i got straight C's in all my classes for the second simester (anything lower than and i'd have to repeat the course)

so, yup, finished 10'th grade officiially!!!
im going to be a junior once summers over


my summer reading looks shitty though.... not looking forward to it


eh.....


also, feeling extreamly lathargic...... and just... unmotivated.......
i have to work out soon (im getting FAT AND SQUISHY!!!! ), but i dont feel like moving....
im not hungy, but fucking mom keeps putting food infront of me!!! ( idk, but theres somthing wrong with me.... whenever theres food infront of me, i cant help but eat it! it doesnt matter if im hungry or not....... food makes me sad...... ;; )

i want to write, but am unmotivated.... same with drawing.... want to but....,. unmotivated....
this sucks.... ;;'



anyway!!! sorry about some bitching up there..... not my intent



also

im still working on getting the proper bank account for pay pal, then getting a pay pal

then i will open up commissions!!!!


they are rather important... i need the money for a multitude of things guys..... im being completely serious, i need some money bad



100% tradtitional work

some examples of are:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5974530/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5974218/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5957347/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5884798/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5833398/ (one of my personal faves)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5833325/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5828725/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5829027/ (abstract, but still a fave of mine)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5235058/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4819028/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4818904/ (another fave)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4480604/ (UBER FAVE)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4327956/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/4484337/


AND SO ON




WHAT YOU GUYS THINK?????

---

disclaimer:not everything comes out perfect, sadly.... but i will definiteyl try my best!

several hour lectures on getting a job and going to coliage......
fun..... fun fun mother fucking fun.....
oh, and driving! even better!!!!


- i really REALLY dont want to go to claiage

- the jobs she wants me to do are ones i really just... dont think i could do.....
be a pharmacist.... project manager (like she was)..... she thinks id make a good teacher somehow! a lawyer, a doctor...... being a pencil pusher / desk jeckey (if you dont know why i cant do it... just know.... i would lose my fucking mind and take that pencil and push it into somebodies brain through their fucking eye socket!!!!! (id seriously end up going on a killing spree....))

- i am scared of cars, panic bad, and also get car sick.....


my dream is to be a writer!
not like the greatest one ever, but a mildly successful one at least...
i want to wrie books and short stories and poems, and use money made from that, no matter how little it is, to travel the globe with my mates and whatever friends i can rope into it. i want to study the cultures, languages, and people that live in the area that we visit (places currently on that list being varying places in russia, as well as germany, ireland, poland, norway, and more)

also use some of the money to finance other ventures and craft








having a book published, i researched it a little..... it costs more than i thaught.... so im trying to get a bank account so i can do commissions and attempt to make money to publish a few of the books im currently working on

sooooooooo..... yeah....
those are my dreams..... books and literary works published, travel world and have fun, play around with crafts and such, and learn about peoples all over, all of which with my mates and whatever friends i can get into it (not just irl friend, but you guys too! <;D )


anyway..... if you sat their and read this whole thing, i thank you greatly
though.... im sorry i wasted your time.......

talk to you later my friends

nighty night guys....


imma go up, play with my "toy" for a little bit... then try to sleep.......
(i dont really sleep anyway... my vibrator makes me feel less lonely... i just pretend its my bf)


ANYWAY
sleep tight guys

love you all

~Ian

okay, what i do for comfort is draw..... so.... i think i will open up requests and trades......
just comment here.... make sure you have a reff sheet if you want me to do a picture... if you want a short story or something, a reff sheet would be helful there too now that i think about it.....

anyway, yeah..... reff sheet or good picture needed, and you also need to know what you want
(i will draw and write damn near anything)

and please be patient with me... okay?
...im not... really the most stable atm....

thank you my friends

just comment, okay?

yeah, i expected things to get better.... and thats my mistake... expecting things to get better.... i was looking forward to talking to my mate later..... nope, hes going to be gone all week...... he left for the beach today, suposed to get back wednesday, thursday to saturday..... so... yeah...


helping my aunt move, i foun 30 bucks i was going to give to my parents to help pay the debt for the dogs sergery.... and i just found out...... her didnt make it........
i... i was expecting him to come home all better, feeling amasing and everything...... i would hug him and hold him close, kiss his fuzzy little face all over, take him to the field and let him roll around in the grass, run around....... play with him, pet him.... love him up....
...he.... he had a tumor...... he.... he died..................... at the mere age of 6 (human years) he past.....
i..... i feel like this is all my fault too..... i dont know how..... but...... it.... its my fault..................
i.... i miss that little fur ball........ he has been gone one day........ one day...... and i miss him so much...... waiting at the steps and at the door for me to pet him and love him up and take him out for walks and whining when we werent paying attention to him and brushing up against us.......

god....... -is crying my eyes our irl-

this isnt the first time a serious pet died in my lifetime..... its actually the third..... first was abby when i was about 4.... she was a grey tabby...... rudy when i was like 11..... he was an orange tabby..... i grew up with those two..... they were in the house before i was........ they were my older brother and sister...... now..... rex..... the little fluffy white ball of fluff..............
.......why.,.... why does this have to happen......... just.... why................

abby died of cancer, i think rudy had a tumor too...... but rudy was like 18 in human years.....
abby was even older........


