Besides, you all love to look at pictures of me, right?

I just went through 5 years of notes from people.

A lot changes over the course of 5 years. Countless friends I've lost contact with.
One I knew had passed.
One I didn't know I knew had passed.
Many have vanished.
I've messaged a couple of old friends, maybe they won't be repulsed by the whole "Me pretending to be little" thing.

Many files and pictures sent to me had been deleted by the hosted site.
Many memories came flooding back, many continued downstream.

Sad notes, happy notes, notes of people I didn't expect to still be talking to today.

Check your notes. Check the notes on your old accounts. See who's still around. Say hi to some old friends.

Wow.

Simply wow.

I can’t believe it’s been a year.

So much has happened and I wish you were here so that I could tell you about.. well, everything…

As far as how I act in person, I’m really not an emotional person. Two things have happened in the past year that have genuinely made me cry and feel like I really, like there was something that was actually and genuinely wrong.

The first was exactly a year ago. The loss of one of the people who I held closest, who I do not think I could lie to. Not because I couldn’t but because there would be no situation in which honesty would not be my best option. I knew if I said something mean or rude it would be fine because honesty is what you want from a friend that close.

I don’t express it that much, but I don’t think I’ve gone a week without thinking about you, At first it was every day, and it was a terrible trembling feeling, but eventually I think I came to terms with it and just kind of reflected and had to take a step away to at the very least, remember you.

I’ve always said to people who were grieving that the deceased indivudal truly never “died” so long as they were remembered in the thoughts of those who knew them, and I do not think this could be more true than in the case of you. I think that because I never met you in person you remained just a personality, something strong and stubborn, maybe even as stubborn as I think I am.

..I didn’t expect to be tearing up while writing this, but hey I guess that happens with heavy topics like these, so I’ll try to move on to the lighter and better subjects.

The people I’ve met. Shortly after you passed, and there were people grieving I remember telling whoever I could that you wouldn’t have wanted them to be sad. You would have wanted people to help make others feel better, and so I tried my best. I reached out to people who I felt were hit worse by your passing than me and I think that level of comfort never really spread as much as I hoped it would. I’ll try to continue keeping things positive on this year and any anniversary that comes in the future.

I’ve made so many friends over the past year. I.. The people I’ve met just in passing when talking about you are great. The people who I call my friends who knew you, whether I met them through you or just happened that we both knew you; those people are how I’m going to remember you.

Even if I alone can’t carry on your memory, I hope to be able to share your memories with friends, maybe even eventually to people who had never met you just to show how much you meant to me and the community.

This day will always be a bittersweet one for me.
This day is the anniversary of life for one extremely close friend, and death for another.
I don’t know how to react, honestly.

I want to be all out and excited to celebrate Zinky’s birthday
I want to be thoughtful and reflective in memory of Sesame.

I want to look to the future, to new beginnings and extensions of relationships currently held.
I want to look back on the past, to relive the moments that have made me who I am today.

But we can’t get caught up on looking behind us, it’ll stop us from seeing where we’re going in the future.



...I still can’t believe it’s been a whole year.
I love you, man. And I miss you so much still.

Ripped directly from alternate account:  kittysune

This time yesterday, if you asked me who my favorite furries were, I would say  zinky and  sesamebun (even if he isn't really one.)

These two people have meant the world to me, and I would give an arm and a leg just to make sure they were okay. Unfortunately, that did not happen to be the case.
Today, I heard through a game of telephone that my friend Sesame had passed.
I will be the first to admit that he was not just a friend. He was more than a friend.
Words cannot sum up my admiration for him, so I'll try and go on about how we met and how it impacted me.

I was really bored one day and wanted to meet some new furs. I figured that one as social as him couldn't hurt.
I felt a level of unworthiness as I asked him to talk, it seemed that he was so social he would have no need to talk to me. That I would merely be taking up his time and space.
Fortunately, I was able to coerce a response back from him. We talked about normal things: interests, hobbies, educations, etc.
About a week after just casually talking, I decided to bring up a serious topic at the time. My high school education.
It was around then that I made a realization:
Sesame was not your average furry, he was something more. He was extremely accepting and caring, even if you didn't matter that much to him, he just wanted to make sure you were happy and things were going well with you. He would do what it takes to make sure you're happy.
And it radiated off of him. He emitted happiness. Everywhere he went (to my knowledge) he would be able to find or make a friend. He would light up a room, and even just getting a response from him on Skype made me elated.

Eventually, the serious topics would come more frequently and we would talk for probably hours at a time on serious topics, from politics to human rights. I would often times find myself playing devils advocate just to make sure we would get to keep talking.

One of these topics, was on him discussing his gender dysphoria, and desire to be female. It was probably one of our longest conversations, where I used every example I had to tell him that he was wrong in what he was doing. Somewhere along the line i wasn't sure if I was playing devil's advocate or not. It was the most in depth I'd gone into a debate and I don't think I'll ever be able to do as such again.

However, one night after our long-winded conversations he asked me something in a very serious manner. I do not have the chatlogs with me, but I have a decent recollection of what he had said.

He told me he wanted me to live on as the bunny Sesame after he had left this world, and to just try to keep the ideal of a little social bunny that was innocent and pure. He said it was to become tradition that when one of them has passed, the next in line gets to be Sesame.

In retrospect, I should have told him then that it was a stupid idea, but I was awestruck at the time based on what he was saying.

This was a long time ago. After that, he moved on to the character Lem Ahnayd, and then seemingly vanished for a long while. We didn't talk for had to have been years.
Without a goodbye, I felt unprepared and fearful that he may have passed during this break, and it was not until he came back that I truly understood why he stuck around and listened to me ramble contrary to him for months at a time.
Even though I thought of him as a man with an extreme intellect, he felt the same about me and I was floored by this.

But that's not why I'm making the journal. I'm making it because we all, in fact, will miss Sesame and the things he has done for each of us.

After he came back, I made a joke to him, referencing me being the next Sesame. He didn't dismiss it, but almost actually encouraged it.
That being said, I am unable to take on the role of Sesame, from the original because of things that have happened since.
In the time that he was gone, he married and had a child with at wonderful woman, the light of his life.
I doubt any of our conversation pertained to that, and I would not want in any way to make things troublesome or confusing to Lucca and her son.

There will always, however, be a voice in my head telling me that I need to do it for him, in his honor. I can not, and will not listen to that voice, as cute and tempting the voice of a little bunny is.

Besides, a man with his sense of humor deserves to be honored in death, not mourned.
I know instead of moping about it, he'd much rather you take this as an opportunity to think of all the good that has come from him.
Rest in peace, Sesame. I hope you have a wonderful time in heaven playing with your abundance of OC's.

Love,
Ezra

UGHHHHHHHHH


UGH.