I've been drawing quite a bit, though on actual paper sadly so no postage till I get real intagerwebvs. Oekaki has been failing hardcore on me much to my dismay.

I know it might because of the current journal fucking FA is doing but please don't delete journal stuff. I mean I'm willing to leave up totally embarrassing stuff from when I was losing my mind. You all should be able to accept that nobody is perfect. I may tease you, but that only shows my love. :D

In any case, I had a bit of a weird day. I think my supervisor may have been flirting with me a bit. I took it stoically as always (social reflex I'm afraid), but I think I may need some advice on how to carefully pursue it further. He is kind of cute. Things he was truthful about (ie. no hesitation in speech pattern, which is by no means a positive):

-Referred to me as "studmuffin"
-Does not care about sticky keys due to pornography (could be a good sign or simply a social disorder).
-Joked about spanking a naughty laptop.

He had a little hesitation to referring to an old girlfriend when it came up, but has told of moving for another girl without hesitation with another employee. However he has no showing of wearing a band(ie wedding ring lightening) and yes he is from BC so that might not mean shit. He also has a friend that works there who is British, but really gives the gaydar a vibe. Sometimes its hard to tell with them I admit.

My social conscience begs my treading lightly, at least till my 90 days are up and they can't fire me for no reason. *laughs*

I may just be reading too much into it. If nobody has any good advice I'll spring something horrible on him which could be interpreted in the vaguest way imaginable.

I finally hijacked a wireless router in my area. Funnily enough my body makes for a good aerial, as the only router I could break in to requires my laptop to be placed squarely on my chest while I'm slumped down in a chair. Makes typing weird. :P

Only got one bar with a crappy connection, so happy new year everyone.

Which I am way too lazy to spell correctly, and describes how well my life has been going.

I'm back living in Okotoks, and unfortunately ditched my car. I was trying to do it under the radar and the car had no insurance. They were nice and all the tickets come to a little less than a grand all together.

Then I won a nice bit of cash the next day on a scratch ticket of all things. I'm not going to say how much it is, but after securing a job out here I was able to pick up my parents old house for cheap in this market. I can move in sometime after the 15th of January.

So, things are going pretty good. My mom wants to move in with me, and I'm pretty hesitant, but she helped me out a lot in the past. So I'll cave. So no orgy parties for me I guess. *laughs* Not that I'd ever do anything like that.

Good news for you furries. I've been going to an extreme bout of insomnia, so lots of art is flowing out of me. I used to think art was a good way for me to deal with stress, but it seems it only stifles it. The insomnia is unrelated, but a good reason for extra free time. However I have no computer here so any postings will have to wait till after the move and get the interwebs up.

I'll do my best to get all the paper art I've done scanned in before that time so unload it on my account here.


Love,
Zane

I feel in some way I should give apologies for my last journal. Plus I'm kind of disappointed there was no PM's *laugh* I suppose it is a hard thing to take seriously. I don't even think its all that. I just have a big portion of my mind that really wants something like that for me. Time to join a cult? Naw, my only god is the center of all my devotion.

In any case I'm sort of sitting half mooved out. My roomie is afk and my cell is empty. Not much else to say.

Its been a real tough weekend. Separation anxiety, neurotisism on a new level and of course I've been horny as hell whenever I'm not feeling like torturing myself. Which is in itself a torture when your a sex addict without anyone your willing to snug.

I greatly considered a life as a sex slave. Sadly my youth is running away from me, I got a flat tire, and my cock is decidedly average. I do however possess a skilled tongue and almost unheard of stamina. Not to mention I have no problem taking the 'big' boys, but I'm not a shallow size queen honey. The delicious idea of living off of love and my lovers seminal fluids fills me with a perverse delight. A boy once promised me this. I denied his love out of a tightly bridled loyalty to one man. Wolfebyte, my man. However he has passed beyond the veil without me.

Anyone interested in this world weary monk? I'll love you forever if you can take care of me.

If it could only be that easy. I understand how lucky I am just to have graced that man. How I understand that I am short some things that make one a man. I can accept that. It just means I need a strong man behind me, preferably naked and having the time of his life. :P

Though seriously. I'll start drawing you a million times over. Consider it a courtship, for what little you may give me. Whoever you are out there. I will give you everything I am if you make yourself known. I cant do this next bit alone.

