This year has been nothing but a miserable wreck for me so far. I've been plagued with constant disappointment and letdown, heartbreak and heartache, depression and misery, and a dwindled desire to do just about anything.

There's little point to continue onward here anymore, as I've given all I have to give. I no longer care about drawing, about writing, or about doing things solely to please people. I really don't care anymore.

I have very few friends that are actually worth keeping around, and though I'll be sad to abandon them once again like I did earlier in the year, it's those friends that I feel are the ones that will actually understand. The rest of you will probably just bitch and moan.

I'm not an outwardly social person by nature. I have social inhibitions, yet somehow I'm socially magnetic, where people just talk to a boring person like me for whatever reason. I think most people enjoy talking to me because they like to hear themselves talk, since I don't open up about any of my feelings ever to those sorts and probably never will.

But in all reality, I see no point to sticking around FA or the community as a whole. I like the art, sure, porn, yeah, but I'm sick and tired of trying to walk forward without going anywhere. I used to feel there was a hope or a reason for me being here prior to this year. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I did this or did that, hoping that it would somehow lead me one step closer to my future. Now, though, I realize there's nowhere further I can go. There's nothing more I can do to justify investing any time in these stupid endeavors.

I don't want attention from people, nor do I need to prove anything to myself by drawing or writing, so ultimately it just boils down to demands from other people. "When's the next chapter of ______ coming?" "You haven't drawn anything in awhile" "Cool art bro!" "Will you read this story and let me know what you think?" "Can you write me ______ doing ______ to ______?"

What do I want? I don't give a rat's ass about any of that. I don't care about pleasing people anymore, because consistently, throughout my entire life, all I EVER seem to do is disappoint people. I will NEVER please everyone and every single additional person I try to please just leads me further and further down an inescapable tunnel.

What do I want? I used to think I wanted to be in love. That's why I wrote love stories. I used to have some sort of belief that, maybe, just maybe, I would find the likeminded needle in a haystack here, defying the impossible odds and having someone in my life who would accept me for who I am rather than just the mask I wear in reality. I did find that someone. And I even failed that. When given another chance at love after such a long time, I was met on the other side of the stream, hurting her in very much the same way I was hurt before, yet knowing it would still lead to less pain in the long run.

I've proven I'm nothing more than a weak minded, timid, hyposensitive little boy. There's nothing more I can accomplish here to further my life at all. Nothing.

I don't want love anymore. The very idea repulses me, and not in that forced denial sort of way, but in a truly detached way. It scares me too much, it angers and infuriates me beyond belief, and there are just so many aspects of it that I plain and simply don't care for anymore.

This is what I've grown into: a cold, bitter, isolated individual. For those of you who only met you this year, I apologize, as you've missed out on seeing a Zeph that once knew how to smile, once held hope and love in his heart, and once actually accomplished things. And for those of you who remember this Zeph, I apologize, because honestly I barely remember him and see no hopes of him ever returning.

Hope. Hope. There's a word that's only grown into as much of a stinging torment as love. Why anyone carries hope for anything these days is beyond me. I used to keep holding on, keeping fighting for what I wanted, hoping that by not giving up, I would somehow gain what I wanted. That's stupid. Utterly stupid. Hope is nothing more than an irrational longing for an outcome that will never be. I've given up on it altogether, because every single time I've had hope for the past several months, it was always let down and just led me into even more of a depressed state. Even just today, when I had a little tiny shred of hope for something good to happen, naturally, because it's me, it fell apart. That's my life.

If you actually want to get by in life, putting hope in anything is the wrong way to go. Absolutely. Instead, actually take fucking action and do something about it. Pretend that hope and luck don't exist. Just forget about them. Whatever you want to accomplish, just go fucking do it, don't sit on your ass hoping to win the lottery or hoping for love to fall into you lap if that's what you're looking for. Don't hope to catch that train; run to catch it and accept it may not be there for you, but due to your own fault. Hope sucks. Faith, belief, and every other similar idea is just a poison to me. If you still have these things, hey, whatever, maybe they don't let you down as often as they let me down, but to me, they truly are a poison, and I'm tired of letting them sap me of everything I am.

What do I want? I've still to answer this question. I don't even know anymore. I used to think I knew what I wanted, but now I just want to go away. I just want to forget about everything and everyone. I want to be nothing more than just a memory to you people. I want to try live my own life and forget about these foolish feelings or halfhearted associates. I want the people who actually cared to focus their emotions elsewhere and for the people who never cared at all to just find some other somebody to prattle on to. I want to find something I care about and can involve myself in, but not writing, drawing, or anything to do with Pokemon or furries or all that other crap.

I stuck around for so long because I used to think I had a purpose, that there was some reason for me to be here. This year, I started realizing that, perhaps, I didn't really have a purpose or reason to be here anymore. It was gone. Now, though, I'm just looking at it from a different perspective. I've already completed my purpose. Whatever it was, it's done, final, everlasting. If I made an impact on your life, great, that was my purpose for being here, I've already completed that part of it. If I cheered you up in your time of need, alright, maybe that was what I was supposed to do. If I saved your life, I'm glad, but what's done is done and I can't continue being a hero for the rest of my life.

Whatever the case, my reason for being here is over, my impact will stay to those I've touched. I'll leave my works up, because I hate the true ragequitters that delete everything just to piss people off. But really, I'm done for good. I made sure I gave two weeks or so to think this all through, to get away from you people, and, unlike last time, to be sure I could give some form of finality to it all. Like I said earlier, I'm not really looking for attention like most ragequitters -- I would have been happier just fading away like I did a couple of months back, but I just wanted to give some level of finality this time around to those who I pissed off when I went absent for months on end. If I do ever return, it'll be from scratch, under a different name, under a different time, as a name has never been as important to me as the person behind it all. Hopefully if this does happen, you'll never even know, because I hate dwelling on things.

I wish I could say it was a good ride altogether; some of the happiest moments of my life were spent on here, but I've also gone through more of my darkest days than any other time before. I have to get healthier again and move on from this. Call me selfish, sure, but you're the selfish one if you want to hold me back against my well. You're the selfish one if you want to selfishly keep me from what I want to do for your own benefit. You're the selfish one if you can't understand I'm done and want to go home.

And just like every story has a beginning, each story also has an end, and keeping to the tradition of my works, it looks like my ending is somewhere right in the middle, left unfinished and mired in sadness.

Farewell.

Let's celebrate the 235th anniversary of declaring our (well, those of us in the USA) independence by spending collectively countless millions of dollars on pretty explosives!

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!
Actually I think it's just the neighbors that are bothering me with their loud raucous fireworks and firecrackers. Literally right outside of my door. Ugh, people.

I went out to watch my city blow up fireworks, as I do every year. It was nice and all, but underwhelming compared to the past two years, which I thought were much better. Oh well, it's a tradition I'll stick to. That and potato salad, yum...!

Anyway, I am more or less done being sick (just got a little bit of a cough left), and I've been signing on MSN and AIM and stuff more recently. I usually don't mind chatting, so go ahead and add me if you're interested (details on my profile), but keep in mind that I'm just plain and simple not the type to initiate conversations. I'm so shy about that! Well, really in general, heh.

Yeah, that's about all that's new in my whole exciting little world. Hopefully you had a nice Independence Day if you celebrate it.

