A friend is having massive troubles and I'm going to pull what little fame I have to help out however I can!

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10948035 details can be found here ;W;

I'm there and tomorrows when all the beautiful buffoonery begins!!!! Excite!!

It's been a while since I wrote anything in the journal system, don't know if anyone will see this but I'm putting a bit of a word out for a friend who has been hit with the discomfort that is Murphy making things go wrong. A fast and skilled artist at rendering wonder she could use a bit of help from anyone willing or able to spare a buck or two. She's available for commissions and can be reached at an e-mail I can dispense upon request (past negative experiences have made it so she is selective about revealing it).

If you happen to like fantatic workmanship and skilled artistry and I will provide work-references/art examples below as well, please reach out to this wonderful peach either through her Ko-Fi or an e-mail request via me. Thank you wonderful beans for your time! ^^

Skillz References:

https://peachez.artstation.com/
https://www.instagram.com/commanderpeach/

Ko-Fi:

https://ko-fi.com/peachfryz

As a long-time fan of real-time strategy games (I'm not oblivious to some of their short-comings; Army Blob anyone?) I am rather excited to see a new one that's fairly traditional make it's way into existence! The rock and heavy music is very reminescent of Command & Conquer, Red Alert and Tiberium specifically (though one or two of the Generals games might've had a sound-track like this?).

I am much excited, the game engine looks sweet, there are talks of improving base-defence construction for us turtles out there and a 30 mission singleplayer campaign that's cutscene (in-engine cutscene with actual unit models just with higher res textures might I add!) heavy! I don't know if anyone else is as excited as I am, but I look forward to a fun explosion-heavy resurrection of the veritable soul of Command & Conquer... being reborn!

I'm attaching the trailer over here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTWD__poSnc and the hecking good music in the trailer called "Death Squad", very modern Hell March take I feel! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dwQGUNRKFk

Welp! It happened! Paypal closed my account due to "suspicious activity" even though I have not used it since the 6th of August for a single 100$ commission! Hoping on a resolution but given this has happened to thousands of people I might be boned. Does anyone here accept alternative payment processors? Google pay or something? Should furaffinity build its own payment processor?

Advice would be nice or some inquiry into alternative payment processors if this isn't resolved. This is going to suck so much in the future... Urgh!

This game deserves far more attention than it has been getting, thusly I am going to utilize my limited presence and attempt to make more people aware of it! All relevant details below, this cute and epic looking game deserves some fandom support don't you think? ^^;

https://www.kickstarter.com/project.....529/combustion

Since I am stuck at home and unable to work (the day off is nice, the throat aches and spinal cramps are not... how does a cold even do that... ) I figured I'd toss some more notes out there so I don't look like a hermit! Long-term plans in motion to attend cons, getting my first suit and as usual vomiting artwork all over my page as soon as I have it and don't contribute to the stereotypical feline outlook of laziness! In other news I figure I'd start "SHOUTING OUT LOUD!" about some peeps who deserve more attention in this crazy fandom.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN.....=AdlerTheEagle chiefly, Adler the Eagle! Not only is he so sugar-coated he gave my blackened carbon-enriched core SEVERAL dozen cracks (it might've even started beating once or twice...) but he also animates and his catchphrase is "Help somebody smile today!" HOW CUTE IS THAT!? In other news another special attention to another target of sugar-coated gleefulness and carbon-core cracking... https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCd.....AceofHeartsFox

Because more attention for these peeps is good for us all! Long-lives and futuristic optimism for all! Now excuse me while I go vomit computer chips and fiber-optics everywhere... hurg(/"U#=()U#Q%)"!Ö#"!$%"U#

For the longest time I have wanted to turn Rakking into at least a partial fuzz-suit. The problem is what maker does one choose for that sort of thing? There are SO many out there, and no easy way to find them. So I'm willing to take suggestions, by enlisting the help of the crazies out there! Chiefly, I am seeking a fursuit maker who has experience with electronics, specifically LED's. Ideal service options should include a moveable jaw and perhaps a cooling fan? Any suggestions would help! As far as style goes, I've always preferred a happy middle ground between "realistic" And "cartoony", we are after all a good combination of both in this fandom! Even expensive fursuit makers are a welcome suggestion since I am a workaholic. Saving up money is not a huge problem!

