So here's what I'm doing IT"S EXCITING!!!!!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I need money and that I am underpaid I get paid 10.00 CAD to provide tech support for internet, wireless internet provided via antennas outside, wifi enabled modems, Security programs, phone, cable and soon cellphones. We have over 15 tools we are trained to use and work shift work...

I have learned that in life to succeed you need to play the game by societies rules sometimes. To get a better job which equals better pay I need a skill. I have always wanted to be a computer wizard but I could never figure out computer books as it was all reading and not things I could test out all the time. However I found my niche.

I figured.. hackers are highly employable, hacking is fun and interesting and companies hire hackers to beef up their network security and along with hacking you end up learning about how networks and computers work. There is a saying that I have become acustomed to "Don't learn to hack, hack to learn"

Now don't get me wrong I am not saying I am going to go out and break the law or anything like that I'm no threat to anyone ^_^ however my need for money is steadily increasing and I need my sultry back. If I have a valuable skill I am more likely to be able to get her back and be "respected" So I am devoting myself to this full force.

I will learn networks and protocal like the back of my hand and in turn become more qualified for jobs and in the end get Sultry back and be able to pave a bright future for the two of us by whatever means necessary.

LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Randy
- Eye Color: Blue (it changes)
- Hair Style/Color: shoulder length/brown
- Height: 6 feet
- Clothing style:COMFY! tight black jeans and a black shirt right show (no laces) left shoe (laces untied) shoes are black 3 piercings in my right ear
- Best physical feature: feet/nose

LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: Holes
- Your guilty pleasure: Can't say.
- Your biggest pet peeve: People who respond to long comments with "thanks" I AM TRYING TO TALK TO YOU AND YOU MAKE IT HARD!!! in fact one word answers to anything generally frustrate me
- Your ambitions for the future: To become physically a women, get my beloved  sultry back and become a wizard hacker

LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: My dreams
- What you think about most: Sultry and transitioning
- What you think about before bed: how lovely the sky is and how strange the world is
- You think your best quality is: I care for others and am open to new ideas and situations.

LAYER FOUR: WHAT'S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: single
- To be loved or respected: loved.
- Beauty or brains: A balance of both
- Dogs or cats: Cats

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: When necessary and not to friends
- Believe in yourself: Fully
- Believe in love: It's one of the few things I do believe in.
- Want someone: My fucking Sultry

LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Yes
- Done drugs: Yeah, trying to stop HARD
- Changed who you were to fit in: When it suited me but rarely ever

LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Crimson
- Favorite animal: Frogs, cats, foxes
- Favorite movie: Matilda and Secratary
- Favorite game: Final Fantasy

LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: Not telling
- How old will you be: 21
- Age you lost your virginity: 14
Does age matter: Yes

LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Independance
- Best eye color: I don't care
- Best hair color: Don't care (not gray)
- Best thing to do with a partner: Be with them

LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: Sultry
- I feel: like I shouldn't tell you how I feel, you couldn't handle it
- I hide: From my family
- I miss: Sultry and my innocence
- I wish: I was more talented

What a week it's been I don't even know what to say. From monday to thursday I worked 12 hour shifts where I ate slept and drank work it was rough dealing with ungrateful people all day but it is going to pay off, I may be doing 12 hour shifts for the rest of this month while they are offered as we all know I need the money. This month is hopefully my big payoff month, Income tax is expected to be around 900.00 and I just got my GST cheque for an unexpected 250.00 on top of that I will have all my overtime pay (I also picked up an extra 9.5 hour shift for time and a half pay) AND I am due for a raise with two months retro-active pay. Finally I will see some posative results from all this corporate bullshit!

So all in all this month is EXPECTED to be good financially which is generally most of what matters. My whole family is proud of me for being such a hard working "boy" and slaving away for low pay in a corporate office. I enjoy the praise but it's hallow and empty as I don't intend on staying with this work forever and I am no boy, I am just doing what I have to to get by. I wonder if they'll still be proud of me when I am wearing bras to work...

I feel like some badass character from a movie living on the edge doing what they have to, to get by not bound by a moral code and with only one goal in mind. Of course it's really not that dramatic in actuality, it has potential to be but I am not to the point where I need to break the law for money or anything like that. Honestly if I didn't have Artemis (my cat) I'd probaly be in alot more trouble than I am. In the last months I have learned to love that cat like I never knew was possible and we can totally predict eachother and understand eachother to the point where I can tell him things and he knows exactly what I mean. We were unfathomably close before but I don't know it's hard to say it sounds silly but I guess the only way to compare it is by sayin "I'd risk my life for him" I sometimes think he knows exactly what's going on in my head.