A lot's happened this week, I guess. What started off as a small cold developed into pneumonia, the worst of which hitting Sunday and Monday. Blazing fevers of more than 104°F (I didn't have a thermometer then, but I was having convulsions, hallucinations, delusions, and constant shivering), endless and unrelenting coughing to the point where breathing feels like a luxury, and lung capacity diminished to go along with that shortened breath.

When it took a turn for the worse, I went to the doctor — something I do only if it's an absolute emergency — in order to get it looked at and, most importantly, treated. I'm glad I went. I'm on antibiotics and Nyquil now. My fever has been broken for nearly 24 hours now. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm on the up and up here.

However, that's not what I'm referring to when I say 'better.' When I was last able to post (I've been reading every message I've received), I was in a dismal emotional state. I felt beaten into submission and crawling back to the pack of wolves I'd strayed from, tail between my legs. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be welcomed back, because I felt like I had turned on you, left you due to my own weaknesses, and would be unable to deal with the added attention brought back onto me.

What I found instead, though, were messages of hope, messages of cheer, of praise, of support, all from "total strangers." I use the term loosely, but it needs to be said. In a sense, to me, you are all total strangers. I've never met any of you in person. To be honest, I don't think I ever could, or would ever be able to. I might know your name, might have seen your face, even, but that's about it. Yet, at the same time, you lot of "total strangers" are anything but that — you're my family, you're my friends, my support, my courage. You're the ones that keep me going, giving a fellow "total stranger" advice and support for no reason other than to genuinely help. You're not looking for money; maybe friendship here and there, but even then, friendship from a total stranger? Well, hey, isn't that where all friendships start anyway? Heh.

I guess the point I was getting at is that I found it incredibly inspiring hearing all of your voices offering your compassion and friendship to someone you don't even really know. I think, to me, that's perhaps one of the truest signs of kindness and sincerity. Sure, there's a lot of people out there that just want to be heard or just want "someone cool" as a friend, but I believe the majority of people stepping in to help me would have helped anyone else in such peril if they only knew where they were or how to help. I've even done it from time to time, just commenting on a random person's journal or blog if it looks like they just need someone to listen.

It may not be your voice that gets through, but if it's not yours, it's someone else's, and if it's not theirs, it's someone else's. I'm sure you've thought that a few times before in various circumstances; maybe it even held you back from giving your voice in the first place. Let me just tell you that every single voice is just as important as the last, each and every one of 'em.

The best rewards are the ones you gain nothing from. You do them because they're right.

I've seen a lot of that firsthand over the past few months. I still don't know where I am or who I am. What I do know now, though, is that I don't want to do things alone anymore.

On that note, all of my stories are on indefinite suspension following this. I'm only writing in them again when I feel like it, and that might be never. Thankfully, over this period, I've been hit by what I like to call "the spark," which is that eureka moment where ideas fit together, and then it congeals into a soup where idea after idea is thrown into it and, from this mess, is born the inspiration for my greatest stories. This new idea, which still needs a title, is going to be an adventure story starring a human boy turned into a Pokemon (I know, that sounds familiar), using Unova Pokemon exclusively. I know, it sounds like the 3000th PMD-esque story you've heard — save the fully Unova part — but my goal is to use that only as an inspiration and not as the foundation, so you won't see any of the stereotypical stuff in there, don't worry.

We'll see how that goes. But I already have the three main characters down almost to a fault; they're perhaps the funnest mix of characters I'll have ever written in my stories. It's going to be hard getting back into the writing scene again, and I'm not making any promises, nor any goals, but I am at least making an effort with my newfound inspiration.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a few comments and notes to catch up on.

I vaguely remember there being one here... but it's been such a long time, it seems like nothing more than just a foggy dream from weeks passed.

Over the past four and a half months, I've drifted off into seclusion, so afraid of facing myself and facing the rest of the world day after day. The online world, that is, although I'm frightful enough in the so-called "real" world that I guess they're one in the same to me at this point.

In this time, I've managed to break my heart, spirit, body, and soul, losing confidence on a daily basis, inhaling emotional pain as if it were the air I breathe, and tearing apart the last few friendships I had left. Even though my intentions were good, in addition to breaking my own heart on several occasions over these months, I've also broken several of my close friends hearts along with me, bringing me perhaps more pain than ever imaginable.

Every day since the day I left, January 29th, I checked FA, watching it like a ghost hovering from limbo, refusing to leave but not even sure what I was looking for. Perhaps that was a mistake all along, but I do feel that it's been somehow important for me in coping with my stresses. Somehow. Even though I may not have been here, I've been watching with a cautious eye, keeping up on things, and, with the exception of a marriage of one of my closest friends, a friend which I felt terrible for leaving behind and to whom I give my congratulations to, I don't feel like I missed too much.

To those of you that missed me or worried about my sake, I apologize for abandoning you without notice and without goodbye. I was ­— and still am — in a very dark place, yearning for the days when I could actually smile around friends, and rather than explode in an attention-seeking goodbye journal or some long, lengthy rant, I knew in my heart that attention or concern wouldn't fix anything and that I had to find a way to fix my problems alone.

It took me two months after that before I was able to act in an attempt to quell the torment of my heart, knowing that I'd be breaking one of my dearest friends' heart as a result. My only hope now was that it was less heartache on her than it would have been had I not have absorbed all of the pain myself and forced her to compromise rather than me putting her needs first in every situation possible. I would rather her hate me than hate herself, because I'm so used to hating myself that I'm fine being another magnet so long as it means sparing her pain.

I promised I wouldn't be back until after I had done that, but after that, after all of that pain I caused and after all of the turmoil that still swirled in my heart, I didn't have the ambition or desire to return. I just... I just wanted to be dead to everyone. I still do, but I've reached perhaps the deepest low I've been at so far and I finally feel this is a fight I can't win on my own.

Heh, I know I'm probably just going to end up regretting this decision to return. Every single time I act, it seems as if the worst possible outcome occurs. Hope has been the bane of my existence as of late, like a sick, twisted delusion to me; every time I have hope for something — anything — not only does that hope come crashing down onto me in a blazing fury, but it turns out far worse than it was before. I've hoped for so many things, consciously making efforts to move forward and better myself, but every time I try, it only ends in failure.

This return isn't looking for sympathy or attention. I think mostly it's there for those who actually had sincere worry for my wellbeing. If I wanted attention that badly, I would have come back much earlier; but to say I don't need any is clearly a lie, as I surely would have waited longer if it were true, huh...

I already know there's nothing anyone can do. Not ultimately. I know that, in my current state, I'm not a very pleasant person to be around, so I'll try to keep my presence to a minimum. I know that there are several people out there that want me to write this or that, but tough, unlike last year, where I thought I couldn't be any more devastated, this year I don't even have the desire to want to accomplish something in order to satisfy my own ego and prove my self-worth. Those stories proved nothing. My art was really very lousy when I look back at it. I shouldn't have half-assed everything just to accomplish some inane monthly goal and should have actually worked on the things that were most worthwhile. Oh well. That's just another part of me that has died.

So what's the point of this journal, really, anyway? There isn't one. You probably just wasted your time in reading this, to be honest. But, for whatever it's worth, there was one story I wrote over the past week for therapy, in an effort to reach deep into the belly of the beast plaguing my heart. It's in my scraps and I figured it's so much better writing a euphemistic story about my own personal history than bitching and moaning about it in some epicly long journal.

