Eh... it has been a weird few says.... been really mood swingy lately and having some midlife crisis type thaughts (at the age of 18... but I've thaught like that what I was 17, 16, 15, even 14... "I'm not going to live forever, I should do something interesting with my life" kind of thaughts)


I don't know.... I am a bit of a scaredy wolf, so, I don't think I will go get a motor cycle, go hand gliding, go exploring somewhere or whatever else is normally attatched to midlife crisis things...... but... I don't kknow, I do a lot abof thinking, particularly about my own mortality.... I want to leave this world having brightened at least a few peoples lives a little or have some sort of impact.... part of why I want to be a writer... immortalize my thaughts and beliefs and things in a fictional tale for people to find some entertainment in or something... also why I want to be a teacher, sorta... I was a pain in the ass of a student, which makes me think I will be a pretty good teacher, I have more insight to the receiving end of the bullshit and whatever and have a beter idea of how to deal with not just an unmotivated student, but one that simply refuses to work (I did that for a little bit)... id know how to reach a few people that just need a little help getting their shit together.....


*sigh* really, deep down, all I want to do is help people and learn.... that is all I have any real passion for and all I really find enjoyment in... I had fun volunteering last summer at all sorts of places.... and I've always been obsessed with learning things.....
I don't really know where I am going with this... I am half just venting, half rambling... sorry
I'll just... shut up and go to bed now....
Probobly just. Going to die without doing anything helpful to anyone, my children, provided I have them, will probobly hate me, I won't succeed as a teacher and will have to work 2+ jobs to support my family or just work some shit job if I am alone........
Ugh.....
Mood swings suck...


Anyway, night guys and gals...
Sorry if you wasted your time reading this or my other jurnals today



-Yiharbin

Look upwards and onwards into the night sky. Those beautiful, tiny pearls of light called stars are suns deep in space whose light is visable from here. Some of those suns may have died long ago, but there light still shines brightly.

That's how I want to be. When my fire goes out, I want my light to be seen, what I did and who I am, long after my light goes out. I feel as though that is how we all strive to be, or at least want to be.

What happens when the fire burning inside you dies down, and what has been fueling you is now nothing but ash? What happens then, when you have near no desire left inside you, no sun peaking over the horizon, no moon in the sky, no guiding light... what happens then?

Hello friends
I need a spot of help with improving my drawing and stuff.... I need help finding boring, generic poses that I can use to practice.... I almost never draw these days, and I am losing my touch...
Also, any help or advice with improving would be insanely appreciated! I know there are some parts that my struggles show through. I really need to get better and start drawing more... School is getting weirdly stressful, and I need a little bit of an escape... It is difficult focusing enough to get writing, so, I figure drawing would do me some good.

thanks guys and gals!

Love you all

~Yiharbin

Ugh.... it has been one hell fuck of a week...
Monday.... well, something happened that I don't want to share with the public
Tuesday... I really bombed the crap out of a big history test
Wednesday, I had an anxiety attack
Thursday, my friend hassled me into writing my english narative essay on the time I got raped.... which, as you could imagine, is kinda difficult.... on top of that, I caught the sick that my dad braught home, and that is ontop of already having my allergies acting up
Friday, mmissed the bus I needed because septa sucks nuts was almost late for class, still sick, worked on the ppaper about the forementioned insident.... and, aparently, it is sin awareness day or some shit, and the local bible group was preaching, but the whole little congregation is standing their attempting to argue with the guys, because the extend of how bigotted they sounded and how they made it all sound....... ugh... and I tried to argue with this guy, after he made this girl cry, I don't remember exactly what was said, but he was fucking talking in circles and seems to have an understanding of a logical falacy, yet is thickheaded enough to not see when it is applied to him.... just... uuuggghhh...... I don't know why I stayed there and tried to argue for as long as I did... but.... man, that wa... agrivating... these people don't seem to realize that what they are doing is converting people FROM christianity and is pushing for the oposite of what they clame they are tying to do....

So... long week was long....

So, earlier today.... I was at the college, waiting for class to start, and I had like a solid hour to kill.... I sat down and started thinking... and thaught and thaught... about so many things ... I don't know, my brain just exploded randomly and went off in every direction..... I suddenly was breathing really hard, got super dizzy, then puked (I was right by the door and held it until I was outside and I puked in the grass instead)

It was really weird.... should I be worried?

...