I've wrote this journal out three times. My browser keeps crashing.

So long story short, I was told this morning at 6am (after driving around their son out drinking. I just going to bed too) that 5 months is enough and I need to get the fuck out. Then my best friend springs on me that he's going to move into his girlfriends at the end of the month too. So no just moving my shit out and living here out of a backpack. Him also adapting the too bad for you mentality.

I was hoping to get my promotion before the shit hit the fan, but now I'm right in the middle of it.

So I'm fucked. I haven't been able to save any money because bad expensive shit kept happening.

Its starting to look like my best option is to cut and run. I guess I could try the commute again, but honestly I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to keep my car at this point. I could handle the commute before as I had help.

I guess I'm not really thinking clearly. I've been packing up my shit. My sister is going to be able to hold onto it at least. Though I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Live in my car to save up some money I guess. Till I have to give up that too.

Fuck I'll try and get a bit of sleep. Hopefully things will be clearer.

This story's missing a wishing well
No mirror to show and tell
No kiss that can break the spell
I'm falling asleep

Every Prince is a fantasy
The witch is inside of me
Her poison will wash away the memory

We kill the lights
And put on a show
It's all a lie
But you'd never know
The star will shine
And then it will fall
And you will forget it all

And after midnight
We're all the same
No glass shoe to bring us fame
Nobody to take the blame
We're falling apart

Every story's a waiting game
A flower for every name
Their colors are filling you
With falling rain

We kill the lights
And put on a show
It's all a lie
But you'd never know
The star will shine
And then it will fall
And you will forget it all

Now you know it's so much better to pretend
There's something waiting for you here
Every letter that you wrote
Has found its way to me my dear
You can make believe that what you say
Is what I want to hear

I'll keep dancing through this beautiful,
delusional career.
Faking every tear
Looking like a compromise suicide
Keeping all my dreams alive

We kill the lights
And put on a show
It's all a lie
But you'd never know
The star will shine
And then it will fall
And you will forget it all

The song is something I've lived on
pity it makes sad for memories gone.
I miss those I've touched
And those who longed for love
I'm falling apart.

This stories a big mistake
My heat is the one you break
Your happiness gave me
a reason to live.

We kill the lights
And put on a show
It's all a lie
But you'd never know
The star will shine
And then it will fall
And you will forget it all


I suppose the birthday massacre should be off limits before I can handle the challenge that is losing my soul mate. I know its wrong, but I'd end my life if I could be guaranteed I could be with him.

Certainty protects my friends from my selfishness. Thats the cruel truth. Hopefully my outlook gets better with age. He was my most important thing, and he gave me my greatest fear. Being alone.

Sort of went off the deep end today. I'm distributed between the line of missing versus loss. I generally feel like less of a person when I'm exhibiting such non-altruistic ideas.

Is it selfish to want Gary back so badly?

He was everything I ever wanted. Cool headed, smart, a total horndog. A not annoying yin to my yang. Honestly I'm a spaz, stupid, and a total hondog (We had that in common). I'm worried that I had too many selfish reasons for wanting him back so badly. Like a whining child. I know he would have told me I'm dumb for worrying about such things and I would have loved him for it.

I'm seeing what a folly it is to depend on others for your happiness. Fuck I'd be someones sex slave if they promised to love me and not to die before me. If such a promise would hold weight in the real cruel world. What kind of desperation does that show?

I'll drown my sorrows in the great god of alcohol. I know, its a crutch that doesn't solve anything. However the only thing I really need is to stop missing him with all my heart. Hopefully my missing him terribly is over before his birthday on May 17. Not that he liked his birthday any more than I did, but I'm going to celebrate it for the rest of my life. I was blessed to have him in my life and it was a sheer miracle that should be celebrated.

One day I'm sure I'll feel whole again.

Selfishly his.
Zane

-Like it baby.

However Saturday night seems to be the worst night for reconnecting with the furry community. My msn contact list is almost empty, but I feel as though I'm weirding out those who are on. Fun, but ultimately pointless.

