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Fired for the First Time
Posted a week agoSunday, my former employer handed me my final check. More than a year of service and loyalty…and all I got was a ,”good luck.”
Im hoping for better opportunities and choosing to see this as a time of healing and growth. Still, though, first job Ive ever been fired from. Got to say, this sucks.
Im hoping for better opportunities and choosing to see this as a time of healing and growth. Still, though, first job Ive ever been fired from. Got to say, this sucks.
I Stopped Dreaming Long Ago (Vent Journal)
Posted 4 weeks agoHey all. Im sorry to do this, but Im at work right now trying hard not to cry. I just need to get my thoughts and feelings out.
This past weekend, I spent over $1K on car repairs. I was driving to work today and the Check Engine light came on for the exact reason I brought it in: Overheating Engine. Thermostat Not Working. Fact is, I dont have that kind of money so I am paying using a loan service that, if I dont pay in the first 90 days, I pay more than DOUBLE what the mechanics were asking.
Im also stuck at a job in which I am a Med Tech (basically a pill popper for 27 geriatric toddlers who require constant care and need. I am only one member of staff and usually I work alone since we are short staffed. One staff member was arrested for elder abuse, and 2 others quit pretty quickly.) Not to mention that I dont get paid a lot and my manager…well…suffice to say that Im trying to find a better job somewhere else and fast.
…I keep wanting to go back to school or get accreditation or something to boost my life and help my brother
Fortuneotter and I secure a happier life in the future. Most of my family other than him are either dead, not speaking to us, or live a great distance away. I feel trapped and alone and constantly scared out of my mind about how Im going to make everything work out in the end.
I stopped dreaming long ago. I spent and continue to spend so much of my life in survival mode that I stopped asking, “What do you want to do for your future?” Knowing who I am, this is the killing blow. Ive always been ambitious and strived for excellence. Now at 33, I have to encourage myself to get up in the morning and not give up yet. Because at least Fortune is still counting on me. I have no idea what to do, where to go, how to continue. Im drowning and it is getting harder and harder to continue on. Im scared. I feel isolated and alone and there are always more expenses, more questions, more demands…and I am struggling to juggle it all and not overwhelm the few people I can trust that I keep close to in my life. Im spiraling.
I need help.
This past weekend, I spent over $1K on car repairs. I was driving to work today and the Check Engine light came on for the exact reason I brought it in: Overheating Engine. Thermostat Not Working. Fact is, I dont have that kind of money so I am paying using a loan service that, if I dont pay in the first 90 days, I pay more than DOUBLE what the mechanics were asking.
Im also stuck at a job in which I am a Med Tech (basically a pill popper for 27 geriatric toddlers who require constant care and need. I am only one member of staff and usually I work alone since we are short staffed. One staff member was arrested for elder abuse, and 2 others quit pretty quickly.) Not to mention that I dont get paid a lot and my manager…well…suffice to say that Im trying to find a better job somewhere else and fast.
…I keep wanting to go back to school or get accreditation or something to boost my life and help my brother
Fortuneotter and I secure a happier life in the future. Most of my family other than him are either dead, not speaking to us, or live a great distance away. I feel trapped and alone and constantly scared out of my mind about how Im going to make everything work out in the end. I stopped dreaming long ago. I spent and continue to spend so much of my life in survival mode that I stopped asking, “What do you want to do for your future?” Knowing who I am, this is the killing blow. Ive always been ambitious and strived for excellence. Now at 33, I have to encourage myself to get up in the morning and not give up yet. Because at least Fortune is still counting on me. I have no idea what to do, where to go, how to continue. Im drowning and it is getting harder and harder to continue on. Im scared. I feel isolated and alone and there are always more expenses, more questions, more demands…and I am struggling to juggle it all and not overwhelm the few people I can trust that I keep close to in my life. Im spiraling.
I need help.
A Year Ago Vs. 3 (Grief, Celebration, and Choice)
Posted 2 months agoThree years ago, my father passed away. To those of you who say, “Im sorry for your loss,” you should be saying, “oh, congratulations.” Today was my liberation day from a man who did not know how to love in a healthy way.
A year ago, however, we lost
Dragoneer. An honorable and noble man whom our tears are better worth shed. Say what you will about Dragoneer, FA, the administration, etc. But we are here. We are a community. We arent perfect, no one is. But at least instead of punishing, we should educate. Help build rather than destroy. Taking this loss as a means of growing and improving the world around us.
We can become people like my father, who punish and destroy to make ourselves feel better and in control…or we can be like Dragoneer…always learning and trying to better ourselves and our world. The choice is ours. I will do what I can to better myself and others. It isnt always the easiest…or the most popular…and some days it feels like we are going to rage quit…but it will be worth it. At least I like to think so.
LOVE YOU ALL! FURRIES FOREVER MORE!
A year ago, however, we lost
Dragoneer. An honorable and noble man whom our tears are better worth shed. Say what you will about Dragoneer, FA, the administration, etc. But we are here. We are a community. We arent perfect, no one is. But at least instead of punishing, we should educate. Help build rather than destroy. Taking this loss as a means of growing and improving the world around us. We can become people like my father, who punish and destroy to make ourselves feel better and in control…or we can be like Dragoneer…always learning and trying to better ourselves and our world. The choice is ours. I will do what I can to better myself and others. It isnt always the easiest…or the most popular…and some days it feels like we are going to rage quit…but it will be worth it. At least I like to think so.
LOVE YOU ALL! FURRIES FOREVER MORE!
15 Year Anni-fur-sary!!
Posted 10 months agoYep, 15 years on FA. 15 years of being a therian and otherkin. 15 years of learning and loving.
Thanks for all the happy memories!!!
Thanks for all the happy memories!!!
