Today marks the day I've made one more circuit of the sun. This marks number 28. here's to wishing you all a happy day. I've not been uploading or very active here, hoping to change that a bit as I've got quite the backlog. All the same take care.

Another year has gone by, and for the first time in 4 years I found myself unemployed on the date of by birth. (8 if you count higher education)

I'm not really sure what to say. I know my mental states have been kinda all over the place at times, but I'd like to thank any reading this. Even if we never interacted even silent unknowable observation can be a form of validation, so thank you.

I've got a fair bit of art I've been sitting on, but haven't had the will to upload it for some reason or another... I'm planning on forcing the action, so this might be a first step of that and hopefully come the 8th of June next year I'll have a job I can call a career, or at least be happier than I was.

Just remember any day could be anyone's last day, it often only takes a little to pull someone back from the brink. That potential alone can be enough to keep some going....

I'm getting a bit ramblely here so I'll leave it at that and once more thank you, all of you.

Hay so if you're reading this, it may be important to know I will not be avalible on any media from the 8th of February to the 15th of February.
It shouldn't be anything to worry about, however since I have commissions under way I thought it best to leave notice.
Take care and be safe~

Home again safe and sound

So today 8th of June is the anniversary of my birth, here's to hoping it's a lovely day for you too~

I'm gonna be unavailable for a couple of days (my mom's getting married). So just in case anyone is looking for me that's where I'll be. So don't worry I'm not dead and I don't plan on it anytime soon.

*mostly back now it seems*

So I'm writing this because I kinda need to vent about it, but at the same time just writing it in a privet journal just doesn't fee; right for whatever reason.

Now on to the meat of this: it has became apparent after a number of honest and open (and more than a little emotional) conversations/interactions, that my lover of nearly 5 years, no longer loves me. At least not in the same way that they used to. I still love them and it seems they still love me, but more than me they love someone else. A character, one that I created and whom exists through me and me alone. My lover, loves this character more than me. Not only that, but they, in part because of some of my own mistakes, would rather not speak to or see me at times. During those same times they still want to interact with and have a relationship with the character.

This is a strange and hurtful situation, however, perhaps because I'm weak, perhaps because of my love for them, perhaps even in part because of my character's love for them, I have decided to give in. To at their discretion, no longer be me. To become and be this character for them as I have in the past.

Now you might be thinking "well if it's as easy as putting on a mask or a costume change, like a fursuit or something..." and I wouldn't blame you or your mind for going there, but it's not that easy. There was never any costume or prop to it, just a change in tone and demure, some slight changes in lexicon, and a different name, and I was no longer me, it was this other, this character I invented, of my own volition no less.

Of course it didn't start out as much, just a little role play, maybe a couple of minutes at a time. but over the years it's become more and more. This character is now more interesting, compelling, loving, even sexy than I am in my lover's eyes. And all this and more...

Now I'm somewhat at a loss, I love them, my character loves them, and for now, I know I'm in no danger of losing myself to this character, but... I just don't know anymore... As I've said I love them, and I honestly truly want them to be happy, even more than I want myself to be happy. And I know that's unhealthy, but in the same breath I've seen and know how much this character means to them and how much happier they are with the character sometimes. So for now I've just sorta given in, slowly it seem becoming the one who is the character in their eyes...

I'm worried, and hurt, and they know, and they're sorry too, but we still love each other, just they love the character more and differently than me. I'm not sure why I feel I need to share this, maybe as a cautionary tale, maybe just so someone else on the outside knows, maybe something else... In the end I'm still me, they're who they are and the character is my character. As I think on it maybe it's because I know the character is/will be happy with this arrangement, that their wants are not my own...

Oh well, for now I'll call this a night, and as always any questions or comments and I'll try to respond.

_______
as an update:
after a lengthy "conversation" and a lot of "thinking on it" my lover has decided they want to "have all of my [their] memories of you [me] erased." This boils down to them mostly just acting as though they never knew me, not acknowledging me or interacting with me in any way.
At the same time they want to continue their relationship with the character...
I honestly don't know how to deal with this, the worst part is I think I'm going to give in and just live that way at least for a while... I know logically I shouldn't... gods help me, what am I doing with my life...

I' not sure what's going to come next or how this is going to effect me, I just needed to put this update here.

Since I've asked a few questions I thought it only fair to put on up myself; so as the title says: ask me anything. I'll try my best to answer.

Zakerst the OC [I've got a Ref now! just look to the left, further notes are here and see below for an even bigger collection of notes]{note all references to gem stones are to indicate color only}
Naga -> see "yuan ti abomination" for general body shape
*endomorph, powerful physically though unintimidating musculature
*typical snake like tongue, long and black with a metal tongue stud about 2.5"[6.35 cm] from the split (total tongue length about 2'[60.96 cm] )jet black in color with silvered tips (fades to black and is Jet at the end of the fork. each fork is roughly 2"[5.8 cm] long
* Hair? (seasonal grows fast and long comes in shades of polished copper with 1:8 being deep red, 1:16 blonde, 1:32 raven, the rest polished copper) wavy composition.
* two arms (right hand dominant, however trained ambidexterity)
* 3 fingers and 1 thumb to each hand
* obsidian claws, very very sharp (see obsidian scalpel), retractable like a cat's
* hemi-penis (2) each with a knot at the base, aligned vertically, each approx 10"[25.4 cm] in length and 2"[5.8 cm] in diameter. Knots when engorged (i.e. just before ejaculation and for up to an hour after)swell to approx 5"[12.7 cm]. when not engorged only 2.75"[6.985 cm] thick. When not aroused are carried internally in genital slit.
* diamond shaped scales, think harlequin diamonds
* total length (nose to tip of tail) ~32' [975.36 cm]
- normal height 5-7'[152.4-213.36 cm] to match eye level of others
- up to 10'[304.8 cm] when threatened/excited
- up to 15'[457.2 cm] when coiled in a tight coil
* viper eyes that relax into "normal/human shaped" pupils sapphire colored irises and ruby pupils
* 2 sets of teeth one more snake like (sharp and hooked) the other (inner) more human like, good for chewing and tearing
* two fangs in upper jaw. 3 barbs on each fang near tip (think fish hook barbs), grow back if damaged or removed. fold into jaw line when not in use, concealed in fleshy sheath (see normal vipers)
* able to induce genital/sex changes, however process takes time and energy, approx 1 week going from male to herm, another from herm to female
- in herm form one "penis" is actually an ovipositor
* heat pits enable (see "pit vipers") "seeing" the infrared spectrum located on sides of the face along the snout line. think thermal vision, though not very sensitive at range within about 10 yards [9.144 M] highly accurate and good for fallowing footprints and the like.
* genitals concealed in genital slit near where the pelvis would be/is
* midnight blue scales, with emerald accent. Ivory underbelly. diamond back scale pattern, silver symbol on back of neck (only clearly visible when hood is open)
* neck depresses when offended or threatened i.e. cobra hood
* inside of maw is normal fleshy pink.
* genitals are also fleshy pink (not really settled on a color yet...maybe red)
* 14"[35.56 cm] long neck before skull
* only ever wears robes of one kind or another and/or backpacks and on rare occasions: straw hats, cowboy hats, or top hats. in private is also known to wear a dress or skirt, though never in public.

Edited on suggestion as I committed a cardinal sin of writing and forgot who this was supposed to be for (artists) and so have cut everything not pertaining to physically visible traits. I apologize for any over sharing >///<'

to see the previous information and like additional updates please go to: https://www.f-list.net/c/zakerst/