So... any suggestions out there? Creepazoids not wanted please! xD.

Anyone else get this feeling? Of being relatively young, not yet having acquired greymane status. You always feel older than you are when you work! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V36.....hannel=mrianda I feel this illustrates it perfectly! Mwahahaha, link time! Links are spoopy though! Gah, I need more cola...

So yesterday I became... this obscenely large number up above in terms of age! Today was awesome... pizza's, arcade action (yes there still arcades here!) and a terrible, terrible Resident Evil movie! A little poorer after paying for the party but who cares, it's so nice to hang with old friends, talk nonsense, have jokes. And watching the near-projectile vomit from the indoor theme-park ride... I kid, no projectile-vomiting so far, but trust me there would have been if we'd gone on that thing after eating! Now enjoying some Voltron and then much desired/deserved bed. Two days off upcoming! I am just... happy to be alive and share the news here.

Addendum: Has anyone had trouble uploading pictures as of late? I've tried twice now with a commission I wished to upload but always get a failure to connect even though the file does not exceed the size limit, are the dimensions also limited? Halp? D:

Those of you who acquired Dishonored 2 at it's full pre-order price maybe experiencing it's tirade of technical failings. I don't doubt Bethesda will patch some of them, but it is telling the id Tech 5 engine is being stressed to the limit here. That aside I have been enjoying my time, though I've messed up my stealth play a couple of times and had to restart.

This game has a deeper mechanic to it, attributing "Sympathetic, Guilty and Murderous" as statuses you can discover using the ever lovely Frankenstein heart you are provided with. It feels a lot more involved when you're presented with the power to be judge, jury and executioner, to know that you can eliminate bad people and not have the game punish you unnecessarily for it. That being said I tend to avoid killing people, all of us are probably guilty of something minor, and I cant see cheating at dice being a justifiable reason to introduce a blade to someones innards!

The new power systems are also enjoyable, and with the addition Empress Emily to the fold, we get some neat little differences. Graphics wise the game has a few outdated areas, but that comes with using an old engine near the end of it's lifespan. Like Fallout 4 I don't mind so much, the art style is what matters and Serkonos positively radiates atmosphere, from the bloody whaling docks to the choking hazards of the dust district. Corvo or Emily are quite skilled with a blade too, though Emily's does not fold up it is nevertheless a gorgeous design, and her power set is unique. While less expedient than Corvo's teleport she can grab objects and even enemies with it. VERY handy.

There´s new items to collect, upgrades to discover. And once again hunting down bone charms and even CRAFTING your own bonecharms as well as finding runes, discussing things with the Outsider. The world is ever as beautiful. If you can overcome it's technical shortcomings I feel it's a worthy successor to the original even though the story feels a tad similar!

That's my two cents on it at least! ^^;

So, for the past few days Iceland's weather has been going through some... tropical variations. Three weeks ago it rained non-stop for 3 days, and again today it has been raining since 8am! Luckily I had an umbrella I could borrow to avoid being completely soaked. Which I then of course laid to rest underneath my jacket to my unpleasant surprise at it's... moist condition, when I set off for home tonight. Have any of you been dealing with some unpleasant weather? If any of you have snowy conditions I'd love to trade this rain in for some snow! At least snow brightens up the pitch-black night and makes for some lovely camera shot opportunities! :D

Seriously though... trade with me plz =w= I have had it up to here with sloshing mud and heavy rainfalls!

