I am trans. I'm okay with that and it has given me plenty of positive experiences. I've had flawless support from my friends & family and am broadly happy with who I am.

But I think I sometimes overlook some of the burdens most trans people carry, myself included:
- Micro-aggressions from public don't understand.
- Missing out on key experiences during childhood/adolescence.
- The fear of being single forever because you are "broken".
- The sinking feeling when someone misgenders you.
- The hesitation to speak, because your voice betrays you.
- The political discourse over whether your identity is valid.
- The bureaucratic hoops you jump through for medical support.
- The guilt you don't act feminine/masculine enough to be trans.

I imagine there are parallels to the rest of the LGBT+ community. Coming out of the closest isn't a one-off thing, you have to do it every time you meet someone new. And sometimes it's easier not to bother; are you really going to see that taxi driver ever again?

And I think it's important sometimes to give yourself a break when these things start to get to you. It's okay to be angry, upset or frustrated. Especially during a year where we've been so separated from those that love us.

I'm eternally grateful I found furry. It's not perfect, but its a safe space where people can just be themselves, and we should treasure that.

I have been eating a vegan diet for a while now. For years I had assumed vegans were all tree-hugging hippies, but then both a close friend and respected colleague told me they were vegan. This challenged my simple view of veganism, so I questioned them both about why they had made such an 'extreme' choice. I still struggled with the moral aspects, but when they explained some of the environmental aspects it was enough for me to consider giving it a go. I didn't know all the facts & figures, but I knew enough about it that I was sure the change would only be positive for my body, the world and the animals. However, I was never a huge fan of meat, and already tended to use meat alternatives because they were healthier and more convenient to cook, so it wasn't a big sacrifice to make for what I knew was a positive impact. I can thus understand why others are more reluctant to make the change.

However, I have since learnt more about the huge impact animal agriculture has on our environment, far beyond any other industry. All other environmental efforts feel somewhat insignificant compared to the stats behind animal agriculture. I've learnt how animal agriculture far exceeds transport in generating greenhouse gases. I've learnt how industrial fishing could lead to fishless seas within my lifetime. I've learnt about how growing grain for livestock is responsible for most of the rainforest deforestation. I've also learnt about the impact consuming animal products has on our bodies, how it is the leading cause of all the most lethal human diseases, simply because our bodies were never designed to consume them. And I've also properly come to understand the abuse, torture and mutilation employed in the mass production of meat, eggs and dairy. So as I have learnt of all these things it gets increasingly difficult for me to sit quietly whilst I watch those I love continue to consume animal products.

But I understand that me getting angry or upset is unlikely to help others understand. And I appreciate that, as mentioned, it was an easier change for me to make than for most people. So all I would ask is that people take some time to listen to some of the content that helped me understand the depths of the issue. All of my suggested speeches are listed in this handy article:
https://plantbasednews.org/opinion/.....hes-ever-made/

They are all good, but I wouldn't expect people to watch them all. I personally think that Gary Yourofsky's speech is the most impactful, but it does contain some disturbing imagery part way through that you may want to skip (although... think about why you are skipping it). If you want something shorter and less graphic, then I'd suggest the Bite Size Vegan speech, as it mostly talks through the basic fundamental issues in a logical, factual way. I've even provided direct links to the YouTube videos below to avoid you having to go via the article above:

Gary Yourofsky (70 minutes) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5hGQDLprA8
Bite Size Vegan (30 minutes) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8KPpeNK5fU

For Gary's speech, you can consider skipping these bits to bring the length down to just under an hour:
- 14:20-19:00 = Graphic video (hard to watch)
- 44:00-51:30 = Vegan alternative foods (US specific and likely outdated)
- 59:30-1:03:00 = Graphic video (hard to watch)

I don't expect people to necessarily become vegan overnight, and I accept that it is entirely people's choice what they eat, so if people wish to continue consuming animal products then I will try to accept that. But I want people to at least understand why vegans make this choice and to consider reducing the amount of meat, dairy and eggs they eat.