Anyway I'm off track I'm gonna leave you with this song, I'm going to post songs at the end of my journal to better describe how I am feeling to a degree or maybe just to post what I am listening to right now

Anyway here you go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L9fOGg9wO8&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Hey go here and join the raffle! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2245806/

...or don't... more chances for me XD JUST KIDDING! No really go her art's really good.

I've been working very hard lately, I don't know why but I have been nonetheless. I guess it's because I need money badly. Things in America are changing for Sultry and she is going to get a job and is working on her independance as she will need it if we are to be together again. With that financial stress off of me I am alot more relaxed though another financial stress has been added in the meantime. Debt collectors caught up to her and now she needs to make payments so I am going to find a crafty way to help until she works.

With all of this I have done alot of self examining aswel and I have come to the conclusion that I need a manservant. Not literally though if someone wants to volunteer that would be lovely. I just need to go out and get wined and dined. Or rather I WANT to get wined and dined XD Just for a day I want to be someone's princess *sighes* However I know that won't happen in real life so I'll stick to being the tough chick who's independant. I may find a way to spoil myself.. I don't know how... maybe I'll make curry that always makes me giddy.

Oh and my therapist seems to be fast moving as we are waiting on the Enddocrinologists response to our query. I am sure it will be a yes because my family doctor said he knew nothing about it but would vouce for me as long as I had a note. Plus if they say no I will go on a rampage leaving many mangled in my wake... been watching too much anime ^_^

I also decided to learn German so in the coming weeks expect me to practice on all of you. Oh and I have been increasingly bored at work as I am working overtime shifts all the time so if I seem a tad more frisky and devious it's nothing personal I'm just trying to have fun any small way I can.

Okay so you won't believe this, yesterday I was opening the battery hatch on my phone and my nail got under the volume button which is RIGHT next to it and I snapped my volume button and the warranty would charge me 150 dollars to replace it on top of the 7 dollars I pay a month for the warranty. So I as frustrated so I snapped the broken volume button back in the phone (it still works it just bows out) I looked on ebay and found a chinese dealer that makes and distributes parts for m phone so I decided I am just going to do all the maintenance on my phone myself. I'm kind of excited.

I am currently waiting for my councellor to contact the endocrinologist to get my referral through so I can start HRT (nervous about the wait) I'll give her a week before I contact her again.

Things are overall going wel I am expecting a promising incometax return thanks to disability.

Oh and I am going to start posative habbit forming next week ie. Working out, learning Japanese, and brushing my teeth more (yes brushing my teeth more DX) It's going to be rough but I'm going to try I still debate between japanese and german but I will decide later.

I should have written this earlier while I was in a better mood *sigh*

Oh well GOOD MOOD ACTIVATE!!!

So I called the endocrinologist today (OMG I SPELLED IT RIGHT THE FIRST TRY!!!!!) I was terrified to call her and almost couldn't, I froze and just kept listening to the same Vocaloid song. I mean calling some random person and saying "Oh hey I'm a transexual and am looking for your help" is definitely not an easy thing to do. XD but I called... got her voicemail and left a message but at least I called and hopefully she'll call me back.

I don't really have a ton of money to be able to do this but I figure I have 3 months to commandeer the funds and I am hoping for a promising income-tax return. So, I am taking my next big step into this world and have been analyzing more than ever. It's almost an internal fight really. My mind just keeps telling me to give up and not do anything crazy like i was raised to do, every bit of me is pulling away from this decision out of fear... well I shouldn't say every part as I am pursuing it. I guess I just always thought I'd iive a normal life and never do anything great for myself. I always gave up when I came close to reaching my goals, a dreamer in every way. but now I am siezing those dreams... so exciting! ^_^

Anyway I won't prattle on I just wanted to post an update. I hope to get another VLOG up soon.

Ok, ummm..... yeah that's all I think....

So I have been thinking for a while about promoting artists. There are alot of good artists on FA who are either under-appreciated and need exposure or artists who need money through commissions but don't have enough buyers. I really like artists as I myself cannot draw but still consider myself an artist I would like to be able to help these people out. This is also a way for me to get free art without being a mooch. I am fortunate enough that there are a fair amount of people who have done free art for me and I appreciate EVERY single one. I also noticed that after they did this that the artist got alot more exposure and people started being more active on their page like the "Dat Ass" picture done by  kittentits which then brought her to get 10 commissions on it in one day.

