So cool and scary news. I got my letter saying that I am able to start hormones. This is amazing because it's exactly what I have been working towards, however it also scares me because now this is all very real and going to happen, I am the kind of person who pursues their dreams and then runs when confronted with them so that I can go pursue another dream. I never realized this until I got this letter and was filled with pure joy and terror all at once. As now it is time to tell my mother who thought it would take me 5 years to get such a thing. Then there are a million other worries that flood over me like my current heterosexual relationship becoming a homosexual relationship.. I have had alot of panick attacks over this process and I wouldn't call this one I am just slightly worried as now this all becomes real.

However at the same time when I stop and think it's not hard to figure out this is what I need to do. I cannot allow my pathetic bad habbits influence this as the whole point of chasing dreams is to fulfill them. If I knew my family would be accepting this would be easier, I thought I had gotten over that worry but I haven't... I guess I'll just have to tell my father as he is the one I am the most afraid of losing, we have grown alot clser in the last while. I still debate telling my supervisor at work even though he is surely gay and would probably be fine with it.

All in all this is good news In a mere 3 sessiones I have triumphed and procured the object that will allow me to bloom. Obviously she must see something in my to place such an object in my hands so soon. She gave it to me on the condition that I emmerge from my shell and live as the women I desire before the hormones as my physical shell should not limit me except in certain manners of dress. So androgony mode ON! This is all good news and I am going to beat my restless mind into submission Sultry already said she is fine with it and her only worry is not being able to please me which is NOT going to be a problem as my love for her is truly unconditional in every sense.

So as most of you know a huge earthquake hit Japan causing a massive tsunami. Currently 40 people have been confirmed dead. This is a great tragedy for Japan and I am certain the death toll will continue to rise.

I have seen many journals about it including one by an artist claiming it was "karma" for them hunting whales and the likes. This infuriates me as anyone who knows me knows I LOVE Japan I hold they're culture and ettiquette very close to me and ANYONE who would say they deserve it... well I am not going to continue but (insert bad stuff here)

I truly hope things get better but with all the sadness I want to present a more optimistic note of the matter.

If ANY country can recover from this it's Japan throughout history they have proven time and time again that they can survive and rebuild through determination and that wonderful willpower that all humans have. I mean if you look at Hiroshima today it is a busy and bustling metropolis just as beautiful if not more then when America dropped the Atomic bomb on it. Japan will remain strong and rebuild, I have full faith in they're ability. If I had more money I would send it to them in aid of the efforts to rebuild the damaged areas. So although it's sad Japan is tough and they will be okay in the end afterall they did create the Samurai.

So I hope you all wish Japan the best of luck aswell as all other affected areas.

This has been happening more lately and it's scaring me a little. I will be sitting down or doing anything and I'll think I said something but I really just thought it or I'll go to the bathroom at work and I'll freeze and think I was just yelling and wonder if anyone heard me but I was just thinking loudly it happens alot when I am singing in my head. When I get tired it's REALLY bad to the point where someone will say something to me and I will think my response and forget to say it. Sultry growls at me alot for that one when I am exausted.

I don't know if this is a symptom for anything or not but when I think about it aside from at work I barely speak I have conversations in my head, like constant chatter I don't even know what goes on in my head but there is constant noise like "brain static"

I'm really shy posting this as I worry it's a big problem and I have some degenerative mental disorder but that's just OCD. I figure it's likely due to any form of close human contact that isn't through text given as I type I say what I type in my head so Ithink my brain just forgets the differance... is that weird? I really am a recluse >.>

I don't know if I did right. I was talking to another trans girl who has been having trouble with her parents a situation I know all too well. We spoke for an evening and I tried to boost her spirits as best I could. Then I read a journal she posted about how she wants to kill herself along with a bunch of animals and go to hell where she belongs and wishes us all to hell too. I snapped I thought of  borys and then of myself at 16 with my head laying on my desk at school after overdosing on gravoll I thought of the stomache problems I have to this day because of that decision. I yelled at her and told her that she was being weak and that one must be strong to survive in this world and that being trans is hard as hell but get's easier. I then scolded her for hating us all enough to kill herself and wish us all hell and that I would not waste my concern on someone who would quit. I said I would support her, but not if she gave up on life.

I feel miserable... however at the same time angry that someone would say something like that. I never knew I had such a problem with suicide, to the point that the thought of someone doing it makes me angry... life sucks sometimes I know but to kill yourself and throw it all away and hurt everyone around you... I can't conceive of it. For this person to note ME and tell ME to go to this journal all of a sudden saying I can't stop them... enfuriates me.

After all I've been through and am going through I have not killed myself and to have someone come to me and say they are going to do it hope I go to hell and I cannot stop them... how dare they tell ME about how hard life is... and I know that sounds conceited hence I feel awful.  borys had problems, he did what he did with good reason in my opinion. So many people struggle so damn hard and here someone comes because they have something wrong and scream to everyone how they are going to kill themselves... So lay it on me... I'm not going to feel any worse.