Shame and Uncertainty
Posted 11 months ago…when Trump won in 2012, my university had to call in a team of psychologists because of how inconsolable our students and staff were. Here we are again, now…except this time I feel so much more than fear and shame. I feel numb. I feel violently ill. The uncertainty of our future is overwhelming. Last night I entertained very dark thoughts that only a mind and soul that has reached a painful limit would even contemplate as an option…Ill let you come to your own conclusions…
…needless to say…Hate, fear mongering, and lies won…truth, hope, and love have lost…
…needless to say…Hate, fear mongering, and lies won…truth, hope, and love have lost…
MAJOR Life Changes
Posted a year agoIve been thinking for a while and now with my job Ive finally got the funds to do it (about $750).
…Ive begun the process of legally changing my name in real life. My last name, none of my family carries anymore. And besides, Ive NEVER liked my first name. So while I must keep my new full name a secret, my first name is…well…
Like Dr. (later Prof.) River Song (for all my Matt Smith Dr. Who fans), I named myself after myself. Take a guess what that means ;3
But it does feel so gratifying and validating to have people call me by my soon to be real name!!! So freeing and exciting!!!
…Ive begun the process of legally changing my name in real life. My last name, none of my family carries anymore. And besides, Ive NEVER liked my first name. So while I must keep my new full name a secret, my first name is…well…
Like Dr. (later Prof.) River Song (for all my Matt Smith Dr. Who fans), I named myself after myself. Take a guess what that means ;3
But it does feel so gratifying and validating to have people call me by my soon to be real name!!! So freeing and exciting!!!
Thank You, and Goodbye Dragoneer.
Posted a year agoThe news of Dragoneer passing is just unreal. He died on the 2 year anniversary of my father’s passing (and honestly Im more heartbroken about poor Dragoneer).
FA has its faults and people say “Im leaving forever!” But in the end, this is home for many of us. Neer created a safe haven for new budding furries like me many years ago. He was a cool dude and a good man, he did not deserve to die the way he did. I hope now, he can rest easy and with pride, knowing he will be remembered and honored.
RIP Dragoneer. Thank you for everything.
Dragoneer passing is just unreal. He died on the 2 year anniversary of my father’s passing (and honestly Im more heartbroken about poor Dragoneer).FA has its faults and people say “Im leaving forever!” But in the end, this is home for many of us. Neer created a safe haven for new budding furries like me many years ago. He was a cool dude and a good man, he did not deserve to die the way he did. I hope now, he can rest easy and with pride, knowing he will be remembered and honored.
RIP Dragoneer. Thank you for everything.
Another Restart? Need Advice
Posted a year agoI quit my job. I was an admin for a 4I home (think group home for adults with severe behavioral disorders). I worked 5 day a week and in the last week had worked over 24 hrs of overtime, also dealing with the police and the hospital (one client hospitalized and one got arrested). No matter how hard I worked it was met with “you needed to do more.” Meanwhile we were understaffed for how the admins wanted us staffed, but weren’t much help. One of them even went to Hawaii.
So here I am without a job again. My lease expires at the end of April, but I need to make a decision to stay in Palm Springs by the end of March. Im contemplating moving to Las Vegas, NV due to cheaper rent, and possibly better job opportunities. Im just worried about making another WRONG decision and not being able to cut it. This move would mean saying goodbye to Fortuneotter my real life brother and emotional support animal. It’s a lot to think about and a lot to figure out. I would appreciate any and all advice.
So here I am without a job again. My lease expires at the end of April, but I need to make a decision to stay in Palm Springs by the end of March. Im contemplating moving to Las Vegas, NV due to cheaper rent, and possibly better job opportunities. Im just worried about making another WRONG decision and not being able to cut it. This move would mean saying goodbye to
Fortuneotter my real life brother and emotional support animal. It’s a lot to think about and a lot to figure out. I would appreciate any and all advice.Living Dead, Breaking Down
Posted 2 years agoHey everyone. Lately I have not been a good mental health space. I named this journal Living Dead because that is exactly how I feel right now. Im not eating properly (barely eating at all these days), my sleep cycle is shot to Hell (I am awake all night and most of the day, only sleeping in the morning/afternoon and for 3 hours at most)…and I am isolating myself from people. There is a desire to make new furiends…but I am too tired and jaded from experiences that have happened in the last year that it makes it feel like pursuing new relationships of any kind is too much of a hassle. Like…why bother making new friends when the friends I have now I barely put in the effort to maintain?
I fully admit I am not a good friend these days. I admit that I have become rather reclusive, stand-offish, irritable and just not the liolf I know I am. Not getting adequate sleep, not eating (and weirdly enough, not feeling tired or hungry. Hence why I feel like Im a zombie most days) and just overall I feel as though I am mentally breaking down. I dont have direction, no battle plans, no real answer to the question “what do I do now?” Im a liolf who always had a battle plan. Now? It has been a year since my life turned upside down. Im scared about dying…Im scared about the future for myself and my brother and my family. I feel like Im fighting alone and I dont want to trouble others but I am reaching my limits.
Sorry for the rant. I cant afford a therapist right now and I needed to see my thoughts out on paper. Im not suicidal, though Ive battled suicidal depression in the past. Just feels like my body, my life, everything is just foreign to me now. It scares me and Im not sure what to do. Any help or advice is appreciated. Thanks for listening…whoever you are…
I fully admit I am not a good friend these days. I admit that I have become rather reclusive, stand-offish, irritable and just not the liolf I know I am. Not getting adequate sleep, not eating (and weirdly enough, not feeling tired or hungry. Hence why I feel like Im a zombie most days) and just overall I feel as though I am mentally breaking down. I dont have direction, no battle plans, no real answer to the question “what do I do now?” Im a liolf who always had a battle plan. Now? It has been a year since my life turned upside down. Im scared about dying…Im scared about the future for myself and my brother and my family. I feel like Im fighting alone and I dont want to trouble others but I am reaching my limits.
