Good news! I'm finally able to work again for a short time after battling depression and demotivation.

I think I'm done with the furry community for now. I'm not really happy here, and I don't feel welcome as an asexual person, who people still think is a minor because I'm kinda child-coded.

As for my art, I'm struggling to push myself to keep going. I just kinda wanna give up for now. I'm not really interested in content creating anymore because it never goes anywhere and I'm getting bored of it. I'm not saying that I give up; I'm saying that I'll probably not do as much anymore. You'll still see works from me, I promise.

I'm also very ignored in every community I'm in, and like I said, people make excuses to not want to do with me anymore, I'm that bad. I'll probably slowly disappear, but not all the way.

I kind of let myself go and stopped drawing... or doing anything at all. I promise I'll post more, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I'm losing weight, motivation, and friends. All of my friends either forget about me, hate me, or turn into horrible people.

My depression and anxiety make it hard for me to talk to people and make friends, y'know? I began to take some drugs like ecstasy to make myself less pessimistic. I tried to be happy and excited around people, but I'm still annoying, and now I'm kicked out of friend groups.

What does this have to do with me being inactive? Well, as I'm not much of a talker anymore either, even when I push myself to be, I'm also not much of an artist as I don't really interact with people, nor myself. I kinda just left it all behind.

I've also been distancing myself from everyone too, but I'm also complaining about how lonely I am, which is stupid. I also still feel like people only like me and care about me because I'm an "adult." I still have this mindset, and I'm very uncomfortable with those people.

I'm trying to change these mindsets, is all I'm saying...

I'm scared of FA going downhill again, so here's everything:

Main: https://bsky.app/profile/zayderg.bsky.social
Fetish Alt: https://bsky.app/profile/zaydiabetes.bsky.social
Discord (planning to change username): theydenm
Telegram: https://t.me/zayderg2005

Gonna put my age in my bio as a step to accept myself. I'll also try to dip my toes in 18+ communities to see how I like them. I'm kind of scared of what'll happen.
But please don't approach (befriend or contact) me just because I'm over 18; I'm not used to being an "adult" yet. Minor-unfriendly people will be blocked for many reasons.

Why is it everyone's birthday this week??? It's hard to keep track...! I don't know if I should make gifts for everyone or not. It's been a month since @Feuroxka's, and I'm trying to get it done.
I'm scrambling trying to do something, though I'm unmotivated, and I feel like I'm being stalked by people who hate me.

I'm opening art trades as practice to improve my art, add to my gallery, and get more ideas. Comment if you are interested; comments will be locked in 24 hours.

Conditions:
1. I'm only going to accept one to three people. First come, first served. I'll accept those who I find interesting. If you don't get picked, you'll still have a chance if I'm in the mood to trade again (I'll come back to this journal from time to time).
2. I will only accept people who have never traded with me before.
3. I'm going to release my parts in the third quarter of November (next week or the week after that).

I can hear everyone yelling at me, throwing things at me to see what sticks. I think it's time for a change. Everything I just said, down the drain, out the window, into the garbage can, etc.

This is what I realized.

I am almost a grown-ass man who is going to college; I don't need to be acting like this. No wonder why I feel like I'm not loved.

If I want to stop being jealous and have low self-esteem, I am going to have to hold on tighter. If I want to be like my friends, I'm going to have to act like them: no more easily giving up on my platform, no more complaining about my work, no more slacking off, etc. This may be torture to me, but soon it won't be. No more complaining in random journals, no more letting go, and so on.

If I want to stop struggling, I need to change what works best for me. There may be some sacrifices, such as my art not receiving enough favorites, my account not being as large as I would like, people leaving me, and so on, but I need to stop worrying about those things and stupid numbers and just go with it. One day, I'll make it. One day.

The thing is... I just wish I knew where to start. But it's time for a change.

Yes, I hear you all.

After all the feedback on my journal, I might have to rewrite this to make it sound like I'm not attention-seeking. I'm genuinely upset with myself because people are beating me at my own game, and I'm just being left in the dust. This makes me very insecure about my art, as I started out two months ago, while people can start out later than me and get bigger than me (I can name ten of these people), causing me to feel like I'm not good enough. I know that not everyone will like the same things, but I feel like everyone likes all my friends' art and ignores mine. I want my idols to at least comment on my work, but that doesn't happen. What do my friends do to make them do that? I'm insecure.