So... yeah... I'm not dead, at least not entirely XD
But, no one gives a flying fuck, so why bother to anounce it...


I feel so old.... at the crazy old age of 18.... I feel like I am 40 or 50 some times... joints hurting, sitting on a bench outside, watching the youngsters that I can't relate to and that have some weird crazy culture just interact with one another..... just watching and thinking a little.... ugh.... going to bed at 9pm usually, just to wake up at 7am and get up for collgeg.... but... ugh..................
Well, this is just a tired jurnal, hastily typed with a tired brain ^^;

I'll try to be more active, FA, I promise

Yeah, so I went to a wedding yesterday
My cousin... I can't spell for my life, Catelin, I think is how they spell it? I don't know...
But, her dad, my dads brother, is freakin' loaded because he started his own buisiness, selling pharmesuticals to doctors... he started it up after working under a woman for.a few yars who did the same...
So, they went pretty all out XD
They rented out this place in down town philly... really nice, really fancey... the band they got for the after wedding partying was Jellyroll, who is actually kinda famous, they even got the philly phanatic (his jersy says phanatic, not fanatic, soooo), which was a bit of a surprise, but considering my uncle and the bride are sports fans and all and really into baseball
This family always does something crazy or over the top XD
But how he introduced the phanatic was... something like an ex wanted one last dance with the bride... Cate was horrified, initially, and everyone is like what the hell (and he had a beer in hand, people thaught he was drunk), and then the phanatic danced his way into the room, lol....

So much food, extravagent... well... everything. A chandeleer bigger than 3 people sanding ontop of one another in the middle of the room, well decorated dining tables and things.... met a number of family members that I didn't really know, too.... in a good and in a bad way, lol

I kinda got stuck at the kiddy table, lol, the cut off age was 18, so, the kiddy table was the 20 somethings.. the only ones I knew there (at this table) were Johnathan and Mariel (husband and wife, and they have the sweetest little girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, loves to smile and laugh... nothing like either of their parents XD ), I came to know a few of the others... I suck with names, but this one girl is drop dead gorgeous, tall, thin, brunette with very distinct features... like, best looking in the room (of between 2 and 3 hundred), and she is a lesbian, lol... we had an interesting conversation about careers and things... 1 woman at the table is a teacher for temple university, one was an ex highschool teacher, and another is going to go into teaching gradeschool... aparently teaching runs in the family (I want to go into teaching too, lol)... this girl at the table, think her name is megan... she talked me into drinking.... like... first two were "captain and coke"... and she got me on the dance floor... that isn't. I do... I don't ever dance, I am awkward, don't move to music well other than a light bob of the head with a few songs......... sooo.... that was interesting.... later that night, her dad, a close cousin of my dad, has some interesting stories to share about my dads shenanigans XxD
Turns out my dad dint tell me everything, like taking out the roof of a drive through at mcdonalds with a 16 whooler back when he was a truck driver, or getting sick from eating monkey on a stick (I was aware he was a truck driver, and that he went to south ccorea, but I've never heard these stories befor)

And later-er that night, same guy gave me a beer, with my dad encouraging it.... turns out that I don't like beer XD drank half of it and put it down on the return/trash trey... but his daughter, Megan, kept brinking me drinks... beers, to be exact... I drank like 3 or 4 half. Beers XD danced a little... was kinda fun

Soooo.... long story short, was fun, tried new things (like calamari, lobster, muscles, clams and oisters, shrimp.... crazy stuff... alcohol)
Soo... it was fun, interesting stuff happened

Today was the first day of college for me
It looks like it will be an interesting challenge, but don't expect to hear as much from me or see as much from me for a little while
As if lacking my own computer weren't bad enough.. now college XD

sorry guys, I love y'all!

Okay... I haven't been in a drawing mood in a WHILE... I am going to try to ease back into the swing of things... So, I am going to open requests
BUT THERE IS A CATCH!
My characters only
and only one character per picture
ONLY BECAUSE THESE ARE WARM UPS, going to keep them simple
as simple as possible