Here's the journal

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2154584/

So I did it again I went to the STUPID vending machines and bought a bag of STUPID chips, they weren't even good. I paid $1.25 for something that didn't even fill me *reaches in her bag and munches on the pack of crackers she brought* Yeah that's right I have been living off of crackers while at work and though it is nice that I have lost a TON of weight and feel good about my self image it is NOT good that I am eating crackers. My life needs a serious crackdown.

I need to take control be a bit more bossy and not so damn passive aggressive... *pants* Ugh I am getting stressed I am not eating right and I am wasting money on vending machines and novelty beverages. I am not speaking up when something bothers me about ANYTHING as I am too nervous though this may come as a surprise to people even ones who know me in RL I am EXTREMELY shy and NEVER coem out of my shell Or if I do it's RARE. I have TWO councelling appointments friday which will be nice as I seriously just need to vent to someone BAD!

I miss Sultry BAD I am pretty good mostly but ugh it's so frustrating and enraging and I am having to hold up the entire world right now and that's fine I am strong and I know I can handle it it's just so frustrating and occasionally I just need to complain (like now) and I'm sorry you all have to read this I don't like being all "waaah life's hard" but it IS hard it's hard for all of us I know this we all have hardships but right now it's my turn not that I want a turn. I just keep myself busy I watch TONS of anime and read and.... work... that's really it but it works.

I am going to learn how to cook asian food as it is cheap and affordable plus Sultry loves asian food so I can cook it for her when she comes home and I can be the perfect housewife for her. I try to focus on that I am making myself better for her. When this is all said and done I will be so proud of myself and I am even now as I am 20 and handling incredible stress.

I am truly grateful to have all of you for sticking with me and I know I complain a tad more than I would like but after it's all done everything will be fine and know that I don't take a single one of you for granted.

*hugs everyone* Ok I'm done now, back to work for me.

So I am opening up a fortune telling service online in hopes to make some money as right now it's tight. There are a number of different options and it will be updated as I work out the kinks. Fortune telling can be done here on FA or through email.

The prices will vary depending on what plan you want I offer up to a paid amount of a years worth of readings. The more readings I do for a person the more accurate they will become. I do tarot cards, Runes, and Numerology.

Runes (yes or no question) $2
Tarot card reading (1 time) $5
Numerology (Complete evaluation) $15

Unlimited questions:
1 hour: Tarot- $13
1 hour: Runes $12

1 week: Tarot $25
1 week: Runes $24
1 week: Tarot & Runes $30

1 month: Tarot $75
1 month: Runes $70
1 month: Tarot & Runes $100

1 year Tarot $500
1 Year Runes $450
1 Year Runes & Tarot $600

Currently I will accept art trades for fortune telling which can be negotiated. Wether this will be perminant is yet to be seen.

Now this is very rough as I am working out the details and prices will likely get tweaked and such but nothing drastic.

Things that say unlimited are just that from 1 hour to 1 year I will be your personal fortune teller. For any of the unlimited I ask that you please consider me a little as I do need time to eat and sleep however I will do my best to suit your scheduling needs

On Numerology: Numerology is more of a one time thing it's a complete evaluation that takes me about 1 to 2 hours to go through the mathmatical formulas for your name and determine correct predictions through analysis. It's very precise hence it is not catagorized the same as the others.

Inquiries can be made here or to randymacphee[at]gmail.com

Payment can be made via Paypal to randymacphee[at]gmail.com (other payment methods can be worked out)

Thanks and sorry for the mess.

I am writing this down so I do not forget, though I doubt I will forget something so profound but I am the kind of person who has to make things tangible so here goes.

I often wondered why I read stories about all these trans people who are miserable how they are which I understand yet I am not, I have felt I should have been a girl since I can recall however I currently dont want to tear off my flesh because it is "incorrect" I used to as a teen but that has faded, I worried it is because I had accepted my male gender and that I was not transgender but just a confused individual like my family predicted. I mean I don't dress as a female at home or in public which is because I know I am in the body of a male and would rather not try and "fake" a female appearance until I have the means to actually appear genuine however as far as I know this is not typical trans behavior, perhaps I am catagorizing too much. I mean I am getting female things that I can incorporate into my daily life but overall I don't need to "try" and be a female in appearance like I am now

I really thought this was all because I was not trans but I was happy to figure out differently in one of those magical moments where everything is illuminated for you, when life gives you a moment of peace and reprieve. I was at my grandmother's birthday supper with my family reading "Everything Nice" by Lannie Rose" when it dawned on me. I am not miserable because I AM a women and I know it. I look at my hands as they type and I feel delicate and feminine. I feel myself walking and I don't feel like a guy. I look in the mirror and yes I do see a male looking back at me but then he smiles and I can see right through him that even through his appearance he is very much female. It is hard to describe, I feel as though I am not my body and not that it is incorrect but that, it just is.

