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20th anniFURsary
General | Posted 8 months agoIt was this day 20 years ago that I remember being on MySpace and editing my profile while I had some downtime in college. Might have been after school actually. I remember while looking for specific links that I came across a rather intriguing picture: an image of a nude vixen (nude but not erotic). Up to that point, I thought I was one of the few people in the world who thought about creatures like that. I followed that image to this website. I can't remember the name unfortunately. Elven something? Winter maybe? I can't remember, but I do remember reading a bit of the website and seeing words like "anthropomorphic" and "furry". Furry used as a noun rather than an adjective, so I was confused as to what they were talking about.
I think it was later that day (or later the next day, but it was definitely on March 30th) when I decided to follow up on those words and that website. That's when I came across a website I think was called Human Truth [dot] info. There, they had an essay about about some called furries and the furry fandom. I decided to give it a read. I learned about those words I was curious about, and what the furry fandom was all about. I remember reading about halfway down when I was so excited and enamored by the idea of such a thing as the furry fandom that on March 30, 2005, 3:03pm, I declared myself to be a furry.
It wasn't the erotica that brought me in, though I will say that yiff is my favorite type of erotica. It wasn't the artwork either (though obviously I had a great interest in furries). It was the community. The idea that people with the same kind of interest as me could be so accepting, so nice, and so creative at times... it was as though a whole new world opened up for me. I had felt strongly as if I had found home. As though I had found where I belong.
But 20 years later, do those feelings still hold up? Do I still feel the same way as I did when I first?
Well...
Things change. Sometimes they change for the better, sometimes for the worse. Sometimes they change in such a miniscule way that it doesn't seem as though anything changed. I can definitely say that the fandom has changed here and there. It's had its ups and downs, but from what I've seen, they were probably mainly downs.
The fandom has gotten a bit more mainstream. It's not mainstream in that everyone is doing it or anything, but a lot more people know what it is now. I don't really agree with it being more mainstream, but I suppose it was inevitable. Surprising it took this long considering that the fandom is about 45 years old*.
Some people say the fandom started in the mid to late 70s. Some people say the early 80s. But I think universally, most people just say 1980.
Media had a lot to do with that I think, and that media coverage was not good a lot of the be time. Now it seems like every month of so, there's some new documentary, or some YouTuber that wants to go to a fur con and make a video about it. Videos about furries on YouTube are often hit and miss.
Politics also had a hand in really tearing the fandom apart. The community of furs has had its share of turmoil here and there, but once politically charged people started flooding into the fandom about a decade ago, the community really got destabilized. In my opinion, politics didn't do anything but separate and segregate people.
In my opinion, the greatest impact on the fandom is the general change of how people treat one another. Even when I joined back then, there were a few outliers when it came to how others treated one another. But it was only just a few. Things were generally positive, and those people were often looked down upon. People were generally accepting of most things with few exceptions, though you'd kinda always have that small group of people who were always against almost anything. When someone or something went after the image of the fandom, like a TV show or some talk show host, you could feel most of the fandom erupt in an almost connected feeling. It felt a lot more... family like.
But nowadays, it seems things have reversed. Nowadays, if someone goes after the image of the fandom, a lot of people will kinda just blow it off. Some of them will even make it worse by adding fuel to the fire with their commentary. Anything for views nowadays it seems. Of course you still have people that are nice and quite accepting, but so many more people seem to be to themselves now. A lot of people now seem to want to separate and ban everything now. It's much worse when moderators and administrators do it because that could really change or even destroy a website. It's one of the big reasons why I've been using FA less and less over the years. There seems to be this consistent witch-hunt, almost like a war effort, on finding people that "the fandom" doesn't like or accept. But it's much less to do with the entirety or majority of the fandom, and much more to do with the type of people who seem to operate purely on peer pressure, blackmail, and toxicity. Toxicity is something I'll touch on in another journal. I can totally understand now why a lot of people, especially new furs, think the fandom is generally toxic.