so... really, they are only suggestions

comment here with your request/suggestion

Time... too many things come with time, and time itself is just a word... time, not the word but rather its meaning is too inconsistant to rely on... besides, everyone treats time as if it were a constant, as if it will forever be at their side... no one dares to consider that time may leave their side in an instant, that their sun will set as the sun rises... no one can see the sand dial ticking down within themselves, nor can another see it within them... it is just ticking, timing down from a time ungiven or otherwise unknown.... there is no way to secure ones immortality other than through their art... immortality of the body is impossible, and what the reality of your existance is in the hands of secand hand sources and observations rather than ones own life... biographies are mere words on a page and can easily lie... one knows not the real abraham lincoln, george washington, adolf hitler, mahatma ghandi, only what is written of them and shared of them from others who are not them..... the only thing that can't lie is that which may not be real... sure, a book may be fiction, but within its words, hidden under the print lies the soul of the writer... a painting cannot lie about the life of that who painted it... one could not twist its words or meaning so easily....... a sculptor, a writer, a poet, a painter... their soul is eternal in their work, and that is where their immortality comes....

This is why I insist upon being a writer and publishing my work... to achieve something that will exist in this world beyond myself... an accountant, a plumber, an electrician, a project manager or corperate or buisiness type... they will be less than a foot note in history, they will be non-existant... but a writer, a painter, a poet, a musician, an actor... an artist... their work will carry their soul on in this world... Look at the work of Mozart or Vivaldi... look at the paintings of van goh or da vinci.. look at the writings william shakespear or edgar allen poe or robert frost or emelie dickenson... all of it timeless, the souls of the creators carried on through time, granting them immortality......

This is the current list of people I owe to the best of my knowledge....
IF I OWE YOU, COMMENT HERE


Commissions:

( https://inkbunny.net/jorun1981 ) I owe something similar to https://inkbunny.net/submissionview.php?id=442575 but with his character in place... reach for the stars

( https://inkbunny.net/RollerCoasterViper59 ) I owe a picture of his char... Max I believe... playing with electricity... hands together and lots of electricity? >>MADE FREE<<

Trades:

( http://www.furaffinity.net/user/ifay/ ) I owe a headshot of ( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11093021/ / http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11111599/ )

( http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lovelessxlawliet/ ) I owe their chars ( https://www.furaffinity.net/view/11062595/ + https://www.furaffinity.net/view/11042975/ ) cuddling (more details/info: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4869338/ )

Request/other:

( https://inkbunny.net/Jancit ) I owe a pic of his char (https://inkbunny.net/submissionview.php?id=385459) cuddling ^^; >>gift<<

A) I am such a horrible person.... I never do anything right... I am a failure and I cause nothing but problems wherever I go....

B). First of all, just this morning you went to wawa and got a coffee for less than a dollar and a half and give the lady a 5 and told her to keep the change.

A) but... that isn't anything... I didn't need the money...

B) yeah, you do. Your ass is paying for groceries for the house until moms next pay check.

A) that is why I try not to eat too much... stretch what we got....

B) you pay for the food and don't eat it to keep the family going. Is that really that terrible?

A)....

B) and every time you go somewhere, you don't leave the door open for the next person, you stand there like an idiot holding it for everyone, and once there is no one else coming, THEN, you go in. What do you call that?

A) -silence-

B) and after coming home from an early morning walk, giving everyone you pass a heartfelt hello, you came home and made pancakes for the family

A) but the refused to so much as try any.....

B) well.... you made em with good intent, even if the people you made them for were ungreatful as usual....

A) every time I cook, it is dismissed as a mistake and I am forced to eat it all so it doesn't go to waist....

B) and the few times they have, they've loved it

A) even if 9 times out of 10, they all refuse to try it and make everything go to waist....

B) that is them not you.you pick up trash from the sides of the side walks and streets just to make things look nicer....

A) that is just the OCD that didn't go all the way away

B) bull shit, that is you being nice. You pley the demon, play evil all the time, but when your family or people like that arnt there, you are almost disturbingly good. Seriously.... you caught a womans rujn away dog that was wandering down the street, took him back to his owner, and turned down the reward money... you cleaned up streats that are over 3 miles away from your own home... you tip hard, you offer your help to complete strangers all the time..... you really rhink you are a monster? You dare call yourself evil? Really?
You're lying to yourself

A) -silence-....






Blah.....

it is an artistic dry season... I can have ideas, but it doesn't appear that I can do anything about it... drawing or writing.... just not happening, you know?
all I can think to do is just wait for the inspiration and drive to return ;;

sorry guys and gals

Are both open, but slowing in the going

My prices are pay what you want, but please, I would rather have nothing under 1$... and it is cheap regardless of coloring and all that, may charge a little more if my marker dies when I was coloring your pic (just because I need money to replace the markers, you know?)