I honestly believe if there was no societal restrictions and I could dress and be treated the same as a female that I may not feel the need to transition. I do want to look as a female greatly but alot of it is because I want to have the experience of a female and to be percieved as one by others. I myself know who and what I am and I have accepted myelf as female and embraced it I am not changing myself, I am changing how the world views me... I guess it's a different way of looking at transitioning however I do believe there are others similar to me. I find it very frustrating that I am treated as a male still but I can't blame people as it is instince to act on appearance..

I do dreadfully wish for womens clothing and to be able to wear it and when Sultry get's back I will sstart trying to dress as a female but right now I am not comfortable enough, I am a very shy person believe it or not my shyness often causes me to hide my personality even among friends I feel shy and nervous, I would go into more details about it but it would offend some people and that's not what I want. I am going to be seeing a councellor about this as I have 2 to choose from XD

Sorry this is so long I really should have just made a vlog but I do not look good enough for camera at the moment and neither does y apartment. Perhaps another day.

Anyway have a nice evening and if you read this I am absolutely SHOCKED as I honestly expect NO ONE to get this far as I said this is a document more for myself to read and go over before my next therapy session

It seems like every time I take the advice of those braver than I and step outside myself and venture out into the world and actually "trust" something bad happens like getting stabbed, violated or betrayed (I don't mean metaphorically) I don't know if this is normal but it has been my lifes story and as I get older I grow more and more tired of it. I can only assume there is something wrong with me that causes these kind of things to happen as repeated reocurring events happening over the course of my lifetimes cannot possibly be the fault of everyone but me. I don't know why tese things happen to me but they do and I am sick of it so I am going into Recluse Mode until I can get strong enough to deal with the cruel world I live in. I am not saying I am dissapearing forever, just until I can become the person I need to be to survive.

I am uncertain if this means I will not be active on FA or just not AS active, heck being a recluse may put me on here more I don't know but I just wanted to throw it out there partially for my own betterment and to let people know that if I randomly drop off the face of the earth that I will be back a new, brighter, and stronger person who will rely less on the people around her and more on herself.

I am not going to get into what caused this to happen as it would require the recounting of a long history for "unpleasant" experiences there was not ome huge dramatic thing that happened just another brick in the wall that took my last view of the sun away and made something snap inside of me.

This should be my last disheartened journal for a while, I may still post my transition progress but that is uncertain I may just write it on paper like my dream diary.

I gues that's it

Sionarra.

These things are a poison and I love them! Got this from scales4sales

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
No :(

2. Do you sleep with socks on?
Lately, yes

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
With someone...

4. Do you enjoy drama?
In moderation (not right now)

5. Are you a girly-girl?
I try not to classify (can't tell)

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
*cringes* I don't want to think about it

7. Small or large purse?
Large XD

8. Are you short?
No

9. Do you like somebody?
I'm engaged so I hope so...

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
No

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Define dirty: as long as they don't smell or have something on them then no.

12. Do you think you’re conceited?
No

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
When I can.

14. Are you double jointed?
I don't really know

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In training for a job

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
I was in a crowded pub so it's quite likely.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Not yet that I know of.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Yes

19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?
I don't know...

[ ] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried in a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[ ] I get jealous.
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG (ugh the no way)
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I like death/grind/black metal.
[x] I like rap. (some)
[x] I like techno.
[] I like country.
[x] I carry a purse.
[x] I'd be lost without my computer.
[] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[] I've never been called a spoiled brat.
[] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've been called a bad influence
[x] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.


Come on ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?
Non-existant :( QUITE BRINGING UP MY FLAT CHEST!!!

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Guys....?

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
...oh yes...

4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Not be a total insensitive douchebag

5. Do you have a best friend
A few

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Who hasn't?

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Humorous question: Yes.

8. Do you like your life?
Yes

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
No

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
No that sounds unpleasant and cold.

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Boys somehow.

13. How long have you had a facebook?
Too long

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
I wish.

15. What are your biggest fears?
Men, holes, sexual abuse, torture leading to death, violence from friends, my personal space being unwantedly violated

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Sure thing.

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
All the time... *coughs*  sultry

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
No I believe in people and the ability to change

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Absolutely.

20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Definitely there would be a ton of oppurtunities.

21. Are you currently missing someone?
Very much so.

THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:

Cowboy or Gangster?
Cowgirl

Preppy or Punk?
Punk

Face or Body?
Face

Good cook or take you out a lot?
Both XD

Sweet or sexy?
Both...

Armani or Abercrombie?
Eww no to both

Contacts or glasses?
Sunglasses!!!

Stress, stress, stress, stress... what to do with my time... do I dare go outside and risk another incident, do I risk my personal space being violated again and again and again.... I am thinking of playing an MMORPG called "Perfect World" I wanted to mention it incase anyone played or wanted to. I need to get away from all the craziness. I worry it will waste valuable time but in the same token... what is "waste" I dunno I am still debating I am really paranoid about doing anything that does not further me or benefit me in some tangible way.

Anyway that's that I don't want to make this one too long. Its one of those "Missing Sultry bad kind of days"

stress stress stress

I found this on stumbleupon, for those who aren't using it USE IT and for those who aren't fallowing me... do...