So I didn't know how all of you would feel about this as you are my watchers. I personally think it is a good idea it would let me upload more pictures and it would let me get more involved in the art community and help artists out.

These ideas could be anything from a typical piece of request art to a picture of Yuma with a sign/t-shirt with the artists name on it (or something more unique)

So what are your opinions? Do you think it's a good idea? Let me know, be honest! ^_^

Karma doesn't exist, I have come to this conclusion. In the last 2 years I have not screwed over anyone, I have not committed any crimes, stolen, lied about anything important, or used anyone for my own personal gain at their expense. I hav been used, abused, robbed, lied to, treated poorly, and had a technological breakdown.

Why am I saying this? Why am I posting ANOTHER whiney journal??? Well you see, my network card is fried, that's right I no longer have any internet. I am having to use my phones internet for messaging people I am only writing this because I am at work. I spent a bunch of money to switch my modems got ditched by my taxi on the other end of town, and after all that (my entire morning) I am without internet....

This last week has been miserable beyond reason and I look at all those who have wronged me and y'know what? They are all happy! I am miserable and they are chipper as can be. I always thought "oh well they will be miserable and someday I'll be happy" however that isn't the case that's just a silly delusion my mind created to help me cope with the reality of the situation which is that some people get screwed over by others who prey on them and they will never have retribution and there will never be reconcilliation. You get robbed, you get robbed... there's nothing more to it the robber won't get some divine punishment the next day in fact maybe he will invest that money and become rich and famous. Who knows.

I am completely broke and if Asus won't fix the laptop I can't have it fixed for a while. I just found someone to drive me to the doctor for transitioning and I can no longer afford even that. All I can do is rely on everyone else, my computer breaks I cry to  waggable I need a ride somewhere I call everyone. I dream of being independant but it's my own incompetance that puts me in these situations.

So what then, do I need to deviate from my morals here and there to succeed, do I need to lie to get what I NEED... Am I to prey on more innocents for my own persrvierance?!?!?! I know this is just how life works and everything is a matter of choice and I need to accept that and just keep pushing through the sewers hoping there's an end to it all. I just need to seriously evaluate my life.... I must be doing something wrong, or maybe it's just bad luck.... maybe I'm just one of those sob stories. I don't know but without the net I have nothing but time to contemplate my situation... Maybe I'll just lose my mind.

I just clicked and the banner changed... it doesn't say furaffinity on it... how will I know where I am.

Today is miserable, so miserable I'm not writing a serious journal. I hate april fools it's the one day of the year where my sense of humor doesn't exist. PMS leave me be! I want my hormones... anyone want to drive me to Halifax? I'll pay you, damn visual impairment resulting in transportational dependancy!

I'm going now, bad mood, love you all but still, bad mood.

Hope you all have an acceptable april fools I got pranked once... not pleased

Gooday madam and sirs... tomorrow.

Real Name: Randy
Lives: Canada
Birthday: August 2nd
Pets: Cat, Artemis
Race: British, Scottish with German sprinkles
Natural hair color: Brown
Eye colour: It changes but primarily light blue
Skin color: Pale white
Glasses/contacts: Glasses
Tattoos: None, I like skin as a canvas for life to write on I don't want to alter it myself.
Braces: No
Other distinctive markings: Scar on my forehead, birthmark on my leg (you'll NEVER see it)
Siblings: Younger sister
Horoscope: Cancer
Chinese Horoscope: Horse >: (
Talents: Photography and my mind
Likes/Loves: Anime, music, art, reading,
Dislikes: Rudeness
Obsessions: Data storage and organization
What I always draw: Nothing :(
What kind of artwork do I like: Anime and furry art but other forms are fine too

What kind of an artist are you?: Photographer/Terrible Poet
Fav anime/cartoon: Cowboy Bebop/Ghost in the Shell
Fav TV show: Law and Order: Californication
Fav Comic: The Walking Dead
Fav Movie: Matilda/Secretary
Hated Movie: AI!!!!!!