As most of you probably already know, I like to use a fair bit of my money on just whatever kind of art strikes my fancy. Heavy fetishism, creative liberties with merging different franchises together. I imagine most of us do the same, however as of late I've been commissioning artwork specifically to showcase actual periods in my fictional universes history. Whether ancient times, their equal of the world war, a map of the world once I find someone willing to work with me on it. Weapons designs, spacecraft and cybernetics diagrams, I have plans for a lot of things, some of which may come true this year, some next! Tell me, have any of you sometimes sat down and poured hours into something on a piece of paper for a game and have it take on a life of it's own?

Because that´s precisely what happened with me one day!

On the second week of May this year, 20:30pm. My mother sat down with me to tell me news she refused to share with me over the phone. At first I thought she was being her usual annoying "face to face" type of news person. But when she told me the news... that my father, not even in his fifties, at the young age of 47... had passed away due to a heart failure that a simple pace maker could have prevented. The news hit me like a tank doing 50kph... so much that I turned right around and just started playing my games again. And now... don't you just fucking hate these dramatic ...´s? As if they add tension. His funeral was a week ago. And I am still trying to come to terms with a man not even twice my age, married anew with a beautiful wife and my darling half-sister Katrina. Had passed away from something 70 year old men don't even pass away from all that often anymore..

My father was many things, and like him I suck at keeping in contact consistently. We often forgot to call each other, but both of us were workaholics eager to earn a keep for ourselves and our beloved ones. I never even got to tell him that I was homosexual, that I'd found a partner that I could very well imagine spending a great deal of my life with... something that hasn't been a constant with me for over a year... I didn't get to go with him all that much to the island where his mother, my grandmother on his family's side, runs a guesthouse for tourists coming to visit. He wasn't as often in my life as I would have preferred... but if nothing else I know for a fact he cared. I mean what kind of man writes what is perhaps the sappiest, most cheese-laden song for his son of then 14 years to describe how much he misses him as he's working in China? I was SO embarrassed when he let me hear the song... but like a well-mannered teen I responded that I enjoyed it! Why cant more teenagers be polite... not that I always was, or always am. But I have my father to thank for my attempts...

I am going to miss him, I am going to miss my dad so fucking much.. I will of course try to keep in touch with my sister and stepmother... especially with my fathers brother who seems intent on staying in touch with me and dads family, partly because... to be all Hollywood, we're all the remaining parts left of him in the material world. I see the romanticism with wanting to believe in other worlds, in other places. He worked for Herbalife a lot and... even though I nearly cried at the funeral when the singing began I managed to lighten the mood just a smidge... heaven finally has someone else but Jesus to brag about, they'll all be wearing Herbalife Toga's before the year is out...

The funeral was beautiful too... in a macabre sense at least. The passing of one man is a tragedy, but the loss of tens of thousands every day is a statistic, but I see now why we see it like that... it's personal. Elenor, dads wife could not stop crying, why should she? She lost the one man she cared the most about because of something so simple, so preventable... that it feels like a rotten joke.

So the weeks have been tough... quitting my second pocket-money job to get my sleep schedule back on track, spending far too much money, and now writing this journal weeks after the fact... I guess I just wanted to vent... to all of you who still have fathers, treasure them. It helps that him and I were on good terms, we met as often as we could and we liked each other, our last interaction was pleasant... I know it's inevitable that people pass away.. but screw you Grim Reaper.. this stung far too much...

AND I'VE SEEN IT TWICE NOW! Sans any spoilers for those of you peeps who have yet to see it due to its staggered release date, I give you my Commonwealth Paw Stamp of Approval, or CPSA (I really need a cleverer initialism... ) so that should sum it up pretty nicely! The usual staples of Pixar and Disney are present, sumptuous animation graphics, rather likable characters (in this case very much so!) stellar sound design and of course, one cannot forget the animation! The world-building is rather surprisingly spot on for such a multitudinous civilization! Every branch and form of mammal appears accounted for in terms of infrastructure and environmental conditions! It must have been one massive effort to construct such a diverse city!

