Three days out, and its hard to believe she's gone. I hate how I wasn't there. I hate how my body shuts down, and I sleep for two days straight. I worry for Adyson, Mom, and Harlee. How are they getting along without her? I cant get online without thinking about her. I cant close my eyes without seeing her. I cant help but burst into tears when my mind touches the fact that she isnt here to comfort my sister. Her gentle spirit got my sister and I through so many hard times, and really good times. My sister would dress that dog up in baby clothes. She was my sister's pupil when she played teacher. She soaked up my tears when I felt worthless. I looked forward to every time I could see her, and whisle at her for her attention. That dog was the sole purpose of me living sometimes. I know I have to move on, to mend my broken heart, but how do you do that, when you arent allowed to have animals in your rented home?! I need a helpless furball to love and spoil. Just a small one. To help bridge the gap between a severed heart, and loving another. My heart has a huge hole in it where my baby was. I thought we would have many more years with her, but it was not to be. My poor sister lost her best friend and confidant, me on the other hand, I lost my first child. I know my brain is skipping around a bunch, but its what will happen when someone is grieving.

If you ask any of my friends and family, you will see how much this tiny dog meant to me. The eternal puppy, the one who curled up and loved on you for no reason, other than the fact that she could. Im numb. and then i feel it. it hits deep inside my chest, like being hit in the sternum with a baseball. No more "Wheres my doggie?" "where's my ginger?" "take the computer to see her, i want to see her" no more surprising my sister, and my dog bum rushing me to get at me from under the covers where ten seconds earlier, she was fast asleep. Being away from her was the hardest think I ever had to do. She didnt see me for over 6 months.

I know im ranting, but i have to put this somewhere. I have to document my feelings. I cant forget how this feels. I cant forget HER.

My sister was the one who told me she was gone. I cant imagine how she felt, seeing her die. I cant. I dont know how this will effect the rest of my life. That dog was supposed to be in my wedding in a few years. Why

I lost my best friend today. She was 8 and a half years old. and i wasnt een there to let her go. Too short a time i had with her/ she will be missed