I've not really touched my FA account much over the past few years, nor bothered updating my profile. But figured some people might be curious how things have progressed since my last journal 4 years ago, so I thought I'd just try to summarise the major events of my recent life. The list below is not exhaustive, but covers most of the major developments.

Previous Years
2004 - I meet a fur*, who becomes the closest friend I have and a companion throughout my life. Only mentioned for context later (* = name excluded to avoid drama).
December 2014 - First identified as transgender, told family/friends, started seeking medical assistance.

2015
Early 2015 - Gradually started transition, presenting as female full time outside of work by end of the year. At this time I think I am sexually attracted to women. Acknowledge that my and my closest friend couldn't be 'full partners' since he is exclusively gay and I am turning out to be lesbian, but we stay close.
Mid 2015 - Buy a 1997 Mazda MX5 (aka Miata), called [url=https://www.furaffinity.net/view/16.....ittenbus[/url], with aim of servicing/upgrading her myself.
November 2015 - Start regular laser hair removal for my facial hair and chest hair.

2016
February 2016 - Start Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), through private clinic (Dr Webberley).
July 2016 - Formally transitioned to present as female full time, including name change via Deed Poll.
Late 2016 - Decided that my kinks did not sit well with my trans status, and so bottle them up.

2017
March 2017 - Moved to NHS funded HRT, having met their criteria for treatment.
Late 2017 - Kinky urges start to resurface, I find various outlets online. Also come to realisation I am asexual, now that urges to be close to females subsides with HRT progress.

2018
March 2018 - Discovered the non-fetish aspects of ageplay through the comic Shine, wanted to learn more.
May 2018 - Went to my first ageplay event, a room party at Confuzzled, which was a huge eye opener.
June 2018 - Start of issues between myself and my closest friend* regarding my ageplay interest.
August 2018 - Seek out asexual ageplayers going to MFF on Howlr, to go to room parties with.
October 2018 - Started looking into veganism, and have gotten more into it as the years go by.
November 2018 - Met malicaifox at MFF. We become very close, and stay in regular contact.

2019
Early 2019 - Growing gap between me and my closest friend* as gaming interests diverge.
January 2019 - Requested a team lead role at work, to push myself further.
March 2019 - Get team lead role at work, but for completely unfamiliar subjects.
April 2019 - Had Genital Reconstructive Surgery (GRS), or more specifically a labioplasty.
June 2019 - My closest friend* decides he no longer wants to speak to me, or be any part of my life. So malicaifox becomes even more important part of my life.
July 2019 - Finish recovery from surgery, visit malicaifox in Vancouver to celebrate.
August 2019 - Start fitting supercharger to my Mazda MX5 Kittenbus.
September 2019 - Went to Center Parcs with mad bunch of awesome furs (too many to name).
November 2019 - Went to Scotiacon, and entered my first ever dance contest (I'm not great :P).
December 2019 - Decide to spend Christmas with malicaifox in Vancouver, since family are all busy.

2020
January 2020 - Following merge of teams, my lead role at work now covers two unfamiliar areas.
February 2020 - Visit malicaifox in Vancouver again, and go on road trip into the mountains.
March 2020 - At work, last team member I actually liked/respected leaves my team.
April 2020 - Surreal experience of watching funeral for my last two grandparents via webcam.
June 2020 - Receive an email from my old closest friend*, explaining how I ruined his life.
June 2020 - Decide that the stress from lead role at work is too much, ask to step down to engineer role.
July 2020 - Conclude that I am probably more non-binary than a full trans woman.
September 2020 - Write this silly journal.

Bit of an odd list, and sure I've missed some important stuff on there. Over just the past two years I have lost quite a few things from my life, some as a result of my own choices, but I feel that I have gained far more in return. I would never want to undo the choices I made and then lose the connections I have made, especially my connection with malicaifox. I am also very grateful for both tryst and wolfpaw for being the stable rocks in my life throughout all these years, especially more recently when COVID has so limited the capacity to travel and visit people. I used to spend almost every weekend visiting friends somewhere, and not being able to do so has really taken it's toll. I'm just grateful that I still have a stable job, supportive friends, and am at least able to visit people in some limited capacity.