I finally found my tablet, so I'm going a bit of art tonight. Unfortunately it's on my friends computer and I have to finish it in the next few days or I'll have to wait until next weekend.

This Journal is a bit pointless. I just feel like chatting... Honestly its kind of painful. I guess I'll see who's awake on my cellphone.

The weekend was fun. I again learned that I need a co-pilot better than Jesus. He just so so much quieter than he used to be. I got all sorts of unsure and unsureness lead to dumbness, and that to getting stuck without fuel. Gladly DreamTiger came out and gave me gas. I owe him bigtime arts.

My buddies dad is bottling up some sort of crazy rage about my being here. He was giving me the shit, I provide for my family line when he was talking about cheese use. You don't use that line when your talking about something that can be bought for less than a pack of smokes. I replaced it and then some. Sadly my effort to preserve the peace is going to be taken totally as weakness and admitance of guilt for something I was not guilty of. All in all the crazy fly off the handle attitude is something I try really hard to avoid. Sadly every persons parents of people I've stayed with do it sooner or later and it just breaks my heart. I must have something about my personality that intrinsically annoys people.

So, I guess I'll start looking for a way to move sooner than later. I had a lot of fun up north in the Edmonton, but I need to save up a bit for the move. I feel uncomfortable moving with no job prospects and little money. Though I've wanted to move up to Edmonton for some time, now I have little keeping me in Strathmore...

For the first time in quite some time I'm feeling kinda happy. My hopes are a bit pie in the sky though. I hope I'm up too it emotionally, but if not I'm going to do it anyway. I have no choice in the matter. ;)

Though it's only been like a month and a half and it feels like everyone is moving on already. I guess I can't say I blame them, but it lets me know that I was the closest too him. I'm not sure if that's comforting or something that makes me want to burst into tears. I guess I'm getting used to the crying fits, so either way...

To help me deal with myself here's an exert of Gary's free writing. He often did this when he was trying to break his art block. As far as I know this was his last. I did my best to translate it, but as those who knew Gary his handwriting was atrocious. So I just did my best. Skip it if your depressed. I'm not posting this to make anyone else cry.


So we try this again. I suppose if it worked when I had died the first time it should help at least somewhat now. I'm sure my had will cramp again long before three pages, but what the hell eh? My My writing is so illegible I might as well be making pictogram s as sort of visual cues to spark the memory of the thought I'm trying to let out. Might take longer though and this is going to take long enough as it is. Surprisingly three pages will not take as long as I feared they would. Not that is should matter as the time I'm using for this is pretty much a waste anyway.

I suppose this is the part of my attempts to make these lonely days more useful. If I can bring myself to write of draw again it might give hope of leading to something better. If something better is even possible. I suppose hope is the key. If I can hope then I can at least have that tenatious grasp of life that so many others take for granted. I guess that is a comfort. Honestly I'm uncertain how I feel about that sort of hope a creative outlet offers. Part of me finds is an easy thing to place hope in, while the other better part knows its just more lies and bullshit anyway.

I'm all but absolutely certain that I will never amount to anything more than I currently am: A failure. Just like everyone else. At the very least this experience should serve to unburden my mind, even if it leads to nothing more. If it does eventually lead to creative output than at the least such expression would serve to entertain and enliven my own mind even if it leads to no other profit to the wise.

I do, or at least I did, enjoy creating things be it story or art. Doing so again- and finding pleasure if not purpose is it- would be a reaward of its own. Hedenism is not lost on me these days, To the contrary, such attitudes have a certian appeal to me now that they didin't have a short while ago. Simly reveling is my own pleasures when tempered with concern for others does offer a certian semblance of purpose that I somehow missed before. Drugs really can alter ones reality or their perception of reality at least. In the end thats is pretty much the same thing.

These are really mere pens. I like them. I worry that this exercise ends too soon, without a glimpse of some of those things that have been on my mind. Stories to spell really, about reality and dreams and all that stuff that comes up over and over again.


I'm not even sure if I should be posting this, but I'll post more tomorrow if I decide I should.

