There's a feeling I tend to have, more frequently than I would like. It takes a trigger, something that initiates it, though I've yet to understand the true common denominator behind any given trigger.

It starts with a pounding in my chest. A heartbeat so deep and visceral it is almost impossible to ignore.
Then my fingers begin to shake, my breathing deepens, my thoughts cloud.
And the emotion it all leads to is something I can never seem to describe.
Anger and sadness. Betrayal and hopelessness. Taking turns or blending into one nightmare.
A terrible whirlpool of things that leads me down the worst descent.

I've learned to control the spirals, hang onto some part of myself.
But I have yet to learn to control the emotions, and I feel I never will.
Emotions, they're hard to truly control. You can manage how you act, but not how you feel.

I'm writing this now because I feel it again. That monstrous pounding within me. That welling rage that so desperately wants an outlet.
But I will not allow it. I cannot allow it.
Too many times has it controlled me.
But not tonight.

I want to be better.
I have to be better.
And I will be better.
One day at a time.

I’m a failure, aren’t I?
Every time something seems to be going right, I feel like I manage to ruin it.
Every time I let someone close, I do or say something stupid.
Every time I start to enjoy something, I manage to find a way to hate it.

Is it my fault? Truly mine?
Is it my head? Or is that just the pathetic excuse I use?
Will I ever understand it? Will I ever overcome it?
Whatever “it” is…

These thoughts creep in at night, while I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.
Just as they have tonight.
I know I shouldn’t listen to them, but they’re all I have to listen to.
And recently, they’ve started to sound more and more believable.

Rarely do I feel like I have things to look forward to anymore.
I’m not going anywhere, I’m just floating.
But I can’t seem to just… go…
I don’t know if I’m scared, confused, incompetent, stupid… or all of them.

I often want to be anywhere else. Anybody else. Anything else.
I want to be happy. I want answers. I want anything to hold onto.
I hate writing these, they feel like pathetic cries for attention.
“Look at me, look at how sad I am, boo hoo hoo.”
But it feels good to write them, to get it off my chest.
Like screaming into the void. I don’t care if the void listens, I don’t care if the void cares.
I don’t care if there’s a void at all.
I’m just so scared… and I don’t know what to do.

Google Docs detailing worlds, creatures, and characters much more in-depth

Still extremely early and WIP, please be patient!

Creatures

Felnac^{HF} - Six-legged mammalian hybrids with pure black fur.
Geodrakes^{HF} - Dragon subspecies bearing crystals across their body.
Hellhounds^{ET} - Large dog-like creatures with beaked faces.

Characters

Mika^{HF} - Female wyvern, last of her species. ^{Largely undeveloped, only major story keynotes}
Syre^{ET} - Male hellhound, tamed by protagonist. ^{Story beats missing, origin determined}
Orosan^{RW} - Male yellow lizard, separated from pack. ^{Story technically in-progress}
Hiro^{RW} - Male slugcat, an experienced traveler.
Ktzahev & Uzkharva^{CS} - Brother and sister Hayyoth, respectively. ^{No set story, unlikely to be necessary}
King^{HL} - Old male bullsquid, formerly a test subject at Black Mesa before the Resonance Cascade, now living free in a post-war America.
Oluko & Tai^{HL} - Male vortigaunt and female antlion, respectively.
Hassle - Male macrosurus. No accompanying story, just a rambunctious and somewhat mischievous creature.

---

Unfinished/Unpolished Creatures

Phobias^{HF} - Large creatures resembling pterosaurs that cause hallucinations and feed on subsequent fear. ^{General behavior concept done, physical appearance yet undetermined}
Heartwyrms^{HF} - Small lindwurms, typically no longer than 1.5 feet (~46cm) long, that create magical binds to another creature's heart, syncing rhythms into a single "mutual heartbeat." ^{Physical design pending}

Unfinished/Unpolished Characters

Unnamed Rey Dau^{MH} - Hunted and captured, now used as a Hunter's mount/companion. Tail severed and replaced with weaponized prosthetic. ^{Design pending. Potential names: Rodan.}
Hiro, the Wayfinder^{RW} - Male slugcat, a solitary traveler who moves between iterators frequently.
Aurora^{RW} - Undeveloped male slugcat
Unnamed Scavenger (The Scorned?)^{RW} - Unpolished female scavenger. Betrayed and banished by her tribe, now seeking to eradicate them by any means necessary.