Will I be back someday? And, when I say 'be back,' I mean back as the Zeph most of you knew, the happy Buizel, the friendly one that had a knack for writing and a penchant for Pokemon? I don't know. I honestly don't. I've hurt just about everyone close to me that there's a deep, constant fear that I'm only going to hurt more people. There's a void of confidence in my soul that has caused me to act meek and timid, yet hiding it on the exterior out of fear of garnering undue attention. These things I will need to overcome before I'll 'be back.' These things I'll have to work out before I'll be a worthwhile person again.

That's all I had to say. Sorry to disappoint.

No, this has nothing to do with astrology and all that zodiac realignment stuff. I'm talking about coincidences that happen that could be interpreted as a sign.

I don't want to go into the specifics of it, but last night, a series of events occurred that caused me to think twice about things. If I was looking for some sort of sign, perhaps that was it. It's just weird that my computer would freeze randomly while I was working on something that I was questioning, leading me to believe there's something else telling me that what I was doing was wrong.

Vague, yeah, I know. Like I said, the specifics aren't really your business or anything, but I would be curious to hear your views. Do you believe in signs like that? Do you believe that if coincidental things happen in just such a way that it causes you to reevaluate the situation, that it's a higher source guiding you down a path, or that it's nothing more but mere chance?

Just curious, that's all.

Surprisingly, 2010 was a pretty productive year as far as both writing and art went.

One thing I did at the very beginning of my journey this year was make a really cool spreadsheet thing that I could log all of my word counts in to keep track of my goals and stuff, making cool little line graphs and showing a full data sheet (color coded, too!), but it also has a lot of other statistics in there, too, and I can effectively make a little pie chart showing how much I dedicated to each story. Very cool for a nerd like me, even though I'm far from pro at Excel-like programs.

Anyhow, I might make a little interactive Flash portfolio or something later on for you stat nerds, but I'll just kinda list what I've accomplished this year as far as writing goes right here.

In the year 2010...• I wrote a total of 272,365 words _{(for comparison, the first three Harry Potter books are 269,338 words long)}
• I wrote 30,000 words +/- 500 in January through June, 26,569 in July, 62,388 in November, and then a short little 2400 in December.
• The most words I wrote in one day was 15,504 on March 30th. Two other days broke 10,000.
• I wrote a total of 22 stories, of which 19 of them were started entirely in 2010. (The three I continued were Middle of Nowhere, Fleeting Friendship, and Waxing Moon.)

Here are the stories that were birthed in 2010...• Starting in the Lab - Kanto
• Starting in the Lab - Johto
• Get Well Soon
• Breaking the Ice
• Starting in the Lab - Hoenn
• Brother's Bond
• Deserted (Not yet posted)
• Starting in the Lab - Sinnoh
• Painted Love
• Berryed Deep Inside
• Family Secrets
• Inadvertent Savior
• Oil Cleanup
• Acceptance and Desire
• Who Loves Orange Soda
• Lost to Love (Not yet posted)
• Victory in Defeat (Not yet posted)
• The Flaw of Attract-eon (Not yet posted)

That's not too shabby for one year. That's the power of setting a goal and sticking to it (at least for as long as I was able, or six months plus NaNoWriMo). Yeah, I may have slacked off in the latter half of the year, but my whole goal of 30,000 words was actually meant as a goal, not a realistic one I would actually meet. Sort of like a carrot on a stick that I could follow to motivate me. That's why I don't feel bad I "only" did about half. My god, I wrote 272,000 words in a year. Why should I feel bad?

As for art, that's another goal that I set out for. I haven't been much of an artist in my day and have always striven to become better. Last year graced my art with a lot of improvement, mostly due to my separate goal of drawing 15 completed drawings a month. Like the writing goal, that fell apart about half way through, but that was still a LOT of art.

I wound up doing a total of 98 completed drawings, of which most were posted to FA. There were also plenty of sketches and doodles that I did not count towards this goal. Nearly 100 drawings is a lot of drawings for one year, particularly from someone who has done, like, maybe 50 in the previous three years of being on FA (2007 - 2009).

Some of these turned out like crap, but some I'm actually pretty proud of. More importantly than that, though, I'm proud of the fact that I put in an effort to elevate my art from a slow, shabby attempt to something fairly decent. My hopes are that I will improve my art even further over the course of 2011.

I haven't yet set goals for 2011. It's a different set of circumstances this year than last year, but I very well may mill it over for the next few days to see if I want to do that again. I think goals are a very important thing. For anyone reading this that feels motivated at this point, but perhaps have doubts as to whether or not you can do it... You can do it. All it takes is dedication and persistence. I didn't start out with all of these goals accomplished, but I stuck to them to try better myself.

Monthly goals are better than yearly goals anyway, if you ask me. Look into some yourself if you feel inspired or something, because, trust me, it's doable.

Yep, so let's see what 2011 brings in the way of accomplishments.

Looks like I missed a bunch of stuff on FA, huh? Go figure. I don't really care about all that drama stuff anyway.

At least losing that 10 days worth of journal comments didn't affect me lol.

Merry Christmas to all of you, even though it's basically time for the new year already.

I'm not going to talk about Fluff from hereon in, though, as she has no interest in this sort of stuff, so I shouldn't be saying things here about her. We spent Christmas together and it was nice meeting her family, but I'm not going into all of the details, so don't ask, thanks.

Yep, now I have about 462 messages I need to clean through. Fun stuff.

Yep, you can see the fully story in my previous journal, but I'm now gonna be off of FA, AIM, and MSN til just shy of the new year. I'm gonna be spending Christmas with my love, Fluff, as well as her family. ^^

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a Merry Christmas! ^^

I know where I'm gonna be spending this Christmas. :3

Actually, in all seriousness, I'm actually going to be gone for awhile. I'm flying out in a couple of days to spend Christmas on the other side of the country with my Fluff and her family. <3 I can't even begin to describe how excited I am for this! ^^ It's such a sweet thing... it's like getting her back for coming to visit me earlier this year, hehe, but it's gonna be for an even longer time and over a great holiday. :3

So uh, I'll probably make one more journal when that time comes, but I'm probably gonna be gone from this Friday so I can pack and get ready and stuff (I'll be doing plenty of that beforehand, too), and I won't be back until the last week of December. ^^; It's gonna be quite awhile, yeah! That's part of the reason I wanted to get caught up on my message log on FA... x_x; (Which I finally did today, go me!)

We're gonna have a great time together! <3 I'm sure there'll be a lot of fun to be had, plus having an opportunity to meet her family (after she got to meet mine) will be nice as well. We'll be able to go shopping for some Christmas presents together (not spending a lot of money of course XD), play some video games, go all sorts of places, cook together, man, so much more, so much more. X3

Also, I did recently tell Fluff about my account here... She knows what FA is and its implications. I would up writing her a letter explaining all of my thoughts and fears and stuff... It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to be honest. ^^; I'm a very shy, reserved person; no one that I know in person knows about what I draw or even that I'm a writer... I've kept it all to myself for my entire life. :( I prefer it that way, but still, that's why it took a lot of courage on my part, and she's such a huge Pokemon fan that I wasn't sure how it would go. ^^;

She didn't say anything for quite awhile, leading me to kinda worry and stuff... I mean, you know, she was still being extremely nice and friendly as ever rather than the "WE NEED TO TALK" (which I guess would have been good or bad now that I think of it lol) I feared. But she did say she thought my digital art was very cute and I've gotten good at it, plus she said it "didn't change anything," so I'll keep those words at heart. :3 FA doesn't show porn or anything if you're not logged in, but I didn't really try to hide the fact that I do that sorta stuff in my art and writing, so at least she hopefully accepts that about me. ^^;

Even though she sorta knows now, I'm not going to be signing onto FA while I'm spending the holidays with her. It'll be simpler that way. I want to focus all of my attention on her during this time because she's so important to me and I'm sure you guys will all be just fine. ^^;

I'll miss you all, though! I hope you have a good time and a Merry Christmas without me! ^^ (Or Happy ___insert holiday you celebrate here___ to you instead XD) I might do Christmas-y things when I get back, since it's too early and I'm out of time to really do anything, although I don't know if I'll have the stamina to draw stuff for literally everyone. ^^;

I will see if I can at least do some art for the four short stories I have on queue and upload those before I go, now that I have my whole tablet situation mostly figured out. Mostly. Then you'll at least have some stuff you can read in the meanwhile. ^^;

Alright well that's all I'm gonna say for now. Like I said, I'll probably leave one last "I'm gone" journal before I hit the big ol' Log Out button for a few weeks. XD

So I managed to break the 50,000 word mark again, even after that little snafu with OpenOffice.org Writer. Not by much, really, but I at least broke it and that's still quite the accomplishment.

