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Well I guess that's that.
Posted 14 years agoSo my mother called me today. It was the most civil and stimulating conversation we have ever had. She told Dad about me transitioning. He didn't say much except that I need help and of course commented that through my life it has been "one thing after another"
My mother said that she cannot guarantee that when I start changing physically that she will be able to stick around. She then went on to say that she would always love me and I pointed out how that was wrong and that if she abandoned me then she didn't love me she lovED me. As even though I transitioned I am still her child. She repllied "everyone has their limits" I responded "I guess I thought that our family loved eachother no matter what" and she said "No one is perfect"
I always grew up watching everyone elses familiees fal apart but I never really thought it would happen to me. I always kind of figured that everyone elses families were just kind of messed up but here I am... my family is just the same. The only unconditional love I know is that of
sultry Honestly this makes me feel a bit more at ease. At least I know my family is just as messed up and can move on with my life. It hurts because of all thos eyears being raised to believe they would love me unconditionally... I never believed in unconditional love and at least from them I was right... feels like my childhood was a lie.
Another comforting aspect is that my mother doesn't believe in transexuality she thinks people aren't born in wrong gender roles. She thinks it's all in people's heads so to speak. So at least I know it's not me it's every transgender person.
So I guess it's time to move on for me... that child inside of me... I will have to love and take care of her. Just like I did all through my teen years.... y'know what's funny? My method of thinking in my teen years which my parents ridiculed... I was always right about the world. It's corrupt, cold and still riddled with problems.
On another note the right side of my chest has been hurting specifically around the evening when I am at work to when I get home at night. I'm somewhat worried though I am told it can be postural and due to stress.
My mother said that she cannot guarantee that when I start changing physically that she will be able to stick around. She then went on to say that she would always love me and I pointed out how that was wrong and that if she abandoned me then she didn't love me she lovED me. As even though I transitioned I am still her child. She repllied "everyone has their limits" I responded "I guess I thought that our family loved eachother no matter what" and she said "No one is perfect"
I always grew up watching everyone elses familiees fal apart but I never really thought it would happen to me. I always kind of figured that everyone elses families were just kind of messed up but here I am... my family is just the same. The only unconditional love I know is that of
sultry Honestly this makes me feel a bit more at ease. At least I know my family is just as messed up and can move on with my life. It hurts because of all thos eyears being raised to believe they would love me unconditionally... I never believed in unconditional love and at least from them I was right... feels like my childhood was a lie. Another comforting aspect is that my mother doesn't believe in transexuality she thinks people aren't born in wrong gender roles. She thinks it's all in people's heads so to speak. So at least I know it's not me it's every transgender person.
So I guess it's time to move on for me... that child inside of me... I will have to love and take care of her. Just like I did all through my teen years.... y'know what's funny? My method of thinking in my teen years which my parents ridiculed... I was always right about the world. It's corrupt, cold and still riddled with problems.
On another note the right side of my chest has been hurting specifically around the evening when I am at work to when I get home at night. I'm somewhat worried though I am told it can be postural and due to stress.
Obediance test.
Posted 14 years agoSo I need help.
Click this link and I'll really appreciate it.
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lovelesskiax/
Click this link and I'll really appreciate it.
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lovelesskiax/
100 questions meme [almost foolish]
Posted 14 years ago1) Name: Randy (birth) Alice (Chosen)
2) Name Backwards: Ecila (eww)
3) Were you named after anyone?:The name "Randy" is after my father's brother who was killed due to a drunk driver. Alice is the name I have chosen as I make a strong relation in my life to Alice in Wonderland
4) Does your name mean anything?: Not in definition
5) Nick Name(s):Yuma
6) Screen Name(s): Yuma
7) Date of Birth: August 2nd 1990
8) Place of Birth: Maritimes of Canada
10) Current Location: (Same as Birth)
11) Sign: Cancer
12) Religion: My own
13) Height: 5"12
14) Weight: *cries* I don't know
15) Shoe Size: 10
16) Hair color: Brown
17) Eye color: Blue (changes)
18) What you look like: See pictures in scraps
19) Innie or Outie: Innie in ever way (personal joke that you may get)
20) Righty, Lefty: Righty
21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other?: Love is love
22) Best friend(s): So many in RL
waggable
23) Best friend you trust the most: I trust all my friends.
24) Best friend {your sex}: :sophiannakatan:
25) Best friends of the opposite sex: waggable
26) Best Bud(s): This is the same question over and over -frowns-
27) Boyfriend / Girlfriend: sultry
28) Crush: sultry
29) Parent(s): Are they considered parents if they are going to abandon me?
30) Worst Enemy: Society
31) Favorite on-line Guy(s): Alot
32) Favorite on-line Girl(s):
ladymacbeth 
pink.ink 
angryprncess 
sophiannakatan
33) Funniest friend: Hmm.... waggable
34) Craziest friend: waggable(by a long shot :))
35) Advice Friend: sophiannakatan
36) Loudest Friend: I don't have any
37) Person you cry with: sultry
Do You Have...
38) Any sisters: Two
39) Any brothers: No
40) Any pets: My cat Artemis
41) A Disease: Achromatopsia, IBD,
42) A Pager: No
43) A Personal phone line: Yes
44) A Cell phone: Yes
45) A Lava lamp: Nope
46) A Pool or hot tub: I wish
47) A Car: 50% of one
Describe Your...
48) Personality: Polite and kind, sometimes emotional and rash but generally relaxed
49) Driving: I can't
50) Car or one you want: A big safe luxury car (loads of space)
51) Room: Where I sleep. A bed and a shelf beside it.... knives and swords under my blankets.
53) School: Graduated
54) Bed: Box spring for two.
55) Relationship with your parent(s): Steadily on the decline.
Do You...
56) Believe in yourself: Yes
57) Believe in love at first sight?: Yeah.
58) Consider yourself a good listener: Yes
60) Get Along with your parents: I do... they don't get along with me
61) Save your e-mail conversations: Yes
62) Pray: Never
63) Believe in reincarnation: Not really
64) Like to make fun of people: VERY rarely
65) Like to talk on the phone: NO
66) Like to eat: Yes :(
67) Like to drive: NO.
68) Get motion sickness: Yes
69) Eat the stems of broccoli: Yeah... people don't?
70) Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: What?! NO!
71) Dream in color: Good question, I'm colour blind so even if I did...
72) Type with your fingers on home row: ...yes
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: No...I want to
What Is...?
74) Right next to you: A coffee cup filled with water
75) On the walls of your room: Some lame picture my grandmother made me hang
76) On your mouse pad? People still use those?
1.
77) Your dream car: I ALREADY MENTIONEd this!!!
78) Your dream date: sultry
79) Your dream honeymoon spot: Japan
80) Your dream wife: Who do you think?!?!?! sultry
81) Your bedtime: Shift work nuff said
82) Under your bed: There is no under my bed
83) The single most important question: I don't have the question
84) Your bad time of the day: Varies
85) Your worst fear(s): Boys, abuse.
86) The weather like: Rainy
87) The time: 5:04PM
88) The date: June 7th, 2011
89) The best trick you ever played on someone: Poured Pepsi in a toilet and convinced a councellor it was my urine. They turned white and thought I was going to die.