I understand that _philes of any kind are generally not going to be liked by a lot of people. Back then, those people were often just left alone, or their pasts and alternative interests were just not talked about. But nowadays, as I mentioned before, they are hunted. Sometimes literally. There's often extreme violence that follows. I've never agreed with that kind of thing. People say they ruin everything, but how often do you actually see any of those types of people? I've heard the narrative they they're everywhere, but they really aren't. Unless maybe you're the type of person to explicitly go out searching for them. Then of course you're always going to find them. Over the years, I've talked to a handful of zoosexual people. I was in the fandom for almost 17 years before I came across a pedosexual person. Hardly feels like "everywhere". I've talked to those people. I've gotten to know some of those people. The irony? Most of those people that I've come across embody the spirit of the fandom better than a large portion of the fandom does anymore. They try to understand, they are often very accepting, they're usually friendly. Friendly in their heart, not the false friendly face that too many people use just on the surface. I wonder how many people have actually ever come across a _phile before they started to trash them. In my opinion, really negative people are far more of a problem in this fandom than a person of a sexuality you'll rarely run into on the regular. I'm well aware that it's a wildly unpopular opinion, and I could have worded that a bit better, but it is my opinion. An opinion that was created from an attempt at understanding, from a bit of experience, from multiple observations, etc. Not one given to me by force for fear that I'll be physically attacked, or that my reputation will be critically damaged. Reputation is something I'll touch on in another journal.
It is quite important to understand that these things are not a furry or a fandom thing. They are a people thing. If you switched furry for goth, gaming, sci-fi, anime, etc., you would still have most or all of the same issues. It's a societal thing that trickles down into these fandoms. While most of the time it wasn't that big deal in the past, nowadays, it feels like people just don't care.
I fear that the furry fandom may one day end up like the Goth fandom if it continues. If you're old enough to remember, gothic stuff and people were often at the helm of many people's harsh criticisms and attacks. Often perpetuated by the media, and fueled by pure ignorance. Their music, their looks, etc. No one cared or understood their community. It was all so superficial. I call them "hate trends". They often last for many years, sometimes decades. Eventually, people started to sexualize it and turn it almost into a fetish. Then some companies started to dig their hands into it. Now whenever you hear about or see anything goth, what do you usually see? "Big tiddy goth girls". "Sexy Goth girls". Tight black leather fetish wear. You hardly hear about any actual Goth persons. That's what the fandom was seemingly reduced to. You often see it in the gaming and anime fandoms as well. Now granted, gaming and anime are industries, but they have massive fandoms too, and the same trends are definitely there. I just fear that with the furry fandom often being so destabilized, usually on purpose, these save things will happen. Far too many people already think it's a fetish. And these same reasons are why I was so against FA being acquired by IMVU, or any company not from the fandom attempting to infiltrate the fandom.
Overall, I think things are alright, but it depends on where you engage with the fandom anymore. Being in for 20 years, you would think I've experienced everything here, but not at all. I've yet to go to a fur con. I don't have a fursuit. I've only met a handful of furs. And I've surprisingly drawn or created very little furry artwork. Still, the fandom is where I call home. Though I do worry about the future of the fandom. It's like living in a peaceful neighborhood that suddenly got taken over by loud, obnoxious, often aggressive people. I mean, I don't want to leave my home but, but at what point do you say "it's time to go"?
Even if I may not engage with the fandom in the future, in my heart I am a furry. It's not a fad to me. If I could be my character in real life, I absolutely would (not the character usually shown here. That was created explicitly as a stand-in. Though I wouldn't be opposed to being that character). I don't know for how much longer I'll be around (I'll... also get to that in another journal), but I hope to be able to do the things I haven't been able to do before. Who knows, 2025 might be the year I can wear a suit.
Be kind and understanding to one another, people.
Be the kind of person you wish to see more of in the fandom, or the world.
During a time where everything's falling apart, at each other's neck is a horrible place to be.
I think it was later that day (or later the next day, but it was definitely on March 30th) when I decided to follow up on those words and that website. That's when I came across a website I think was called Human Truth [dot] info. There, they had an essay about about some called furries and the furry fandom. I decided to give it a read. I learned about those words I was curious about, and what the furry fandom was all about. I remember reading about halfway down when I was so excited and enamored by the idea of such a thing as the furry fandom that on March 30, 2005, 3:03pm, I declared myself to be a furry.
It wasn't the erotica that brought me in, though I will say that yiff is my favorite type of erotica. It wasn't the artwork either (though obviously I had a great interest in furries). It was the community. The idea that people with the same kind of interest as me could be so accepting, so nice, and so creative at times... it was as though a whole new world opened up for me. I had felt strongly as if I had found home. As though I had found where I belong.