I miss having someone to share my jaded sense of humor with.
I miss having someone to hug.
I miss being able to be with someone all the time.
I miss someone that tells me about their problems.
I miss being able to have intelligent conversations.
I miss the time I thought we had.
I miss someone to cuddle at night.
I miss someone that makes fun of me when I'm being too sappy.
I miss someone who held my hand when nobody was looking.
I miss someone who hated crying in front of me.
I miss someone who has my back against the whole world.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my keeper.
I miss my love.

And most of all I miss his love.

Been really busy with the move, then doing things that wont be mentioned except in certain circles to protect the "innocent".

Sadly for the time being my computer has become the thing folks use to entertain themselves, I really cant wait to get it out of the living room so I can start producing again. I just can not draw anything with anyone watching. Feels like I'm putting on a show, too much pressure for my creative instinct.

The only other option is to draw on this slow ass thing. It's good for what it does but my tablet is bigger than it and processing power really suffers. Even oekaki has a break between when I make the line and when it shows up. Powerful and small my ass.

I'm going to try and post some unfinished stuff later, I feel like I'm totally neglecting the community.

I'm now the proud renter of a house in NE Calgary with Derek, my bf and a 17 year old girl. This could get interesting. *dirty mind noizes*

Haha, but really, she's a cool chick and she co-owned a trailer with another good friend of mine before they broke up. So It'll be good. I also fixed my car. I'm like two for two right now. All I need is to get a good job and I'm set for a bit.

Oh, and those intersted in art journalage, it's been stressful for me, so any art I've made lately has been violent... not really something I want posted with my pornography. Work will continue on the porn when I get back to a stress free state. Oh, and I have like five different versions of the big orgy thing. Yeah, I don't know what is wrong with me, there's just so much stuff involved, leads to perspective issues and such. Or me just failing to cough up anything like my mind imagines. Hmm, well, anyway I'll stop procrastinating soon.

Dramaramamamamamalingdong

More shit hitting the fan here. I'm expected to move out in ten days. Nine now anyway. So anyone that has accomadations within Calgary is welcome to senf me a message if they're up for some wacky guys that love intellegent conversation. Bah, at worst I'll stay wish my sister for a bit. Ar best I'll be a proud renter of a nice place. It's time to move on with life a bit. However I prefer when it's my choice.

Anyway, the juicy bits as follows. The straylight, my former business, is now owned by my roomies parents (though some fine backstabbing on their part). They get a free business(were paying for the loan, so we don't even get the ten cents on the dollar our loan promised us for all the computers) and they've been bad mouthing us all over town as if the imaginary mud they sling will blind everyone to their snouts and curly tails. Their server crashed(and they are too dumb to figure out how a raid 5 array works of all things). They wanted me to fix it, but I presented the condition of them not sullying my name anymore(because really who wants to work for a shithead who's going to tell your friends families that your a total asshole after you fix their shit? Really.). They fucking lost it. Holy shit, what a fucking spectacle.

Yeah, I'm flabbergasted with the whole situation. It has to be the drugs that these people are on. These are people you best avoid, traveler.

Well I'm back in lovely Strathmore. Unfortunatly much poorer than before. There is lots of stuff that I need to reply too, but I'll wait till next evening.

The venu was good, but I was kind of let down in the headliner, Seabound, De-vision was great though. Half the reason I went was to get away for a bit. The trip was both good and bad. It gave my roomie and me a chance to unwind, which is good for me for reasons I'll keep to myself. :D My only regret was sharing a hotel room with the straight guy who is still a bit uncomfortable about my proclivities. I was polite and abstained, but he was teased in return.

Work on the freelove project will continue. Yay. :D I've been art starved.

I had fun last night. We went out to some club and they played pretty good music, but I really spent most of the time having a deep conversion with my significant other. So, we had a useful but loud conversion. Was fun. Did a little dancing, but nobody seemed to be sober enough to watch our stuff so I mostly kept a close eye on it.

Been a few days here. Second day, my buddy went off with some bum to buy drugs and got robbed at gunpoint. If I were there I'm sure I would have better acted as a moral compass. Going off with random bums is a bad idea. I thought it was better known.