90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: Egg and Marshmellow omlette
91) Theme Song: Her name is Alice
92) The hardest thing about growing up: Accepting that your parents don't always teach you the important lessons and one day you may lose them forever and that the world isn't what you thought it was.
93) Your funniest experience: Making sultry laugh
94) Your scariest moment: We won't talk about it
95) The silliest thing you've ever said: "no the stairs go up"
96) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex: Nothing
97) The scariest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s): Almost got beat up by a thug in the bathroom
99) The best feeling in the world: Being loved
100) 5 people you tag: No one this was almost completely dumb
2) Name Backwards: Ecila (eww)
3) Were you named after anyone?:The name "Randy" is after my father's brother who was killed due to a drunk driver. Alice is the name I have chosen as I make a strong relation in my life to Alice in Wonderland
4) Does your name mean anything?: Not in definition
5) Nick Name(s):Yuma
6) Screen Name(s): Yuma
7) Date of Birth: August 2nd 1990
8) Place of Birth: Maritimes of Canada
10) Current Location: (Same as Birth)
11) Sign: Cancer
12) Religion: My own
13) Height: 5"12
14) Weight: *cries* I don't know
15) Shoe Size: 10
16) Hair color: Brown
17) Eye color: Blue (changes)
18) What you look like: See pictures in scraps
19) Innie or Outie: Innie in ever way (personal joke that you may get)
20) Righty, Lefty: Righty
21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other?: Love is love
22) Best friend(s): So many in RL
waggable23) Best friend you trust the most: I trust all my friends.
24) Best friend {your sex}: :sophiannakatan:
25) Best friends of the opposite sex:
waggable26) Best Bud(s): This is the same question over and over -frowns-
27) Boyfriend / Girlfriend:
sultry28) Crush:
sultry29) Parent(s): Are they considered parents if they are going to abandon me?
30) Worst Enemy: Society
31) Favorite on-line Guy(s): Alot
32) Favorite on-line Girl(s):
ladymacbeth 
pink.ink 
angryprncess 
sophiannakatan33) Funniest friend: Hmm....
waggable34) Craziest friend:
waggable(by a long shot :))35) Advice Friend:
sophiannakatan36) Loudest Friend: I don't have any
37) Person you cry with:
sultryDo You Have...
38) Any sisters: Two
39) Any brothers: No
40) Any pets: My cat Artemis
41) A Disease: Achromatopsia, IBD,
42) A Pager: No
43) A Personal phone line: Yes
44) A Cell phone: Yes
45) A Lava lamp: Nope
46) A Pool or hot tub: I wish
47) A Car: 50% of one
Describe Your...
48) Personality: Polite and kind, sometimes emotional and rash but generally relaxed
49) Driving: I can't
50) Car or one you want: A big safe luxury car (loads of space)
51) Room: Where I sleep. A bed and a shelf beside it.... knives and swords under my blankets.
53) School: Graduated
54) Bed: Box spring for two.
55) Relationship with your parent(s): Steadily on the decline.
Do You...
56) Believe in yourself: Yes
57) Believe in love at first sight?: Yeah.
58) Consider yourself a good listener: Yes
60) Get Along with your parents: I do... they don't get along with me
61) Save your e-mail conversations: Yes
62) Pray: Never
63) Believe in reincarnation: Not really
64) Like to make fun of people: VERY rarely
65) Like to talk on the phone: NO
66) Like to eat: Yes :(
67) Like to drive: NO.
68) Get motion sickness: Yes
69) Eat the stems of broccoli: Yeah... people don't?
70) Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: What?! NO!
71) Dream in color: Good question, I'm colour blind so even if I did...
72) Type with your fingers on home row: ...yes
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: No...I want to
What Is...?
74) Right next to you: A coffee cup filled with water
75) On the walls of your room: Some lame picture my grandmother made me hang
76) On your mouse pad? People still use those?
1.
77) Your dream car: I ALREADY MENTIONEd this!!!
78) Your dream date:
sultry79) Your dream honeymoon spot: Japan
80) Your dream wife: Who do you think?!?!?!
sultry 81) Your bedtime: Shift work nuff said
82) Under your bed: There is no under my bed
83) The single most important question: I don't have the question
84) Your bad time of the day: Varies
85) Your worst fear(s): Boys, abuse.
86) The weather like: Rainy
87) The time: 5:04PM
88) The date: June 7th, 2011
89) The best trick you ever played on someone: Poured Pepsi in a toilet and convinced a councellor it was my urine. They turned white and thought I was going to die.
90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: Egg and Marshmellow omlette
91) Theme Song: Her name is Alice
92) The hardest thing about growing up: Accepting that your parents don't always teach you the important lessons and one day you may lose them forever and that the world isn't what you thought it was.
93) Your funniest experience: Making
sultry laugh94) Your scariest moment: We won't talk about it
95) The silliest thing you've ever said: "no the stairs go up"
96) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex: Nothing
97) The scariest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s): Almost got beat up by a thug in the bathroom
99) The best feeling in the world: Being loved
100) 5 people you tag: No one this was almost completely dumb
New Vlog is up
Posted 14 years agoFamily Verdict
Posted 14 years agoSo I guess it's settle on the family thing. My mother called me... it's been spreading that I'm trangender... no one believes it they all think this is a phase.. I am not wanted around them when I transition. When I look like a female (though they doubt I ever can) I am not permitted to go to their house... my mother says she will still visit but I don't believe her and when I said that she may change her mind once the changes start appearing she responded "No one knows what tomorrow brings" Even my sister wants nothing to do with this..
So Iguess that's it... if I do this family is out of the picture. The feelings I feel right now are undescribeable, If I had alcohal or herbal drugs here... I don't know if I would be able to abstain... Thankfully I got rid of all the booze and the likes. My mind, I just can't believe this even though I knew it would happen...
My imediate thought is to not go through with this... can I be happy as a female with no family...can I cope... I love them all so much and we've been through alot together... but I can't just stop because they say they'll leave me... so then thoughts go to understanding how so many trans people kill themselves... now I see why and how they get the guts to do it... but I have Sultry and her alone is worth living for... so I'm stuck.... I'm lost scared and my family doesn't want to support... my mother even made sure I knew she STILL thinks I wouldn't make a very pretty girl and that I would always look like a boy because of my face...
I can't even begin to explain the conversation but that's the gyst... My mother is telling my father because she acknowledges my fear of him becoming violent when he finds out... so I wait in fear knowing that I may NEVER speak to my father again as long as I live... I could go the rest of my life never hearing from him... my birthday is August the 2nd... Who will I celebrate with...surely not my family... I have to stop I can't think right now. I'll post another journal when my VLOG updates but I just ca't write anymore
So Iguess that's it... if I do this family is out of the picture. The feelings I feel right now are undescribeable, If I had alcohal or herbal drugs here... I don't know if I would be able to abstain... Thankfully I got rid of all the booze and the likes. My mind, I just can't believe this even though I knew it would happen...