Fav band: Too many to name
Hated Band: Country
Fav singer: Hatsune Miku XD
Hated Singer: Avril Lavign
Fav Kind of music: Electronix
Hated kind of music: Country
Fav Animal: Too many
Hated Animal: Japanese Giant Hornets!!!
Fav country: Japan
Fav book: House of Leaves
Fav Food: Curry
Fav colour:Crimson
Fav game/sport: Pokemon

DO YOU
Play an instrument?: Harmonica
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: NO
Like to sing?: Secretly
Have a job?: Yep
Have a cell phone?: Yes
Like to play sports:? No
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: DUH!!!!
Have a crush on someone?: Not really no

HAVE YOU EVER
Snuck out of the house?: Yes
Lied to get out of trouble?: Sure thing
Had a computer crash?: WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS UP AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!!???
Gotten lost in your city?: Nope
Seen a shooting star?: I don't believe so no
Been to any other countries: ...America....
Ever had a serious surgery?: Not yet! =^_^=
Been arrested?: No
Done drugs?: Yes
Had alcohol?: Yeppers
Swore at your parents?: Once or twice when they made me REALLY mad
Ran over an animal and killed it?: NO!!!
Broken a bone?: Nooope Came close but no just a crack
Gotten stitches?: No
Bitten someone?: Yes but they liked it ;)
Cried for the pets?: Yeah, though this question is poorly worded.
Destroyed the furniture?: No
Stayed up late at night?: Every night DERP
Curse at others?: Yes XD
Had a crush on the idol or TV character?: I think so

DO YOU PREFER
Fruit/vegetables: Fruit ^_^
Black/white: Black
Lights on/lights off: Off,
Summer/winter: Both!
Snow/rain: Rain
Rock/rap: Rock
Meat/vegetarian: MEEEAAATTT
Chocolate/vanilla: Vanilla
Ocean/swimming pool: Swimming pool, ocean scares me
Pink/purple: Purple <3
Cat/dog: Both!
Jeans/skirt: Skirts
Winter break/spring break: Spring break
Spring/autumn: Spring
War/Peace: I am not saying either.... what an idealogical question...

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
Funny?: Once upon a time...
Cool?: Cool is determined y the observer
Pretty?: For a boy.... so NO!
Sarcastic?: Potentially.... yes
Lazy?: Up until the last minute yes
Hyper?: Yes 50% of the time
Friendly?: I supose so...
Evil?: I like to say chaotic neutral
Strong?: Yes, definitely
Dorky?: Somewhat I suppose
Bad-tempered?: Not typically
Blunt?: Sometimes
Square?: Pffft no!
Curious?: Rather, yes


ARE YOU A/AN...
Goth?: No
Nerd?: I suppose that depends on the definition
Otaku?: Yeah somewhat.
Bimbo: I never understood what that meant
Slut?: No
Hippie?: No
Emo?: For fucks sake really.... *sigh* I'm not even going to justify this with an answer
Goody-Two Shoes?: No
Tomboy?: Sometimes
Gay/lesbian?: Lesbian, though I do crave the RARE male
Outsider?: Yes very much so
Religious freak?: Not in any way no
Rocker?: No
Gangsta?: .... I see what kind of quiz this is....

DO YOU CARE ABOUT...
Animal rights?: Yes
Religion?: Nope
Human Rights?: Yes
Politics?: Sometimes
Environment rights?: Yes
Sexism?: If it exists on a large scale then yes
Gay rights?: No I'm a lesbian who hates gay rights.... why is this even put here in this day and age anyone who doesn't believe in gay rights needs to be taken to an island until they can get with the times!

LAST QUESTIONS
What kind of computer do you have?: Asus
What grade/level of studies are you in?: Personal betterment (none)
How many posters do you have in your room?: None
How many books in your room?: 51 in my bedroom

So Iwoke up and listened to the song Numa Numa as I recall it being a really happy and motivating song. I turned it on this morning and listened to it as background noise a few times then I paid attention. I have never actually listened to this song the way I did moments ago. I must say I haven't cried in a month or so but the lyrics of this song cut me deeply and I had a mini breakdown. Specifically the lyrics "When you leave my colours fade to gray" as I am partially colourblind and only aocasionally do I have what are called colour flashes where I am able to see full coloour for a while sometimes it can linger and fade for most of a day, However since Sultry has been gone it doesn't seem that it is stimulated or happens much anymore.

I lost all my pictures, I am alone and without my heart. However I am not writing to say that I am sad and the typical "boohoo" I am typing this to say I am inspired to rebuild my photo library better than before I plan to go out today and create something, I will use this dark period in my life for art and I will further my works and make somehting truly amazing.

But really go listen to the remix of this song and you may be able to see what I mean and why it would make me cry. It is so weird I never noticed it before

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slMVuRLcUa0&NR=1&feature=fvwp

So today has been like the worst day EVER aside from when Hancel was taken... like you won't even BELIEVE how bad this day is YOU WON"T BELIEVE!!!