My word count currently sits at 50,575. My original goal for November was 70,000 words, and I think the story, Lost to Love, will actually be around 75,000 or 80,000 total. But you know, I've been struggling so much on Chapter 8. This story is an anti-love story at first, where the characters are not like typical characters and try to refrain from falling in love for each other. There needs to be a catalyst that changes their feelings. I've gone back and forth with countless different ideas and possibilities ― many are plausible and would work ― but I haven't yet found the one that really sings perfect. I don't want to skimp on the characters. I don't want to skimp on what they should feel, particularly just to achieve that goal. Rushing won't make the story any better, and I would rather have a good story.

What I'm going to do instead is effectively end my NaNoWriMo run for now. I might give anyone looking to help give input or help with proofreading a copy of Lost to Love up to Chapter 8, you know, if you're up to it or anything. I will probably take a break for awhile until I can come back to the story with a fresh muse and a renewed sense of inspiration. Just send me a note or let me know in a comment here. The best way is probably by Google Docs and using comments or something (I think you can do that), but otherwise the old fashioned e-mail thingy works okay.

Tomorrow, instead of writing Lost to Love, I'm going to make an effort to pump out a ton of words writing whatever the heck I feel like. I'll probably start with my obligations on the 15 Story Challenge and try to get those all finished up. Then, I really, really want to continue writing Fleeting Friendship. I've been missing that story so much lately and all of the writing I've done on Lost to Love has really been giving me a lot of inspiration... Like, a lot. :O

Oh yeah, and by the way, I'm gonna continue using OpenOffice.org Writer, despite my previous complaints with it. I've tried several other writing programs and each one has problems with it. KWord has a perfectly matching word count to NaNoWriMo.org, but it's weird and has some goofy sidebar on the side. Abiword was even more off than OOo Writer. Google Docs sounded great at first, but it takes soooooo long for me to load all of the story so I can continue writing that, so it's not really practical anymore, and it's just kinda laggy for me, too. So guess that leaves a vanilla text editor or going back to OOo Writer. I'm going back to OOo Writer, and, rather than using curly quotes (which was what caused the inconsistency due to an odd counting mechanism), I'm using one curly quote at the end of a quote, and then I have the starting quote (which was the one giving me a problem) be just a normal quote. Then I can Find & Replace whenever I'm ready to publish the story. It looks a little uglier to me, but it at least works, so that's good.

Yeah, so, that's what's been going on. I'm on vacation on a little solitary retreat and have the whole place to myself, giving me more than enough privacy and control of my time to write at my leisure. That's why I'm hoping to pump out a lot of words this week, heheh...

It's very frustrating to me that there's such a glaring flaw in my writing program of choice, OpenOffice.org Writer, but it's unfortunately a reality that I discovered today after reading on NaNoWriMo about how it does a terrible job at counting words properly.

The problem lies in how the program counts smart quotes (curly quotes, sexed quotes, etc.) Basically, those are the fancier quotes that contain dialogue. There is a bug that's been around for a long time in OOo Writer that counts the beginning curly quote as a word. Presumably single quotes and apostrophes suffer from a similar problem.

What this means is that I'm only at about 48,600~ words now rather than the 50,040. I was expecting somewhat of a discrepancy, but that's really ridiculous and infuriating knowing how much I've relied on a word count figure to keep me updated on my progress, only to find out that, due to some stupid error in counting that's apparently been around for ages, all of the tracking and word counting I've done have gone completely out the window as far as accuracy goes.

It's like an artist finding out that his or her ink fades after only three weeks rather than three or four years like they may have thought, leading to a gross distortion of the very art you created.

Now, granted, it doesn't actually affect any of my stories at all. It's not like it should make that much of a difference, and, chances are, there is only a 2% to 3% inflation on any of the stories I've written (which sadly means I didn't technically break 30,000 for the first 6 months). The stories are still there and still pretty good, but it's just sad for me because it means I have to reevaluate everything when it comes to getting a more accurate count.

One option would be to use OOo Writer but use only flat, single "quotes." These are definitely the most compatible and they are the quotes you use on your keyboard without any special instruction, but it just looks more professional using the curly ones. I could also use another program, which is probably what I will end up doing, but I'd need to make sure it doesn't suffer from a similar problem and can also automatically insert the special quotes that I like. Finally, there's the option of writing everything on Google Docs, which does offer pretty accurate word counting and does have support for the curly quotes I want, but I'm always nervous writing things solely online (yeah, I can make backups) and there's a slim chance Google may think I'm violating their Terms of Service since I'm writing about "animals" "doing things." I wouldn't want to be promoting sex with animals by posting Trainer on Pokemon stories, now, would I? =/ Then they could potentially shut me down which would suck because that's where I keep all of my e-mail. Although the ability for people to view it while I'm writing it or for proofreaders or betas to fix things collaboratively could be kind of neat.

Eh, I don't know, I'm just kind of a little upset about that, and rather than spending the evening writing the words to recoup my losses, I'm going on here to complain about it, lol. Oh the irony, right? Ah well.

If you're outraged by this as well, I urge you to look into another alternative all the same until this error is sorted out. There are only a billion editors out there (I use Ubuntu instead of Windows or Mac, though, so my options are different), so I'm sure there's probably a better one I could use instead.

Okay, now I'm gonna try get to work, once I can get past this little blip of writer's block I've been suffering from today. :x

I've been busy this month with a lot of things, but one of the most important of them to me is participating for my third straight year in NaNoWriMo, which is basically a goal of writing a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. It's about all I talk about come this time of year, so any of you that know me know that I was excited about.

Tonight I managed to cross the 50,000 word threshold, landing at 50,040 before calling it quits for the night. That makes me a NaNoWriMo Winner for the third year in a row as well, which I'm pretty proud of.

However, my journey doesn't stop there. My goal for this November is actually 70,000 words. It was my goal from the get go because I felt like challenging myself and I'm still confident I'll be able to reach it before the month's end. That's when I'll really be able to celebrate!

What am I writing, you ask? It's called Lost to Love, which is actually a sequel to one of my favorite stories, A Friend Indeed. Although it is a sequel, I stress that it can also be read as a completely independent story; it's not an in-your-face sequel. It might be fun to read A Friend Indeed before I finish this to get familiar with it, but it's certainly not necessary, so don't worry.