My imediate thought is to not go through with this... can I be happy as a female with no family...can I cope... I love them all so much and we've been through alot together... but I can't just stop because they say they'll leave me... so then thoughts go to understanding how so many trans people kill themselves... now I see why and how they get the guts to do it... but I have Sultry and her alone is worth living for... so I'm stuck.... I'm lost scared and my family doesn't want to support... my mother even made sure I knew she STILL thinks I wouldn't make a very pretty girl and that I would always look like a boy because of my face...
I can't even begin to explain the conversation but that's the gyst... My mother is telling my father because she acknowledges my fear of him becoming violent when he finds out... so I wait in fear knowing that I may NEVER speak to my father again as long as I live... I could go the rest of my life never hearing from him... my birthday is August the 2nd... Who will I celebrate with...surely not my family... I have to stop I can't think right now. I'll post another journal when my VLOG updates but I just ca't write anymore
Needles Part Two [Short and "Sweet"]
Posted 14 years agoI am going to keep this brief. I got the needle, it all went well it really didn't hurt until after when it bruised.
Thank you all for your support your advice really did help. Now to wait until the 15th when the first step on this big scary road called Transition or more specifically "Hormone Replacement Therapy"
Thank you all for your support your advice really did help. Now to wait until the 15th when the first step on this big scary road called Transition or more specifically "Hormone Replacement Therapy"
Needles.
Posted 14 years agoSo it turns out my bloodwork requisition came in today so I will be going to get my blood drawn tomorrow. I'm really afraid of needles. Like I'm not kidding I get sick and nearly faint every time. It doesn't matter what I think. I'm not afraid of getting injections but getting blood drawn in any way freaks me out even finger pricks. I panick and almost pass out even reading about needles.
I am thinking about them now and can hardly type I'm shaking so hard. I need to do this my Endo is requiring 21 blood tests be done on me... so advice on how to not be afriad of needles or conquer it anywone? Soooner than later would be good
Love you all.
I am thinking about them now and can hardly type I'm shaking so hard. I need to do this my Endo is requiring 21 blood tests be done on me... so advice on how to not be afriad of needles or conquer it anywone? Soooner than later would be good
Love you all.
Oh God I'm becoming a Zombie
Posted 14 years agoSeriously. In the last two weeks I have worked every day EXCEPT 1 I am some kind of workaholic who is now resorting to drinking coffee to stay awake at my job and make the day go faster, I get home and I am tired and usually fall asleep. I have gutrott from the nasty coffee and I am finding that I am developing a dependancy on it as now if I don't have my 1 cup my motor skills are SHOT and I move at half speed and feel extremely heavy no matter how much sleep I do or do not get.
My parent's are "so proud" that I'm such a "hard worker" I keep wondering... what is to be proud of??? I'm working insane hours for minimal pay and even picking up extra hours and giving up more of my life to make even 100 dollars more from this company that doesn't really care OR KNOW who I am.
Seriously I am not joining the mass of zombies in this world who work their butts off their whole life and get nowhere. It's pathetic. The people who work the hardest make the least amount of money and get the least recognition but singers, athletes, and some guy who made elastic animal bracelets are on top of the world... It doesn't make sense to me.. What ever happened to good ol' communist values (JOKING!!!)
I need to get my stomach medication refilled before I die from coffee. OH AND GET THIS. Canada Post may go on Strike and I may or may not get my medical mail which means my appointment on the 15th will be cancelled.. oh that means it will reschedule for SEPTEMBER!!! and that's at the earliest. Thankfully my province has protocal in place for if the post office does go on strike but let's just hope it works... Plus the endocrinologists secretary is not getting ahold of me in a timely manner... ugh..
The only way I can justify being a corporate zombie is that I am doing it for sultry and to transition and be who I need to be... I just hope my dreams of the future are no delusions and I don't become a zombie working for a corporation all my life... I would sooner die. A friend of mine just got moved up... he was a cool guy and I enjoyed talking with him... but now he's in contact with our contracting company and he's all high and mighty and lectures me when it isn't even his job... They flipped him... he has this delusion the company cares about him. He says things to sound important... I see this all the time... people pretending our contractor cares and making everything sound significant... It's sad... I never want to be like that.
My parent's are "so proud" that I'm such a "hard worker" I keep wondering... what is to be proud of??? I'm working insane hours for minimal pay and even picking up extra hours and giving up more of my life to make even 100 dollars more from this company that doesn't really care OR KNOW who I am.
Seriously I am not joining the mass of zombies in this world who work their butts off their whole life and get nowhere. It's pathetic. The people who work the hardest make the least amount of money and get the least recognition but singers, athletes, and some guy who made elastic animal bracelets are on top of the world... It doesn't make sense to me.. What ever happened to good ol' communist values (JOKING!!!)
I need to get my stomach medication refilled before I die from coffee. OH AND GET THIS. Canada Post may go on Strike and I may or may not get my medical mail which means my appointment on the 15th will be cancelled.. oh that means it will reschedule for SEPTEMBER!!! and that's at the earliest. Thankfully my province has protocal in place for if the post office does go on strike but let's just hope it works... Plus the endocrinologists secretary is not getting ahold of me in a timely manner... ugh..
The only way I can justify being a corporate zombie is that I am doing it for
sultry and to transition and be who I need to be... I just hope my dreams of the future are no delusions and I don't become a zombie working for a corporation all my life... I would sooner die. A friend of mine just got moved up... he was a cool guy and I enjoyed talking with him... but now he's in contact with our contracting company and he's all high and mighty and lectures me when it isn't even his job... They flipped him... he has this delusion the company cares about him. He says things to sound important... I see this all the time... people pretending our contractor cares and making everything sound significant... It's sad... I never want to be like that.To Perverts
Posted 14 years agoI wrote a journal earlier. but I let my emotions get the best of me.
I'll paraphrase everything I said.
Leave me along, I'm not your property
I don't want to have a fling with you
I don't want to RP with you
I don't want to display myself for you
I'm not an object
So just go away
I can see through you and I can clearly see your intentions... I'm not blind.
This is only intended for perverts. Please everyone else disregard this. I'm sorry it's brief and not descriptive but I can't.
I think the sun is going to come out today. :)
Edit: I don't mean people who have sexual desires I mean people who try to act on them with me.
I'll paraphrase everything I said.
Leave me along, I'm not your property
I don't want to have a fling with you
I don't want to RP with you
I don't want to display myself for you
I'm not an object
So just go away
I can see through you and I can clearly see your intentions... I'm not blind.
This is only intended for perverts. Please everyone else disregard this. I'm sorry it's brief and not descriptive but I can't.
I think the sun is going to come out today. :)
Edit: I don't mean people who have sexual desires I mean people who try to act on them with me.
HRT appt FINALLY!!!
Posted 14 years agoSo I have wonderful news! I have an appointment to see the endocrinologist. I will be making the trek to our neighboring province on the 14th and with any luck will get on estrogen right away! I am trying to get all my "ducks in a row" before I go so that there won't have to be any delays as this trip is going to cost me around $200 and this is a trip I have to make every 3 months for a year. I can't even begin to express my delight and joy, truly there are no words for it.