So it started when my grandmother was cleaning and moved my computer table which had my laptop on it all cords attatched, my 1.5 terabyte hard drive fell to the floor and no longer works, I had it professionally looked at by  waggable who pronounced it dead. So that's ALL my data gone EVERY picture I have taken accept the ones on the SD cards currently are GONE! So photography portfolio, I DON"T THINK SO! For any of you who don't know I collect data and fle it and organize it and it's like a personal obsession of mine and to lose ALL my data... it kills me. So I bought 2 1.5 TB hard drives as they are conveniantly on sale on newegg.ca right now

Then my ISP which is also conveniantly the company I work for came to my house to check my internet as it has been running at half speed despite everything looking fine. The tech replaced the line which he said was working anyway and we swapped out my modem. So later when my speeds had gotten no better I called in saying there was still an issue, Tier 2 was contacted and they said it may be a glitch in the type of modem I have as it is a Modem Router Combo of business class that they provide for a very low rental. So now they say to go get an old wired modem and try it as they think it will work but either way there is nothing they can fix as visibly there is nothing broken. So that's FANTASTIC

So then I was stying optimistic my internet is still running at 15mbps and I got 2 new hard drives and can start rebuilding my data library and anime collection so I beat the new pokemon game so I could get my old team off the other game.. and lo and behold I turn on my old game to get the pokemon off of it and the game has been deleted.... now that seems simple but I had spent 500+ hours playing all the other games to get those pokemon and train that team using algorithms and played that team like pokemon was the national sport.... now it's gone.... and I hate all the new pokemon and want none of them... My umbreon, espeon, absol, snorlax, milotic, mewtwo, togekiss, alakazam, and many many more pokemon I spent hours on each and now it's all gone too... all in one day every bit of dataI had stored over the years is gone... every piece of data I EVER had is gone..

I am finding it hard to be optimistic after all these blows...

Sorry for the depressing emo journal

So today I have my grandmother over to help me clean as I am super busy and don't have time to do a thorough job, besides she had business in town anyway so I don't feel bad she loves to clean after all XD We've been at it since 8 this morning (too early) It's weird having her here and depressing as I have to go in "boy mode" and play pretend all day. I was extremely happy to have to go pay bills (how weird is that?) so I could grab my purse and go walking down the streets it felt SO refreshing to be out and walking around, it's become sooo tiresome to play "boy" and have to use a deep voice not that I have an ultra girlie voice normally but it is a higher boys voice when I'm in a good mood it hurts my throat now to talk deep, this is a good thing!

So I payed my bills and no one really payed any atention to my purse which doesn't bother me too much at all I like it that way, being called a "fag" get's really annoying. Like how do I even defend against that? "I'm not a fag I'm transexual" Like that sounds so much better! XD

So after banking I went to take my super awesome letter giving me permission to start hormones to get photocopied as I picture my parents reading it and tearing it to shreds so I need a backup letter, pretty smart thinking if I do say so myself, I may even let them rip it for therapy, Joking on that one.

As I walked I narrated my thoughts so happy to be able to walk out and about without any attention of the negative variaty. I walked home carrying the 5 photocopied letters in my hands, the wind was blowing hard and it was then that I realized that if these letters blew away in my small city my life would become alot more complicated. Fortunately that didn't happen and I got home without incident... you can tell I never get out jeeze a trip to the bank being that exciting.... to pay bills nonetheless.

I need to upload another video to youtube soon... dunno why but it's been a while. I also need to eat before my tummy growls at me to death.

Sorry for the unnecessary journal just wanted to clear my head, it felt good!

Thanks for listening =^_^=

Hey  maoria is doing 7euro pregnancy commissions. It's really good lineart and you get to repost and have it coloured by whoever you want.

I so want one BAD her art is really good however I am too poor but I figured I would let everyone know so they can check it out as she is doing it for a purpose so go check her out and get her some more attention =^_^=

I'm in a bad mood... EXTREMELY bad mood like BLOOD BOILING PMSING bad mood.

So I am going to rant about my problems with the new Pokemans XD (bet you weren't expecting that)

So Let's do this thing!

1. THE POKEMON: Okay so I get that there are a limited amount of pokemon that can be made before people complain and this is THE FIST time I have complained but I just can't find many pokemon I like in this game. My tea basically consists of 2 pokemon which is my leaf starter and some electric horse thing that knows flame charge (I hate the thing but it is a god with the moveset it has) I mean gothorita is cool but her stats aren't that fantastic (she is no Alakazam) DON"T DIS ALAKAZAM!!!!!

2. THE STATS: All in all I have no complaints there are alot of strong pokemon in this game, actually when I look at their stats I would dare say they are the strongest generation of pokemon yet, with Mumma leading the pack (as I've SO FAR noticed) However still the pokemon are not very interesting TO ME!