......god.... i feel like.... like this is all my fault..... i..... i dont know how, but i know it is.......

god...... just..... just...............





rest in peace rex..... you were a great little dog...... we loved you rex...... you will forever be in our hearts...... *blows a kiss to the heavens for him*
good bye rex........ rest well...... you were more than a pet.... you were a friend and a brother....
good bye...... enjoy doggy heaven

dont you just FUCKING love how things go from bad to worse
to even worse, to crappy, to crap, to total shit, to fucking hell, to a spiraling plummit downwards into a seemingly endless abyss, to flying down a black casm of hopelessness, agony, dispair.... craving an eternal rest.... losing your mind....

dont you just FUCKING LOVE how things end up that way?

I find it absolutely fucking amasing how things can go so down hill so painfully FAST
and how shit takes FOREVER to geth ANY better? IF AT ALL!!!!!!!

dog, money, family, friends/school, mate..... everything constantly building one ontop of another!

I am so tempted to just make a noose!
i actually figured out how to do it without making the wire snap too!!!


EVERYTHING is trying to kill me at this point....

see, dog needs sergery, mom used money we dont have, putting us in the hole a few grand....
moms just a perpetual problem, brothers even worse... constantly picking fights and ruining everything physically possible, then getting screemed at my by dad becasue im aparently a fucking pussy for not being able to tolorate hour after hour after mother fucking out of a relentless, attention whore 10 year old that thinks the world revolves around him!!!! then more shit from my dad too! my little brother makes the living room a mess after i spent fucking hours cleaning it and making it absolutely fucking SPOTTLESS, and i get screamed at to clean up!!! my dad blames me for the messes even though i have fucking nothing to do with them!!!!

then the friends/school thing..... i like school because it keeps me occupied and away from my family, and alows me to conduct social exparaments and observe the population in smaller proportion. basically observe how people interact and what not.... and, the only time i see my friends is in school becayse shit gets in the way...... so basically, i am stranded with my family with little if anything to distract myself from either my family or the shit that goes on in my head!!! which has been getting fucking worse! and worse! and worse!!! oh, and i dont get to learn anything.... i like to learn to an extent...... OH! and i do my drawings in school and get most my insperation to draw/write there......

oh, and my mate freaked out, crying on live... theres a reason i try to get him to go to bed around 22/23:00
he gets all upset and cries easily when he stays up too late..... i blame myself for this one for keeping him up so we can talk....

then, talking to jp and miss jessica, me and connoes friends, for for a little, i kept getting reminded of just how painfully lonely i am.....

i am stressed as FUCK!!!!!!
i just want to die... im not even sure why, but i feel like i want to and should.....


well.... thats all my bitching and crying.....

doubt anyone read this all....
but thank you ttyl.... maybe

OKAY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!
I AM FUNALLY OUT OF SCHOOL!!!!!


now that I actually have time to sleep, relax, and rest my brain and nerves.... well... its actually more relaxing at school than at home because my family sucks ass and i kind of like working by brain... it distracts me form everything thats going wrong.....


A N Y W A Y ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !


since i have now time to spair, i may open up requests and trades (though i need money... but i have no paypal or whatever for any form of commission... ;~; nor is any of my work good enough to sell....)

~YEAH~
this is more a maybe jurnal....


IN 5 OR SO DAYS, I WILL LET YOU ALL KNOW IF I AM OPENING UP TRADE!!!!!!
I need to learn how to FAR better these skills of writing, story telling, drawing, etc....
so, request pictures, short stories.... etc


about anything too! hard cor yiffins, soft core. gay, straight, romantic, sweet/cute-ness


also, note, i want feedback, reff sheets, ideas for my style, etc!
okay guys?


...please note though that my emotions and mental state are rather volitile at the moment and appear to be getting worse... so it may take a while if i am working on something for you, i may not be able to do it because what you wish to request is out of my skill limits, and.... i really want critique and suugestions, AND FOR GODS SAKE, USE YOUR MANNORS!!! (please, thank you, etc)


thanks guys! love you all!!!!
sincerely
-Ian

...mom took the dog to the vet... dog is suposed to need sergery aparently......

hes been constapated for weeks... months possibly.... bits of a mom didnt listen when it was a minor issue. stupid bitch thaught she knew best as always. (she never knows whats best. shes always fucking wrong!)

anyway, its gotten to the point where the dogs always crying and whining, and his tail end is swollon up. she took him to the vet today... she just called me saying the dog needs sergery.... we dont have enough to pay for it........

i dont know what the hells going on or what to do......
...fuck.... fuck fuck fuck...........