I am slightly nervous as I don't know if the person driving me will be able to drive me to my next appt or not but I am trying to keep that out of my mind. I certainly wish I could drive it seems I have to annoy the people close to me to get me anywhere. So I told the driver that the trip is all expences paid inculding her food, gas, and bridge toll. That seemed to make her happy. Though the fact we will have to be on the road at 5PM Atlantic time is not exactly my idea of a delightful time. Oh well I'll make it fun!
So with this it is drawing clown to the time where I must tell my family... but we won't talk about that either... another journal perhaps.
Anyway things are going well, I am waiting to hear from the endocrinologists secretary today to confirm the appt and I want to see if I must have blood drawn here prior as it would save time.
I am slightly nervous as I don't know if the person driving me will be able to drive me to my next appt or not but I am trying to keep that out of my mind. I certainly wish I could drive it seems I have to annoy the people close to me to get me anywhere. So I told the driver that the trip is all expences paid inculding her food, gas, and bridge toll. That seemed to make her happy. Though the fact we will have to be on the road at 5PM Atlantic time is not exactly my idea of a delightful time. Oh well I'll make it fun!
So with this it is drawing clown to the time where I must tell my family... but we won't talk about that either... another journal perhaps.
Anyway things are going well, I am waiting to hear from the endocrinologists secretary today to confirm the appt and I want to see if I must have blood drawn here prior as it would save time.
A little light journalling.
Posted 14 years agoHello.
Okay so my life lately.... I am playing Mcgee's "Alice" for PC it's quite a fantastic game in my opinion they are soon to release a sequel for the xbox and PS3.
I ordered a wig: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dl.....:X:AAQ:US:1123
I am super in love with it sophiannakatan and sultry helped me pick it out.
I still need to go clothes shopping as I am to the point where I cannot STAND my boy clothes. I want to burn every one of them. I need to get new glasses that are feminine, fortunately it's time for a replaacement anyway... these old ones' I've had for at least 5 years. I'm worried I'll make a bad choice.... I've never shopped for girl glasses before. :< Maybe I should go window shopping... that's not a bad idea! I knew i wrote journal's for a reason!
I've been reading a romance manga at work and it's amazing and makes my eyes "water"
Anyway that's really it I'm not putting all the bad stuff because today is OPTIMISM DAY!
Byes!
Okay so my life lately.... I am playing Mcgee's "Alice" for PC it's quite a fantastic game in my opinion they are soon to release a sequel for the xbox and PS3.
I ordered a wig: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dl.....:X:AAQ:US:1123
I am super in love with it
sophiannakatan and sultry helped me pick it out.I still need to go clothes shopping as I am to the point where I cannot STAND my boy clothes. I want to burn every one of them. I need to get new glasses that are feminine, fortunately it's time for a replaacement anyway... these old ones' I've had for at least 5 years. I'm worried I'll make a bad choice.... I've never shopped for girl glasses before. :< Maybe I should go window shopping... that's not a bad idea! I knew i wrote journal's for a reason!
I've been reading a romance manga at work and it's amazing and makes my eyes "water"
Anyway that's really it I'm not putting all the bad stuff because today is OPTIMISM DAY!
Byes!
Depression from the ones you Love
Posted 14 years agoToday is yet another gloomy day. I've been depressed for the better part of the month. I need an action plan to get out of this. I'm constantly constrained by my family, every time my mother calls she pretends like everything is normal. So much so that it is just sad that she is in such denial... I have a group on my facebook called "anti-transgender" where I put my family so that when I post a status where I call myself a "she" or mention anything related I can filter them all from seeing as this was my mother's request which I honored... All that goes through my head are the memories of growing up and dressing up as a girl with my female friends and them telling me how they loved my hair and how they wished they had such fine hair. Then I remember every time going home to my mother and telling her how truly happy I was and her responding with "You would make one ugly girl" and then going on to point out all my boyish features and put me down... and now here I am...20 years old with a receeding hairline and very thin hair.... trying to be pretty like I was waiting on hormones to help battle 20 years of testosterone poisoning.
I have been depressed all my life and acted out... now when I'm happy my family the one's who are supposed to love me for me... don't. I replay the words of my English teacher's lessons every day: Be yourself, don't let society choose who you are, Fight against prejudiced, Don't judge on appearance.... I took those lessons to heart... I loved English class... Now I'm being told they're wrong.... I was raised to believe one thing and now it's "wrong"
I know I shouldn't be upset but this is devestating. I adore my family so very much and have sacraficed being outly trans. I even accepted living as a male when they refused to acknowledge me as a teenager... however I can't repress it any more. I want estrogen... I want to be "me" and not be depressed and scared to be who I really am... I am losing my patience for my family. I am not going to hid e any longer. I am going to become a beautiful women. I will be everything I have always dreamed of no matter what the cost... I guess the first thing I need to to is talk to my father... I don't know how to do that... I can't do it in person... I may have to do it over the phone... My mother would be so mad but I can't drive and my sister can't handle the sress of outright conflict.. I don't know if it's wrong of me to tell him over the phone but when I think of seeing him in person I worry it will be like when I was a teenger with him getting "physical"
*sigh* Who would have thought being a girl would be so hard... also I've settled on a name.
It's Alice. There is no other name for me. If my family rejeccts me then I will become Alice... it sounds pretty... I'll explain why I picked it some other time... >.>
Edit: i JUST came out to my aunt over Facebook....
I have been depressed all my life and acted out... now when I'm happy my family the one's who are supposed to love me for me... don't. I replay the words of my English teacher's lessons every day: Be yourself, don't let society choose who you are, Fight against prejudiced, Don't judge on appearance.... I took those lessons to heart... I loved English class... Now I'm being told they're wrong.... I was raised to believe one thing and now it's "wrong"
I know I shouldn't be upset but this is devestating. I adore my family so very much and have sacraficed being outly trans. I even accepted living as a male when they refused to acknowledge me as a teenager... however I can't repress it any more. I want estrogen... I want to be "me" and not be depressed and scared to be who I really am... I am losing my patience for my family. I am not going to hid e any longer. I am going to become a beautiful women. I will be everything I have always dreamed of no matter what the cost... I guess the first thing I need to to is talk to my father... I don't know how to do that... I can't do it in person... I may have to do it over the phone... My mother would be so mad but I can't drive and my sister can't handle the sress of outright conflict.. I don't know if it's wrong of me to tell him over the phone but when I think of seeing him in person I worry it will be like when I was a teenger with him getting "physical"
*sigh* Who would have thought being a girl would be so hard... also I've settled on a name.
It's Alice. There is no other name for me. If my family rejeccts me then I will become Alice... it sounds pretty... I'll explain why I picked it some other time... >.>
Edit: i JUST came out to my aunt over Facebook....
Yuma's Phone Adventures
Posted 14 years agoSo I signed on with Telus on a 3 year contract 2 months ago and got a brand new HTC Desire HD (a $550 phone given free with a 3 year contract) Well the day after I got the phone it said "Emergency Calls Only" so I called Telus and they said to do a battery pull which I did, however the volume button and the battery hatch are DIRECTLY beside eachother so I accidentally popped the volume button out and told the agent I did so she said since I pay the $8/monthly for insurance I could get it replaced. So I called them and they said it would cost an additional $150 so I said no as the volume would still turn up and down.