Sorry for the rant. I cant afford a therapist right now and I needed to see my thoughts out on paper. Im not suicidal, though Ive battled suicidal depression in the past. Just feels like my body, my life, everything is just foreign to me now. It scares me and Im not sure what to do. Any help or advice is appreciated. Thanks for listening…whoever you are…
Project: RE-START! (Going Off Book)
Posted 2 years agoHello, everyone! So as many of you heard, saw, felt…on March 20th, it was the Zeric Series Finale.
A venture into my life of 30 years has come to a close.
And now? Well…Im TRYING to build a brand new program. Think of it as Zeric: Re-imagined. Or Zeric 2.0 or Zeric: The NEXT Chapter.
For now? I am looking for an apartment. Currently hunting for a new job, too. Yesterday, though, I had a thought that I am wondering if I should run with it. Trading in my Gold for Grand. I E Moving from Glendale (Los Angeles) to Palm Springs and now…POSSIBLY moving to Phoenix, AZ. Cheaper rent, potential new prospects in the job field…not QUITE sure just yet. But I am workshopping it. A lot to think about. A lot to mull over.
As my latest pic suggests, I have been having some rather interesting internal views and thoughts so I am hoping that something sticks. Never know. The long term goal is Colorado. But until then, working my way up in the world. Saving money. Doing what I need to for survival sake. We’ll see. Im Italian. Part of me wants to throw shit to the wall and see what sticks. And…
…Ok…so…maybe part of me is feeling like…all my life I had a plan. I had plans to become a lawyer, go to law school, mapped out my entire life from start to finish (including the marriage, child, divorce, remarriage, death, etc. For those wondering, yes, I died. And I had such a lovely life even getting to hold my husband’s paw before peacing out. And I was quite old and lived nice and rich in spirit). But ever time I planned…It blew up. I was the lead in Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. I am the worst version of my multiverse selves. But, this time…what if there IS NO PLAN!
GOING! OFF! SCRIPT!?
A venture into my life of 30 years has come to a close.
And now? Well…Im TRYING to build a brand new program. Think of it as Zeric: Re-imagined. Or Zeric 2.0 or Zeric: The NEXT Chapter.
For now? I am looking for an apartment. Currently hunting for a new job, too. Yesterday, though, I had a thought that I am wondering if I should run with it. Trading in my Gold for Grand. I E Moving from Glendale (Los Angeles) to Palm Springs and now…POSSIBLY moving to Phoenix, AZ. Cheaper rent, potential new prospects in the job field…not QUITE sure just yet. But I am workshopping it. A lot to think about. A lot to mull over.
As my latest pic suggests, I have been having some rather interesting internal views and thoughts so I am hoping that something sticks. Never know. The long term goal is Colorado. But until then, working my way up in the world. Saving money. Doing what I need to for survival sake. We’ll see. Im Italian. Part of me wants to throw shit to the wall and see what sticks. And…
…Ok…so…maybe part of me is feeling like…all my life I had a plan. I had plans to become a lawyer, go to law school, mapped out my entire life from start to finish (including the marriage, child, divorce, remarriage, death, etc. For those wondering, yes, I died. And I had such a lovely life even getting to hold my husband’s paw before peacing out. And I was quite old and lived nice and rich in spirit). But ever time I planned…It blew up. I was the lead in Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. I am the worst version of my multiverse selves. But, this time…what if there IS NO PLAN!
GOING! OFF! SCRIPT!?
Project: RE-START! (Going Off Book)
Posted 2 years agoHello, everyone! So as many of you heard, saw, felt…on March 20th, it was the Zeric Series Finale.
A venture into my life of 30 years has come to a close.
And now? Well…Im TRYING to build a brand new program. Think of it as Zeric: Re-imagined. Or Zeric 2.0 or Zeric: The NEXT Chapter.
For now? I am looking for an apartment. Currently hunting for a new job, too. Yesterday, though, I had a thought that I am wondering if I should run with it. Trading in my Gold for Grand. I E Moving from Glendale (Los Angeles) to Palm Springs and now…POSSIBLY moving to Phoenix, AZ. Cheaper rent, potential new prospects in the job field…not QUITE sure just yet. But I am workshopping it. A lot to think about. A lot to mull over.
As my latest pic suggests, I have been having some rather interesting internal views and thoughts so I am hoping that something sticks. Never know. The long term goal is Colorado. But until then, working my way up in the world. Saving money. Doing what I need to for survival sake. We’ll see. Im Italian. Part of me wants to throw shit to the wall and see what sticks. And…
…Ok…so…maybe part of me is feeling like…all my life I had a plan. I had plans to become a lawyer, go to law school, mapped out my entire life from start to finish (including the marriage, child, divorce, remarriage, death, etc. For those wondering, yes, I died. And I had such a lovely life even getting to hold my husband’s paw before peacing out. And I was quite old and lived nice and rich in spirit). But ever time I planned…It blew up. I was the lead in Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. I am the worst version of my multiverse selves. But, this time…what if there IS NO PLAN!
GOING! OFF! SCRIPT!?
A venture into my life of 30 years has come to a close.
And now? Well…Im TRYING to build a brand new program. Think of it as Zeric: Re-imagined. Or Zeric 2.0 or Zeric: The NEXT Chapter.
For now? I am looking for an apartment. Currently hunting for a new job, too. Yesterday, though, I had a thought that I am wondering if I should run with it. Trading in my Gold for Grand. I E Moving from Glendale (Los Angeles) to Palm Springs and now…POSSIBLY moving to Phoenix, AZ. Cheaper rent, potential new prospects in the job field…not QUITE sure just yet. But I am workshopping it. A lot to think about. A lot to mull over.