But 20 years later, do those feelings still hold up? Do I still feel the same way as I did when I first?
Well...
Things change. Sometimes they change for the better, sometimes for the worse. Sometimes they change in such a miniscule way that it doesn't seem as though anything changed. I can definitely say that the fandom has changed here and there. It's had its ups and downs, but from what I've seen, they were probably mainly downs.
The fandom has gotten a bit more mainstream. It's not mainstream in that everyone is doing it or anything, but a lot more people know what it is now. I don't really agree with it being more mainstream, but I suppose it was inevitable. Surprising it took this long considering that the fandom is about 45 years old*.
Some people say the fandom started in the mid to late 70s. Some people say the early 80s. But I think universally, most people just say 1980.
Media had a lot to do with that I think, and that media coverage was not good a lot of the be time. Now it seems like every month of so, there's some new documentary, or some YouTuber that wants to go to a fur con and make a video about it. Videos about furries on YouTube are often hit and miss.
Politics also had a hand in really tearing the fandom apart. The community of furs has had its share of turmoil here and there, but once politically charged people started flooding into the fandom about a decade ago, the community really got destabilized. In my opinion, politics didn't do anything but separate and segregate people.
In my opinion, the greatest impact on the fandom is the general change of how people treat one another. Even when I joined back then, there were a few outliers when it came to how others treated one another. But it was only just a few. Things were generally positive, and those people were often looked down upon. People were generally accepting of most things with few exceptions, though you'd kinda always have that small group of people who were always against almost anything. When someone or something went after the image of the fandom, like a TV show or some talk show host, you could feel most of the fandom erupt in an almost connected feeling. It felt a lot more... family like.
But nowadays, it seems things have reversed. Nowadays, if someone goes after the image of the fandom, a lot of people will kinda just blow it off. Some of them will even make it worse by adding fuel to the fire with their commentary. Anything for views nowadays it seems. Of course you still have people that are nice and quite accepting, but so many more people seem to be to themselves now. A lot of people now seem to want to separate and ban everything now. It's much worse when moderators and administrators do it because that could really change or even destroy a website. It's one of the big reasons why I've been using FA less and less over the years. There seems to be this consistent witch-hunt, almost like a war effort, on finding people that "the fandom" doesn't like or accept. But it's much less to do with the entirety or majority of the fandom, and much more to do with the type of people who seem to operate purely on peer pressure, blackmail, and toxicity. Toxicity is something I'll touch on in another journal. I can totally understand now why a lot of people, especially new furs, think the fandom is generally toxic.
I understand that _philes of any kind are generally not going to be liked by a lot of people. Back then, those people were often just left alone, or their pasts and alternative interests were just not talked about. But nowadays, as I mentioned before, they are hunted. Sometimes literally. There's often extreme violence that follows. I've never agreed with that kind of thing. People say they ruin everything, but how often do you actually see any of those types of people? I've heard the narrative they they're everywhere, but they really aren't. Unless maybe you're the type of person to explicitly go out searching for them. Then of course you're always going to find them. Over the years, I've talked to a handful of zoosexual people. I was in the fandom for almost 17 years before I came across a pedosexual person. Hardly feels like "everywhere". I've talked to those people. I've gotten to know some of those people. The irony? Most of those people that I've come across embody the spirit of the fandom better than a large portion of the fandom does anymore. They try to understand, they are often very accepting, they're usually friendly. Friendly in their heart, not the false friendly face that too many people use just on the surface. I wonder how many people have actually ever come across a _phile before they started to trash them. In my opinion, really negative people are far more of a problem in this fandom than a person of a sexuality you'll rarely run into on the regular. I'm well aware that it's a wildly unpopular opinion, and I could have worded that a bit better, but it is my opinion. An opinion that was created from an attempt at understanding, from a bit of experience, from multiple observations, etc. Not one given to me by force for fear that I'll be physically attacked, or that my reputation will be critically damaged. Reputation is something I'll touch on in another journal.
It is quite important to understand that these things are not a furry or a fandom thing. They are a people thing. If you switched furry for goth, gaming, sci-fi, anime, etc., you would still have most or all of the same issues. It's a societal thing that trickles down into these fandoms. While most of the time it wasn't that big deal in the past, nowadays, it feels like people just don't care.