Later about 3 weeks down the road my phone would vibrate and not stop until I hit any button. Soon after this phenominon it stopped vibrating altogether.. I sent it off for repair concerned because the volume button was gone and I KNEW they would just say it's accidental damage even though the volume button was not related.
HERE"S WHERE IT GET"S GOOD! The repair was rejected. So I asked who I call to contest it, they gave me a number which I called. "Huh it's a dead line" I thought to myself. I called back the next day and asked who to call and they gave me the number for their office in Halifax and told me if that didn't work to call Telus Customer Service. So I called the number and got some company in ONTARIO! I bit my lips and called Telus and they told me that I would have to call HTC. So I did at this point shocked at the runaround but working tech support myself I was willing to endure calmly and I put on some tea.
The Agent at HTC said he would transfer me to their repair department and he also gave me the number for them incase the transfer failed. He transfered me BACK to the Telus line. By this point I was frustrated and getting angry so I called the number he gave me and it was for a FRENCH MASSAGE PARLOR IN MONTREAL!!!! I really thought I was toast so I called Telus and asked for a supervisor knowing how the system worked played in my favor here and I am getting a new phone in the mail. Telus did some weird acount changes taking my call display and making it for 1 year free instead of 3 so that it would cover the new phone I am getting.
So yeah... WHAT?!?!?!
Later about 3 weeks down the road my phone would vibrate and not stop until I hit any button. Soon after this phenominon it stopped vibrating altogether.. I sent it off for repair concerned because the volume button was gone and I KNEW they would just say it's accidental damage even though the volume button was not related.
HERE"S WHERE IT GET"S GOOD! The repair was rejected. So I asked who I call to contest it, they gave me a number which I called. "Huh it's a dead line" I thought to myself. I called back the next day and asked who to call and they gave me the number for their office in Halifax and told me if that didn't work to call Telus Customer Service. So I called the number and got some company in ONTARIO! I bit my lips and called Telus and they told me that I would have to call HTC. So I did at this point shocked at the runaround but working tech support myself I was willing to endure calmly and I put on some tea.
The Agent at HTC said he would transfer me to their repair department and he also gave me the number for them incase the transfer failed. He transfered me BACK to the Telus line. By this point I was frustrated and getting angry so I called the number he gave me and it was for a FRENCH MASSAGE PARLOR IN MONTREAL!!!! I really thought I was toast so I called Telus and asked for a supervisor knowing how the system worked played in my favor here and I am getting a new phone in the mail. Telus did some weird acount changes taking my call display and making it for 1 year free instead of 3 so that it would cover the new phone I am getting.
So yeah... WHAT?!?!?!
Ranting about my day.. [and clothing help]
Posted 14 years agoIf you're a girl you can skip the whining if you want and read the last paragraph it's actually important.
Whine whine whine. Today is one of those days. I'm in a grumpy mood and I've been trying to shake it all day but the customers calling in ARE NOT helping. UGH!!!! I am normally patient but today it's just so tiring. We had a big fancy corporate breakfast hosted by the company we are contracted for. Now maybe it's just my sinister look on society and the corporate world but it all seemed like BS. The supervisors and I chatted and so did our other coworkers where the corporate workers had their own chats. They would occasionally shake our hands but it all seemed very insincere to me... A women who works in head office came up to me and shook my hand saying "I'm Blah blah from head office in such and such province name" and I said "My name's Yuma I'm just tech support" Now I know I foxed that one up but I am shy and TERRIBLE with introductions plus I am JUST tech support she got into a speel about the importance of us that I could tell she had pre prepared (I heard her say the exact same things to other techs) My thoughts: Pay me more than minimum wage and THEN tell me I am important to your company.
Anyway cynicism aside (maybe) I'm mad about my therapist I mean WHAT A JERK! "Sorry I don't specialize in transgender issues and I don't think there is anyone on the island who does, perhaps you should see the councellor you expressed disliking MORE" I want to ask for another therapist but now I just feel they will say the same thing... Talk about feeling alone, thanks therapy you did the exact opposite of what you were intended for. I am really trying hard to find a transgender friendly support group for the LGBT community which I have been reluctant to do until now.
My customers are all frustrating, rude and unpleasant despite my best efforts to be happy and cheery for them. I'm really tired. There is no coffee to wake me up. Whine whine whine. Oh and on top of that I'm jealous! YEAH I am jealous. I'm a pet and a jealous one how lovely is that? I'd get into details but on the off chance this is read I'll be killed plus there isn't really THAT specific a reason...
*screams into a pillow and then tears it apart with her teeth*
I'll pull my typical bipolar move and write another journal when I'm happy... likely in a few hours because my moods fluctuate.
NO WAIT I"M NOT Done!
I CAN'T FIND GIRL CLOTHES ONLINE TO FIT ME!!! I'm a 32 inch waist which equates to 82cm... HOW CAN I NOT FIND SIZES??? Help me please I'm getting self concious.
Whine whine whine. Today is one of those days. I'm in a grumpy mood and I've been trying to shake it all day but the customers calling in ARE NOT helping. UGH!!!! I am normally patient but today it's just so tiring. We had a big fancy corporate breakfast hosted by the company we are contracted for. Now maybe it's just my sinister look on society and the corporate world but it all seemed like BS. The supervisors and I chatted and so did our other coworkers where the corporate workers had their own chats. They would occasionally shake our hands but it all seemed very insincere to me... A women who works in head office came up to me and shook my hand saying "I'm Blah blah from head office in such and such province name" and I said "My name's Yuma I'm just tech support" Now I know I foxed that one up but I am shy and TERRIBLE with introductions plus I am JUST tech support she got into a speel about the importance of us that I could tell she had pre prepared (I heard her say the exact same things to other techs) My thoughts: Pay me more than minimum wage and THEN tell me I am important to your company.
Anyway cynicism aside (maybe) I'm mad about my therapist I mean WHAT A JERK! "Sorry I don't specialize in transgender issues and I don't think there is anyone on the island who does, perhaps you should see the councellor you expressed disliking MORE" I want to ask for another therapist but now I just feel they will say the same thing... Talk about feeling alone, thanks therapy you did the exact opposite of what you were intended for. I am really trying hard to find a transgender friendly support group for the LGBT community which I have been reluctant to do until now.
My customers are all frustrating, rude and unpleasant despite my best efforts to be happy and cheery for them. I'm really tired. There is no coffee to wake me up. Whine whine whine. Oh and on top of that I'm jealous! YEAH I am jealous. I'm a pet and a jealous one how lovely is that? I'd get into details but on the off chance this is read I'll be killed plus there isn't really THAT specific a reason...
*screams into a pillow and then tears it apart with her teeth*
I'll pull my typical bipolar move and write another journal when I'm happy... likely in a few hours because my moods fluctuate.
NO WAIT I"M NOT Done!