IM SO SO SO SO SO FREAKIN SORRY!!!!!!!

i went through 1000 or so pictures, then i dont know what i hit, but i accidentally nuked em ;~;
over 3000 to go!

IM SO SORRY!!!!!

yeah...... saturday, i got dragged around by my mom.... sunday got dragged to family shit.... was home from school with a debilitating migrane on monday, mom wouldnt let me on yesterday saying that i had the computer all weakend! ><" bs, right?
today, i finally got the computer, so im having what little fun i can

on monday, btw, my mom gave me medicine, theyre pills that look like m&m's
they make you SO FREAKIN HYPER!!!!
i was so hyper i couldnt physically hold still. i was so hyper i cleaned the entire livingroom, did a brutal work out, puked and passed out
XDD

also, started a new anime i really like. its called spice and wolf. a really great anime. i LOVE holo XDD

also started reading the divine comedy. i really like it so far. im already up to canto VIII of inferno.

ALSO, finals tomorrow and friday, THEN IM DONE!!! (at least tenth grade >.> )

uhm.... what else to discuss......

ive been wondering this;
why do they (at school) group the druggies and retards?
i mean, honestly, if i were (caught) on drugs and forced to deal with retarded kids all day, id either kill one (or more) of them, or the people making me do it, or myself.
...just.... why???? whos retarded decision was that????

ALSO!!!!
what do they to with retards after highschool?
ive never seen any outside of the school (that were of adult age).
what happens to them? do they just put them down? melt them into tires? sell them off as slaves to other nations, or sell them as food.... or turn them into like.... meat for animals at the zoo..... or........ (i could go on for a surprising amount of time on this)

also, miss stein, the albino art teacher, is being moved to the middle school, so she was giving random shit away
i got a basket (wich i accidentally forgot in math class ><")
(my friend devon got an old trumpet XDDDD )


uhm..... hmmmm...... i think thats everything worthy of speaking of for now

XDDD

thanks if you spent the time to read this

IM SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN ON LATELY!!!!!
my mom wouldnt let me on... ;;
im so sorry guys


ill try to get on later to update you guys on life, and all that

i love you all <333

~Ian

alright, I have EXTREAM dificulty writing books on my own.... but thats my dream, thats what I want to do now an when I grow older.
its what i want to do as both a hobby and proffession

the problem is, I stuggle with keeping track of what I write as well as executing my ideas.
I have TONS of ideas.....

-I need someone to give me their honest opinions of my book ideas
-I need someone who can give and an honest opinion of my characters, the plot, the themes, and more
-I need someone who can help me go through and make sure everything makes sense
-I need someone to keep track of everything


does anyone want to be a litterary assistant/partner?

spread the word!!!!
(I can have more than one person helping out! HOWEVER!!!! you can not tell anyone of what we are writing, and you can not call it all your own! oaky?)

note me, comment, whatever

and, dont worry, well have both out names on the cover when it gets published!

i just.... i feel aweful... worse and worse by the second....
i.... i was talking to my mate on live.... idk exactly what happened.....
it started when it seemed like he just wasnt listening to me,,,,, i.... i felt like... like he just didnt want to deal with me..... i... i couldnt stop crying... he just got off..... now i feel even worse.... hes really the only one in the world that really makes me feel any better........ ever.......

the last few days ive just been extreamly.... off......
today especially though.....
starting today feeling super tired, but acting painfully hyper to the point i couldnt sit still, not long after that, i sat curled up in homeroom thinking about how minute and meaningless my life and everything i could ever do would be.... then following that in study hall, i had the overwhelming desire to draw and run around at the same time...... idk..... then following that, in art, ms stein said to draw something in the room (because i was falling asleep and needed something to do)... so i drew the skeleton she has hanging up. (its not like a scarey looking skeleton she has. she has a bunch of random crap on it, like a cardboard crown aloft its crown, a plush money drapwed around it neck and shoulders, and more)... i took all the friendly stuff off..... i drew that skeleton hanging by a noose in a closet. but it was smiling, and it had cracks running from the eye sockets that looked like tear streaks..... i ripped it in half a couple times and threw it out..... following that was lunch, where i was struck with the painful feeling of extream loneliness and alienation.... (my bestest friend devon wasnt there today, so i was pretty much alone in art and in luch as well (our lunch table is me, devon, and this stoner kid named brendan.... i dont particularly get along with brendan.....))....... then, following luch was math, where i just felt like laying upon the ground for days at a time to feel myself withering.... just decay under gravitys mass and sufficating in the lack of circulation and air in the school...... just... simply decay and drift away.... (not to mention i failed a test, and was laughing about it. i knew everything that was going on for once, but for somereason, i couldnt helo but laugh. laugh that i knew things no one else could figure out. that i found it childish in some ways where other found it absolutely impossibe.... i even laughed that when i got a test back and it had a big red F on it and it read "see me after class" (i just walked out when the bell rang... didnt feel like dealing with it))
then at home, i felt just.... angry.... like a stick of dinimite if you cut the string to an eighth of an inch and covered it with gasoline and surrounded it with propane tanks
the smallest things have made me flip out...... then now...... the uncontrollable crying.......


