I don't want to be normal anymore. I'm tired of being things I am not. I'm sick of boredom. I want to make a change. Be eccentic, be artsy, be ME. ME is such a wonderful thing to be I don't know why I don't be it. Much work needs to be done. I need to rediscover myself. ADVENTURE TIME!!!

So I got a call today from the "police" saying that my rape charges have been dropped as there was no "clear definition" of consent. Meaning that although I said "I will not have sex" and "no" when he advanced upon me that it seems I wanted it. Police asked me questions like "What did you think would happen if you went to his apartment"

So yeah he walks. Another rapist set free by our system of "justice"

Oh oh and get this the police officer wanted me to go to the "victims unit". What a 8!7CH

From now on, you can’t tell lies, are you ready?
-Yes

Think back eight months ago, were you single?
-Nope

What do you carry with you at all times?
-My purse, my phone, my keys, my phone charger, lockpick set, hormones, pen, notebook, screw driver set, Glasses, Deoderant, wallet, chap-stick,

Are you a cuddler?
-With my fiancee totally.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
-Dust and miscellanious things my cat knocks under there (I sleep on my couch)

Who was the last person of the opposite sex you text messaged?
- marty-o

How are you feeling?
-Energetic/pissed

Is something wrong right now?
-Yeah, I'm bored and want to do stuff!

Are you mad at someone?
-Not at all.

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
-Depends how much their personality sucks

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
- Talked about building a desktop

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
-I dunno like a handful

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
-No. I don't like wasting life time.

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?
-A handful

Where is your number one friend on your friends list?
- sultry

Do you have anyone crushing on you?
-Yeah a few people >.>

When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?
-Months ago

Do you sleep with the TV on?
-No, not intentionally.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
- yeah, totally.

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
-Yeah once. It was kind of awesome.

Are you jealous of someone right now?
-Never I'm not a jealous person thankfully

Where is the person you like right now?
-The person I love is in Texas, the person I like... well they're all over the place.

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
- Water and snot (cleaning my piercing)

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
-Sitting here waiting for a call to come in, or checking emails

What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex's body?
-breasts, nose, eyes, mouth, hair, feet, hands, butt, ,legs, arms, FUCKSAKE!

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
-Not yet but I want to!

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
-Hells no (but somehow I have for a year and 1 month

Could you cry right now?
-No but I could yell really loud.

Are you okay with the life you live?
-It's mediocre but it could be alot better.

Did you enjoy your day today?
-Not really, no

Do you have a tattoo?
-Not currently no

Would you ever get any piercings on your body, other than your ear?
-Just got my Septum pierced yesterday and thinking about more so sure. Had my naval done too.

Ever had a song sang about/for you?
-Yeah all the time :)

What was the last thing you spent money for?
-Taxi

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
-My sister

Do you call it fall or autumn?
-Fall

11:11… Make a wish?
-Always

Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
- sultry

What were you up to at 9pm last night?
-Taking my lunch break

Do you hold grudges?
-Not even a little. Life's too short to get all worked up over past issues

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
-No that would be terrifying (FFFF Now I want to)

What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?
-Why is this a question in 2012? Who gives a fuck. Love is love, fuck off.

Who was your last text from?
-Childhood friend wanting the same piercing I got

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
-Hah, yeah all the time. It's really inspiring.

One thing you’re looking forward to?
-Getting married in NYC

Are you shy at first when it comes to meeting people?
-Sometimes

Has anyone ever called you sexy?
-Oddly, yes

What color is your camera?
- Black.... duh

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
-No, not at all.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
-Yeah to people who don't know me

Are you wasting your time on someone?
-Nope

Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to?
-All the time, it's fun.

By the way, what is your name?
-Alice

Are you currently in a relationship?
-Yeah.

Do you give out second chances too easily?
-Yeah I really do.

What color is your favorite hoodie?
-Black with a kitty face on it

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-Yeah and I will in a week.

So I'm sitting here bored at work trying to get back into FA. You'd think it wouldn't be that difficult to have fun on an art site that you've been on for like 2 years. But I've changed alot since I was last really active on here and finding something that catches my interest is way more hard than I'd like it to be. I miss the love I had for this site and the fandom and all the awesome art that happened as a result. The physical manifestation of my furry love XD

But no really what is there to do? I guess I'm going to poke around and...comment on stuff? See how that goes.

Also I got my septum pierced DX

I almost died last night... I had a bottle of seroquil and a mug full of water freshly poured. Past abuse just hit me again only harder this time than ever before... I wrote the entire tale down and posted it on a support forum... I'm thinking about going to the police even if it is two years old... I am not sure... Just wanted to write this and get it out. Not going to do anything stupid right now and not trying to scare people, I'll be okay. I just hope I can do something about this. It's too much for me.