The moral is rather heartwarming and to the point, it manages to deliver a strong statement without having to shove it in your face! Always a plus! And of course those beefy dancing tigers are probably going to occupy my dreams for like... the next two months! Seriously, I know it released in March for the States (or according to Wikipedia it did... ) but seriously, go see it! Like, fake an illness or something if you can, go see it! Right MEOW! Now... one stereotypical feline statement aside, I'm off to bed and a future third viewing! <3

25 years old and I feel only a smidge wiser! Quarter of a century old... you know it feels a lot longer than that if you put it in perspective? Anyway, YAY! Friends, presents, pizza, movies! All tomorrow! Epic things to occur! :D

It has finally happened, 2016 is here and the flying cars and giant death robots aren't too far behind it... I think X3. I have a few new years resolutions! For one, commissioning the legendary Strype as an immediate future one! Two... lose some weight and drink less soda (but heaven forbid abandoning it!) meet some of my friends across the ocean and attend collage! All goals I'm going to be aspiring towards! What of you? Had fun? Drunk too much? Either way, enjoy the new year! I certainly look forward to it! :D

And I feel... a little hollow honestly. Both the ex's seem to be doing fine with their lovey-dove activities and... well I thought I'd moved on but who really does? You don't really "get over" something that was a part of your life for so long, not expediently anyway. Doesn't help the fact that if I wasn't blocked I might very well still favorite some of their artwork, style critique aside some pieces are legitimately good attempts at something at least stylistically new (though sometimes the anatomy is a little on the lacking side). I honestly feel a little alone, working too much, buying commissions, generally... not having a bad time, but not exactly a super joyous time either. Well sometimes, new work is more money so... maybe I finally get to commission at least one of those 250$ pieces I see appearing more often! Having disposable cash is quite nice actually, heh. How about you guys?

Has your past year been decent? Any new years resolutions? I don't have mine yet, but there's still 30 something hours to go! So I've got time! To those of you who like me haven't had a legitimately great 2015, well... I hope you find your 2016 full of joy, fun and hopefully new more permanent relations. As for me? I´m exploring possibilities, it might not end up becoming anything, but we shall definitely see. I wish I could say I wasn't bitter, but I'm bitter as hell. Probably will be for a while despite my cheerful demeanor, so be warned!

Anyway, next year I'll reviewing something I'd like to call Shrinking Genre, with a number of movies to it's belt and only recently made popular again! You'll just have to see what I come up with wont you? Stay tuned! And to all of us bitter people and the hopeful not so bitter people, a retroactively merry x-mas and a happy new year! ^^

Since the holiday spirit is with us all (Krampus included, come on he's a grumpy old fart but hardly THAT mean XD) I figured I'd make something to finally bump Enemy Mine off the top of my list! Merry Gift/Jule/Light/Silly/Capitalism, whatever insert here Mas we all enjoy! X3. Take care everyone! And may the next year bring us many positive tidings! :3

Ever wonder about a more realistic, down-to-earth exploration of what would really happen if two sworn enemies were faced with a tough decision? Well, here is my recommendation for this month´s movie! And I am planning on making this a bi-weekly or monthly event! Recommending old movies from my past, those that flew under people's radar or simply those whom I think deserve a second opinion. Today's or tonight's whichever part of the world you reside in, topic is 1985's Enemy Mine, a rather beautiful movie starring Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett.

In the not too distant future, mankind finally gets its act together and starts expanding out into space. However, as is usually the case with these movies us poor monkeys are not alone. A species, called the Dracs, has laid claim to numerous rich star systems and troubles follow soon after. A quiet day in one of Terra's space forts turns disastrous as due to his blood lust, Dennis' character ends up chasing a badly damaged Drac fighter deep into the atmosphere of an uncharted planet where poor judgement results in his copilot biting the dust and his craft demolishing on the hard rocks.