Anyway I read this and cried near the end it made me think. It's an interesting take on things.

https://webcache.googleusercontent......heegg_mod.html

Let me know what you think!

So I just woke up thanks to Artemis nosing my back until I woke up... he wanted me to pet him and when I stopped and put my hand back under the cover he started nosing his way under the blankets... what a cat... *sighs* but amids all the waking up silliness I FORGOT MY DREAM How can I log a dream if I can't remember it *growls* I guess I will have to read that research I saved on how to remember dreams...

However my day was made bad by finding I needed more socks as mine have dissapeared into the great sock void of forever-lost however it was then made AWESOME by me realizing "I want thigh high stockings" So I went online shopping and found much to my SUPREME SHOCK they are cheaper than socks here and I like them way better. So I got some white and red striped stockings which is SUPER EXCITING for me! I can wear them in jeans publically and people won't scream of the horrors but I will get the satisfaction of knowing they are there it's an all too good plan. I don't have anything else to write about I bsasically wanted to brag and squee about my new stockings. I also need shirts and jeans but that will have to wait until I am rich, or not as poor as I am now XD

Today is currently an uneventful day outwardly however inside my mind it is rather exciting. I have nothing but spare time to fill and my brain is rushing aroud trying to fill the time, how sweet of you mind of mine. I have been growing alot in the past couple of months and I am always excited to see my mind at work as if it were a happy child as opposed to how it used to be. The world around me stays the same but I have most certainly changed and continue to do so. Things with Sultry "appear" to be stable for the moment and I mean moment very strongly. However I am still preparing for the worst.

I have grown a great deal closer with my cat Artemis, he fallows me everywhere and comes to bed whenever I do even if it's just to watch or read he's right there. In fact as I write this he lays nixt to me his ears layed back and his eyes closed. I'm very lucky to have him sometmes I wonder how much he knows, he seems so intelligant and aware. He also seems to resonate my feelings as of late he has been very clingy and extremely cheerful. Which despite the drama in my life I have remained "cheerful"

I am also considering writing a novel that I have been planning to work on since my mid teen years. I am also thinking of keeping a dream log. I did this for a while once but as things in my life change I like documenting everything especially dreams the unexplainable mystery of life. I also want to get back into fortune telling, I am considering doing it online to make some spare cash, does anyone have any thoughts on this? I used to do it in highschool alot I would never have a lunch time free as people would immediately meet me after my class to get their fortunes read. I suppose I was good at it as they kept coming back.

Anyway that is my update today I feel very different like I am in a dream. I surely hope this feeling remains though I suspect it won't.

I was a real jerk to Sultry this morning when she woke me up to go to work. She scolded me for staying up and only getting 2 hours of sleep. I was exausted from...well not sleeping and got mad at her and we argued. The call ended poorly and now I am at work and she goes about her day in the terrible house she lives in. So I called on my break to say I'm sorry and to tell her to have a nice day and that I feel bad for being a total prick... and I got hung up on... not by her but presumabely her psycho step-mom... it was just a simple pick up and click-gone. We aren't allowed to talk.. only at late hours in the night... but I figured if I called they would think it an emergency as they know I don't have long distance and it could be important...but they hung up... I could have been dying and they just hung up. I cannot even begin to express how I feel I am currently angry to my core a few moments ago I was dazed and just stood in place at work with my phone in my hand until I realized I would attract attention to myself.

As if things aren't hard enough on the two of us we also have two psychos causing nothing but hell for us for NO reason... oh no wait they think Sultry is a spoiled rotten, selfish, snob a remark I would like to wipe their face with. They WILL NOT let me pay for Sultry's bills there instead the scream at her about how terrible she is for using their phone and how she is a "user" despite offering to pay.

When she was kicked out of Canada we were in a hotel room and her mother's said to call collect as it would come to 30.00 which they would pay. So she did to schedule getting picked up and driven to her childhood home. There was an error on the bill and it was written as 800 so what do they do. They bust into her room and hold the bill to her face and scream to her how "She is paying the bill' it was obviously an error but they just wanted to scream at her. Turns out it was supposed to be 50.00 which they called her selfish for not paying so she did... she now has $330.00 to her name in that country. They WILL NOT let me help or send her money and she is trapped in that house in a terrible situation I just bought her a computer but they will not let her connect to the net (though they said they would originally) She has NO CONTACT with anyone AND THEY ARE THREATENING TO KICK HER TO THE STREET. MY SULTRY TO THE STREET!!!

I am making an emergency backup plan and am going to be reaching out to the fur community for help I wanted to post here first as those who read this have been somewhat fallowing the goings on if they read my journals. I need a backup plan for her... she has NO ONE she is alone in America living with complete psychopaths who have stated "Don't worry we won't kill you, but we might do worse" If they kick her out I cannot let her go to the street she wouldn't last a second. If anyone can help in ANY WAY ideally I am looking for someone I can call if something happens and have Sultry move in (I will pay for all her expenses of course) I REALLY hate asking for help but there is only I can do from here. I understand if you can't help and that's ok... but if you can PLEASE let me know I can give more detailed information via email randymacphee[at]gmail.com I would rather her be with someone I trust than a stranger but at this point... anything beats the street. Now this isn't definitive I just need someone ready just in case. As this could very likely go down the tubes.