Looking forwards, I am starting to more seriously consider trying to move to Vancouver, but that appears to be even more difficult that I first imagined. I'll keep trying to get stuff in place, but it's going to take a while.

For a long time I have wanted to be female, but only recently have I started taking that feeling seriously and treating it as gender dysphoria. I have made some progress in the past year, had my first GIC session, and I now often present female socially. However, I am still pre-HRT and haven't transitioned full time. I have reached a point where I need to do the scary bits to make any real progress, since the NHS requires me to transition full time for 6 months before prescribing hormones. My biggest fear is transitioning at work. I have told a couple of colleagues, but that's it so far. I am more worried about those outside of my team, the people I won't get to explain it to outside of work, but I still need to respect me. I am therefore considering using a private doctor to prescribe hormones prior to 'transition' to help me get over that, since I have heard that some of the psychological effects can make you more content long before any noticeable physical changes.

I have been given the consent form to sign to start private hormones, and it includes the following statement:
"I identify as a woman and have done so for more than two years"
Although I have never strongly identified as male, just accepted it as my assigned label, I am not sure I can really say I identify as a woman even now. I think the problem I have is that I can't currently bring myself to come out to everyone at work, and my main reason for looking into private hormones is to help me get past that, so if they don't help enough before the physical changes become too noticeable then I am not sure what I would do.

My concern is that at no point in my life have I ever felt like I am female, or trapped in the wrong body. I just think things would be nicer if I was female. So my question initial question would be: What is the difference between wanting to be female and being female inside? This is particularly awkward as a furry, as I struggle to justify why my desire to be female is any more legitimate than a furs desire to be an animal. I do experience aspects of gender dysphoria most days. For example, I'll glance at a colleague from behind and feel a drop in my stomach as I think to myself "I will never achieve a figure like that". So I purposefully keep myself distracted, working long hours and wasting what little time I have playing games.

Also, reading through the following reddit post gave me some hope:
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransge.....ays_life_as_a/
All of the descriptions of life post-HRT sound amazing, and I will admit that life can feel a little 'grey' at the moment. So I would like to hope that HRT may add some joy and colour into my life. But I worry that I am wrong and I may end up making things worse; inflicting physical changes that force me to either take undesired action or hide and become more recluse. How can I tell what is missing when I may never have experienced it? Maybe my current state of indifference towards life is a result of stress or the prolonged absence of a close partner, and there are other things I should do to fix it.

I know I am not fully male, but it's currently hard for me to justify being female. Maybe I am just gender queer and should return to my happy neutral point where everything was simple? Or is that me avoiding my fears and taking the easy way out?

I really enjoyed presenting female for the boat trip and London summer party, but have become significantly more reclusive over the past week. I think most of this comes from a reddit post I looked at which showed the progress of people who started hormones around the age of 30. Most of the photos filled me with a sense of dread, that I could become stuck as they are. This is a terrible thing for various reasons, the worst being the fact I am basically discriminating against my own kind, and that how I physically look is somehow more important to me than how I feel.

The latter I can only put down to not really understanding what I want hormones to change internally, only that I hope they reduce some of my general anxiety (and probably as a result make me less worried about looks), so I instead focus on the physical changes that I want. And my main focus physically when gauging anyone's beauty (including my own) is the face. So I end up only worried about how hormones will effect my face, which is largely determined by bone structure that I can't change without expensive and unnecessary surgery.

So I have been stressing out over whether I want to risk looking like an obvious transexual, or whether I would be happier just to go on being me as I am and express my urges through random cross-dressing now and then. I had hoped that when I eventually visit the gender identity clinic they would help me validate my choice, by diagnosing me and saying what I need, but from my conversations with a friend now on his 2nd appointment it would seem all they do is check you are of sound mind (enough support from friends/family, can financially support self, etc) to make the decision, and then they will write letters to take to a doctor who can prescribe stuff (hormones, laser hair removal, etc).