I CAN'T FIND GIRL CLOTHES ONLINE TO FIT ME!!! I'm a 32 inch waist which equates to 82cm... HOW CAN I NOT FIND SIZES??? Help me please I'm getting self concious.
LOADS OF NEWS!!!
Posted 14 years agoI am making a blog on blogspot solely for my observations on this world and how crazy it is. To show people how I look at the world. It isn't fully up yet but I'm working on it... I may or may not give out the link as It will be my brutally honest opinions and I don't know how "brutal" the brutal part will be.
Oh funny story: My mother took me out this morning to deposit my HUGE incometax cheque (just what I needed thank gods) and she says "what do you carry in that purse?!" I listed off all the various items in my purse ranging from my Kindle to my glasses, to my lockpicking set. She said "Oh well I have a black backpack you could use, oh and that coat is too winterlike you need a summer coat." Like I didn't know what she was doing trying to get rid of my women's french overcoat and my purse... nice try mother. -_-; She then tried to get me to visit saying "I know you don't feel comfortable visiting with all that's going on but you should" It's like she is in TOTAL denial of the whole transition.. it's actually kind of sad and pathetic...
So we pull in to Tim Horton's Coffee a place I was offered a job under the circumstance I removed 2 of the three earings in my lower right earlobe because to work there you can only have 1 earing per ear. Now if you look at pictures of me you will see I wear respectable hoop earrings that are not all that noticeable. So I refused the job because I am NOT doing that. However the man working the drive through window and he was COVERED in tattoos... how cute that I can't have my earrings but he can be PLASTERED in tattoos because they are SO MUCH less noticeable than 3 small earrings... HOW ABSURD. So I am going to email the company. I'm not amused.
On another note. I am really still taken with the name Alice for reasons I will write later if enough people inquire I love the name and I find I am relating with Alice in Wonderland a great deal with my situation so much that it sickens me to think about.
FINAL NEWS! I am going to be buying a skirt this week likely a schoolgirl skirt and waggable and I will be doing a photoshoot. I'm both excited and nervous being oddly shy but it will be fun. I will post one of the pics in scraps when I get it done.
That's for listening to my ramblings and I'll leave you with an AMAZING song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW0q.....p;feature=fvsr
Oh funny story: My mother took me out this morning to deposit my HUGE incometax cheque (just what I needed thank gods) and she says "what do you carry in that purse?!" I listed off all the various items in my purse ranging from my Kindle to my glasses, to my lockpicking set. She said "Oh well I have a black backpack you could use, oh and that coat is too winterlike you need a summer coat." Like I didn't know what she was doing trying to get rid of my women's french overcoat and my purse... nice try mother. -_-; She then tried to get me to visit saying "I know you don't feel comfortable visiting with all that's going on but you should" It's like she is in TOTAL denial of the whole transition.. it's actually kind of sad and pathetic...
So we pull in to Tim Horton's Coffee a place I was offered a job under the circumstance I removed 2 of the three earings in my lower right earlobe because to work there you can only have 1 earing per ear. Now if you look at pictures of me you will see I wear respectable hoop earrings that are not all that noticeable. So I refused the job because I am NOT doing that. However the man working the drive through window and he was COVERED in tattoos... how cute that I can't have my earrings but he can be PLASTERED in tattoos because they are SO MUCH less noticeable than 3 small earrings... HOW ABSURD. So I am going to email the company. I'm not amused.
On another note. I am really still taken with the name Alice for reasons I will write later if enough people inquire I love the name and I find I am relating with Alice in Wonderland a great deal with my situation so much that it sickens me to think about.
FINAL NEWS! I am going to be buying a skirt this week likely a schoolgirl skirt and
waggable and I will be doing a photoshoot. I'm both excited and nervous being oddly shy but it will be fun. I will post one of the pics in scraps when I get it done. That's for listening to my ramblings and I'll leave you with an AMAZING song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW0q.....p;feature=fvsr
Artist Wants Feedback.
Posted 14 years agoHello. I know of an artist who is getting very good and very fast. In the past few weeks I have been watching her I have sen her style change and her drawings improve tenfold. However every artist needs motivation and feedback, even of the critical kind. 
twilight_blu does good artwork and her figure is very proportional and correct which for me is probably the biggest mark of a sketch artist. As long as an artist can draw figure everything else will come naturally simply by drawing more.
So go on and give her some feedback on her art and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Artist: twilight_blu
twilight_blu does good artwork and her figure is very proportional and correct which for me is probably the biggest mark of a sketch artist. As long as an artist can draw figure everything else will come naturally simply by drawing more.So go on and give her some feedback on her art and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Artist:
twilight_bluKind of random...
Posted 14 years agoSo... I'm really just writing this journal cuz I want to ^_^ I don't have anything significant to say here I just love writing journals *blushes* Hmmm..... Oh!
I mailed sultry her hair dressing supplies today and showed up for work 4.5 hours late. But they love me so it's okay! ^_^
I am still working on being pretty so waggable and I can do a photoshoot with me in stockings and boots I"M SO EXCITED!!!
I am currently OBSESSED with Alice in Wonderland spin offs I ADORE them I am currently reading "Are you Alice?: Which you should ALL READ: http://www.goodmanga.net/214/are_you_alice
I am currently taking a liking to the name Alice and considering it strongly IF I do end up changing my name.
OH! on a more serious and funny note (funny for me) My mother obviously opposes my transition, however I kind of wonder if I would be transitioning if my mother would have just let me be androgynous and feminine growing up. Maybe I could have grown up and accepted myself and stayed in a boy body... her fear lead me to more strongly pursue my desires and made everything more extreme. I'd explain but it is only just a silly thought that makes me smile. (I'm just jabbing her in my mind to feel better)
Also I want tea! I am going to have some when I get home... maybe
Enough rambling journals off to work. or "back" to work
I mailed
sultry her hair dressing supplies today and showed up for work 4.5 hours late. But they love me so it's okay! ^_^I am still working on being pretty so
waggable and I can do a photoshoot with me in stockings and boots I"M SO EXCITED!!!I am currently OBSESSED with Alice in Wonderland spin offs I ADORE them I am currently reading "Are you Alice?: Which you should ALL READ: http://www.goodmanga.net/214/are_you_alice
I am currently taking a liking to the name Alice and considering it strongly IF I do end up changing my name.
OH! on a more serious and funny note (funny for me) My mother obviously opposes my transition, however I kind of wonder if I would be transitioning if my mother would have just let me be androgynous and feminine growing up. Maybe I could have grown up and accepted myself and stayed in a boy body... her fear lead me to more strongly pursue my desires and made everything more extreme. I'd explain but it is only just a silly thought that makes me smile. (I'm just jabbing her in my mind to feel better)
Also I want tea! I am going to have some when I get home... maybe
Enough rambling journals off to work. or "back" to work
Bullying... REALLY???