I hate having troubles with myself, and my special needs always get in the way, so I doubt myself constantly, causing myself to make these journals. I still feel like moving accounts, to be honest, having a fresh start to see how many Watchers I truly deserve.

Sheesh, ZayOrangeDerg's downfall must be studied...

I have got to stop looking up to people because I feel like they don't like me or my art. Three people who I have looked up to have made excuses to unwatch me. I've seen them interact with my friends, but not me; I'm very much ignored by everyone, and it has 100% gotten to me to the point where I have no motivation. One told me that they unwatched me because I was a fetish account, which I understand, but I got pissed off when they were following other fetish accounts. So, I know that it's either me as a person or my work that people get drawn away from. wtf do my friends and peers like Trafficone or Felix-Rustyfox do that I can't? What about me scares people away? I feel like I'm cursed as a person, but the world will never know~

Also, the ghost comments and mass trolling are coming to my account too (thankfully they're not that bad as Cone's was), and as Cone said, they're likely disgusting insults. Yeah, I'm hated by pretty much a big chunk of FA users. I might have to delete this account and start anew with a new username and OC, but I don't wanna have to do that. Honestly, I don't think I was ever made to be an influencer or an artist. I might just have to be a commissioner instead if I want to stay in the communities I like.

New art on the 10th, by the way... I'm exhausted and just want to be lazy. I'm gonna also pause the October challenge to make room for other drawings. Though, the end might be approaching for me. I gotta keep my two chins up.

I didn't know that I'd be taking a break all this month. If I had, I probably wouldn't have done this challenge. Friends and family have taken my time away to do my work. I'm probably going to have to take the gallery to November. fucking hell i can't do anything right

Just uhhh be patient, I have a life, and I'm going as fast as I can... 10/16-Temperature will be out tomorrow, and something for Halloween will be out overmorrow...
And please don't pester me about your months overdue requests; I'll probably dedicate November to them and get them all over with. And I'll have a fresh, clean slate in 2025. Deal? Deal.

Where should I go if FA dies? It is my most successful platform; nobody seems to care about me elsewhere, and I have nowhere else to go. I would hate to have to start over after working so hard to reach 300 Watchers, though I understand that I can't just do art for fame...

Do I just quit my art career when that happens?

I'm happy with the new feature, because it now filters out accounts that I don't wanna see. Unfortunately, I do have to lie about my age and state it to be younger than I am. Hopefully something else gets added to that so I don't have to lie.

To people that see this: I beg of y'all to use this feature if you need it. Kids don't wanna see your goon art.

10/11+12 Snacks and Remote come out later this week, along with 10/16 Temperature. Sorry if these are very late, life keeps getting in the way. I hope you guys don't mind the extremely late drawings.

I do, however, have a question. I feel like waiting forever for something mid isn't worth it, there's people like Trafficone uploading better drawings more frequently than me, but yet you guys choose to stay with me. How come?

I am done accepting requests. I will no longer draw for anyone unless I want to; I am going to start denying people. Anyone who requests art from me for now on will be obliterated.

I am stressed out from the amount of work I have to do, and the days can not get any shorter. I don't give a fuck if it takes me months to complete your request; I am doing it for you FOR FREE; I can take however long I need to and do it whenever I want. This is my platform, my art, my rules. I want you to respect those rules!

Please check my Trello, though I don't expect you to, because furries are too dumb to read bios and respect boundaries.

Also, don't draw me something just to say, "Oh, this is actually a trade, so you have to draw me something back." That's not how it works; that's how you get someone to dislike you. Two different people tried to pull this off, by the way.

Edit: And for those who made a request before this journal came out, I'll complete them. I promise. Though, life gets in the way and I have ADHD, so I tend to slack off and get distracted, though that's my fault.