whats wrong with me...?
i... i just........
i dont know whats going on.... i feel...... so..... alone..... like.... no one wants me around...... like.... i should just be gone........ disappear like the clouds into the night, never to return, but to be replaced.... never truely noticed.... quickly forgotton with little trace......



look guys, dont comment with "haha, you fucked in the head little cunt"

look, i type up what i feel and put it up here. i do it because it helps me get out what i feel and deal with it. it makes me feel as if someone pays attention and gives half a shit, okay?
so just fucking deal.
nothing nice to say? fuck off and see you in hell.




....................

i think its the limes....

i had limes for breakfast every day this week so far, and felt amasing!
we ran out yesterday..... the happy wore off ...painfully so...
i feel... really like i just want to die....... not only that but that i desurve to as well......

....idk......

i hate my freckles! i want them gone!!!

how do i do it?

sometimes i really wish i could be a sexy little bem boi.....
but, i dont really want to not be mannly... i want to maintain my masculinity.....

i just wish that every so often, i could just go look like and act like a femboi, but.... i cant ;;
i can act like one, but its not the same.... ;;





(sorry for the random jurnal.... im just.... really out of it... i guess.....)

worth keeping on my watch list:

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/tylerrzz/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/swe.....itterbabyfire/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/bubblebutt/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/odoke/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/delectable/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/bi-ryuchan/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-fang-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-kaia-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-ko-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-lexa-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-loveless-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-taylor-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/.x./
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-xx-kira-xx-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/00aki/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/2tailedfoxx/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/5p1ic3/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/612/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/9223titan/


people that.... i really hope forgive me.....:
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/mrfluffers/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/leafthornton/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/pinkpepper/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/malluch/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/-sylo-/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/00freeze00/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/2x2l/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/3t/
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/96/


i feel aweful about unwatching all these people....
this is how many ive gone through so far.....
many many many more to go....
my goal is to go from 4000's to 2000's
.... im not looking forward to it.... ;;

http://chan.yiffy.tk/rl/girl+with+b.....y+paint/91742/


that picture.... omg

I IS X/////3
AND IM FREAKIN LOVIN IT!!!!


FUCKIN JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am seeking to have intellectual conversations about anything with anyone. i need a splash of brain activity after a long day at school having my brain rot with the fucking retards i am forced to be surrounded by.

please, anyone!
any topic!
MAKE IT SMART!!!! PLEASE!!!! ;;

hey, wasnt on much, and will continue to not be on much..... my laptops broken.... we dont have money to get it fixed.......
yeah.......

on my moms laptop atm.... am tired as hell... idk why... just kinda feel like shit all over......

schools coming to a close..... i dont think ill get to see my mate as planned.... which really.... really really sucks..........
...ive been feeling painfully depressed on and off and had as fit of paranoia the other night that really wasnt pretty........

uhm..... idk what to say.....

i miss talking to you guys and hearing from you all and everything..... ;;
i love you guys



-ian

sorry for the serge of crap guys, i had 34 things that were scan worthy (3 of em got messed up, it was 37)
turns out, moms laptop works with the printer, so i scanned a TON of crap

get ready for a few more blasts of crap, lol



if you dont know why im on my moms laptop atm, look here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2386430/

yeah... im on my moms laptop right now... the only computer left working in the house.......

i wont be on long, i wont be on often..... ;;



in trying to fix my laptop, i royally got fucked....

ill try to get on as much as i can.... but i... im sorry...... im so sorry guys -cries-

this sucks!!! its one thing after a freakin nother!!!!!!!




anyway... yeah... wont be on much at all... for a little while...

ill try to keep up with you guys as much as i can


i love you all, and will be missing you all ever so very much!!!!!
;~;



yours truly,
-Ian C. Hayes

it only works on safe mode... on safe mode i can barely do shit and it doesnt work, trying to restore it because somehow the previous save points or whatever are gone, and i cant restore it to factory settings like i REALLY want ><"



anyone think they can help?


any techys that live in PA near havertown would be the most beneficial


thanks guys ;;