I'm writing a journal. I was going to write one about my day which was primarily about aliens and my last psych appointment where my therapist advised me to live more like a girl and not wait for hormones which I am now fallowing and have ordered a SUPER-SWEET-PURSE!!! With the financial approval of  sultry However I have to go to bed soon and also shower and shave the disgusting man hair that is deciding to attempt to invade the holy-ground that is my face so I am having to cut it short. HOWEVER I did find a super hilarious video which you should all watch. No really it's hilarious... well it's trans humor but regardless I find it funny, I like old style humor.

Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOjeZnjKlp0&feature=rec-LGOUT-real_rev-rn-3r-15-HM

Also because I am going to be carrying it and I am in love with it I have to send a pic of this purse as I needed it as my leather jacket is super puffy because I carry so much stuff with me, having to wear two seperate pairs of glasses for varying light intensity is aproblem

Anyway here's the purse. I WANT OPINIONS!!! http://cgi.ebay.ca/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=140513978975&ssPageName=ADME:L:OU:CA:1123

Also I got it cheaper than the list price. That's why I was able to afford it XD

Anywho I will journal more tomorrow I have to go wage war on my face an dshower and all that good stuff.

Bye-bye

So I have decided. I'm going to learn photoshop... I don't know how hard or easy it will be for a colour-blind person to use it but I have come to the conclusion that I want to make art with my camera and not be limited just by what I see with my eyes but what I see in my head. I have seen some really inspirational photography lately and I have concluded that my ideas of photography are incorrect. Yes photography is a way to capture the world as I see it but it is not to be limited and I can change and edit photos to represent whatever I want. I also decided I need a MUCH better camera lens as I HATE mine it is simply not crisp enough. I now see the downfalls of a kit lens... too bad the lens I want is 2,000 dollars... I have also decided that I need models who will be less tense... first I need a better place to shoot and a better lens...oh yeah....and money... ugh Anyway plans... photography... not going crazy

Also I as I am writing this I am being fueled by a Monster import IT"S HURTING MEEEE! So I'm kind of hyper as my body does not take well to caffeine... or rather it takes too well..

Also I need to learn how to be a lesbian. This sounds strange and you may think I'm joking but I'm totally not kidding at all. Going from boy in a heterosexual relationship to girl in a non heterosexual relationship is a scary thought believe it or not. I will not know how to...well y'know... this is extremely inapropriate andI'll probably cry with embarassment and shame when I come off this caffeine high and realize how dumb I am but it needs to be said... or does it.... well if I can get lessons then it needed to be said... if I just get embarassment.... well.... foxhole time... whatever right now my inabitiions are gone. AND SO IS MY SPELLING!!!

What else... oh sorry about my earlier journal it was whiney but I wanted to complain because I had a bad day. However it's swell now it feels like spring time (for some reason whenever I am happy it feels like spring) *holds her stomache* ugh monster energy import with 233mg of caffeine why must you hurt my tummy. Ok well I am going to go to work.... well I'm at work but I am going to DO work... and by that I mean... talk on FA... because my job is easy as long as my get yelled at tolerance is high WHICH IT IS!!!

Ok I am leaving... gooodbye... also found an outfit I want and I'd post the link but you would all drool at the picture instead of say "nice outfit" or you'd look at one of the pictures of me on FA *glares at  waggable* and picture my guy self in it...eww... ok GONE

I am put out by the art community lately and have no desire for commissions. I don't know who is having the fundemental misunderstanding but it is irritating. As I know it if someone pays for a commission they have paid to own a piece of art and can do generally what they want with it within reason (excluding claim they drew it) Like if someone commissions me to do a photo for them or I sell them a photo, they are the owner's of that photo same as if you buy a painting. Of course my issue is a bit simpler than that but it's all the same.

I see some artists who do commissions but will not let you post the pictures anywhere... I have to ask, what is the point of that?! I have stopped watching several artists for this very reason as it just doesn't make sense to me. Like I said maybe I am missing something fundemental but I assume if people pay for a commission of their character then they can post the picture as long as they credit the artist.

Or another pet peeve is when artists get angry because people are faving the commissionee's version of the commission instead of the original post on the artists page. Again if you pay for a commission you should have the right to post it the artist isn't solely responsable for the creative input of the art as they were COMMISSIONED to do it IE told what to draw so they are drawing what the other person created in their head so the idea of the person who made the inspiration not being able to post get comments, or faves on it is LUDACRIS (no not lucario... I tried)

So basically I-the huge art whore am put off of commissions and I know I shouldn't take what a couple people say so personally but I am, extremely so. I think we all know I can't draw and I would cut off my ear if I thought it would make me able so I get commissions to make my ideas come to life however if there is going to be so much drama over getting a commission then commissions be damned. I don't need to have it rubbed in my face that I am not the original artist I give credit and that should be enough... I have one cheap commission in the work whenever the artist overcomes current depression (which I understand) However after that there will be no new commissions from me for a while which is probably for the best anyway given my state of finances.