It isn't long however before he discovers that he is in fact, not alone. The Drac pilot from before, has survived. Initially hostile and confrontational towards each other, when they realize they have no way to contact each others fleets, they are faced with a tough decision... survive on their own, or band together to double their odds. What results is a charming tale of loss, sacrifice, responsibility and dare I say it, love? Not in the manner you would think either! This movie is a classic as far as I am concerned, the effects haven't exactly aged perfectly, but the makeup on Gossett's character is incredible, very organic looking and just goes to prove why practical makeup art is still more believable than pure CGI. The story is also touching, and reminds me a tad of stories told in world war 2, about how sometimes adversaries would meet and not kill each other though for different reasons than here.

Here it is a story of political and propaganda based racism, military bravado, and how the simple act of talking to one another seems to solve it, at least for those two. It tells the tale of two similar people, and manages to make Drac culture distinct, yet similar to ours. Proof of concept maybe, that certain universal truths, at least what we call universal truths, might carry across different peoples like starlight reaches all? It makes you wonder, when two nations go to war, is it really the nations, or just the governments? Are the two too separated from their people? I am unsure. All I know is this movie is quite the trip for your heart. I highly recommend this movie should you be looking for something a little smarter than your average movie about alien/human interaction, but on that note if you haven't heard of it yet, Alien Nation is a great touch, but more on that later!

Thank you for listening, this isn't exactly a review, more like a recommendation/partial review based on opinion, for better or for worse, enjoy my suggestion for an evenings worth of entertainment and food for thought!

I am starting to get the hang of this writing a journal every other time! I can see why it appeals to people. I am not really "popufur-ular... what am I even writing!?" enough to have a lot of people comment but it is still nice to air out your snazzpan from time to time. Grammar Nazi's stay back! Snazzpan is a word I literally just though up right now that refers to ones head! I have decided to use this journal for a happier-times notification of my rediscovery of an old movie I watched long ago. GHOSTS with Whoopie Goldberg, Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. The movie got me thinking about the afterlife outside of religious bupkis (pardon my old-time slang ya'all!) for a while but really, it is a joyful movie about a man who loses out on his life only to find out he still has more to do before moving on. I know Patrick Swayze passed away in 2009 but this movie reminds me of how awesome an actor he used to be, and it is generally a hilarious to a tee, and down to earth romantic tale.

If you ever find yourself wanting a good watch (since seriously, Whoopie Goldberg!) give this old 90's film a go! The effects still hold up nicely I believe, and if you have any classical or cool movies to share go right ahead! I'll be posting these most likely once or twice a week to recommend an old movie I've either recently watched or discovered in my library of old DVD's. Go ahead and share what you think! And on that subject matter if you can find it still on youtube watch The Tomorrowman. I HIGHLY recommend that one for more science fiction geared audiences!

For the time being, this is a much happier, more content feline, signing out!
Sayoonara,
Abis Sen.

Recently I came across a page from QuestionableContent, one of my favorite and frequently read relatively down-to-earth Slice of Life webcomics. I... am not entirely certain how to feel about it given how I think it addresses a faulty logic a lot of people seem to have. The idea of a "number of fuckups" or "three strikes you're out!" seems to be a common mentality with a lot of people, that you can only screw up so many times before you're not worth being around. But getting better, improving, staying away from mistakes (which you are BOUND to repeat because we are not machines) is a process, and sometimes a very slow one. I will link the page below. I say this because I feel like some people that I have known were all too eager to cast me out, especially given that after lengthy conversations with some of my friends, family and a skilled social psychiatrist, when you are depressed, angry, sad and feeling intensely alone you inevitably end up feeling bitter and might say something you don't necessarily mean. Simply because at the time it was a great way to vent ugly things you would not ordinarily say to anyone's face, most of them seemed to agree that yes, you screwed up but the cause of your screw up is a believable one.

Maybe I will never truly be free from my past, but then again maybe I only say this because it has only been six months since my life took a complete turn around, in some cases for the worst, other cases for the better I think. Do you have somebody to talk to about these things? Have you experienced what it is to feel like you are faulty when the other person more often than not also makes mistakes?