As my latest pic suggests, I have been having some rather interesting internal views and thoughts so I am hoping that something sticks. Never know. The long term goal is Colorado. But until then, working my way up in the world. Saving money. Doing what I need to for survival sake. We’ll see. Im Italian. Part of me wants to throw shit to the wall and see what sticks. And…
…Ok…so…maybe part of me is feeling like…all my life I had a plan. I had plans to become a lawyer, go to law school, mapped out my entire life from start to finish (including the marriage, child, divorce, remarriage, death, etc. For those wondering, yes, I died. And I had such a lovely life even getting to hold my husband’s paw before peacing out. And I was quite old and lived nice and rich in spirit). But ever time I planned…It blew up. I was the lead in Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. I am the worst version of my multiverse selves. But, this time…what if there IS NO PLAN!
GOING! OFF! SCRIPT!?
Lost Liolf in Need of Guidance
Posted 2 years agoSo, right now…Im just worried. Recently I moved out to be near my brother FortuneOtter to help him out with familial issues, amongst other things…Especially after moving out of the only home Ive ever known. In the span of the last few months
I lost the only home Ive ever known
I lost my community
I lost the only job Ive ever worked (worked hard all my life at that job and it screwed me over)
I lost my family. Either they act like entitled Karens and see what they can get, or they just abandoned me
I lost. Me. I lost who I was and who I wanted to become.
I lived in the lap of luxury. Contrary to some that may thing I am bragging, it is actually the opposite. Because of my upbringing, I have had to play catch-up to life skills and lessons that others have known for most of their lives. I am so lost on all of it and no matter what I feel like I am slipping. I dont have a family whom I can confide in, or ask for advice, or juggle ideas on what my next move will be. Where to move to, how to make plans…etc…its difficult and scary, especially when I feel like I dont have any definite plans regarding the future.
If you, or someone you know, can offer help, advice, anything…Please, please send me a message on here or Telegram. I could use some help figuring everything out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
FortuneOtter to help him out with familial issues, amongst other things…Especially after moving out of the only home Ive ever known. In the span of the last few months I lost the only home Ive ever known
I lost my community
I lost the only job Ive ever worked (worked hard all my life at that job and it screwed me over)
I lost my family. Either they act like entitled Karens and see what they can get, or they just abandoned me
I lost. Me. I lost who I was and who I wanted to become.
I lived in the lap of luxury. Contrary to some that may thing I am bragging, it is actually the opposite. Because of my upbringing, I have had to play catch-up to life skills and lessons that others have known for most of their lives. I am so lost on all of it and no matter what I feel like I am slipping. I dont have a family whom I can confide in, or ask for advice, or juggle ideas on what my next move will be. Where to move to, how to make plans…etc…its difficult and scary, especially when I feel like I dont have any definite plans regarding the future.
If you, or someone you know, can offer help, advice, anything…Please, please send me a message on here or Telegram. I could use some help figuring everything out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Goodbye (Moving Forward)
Posted 3 years agoSo some of you may already know my life situation at this time. But a few days ago, my house (the one I spent almost my whole life in) is now in escrow. Right now I am packing up what few amenities I wish to take with me and just…coming to terms with it all. I will not hide this but Im getting a little scared.
Moving out of the only home Ive ever known, trying to find a new place to live, finding a new job, figuring out what I want to do with my life moving forward and how I can feasibly do that…hitting all at once it is making me nervous to the point of sickness. So many uncertainties and more questions than answers…it is hard. Im 30 and I have to learn things that most learned at 20. Im playing catch up and have to do it fast.
And no, Im not leaving FA. Im moving away and trying to find new living arrangements. Any advice would be stellar.
Moving out of the only home Ive ever known, trying to find a new place to live, finding a new job, figuring out what I want to do with my life moving forward and how I can feasibly do that…hitting all at once it is making me nervous to the point of sickness. So many uncertainties and more questions than answers…it is hard. Im 30 and I have to learn things that most learned at 20. Im playing catch up and have to do it fast.
And no, Im not leaving FA. Im moving away and trying to find new living arrangements. Any advice would be stellar.
Need Some Advice (What does the future hold?)
Posted 3 years agoOk so…as it stands, right now, I am trying to take some time to piece together what steps I need to take to move forward. As you may or may not have known, my father died in August and since then my life has been in a persistent tailspin of epic proportion (most of all financially).
I receive $2000/mo from my Dad’s stipend. That helps pay for some of the bills and some odds and ends but at some point I need to find a new job. When Pop died, (I was adopted at birth by a gay couple) I lost my job. The ONLY job that I had ever known or had. What makes this hard is that, thanks to all of the bs Pops put me through, I dont have any experience working for anyone other than the company that I worked for (which is now defunct) and it is making me nervous to start all over again.
I have a BA in History, I am working hard to try and stay in California (upcoming recession is due to hit hard) and taking care of Pops’ estate is a full-time job in of itself. I dont know what to do right now. I want to go back to school and I want to send my brother to school to get his GED and his degree so HE can start his life too. I am just a nervous wreck right now because of everything that is happening. I dont know how to move forward and I am genuinely scared that I will be unable to make something of my life or career. Im getting way too into my own head right now and I could really use some advice.
I receive $2000/mo from my Dad’s stipend. That helps pay for some of the bills and some odds and ends but at some point I need to find a new job. When Pop died, (I was adopted at birth by a gay couple) I lost my job. The ONLY job that I had ever known or had. What makes this hard is that, thanks to all of the bs Pops put me through, I dont have any experience working for anyone other than the company that I worked for (which is now defunct) and it is making me nervous to start all over again.
