Today can't be over soon enough.

Miss you like hell, Mom.

I'm at her house. I just finished cooking her kitchen with the pans she was last to use, listening to her Pandora. I feel so sick. She's gone. I don't have a mom anymore. My kids won't have her as their grandmother. Whenever I get married, whoever I marry won't have a mother in law. I won't have anyone to console me and hold me through the worst of my life. She will never see me become a successful adult.

She won't see my 14 year old brother graduate highschool. She won't be there to cry and take pictures when he goes to prom.

She won't be there to bring flowers to on mother's day, or bake pies with all night on thanksgiving, or decorate the tree at Christmas. Never, ever again. I'll never find another sweet letter from her. I'll never, ever hug my mom again.

I feel like I don't have anywhere to run to, anymore. My dad is alive and well, but he and I aren't close anymore. He likes my brother better, doesn't seem to care for me much. I need to move out from his house. I need to find a home for myself.

All of this is so fucking absurd. It's not even been three weeks since I learned she was terminal. This isn't fucking fair. We were so close to having a good, healthy relationship. We were so close. I worked - no, WE worked so fucking hard to fix our relationship. We worked so hard, and now she's gone away and I don't have a mom anymore. This isn't fucking fair.

She died peacefully at nine this morning.

She will likely be gone within a week. She has severe internal bleeding. Hospital is keeping her tonight. 4 unit transfusion. We've called hospice. I'm getting new ink tonight for her. Ruby throated hummingbird and heavenly blue morning glory.

No chance. Tumors are too large. Bilirubin is too high. This is it.

Mom is about to go in for testing to see if they can do a transplant on her. Wish us luck. If she can get a transplant, I will be her donor.

Doctor said she has six to nine months. I've been thinking about this, and there is no possible way she has more than a few weeks with how little her liver is actually functioning.

Doctor is an asshat and a liar giving me false hope like that.

She wants to be cremated.

This is probably the last picture we'll ever take together.

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos....._1183469_n.jpg

My mom's liver is three times normal size. She's in end stage liver failure. They've stopped her treatment. She has, if we're extremely lucky, six to nine months to live.

I keep looking at her, sitting outside on the back porch, and it's like looking at a ghost. I already know how this is going to end. Oh, God.

We're not going to the Mayo clinic because my mother's fucking insurance won't cover it. Heartless bastards would rather let her die than cover it.

She looks so bad. I think she's going to die soon if we don't fucking do something. I wish I was more in the loop. I'm next of kin. I should be kept in the goddamn loop. I am an adult.

I feel so hopeless.

We've gotta drive Mom to the Mayo clinic on Tuesday. She's getting worse. She's got c-diff. Today is her birthday and she forgot my name.

I'm really scared, guys.

Mom's cancer is more serious than I thought. Three large tumors, fourteen small ones. She's on chemo and another pill to stop the ammonia toxicity. The ammonia toxicity gave her dementia-like symptoms. I just spent the last week caring for her. I'm exhausted.

I'm a match for a donor. When the tumors are small enough, they'll take half my liver and give it to her.

Cancer was caused by a combination of hemochromatosis and Hepatitis C, type 4. Wish us luck, we'll need it. Doctors are optimistic, but... it's cancer. Cancer doesn't die easy. Mom isn't exactly the youngest person, either.

Turns out why all my friends turned their backs on me around last December was because Raymond, the last person I called friend in Wichita, told everyone I was proud that Alisha hurt herself over me. Alisha messaged me out of the blue, telling me that, saying Raymond said I wanted to "go off on her". No wonder he didn't want to tell me. I'm not sure what hurts more, that he'd say that and then pretend to be my friend, or that those people I called friends would believe such bullshit. I don't know. I would never, ever say anything of the sort. It crushed me that she hurt herself over me.

I'm done with Wichita. I can't deal with this place anymore. Izzy's coming back for spring semester, and then we're gonna go on exchange to California or something maybe. We'll see. I just can't cope with this place anymore. Too much disappointment.

Yes, this is shameless advertising for the website I draw for:

http://www.aywas.com/register/referral/4243/

Join, and be merry. :]

Mom has liver cancer. Three tumors, no cirrhosis. She can't get a transplant.

God.

My torn ligament in my knee is all healed!!

But, I now have pneumonia.

|: Really? Ughhh. Can't see a doctor until Friday, and even then, I'm not sure if I can afford it. I want to go back to workkkk. Sigh.

Got hired as an official hybrid artist on Aywas.com.

Sweeeeet. :]

My good friend got fired from our workplace the other day because he was at a doctor's appointment when the other two people on his team got fired for negligence, and he wasn't there to take care of the kids. The BGC knew of this appointment, and he was a pretty integral part of our staff.

So, now, I'm looking at working during fall alone in my area, trying to maintain control of 25+ kids at once while also giving them the one-on-one tutoring help they need, and frankly, it's terrifying. I'm considering looking for work elsewhere, because honestly I don't know if I'll be able to handle the stress of this job by myself.

I'm worried, though - I'm going to need most of December off, and I'm not sure what jobs I can get that will let me do that. I want to continue to work with kids - perhaps I should apply at the public school district or something. I don't know. I'm just really intimidated.

Thoughts?

You guys should message me. Seriously. I'm bored and my contacts are growing thin. I won't bite. :3

Yes, phone, I'm quite sure.

I'm comin' out of my cage, and I'm doing just fine.

I have to miss at least three weeks of work. That's about a thousand dollars I was counting on that won't be there. It turns out I tore the outside lateral ligament in my left knee.

Fuck everything.

I was walking, nothing special. Knee gave, went pop, and now my kneecap is migratory and I can't walk.

Fuck knees.

Fuck everything.

I'm on my phone so im sorry iif this iss not spelled rightt and there is rum and happy fourth ok have good one

There are a rare few nights in my life where I've sat up all night, just talking and being near someone I care for.

We sit up, watching the world sleeping, talking about this and that, you and me and we, and the world at large. We huddle under my blanket, sitting so close so we can touch each other "on accident" and it won't look forced. Reveling in our combined warmth. Watching the moon climb higher and then sink, watching the first bits of dawn chase the night from the world. Watching the last few shreds of the dark clinging in the branches and leaves of the trees, before being kissed away with some bright gold touch. Breathing in the first air of morning together.

You've given me two nights like that. I hope there are more soon.

Reply to my text damnit.

My parents seem to have a low opinion of me right now but honestly, I don't care.

I had an amazing night. As far as me "getting the wrong idea," I think he needs to figure out what exactly might be the wrong idea.

Ayep.

Apparently that's what we are, and what we're gonna stay.

Thanks for leading me on for a couple months, raising my hopes and then dashing them soundly. Thanks for alllllll the fish.

I hurt and I give up. I give up. You win, life.

His mother is apparently stalking me on Facebook. She has a long history of hating my guts for no particular reason, and apparently she figured out we've been hanging out and she's bitched him out about even seeing me. Christ. So, anyway, blocked her on Facebook for the time being. I'd really like to make nice with her or whatever so he won't stress about it - I don't even know what I did wrong. So...yeah. Help? How does one tackle the problem of the creepy stalkerbitch parent? :/