I must proclaim that I did not sell art simply posted it and got it favorited a few times...

So I have been thinking of consumerism the last few days as it's something I myself am a victim of. It's everywhere really corporations line the streets and are in our homes trying to sell us things... how do we resist the constant bombardment of temptation. We are probably the highest ever targed for corporations. I know if I walk to my home from the mall I pass a macdonalds, 2 subways 3 Tim Horton's 1 Burger King 1 Wendy's as well as an assortment of other places. As well as this there are vending machines in my work trying to sell me things at lunch and especially in a callcenter this is DEVESTATING! I get in the mindset of "I want that" I know I don't need it but I want it and my mind immediatly starts trying to convince me to get it usually the excuse is that it's a reward. The more you give in the more you want. I resist and last night I said I don't have enough money when there next to me was a nice handful of candy for 25 cents a nice alternative... so I gave in because i worked all day and I deserved it. I went to subway the other day because I hadn't eaten in 24 hours when in my freezer there were alternatives (few but still there) I find the things we want primarily contain sugar and I am not going to get in how evil sugar is and how it affects the brain in the same chemical way heroin does but meh. I'm just trying to piece together how the hell to beat consumerism... it's EVERYWHERE!!!

On an only somewhat related note I have recently learned (alot of things) that Shampoo is a detergine and that it actually damages your hair. Now everyone is aware that oil is good for your hair.. but shampoo takes away oil. Anyway you can research that yourselves. I am going to go without shampoo. From right now on I am not going to shampoo my hair, I will use conditioner and alternatives but not shampoo. I will be posting a log of the progress. I hear this works better on people with curley hair but I will just hope me and my straight hair can benefit also. So this is day 1 I showered yesterday and I will shower later but no shampoo.

What the hell caused you to think of such odd things Yuma? You might ask. Well the answer is this, I am not really good at anything so what better thing to do then spend my alone time trying to make my brain the most important thing in my body smarter. I want to learn and make use of myself. I don't know if I want to do photography as a career as it is largely not very profitable... I do want to be an artist but I'm young. So I am going to work my brain hard. I am using the site https://www.stumbleupon.com and it is AMAZING you should ALL check it out and add me my name on it is yumakutsuu. It is truly fascinating.

Anyway cheers and happy days!!!

So my Kindle still isn't in, it's been sitting in arival status since the 16th... then it got arrival scanned again this morning I called UPS and it should be en route now.... though I am at work :(

More news on my favorite feline  sultry A few furs  waggable  lacerta :and  sophiannakatan looked and managed to find her a reliable netbook which I payed for and had shipped to her... however apparently her parents aren't letting her back online as they are upset over things she has done in the past. So she is doing some family bonding and trying to work out some issues there. At this point it's all in her hands and aside from send money to help her one I get more (flat broke -_-;) there is nothing more I can do. I don't know if this makes me uncomfortable or not.... oh yeah and they also are threatening to kick her out... However I think it may be alright once they all talk and work everything out... I hope

Also I have finally discovered the Japanese music sensation known as "Vocaloid" or "Hatsune Miku" and I am OBSESSED like any Otaku out there. Their style and electronic voice.... Oh how I want to be a girl... not for an electronic voice but the style. I saw a girl today and I got SO JEALOUS! She was knocking on the window of a local lounge she was wearing a short-ish black skirt with a nice button up coat She had black boots that were done up with buckles and then she wore thigh high stockings and the little bit of let you could see had fishnet's and she wore a french beret. Her style was AMAZING and I was so envious I so wish I could dress like that. Ugh It's so creepy of me to write this about some random girl but hey it's a journal... well... a public journal...aaannyywaaayy

So yeah waiting for my Kindle... waiting for my Fiancee, aaannnd...ummm... I don't know aside from the usual art cravings Not much going on... Oh mailed out  Tadg_Ua_Faelain's sword he bought... yeah that's about it.... it's a rainy day here and I kind of like it actually... the snow is melting. I think right now on this day, things are ok. It's very relaxing I've been doing alot of thinking and learning... I still have so much more to do... but life's like that.

Anyway thanks for reading as usual and I STILL appreciate everything and you all putting up with me I hope to get more pleasant journals up. With lots of deep philosophy XD

It looks like I have the next two days off... I don't know if I want them... Two days with nothing but time... I think I may just lose my mind. Of course that's not true I can't lose it... need to stay together so I can be with her again. Her parents are now trying to convince her that she shouldn't come back to me and that I want to use her and that she is using them and she should just get a job and not bother coming back to me... further saying my family doesn't love her and they barely know her... *big sigh* I really hope this re-entry paperwork goes through and she can come home to me in like 2 months OR LESS... I need her. I could have never imagined that love could be this strong to where I would give everything up. Gender change... so on hold... I will keep seing a gender therapist but I can't start hormones until she is home I need to have the money incase she ever has an emergency like me needing to buy her a new computer -_-; however that's okay I would give up everything for her ten times over. Though it's not the case this time things are just on hold for now.