I fear that the furry fandom may one day end up like the Goth fandom if it continues. If you're old enough to remember, gothic stuff and people were often at the helm of many people's harsh criticisms and attacks. Often perpetuated by the media, and fueled by pure ignorance. Their music, their looks, etc. No one cared or understood their community. It was all so superficial. I call them "hate trends". They often last for many years, sometimes decades. Eventually, people started to sexualize it and turn it almost into a fetish. Then some companies started to dig their hands into it. Now whenever you hear about or see anything goth, what do you usually see? "Big tiddy goth girls". "Sexy Goth girls". Tight black leather fetish wear. You hardly hear about any actual Goth persons. That's what the fandom was seemingly reduced to. You often see it in the gaming and anime fandoms as well. Now granted, gaming and anime are industries, but they have massive fandoms too, and the same trends are definitely there. I just fear that with the furry fandom often being so destabilized, usually on purpose, these save things will happen. Far too many people already think it's a fetish. And these same reasons are why I was so against FA being acquired by IMVU, or any company not from the fandom attempting to infiltrate the fandom.
Overall, I think things are alright, but it depends on where you engage with the fandom anymore. Being in for 20 years, you would think I've experienced everything here, but not at all. I've yet to go to a fur con. I don't have a fursuit. I've only met a handful of furs. And I've surprisingly drawn or created very little furry artwork. Still, the fandom is where I call home. Though I do worry about the future of the fandom. It's like living in a peaceful neighborhood that suddenly got taken over by loud, obnoxious, often aggressive people. I mean, I don't want to leave my home but, but at what point do you say "it's time to go"?
Even if I may not engage with the fandom in the future, in my heart I am a furry. It's not a fad to me. If I could be my character in real life, I absolutely would (not the character usually shown here. That was created explicitly as a stand-in. Though I wouldn't be opposed to being that character). I don't know for how much longer I'll be around (I'll... also get to that in another journal), but I hope to be able to do the things I haven't been able to do before. Who knows, 2025 might be the year I can wear a suit.
Be kind and understanding to one another, people.
Be the kind of person you wish to see more of in the fandom, or the world.
During a time where everything's falling apart, at each other's neck is a horrible place to be.
Behhr
General | Posted a year agoYou came into our life so suddenly.
Though I wasn't expecting you, I felt as though I've been waiting for you for a while now.
Like a ray of sunshine, you brightened and livened our lives here.
Desperately needed during this stressful and uncertain time.
And though you weren't expected, we had always planned to meet you someday.
There were some ups and downs, but that's fine. After all, you were new to the world.
We were all learning about each other.
Everything seemed as though it was finally looking up.
I thought we were all getting ready to start the next chapter in our lives.
But that didn’t happen.
Just as soon as you had come into our lives, you had been taken away.
So suddenly. So unfairly.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, hun.
I still can’t believe what happened.
It feels like you were snatched away from us.
It feels like the ray of sunshine you brought to us was stomped out.
It feels like another part of the soul that I have left was ripped right out of me.
You didn’t even get the chance to go on a walk with us,
or to run around the yard fully, or even to have a cooked meal with us.
I would have been cooking for you all later today.
You didn’t even get the chance to go through all of your diapers. There’s still another pack waiting on you baby.
We didn’t get to celebrate your birthday, Christmas, or really do anything together.
I don’t think you even recognized your name yet.
I keep hoping that maybe you’ll appear from around the corner again, or maybe wake up from a nap.
And I keep looking around for you, but you aren’t there.
Why did you have to leave us, little Behhr?
I’m sorry baby.
I’m so so so sorry this happened to you.
I love you baby. I just wish I had more time to express that to you before you left us.
I hope that we’ll be able to meet again somewhere one day.
All of us. I would like that. Doesn’t matter where it is, even if it’s in my dreams.
We could run around and play and be happy and have fun all day.
I just can’t believe you’re gone baby.
I’ll miss you so much.
Rest in peace, my child.
“Annakin”-Behhr
January 28, 2024 – April 13, 2024I’ve been a bawwing mess since this morning. I couldn’t even finish that last 2 paragraphs without running away crying. So you’ll have to excuse me for typos. Doesn’t help that I feel like I’m going to pass out.
Behhr would have been 11 weeks old tomorrow. I haven’t even had the chance to have her for one full week of those. Just one more day would have made a week I got to spend with them.