Posted 14 years agoI'm in a poor mood today. It has been a long time since I was blatantly bullied but last evening I was, I was even referred to as having no gender. I'm not overly upset at the insults I've grown up bullied and I am still very used to it. However I do not like the feel of adrenaline and anger. I forgot what that felt like and it is my least favorite feeling in the world and I never want to feel it again. I can't think of anything worse than your heart racing and the primal urge to fight... it makes me want to vomit. So now it's a debate. I know this person is only doing it to get me away from this group of people and the group of people won't step in. I am certainly not going to escalate this nor freak out about it all I did was calmly tell him to not be a jerk during group events. However it will persist. So for the time being I am burying my head in as much Manga as I possibly can and finding my happy place.
I have alot to work on and alot happening in my life and I can't get bogged down by this for too long. I am hoping Manga will cheer me up and get my head back in the right place. I need to not dwell and to keep moving forward. I still dread that feeling though. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place with this.
Ugh *headache* back to reading. *sticks her face in a manga*
I have alot to work on and alot happening in my life and I can't get bogged down by this for too long. I am hoping Manga will cheer me up and get my head back in the right place. I need to not dwell and to keep moving forward. I still dread that feeling though. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place with this.
Ugh *headache* back to reading. *sticks her face in a manga*
DECLARATION! ^_^
Posted 14 years agoI'm no longer satisfied. I want more.
That's been my thought all day as I rolled around in my head. I want to look more feminine. I want to get mistaken for a girl in public. I won't be satisfied until I do. I want to be able to go into public as a women. I'm sick of feeling that I am not pretty enough. I am considering getting a wig until I can get hair transplants done. Learn to do makeup. I am going to look female.
Growing up anytime I dressed as a girl my mother always said how I made an ugly girl. Well I am not going to live by her insults any more. She has a daughter and she's treated her like crap and never accepted her. I'm going to be pretty wether she likes it or not.
I've been working on my voice alot and it's really easy for me so far because my family all has singing voices (only my sister uses hers) While practicing my voice I realized I have a pretty singing voice (in my opinion) I was amazed at it (I could be delusional) and I may take up singing again as I used to sing in front of crowds all the time, every week at church also.
I'm going to be pretty if it kills me and I am not going to stop until I am. Vanity be damned this is what I want and there is nothing in this life that will stop me.
Anyway big speeches aside if anyone has any tips let me know! Going out in public dressed as a girl if I can look to my standards will be SCARY and I want as much advice as possible.
That's been my thought all day as I rolled around in my head. I want to look more feminine. I want to get mistaken for a girl in public. I won't be satisfied until I do. I want to be able to go into public as a women. I'm sick of feeling that I am not pretty enough. I am considering getting a wig until I can get hair transplants done. Learn to do makeup. I am going to look female.
Growing up anytime I dressed as a girl my mother always said how I made an ugly girl. Well I am not going to live by her insults any more. She has a daughter and she's treated her like crap and never accepted her. I'm going to be pretty wether she likes it or not.
I've been working on my voice alot and it's really easy for me so far because my family all has singing voices (only my sister uses hers) While practicing my voice I realized I have a pretty singing voice (in my opinion) I was amazed at it (I could be delusional) and I may take up singing again as I used to sing in front of crowds all the time, every week at church also.
I'm going to be pretty if it kills me and I am not going to stop until I am. Vanity be damned this is what I want and there is nothing in this life that will stop me.
Anyway big speeches aside if anyone has any tips let me know! Going out in public dressed as a girl if I can look to my standards will be SCARY and I want as much advice as possible.
MINE BOOTS!!!
Posted 14 years agoThese new boots are wonderful. I love lacing then up. I "walked" into work and even on the carpeted floor the boots caused the floor to quiver beneath them. I can't wait to polish them ^_^ I also can't wait to further transition to the point where I can wear a skirt with stockings and these incredible boots... *drools* I mean I don't have a foot/boot/stocking fetish or anything no-siree not me ^___* They are so stompy, now I can stomp on all the perverts that try to get murry purry with me or worse >.>
I'm in an odd mood don't question me! Marching, stompy boots make foxes go into evil fox mode! I'll have to get some art done of that MUAHAHAHAHA ^_^
Anyway I'm going to go now before peuk at the smell of cleaner spray...ugh gross why don't people use water *coughs* I am working and they're killing me *staggers off*
I'm in an odd mood don't question me! Marching, stompy boots make foxes go into evil fox mode! I'll have to get some art done of that MUAHAHAHAHA ^_^
Anyway I'm going to go now before peuk at the smell of cleaner spray...ugh gross why don't people use water *coughs* I am working and they're killing me *staggers off*
Untherapudic Therapy.
Posted 14 years agoI went to see my therapist yesterday, the local one. I spoke to him about feeling alone and scared due to family issues... his input was that I should see another therapist because he does not specialize in transgender issues... I don't go to him for transgender issues I go to him for problems that I face, some of it may be a result of being transgender but we have as he himself said, no transgender therapists on PEI... I pleaded to keep seeing him and he scheduled me for a month down the road... I will be calling and cancelling
When I told him how I have felt somewhat ill from all of this stress he wanted to put me back on antidepressants... something there is no need for. I don't know what kind of salvation I thought I might find in therapy but apparentally it is not there.With what I'm going through I'd be shocked if I wasn't depressed... I am so insulted that he wanted to medicate me...
I spoke with my mother afterwords and it was the usual "I'll never accept you as a mother, I won't abandon you but I can't speak for your father or sister" I pleaded for her to understand that it was not my choice to be this way and asked ow she can ignore all the indisputable facts and evidence placed before her. She simply said she wouldn't believe it... denial for denial's sake... I give up trying to reason with her. If my family can't accept it then fine. Lots of people live without family... I don't know how they do it but they do...
I wish I wasn't like this y'know? I wish I could just live as a boy and be happy and I keep trying to do it but somewhere down the road I am not satisfied and I succumb to terrible depression the whole time I try... I debate trying again because transitioning is so impossibly hard and I could finish and look hideous and get beat up or killed. Maybe I'll never be accepted as a women and terrible things will happen... *sigh* I was told there is in fac a therapist on the island who deals with the GBLT community and does councel transgender people... I am going to seek her out... I'm sick of being alone and doing this. Crying over a keyboard to all f you though you're all great listeners.
I'll see what my inquiries bring me... Of course you'll all be updated like it or not.
When I told him how I have felt somewhat ill from all of this stress he wanted to put me back on antidepressants... something there is no need for. I don't know what kind of salvation I thought I might find in therapy but apparentally it is not there.With what I'm going through I'd be shocked if I wasn't depressed... I am so insulted that he wanted to medicate me...
I spoke with my mother afterwords and it was the usual "I'll never accept you as a mother, I won't abandon you but I can't speak for your father or sister" I pleaded for her to understand that it was not my choice to be this way and asked ow she can ignore all the indisputable facts and evidence placed before her. She simply said she wouldn't believe it... denial for denial's sake... I give up trying to reason with her. If my family can't accept it then fine. Lots of people live without family... I don't know how they do it but they do...
I wish I wasn't like this y'know? I wish I could just live as a boy and be happy and I keep trying to do it but somewhere down the road I am not satisfied and I succumb to terrible depression the whole time I try... I debate trying again because transitioning is so impossibly hard and I could finish and look hideous and get beat up or killed. Maybe I'll never be accepted as a women and terrible things will happen... *sigh* I was told there is in fac a therapist on the island who deals with the GBLT community and does councel transgender people... I am going to seek her out... I'm sick of being alone and doing this. Crying over a keyboard to all f you though you're all great listeners.