Ugh this hold music at work is getting me all emotional it's always sad music...ugh...

My kindle is in the mail and moving again so it will arrive tomorrow... I hope it will take my mind off of all this and make time go by faster.. I REEAAALLLLYYYY hope it does because I am having a not very fun time to say the least... When Yuma doesn't have her Sultry things aren't good.

Also I am getting REALLY SiCK of RP requests it is ENRAGING!!! I don't generally RP with strangers especially when they don't AT LEAST butter me up first and on top of that Sultry would rip my uterus out... eww that's gross ok so she would just yell at me... ALOT... and I can't blame her. Don't get me wrong I like RPing just not sex RP's involving me and another random person. I say this because I want to RP really bad like a group RP on a forum or something like that If anyone is in or know of any let me know I NEED to occupy my time BADLY!

Also people who think I draw all the things on my page... I have people emailing me saying how amazing my art is and that they want an art trade and I say sure but you realize I am a photographer and they say things like "Oh I have no interest in photography" AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO PAYS ATTENTION TO PEOPLE'S PAGES?!?!?!?! Ugh... I can't draw *jealoussy*

Anyway I'm rambling, as usual thanks for reading and putting up with my emotions as they are raging right now and I will reward each and every one of you someday... likely with my unconditional love as I am poor.

Life is like a roller coaster and right now it's at the drop in the ride. For those of you who don't know my fiancee  sultry and I were seperated after a year due to immigration complications it was all a very long and dramatic process where she was forced out of the country immediatly on no notice at all due to misinformation given to use by government employees. She is currently in the lower part of America whilst I am here in Canada trying to keep everything together for her whilst dealing with my own transgender issues.

I have been able to cope sufficiently up until now despite all that has been thrown at me. Sultry doesn't have the nicest family and she is living with them. We are allowed to speak 3 times a day for 10 minutes each but we had Skype on the computer so that was manageable. However due to her mother's excessive chainsmoking over the last 3 years the laptop got clogged with smoke and overheated... it no longer works... and they are refusing to repair it and are furthermore blaming it on her and will not listen to the advice of MULTIPLE computer techs... I am not capable of function without her... there is simply no way I can resume normal function withoug my Sultry... I talk to her all the time and now to have her taken what it seems like ALL OVER AGAIN is alot on my system... I honestly have no idea what to do except get her a new laptop... except now they are saying that she has to get a job in a place that is not necessarily safe... and without a car... if I could get my hand son them.... anyway

I could rant on forever as I am currently losing my mind...


I am accepting donations from anyone willing to help us my my paypal is randymacphee[at]gmail.com

Any help would be appreciated... I never wanted to ask for money but I think rock bottom is imminent.

So nothing has really changed I am just sitting at work excited for my Kindle's arrival tomorrow and trying to get out to the post office which looks like it's been delayed to wednesday due to inclinate weather DX

I found time to upload another Vlog update which is swell, check it out if you dare.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBC4lGinyZw

*touches her hair* UGH I FORGOT TO USE CONDITIONER... I look like a scarecrow right now :(

I really don't have as much to write as I thought I did most of the things going on are realizations in my head which I will write later as they are too deep for this ditzy post.

That's another thing I've noticed, since fallowing the path I have recently decided to take I have become incredibly more ditzy. It's like, through my happiness I have become less clever. I mean in the end if it's a choice between being miserable and intellectual or being ditzy and happy I choose happy in a second but personally I think it's just a sensory overload. Going my entire life being depressed the mind learns to operate with it as a default so now I am having to completely retrain my brain to operate whilst being happy. Another thing I am gaining through this process is amazing self awareness which is something I NEVER had.

Life is just a peach. =^_^=

I hope everyone is having a happy Valentines Day (god do I want chocolate!)

A special murry-purry Valentines Day wish to my  sultry You can have your present later -_^

So I am back from my doctors appointment... it was slightly less than productive. The endocrinologist here has a 6 month waiting period but for me it would be a year as what I need is "elective medicine". So needless to say it appears as though I will be going to the neighboring province for treatment. This will cost me at least 500 dollars for the first month then another 500 for every 3 months after until my hormone levels get regulated. However the endocrinologist in the next province will not see me without a refferance letter from a certified councellor which I am working to get now. I had my first session with her yesterday and it went fairly well. I owe my thanks to  sophiannakatan as she reffered me and without her referral I don't think I would have gotten to see this person as she is booked solid. My next appointment with her is on the 24th at 5:00pm my time. I work that day but will have to get it off.

I am pretty bothered that it looks like it will take at least 6 months to get on HRT as that means I have to wait and have not much to work towards except making money which I will and am doing. Maybe pull a couple extra shifts at work. Fortunately incometax is coming around and I should be getting lots back from that... I really need it.