Sadly, I'm not quite as impressed with the story as I am in regards to the previous two NaNoWriMo stories I've written ― Fleeting Friendship and Waning Heart. Fleeting Friendship is still my favorite story of all I've written, which is why it has taken me such a long time to work on finishing, because I really want to be in a groove for it while writing. It's still a cute story, though, starring a little female Poochyena named Pochi and her trials and tribulations involving friendship and fearing love. I've never written an anti-love story before, where the main character is very afraid of it, so that is already a twist. Eh, I don't know, I'm going to keep writing it until I get to 70,000, but there's a chance I may force it through some serious revision before releasing it.

Yeah, so that's pretty much where I'm at right now. I have a lot of catching up to do...

Yep, it's that time of year again. This will be my third year participating in NaNoWriMo. I came across it back in 2008, when I decided, sure, hey, why not, I'll try write 50,000 words in a month. That turned out to be a good decision and was helped me get around to writing what I still consider to be my best story, Fleeting Friendship. I met the 50,000 word goal that month and am still working on writing Fleeting Friendship to this day (yeah, I know, I should have finished it awhile ago x_x).

2009 brought a lot of emotion to it in November, so I pumped out Waning Heart then. It was a very emotional story to write, starting off very painful but then gradually growing to be happy. I enjoyed writing it. :3 I finished that in January of this year, filling up 114k+ words and 16 chapters ― so much that I decided to ultimately split it into two stories: Waning Heart and Waxing Moon.

Now November is finally here again. Though I had a solid showing as far as writing stamina goes earlier in the year, as a part of my monthly 30,000 word goal (which I met for the first 6 months!), I've recently run out of steam. Yeah, you know how that whole falling in love story goes. X3 <3 But I'm hoping I can get my mojo back in gear and slam down some serious story action this November! ^^

Last year, I had a few friends participate in NaNoWriMo along with me! It was actually fun not doing it on my own. This year, it looks like some of my buds are up for round 2, but I was curious if there's anyone else interested in participating this year? :3

If you do want to participate, you can find out more on the NaNoWriMo site:
http://www.nanowrimo.org

In a nutshell, it's basically just about setting a goal of writing 50,000 words or more in a brand new story or novel during the month of November alone. All you really need to do is write and then validate your word count (or enter it based on what Word/OpenOffice/etc. says) on their site and then it will even keep track of your progress for you! ^^ It's not like you have to post it anywhere as you go, and yes, if you want to, you can write porn (I did lol).

If you do join, or if you're already on there, you should totally add me to your buddies on there :3
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/435634

That's my page thingy~ I'll also be updating my progress and stuff here, too, with my usual little progress bar things. It'll be a lot of fun! My personal goal for the month is 70,000+ words as opposed to the standard 50,000, but I'll take what I can get. :3 (And you should shoot for 50,000, but even if you want to make a smaller goal, it will be worth your while!)

I'd love to hear if you're participating this year. :3

Anyway, I've been going back and forth on three different ideas for this year's story. It's been driving me insane! The first idea I had was a sequel to A Friend Indeed, since I did have plans to write one, but after struggling to think of just how I want to write it, I started thinking of a new idea instead. That idea involved an elaborate adventure with epic themes and stuff, but I started having second thoughts on that one, too, so now I'm considering a much simpler themed story that will be an enjoyable read nonetheless. ^^ It was actually an idea I had back in August ― even started writing it, or at least a scrap of it ― but I never really took it anywhere. Now I really want to write it though, so I probably will!

Haha decisions, decisions. XD I might post about the three ideas I'm debating on, or I might just go with whatever one I've decided on anyway, haha. Whatever the case, it's gonna be really nice adding another main series story to my arsenal. I hope you will enjoy reading it when it is done! And, just so it's clear, this year's story will be HAPPY. I mean, it's not going to be some emotional rollercoaster, but it will be primarily happy rather than sad. That's part of my challenge this year too, haha.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say, really. X3

A lot of you said a lot of kind words in support of my friend, as well as opened up about some of your own problems. It's a complicated world, to say the least...

By request, though, that friend of mine has requested I remove the previous journal. That's why it's gone. And I respect his wishes. Don't worry, it was nothing any of you said or anything like that. I'm sorry if I got any of your hopes up, but I care a lot about him and that's why I complied.

Thank you, though, for everything. I'll continue to wish him the best and hope for a lot of things... And I also wish you all the best as well.

I've been so busy with a lot of stuff lately, so I haven't really been on FA all that much. I haven't written anything or even drawn anything really this month because of this... You have my apologies, anyone who was looking forward to my stories and art; I'm just on hiatus at the moment.

Fluff, my girlfriend, is flying out here tomorrow and is going to be staying with me for over a week. ^^

I don't really know what more needs to be said about that, actually, haha. I've been cleaning almost non-stop this week and the last in an attempt to tidy things up for her. My folks' house is notoriously messy, so it's been quite the endeavor, but it will be well worth it.

Even if it were a mess, it's okay, I'm not worried about being perfect around her. She doesn't make me feel like I need to be or act a certain way. I can be myself around her (for the most part) comfortably. But, hey, at the very least it's been a good motivation to clean up a bit. :p

I've never really been in a situation quite like this before, actually. We're both very excited about meeting each other for the first time. We've known each other for over four years! :3 To think that we're now in a relationship with each other... it's really sweet.

I'm not worried about doing anything wrong or messing up, but, well, I'm still somewhat nervous about coming across as a good boyfriend... I am her first, at that. ^^; I can't let my shyness hold me back from taking initiative, because I shouldn't expect her to, but it's just difficult for me. ^^; It isn't really the outcome I'm worried about, but just taking that initiative in the first place that's getting me jittery. I don't want to be too shy, but I also don't want to be too presumptuous either.

For all of the love stories I've written, I don't really have all that much experience myself in the matter. Especially in person. It's always been one of those things I've hoped for. Now that this love story I'm living is entering a new chapter, I'm not sure what will happen on the next page... I'm only a co-author in this story, after all. ^^;

At least one thing that I am very confident in is just how great of a person she is. She makes me happier than anything else, she's so intelligent and funny, someone I get along extremely well with, a huge nerd like myself, a fellow lover of Pokemon (though I don't think quite on my... level, so to speak <_<), and just an all around great person. I don't feel in constant fear of messing up around her. I don't feel anything bad around her at all, really. A little guilty due to keeping my writing and mature art from her, but even that I will tell her in time (and I hope she understands...).

Anyway, I guess this means goodbye for a week or so. Tonight will be my last night on for awhile. I'll try catch up a little bit, but then I've gotta lock down the computer, clear cookies and switch to a clean Firefox profile, block access to my personal Zeph folder, and finish cleaning in the morning in preparation for her arrival. Not sure when, exactly, I'll be back, but I hope that you'll all do just fine without me. :3

Thank you for your support, everyone. I mean that. I wouldn't have gotten to this point without all of you backing me. It's truly amazing to think that I have so many friends and acquaintances cheering me on, even ones I don't even know. I'm not really a writer or an artist by profession... I just do it for fun. There's just a pretty shy nerd behind all of these words and images you see. And now, thanks to your support, this nerd has been given a chance to finally make himself happy rather than focus on everyone else's happiness.

It's nearly the end of the month and, unfortunately, I only have six stories completed. As posted in one of the recent stories I uploaded, I dropped the goal from 15 stories to 10 stories for the month, since they were ending up being about 4k+ words on average. Don't worry, though; I do promise that I will make sure that I write exactly 15 of the stories that have been suggested to me during July ― no more, no less. It just might be in August or September. :p

I guess a lot of the reason I've been so aloof lately when it comes to writing is that my goals and writing have really been more of a crutch than anything else, something to help guide me through the depression I've been suffering from. It's been that one goal I've made a point of sticking to in order to hold onto something.