I have a BA in History, I am working hard to try and stay in California (upcoming recession is due to hit hard) and taking care of Pops’ estate is a full-time job in of itself. I dont know what to do right now. I want to go back to school and I want to send my brother to school to get his GED and his degree so HE can start his life too. I am just a nervous wreck right now because of everything that is happening. I dont know how to move forward and I am genuinely scared that I will be unable to make something of my life or career. Im getting way too into my own head right now and I could really use some advice.
The Truth (Life Updates and The Future)
Posted 3 years agoOk so many of you have seen that my father passed back in August, and the funeral took place in September (same month I turned 30). So I thought I would give some life updates as to what is going on and let people know Im still alive. I put in bold the subjects so you can just fast forward to any bits that matter to you.
The Truth about my father…
I did not mourn my father after he passed. I kept silent about this, but all my life my father had emotionally manipulated me and gaslit me, even going so far as to blame me for what he himself was guilty of. He had a background in psychology which meant that he had to know what he was doing to me was abusive but he continued to do so. All my life, with EVERY single partner he had, he CHEATED on them, including my Dad (Pop and Dad were together for about 24 years before dad lost his battle with cancer) and Pops (P) would get so upset or angry anytime anyone dared cheat on him. He had a major drug problem that he kept hidden, doing meth and fucking around with anyone who would have him. He used the home I am currently living in as his own personal bank, taking out $1.5M in loans and doing the same for the house he owned in for his company. He constantly badgered me about how we needed to “stick to the budget” but would never give me a definitive budget, and would spend hundreds of dollars on dinners, parties, and drugs.
As it stands, I am currently in the process of selling the homes to try and pay back his astronomical amount of debt and doing my best to keep things together. I am currently without a job and I have about $65 left in my bank account (for those who are wondering why they arent seeing much art of me anymore). And for those who are worried about my finances, after Dad (D) died, he left me a monthly stipend of about $2000/month for the rest of my life. Things are tight but I am doing what I can to survive. The reason I blew through most of the money was because I had to do an emergency cleaning and junk hauling of my father’s facility that he was using for his business. He owes the landlady about $80K in back rent and I didnt want there to be another monthy charge of around $7000. So $1000 to junk removal and I was able to get the place cleared out. The rest went to bills that needed paying.
The Future…
As said before, Im selling my family home and the house P used for his business to pay off debts and such. There are a lot to be honest. Any and all money left over will be spent trying to piece together my new life in Colorado. Ive lived in California all my life…but the Gold Rush is over, and I dont want to end up on the streets in search for my nuggets of gold. Im taking exchanging gold for green. Im going to use my money to go back to school, get a smaller place with my friends and my brother, and just surviving until I thrive.
RP and relationship wise, I dont really want one anymore. The idea of turning into my father and becoming a cheater or emotionally abusive asshole in a relationship…that just makes me sick and upset. I dont have the heart to do to anyone what my father did to me or to any one of his partners. Some may say that I am letting him control my life again, but this is MY decision and I am doing it for me. Im going to make slow and steady improvements to my life. Right now is hard financially and Im doing the best I can, but I am hoping for the light at the end of this long dark tunnel.
The Truth about my father…
I did not mourn my father after he passed. I kept silent about this, but all my life my father had emotionally manipulated me and gaslit me, even going so far as to blame me for what he himself was guilty of. He had a background in psychology which meant that he had to know what he was doing to me was abusive but he continued to do so. All my life, with EVERY single partner he had, he CHEATED on them, including my Dad (Pop and Dad were together for about 24 years before dad lost his battle with cancer) and Pops (P) would get so upset or angry anytime anyone dared cheat on him. He had a major drug problem that he kept hidden, doing meth and fucking around with anyone who would have him. He used the home I am currently living in as his own personal bank, taking out $1.5M in loans and doing the same for the house he owned in for his company. He constantly badgered me about how we needed to “stick to the budget” but would never give me a definitive budget, and would spend hundreds of dollars on dinners, parties, and drugs.
As it stands, I am currently in the process of selling the homes to try and pay back his astronomical amount of debt and doing my best to keep things together. I am currently without a job and I have about $65 left in my bank account (for those who are wondering why they arent seeing much art of me anymore). And for those who are worried about my finances, after Dad (D) died, he left me a monthly stipend of about $2000/month for the rest of my life. Things are tight but I am doing what I can to survive. The reason I blew through most of the money was because I had to do an emergency cleaning and junk hauling of my father’s facility that he was using for his business. He owes the landlady about $80K in back rent and I didnt want there to be another monthy charge of around $7000. So $1000 to junk removal and I was able to get the place cleared out. The rest went to bills that needed paying.
The Future…
As said before, Im selling my family home and the house P used for his business to pay off debts and such. There are a lot to be honest. Any and all money left over will be spent trying to piece together my new life in Colorado. Ive lived in California all my life…but the Gold Rush is over, and I dont want to end up on the streets in search for my nuggets of gold. Im taking exchanging gold for green. Im going to use my money to go back to school, get a smaller place with my friends and my brother, and just surviving until I thrive.
RP and relationship wise, I dont really want one anymore. The idea of turning into my father and becoming a cheater or emotionally abusive asshole in a relationship…that just makes me sick and upset. I dont have the heart to do to anyone what my father did to me or to any one of his partners. Some may say that I am letting him control my life again, but this is MY decision and I am doing it for me. Im going to make slow and steady improvements to my life. Right now is hard financially and Im doing the best I can, but I am hoping for the light at the end of this long dark tunnel.
Pops Funeral is Over
Posted 3 years agoYesterday Pops was laid to rest. A slideshow of him to the song “My Way” by Frank Sinatra, and to have tap dancers tapping to “Anything Goes.” He was given the honor guard by the US Coast Guard (father served in army). I buried him with 6 earthly treasures
1. Cologne that was his signature scent.
2. A picture of him and Dad together.
3. A pillow that says “Practically Perfect in Every Way.”
4. Paper towels…he loved em…
5. A magnet…from the law school dad and I went to, a source of pride for him.
6. Frangelico, a hazelnut liquor that he greatly enjoyed.
He and Dad are together once again. He is interred right on top of dad in the Garden of Honor at Forest Lawn.