So I will need to sort this out myself, and like my friend said, the hormones can only make me more feminine. It's just a lot of stress that I am not really dealing with very well, since my current tactic is to ignore really sorting anything gender wise until I have my first clinic appointment. From what they told me, that is not going to work. The fact that work is somewhat manic at the moment isn't helping matters. But complaining about that seems petty when several of my friends are struggling to find/keep jobs at all, and I am actually fairly financially secure. I have noticed that I am sleeping less, drinking more coffee, and getting more spots. Which in turn makes me more easily stressed (particularly about appearance), and lower self-esteem/willpower, so I don't do the sensible things to fix the cycle (like get to bed early).

I don't think I need anything... I think I just need to stop blaming my problems on other things and deal with them like an adult. I am sure I will look back at this in future and laugh at how petty I was. I look forward to that day.

I had originally planned to update this fairly regularly, but just never felt I had enough to write about. So I have been making the odd notes over past month or so, and this has given me reminders.


In terms of events, a lot has happened:

In February I received a letter from the Nottingham Gender Identity Clinic confirming that I am on the waiting list, and it should be around 6-8 months till my first appointment (https://twitter.com/ZeKitty/status/.....50029904044032). While this is a long time, it at least let me know they had recevied my application. I am expecting to hear from them soon with a specific date.

In April I had my make-up tutorial, and have since got myself some make-up from Bare Minerals (https://twitter.com/ZeKitty/status/.....96891885551616). However, I have never wanted to be a particularly pretty/girly girl, I just want to look female. So I try to use make-up to disguise my man features rather than prettify myself. I tend to feel silly with anything beyond primer/foundation, and my experiments with eyeliner have only resulted in pain so far.

In May I went to Confuzzled where I gradually built up the courage to wear something nice on the last day (https://twitter.com/ZeKitty/status/.....84983994789889). By this point I dress fairly gender neutral pretty much everywhere other than work. Confuzzled was shortly followed by my birthday party, which was spent almost entirely in girl mode.

And finally, just this month I had the 2015 boat trip, during which both Gorfy and I managed to present female for most of the week. It was an amazingly liberating experience, and I give a huge thanks to this years crew (https://twitter.com/ZeKitty/status/.....65917255192576) for making us both feel comfortable.




The following is just a collection of the thoughts that often go through my mind, provided to try and help people understand me and what I say/do.

I have heterosexual feelings, but it is almost entirely based on jealousy rather than attraction. I therefore fancy girls that represent how I want to be, and am equally jealous of how they look. However, I still want to cuddle with girls, because they feel and smell right, but have no interest in sex. This is apparently due to my brain craving the female hormones I can't get, and the touch/smell giving me indirect access to that, but it doesn't make me feel any less creepy. To complicate matters further, my male hormones are still giving me the physical urges/responses associated with breeding, despite me not consciously wanting my junk to be doing anything. So the few times I have shared a bed with a friend I have then felt embarrassed/disgusted when my body responds accordingly, even if they say they aren't bothered. If/when I start Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) I hope that it will address both of these issues.

I am also interested in what else HRT might affect, including who I am mentally. How much of what I think or do is driven by hormones? I am fairly certain it will significantly effect my moods, but I am also hoping it might reduce my general levels of anxiety since my brain will be getting the right signals finally. I guess if anything I will be closer to the true 'me', but I do worry about how much it will change me. Thankfully I know my friends will be there regardless. Although I desire the physical changes hormones will induce, and my current aim is to pass for female, there is a good chance that once I have the body and hormones it will all just feel so right that I won't care about hiding my past.

The urges associated with female hormones are easier for me to justify, since there is a scientific reason. However, the social aspects are harder for me to come to terms with, such as clothing. Wearing a skirt has nothing to do with anything biological, it is purely driven by the social understanding I have developed as I grew up: girls wear skirts, so I want to wear skirts. I can deal with this generally, since at the end of the day it's just clothing, but underwear causes me slightly more distress. I want to wear cute underwear, but I still occassionally get aroused by it, so I just end up feeling disgusting and perverted. It is still just clothing, but I have developed a social association that perverted men like wearing womens underwear. And it is probably this association that ironically causes the arousal. I am trying to get over this by wearing it more often, make it more of a normal thing, but it will never be comfortable with anyone being able to see my junk and women's underwear isn't made for keeping it hidden.