I Don't draw more than 3 chars in a picture, I DO draw porn if that is what you really want,... uhm.... I don't have many rules and am pretty open to things
But, yeah, I am open

Lol....... I love testing things, so I tested to see how out of shape I am................ its about 100 degrees.... I walked about 3 miles out.... got lost in the back streets... heat exhaustion started, lost sense of direction.... still had to walk 4 miles to get home.... no money on me to buy water, no places that have water fountains......... started seeing spots, losing feeling, even got to the point where I couldn't see straight and I had small salt deposits on my skin (from all the sweat evaporating but the salt in it not going anywhere....lol......... I'm sitting infront of an AC with a big cup of water now, but I almost didn't make it XD my curiosity almost got my dumb ass killed from heat stroke....

I used to watch documentaries freamy quently, but there doesn't seem to be any good ones worth watching lately.... need mental stimulation
Help?

Okay guys and gals... I can't draw porn
Like... at all XD terrible at it!
Can't get the bodies to alight well enough and all the parts are like... disproportunate and.... ugh
So!!!
I need someone who is either doing requests or is up for a trade, who is willing to draw me yiffing the hell out of my mate XD
See, he is my sissy little kitty, sort of into humiliation, and in an RP, I said I would drag him outside to the front lawn and breed him like a bitch for all to see, show the world who my sissy girl is, make him moan out in lust and pleasure loud enough for the neighbors blocks away to hear him being bred like a bitch
XDD
I am only like this with him, lol
Anway, I want... need someone to draw out that little sceen for us
Make it as kinky as you want, hell, have wide-xeyed passers by... a mother or father covering their childs eyes, idk XD make it dirty, make it funny, make it interesting... I will leave a lot of it up to the artist!
I don't expect it to come freely, but I spent all the money I got on commissions for new pens since I ran out of ones good for drawing, so I can't exactly commission anyone.... but I am willing to trade (bare int mind, I've been sorta slow to draw and get things done with all the applying to jobs, graduating highschool, the grad party earlier today... all sorts of stuff, and I don't even have my own computer and need to borrow my little brothers to skan and post, so my end may not be super fast, but I swear I will get it done!)
Please don't ask me to draw you porn though, because, I can't draw it for my life

Comment here if interested!!!
Thanks guys and girls~

You know... I find this interesting... In the summer of 2012, I volunteered at a number of places and helped out in a number of things, and there are a few things that I have taken note of and learned, about the world, about people, and about myself...

One thing that I learned is the difference in thinking between American born and foreigners is that, well, many Americans seem to want more and more and more, want to rise in their ranks and be promoted more and more... more money, more material goods... People want to "Change America for the better" or "Rule the world", but foreigners........ Twice have I worked up close with foreigners... Once, when I was helping pick up trash in a near by neighborgood that is a little bit run down... I was put with a group with my mother and two darker-skinned older women. I do not know where they were from, other than it was some island... I struggled to understand what they were saying and it took about half and hour to an hour to really understand and learn how they speak... I gathered that they escaped from somewhere, they are close friends that fled together and came to America, and they are greatful for what they have.... The other time I worked up close with foreigners was when I volunteered and helped new citisens (like officially become citisens... I sat through 4 different ceremonies where they got their certificaes and paperwork and everything) register to vote.... It was amazing the list of places where all these people came from..... People, even families were there... And so many greatful faces and teary eyes and joyful voices... Proud to now be officially American citizens... Nearly all of them looked gretful to be here (with some exceptions... I remember a russian man in a wheel chair that looked like he took a huge hit to his pride... I only know he was russian because when they said Russia (when they read the country, they were supposed to stand up, and he raised his hand when they said russia)... He didn't seem to happy to be there)... It was heartwarming, and sobering in a way... Many people are told to be greatful for wht they have by hearts that themselves do not fully appreciate what they have... I was face to face with people, spoke to people that have came here for new oppertunities, that have escaped from something horrible... It makes you really think... These people renounced citisenship from there homeland, have come to America, have seen things and experienced things you cannot even imagine... We bitch about too much homework and a broken AC and all sorts of things, but..... These are people that have seen their homes burned down, or have lost family, people escaping opression.... people that really view America as a beautiful place, a place of opertunity.

