main google account and boom; done.

I might put a photo up in scraps of it later. And I'll be taking some test photos with it soon. For kicks I may take some photos of the same thing with my old phone which was... beyond special for image quality.

Its a major upgrade in the camera. The phone itself is also much more stable and the battery lasts longer. So I suppose I have something positive that happened this week...

You know the rest of the line "It pours"

So I had a relaxing enough weekend in Chicago, But instead of making a happy fun journal about how I'm feeling back on top of things and feeling allright NOPE I don't get to do that.

Because the State of MN is throwing me a fucking wicked screwball. In the form that they are Auditing my Unemployment due to suspicion of UI Fraud.

I've done nothing wrong. I've reported all my earnings with my contractor for the week I did work this summer and again for the week that I was just employed for right now.

Audit is perhaps the absolute worst thing a private citizen can recieve. It can get pretty nasty and they can take as much time as they want to perform said audit. It may also leave a red flag that I was audited on my personal credit record whether or not they cleared my name.

The best case scenerio: I provide them with a paystub to prove the hours I worked. it takes them X weeks/months to do all the administrative work and then reactivate my account, long after I needed that money to pay my bills. No apoligies just a pat on the back and then backpay which comes way too late to be useful.

The worst case... well... lets not even think about the worst case. Its another long really bad Legal word starting with the letter "B" :/

I'm not sure what to do. The only thing that could possibly save me is a rollover IRA which if I receive said funds will further complicate this Audit. .

But it would be money, if and when it arrives, to pay off my bills. If I don't get that or can't get employed in the next month...

That nasty "B" word becomes a very frighting possibility which means:

-No More Car
-Garnished wages for years
-Huge black mark on my credit

That's the worst case scenario. The best case is I get no unemployment, the audit takes less then a month and I figure out some way of paying next months bills off. Either that Red-Tape IRA gets cashed and sent to me... or I start selling off camera gear and raise enough money to get me by for however long it takes my UI to clear or get a job.

Which in the end, is not the worst thing in the world. But its certainly not ideal either.

Looks like it may be time to suck it up and work in a call center again... :/