Perhaps I am simply rambling, the comic just got me thinking about somethings I think are misconstrued thoughts about a relationship. I don't truly (at least I don't think I do) believe in love at first sight or destiny or soul mates, they're nice concepts don't misunderstand me! But being with someone is a lengthy process of learned curves, straights and bumps and highs and lows. You can learn to love someone, more often than not the "feeling of newness" is what I think most people mistake for love at first sight, or lust on the first night to quote a cute yaoi song? ^^; either way, I shall put the comic page down below so people can offer their thoughts if they wish to! This isn't a criticism or a condemnation of anybody's perception, it's an opinion on something I think I have observed personally, as such I would like to know if anybody out there shares the same brain-sputters! That's it for today, have a good one you all! ^^;

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3025

It's been almost six months since the "downfall" as I like to call it. Almost six whole months since I made an uncompromising fool of myself and splintered apart what might have been an otherwise okay friendship status. But life goes on, right? I will admit to being a little bit naive, I do not subscribe to the whole "make a number of big mistakes, get labeled a bastard for all eternity" philosophy. I screw up, big deal everyone does. I wont pretend mine are somehow excusable because of this however. But like I said, life goes on and I have no intention of holding onto grudges, even ones I am told I am more than justified in holding onto. I have a job now, I can save up money (woot, more video games!), I am looking forward to November, Swat Kats is making a return at last! Or at least they will after the kickstarter proves a little more successful! Money projectiles will fly towards this phenomena next month! But then out of the blue someone I never expected to pop up on FA again has done so, sharing their admittedly massively improved art with this ravenous and art-hungry world. My comment on said art piece didn't stay for long, so I guess six months isn't enough time to let the mistakes fade and discussion start again. I kind of guessed as much, but naive hope stuck around! I did screw up pretty badly after all, so I'll admit maybe my naivete shone like polished chrome.

What about you? What do you guys think is a "justified" period of time to hold a grudge? Is it even fair to hold onto one given how people do in fact change? And in some cases do not change because of peoples opinion of them? Or am I just rambling because I like to believe people can change and that sometimes it is not their fault they change so slowly? I do not know, I haven't completed nearly enough psychology courses to fully understand the human psyche, not that I think anyone truly could, even with a masters degree. But life is substantially better than it used to be. And since it has been a rather long while since the last time I spewed out a lettered journal describing my current state of affairs I figured it might be time to finally update the world on my status. Maybe it is finally time to punt the depressing journal from before a little further away.

I don't buy into the concept of karma because it makes it seem as if consequences are somehow out of our control. That and karma is blind and doesn't take into consideration extenuating circumstances or different causal effects. But ironically it is almost as if karma threw me a whole boneyard of things. By a whole boneyard I mean a whole mess of friends, the Awesome Squad. We have regular nightly voice chatting sessions, video games and discussion aplenty, video watching as well! And, given a bit of time to get my head sufficiently screwed back on, someone whom I might very well call "sugar buns" in all of it's cliche'd glory. That might be a while away however as ghosts of the past are still looming over my head and I am uncertain whether I can maintain a relationship. Whether my failures in past ones have and will always be mine or if they were shared betwixt me and my exes, I cannot say. I like to believe it wasn't always a 100% my fault, but I suck at communication through text so more voice chatting in the future is my choice!

The romanticism of all of this astounds me, I had thought stuff like this only happened in movies. That at your lowest point in life, such as with my past two journals, that a proverbial savior swoops in to salvage what remains of you, to help you rebuild and through yet another stroke of luck find relatively gainful employment due to another world savvy friend! And a sizable savings account has already followed. Whatever the future may bring I am happy with how the situation is currently and try my best not to look towards the past with a scornful eye. Rather a learned eye, there have been a lot of painful memories but given the person I am turning into I think those experiences were positive. At least in how they've helped me grow, and growth is always painful, wisdom is always bitter, but both experiences need to be for you to learn.