3. THE NAMES: You will notice how I have only named like 2 new pokemon, and this is because I CAN"T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!!! What happened to LOGICAL names where the pokemon was named after something relevant to it's existance... I am finding more and more that the names are just SILLY and I can't remember them! IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A POKEMON NAME NOT RELEVANT TO IT MAKE IT NO MORE THAN 5 LETTERS Absol for instance.

4. THE WILD ENCOUNTERS: BOLDORE BOLDORE BOLDORE BOLDORE BOLDORE BOLDORE BOLDORE BOLDROE BOLDORE BAT THING BAT THING BAT THING BAT THING!!!!!!!!!! those are you're wild encounters in caves NOTHING ELSE!!! (well there may be others but I am so mad at these two I can't remember them)

5.: THE ONLINE FEATURES: I CAN'T FIGURE THEM OUT AT ALL THERE ARE APPARENTLY SO MANY OF THEM BUT I HAVE NOT USED ONE THAT I AM AWARE OF! HOW DO I KNOW IF MY FRIENDS ARE ONLLINE? HOW DO I GET THEM TO PLAY? WHAT IS THE POINT OF FRIEND CODES AS I NOTCE THEY DO NOTHING??? AND WHAT ARE THESE SURVEY THINGS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

6. THE MUSIC: I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS!

7. IT"S NOT RUBE/SAPPHIRE:THIS IS MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH ALL GAMES SINCE THEY HAD IT RIGHT WITH THIS GAME IT WAS FLAWLESS IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY. WHY DID THEY GET RID OFF THE FORT MODE, YOU COULD HAVE YOUR OWN FORT WHERE AFTER LINKING WITH FRIENDS YOU WOULD GET TO GO IN THEIR FORT AND BATTLE THEM CONTROLLED BY A CPU. I GET WE HAVE WIFI NOW AND CAN JUST BATTLE THEM ON THE NET BUT I ENJOYED THIS FEATURE IT WAS AWESOME HAVING YOUR FRIENDS HAVE A BIT OF THEMSELVES IN YOUR GAME AND WHEN YOU CHECKED THE TV YOU WOULD GET INFO THEY SHARED ON THEIR SURVEYS IT WAS COOL! WHY ON EARTH DID THEY GET RID OF THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! OR DID THEY I DON'T KNOW I CAN'T FIGURE OUT ALL THE SPECIAL FEATURES OF THIS GAME AS I AM A NOOB AT IT AND HAVE NO INSTRUCTION.....maybe I'll read the manual... never thought of that.....

Okay so that's generally it also I must say there are some badass pokemon like this thing I saw wearing a karate belt which I WANT SUPER BAD. So I am on my 7th gymn and will beat the game soon then I will be battling with my old team and making a new one.

Also do note that I love this game I am just in a bad mood and instead of bitching I wanted to pick on a game that cannot cry or feel. SO DON'T ARGUE WITH ME... or do I love a good FRIENDLY debate

I'm really sorry to those of you who have been messaging me to no avail. I have been mostly offline, I have only really popped on for small tasks and wanted to give your messages my full attention.

I've been really sick lately, I still am but I think I might be getting better (I really hope) I have been in a rutt financially and it has affected my mood along with various other things. I have been spending most of my time resting so I can get to work and make money. My letter came in the mail permitting me to transition and my councellor suggested I start on low dose hormones since it will be a while before Sultry comes back and I need to make some form of progress... however finances are hindering basic living let alone transitioning so I am hoping to get a lucky break soon.

The situation with Sultry is bad I don't want to get into detail but it seems the government is not as forgiving as we had hoped.

Right now I am pretty much having to be a one women power house and take care of our financial situation, our legal situation, and anything else related to us. I am stressed to the max and have for the most part stopped seeing people in the physical world which is likely for the better at the moment as I cannot deal with any added stress or I will lose my mind.

I am trying to learn more about computers and networking to hopefully better my eligability for a higher paying job in the future as I desperately need one. On the plus side I switched phone carriers and got a free HTC Desire HD phone which is en route currently. I mostly got it so that I can skype on the go and have free voicemail so Sultry can have even more ways to get in touch with me as I am prepped for the worst at any moment. The phone of course is a nice perk

So that is my update, not all bad not all good. I hope to be more active and if I ever seem short emotionally then I am sorry I am just rather stressed.

I recently read an interesting article based on a piece of philosophy from an anime I watch this article contained extremely interesting theory which I have been thinking about ever since.