A place of opertunity... That did not mean anything to me before meeting these people... But, where they are from, they don't just lack elected leaders (which doesn't mean much to me. I do not really like elected leaders because something always seems to go weird or go wrong....), they lack clean water, they are opressed, told what to believe and think (worse than people have it here. People claim to be opressed here, and claim they are told what to think and say here in America, but not to the degree that these people have).... It is amazing.... What we Americans sacrifice and concider to be a big deal, and what they had to secrifice....... It is... Incredible....

We Americans are so used to comforts and commododies that we seem to just... accept it, accept that all these luxuries are all there is, and we just want more luxuries and more comododies... but people that dont have ANY luxury see America as a beautiful place as is.... We have so many groups trying to change America, claiming that they are trying to make things better for everyone.... It is... Amazing.



Another subject I would like to talk about is the difference between what is right by heart and what is right by mind... What is right by science, and what is right by morality.... I have volunteered with the national MS society and a few other groups that are doing all sorts of events to raise money to find a cure for whatever illnesses... See, what is right by heart: Cure the illness, help the suffering people... But, BY SCIENCE AND THE NATURAL WORLD... In nature, the sick die off, and the strong survive, and that is how evolution works... the strong live nd make babies, the sick, the weak, they die off and are lost to history.... I believe in nature... Nature was here before man, in nature, everything works together and knows far better than humanity... many times, we have tried to help and things only got worse... in nature, it either is or is not.... Nature knows what it is doing... so I believed that... as horrible as it sounds.... we should not cure diseases like that... we shouldn;t cure cancer, or diabetes, or all these diseases and illnesses.... rather, they should be.. removed.....

That is easy to think and believe when you are watching reality from a distance... But when you meet people face-to-face, when you see people in person.... It is... It is so different... I do not know about you, but I cannot look a cancer patient in the eye and tell them "Tough luck, you have to die".... That is horrible... I do not know what type of heartless monster can do that.... But you see? Science makes sense... Disease exists to limit a species' growth so that they do not grow too big and kill themselves and take all the linked organisms around with them... Food and water and space are the first limiting factors in nature... We carry water with us, have ways of transporting food and water, making food last longer, and we stop building outwards and start building upwards and downwards... then those limiting factors stop limiting us... next comes disease... the black death for example... europe became overcrowded and overpopulated... then, when the plague hit europe (spread by fleas that were on rats from trading ships from China)... The disease spread through the tightly packed groups... many died, but some became immune and lived on... and prospered in the now wide open space.... We modern day humans cure all the diseases, which make it so that our species has no limiting factors anymore.... and our race keeps growing and growing.... until... we hit critical mass as a species and our specied goes under... taking down every linked organism... which is now nearly all of them... we will keep pushing for more space, more resources... and starve out and kill off our surrounding organisms, then our species will colapse.............. Which makes it easy to think about letting diseases just... have their way with what people have the misfortune of having them......... but I dont have the heart, when seeing someone in person........... So, it becomes not so easy to know what you believe.... When you are alone, it is easy to think you know what is better or best... but when you are confronting the world, what you believe i right stops seeming so right..... This is something I have learned about both the world, as well as myself....... It is easy to critisize others, but in the end... there is no right or wrong, just confused or misguided opinions.... What ealy seperates our presidants from dictators, what really seperates different religious groups... Opinions... Perspectives... Alone, one may believe one thing, but when they are infront of people, few or thousands, they question what is right and what they believe...............



Boys, girls, women, men... Friends, aquaintances... Everyone... My knowledge that I have to pass on, the wisdom I learned and need to share are as follows......

-Never think you know what is right and wrong for anyone... One right may have many unforseen wrongs... Like wanting to shower your childe with gifts and praise and give them everything, hand them everything... Sure, it is nice, but they do not learn how to work and get things for themselves, they can be come spoiled... The love you shower them with has to come with a firm hand to help them, but not give them.....
-Sometimes your heart is wrong, but sometimes your brain does not know what is best... Sometimes something you feel whole-heartedly about is wrong... People that have been in deep relationships may know that... you may think you love someone, but later down the road, you find that it wasn't love or was not meant to last, but you come upon another person who is meant to last, who is meant for you
-Always appreciate what you have, because it may not last and it may be something that people have given there life so that you can have it.... Love... Equality... Freedoms, no matter what they are...
-Don't pretend you fight for something just because you click a button and sit on your ass... There are people out there who get up, stand on there own two feet, raise their fists in the air and TRULY fight for what they believe in... You cannot fight casually... It doesn't matter if you click "like" on facebook, it doesn't matter if you sign an internet petition... What does matter is the changes you make in the lives of others, for better or for worse... You have to stand tall and make yourselves heard
-VOLUNTEER! You never know what you will learn or will find... You can find plenty of places to volunteer... I've prepaired food for the homeless, helped out with plant sales, ran boothes for children (and there are few things more rewarding thn a childs smile and admiration...), I have helped run pit stops for runs and bike-a-thons, I have helped new citisens register to vote, did data entery that determined the funding for an old persons recreational center.... I have worked with the young, the old, the people who have money to spare, the people who don't even have a roof over their heads, the athletes, the ill.... I have met so many interesting people and had so many experiences.... not for money either.... I cannot even begin to express how I feel about this.... It is not for money, it is for people, it is helping out where needed.... It does not matter where, does not matter the group, get get out there and help!