That crutch is no longer necessary... after countless months of trying to hold onto hope, that slight glimmer grew into a dazzling sparkle, shining brightly right in front of me. My heart is beating again... and beating alongside someone else's. Someone very dear and very special to me, a long-time friend who I'm now sharing a really happy relationship with. :3

"Fluff," as I call her (as a nickname for FA), is now the little Buneary of my dreams. <3 She makes this Buizel so unbelievably happy. I'm not going to go on with all of the details or anything, but I will just say that I'm very happy right now. It's just such an indescribable feeling being truly and absolutely happy again for the first time in months...

It has taken a toll on my stories and productivity, but she is more important to me (sorry guys), and this month has been really important for our relationship. :3 I guess that's a goal that superseded my writing one. ^^; Sorry about that, but I will make up for it somehow. A happy Zeph is a good Zeph.

One thing that I'm still really worried about is that Fluff, although being a pretty big fan of Pokemon, doesn't know that I'm... well, you know, "into" it. She's not really a shiny Buneary... nor is her name really Fluff. That's just a way for me to express my adoration for her here, because I'm expressive through my art... I know that there will probably come a day that I'll need to tell her, but I'm really nervous about it... I just hope, Fluff, that if and when you do read this, you understand and love me all the same. ^^;

Yeah, well I just figured I'd give you all an update why I've been unproductive but have been changing my avatar, status, and other little details here and there lately. Hehe. :3

It's now officially July. I set a goal six months ago that I was going to shoot for writing 30,000 words across any of my stories every month. Every month, I've met that goal, which is pretty sweet and means that I've written 180,000 words so far this year. Not too shabby!

However, because I've been able to meet both that and my art goal of 15 drawings a month every month (well, I missed the art goal by 3 this month, but I blame a flash animation for that), I've decided that I'm going to do things differently this month to help shake things up.

My goal for July is to write 15 short stories from your ideas!
The length of these stories will be between 2000 and 3000 words, which will send me past my 30,000 word goal that I usually set. I'll also be doing art on the side, but probably not specifically for the stories unless I get bored or want to draw them.

I need ideas, suggestions, concepts, and all that jazz!
This is where you come in. I'm not going to be coming up with any of the ideas this month (unless things go drastically awry) ― you are. Yep, you. If you want, that is. I want you to post your ideas, concepts, pairings, sex acts, etc. as a reply to this journal in the format I'll be providing to you. This isn't a first-come first-serve deal, and I may or may not like or use your idea, but you're welcome to come up with literally as many ideas as you'd like so I can write the ones I like the best.

That sounds exciting, Zeph! How do I play?
First things first, you must read the rules before filling out the template! This contains all of the stuff that I will not do or will not even acknowledge, so unless you want to waste both of our time, read it and follow it. :3

Then it's just a matter of filling out your ideas and posting a reply. I won't reply unless there's a question, I really like your idea, or I'm working on the story. And you can leave as many replies as you want, with one or more ideas per reply (just do NOT reply to your own post to add another idea ― start a new reply).

Sound good? Get ready for the rules, then!

THE OFFISHUL ROOLS
• Only Pokemon-themed stories will be written! Don't suggest anything non-Pokemon-related.
• Absolutely no crossovers at all (no Pokemon/Digimon, etc.).
• No original characters, like, you know, your own character or your Pokesona. This also includes any fake Pokemon. I don't want to write about you, I want to write a story.
• Definitely no Pokemons that can magically talk to humans or humans that can magically talk to Pokemons. It doesn't matter how "strong their bond" is. Brief, general understanding is cool, but just not like coherent communication. (Exceptions would be psychic Pokemon, which I'm a little more lenient on.)
• None of the following Pokemon or characters on this list: Riolu/Lucario, Ralts/Kirlia/Gardevoir/Gallade, Lopunny (Buneary is good), Ash's Pikachu, Ash, or any Kanto Gym Leader.
• No human x human stuff, unless it is not the main pairing and is a vital role to the plot.
• I will write male x female, male x male, female x female, or pretty much any combination and of whatever quantity, so don't be shy, as long as it makes sense for the story. No herms, though, sorry.
• I may not write weird fetishes, though I am more than willing to try stuff as long as it can be written easily. I will not write stuff like scat, inflation, or vore; I will write stuff like rape, incest, cub, or dominance/submission. You can go ahead and try ask for anything, but understand I may not go with it.
• Lastly, please do remember, I am a romance writer, not a smut writer. Even though my stories contain sex, I am much happier writing love stories than just pure smut fests. That's not to say I won't, but, you know, think with more than your dick when making a suggestion.

Sorry it's a little lengthy, but, well, you know, just want to give you an idea of what ideas to come up with while keeping the chances of pissing me off to a minimum. :P

I've read the rules... now what do I dooooo?
Good job! Now all that's left for you to do is think of some ideas that would fit for that, including the species, genders, setting, and rough (or detailed) idea of the plot. You can come up with as much or as little as you'd like; if you just have an interesting pairing idea, like Squirtle M x Bulbasaur F, but you aren't that creative, hey, maybe I'll like the pairing and can come up with my own spin on it. But if you want to go into all of the details and such, be my guest. I'll probably be covering the names, but if you have ideas for names (which means I can override them if I don't like them), you can suggest them, too.

Once you've thought of an idea or two, copy and paste what's in the quote box below, fill in the stuff if you've thought of it, and then post it as a reply here.

Characters: (fill in each character plus gender here)
Pairings: (who mates/sexes who?)
Sex Acts: (fill in sex acts you want to see here)
Character Info:
(fill in each character's bio, personality, etc. here; optional)
Other Details for the Story:
(fill in as much or as little backstory, plot, or information as you'd like here)
Feel free to expand or elaborate on that if you'd like, but that should at least give you a general idea of what you need to post.

Remember, I like creativity, but I don't like to go overboard and I also need to fit it within 3000 words, so that's like one or two sex acts with a little backstory before the main show.

Hopefully this doesn't end up being a disaster and turns into being a fun challenge. Go to town, then, and let's see how this goes. :3

I don't know why I do ambitious stuff like this, but last night I really wanted to draw some porn, so I drew some Colby x Swiss because it was really long since overdue. But as I was drawing them, I didn't just want to settle there, so now I'm working on a really sweet flash animation of the two of them.

It's nearly finished, at least for the main loop. I'm not sure if I want to invest the extra time in adding different paces or a climax or anything, or just go with the pretty standard endless loop sort of thing. I probably won't be doing extra poses because that means redrawing and reanimating, and I'm sorta only getting credit for one art piece with this, so I'd rather it didn't take too long.

I'll probably have it up in a few days when it's finished.

As for other news, I'm still stalled on Fleeting Friendship and debating whether or not I should even rewrite that part or not. The two people I've shown the original chapter to seem to agree that it goes somewhat out of character, so maybe I'm really better off reevaluating things entirely and going with a completely different route than I was planning. I actually thought of an idea in the back of my mind while I was writing the original that's a lot tamer and more inline with Colby's personality, so maybe I'll play around with thinking about that and seeing where it goes from there. Most importantly, I want the story to be good and believable rather than having readers doubt the characters and personalities I've worked so hard to maintain. It's important to me to get it right.