One of my biggest fears is girls finding out about any of this and thinking I am a pervert. I think this is partly why I value the acceptance by females more than males. It probably also has something to do with them confirming they accept me 'as one of them'. So I tend to feel bad when I react differently to my friends offering me support depending on their gender, and also that my attention is probably biased towards my female friends. There have been several things friends have done that meant more to me than they probably should as a result, such as going with me to a public toilet and borrowing my clothes.

It is also hard to talk about this stuff with people who aren't also going through the same thing. All of my friends are extremely understanding and supportive, but when I talk about some of the deeper stuff I tend to feel like I have to explain why I feel that way, which I can't because I don't really understand why myself. Once I get to know a fellow MtF transgender person I know that they are likely to feel (or have felt) the same way, so I don't need to explain and can just talk. Whenever I visit my friend Matt who set this all off for me, we spend most of the weekend just talking about how stuff makes us feel, and it really helps to have someone else confirm that this is 'normal' for people like us.

Names are another complicated issue, and so far I have three options I am considering:
a) Kristen - It sounds phonetically the same as my current name, but is a female spelling. This then wouldn't cause any upset for me, or embarrassment for others, if people got it wrong. Plus, I will still be me, so it seems odd to change my name.
b) Catherine - It is different enough to signify that this is a big change, and when people use it I will be reminded of who I really am rather than what I was. So the rewards for people getting it right should outweigh the bad times people get it wrong.
c) Kirsten - Somewhere between the two above. Could be misheard as my actual name, so I can gloss over people getting it wrong.
This is of couse further complicated by the fact that my friends all call me Za anyway, so this will only effect work/family. And I am fairly happy with being called Za regardless of the gender I am presenting as, the idea of changing to Ze seems strange (mostly for the reasons given above against other names).

Presenting female to family and work will be more difficult than to friends, and is one of the scary things I need to get over. It has been suggested that I should announce my plans at work before I actually start presenting female full time, so that I at least don't get paranoid about hiding any signs of the progress I make. It would also give my colleagues time to adjust before the shock of me coming to work as female. I might do that once I have had my first clinic session or when I have been given hormones (i.e. confirmed I am definitely going down this path). My close family already know, but I guess I should tell everyone eventually. Presenting as female in front of family is more difficult. I have had a lengthy conversation with my mum and sister about this last Christmas, but haven't really talked about it with them since. Despite them both being as supportive as my friends, I still feel like I am putting more of a burden on them. My friends have had time to adjust to my more feminine ways, but I don't see my family often enough to give them that chance. So it feels like I am telling them they are losing their son/brother, and gaining a new daughter/sister that they don't really know. I was going to start asking my mum about names in a recent email, but ended up deleting that part before I sent it.

This is just a brain dump. If you don't want to read it all, I've summarised at the end.

A few weeks ago I got my hair cut. I get on pretty well with my hairdresser, and so was comfortable enough to explain what I am going through in simple terms and explain that in the long term I want my hair longer and more feminine. He was fully understanding, having previously worked for an LGBT support group, and genuinely excited about what he could do with my hair. Ended up with a short 'bob' look, since I need to let my fringe catch up with the rest of my hair to avoid a mullet. And style correctly it can actually look quite feminine already. So this has helped my feel better about myself already.

Whilst talking to my hairdresser I brought up how I dislike my bushy eyebrows, so he suggested one of the girls could wax them for me whilst my hair dye set in. So now my eyebrows are less bushy. Nothing extreme or noticeable, but noticeable to me. And he also brought up the subject of makeup.

So far I have been too afraid to start even trying makeup, there are so many options that I don't know where to start. I know there are tutorials online, but it's hard to even know what to buy. However, he mentioned that they do a makeup tuition course, where they spend an hour talking you through the various products, find the ones that match your skin tone, and take you through several looks you can achieve. They even take photos so you can practice recreating the looks at home. This sounded ideal, and I plan on doing this, just not yet booked it.