So that's really it with regards to that, it looks like the process won't be happening until close to when Sultry get's back to me. I have debated on self medicating me but I would prefer going about this the legit way... though I do wonder how dangerous taking the minimal dosage is and wether it would have worthwhile enough effects to bother. I dunno anyway self medicating is dangerous and I am highly unlikely to do it.

I am starting to see why out of all the transgender people on the island only 1 went through with it the others either gave up or moved away...though I just got a plan. There was one transgender person who I can barely tolerate but she was transitioning while on the island before moving... anyway I'm ramblind and writing journals that are far too long.

Thanks for reading and sorry for my last journal I had a lapse in bravery. I couldn't have imagined how hard this would be. but it is something I plan to pursue.

Thank you all again for your support I really do appreciate it.

I'm journaling this because I need somewhere to vent and this is the easiest place... I am extremely sorry to vent.

Transition or rather, working towards transitioning has been hard but the posative sides always outweighed the bad... however I just don't know anymore. I few risks have been put to my attention... like what happened to another transgender women who was found dead in a park after being dragged behind a truck, they later found out she was raped aswell... this story made me ill and it's only because I am currently completely numb that I can write that. Can i truly advance with that looming over my head. I have never felt fear like this before but it shocked me and I am still there. There are other horrific stories also... they go on and I live on a small island... to do this I would be throwing away my entire life and risking losing Sultry... on top of that there is constant dilation after SRS surgeory it needs to be done multiple times a day you need to use a stint or the vagina will "heal" itself closed... This I might have been able to deal with but with both these things together I am unsure of myself... I am not unsure that I am a female I know I should have been but I just don't know if I can go through with it... which leaves a horrific alternative which I don't know if I am willing to face... I don't know what that means all I know is when I think of staying a male I want to vomit and etc etc (things I iwll not say) I am stuck in an IMPOSSIBLE decision... there is no way to choose... do I become a woman externally and risk ruining my life or losing it, or do I stay as I am and be a miserable husk but have the love of my life... either way there is possible misery... one just involves isolation with it however the one that involves isolation could also make me truly happy...

I want an out... I want to be normal... I don't want to feel this way anymore. As if I wasn't born abnormally enough. I was born with a severe visual impairment that like 1 in 50,000 people have. I am not one to complain about how bad my life is but right now I have to say I don't want to live it. and the fact that I can say that in and of itself bothers me.

I have two big appointments coming up related to beginning transition, however I am uncertain if I will keep these appointments... I am trying not to do anything drastic as I am in shock but I just don't know anymore. I don't really know anything.


I'm sorry you read this and don't feel you have to comment as i will not be upset if you don't. I wrote this more for me and to be able to vent as I don't have another means to vent.

Sorry again...

Edit: by lose Sultry I mean by me getting murdered. She is the one thing I am not worried about going wrong. Only way we would EVER be apart is if I was dead, and even then my ghost would be with her.

I really want to understand what is chemically going on with my body lately. I am just calling it PMS or menopaus but realistically I am not going to get those. Basically what's going on which I have probably mentioned before is I am moody... really really moody. No one has likely noticed it as I have been extremely antisocial because of it. I don't want to rage or cry all over everyone. It's not even that anythings wrong because things are super great obviously as I move forward in all this with posative results. I feel bad for Sultry who HAS seen the mood swings and has had to stay up during the nights where I just cried ALL NIGHT!!! Ugh it's exhausting. So I am trying to think of reasons why it would be happening.

Theory 1: I am finally being who I really am and all the things that have happened to me anthat were repressed are coming forward due to my open mental state

Theory 2: Upon realizing what I have to do and accepting myself for who I really am I have felt INCREDIBLY more feminine like I used to when I was a teenager and everything is just sunshine and rainbows and estrogen is made in the brain. So I don't know if it's possible that my mental state has just increased the natural ammount of estrogen in my body to the point where it is... I dunno the idea trails off there as I am not a doctor and I feel silly thinking about Theory # 2 I actually think it's a combo of both.

I have heard of people mixing HRT with hypnosis to help the process as APPARENTLY you can be hypnotised into making your body produce more estrogen. Which makes sense but I don't know how feasable it is.

Anyway those are my silly ideas on the matter but either way I really am loving this whole process I have never felt so amazing and not "waah life sucks" which is amazing because I am at a point in my life where it should be harder than ever. *misses * However I am able to cope with just about anything... though am alot more emotional.

but yeah I just wanted to throw that out there because I don't want anyone thinking I don't like them anymore in RL I am just UBER emotional and I am sparing you all having to deal with it (don't say you can deal with it and it is fine because I kept Sultry up ALL NIGHT with it before... you don't want to open that door)

Anyway I have a super busy week and hopefully something awesome comes from it. I will have a doctors appt on friday to see if I can get a refferal to THE ONLY ENDOCRINOLOGIST WITHIN MY PROVICNE. If that doesn't work I will likely post some maanac journal about how hard things re and whine about stuff but I will warn you and you can delete it XD

Also I'm really going to try and update my Vlog in the coming week I just don't really have the circumstance to be able to regularily... I'll see what I can do.

Ciao!