I'll see what my inquiries bring me... Of course you'll all be updated like it or not.
*click* download, save, play, convert, store, file, more.
Posted 14 years agoLace, leather, crimson, and hard drives. I'm just spending the day running around and collecting all the data I can get me hands on. I have found some incredible programs that do some incredible things. It's so incredible it's almost erotic, remove the almost. I would get into details about all the fun stuff I'm doing but I don't know if it's ethical ^_^
On top of all this delight I am offering to back up artists galleries on an external hard drive if they desire. Assuming they'l draw me something delightful. Yes I am also an art whore. I'm just letting it all out today. I need to get some pleasures somewhere and it seems this is definitely divine. I don't know what it is about collecting data and filing it that I find so exciteing but there is something about it that I just cannot explain. Having everything I could ever want tucked away on a tiny little device that I can access even if the internet explodes into a million digits.
Anyway I am rambling on and on today is turmoil and this is my release. It sure beats complaining ^_^ I should contemplate writing poetry later it will make me seem less insane perhaps Anyway it's been a pleasure rambling to you all I'll leave you with this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yppk.....t0yo4&NR=1
J-pop you will love it!
On top of all this delight I am offering to back up artists galleries on an external hard drive if they desire. Assuming they'l draw me something delightful. Yes I am also an art whore. I'm just letting it all out today. I need to get some pleasures somewhere and it seems this is definitely divine. I don't know what it is about collecting data and filing it that I find so exciteing but there is something about it that I just cannot explain. Having everything I could ever want tucked away on a tiny little device that I can access even if the internet explodes into a million digits.
Anyway I am rambling on and on today is turmoil and this is my release. It sure beats complaining ^_^ I should contemplate writing poetry later it will make me seem less insane perhaps Anyway it's been a pleasure rambling to you all I'll leave you with this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yppk.....t0yo4&NR=1
J-pop you will love it!
Stockings and Boots [inane blabber]
Posted 14 years agoStockings and boots stockings and boots stockings and boots... My head hurts I think I'm getting another headache. Every time I see a girl in stockings and boots I get this dreadful shot of pure jealousy. It's been that way since I was a kid now that I recall. I have always loved stockings, no idea why but meh.
I wrote a journal earlier about what I wanted to do on my two days off... I guess if it stops raining I want to take pictures... but what do I want to photograph... stockings and boots that's what... I'm waaay too creepy for my liking. Yeah that will be great I'll become some pretty girl who takes pictures of other girl's stockings and boots FANTASTIC IDEA CREEPY WEIRDO! >.> I just hurt my own feelings.
What's that- I seem upset or edgy, YES I AM!!! NONSTOP EMOTIONS THESE LAST TWO DAYS ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP AND CRY AND EAT ICECREAM!!! WTF IS GOING ON!!! I HAVE ASKED AROUND AND PMS IS IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL HORMONES THEN WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS THIS ONCE A MONTH?! WHY IS IT UNCONTROLLABLE?!?! WHY IS IT ACCOMPANIED BY THE DESIRE FOR SWEET THINGS?!?!?! I'm not even angry, I'm being so sincere right now. (shut up I did that on purpose)
I want to do stuff but I just can't be bothered, I'm so worn out from being overemotional. I'm worried about family, my sister who is direly ill with Chrones disease a sickness where her immune system is compramised and she has to face INUMERABLE challenges at the age of 14 like being on steroids, having a hole in her stomache and the risk of death. Stress makes her ill... so what does she do when she finds out one of her friends is doing drugs... being she's the balsiest person I know she tells the girl's sister and basically causes an intervention
AND Narc's on the drug dealer dealing to her school... I am proud of her for having so much bravery but ugh the stress associated. She won't be friends with anyone who does drugs... I guess it shouldn't relate but it further terrifies me that I am about to transition... I wonder if she will be able to handle it or if she'll cut me out entirely... she loves me as her brother and looks to me to be such... ugh to hell with this journal I quit I'll try again tomorrow
I wrote a journal earlier about what I wanted to do on my two days off... I guess if it stops raining I want to take pictures... but what do I want to photograph... stockings and boots that's what... I'm waaay too creepy for my liking. Yeah that will be great I'll become some pretty girl who takes pictures of other girl's stockings and boots FANTASTIC IDEA CREEPY WEIRDO! >.> I just hurt my own feelings.
What's that- I seem upset or edgy, YES I AM!!! NONSTOP EMOTIONS THESE LAST TWO DAYS ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP AND CRY AND EAT ICECREAM!!! WTF IS GOING ON!!! I HAVE ASKED AROUND AND PMS IS IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL HORMONES THEN WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS THIS ONCE A MONTH?! WHY IS IT UNCONTROLLABLE?!?! WHY IS IT ACCOMPANIED BY THE DESIRE FOR SWEET THINGS?!?!?! I'm not even angry, I'm being so sincere right now. (shut up I did that on purpose)
I want to do stuff but I just can't be bothered, I'm so worn out from being overemotional. I'm worried about family, my sister who is direly ill with Chrones disease a sickness where her immune system is compramised and she has to face INUMERABLE challenges at the age of 14 like being on steroids, having a hole in her stomache and the risk of death. Stress makes her ill... so what does she do when she finds out one of her friends is doing drugs... being she's the balsiest person I know she tells the girl's sister and basically causes an intervention
AND Narc's on the drug dealer dealing to her school... I am proud of her for having so much bravery but ugh the stress associated. She won't be friends with anyone who does drugs... I guess it shouldn't relate but it further terrifies me that I am about to transition... I wonder if she will be able to handle it or if she'll cut me out entirely... she loves me as her brother and looks to me to be such... ugh to hell with this journal I quit I'll try again tomorrow
Biting the Bullet
Posted 14 years agoSo I guess... well I don't even know how to start this really. I am really worn out from today. So much has happened and smacked me in the face. I owe people apologies because I was an oversensative, overemotional moron. Most of you reading this probably have no idea what is happening or what I'm talking about because I never posted abou it... this is really just me chickening out on a personal apology I owe someone a certain dog. I cannot believe I let my emotions get the best of me... That almost NEVER happens... Now here I am tearing up writing a journal about how much of an emotional idiot I was... How is it possible that I thought with undoubted 100% certainty that I was in the right only to be so dreadfully wrong...
I'd get into detail about what's going on but honestly at this point it has gone from me being victim, to villan in seconds... well in my realization...
Thanks to
lacerta for being the most level headed and blunt dragon I know and being logical.
I can't even blame hormones...
Guess I have to go own up and make things better... I hate doing this.
I'd get into detail about what's going on but honestly at this point it has gone from me being victim, to villan in seconds... well in my realization...
Thanks to
lacerta for being the most level headed and blunt dragon I know and being logical.I can't even blame hormones...
Guess I have to go own up and make things better... I hate doing this.
>.> <.< >=O
Posted 14 years agoI'm too tired and angry to write a proper journal so you get this