Sorry guys Just figured I'd post it

So my main new years resolution this year was to fallow my artistic impulses wherever they may take me and since doing so I have been doing things that often shock and baffle me. I am tring to listen to that inner child and do what it dreams of.

My latest venture is modeling. with the amazing support of  sultry I have emailed Penache models and am inquiring as to wether or not I may apply for their training program given that I am transgender. i am eagerly awaiting their reply. I have a photoshoot lined up with  CS_Silver to get a few good shots of me for my application.

I am really surprised that I want to model as I thought I had given this desire up years ago but I guess now iwth transitioning It has returned. I really don't know if I can pull it off but I have gotten posative feedback from everyone I have spoken to on the topic and this has really helped me stay brave and fallow through. I am nervous about the whole thing because I personally do no thave a very high opinion of my apearance which is not helped by my mother telling me how "manly" I look (despite knowing I'm transgender)

Getting accepted into this school would make me so happy. It would be the biggest slap to my mother as I would be out there more than ever being accepted for who I am and being thought of as beautiful. Here's hoping it works out. Please keep me in your thoughts when you can spare them and thank you for reading. This is a bit rambly DX

Alright so it's as the title says. I am back. I have deleted all my notifications so if you sent me something important please resend it or note me as I had like 80 gajillion notifications and I Was not about to try and sort them all through.

I didn't leave for any particular reason just I had really important things in my life. I jumped inside of a caccoon and have emerged a stronger and better person for it. So with that expect me to find a way to post more art and more journals. To those of you who fallowed me on my youtube channel. You all rock and thank you so much I could really feel the support.

Anyway I'm happy to be back though a lot has changed since I was last here but I think that will only make FA more interesting. Curious to see if it reflects the art! I've already got one HUGE idea for a MAJORLY AWESOME pic I want done.

Talk to you all very soon and thanks for sticking with me!

?





Why is embedding broken???

You.
Are an idiot.
Feminist.
Furry.
Wanna-be-girl guy.
Weeaboo.
Annoying.
Used to be actually intelligent, now you're just a pile of false morals and attention whoring.
The estrogen does nothing but make you look slightly feminine.
Your skin is softer and your hair is softer.
Everything else, still manly
your skeletal structure will remain the same, your facial structure will remain the same (which is that of a mans might I add) and you'll probably never actually have the surgery to chop your dick off and make it a vag.

I'm not even transgender and I think you're a blemish on their community.
People like you are the ones who cause problems.
The ones who blatantly put it out there that they are transgendered.
Acting like its something to be high and mighty about.
Then you wonder why you're not taken as normal in society.
If someone steps up to you, you call them a bigot or ignorant.
You dont seem to understand what ignorant means do you?
Ignorance is the absence of knowledge.
Stupidity is having that knowledge but ignoring it.
To me you're not even ignorant, you're just stupid.
You KNOW what you're doing will get you attention, and you know it will get you negative attention, but you ignore the negative fact and embrace the positive one like it will make the negative one go away.
THEN YOU WONDER WHY NO ONE WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A HUMAN BEING.
I'm not a christian, or a catholic or anything of the sort.
I'm the kind of person who believes people can do what they want to themselves, how they want, when they want, as long as it doesnt bother anyone else physically.

But you.
You're a special case.
A special nutcase.
You think the new Canadian official wants to take away womens rights.
You think america is better than canada, and you hate canada because your internet fiance, who turns out to have two kids and a husband already, was deported for not having a visa and being in the country illegally.
You think your morals are the highest of them all and that yours should be respected like the words of a god.
Its people like you that make other people look bad.
You're nothing but an attention whore, and its disappointing, because I actually do know some pretty cool transgenders, And then theres you.
I dont understand how you can think like you do.
If you ask me, you're not worthy of the body you occupy.
let alone worthy to change it for the sake of attention.

I've never heard of anyone but you faking gay in highschool for the attention.
Now you're a feminist and a failed transgender.
Must be like the jackpot for crazy people. Not only are you biologically male.
But you THINK you want to be a woman, and you are in a womans activist organization. Do you spell "Woman" like "Womyn" too?"
Are you gonna go full trans and then become a bull dyke and just end up looking like a man with tits then too?

I cant watch your videos without thinking three things "This guy has to be faking." "Theres no way anyone can be this stupid" and "Who gave this annoying little man lady thing a computer?"

Sincerly, someone who really really does not like you.



[If anyone has any info on this I would appreciate it as some of the things here I only mentioned on FA]

I don't know how many of you watch my channel so I figured I'd post my most recent update on FA to explain why I've been so busy. well...a few of the reasons.

Video is rendered in 1080p

So I am about to upload 3 new pictures and I'm sorry. I'm mostly posting them for transgender people who have been asking be about the effects of hormones. These are the most recent pictures of me and really show alot of aspects of my transition

I hope you'll all bear with me, this will not be a common thing.