The next day I walked all the way down to queen street from the hotel. Most likely the most walking I've done in years. Then proceeded to walk the wrong way. My intent was to go over to much music and lick the window for them, but sadly it'll be another day.

Fourth day was quite a bit more walking with the two other people in our party. It was too cold for sightseeing. Yet it did not stop two of us from getting stupid pictures. Later we met up with Josh... and I kind of feel bad I don't know his fa alias and his (seemingly)significant other. I never really asked. Fun times, I doodled the crap out of our table. I love crayons.

Today was a lazy day. We're going out to a club in a bit. More later.

This is done on a tiny little keyboard. So forgive its shortness. The flight was pretty good, and pretty short. After safe landing and a long drive downtown I received sudden stomach cramps and proceeded to spend the next two hours on the can. Missed a great time at a strip club apparently, but I'm kind of attached anyway so its all good.

Apparently I'm at a hotel that is looking like a pretty good contender for Toronto's red light district. Awesome, but yeah no walking around by myself at night.

Now I'm going to get four or five hours and go gallery hopping.

I'm here just up after my five hour nap after watching some old ninja movies and delightful conversation at a small get together last night. I had to mildly induced coma, and now I'm trying to get shit together, but I thought I'd take a little break while I have to urinate as I'm waiting for an occupied bathroom. I'll check my spelling after I relieve the pressure. So for those who I'm haven't had a chance to talk too...

I guess the biggest thing right now is that my roomies mom is being crazy pants. I'd get into is but man, crazy pants sums it up. So I do have some mild paranoia about my stuff while I go away on this trip, but then I remember that most of the stuff on my PC is throwaway at this point anyway and the only other things I own of value are a car that is a paperweight, a computer, and some cloathing. I'm taking most of my good cloathing with me so I have like nothing that I'd be too sad over losing. So no worries I guess.

Aside from that I've been going to parties nonstop. I literally have 5 friends now with birthdays within ten days of christmas, add the other two holidays(and nobody can just have one big christmas party) to that and you have a whole lot of parties. I only did something stupid at one. I'm never ever again having any pot if I plan to be social, I'm ok 90% of the time, but man I was a total space cadet at this guys newyears party. Little imbarressing, but there was another two guys doing it too so we just kept to ourselves.

On the art front I've been working hard on the freelove(and some other side projects because my brain needed to draw them), everyone invloved so far is now officially sketched in and I have the background all up and sketched. I wish I'd worked more on it but, the crazy pants lady managed to put me in a mood almost everyday I had time. Stress and good art are not brothers in arms for me. I was really pushing for a finish before this trip, but hey whats another ten days? I need to impose imaginary deadlines on myself or I'd never get anything done. One sec.

*runs away*

*gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!*

So now after some relief I'm going to relieve myself of something else a few times as I really hate masturbating on planes. I am mildly dissapointed nobody I know around Toronto save one person wants to hang out with me, but hey I did write that expose journal so what did I expect? Haha! I'll be meeting lots of people, but few furries.

Wish me safe travels. I'll update again when I get there.

I will be in Toronto for the week of January 5th to 14th to see Seabound live. Yeah, I totally forgot to put it up here, but anybody who wants to hang out and stuff let me know.

Swiped from  kagura_nitrogat

1: Your Favorite Animal?

2: Your Favorite Color?

3: What's your hair color and if not natural what is your natural?

4: Buried or Cremated?

5: Think of a body of water, what is it?

6: Do you Prefer Cash or Credit?

7: Can you Drive?

8: Tell me something about you, something you want to share.

9: What pets do you have if you have any?

10: Will you add this to a journal and let me know so i can fill it out for ya?

This journal is a call out to those that would like to be drawn into an anything goes orgy. Quite basically I'm going to be drawing everyone in and posting each step of the way.

Just need three things. A reply to this journal, you to have some sort of reference and your sexual orientation if its not painfully obvious from your profile/gallery. Then I draw you in porn. Sound fun? Does to me. :D

I just did 2 years of business taxes in 5 hours. Sure, I still have to plug values into simply accounting, which is at best tedious and anal, though I'm basking in my current completion for a few hours. Too bad I'm stuck at work and I cant even masturbate feverishly in celebration.