In two weeks, I turn 30, and once I celebrate Ill start looking for new employment.
1. Cologne that was his signature scent.
2. A picture of him and Dad together.
3. A pillow that says “Practically Perfect in Every Way.”
4. Paper towels…he loved em…
5. A magnet…from the law school dad and I went to, a source of pride for him.
6. Frangelico, a hazelnut liquor that he greatly enjoyed.
He and Dad are together once again. He is interred right on top of dad in the Garden of Honor at Forest Lawn.
In two weeks, I turn 30, and once I celebrate Ill start looking for new employment.
My Father is Dead…
Posted 3 years agoFor those who dont know what happened 5 days ago: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10292627
…Pops was improving…he was moved out of the ICU…they were talking rehab and speech therapy…
…at 8:30 I got the call… Fortuneotter was there when my godmother called. He picked up the phone for me and fell on the bomb. He said this was pretty heavy. “What did he die?” i said…”Yes..” …was Fortune’s response…I was joking…But this is no joke…
…Pops was improving…he was moved out of the ICU…they were talking rehab and speech therapy…
…at 8:30 I got the call…
Fortuneotter was there when my godmother called. He picked up the phone for me and fell on the bomb. He said this was pretty heavy. “What did he die?” i said…”Yes..” …was Fortune’s response…I was joking…But this is no joke…Preparing for the Worst (Please Read)
Posted 3 years agoYesterday morning, before I left for work, I found my father in a terrible state. Apparently, he had been smoking meth (something that I didn’t know he did, but apparently his close friends did) and, because of it, suffered a stroke. He has bleeding in his brain, he has lost a lot of his ability to move the right side of his body, and he is unable to make intelligible conversation. His vocabulary is incredibly limited, and he has only fractured periods of lucidity.
Meanwhile, I am trying my damnedest to keep his company going while he is incapacitated. It’s difficult, especially because he was the one who dealt with the funds, the billing, etc. At this point I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
Being addicted to meth and being a junkie is one thing, but my father is no ordinary junkie. He is self-righteous, he is never wrong about anything, and it is always been someone else’s fault. He is completely and utterly absolved of any of the rules, any of the Consequences, he is a control freak. Now, it seems as though he is going to be paralyzed and may not be able to walk again. I have to make emergency decisions about whether the company is going to continue on, whether I am going to have to sell the only house I have ever known, and basically calls into question my future.
Please, wish me luck. I’m gonna need all the luck I can get right now.
Meanwhile, I am trying my damnedest to keep his company going while he is incapacitated. It’s difficult, especially because he was the one who dealt with the funds, the billing, etc. At this point I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
Being addicted to meth and being a junkie is one thing, but my father is no ordinary junkie. He is self-righteous, he is never wrong about anything, and it is always been someone else’s fault. He is completely and utterly absolved of any of the rules, any of the Consequences, he is a control freak. Now, it seems as though he is going to be paralyzed and may not be able to walk again. I have to make emergency decisions about whether the company is going to continue on, whether I am going to have to sell the only house I have ever known, and basically calls into question my future.
Please, wish me luck. I’m gonna need all the luck I can get right now.
Almost Died (My EOL Plans)
Posted 3 years agoSorry if this post is a tad morbid, but on Friday I almost died. Chocking on a cheeseburger of all things. Was turning blue (not just part of my fur) and was about to lose consciousness. It was interesting in a scary way. Did get me thinking, though, that I need to have an End of Life (EOL) Plan in place to ensure that I am disposed of in my own way.
So...All of FA is my witness.
I, Zeric Liolf, being of sound mind and body (who the hell am I trying to fool?), have decided that in the event of my demise I would like the following:
1. My body is to be aquamated (flameless cremation) and to NOT be embalmed in any way shape or form. My body is to be wrapped in a bamboo shroud and hidden. When in the aquamation machine, I would like my corpse to wear a mask of my muzzle from LemonBrat Studios. It has taken me so long to figure out who I am. I want to take that bit with me into the afterlife.
2. My necklace will be placed inside my urn. My ashes are not to be scattered ANYWHERE until FortuneOtter , my real life big brother, is aquamated and our ashes mixed together. We walked into this world together, we will walk into the next part together. At heart I am still a scared little hybrid and still cling to my brother's tail when the world goes bonkers.
3. If I perish before my brother, my assets go to him (that would be Fortuneotter ) after all the relevant debts are squared away. I hope that the money I can provide will provide him with the support he needs to do what he loves in this world. And I hope he makes a difference for others in the furry community.
4. If I am to survive my big brother, my assets will be divided into the following: I leave my assets and liquidities to Tye1138 (on Telegram: Renn Dragon) and his husband Skaard (Skaard on Telegram). May they use the money I leave to make more movies and make the furry world a better, happier, less toxic environment for others.
5. When my brother and I's ashes are mixed together, we request our ashes be scattered at the base of Mt. Fuji (in the Aokigahara - the Sea of Trees) at sunset. If dark, a lantern will be provided to help guide whoever spreads our ashes and with a cash sum for compensation (plus travel and air fair included).
On this date, 7/11/22 I confirm that I am Zeric Liolf and these are indeed my last wishes (which I hope is not for a while but, as Friday has stated, you never know).
So...All of FA is my witness.