---

Scrapped

Ante ^{{Horizon Zero Dawn}} - A Watcher who was not affected by the Derangement. By design as a reconnaissance machine, Ante was to be intensely curious. He may also have possessed some form of self-awareness. Ante's right leg was badly damaged at one point, later having a prosthetic built by a human who took him into care.
Ante was scrapped because his concept never quite took off, and his story never sat comfortably.
At some point it would be nice to revisit him or his concept.

---

Origin Labels

- Personal -
^{HF} - Unnamed High Fantasy Realm
^{ET} - Unnamed Eldritch Thriller
- Non-Personal -
^{RW} - Rain World
^{CS} - Caelum Sky ^{Comic Archive/Author's FA
{HL}} - Half-Life
^{MH} - Monster Hunter

To-do

- Further flesh out the Google Docs form. (Perhaps use Notion?)

---

This journal will be updated as things change.

Operation: Examination of emotional stability under prolonged exposure
Date: 03/19/2025
Operation start: 10:52 AM
Operation end: 2:48 PM
Variables: isolation, audio stimuli & removal

Subject entered operation in a state of relaxation, reported feeling "fairly normal" and overall positive. As the previous operation, audio stimuli in the form of the subject's personal music playlist was permitted.
At 12:26 PM, the personal music was removed, forcing direct exposure. Remarkably, emotional decline did not deviate from when audio stimuli was present, showing only minor decline from upsetting noises that quickly returned to average within 1-2 minutes afterwards.

Results strongly suggest that audio previously believed to be highly upsetting may, in fact, be only a minor disturbance on its own.
As such, theories have shifted towards the idea that upsetting dialogue may be the leading factor, whether as a solitary trigger or as a catalyst alongside upsetting noises.

Non-isolated tests will be required to confirm.

Consensus: Results are equally positive and concerning, but yet inconclusive.

Operation: Examination of emotional stability under prolonged exposure
Date: 03/17/2025
Operation start: 6:45 PM
Operation end: 9:30 PM
Variables: isolation, audio stimuli

Subject began operation in a state of moderate anxiety, understandably, as this was the first attempt at an isolated procedure. Operation went smoothly for its entire duration, with only few notable moments of minor emotional decline and unease. Subject reported upon completion feeling “better than [he] expected.”

Current theories on audio stimuli, in the form of the subject’s personal music playlist.
- Obscures potentially upsetting sounds from disturbing the subject. Reinforced by the few instances of emotional decline occurring during quiet moments in music while upsetting sounds are occurring.
- Provides a comfortable ”area” for the subject to dwell their mind, allowing either disassociation or general comfort in familiarity.

Current theories on isolation.
- Removes sources of potentially upsetting phrases, comments, and remarks.

Consensus: Positive progress, tests to continue.

Well, 2024 is officially closed off.

It had its moments. Many times of stress, regret, anger. The whole shebang, the whole party.
But it also had so many moments of joy, discovery, and happiness.
I’ve met so many new people that, honestly, I can hardly imagine myself without anymore.
I’ve made changes to myself and discovered new limits and abilities.
I’ve come out of my shell, miles beyond what I ever thought I would in such a short span of time.

Will 2025 be better?
Well, we can only wait and see.

But was 2024 a bad year, for me?
Not even close.

And for those that have dealt with it directly, thank you so immensely much for putting up with my unstable ass. You truly have no idea just how much it means to me, and how terrified I’ve been of running you off. I promise I will keep trying to be better, and will forever cherish your companionship.

I love all y’all, keep being your wonderful selves.
I’ll see you all in the dawn of the new year. Here’s to it being a good one.

- zdnoz <3

It is afraid of what it has become, of what it creates, of what it was made for.
It is disgusted by itself, a twisted image of what it believes it should be.
It is angry, not at its creators but at itself. Enraged by the fact that it cannot seem to fix itself.

The machine is afraid of the future.
The machine is afraid of losing itself.
The machine is me.

And I am afraid.
And I am confused.
And I am disgusted.

I want to change.
I want to be better.
I don’t want to hurt people anymore.

Fifteen hour shift :(

Yeah yeah, I know. "Oh wow another person whining about burnout."
And you're damn right I am, because it sucks.