The Friday after getting my hair cut I drove to Manchester to go to ARA (goth night in a community church) with Loui and Draco. I got dressed up before I left Derby, including all my padding. I wasn't wearing anything overly pretty, but had black trousers with a bit of shape to them and a very tight fitting t-shirt with my awesome new coat, so my fake curves were pretty obvious. Obviously no makeup, but I was essentially in full 'girl mode'.

I actually managed to drive all the way to Manchester, including a stop at the services and a visit to ASDA to pick up come cereal/milk, without panicking. Was slightly awkward walking into the men's toilets, but nothing terrible. I basically took the attitude of not giving a shit about appearing as an actual girl, and being 'comfortable' as something clearly inbetween the two binary genders. This was pretty liberating, as I didn't have to worry about hiding any aspect of me, and could take pleasure in the feminine shape I had managed to construct.
Needless to say the night out at ARA was even easier to deal with, and I had a really good night feeling generally accepted by my friends and everyone there. What was odd was that I managed to 'pull' two girls on the dance floor, and a guy who spoke to me as I was leaving the toilets. Although I am not sure whether the girls wanted me or just the floor space I was 'dancing' on.

So far, so good. However, during the next week I managed to loose my 'fuck it' attitude, and when it came to visiting London to see Cirque du Soleil I went in boy mode. At the time I justified it based upon not being in the mood and not wanting to feel uncomfortable during the show. But I look back now and can only judge the decision as being cowardly. And ever since I have 'not been in the mood', generally only changing into comfortable clothes (fleece pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt) when at home, and not bothering with my breasts or underwear.

Part of my issue with underwear is that I still perceive that aspect as being a 'kink', even if it isn't, and so still feel ashamed about desiring it. This is further enhanced by the fact I still have my male package to contain, which doesn't exactly fit well in women's underwear. As a result I find myself looking forward to when I can finally get rid of my 'external organs', although this then gets depressing when I consider how far away that is. I haven't even had confirmation I am on a waiting list yet, I then need to have two therapy sessions at least 3 months apart to confirm this is all right for me, so I can start taking hormones. I can't see myself going full time until at least 6 months on hormones, and they don't even consider you for surgery until 18 months after going full time. So surgery is at least 3 years away if I am lucky.

As a result I find myself getting excited whenever I see official looking post on my door matt, thinking I might finally have had contact from the Gender Identity Clinic, only to be sorely disappointed when its a bill or some junk mail.

One of my recurring thoughts lately is how futile all this is. I end up focusing on all the things I can't change, or will struggle to change, like my height, genitals, voice, narrow hips and broad shoulders. And then I get depressed because I know no matter what I do I will never be as pretty as all the females I see around me. At home I distract myself with games, but at work if I am not busy I start to over-think things and upset myself.

Talking of games, I started playing 'Life is Strange' at the suggestion of a reddit post, since you play as a teenage girl at an American college. It does feel kinda nice being able to take on her role for an hour or so, but at the same time it reminds me of all the years I have already missed. I realise that puberty isn't exactly a party for females either, but I still find myself strangely jealous of all the things I will never quite have as transgender female.

Terminology has also been awkward. I refer to 'girls' and 'girl mode', but it makes it seem like I am talking about being really young. In fairness, I do want to be a girl in that sense, and if I could have a body grown for me to jump into I would love to be able to start from mid-teens. But being realistic, I guess I need to use the term 'woman', but that sounds like I mean someone quite old. And using 'female' sounds too clinical.

Anyway, I hope to get my attitude sorted out, learn some makeup, and be more confident/comfortable about presenting myself as female as I can currently be. I don't plan on doing much this weekend, and on holiday with family week after, but I hope to make a proper go of things when I get back in March.

In summary:
- My hairdresser is awesome, is sorting my hair and given me plans to learn makeup.
- When I can take a 'no fucks given' attitude I really enjoy just presenting as many female aspects as possible without worrying about my obvious male aspects.
- Past couple of weeks I have started giving fucks again, and as a result have been a bit low. But I am coping.
- I hope to try and be more positive in March, and maintain a more consistent attitude to it all.