I, Zeric Liolf, being of sound mind and body (who the hell am I trying to fool?), have decided that in the event of my demise I would like the following:
1. My body is to be aquamated (flameless cremation) and to NOT be embalmed in any way shape or form. My body is to be wrapped in a bamboo shroud and hidden. When in the aquamation machine, I would like my corpse to wear a mask of my muzzle from LemonBrat Studios. It has taken me so long to figure out who I am. I want to take that bit with me into the afterlife.
2. My necklace will be placed inside my urn. My ashes are not to be scattered ANYWHERE until
FortuneOtter , my real life big brother, is aquamated and our ashes mixed together. We walked into this world together, we will walk into the next part together. At heart I am still a scared little hybrid and still cling to my brother's tail when the world goes bonkers. 3. If I perish before my brother, my assets go to him (that would be
Fortuneotter ) after all the relevant debts are squared away. I hope that the money I can provide will provide him with the support he needs to do what he loves in this world. And I hope he makes a difference for others in the furry community. 4. If I am to survive my big brother, my assets will be divided into the following: I leave my assets and liquidities to Tye1138 (on Telegram: Renn Dragon) and his husband Skaard (Skaard on Telegram). May they use the money I leave to make more movies and make the furry world a better, happier, less toxic environment for others.
5. When my brother and I's ashes are mixed together, we request our ashes be scattered at the base of Mt. Fuji (in the Aokigahara - the Sea of Trees) at sunset. If dark, a lantern will be provided to help guide whoever spreads our ashes and with a cash sum for compensation (plus travel and air fair included).
On this date, 7/11/22 I confirm that I am Zeric Liolf and these are indeed my last wishes (which I hope is not for a while but, as Friday has stated, you never know).
At A Loss (Vent Journal-Nervous Break)
Posted 3 years agoDomestic abuse, financial instability, staff who evidently do not give a shit about their jobs...I am truly at a loss right now. Please forgive me for writing this but I do not have a therapist at the moment and I am close to having a nervous break. For this month, things have gone from bad, to horrible to...I genuinely dont know what to do now...
First and foremost: my father. My father was in a toxic (and I mean violent toxic) relationship with a guy whom he simped for so hard, he lost sight of a lot of things. Without getting into much more detail, his X chocked him and beat him and ended up running when my father talked about calling the police. I have pictures of the damage he did to my father and he assures me (for the 17th time - and that's being kind) that he and the X will not get back together again. But he is a prideful, desperate and lonely man.
I just paid off my car, to which now it has a broken side mirror and bumper (thanks, homeless wacko!) and needs new breaks. Otherwise, good news i paid it off! Just in time to take a loan out to try and save our company from dire straights.
On the heels of that jolly news, Pops and I found out that our AMEX has been shut off. Why? Because they wanted more money. We pay monthly bills plus paying off a large sum that was used in the past for other things - like buying a house and going on vacation years ago. We are NEVER late and ALWAYS pay early. We paid the requisite amount of money but they still screwed us over. We own a business. We needed that card to buy groceries and supplies for our center. As it stands, we may not even be able to pay our staff...
And today, I just did a surprise inspection at one of our facilities that is a 24 HR residential. The list and the type of infractions I found could have shut us down permanently. We are hanging by a thread and even that is starting to fray. There is so much that I am trying to do to help keep this company afloat and keep our lives in order but everywhere I turn there is more drama and bullshit and more uncertainty than I can count on a single paw. I have no clue what to do or what I am going to do next. And these same staff allowed clients to sleep in soiled sheets and almost sent them to the facility without breakfast. And of course I am the admin, but none of the staff bother reporting to me anything that goes on.
I am scared. I am genuinely scared beyond words. I cant get lunch, I cant help keep my family's company going at the rate it is. I purchase supplies only to have a thief in our company take them or the staff waste them. And we are working with a skeleton crew as is.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to vent but as it stands, I am in my office right now with the door shut, crying and worried about what will come next. I hope the next time I write a journal, I have better news to share. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for listening.
First and foremost: my father. My father was in a toxic (and I mean violent toxic) relationship with a guy whom he simped for so hard, he lost sight of a lot of things. Without getting into much more detail, his X chocked him and beat him and ended up running when my father talked about calling the police. I have pictures of the damage he did to my father and he assures me (for the 17th time - and that's being kind) that he and the X will not get back together again. But he is a prideful, desperate and lonely man.
I just paid off my car, to which now it has a broken side mirror and bumper (thanks, homeless wacko!) and needs new breaks. Otherwise, good news i paid it off! Just in time to take a loan out to try and save our company from dire straights.
On the heels of that jolly news, Pops and I found out that our AMEX has been shut off. Why? Because they wanted more money. We pay monthly bills plus paying off a large sum that was used in the past for other things - like buying a house and going on vacation years ago. We are NEVER late and ALWAYS pay early. We paid the requisite amount of money but they still screwed us over. We own a business. We needed that card to buy groceries and supplies for our center. As it stands, we may not even be able to pay our staff...
And today, I just did a surprise inspection at one of our facilities that is a 24 HR residential. The list and the type of infractions I found could have shut us down permanently. We are hanging by a thread and even that is starting to fray. There is so much that I am trying to do to help keep this company afloat and keep our lives in order but everywhere I turn there is more drama and bullshit and more uncertainty than I can count on a single paw. I have no clue what to do or what I am going to do next. And these same staff allowed clients to sleep in soiled sheets and almost sent them to the facility without breakfast. And of course I am the admin, but none of the staff bother reporting to me anything that goes on.
I am scared. I am genuinely scared beyond words. I cant get lunch, I cant help keep my family's company going at the rate it is. I purchase supplies only to have a thief in our company take them or the staff waste them. And we are working with a skeleton crew as is.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to vent but as it stands, I am in my office right now with the door shut, crying and worried about what will come next. I hope the next time I write a journal, I have better news to share. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for listening.
Hiatus (Ta-Ta For Now!)