Well that was my philosophical/emotional heart-outpouring for you! Peace out you all! Stay safe and remain awesome peeps! Come hell or high water I'll either manage to atone for myself or just move on with my life, we will see which one comes first! ^^; Take care, all of you. Peace out!

For those of you interested, my journal on DA explains my current situation quite sufficiently. I fucked up, that's the gist of it. I'll put what I wrote there here so you can get a feel for how low I am right now...

I am writing this journal mostly as an epitaph on a very poor series of judgement calls on my behalf. Recently, an altercation with my ex (and no names will not be mentioned... I have enough brainpower at last not to do something so inherently stupid) resulted in him cutting ties with me for good. Worst of all he had every right to. See he and I were involved in a three-way relationship with another one of my friends that for the longest time I wasn't aware of until said friend told me a substantial amount of time later. Whether it was due to ambiguity on my ex's behalf or me thinking it was a role play oriented setup, I cant say for sure but when I found out I was both terrified, angry and confused, who wouldn't be?

Later that year we broke up but tried to keep things on friendlier notes. Despite a few happy times I consistently felt like I was making no progress repairing the friendship, either because I was too impatient or failed to see any progress that was made? Who can say. Then after an extended computer malfunction my friend returned and after feeling once again left out I chose the wrong action. Instead of just logging out or clearing my mind I took out my pent up frustration with being unnecessary on my ex and I guess vestigially on my friend. That resulted in our communications ceasing and my friend not wanting to talk to me. I can understand not wanting to get into that kind of emotional can of worms but I still would have liked a chance to explain my side of things even if my side of things wasn't particularly worth explaining.

And now, just recently. After a long night of depression I latched onto a journal and got to talking with it's author. Where I splurged private information that I have since then removed. It's entirely pointless to say I am sorry by this point, apologies lost their meaning a long time ago but I hope whoever reads this at least tries to see that I was not intending for him to find it or for to be taken as a personal insult. I was just venting pent up feelings that I needed to get out to be examined by a more rational person. Everybody needs to vent from time to time but I ought to have taken it to a note-based exchange right at that very second. Now my friend has removed me from Steam and even if I did resend a friend request I have a feeling it wont get picked up.

That's my emotional story for my first journal here on DA. A series of poor choices that led to a series of even more poor choices. We do stupid things when we are angry, depressed or hurting in some way and even if I wish I could take it back, well I can only take back my part and my words, and if people choose to forgive me then that is their power and not mine. Wherever you two, if you happen to read this, go. I wish you the best of luck even if we never speak again. I'll move on, no matter how slowly. Again, I am sorry for my poor lack of judgement, this was the first and last time I do something so mindbogglingly stupid.

Sincerely, to the internet and to whoever might read this,
a stupid, emotional, hurting feline with entirely too much baggage at this point,
T.

Ever get the sense that you are unwanted, that you don't really belong, then it all turns out to be your mind playing games on you because of past experiences? You see things that aren't there, you feel ignored when really, people didn't notice your message popping up. Today (yesterday morning, actually) my ex finally broke off all contact with me. We had previously broken up several months ago, last year in fact. And had been making a go of some sort of friendship but mutual edgy behavior, tip-toeing and the total and complete lack of willingness to discuss his or my feelings eventually led to things just, taking their natural course I suppose. I am not proud of being a paranoid and quite frankly messed up individual but I have no one to blame for my behavior except myself. Perhaps this will be the catalyst that causes me to see real change in my life, I cannot be sure and I will not state anything to that fact.

Why am I writing this? Bleeding out my feelings to the internet? Because it's better than keeping this locked up inside me, the paranoia has to end, one way or the other, I'll find a way to end it. I'm sure some of you out there have decisions they'd rather reload a save state on, time-travel or perhaps just steer clear of them retrospectively all together, I have had few such moments in my life, and now I count this among the most depressing ones.

That is all internet, Taine Abis Bastin, signing off.