Today started bad. I hadn't yet told anyone at work about my gender issues, and it felt like I was always having to hide it. I wanted to tell at least one person so I could at least know someone else knows why I am sometimes being distant. But I never got up the confidence, and the more I put it off the scarier my paranoia made it all for myself. It has been a constantly building anxiety, culminating in me feeling physically ill this afternoon.

Thankfully, I finally decided anything is better than this suffering, so arranged a meeting with my old team leader who has always been very understanding. And obviously she was very supportive, and there was nothing to worry about. I told her that I don't expect much to change for some time, but I just needed someone who knew, who I could talk to if needed. She said that she would be happy to go grab a coffee or whatever if I needed a break in future. Having told her, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and the support was exactly what I should have expected, but was what my paranoid brain had been denying. So I feel much better now than I have for the last week, since I now have support at work, from family, and from friends.

I am also trying to embrace this side of myself more fully, so will be attempting to do/wear more outside of work. I have been asked how I want to be referred to with regards pronouns and names. I am still Za, and don't see my name changing soon, and at first I didn't want to change pronouns because it felt wrong (since I don't feel very feminine). But I realise now that I need to hear it and recognise that I am a she inside, even if I am taking some time to convince myself. So as a general rule I have decided that people should use whichever pronouns fit the way I am currently presenting myself, as positive reinforcement can only help me come to terms with all this.

I also fixed my toilet today, replaced the dodgy washer. So now it fills up properly rather than taking ages. That was also a satisfying end to the day.

I wanted to make this journal to thank everyone that made new years so special for me, and to try and explain some of my recent feelings. I also want to apologise for being a bit distant on the first night, I was reluctant to express myself as openly as I did the rest of the week, and also angry/disappointed at myself for not having the guts to do so. Special thanks to a certain person for getting me to open up a bit. Thankfully in the middle of the night I finally decided to stop worrying so much and risk looking a bit silly.

The rest of the week was amazing, was the first time I've ever actually felt comfortable about expressing that side of myself. Prior to last week I would never have dreamed of going for a meal in 'girl mode' (best way of summing it up). A couple of times after having a shower I had second thoughts about going back to 'boy mode', because it was less silly, but realised that if I did I would probably regret it and find it hard to switch again. Spending that long full-time in 'girl mode' has really helped build my confidence, and I plan on keeping it up more when I am home.

I couldn't have felt as comfortable as I did without the support of all my friends that were here. The simple act of accepting my as I presented myself without making a fuss over it helped me relax and realise that it's nothing to worried about. The interest that people showed in certain parts of it, once I was more relaxed, made it seem more real/legit and not something to be ashamed of. I do still find it easier to open up to females, or feminine males, so I apologise if my attention was a little bit biased at times. I still find it hard to tell whether the reason for my bias towards females is jealousy, attraction, or longing for the company/acceptance of 'my own kind'.

I am hoping to build upon my new confidence, and have plans to start changing more little things in private first. This includes better 'padding' and clothes, changing to nicer fragrances, growing my hair longer, removing more of my body hair, and potentially even entering the scary world of makeup. In the long term I hope to get the confidence to wear some of this stuff in public too, probably at meets/cons first. A lot will depend upon how satisfied I can get myself with my appearance. The more I can get started before I get an appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic, the better chances I will have of knowing what I want sooner.

Overall the experiences of the past week have helped me explore my feelings around gender far deeper than I have in the past, and I have found that presenting as female felt nice, if awkward. I am hoping the latter feeling will lessen over time. However, the fact that I enjoyed the experience could be taken one of two ways:
a) Similar experiences in future would be sufficient to satisfy my urges, and there is no need to pursue any permanent changes that would make my life more difficult. This is 'good', because it means less stress/anxiety/risk, but would be potentially disappointing in terms of the limited results.
b) This is a sign that I would be happier shifting permanently to the other side, along with all the scary stuff that goes with it. A lot of the changes associated with a full transition (hormones and surgery) are actually quite exciting in terms of possibilities, but scary in terms of not having guaranteed results.