Posted 3 years agoHey everyone!
So, right now...my finances (my family's finances, that is) are shot. Dead. The noose is getting tighter. Right now, with that being said, I cannot afford any new art (and do not wholly trust myself to not get more art.) I need to take a bit of a small break. This also sucks because Fortuneotter dropped his phone and it will not turn on again. He DOES have his iPad and wifi, so he will be able to chat via Telegram. Right now, things are just getting too hard to handle and I am doing my level best to handle them. I just hope that somehow I am able to do so.
I will also be taking a small break from Twitter and Telegram, too. If it is an emergency, just message and I will get back to you. Please don't feel bad if I don't respond, I am just not in a great headspace right now.
And no, I am NOT leaving the fandom. I am still a furry, damnit. I am a lifer. I just need to not spend any money...for the next 2 months...or more...and that's money including on basic necessities like...food...I'll be ok, don't worry. Love you all!!!
So, right now...my finances (my family's finances, that is) are shot. Dead. The noose is getting tighter. Right now, with that being said, I cannot afford any new art (and do not wholly trust myself to not get more art.) I need to take a bit of a small break. This also sucks because
Fortuneotter dropped his phone and it will not turn on again. He DOES have his iPad and wifi, so he will be able to chat via Telegram. Right now, things are just getting too hard to handle and I am doing my level best to handle them. I just hope that somehow I am able to do so. I will also be taking a small break from Twitter and Telegram, too. If it is an emergency, just message and I will get back to you. Please don't feel bad if I don't respond, I am just not in a great headspace right now.
And no, I am NOT leaving the fandom. I am still a furry, damnit. I am a lifer. I just need to not spend any money...for the next 2 months...or more...and that's money including on basic necessities like...food...I'll be ok, don't worry. Love you all!!!
Goodbye, Gilbert Gottfried. RIP
Posted 3 years agohttps://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture.....ness-rcna24111
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill. The legendary foul-mouthed bastard who made everyone laugh, who had a voice that incited comedy wherever he went, has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I...I dont know how to fully process this...this is...wow...
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill. The legendary foul-mouthed bastard who made everyone laugh, who had a voice that incited comedy wherever he went, has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I...I dont know how to fully process this...this is...wow...
Ideas for Art (Artists Needed)
Posted 3 years agoSo Ive been having some ideas for art recently. And when I get paid, I hope to find artists who can help.
1. Puppy art. Not sexual (duh, and also...ew...) but...I want to get pics of Fortuneotter (my real life big brother, go say hi and show him some love!) and I as puppies. I have a lot of memories of him and I growing up...I havent always been the easiest little brother to have around...not by a long shot...but he stuck by me, always cleaned up my fuck-ups, never judged me, always tried to include me in things and with different people...
...anyway...Id like to get art of us that can encapsulate some lovely puppyhood memories. Ok I am going to try to stop tearing up now...
2. A Gif. A Gif of Fortune and I doing the Karameldansen Dance! This is a lifelong dream of mine. Its old, it is so old, but damnit I still love that dance!
1. Puppy art. Not sexual (duh, and also...ew...) but...I want to get pics of
Fortuneotter (my real life big brother, go say hi and show him some love!) and I as puppies. I have a lot of memories of him and I growing up...I havent always been the easiest little brother to have around...not by a long shot...but he stuck by me, always cleaned up my fuck-ups, never judged me, always tried to include me in things and with different people......anyway...Id like to get art of us that can encapsulate some lovely puppyhood memories. Ok I am going to try to stop tearing up now...
2. A Gif. A Gif of Fortune and I doing the Karameldansen Dance! This is a lifelong dream of mine. Its old, it is so old, but damnit I still love that dance!
Re-Selling My Adoptables
Posted 3 years agoHey everyone. So…a couple of years ago, I purchased some of these adoptables. And while I thought they were cute or hot at the time, I really didnt do anything with them. And to be honest it wouldn't hurt to have a little bit more money in the bank. These are definitely hard times right now all around, and any help would be greatly appreciated. If any of the sonas down below strike any interest, please let me know down below.
-Tundra and Boreal I am going to sell as a package deal. I would hate to have to split the twins up.
-All the names on the adoptables or the backstories I made for them are yours too, and you can change them if you wish. If you know anyone interested, please
Any help would be nice. Thank you again. Please give these boys a good home. ALL SALES FINAL
Durzel the Lynx (SOLD!)
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29344976/
Tundra and Boreal the Carabou Twins ($60)
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29386571/
Xenitos the Bull (SOLD!)
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29160823/
-Tundra and Boreal I am going to sell as a package deal. I would hate to have to split the twins up.
-All the names on the adoptables or the backstories I made for them are yours too, and you can change them if you wish. If you know anyone interested, please
Any help would be nice. Thank you again. Please give these boys a good home. ALL SALES FINAL
Durzel the Lynx (SOLD!)
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29344976/
Tundra and Boreal the Carabou Twins ($60)
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29386571/
Xenitos the Bull (SOLD!)
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/29160823/
Anyone Know a Good Gif Maker?
Posted 3 years agoHello everyone who actually reads this journal! I have an idea for a gif that I wanted to get but I need help finding someone who makes gifs or animated videos. The idea is something that I have wanted for many many years:
Fortuneotter and I doing the Caramelldansen dance. For reference sake:
Someday I hope to make this a reality. If you or anyone you know could help make this marvelous and totally retro geek anime nerd fantasy come true, please feel free to DM me here or talk to me on Telegram. I appreciate any help!
Fortuneotter and I doing the Caramelldansen dance. For reference sake:Someday I hope to make this a reality. If you or anyone you know could help make this marvelous and totally retro geek anime nerd fantasy come true, please feel free to DM me here or talk to me on Telegram. I appreciate any help!