Also if you could. Feedback on the pictures and my transition.

So my mom is not going to attend my wedding because I'm wearing a dress... such a loving family.

That is all

Hey guys, gals and anthros!

To those of you who subscribed to my youtube channel it is in the process of moving. I am taking all my videos to a new channel so that I can just have one youtube channel instead of 3. It's much less confusing for me.

So I am taking all my videos from my old youtube account and putting them on my new one.

So my new youtube account can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/user/AbstractAlice

I hope to keep all my subscribers and all videos will be uploaded over the next couple days and then there will be new videos to come.

Also what do you think of the channel name?

So I just got back from my second medical trip to Halifax. It was a time let me say. It was storming all Sunday so getting off the island was a chore. I guess I'll get to the hormone stuff

I met with my doctor who said my endocrinologist (hormone doctor) who said my hormone levels were at a dangerous level. When I asked how dangerous in relation to where she expected I be and where a normal female is. She expected I would be around a rating of 200 for my estrogen as I am only on 4mgs and have been for only 3 and a half months. A females hormone levels depending on her menstrual cycle can be anywhere between 300-800. However MY hormone levels were 1,100.

My doctor was shocked and asked if I had been taking birth control or any other hormonal enhancement. I told her I hadn't been and I have taken the medication exactly as she had perscribed not deviating once. ( I informed her of my slip up with marijuanna but she brushed it off as irrelevant as it wouldn't cause this)

So my dose has been cut in half I am now back to 2mgs of estrogen a day. She does not understand how my levels got so high, she has only ever seen it happen once before. She is of the belief that my body is just sensative and processes things quickly which tests have shown in other things such as my digestion (takes 30 minutes)

On one hand I am happy my levels were so high and that my bloodwork still showed good as hormone levels that high put me at high risk for blood clots however my bloodwork came back pristine (further shocking) on the other hand... I am scared. I have been transitioning really fast, breast growth and figure developement has been extreme. That is another thing that surprised her: the speed of my developement based on my BMI is surprising to her (I'm a mutant) So I worry with this lower dose things will slow down... I know it may seem silly but I feel somehow special because my body accepted such a high estrogen level without detereorating. I kind of wish I could have above average hormone levels if they mean my transition is so wonderful as it has been. Then again I am told that this is not how it works and that my transition could go even smoother with lower levels as access hormones are not good and mess things up... I dunno. It's another new adventure for me.

Also in 3 months I've lost 10 pounds. That's right. Female puberty and with excersize I'm LOSING weight.

Anyway thank you for reading. hope you comment.

Wow where does time go. It feels like I haven't been on FA for a gazillion years.

Life's been hectic. I don't know how many of you check my vlogs, I keep them up to date and they explain stuffs. Gendery dysphoria is kicking my but so I am trying to look more feminine and progress more. Soon to go and see the endocrinologist again.

Dunno why I haven't been around. My end of FA just seems so dead lately. I've been so busy with transition and therapy and all the likes....dunno. I never thought FA would become one of those things I check like once a month. I pop in every 3rd day to see if anything has happened but usually not so much. I'm not really a digital artist and I don't really submit anything.

Most of my time has been spent talking to other transgender people and helping people in my area as it seems lots of transgender people are here and it's nice that I get to support them. I feel I've changed alot since the last time I was here. I keep growing so fast. It's like I'm growing in overdrive.

 sultry is soon to come home hopefully. Two months now and she'll be back to me. been preparing for that...

I'm trying to join a feminism group but scared to given my birth gender.

Feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, not in a bad way... it feels like the weight of the world, but I've gotten stronger and can lift it with ease....weird life.

Anyway that's pretty much it, I'm going to be moving my youtube account, I'll repost the new address if anyone is interested.

Once again life is unsatisfying. I keep moving forward, gender dysphoria stalking me all the while. All I can do is try to stay ahead.

Once again it's caught up and I am aware of all flaws. A mirror is my mortal enemy for the time.
I need to pick up the pace to get free of these chains that are being wrapped around me.

Time to venture out into the world. Makeup will be my next advance. Moving me forward to the endgoal.
Flat ironed hair and the constant need to be more feminine.

It's a curse

1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you

I realized the word transgender applied to me when I started highschool. I always knew I was however I didn't think there was a word for it. I thought I was all alone and that there were no others like me. I remember running to a friend of mine yelling "I've figured out what I am" and he looked at me puzzled saying he already knew.

So I mentioned a while back that I would be painting again. I kind of dropped off, well now I have an update. I have paints, I have a canvas AND I have brushes. So I will be painting VERY soon. I will not be painting furry art I don't think. I am painting solely to please myself.

I may open up commissions and I WILL be selling my paintings if anyone is interested, They will be done on canvas, some will be abstract and others not. I will be posting paintings I do in my scraps that or I will make another site, I dunno.