These are my thaughts..... Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope it has at least made you all think a little, at the very least.

Been feeling... idk, out of it lately...... weird dreams heere and there....
I never used to be able to sleep, but now I am sleeping like 10 or so hours per day, but am feeling more tired than ever..... sleep has been like... lay down and close my eyes for a few seconds, then suddenly its noon or later, and I am more tired than before (it is a pretty. Consistant sleep schedule... body falls asleep at 2 or 3 am and waks up between 11 and 1, so it isn't some crazy sleep schedule at work here)

I don't know....
I sort of feel as though I am bored of life...... I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything half productive, likke drawing or writing or something.... instead, I lay on the couch or floor and stare at the celing, or play xbox (my desperation for some kind of entertainment has gotten bad enough that I beat the MW 2 and 3 campaigns on all difficulties FOR FUN, as well as the darkness 2 campain (normal only), have almost all diomond guns in black ops 2 multiplayer (the only reason for almost is because the game broke thanks to dad), beat the mass effect 3 campaign, and a few other games off the top of my head... and this is over the course of a few weeks, if that!!!)
Life is just... idk.... I normally like day in day out life, but not when it is this unproductive.... fuck, if it were same shit every day with an end goal or creation of something... or, fuck, even working with people, it wouldn't be so shitty.......


Sorry for whoever took the time to read mmy incomplete ramblings.... I am just so... bleh... you know?

Anyway... ttyl guys...

lol, I am not dead!
Just busy!

I graduated from high school on the 15th
and I have been applying for jobs to pay for tuition
have applied to a bunch of places in the past few days
now, we play the waiting game!


I, for some reason, seem to be unable to draw. I can have ideas, but when I pick up my pencil or pens.... I just cane make anything come out.... ^^;;;;
All the stuff I have been submitting is stuff I scanned a week or whatever ago and am submitting every few days... I haven't drawn in too long >.<
bleh!!!



anyway, how are all you guys and gals doing? well I hope ^^

Idk.... seems like lately, emotions have been getting the better of me.... been struggling to rationalize things out, my brain descided to just sort of.. turn off... and... idk, I have been bouncing back and forth between optimism and joy, and anxiett and swirling depressive episodes......... and I don't really know what is wrong with me......



On a loosely related... not really related note, I am looking for ways to improve my brain (for free)... idk, my already horrible memory is getting worse..... by problem solving and puzz,e solving abilities got mauled.... idk, I think I need something (free) that challenges the brainlitte enough to be sorta fun, but yhard enoujgh that it requirs rork, if that makes sense

Good night, fellpw fuzz butts

Idk.... seems like lately, emotions have been getting the better of me.... been struggling to rationalize things out, my brain descided to just sort of.. turn off... and... idk, I have been bouncing back and forth between optimism and joy, and anxiett and swirling depressive episodes......... and I don't really know what is wrong with me......



On a loosely related... not really related note, I am looking for ways to improve my brain (for free)... idk, my already horrible memory is getting worse..... by problem solving and puzz,e solving abilities got mauled.... idk, I think I need something (free) that challenges the brainlitte enough to be sorta fun, but yhard enoujgh that it requirs rork, if that makes sense

Good night, fellpw fuzz butts

Yeah.... got stuck watching some god damn romance movies and..... idk, with each movie (3 were watched btw), I died that much more on the inside.... each scene just clawed at me on the inside.....
I get these thaughts... where is my shining prince, where is my damsel in distress, where is that person for me?

Idk, its just all.... bleh.... you know?
I am just sort of depressed now....



Sorry....
Bleh…