I've been gradually losing the will to work on.. well, anything at all for a while now. Yet there's so much I want to do.
Page two of that comic has been nearly done for weeks now. There's one picture that is literally on its final stages of editing, and has been that way for months. Not to mention the countless porting projects of varying scales that I can never seem to scrape by on.
And I don't know what it is anymore. I try to break the cycle by stepping away, doing other things. Like lately I've been playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance and House Flipper instead. But it feels like the more I do that the less I ever want to return to my things, no matter how many times I tell myself "just keep waiting."

*Sigh*
It is what it is, though. I'll push through somehow, eventually... or so I tell myself.
Guess we'll see.

I've got some little drawings I did in a Magma session a bit back, nothing major or special, but things I've wanted to post once I've got more. Though I don't see "more" coming any time soon, so expect those later today probably.

Just had to get that off my chest I guess, even though it's the same thing you'll ever hear

...Being part of this community, even just the tiniest bit.
But not strange in a bad way. It's one of those feelings that makes me feel very nice inside but makes me question a lot of things.

I came from a community of mostly experienced Source artists. Those with big names in the art community there, both on Garry's Mod and Source Filmmaker. Whether I really belonged there or not is.. up for debate.
But I hated it. So many of those people just suck. They're egotistical, selfish, and often racist pricks. Claiming it's all jokes, all for the bit, but whether that's true or not, it's just so unbelievably toxic. I had to mute every single Discord server I was in because it was always some worthless bickering, dog-piling, or just overall negativity. I would get angry just looking at the damn servers. It sucked, and for a long time I considered purging my accounts and erasing myself from their very existence. I hated it that much.

But then I came here. And even just my minor exposure has been... enlightening. I feel like most people I meet here are great. I don't feel an aura of malice over everything. It just feels nice.
I've met more people here that I care about than I ever did in the Source art community. I met some there, sure, but not as many. And the whole thing makes me question a lot. Not questions I can truly put into words, just pondering. I wonder what it was that made me ever make this account, but consider myself incredibly fortunate that I ever did.

I'm not sure what the point of this journal was. I guess I just had to get it out, let it be spoken for those that want to see it.
Thank you, to everybody who I've been lucky enough to meet. I love you all. <3

God I need to like, pick up the pace or something. It feels like forever between posts, but I guess it is forever since I've been here for two years and have like, what, twenty images, if that?
Motivation is tricky to come by, especially when you're trying to juggle several other projects at once.


Anyway, to the point of this journal. As the name implies, I made an Itaku account and have uploaded my current gallery there.
Why did I make an Itaku? Well, I don't know. It was just there and I see a lot of people heading over there, plus maybe some folks prefer that over FA or Twitter.

So, that exists now, here's the link: https://itaku.ee/profile/zdnoz
Check it out if you want, don't if you don't want to, you know the drill.


Also happy belated 2nd birthday to this account, woohoo.
Glad I've made use of so much of that time...

Frankly I never even expected to reach this milestone. Sure it's maybe pretty small comparatively, but like, think about being in a room with 50 other people, that's a lot of people!

So thank you guys, I'm glad I'm able to make stuff that people actually seem to enjoy. <3

I tabbed out of FA for like 30 minutes tabbed back in and reloaded and now it's different and weird who has done this I am SCARED :(((((((((((((

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy

If anybody here uses Telegram, I now have my very own Telegram channel! I'll be using it to post work in progress images and create polls that you can vote on to decide what I'll work on next!

Join at: https://t.me/+7f5HKzZOhMg0ZGM5, this should be an interesting experience. I hope it'll turn out well!

Well well well, been a hot minute, I have a couple of things I'd like to address and sort of just get out.

First and foremost, I now have a Twitter account!, I'll likely be using it largely for posting WIPs and occasional status updates, since I know I've been silent here for, what, two or three months?

Which also segues right into the next part, my current state of affairs! Some of the people that watch me may have noticed that little hiatus there, or maybe not, I really don't know, but that's truthfully just because I just haven't found the time or desire to make more content as of late, try as I might. I'll try to see about getting something new out relatively soon (WIP of that on my Twitter btw) but no promises.

So basically, to summarize, new Twitter account for WIPs (https://twitter.com/zdnoz_art) and hopeful attempts at new content soon. Take care y'all, thanks for sticking by me so far.

So, I wasn't aware that FA favored PNGs and didn't scale them down, so I've updated all of my images (including the one in my scraps) to be bootleg PNGs.
That is to say, they're JPGs that were renamed to PNGs, and that works apparently! So now you can view the images in full resolution here on FA instead of having to go to E621 for that.

(Also thank god for FA's ability to update images after the submission's been published, super useful.)