The idea is this: Media affects how we act and our perception of the world this can be seen in MTV and hollywood and on a larget scale in all of our homes, we are all effected by media. On another note we are also affected when we spend a great ammount of time with another person, we pick up on some of their traits, I am sure you have all found yourself adopting phrases and such from friends or ideas. Now if we take social media and then throw in social networking we are all viewing almost the same social media in one way or another and we have constant access to one and other through means of networking.

So the idea is that through media and widespread social networking we are all becoming similar and similar and less individual. This fascinates me as it also can be used to explain or elude to social structures and their formation to some degree.

It can also be used to explain me and how I became how I am today as I never really watched mainstream cable nor was I overly involved in any group activities I was usually alone playing RPG games or watching anime which has partially caused me to develope a different and somewhat false ideology which I have had to correct repeatedly over my lifetime.

This is all very interesting and I hope it made sense the way I explained it as I am speaking beyond my level of curret intellegance right now which I will blame on my solitude where I have nothing but time to think and research.

Anyway I just wanted to share that with everyone, let me know what you think about it

So here's my friend code for Pokemon Black 4255 3141 9756

Feel free to add me and let me know when and if you do so we can plays! =^_^=

I have been doing some thinking over the last little while inspired by recent events. I used to believe that being truly happy meant having lots of friends and finding meaning in my relationships with these people. I would validate my existance through others, as how I percieve myself is not necessarily accurate and I feel a sense of worth being validated by others that I cannot give to myself. I mean being alone in the world is scary if someone insults you or criticizes your way of life how do you know they are wrong if you don't have someone to say how big of an idiot they are? How do you feel valid, or happy?

I have come to believe that this is not the way to live as friends are not perminant usually, there are very few friends that have stayed by me through the years and there is constant turmoil. I always worry that I am the villain and that all the misfortunes that come upon me are somehow a result of my actions and are a fault of mine after all why would so many people wrong me? I always tried to make alterations to myself or refrained from taking actions that were in my best interest solely for the sake of not upsetting the other person, sometimes even if that meant me being abused which in recent months it has to a lesser extent.

I think the true key to happiness is being able to be happy and alone at the same time, to be satisfied with yourself and be who you are despite what others think... however that seems like ignorance to me as one has to conform to society as a whole to some degree due to acceptable etiquette. However I have fallowed all of the rules and still I am wronged, I thought if I was helpful and kind to everyone that when I was in need they would rush to my aid circumstances aside. However this is not always true nor should I rely on people to do such, relying on others is a mistake that has cost me a grave deal. From today I am going to be me and do what is best for me, anyone who wishes to be my friend will do so knowing full well how I am and not expect characteristics of me that do not exist.

This more affects my physical life than anything else as I have lost a great many people this year and it seems the drama that comes from the people around me is great and could be avoided if more action was taken towards it by myself, however I have abstained to avoid the almighty "drama" the bell that furries ring the second something goes wrong. So I am done with organized furry groups for the most part and am going to learn to be more self sufficient. As I can rely on me and only me to protect myself and face judgements. More than that I need to be strong to hold up a home for when I get Sultry back, So a strong independant women I will be. This is a very freeing realization... but it also saddens me as humans are social creatures and I have lost that in the physical world for the most part. but oh well new connections will be built, or they won't I need to learn to be happy and sufficient with or without them.

I deleted my last journal because it was full of the whinings of a weak and upset fox. I was having a moment of weakness after having my roomate steal and sell my stuff (Collectors Edition Modern Warfare 2) so I had to kick him out which isn't my thing I wanted to keep him and help him hence I wasn't charging him rent until he got a job... but alas. Then I found him gossiping with another fur on my doorstep about me and Sultry and I lost it and got all yelly... I was worrying that I am selfish like they were saying However I have to be stronger of course they were gossiping they were the two people I have told off for one being inapropriate and touching me after I said no repeatedly on MULTIPLE occasions and the other stealing my stuf and selling it. I really can't let myself get beat up by two people who would do those things. I still can't believe I yelled... I am not the yelly type 0_0

Well I know what they said is lies I am not ruining Sultry's wedding, as we have talked about iit lots. I for the first time since hihgschool felt like clocking someone... it's a VERY bad feeling especially when it's another fur. Last time I punched someone was in computer class of grade twelve someone called me a "faggot" so I got up and punched them in the mouth. Of course I warned them I was ging to do it multiple times but they wouldn't believe me. I felt bad afterwards.