I am doing this for me because I need a way to get all these feelings and artistic overload out and on top of that I need more stuff on my wall. I am way too artistic for my own good and painting and poetry are the two things I enjoy.

Though I doubt my paintings will sell I'm going to try as it could help pay for my transition and it would make me feel awesome that someone wanted to buy a painting by me.

Give me suggestions, should I post these in scraps? is anyone slightly interested by the idea? Suggestions? Tips? etc.

Also sorry for my lack of existance I've been lost in my own mind thinking of ways to express myself. This is what I have come up with.

So I am playing FableIII and it is very different and weird I LOVE LOVE LOVE the wardrobe you can keep.

It seems like a pretty competative and fun game. DOes anyone play it online who would like to (insert fun thing in fable here)

I want othe rpeople on my Xbox live who play it as it's going to be my knew obsession for a wee while.

So if anyone wants to add me on xbox live i'm "yuma kutsuu"

ADD ME!!!

I have been meaning to write this for a few days now and shockingly it hasn't left me. This is not a life update but me trying to get my mixed up thoughts on pixels, screw paper.

I don't know where to start so I'll just start wherever I please wether anyone reading this (if any) understand or not.

I've come to terms with the fact that I am an artist. Why do I say come to terms you might ask? Because in reality I have no skills that can really be used as an outward expression of the things that I feel in my heart, head, and fingertips that continue to swell. I have the opposite of writer's block. I have INUMERABLE creative ideas. So many I could never write them all down and I doubt I could ever run out as I've sat on them for my entire life. However I have no way to express them.

I have found solice in self expression in the simple manner of hwow I act or by doing things. However some of these things may seem abnormal and cause others to look at me strangely however I have to do something or my head will explode. I have to drill a theoretical hole in my head to let out the pressure.

Do I have a plan like always to release this? Not at all. It's a most perplexing issue.

This creative overload sometimes causes me to seem like an eccentric which may or may not be true, to be honest I had never heard the word until I met "iconsultry" and I generally try and act normal as with being transgender I don't want to set a bad example for other trans people. However at the same time do I really want to live my life to conform in this very strange place. People love people for who they are so why do I hold back.

It's because people hold back who they are that prejudice exists and why things are "taboo" If more people stopped fearing what others would think and were themselves they would find their quality of life improve. I know since transitioning my quality of life has easily gotten 10X better. Now time to see if we can add a 2x multiplier to it.

What do I mean? I don't really know i don't franklly have words for it and this writing could just be me trying to drain the pressure that is ever building inside of me longing for an outlet. I suppose when I think of it my only other goal besides transitioning and finding love has always been my neverending quest to find an outlet for all that goes onin my head. Thus far I have been unsuccesfull. Merely draining it marginally with haiku or meaningless poetry.

We will see what comes of this. but for now I have to go and wait for "iconsultry" to log online as I am missing her a fair bit right now

There is so much more to this but I cannot put 45% of it into words.

Taataa

So fencing is on DEFINITE hold. Which makes me want to cry as the season is about to start and I really nee dsome form of self defence/exercise but I just did up my budget for the next pay period and it came out to negatives. That's right negatives. I have to say this is a first even for me. I always managed to afford everything and pay off debt but this month I am going to have to live on the poor. Groceries cannot happen so I will have to scrounge and cook everything in the apartment no matter how gross.

Funds have been bad for a while but I've managed to get by however this month is going to be the hardest of them all. There can be no taxis to or from work after tonight. That means an hour and a half walk each way twice a day at 1:30am and 4:00pm On top of that next month I have to go to another province to see the endocrinologist about my hormones.

So this shall be an interesting month to say the least. You will hear many stories of my poverty stricken adventures including walking home late at night. As much as I hate this so much because I miss fencing and worry about my doctors appointment and affording to go ( I cannot miss it or I am taken off hormones so that WILL NOT happen even if I have to go in debt to do it) to walking home after dark. Maybe I'll see some foxes.

Anyway that's just a brief update think nothing of it

Ciao!

So I have a dilemma. Through my life I have taken martial arts here and there and I always enjoyed it. I have been in Judo and Taekwondo. Now in transitioning I realize that the need for self defence exists more now than ever as I am not the type of girl who wants to be victimised nor would I allow it to happen.

My issue is I want to join fencing very badly. It's beautiful, elegant, and challenging as well as within my budget. However it is not practical as a martial art or as self defence and it's application is limited... as much as I want to join I am also being offered to join Kajukenpo Kung Fu which would be very practical self defense... I have been interested in Kung Fu but at the same time I do not want to be there.

However I need to practice self defence... the fencing class is accepting of me being transgender and didn't bat an eyelash, the kung fu instructor is fine with it but expects I will be teased. I don't mind the teasing as I would be there to learn to fight better.... I am just having such a hard time choosing.

Edit: Also fencing fits my work schedule....feck