My friend who set me off on all this has provided two quite useful insights into our shared feelings on this issue. The first is that there is a difference between 'hard' and 'difficult'. The 'hard' things about transitioning are the one-way life changing things, like hormonal breast growth and surgery. However, these don't actually seem that scary. The 'difficult' part, from our view point, is presenting ourselves as female without the assistance of all that, which tends to be a pre-requisite for getting it in the first place.

The second insight was this little cartoon, which is a good way of summarising how I have felt recently: http://buttersafe.com/2012/08/16/th.....seasick-squid/
However, there is a slight difference in my case. To continue the metaphor, I feel like I have been in the sea my whole life, trying to ignore what is on the land because I know it is not meant for me. And then when my friend convinced me I have gender dysphoria (http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6345724), I stopped ignoring it. And last week was like getting onto the beach; I was standing on land, but my feet were still wet. And I fear that the further up the beach I go, the less satisfied I will be with the sea. I am hoping that my eventual appointment with the Gender Identity Clinic will help clear up a lot of this.

TL;DR In summary, a huge thanks to all the support I have received so far, I don't feel worthy of having such understanding friends and family. Most people have to go through far worse than this, with far less support.

For those who have missed my recent tweets, an old friend messaged me and showed me a paper on Gender Dysphoria or Gender Identity Disorder (http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm), which basically linked together many issues I've had in life. This convinced me that what I have always thought of as a perverted kink to be ashamed of is actually a serious issue that needs professional attention. While this has given me renewed hope in the options available to me, it has also unbottled all the feelings I had thought I had put behind me.

I am incredibly thankful for the support I have had from my friends so far, both online and in person. I know that whatever happens I will always have a large group of close friends I can fall back on, and it was really good to talk about it with people at the Manchester meet yesterday. However, today was the first day since I realised the significance of my issues that the 'dysphoria' has really affected me.

I have been talking with my friend who helped me get this all out, but have really struggled to put into words how I feel. He linked me to a post he made when he first started properly dealing with this, and it pretty much summed up everything today has been:
https://pay.reddit.com/r/asktransge.....to_you/cmgdegd

This has really drained me, and I almost just went to bed when I got home this evening. I just feels like there are all these feelings inside me without any satisfactory form of release. I have felt like crying at times, but never been close enough to tears to actually cry. So I am in strange mood and don't expect to be very good company without something to distract me from it all (such as WoW), but not sure if that's healthy either.

I am not asking for help, for I am not sure there is much my friends could do that they haven't already done by just being there for me. I just need to get through this myself I think, till I am comfortable with where I am. I just don't want people thinking I don't appreciate their company and support if I start to act distant. Part of me wants to feel upset if only to justify the importance of this and to warrant the support I have been given. Sorry.

Update: So I woke up this morning and felt really stupid for posting this. My thoughts were that I am fine and lucky to have so many parts of my life as they are, and that this is just a minor thing that will probably never result in any real changes. So I was going to delete this and not be so emo about it all. But then I realised deep down I am still full of anxiety, and those initial thoughts were just me resetting to my old way of thinking about all this: bottling things up and pretending I'm a normal male. Thankfully my friend has kept reminding me that normal males wouldn't even have this dilemma, enough for me to keep this all here as a reminded to myself that no matter how my mind tries to deal with the anxiety, the solution is not to pretend I am fine.

Had an amazing new years, can't believe it all only lasted four days. Not going to go on about it, but just a bit too much to fit in a twitter post...

Thanks to everyone who came, you are all such good friends, and every one of you made the party that bit more special. Sorry if I was a bit stressed at times. Hope you all enjoyed your time here, and I would love to organise something similar again (maybe around Easter?) if people are interested.

Nothing I could do would properly show how thankful I am to have such great friends in my life, but as a small token of my appreciation, and in the spirit of the holidays, I won't be charging anyone for the food I bought.

Tomorrow demands I be human rather than feline, but thanks for giving me some time away from reality.