However I feel pretty good right now, I live alone again, Yuma the lone fox. Through all that has happened to me this year I have stayed strong (not without help) I can get through this soon, transitioning will be MUCH harder but I will do it regardless. Also I have a new theme song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaKH9bywzgQ

Listen to it and BE AMAZED!!! I really want ot get a theme song commissioned sometime it's such a selfish thing to do but I so want to do it XD

Well I bid you adieu as I must walze off and shower and shave and figure out how to go back to living alone and all the fun things I can do (ie. dress as a girl frequently)

So I am venturing out today to pick up Pokemon Black. Yes I always complain about how poor I am hence I am selling Call of Duty Black OPS to get it as I don't really fancy the new COD very much and I LOVE Pokemans with a big <3

I am going to get black version because of the Gothick pokemon as she is psychic and those are my favorite type for the most part. I am SUPER glad I get to play in time for tournaments and all that good stuff that I missed in all the other games. I can't wait to load my old team from Diamond and play online with people from FA as it seems most of my friends have this game, well not most but alot. It's gonna be super fun!!! and right now even though I am trying to make money above all else it's time I invested a little in my sanity and Pokemon will give me HOURS AND HOURS of joy as I play that game like a sport.

Anyway I am extremely excited and that game will never grow old for me =^_^=

That's right they came in! I totally got my stockings in the mail when I got home from a boring droll day of work and I INSTANTLY cheered up! Though I couldn't try them on instantly I wanted to sleep and put them on while Sultry was on the phone as she is very upset she is not home for the beginning of transition (I am waiting for her to get home to start hormones) but as soon as she called I got out the razor and shaved my legs which I forgot how good it felt. I slid the silky nylon stockings up my legs they felt so cool and wonderful as they wrapped snugly around my legs.

This is the first real feminine thing I've worn for years and I cannot believe I forgot how amazing it feels I instantly felt more confident and started walking differently and taking note of all my actiions like there was no shell or veil to hide behind, I was confident. I still am it is awesome I definitely need to keep going with this transition if stockings can be likea drug then I can't even imagine how pleased I'll be when I can go full out female *wiggles*

On top of that I got an email from a girl I knew over 5 years ago in highschool, I idolized her greatly and to get an email from her out of the blue was surprising I opened it and it was her saying how proud of me she was for being so brave and pursuing this and that she knew another trans person a year under her. She also said I'd make a "hot chick" which made me blush. I wil so cherish that letter forever. I can't even put into words how grateful I am for ALL the things everyone has been saying and all the encouragement. It all means a great deal to me especially at this point in my life. You guys are the best and I can't say enough how grateful I am.

So In sum THIGHIGH STOCKINGS ARE AMAZING and I am on cloud 9.

Hae an awesome day everyone!

So I told my supervisor today that I am going to be transitioning (I'm still shaking) I trust him a great deal and I told him even before I got moved over to his team I was going to talk to him exclusively about it as he is the only one i trust. I was so audibly choked up talking to him. For the time I was talking to him I had perfected my feminine voice as a result of sheer terror XD I told him that I was going to transition and I wanted to tell him as he is my supervisor and I didn't want it to cause any problems at work at one point I audibly choked, it was a disgusting noise as my throat closed over but I opened it back up and finished. He looked at me fron his chair, his fingers interlaced and his voice rose in a feminine way and he said how great it was and that he was thrilled to hear it and he understood my concern as the idea of "transgender" is foreign on the small island I reside on. I then told him it felt like I was coming out to my parents of something, myself now panting for air. He just smiled at me and said "been there" and told me how people in the company look at him strangely too and he made no big deal of the whole affair.

After the talk he said if I EVER needed to talk with him be it at work or out of work to call him and he handed me a sticky note with his phone number on it and his name written in an elegant scrawl which even I could not come close to.

I proceeded to thank him and stagger into the bathroom having a massive panick attack and almost losing my lunch so to speak. I was delighted but my body was on overload and needed to destress...what a "break" that was OMG

So I came out at work and it went good. Better than I could imagine... I am truly lucky alot of Trans people aren't as fortunate as me and my sheer joy also comes with great sadness for all those who aren't as fortunate as me. I doubt I will ever call his number, I wish I could but I hate imposing or calling someone when I am in wreck mode but nevertheless I will cherish that piece of paper forever.

Next mission is parents. ^_^

So my last post about Japan... yeah... Things have gotten bad and I am kind of freaking out. Some people posted the worry of their reactors going off... yeah.... it looks like they could be right... right now all of Japan is in trouble, Nay the entire world is in trouble if this happens as our water could become irradiated... here's the link... I'm going to go try and relax *staggers off*

http://www.suntimes.com/4275556-417.....eat-looms.html