Anyhow, I did get a lot of writing done today on Starting in the Lab - Sinnoh. Just over 7,000 words, bringing me to about 12.4k for the month ― which, believe it or not, is more than I've written at this point than in any other month (although I need to keep up the pace to keep up with the previous months). Yeah, I fired that up, but I'm really pretty happy with the mix of characters in it. It's vaguely reminiscent of the Hoenn installment due to there being a character in it you really don't like, but other than that, it certainly stands on its own two feet and separates itself from the rest of the installments, which is always what I strive for.

I actually have the first chapter written, which worked out to be pretty short but also a really good spot to start a new chapter at, so I'm guessing that Sinnoh will be another 3 chapter story, although shorter in total length than Hoenn. Hmm, but that does entail me drawing some Chimchar before I can go ahead and post the first chapter. Maybe sometime heheh.

Also, I don't want to hold my breath, but... there's a chance that things may be looking up for me. It's going to be another very difficult struggle in the pursuit of love, but as some I don't even know said to me, I refuse to resign myself. I refuse to give up. Again, I'm not holding my breath, but I'll let you know if things improve... I'm actually holding onto hope again. I just know where that hope tends to lead, heheh.

Yep, I want to accomplish this month's goals, arrrrgh. If I do, it'll be half a year straight. Anyone keep their New Year's Resolutions for that long?

I'm both upset and relieved, because for some reason all of the submissions I had to go through vanished, like I hit Nuke or something, but there wasn't a confirmation for me. Damned phones.

Yeah uh, at least that's less to catch up on. I'm wading through other stuff now on my phone since I'm out and about and bored.

Now I just need to catch up on my goals for this month. Ugh work. Ugh. I'll just try harder. Writer's block hasn't helped either lol.

Oh yeah, and I'm gonna be napping when I get home, but I'll be on sometime late tonight I'm sure in case any of you missed me.

So five months have come and gone, and the goals I've set for each have them have been successfully accomplished thanks to the hard work and dedication I've invested towards accomplishing them. Right now, it's one of the main things in my life making me proud, simply the fact that I've been able to stick to this. Even though I've been down about a lot of stuff lately, it's sort of one thing that I keep feeling positive about, because if I can show that level of dedication for a goal like this, what else can I show my dedication for? Or rather who else, ya know?

Heh. Anyway, this month I'm going to be proceeding as usual. I'm hoping to finish writing Middle of Nowhere Ch. 15, Breaking the Ice Ch. 2, and do that rewrite of Fleeting Friendship Ch. 10. In addition to that, I finished the first chapter of my newest story, Deserted, today, although I'm going to be holding that off until I've written a few chapters in case I need to go back and change earlier details. That will probably be my main focus this month, because I am really loving that story. It's got some cute characters and it's touching on a whole new range of emotions than any of my previous stories. It will definitely be a lot lighter than any of the other three I listed, but it will have its own sad elements to it, too. You'll hopefully really feel for the main character, Gale, as she watches her best friend fall for her other friend and finds herself powerless to do anything about it. That's the premise, at least.

What about July, though? Well, I've got a kinda neat idea for July, actually. Rather than making my goal 30,000 words, I'm going to change it to 15 short stories instead. They'll each be between 2,000 and 3,000 words long. And they'll all be porn.

I'm going to be taking suggestions and ideas, writing about some of the pairings that I find interesting or think would be fun to write about.

DO NOT MAKE REQUESTS IN THIS JOURNAL!
I will be making a new journal later this month which will be specifically for that purpose.
ANY REQUESTS MADE HERE WILL BE IGNORED 100%!

Saying that, I'm still milling over the details, but I'm expecting it to be something like:
• Pokemon series stuff only (Pokemon, Trainers, Coordinators, Humans that are in the Pokemon world)
• No crossovers at all
• No original characters
• No Pokemon that magically have the ability to talk to humans or humans that magically have the ability to talk to Pokemon
• None of these Pokemon: Riolu or Lucario; Gardevoir, Gallade, Kirlia, or Ralts; Ash's Pikachu
• Restrictions on some fetishes that I don't want to write
• If you suggest any of this stuff, it's gonna be auto-ignored and not even gonna get a reply to your message because you fail and can't read the rules.

I think it'll be kinda fun and interesting, because I need to do some stuff to spice up my challenges. I just hope this doesn't totally backfire lol.

So yeah, go ahead and think of some ideas, but just don't bug me about them until I make a journal here stating that I'm taking them, otherwise you're just going to get a lot of blank stares and irritated eyebrows looking right at your overeager face. :3

Just thought I'd sort of bring anyone interested up to speed on what has happened to this story I haven't updated in literally a year and a half... or a year since I posted it, rather.

Chapters 8, 9, and 10 are all written. I kid you not. I managed to get some excellent help with proofreading and spotchecking by  Nogard and  EtherealFrog (thank you very much for your help on them! ^^), at least for Chapters 8 and 9. I just finished 10 today and, well, wow, ha... I'll just say that.

I'm honestly hoping that these upcoming chapters will be some of the finest pieces of writing that I've done, capturing a wide range of emotion (there's sex, too, don't worry <3) and really emphasizing the characters. I don't really get this way over a lot of my work, but Fleeting Friendship is the one that I really want to get right. It's not a cuddly, happy story, but hopefully a very real and lasting one. That's why I've waited for so long; I wanted to make sure that I got them right ― you know, didn't just force myself into it and stuff.

One plot element might get changed entirely because it's just so out there that I couldn't even believe I wrote that, but, well... I don't know, I'll just have to see.

I still need to draw thumbnail art for those chapters, which is the main thing holding me back. But it will be worth the wait.

If you haven't read Fleeting Friendship and would like to read what I consider to be my flagship story, now would be a great time to read it. But I'll warn you ― it is an absolute emotional rollercoaster ride, so if you're looking for a happy story, don't read it, but if you want a story that literally follows a Buizel and his friends from a really young age all the way up to adulthood, along with some stuff along the way, well, that's probably what you're gonna get, heheh.

Um, yeah, I'll probably also be uploading Brother's Bond tomorrow, because it's finished and I'm not quite as meticulous. It's mostly a fap fest. I might also just go ahead and upload Starting in the Lab - Hoenn Ch. 1 & 2 while I work on finishing Ch. 3 (yes, it actually needed 3 chapters <_<). But I also need art for that. Oh, and I might even proofread Breaking the Ice and upload the first chapter as a teaser for you all.

It sucks that I looked back and saw virtually no stories uploaded over the past few months ― I've been writing, but just not uploading. Dang! So let's fix that.

Yep, that's just what I wanted to say. Hopefully I'll still be able to meet my goal this month. I think I can probably do it, which will satisfy me to no end. :3

Okay, so it's officially been four full months since I set that whole goal thing for myself. That means that there's been a full four months (well, you know, February is a little twit of a month) of 2010 so far. That also means that the year is one-third over already. Wow!

Well, thankfully that's been one of those New Year's Resolutions I've actually stuck to. It's been really helpful to me and has helped make sure that I'm very productive when it comes to art and writing.

This year, I have already drawn more completed art (i.e., not mere doodles) than I have for all of 2009... and 2008... and 2007... combined. 60 pieces. On the dot. And that's not including any doodles that I've drawn, either; no, everything must have a background and be inked in order to qualify. That's pretty sweet! But really, above being sweet and all, I have noticed an improvement in my art over these months. I went from doing mostly flat art in Flash to doing some pretty nice stuff in this month specifically.