Apologies for the journal reupload. I just want everyone to know the new updated list! ^w^

10/1 - Something New (Fattytober)
10/4 - Vanish (Voretober)
10/8 - something for Fat Bear Week

10/7 (Passport) is canceled and big time jump due to hurricane Milton

10/11+12 - Snacks and Remote (Inktober)
10/16 - Temperature (Octransfur)

Small break for irl life + getting some comms done!

10/23 - Dragon (Weretober)
10/28 - Meal (OctoBEAR)
10/31 - How Huge I Am? (Fattytober)

I will take a small break in November too. You'll see something on 11/2 and 11/10 :3

Hurricane Milton is coming to get me. So if you don't see me for a while, if at all, then I just want to say a few things. I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough for you guys and for struggling a lot with everything. I feel like I hurt more people than I made friends with because of who I am and what issues I have. I regret being too lazy to improve my art and myself as a person. I regret slacking off and not getting anything done.

If you don't see me for a while or never see me again, you know why. Thank you everyone for everything.

I know I'm overreacting: there's a huge chance that I'll be okay and nothing will happen to me or my house, but I still want to write this.

I might have to cancel the October project. I just don't think I can do it... and I feel demotivated like every day.

Though, I'm still holding on. The 10/4 pic will come out tomorrow. I plan to have everything in the challenge uploaded the day after it gets drawn...

I'm going to draw today's prompt for Voretober: "vanish." I've been thinking of doing a magic theme and drawing a magic trick for it. Now, the question is... who wants to be my... volunteer~?

(wink wink, nudge nudge)

I'll just have this journal open for an hour or two, then I'll pick the person who I want to draw... doing my vanishing act~ ^w^ So first come ≠ first served in this case.

This is just here so I can keep a schedule. I'll only include prompts I like.

10/4 - Vanish (via Voretober)
10/7 - Passport (via Inktober)
10/16 - Temperature (via Octransfur)
10/19-21 - ?
10/24 - Honey (via OctoBEAR)
10/27-29 - ?
10/31 - ?

I didn't upload anything in two weeks, and I apologize. I had to take a two-week break because things on my end were mostly not great, and if they were, I spent time with either family or friends. I also lost almost all my motivation to even use Fur Affinity in the first place.

But I guess I'm back to continuing drawing. I still need to finish my trade part for  Snivy374 and finish my extremely overdue requests for  Feuroxka and  AxelTheJackal. After all that is finished, I guess I'll go back to drawing whatever I want. Also, I'm almost at 300 Watchers! So quitting my career isn't really worth it, because I have 300 people expecting me to draw.

Although I'm a bit late to the party (it has been 1⅓ years since I turned 18), I want to dip into the NSFW territory, but not too much to the point where strangers over 21 sexually talk to me, making me uncomfortable and possibly grooming me. I've been thinking of drawing stuff that's not SFW but just SFW enough that 16-year-old me would get away with or something.

I've been showing my horny hell to partners and close friends (the only people where I'm comfortable doing sexual things with) in private for years, but I was thinking to make it more mainstream. Though I somewhat worry that doing this will cost me half of my audience because they can't really see it. I also don't know if I should even do it, because 18+ accounts make me very uncomfortable considering the fact that I'm greyace (I am very pathetic).

Anyway, what do you guys think? And two or three drawings are coming your way this week, to make up for the fact that I didn't do any last week or two weeks before that. I am trying to draw more and reach a larger audience every chance I get, but life and college are getting in the way.

Should I do, like, TF stuff? Maybe pool toy stuff...? Would you guys like to see that...? I've been slightly into it for idk how long. Maybe drawing it will give me a new interest...

Also, due to my mental health, my upload schedule is sadly back to 2 weeks instead of 1.

Because my Brazilian mutuals are leaving, and Musk is an idiot, and in case FA dies again, I'm also going to be using this for art:
https://bsky.app/profile/zayderg.bsky.social

Feel free to follow, though I will not be very active. There are so many people I want to befriend...

I'm trying to step up my game when it comes to art and animation because I counted like a few dozen people who I'm older than who draw like gods...

Like, I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but my art at 16-18 was garbage. Here I am at 19, still garbage art.

Also, fuck it. Should I reveal my Twitter?