I'm usually pretty hard on myself, but by practicing and sticking to my goal, I have gotten better. By trying new things and focusing on fulfilling that goal, I have a motivation to draw, which means I actually do it. Sure, I could just draw the same style for those 15 drawings each month and pump them out quickly (*cough avatars cough*), but the reason I set the goal in the first place was so I could get better. That's why I am proud that I can see a change.

Not only that, but I now have a pretty good rhythm when it comes to drawing things. X3 Very streamlined. Do a doodle either in pencil or in Flash (with a light blue brush + pressure sensitivity), then do the lineart in Flash with just the right settings and such, basic coloring in Flash, then send it over to Photoshop where I saved two brush presets to apply a nice layer of shading. Then just blend it together with the Smudge tool, add some highlights, use the Smudge tool again, and then add the background. Voila!

It's cool to be able to find your style and then watch it evolve. I thought I had my style at the beginning of the year, but I've taken it and built upon it, finding ways to make it look nicer (I hope!).

And that's just the art side. In addition to the 60 drawings I've done, I also wrote over 120,000 words in these past four months! Wowza! At the beginning of the year, I finished up the final chapter of Waxing Moon, finished Chapter 13 of Middle of Nowhere (after nearly a year), and then started up the Starting in the Lab series. Here's a quick summary of what I have written story wise, aside from word counts:
• Waxing Moon Ch. 16
• Middle of Nowhere Ch. 13 and 14 (plus about 50% of Ch. 15*)
• Starting in the Lab - Kanto
• Starting in the Lab - Johto
• 70% of Starting in the Lab - Hoenn*
• 2~ chapters of Breaking the Ice*
• Fleeting Friendship Ch. 8* and Ch. 9*
• 50% of Brother's Bond*
(* haven't posted these yet)

That's pretty sweet! Plus I've been keeping a log of my word counts, what stories I worked on, etc. I even made a cool chart thing that shows me my progress each month and compares it to all of the previous months! I might upload it sometime as a scrap if I get bored. It's funny how consistent it is, though!

Eh, heh, anyway, I've yapped on for quite awhile. I guess the point is that by setting these goals and focusing my hardest on sticking to them... I've stuck to them. For four months. By sticking to my goals, I've improved my art, my stories, and I believe myself.

I strongly encourage any of you reading this, for this month of May, to consider setting a goal for yourself. Something that you know you are capable of doing, but something that you will actually do. Keep track of your progress for the month. Then, at the end of the month, see where you're at. Remember, anything's possible ― go ahead and look where I was at March if you need proof of that. XD But the most important thing is just sticking to it and believing in your ability to do it, because the only one that can accomplish them ― as well as the only one that can choose not to do them ― is you.

Happy May, everyone.

You know that feeling you have when you come up with some really powerful ideas for something creative, like a story or a drawing, but you have to wait forever until you can actually get to that point? Like some far off, distant plot arc? You writers will probably know what I'm talking about.

Well, in two of the current stories I'm working on, Middle of Nowhere and Fleeting Friendship, I am finally about to write some of the scenes that I have been waiting to write for well over a year on each story. Two totally separate, unrelated scenes, but two scenes that I have wanted to write for a very, very long time.

I have about half of Middle of Nowhere Ch. 15 written as well as almost all of Fleeting Friendship Ch. 9 done.

I can tell you already that Fleeting Friendship Ch. 9 and, later, Ch. 10 are going to be the most emotional chapters I have written in any of my stories, ever. Now that I'm writing in it again, I'm reminded as to why I love that story so much...

Looks like I'm getting back on track for my goals this month. I have sketches lined up to complete and have just a mere 7.5k words left to write. I don't feel too stressed about it, especially because I have so many options of things to write for that last bit.

Yeah, so I have alluded to a secret project in the works earlier this month and I've been gradually chipping away at it. I actually blame my lack of writing on it.

What could be that important, you ask? Well, honestly, it's probably not really all that important. I just think it's kind of neat. It's a Wiki of all of my characters, stories, locations... etc. You know, stuff like that.

I've been entering information on literally ALL of my characters I have ever introduced, entering information on literally ALL of my stories, and then adding a bunch of other stuff. I haven't written the majority of the text in it, like overviews and stuff, but I do have the data there at least. And I've been adding pictures for all of the characters that I can, too, trying to include my own art for it all.

I'm calling it the Zephyrpedia because it's a totally vain name for a totally vain project. :B

Bored? Here are some screenshots of it. Be wary of spoilers!
• The Front Page
• Tango's Page
• Waxing Moon

They're blurry and all, but who cares, they're just supposed to be teaser pics anyway.

Yeah, so unfortunately I don't really have like a host or anything to host them at. I'm running it locally on my computer, which I don't really want to convert into a server haha. Free Wikis suck for the most part. There may be porn on it, so it's not like most web hosts would allow it anyway. I'm at a loss. So for now it's just sort of one of those little pet projects of mine.

In other words, I finished Chapter 8 of Fleeting Friendship last week. It still needs to be edited and proofread, which I will do early next month because I'm pretty behind for writing this month and need to focus on that. Anyone interested in proofreading or prescreening it, well, I'll be willing to send it to you via e-mail if you send me a Note with your e-mail address. I don't really want to upload it to my scraps at all because people will think that's like the final version and spend their "omg awesome tsory 5/5++" comments there instead of... well... eh.

I don't know. I think I'll write some more in the morning, but I haven't settled on what yet. I've got four stories I'm juggling right now: Middle of Nowhere, Fleeting Friendship, Starting in the Lab - Hoenn, and Breaking the Ice. I should probably finish Starting in the Lab - Hoenn so that way I will have gotten one done each month.

Anyhow, I also uploaded some stuff to my scraps. They're just some doodles that will probably get colored before the end of the month so I can use them towards my goal.

Sleep time. This poor, sick, under-the-weather Buizel needs to get some rest. :(

Somehow, despite how impossible it seemed just two nights ago, I did it.

I wrote over 19,000 words in the past two days, all of it on Starting in the Lab - Hoenn. I didn't add all that much to it today, but I did get a chance to elaborate on one more character's inner workings, meaning that, throughout the course of the story, you'll really get a feel for all three of the main characters.

Emphasizing on their backgrounds and histories is a twist not really touched on in the first two Starting in the Lab stories, but it is a huge factor in this one.

There's also lots of buttsex in it. Just so you know.

But putting that aside, not only did I finish the writing goal for this month, I managed to pull off my art goal as well.

After writing about 3600 words in the morning and afternoon, after putting up with work for several hours, I dove into drawing as much as I could, as quickly as I could.

I did a total of 11 drawings today, most of which were done from old sketches, but since I don't count sketches towards my goal, that's hardly cheating.

I drew all three of the main characters from Starting in the Lab - Hoenn, Atra, Ignis, Leto, and Effloresca from the prequel to Her Biggest Fan (which means Atra is a Sneasel, Ignis is a Combusken, and Effloresca is a Roselia ― fun stuff), and then touched up some older drawings, including two kind of sexy solo female ones. Woohoo.

Right near the end, I was scrambling to find whatever I could draw or color and finish it as quickly as possible. In about an hour and a half, I got done four of those 11 drawings, racing through them as fast as I could. The final drawing that sent me over the edge was, once again, saved at the very last minute ― literally. It just barely made it.

I guess I'll go upload those now. No, Starting in the Lab - Hoenn will not be in there, because it's not yet finished, but I will at least show you the three characters in their traditional icon form.