I don’t know what day they were born exactly, January 28 is just an estimate. I do know that they were coming from a very abusive place. They were quite malnourished when found. Her brother has a broken rip and a tail that was chopped off. Whatever she had to deal with, I was going to make sure it would never happen again.
It’s bad enough waking up to a child having seizures in your arms in the middle of the night, and being powerless to do anything about it. It’s another thing to have a child clearly have problems with them that medicine could solve, but be somewhat powerless because of no money and no working vehicle.
But nothing could have prepared me to watch as my child’s life suddenly get taken from them, and having to rush a literal baby to the hospital, only to realize they’ve already died in your arms. It’s an image that is burned into my mind.
I felt as their convulsing body started to go limp. I felt their heart beat slow down greatly. And I think I knew before I had even left, they were gone. But there was still hope. I feel as though there was something else the vet could have done.
Damn that front desk lady. Even though I called ahead, and was rushing to get there, there was absolutely no sense of urgency her. None. Had to remind them, with this literal dying or dead baby in my arms, that it was an emergency. I don’t think she couldn’t care less. Even after I finally got to the back, in was only a minute before they brought me back and told me she was already dead.
It makes me angry because I feel as though they didn’t do what they could. Like they didn’t even care. When I was standing at the front desk with this woman, I could feel small thumps coming from the towel I had my baby in. When I peered in and looked at their face, both of their eyelids had moved from where they originally were. I felt that there was a chance, but it seems like no one else but myself wanted to take that chance.
I was…
oh god
I was given the chance to take their body back in a box with me. And if this were my property, I would have done that. I would have prefered that actually.
Its hard writing this journal.
This is probably the most difficult journal Ive ever had to write.
There was also the option of a communal cremation and a private one. Even though I need ever dollar I could get right now, I opted for a private one. It’ll take almost 2 weeks before I get her ashes back.
There were some strange things that happened this morning.
Suddenly on the way to the vet, there was road construction that made getting to the vet almost 3 times as long. There was never construction like that before.
Suddenly, the map app kept crashing. It never crashed before.
Suddenly, there were a lot more people in the vet than usual. I had never seen that amount of people there before.
And it doesn’t help that every single picture and video I took of them is poor quality and grainy.
This isn’t the best phone camera at all, but the pictures have never looked that bad before.
It all feels like one big cruel joke. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it. Much too tired.
It reminds me of something I had seen where I and my dogs were being lambasted and made fun of simply for being here, and that I was considered crazy for getting dogs in the first place to make myself look better to others.
I will explain it again for these idiots. Or better yet, I will explain it to whoever wants to listen. Trying to explain anything for a fool is a waste of your time.
I have always wanted dogs. Period. I could never have them because I wasn’t allowed to. A long time ago, a small stray dog came calmly walking up to me. I think I was maybe 13 or 14. That was the first dog that I had ever taken care of. I had only known them for 2 and a half days, before the pound was called on them and they were taken away from me. The officer who took her assured me that they were in good hands, but that’s a pound. If I understand correctly, many pounds kill their animals if they haven’t been taken within a week or so. That was the first time I had ever cried so hard. As soon as they drove off and I closed the door, the feeling was so overwhelming that I slid my back down the door and cried my eyes out. And all of this over nothing. At least I was trying to take care of the dog. I was constantly given excuses why I can’t. And I get it, no money would have made that a little difficult. But it was a small dog, and they seemed like they were very calm and easily handled. But the look on the face of the person that called the pound on them. Their face. That smirk.
I’ll get back to that smirk on another journal.
So I was ecstatic when I learned I could get a dog up here. And I looked around, going back and forth, for almost an hour, making sure I got the right dog. And I think I found them. Now, at the time, I had an issue with some people here that really put me in a bad depression. A deep or severe depression is what I think it’s called. And while going back and forth looking for a dog, I was hoping that by also taking care of a dog, that these people wouldn’t think of me as some horrible person. I had realized soon after that they don’t care and I was just making the same mistake again. I’ll get back to that in another journal.
Of course I asked for permission, and was immediately given permission, but the person in question suddenly became very avoidant. I only had about 2 weeks to get the dog, and for those 2 weeks, they hid in their room or didn’t want to talk to me. Finally on the last day they came out, and I almost missed the dog. If they were just 20 minutes later, I probably wouldn’t have my first dog. That was new years eve, 2016.
A couple of years later, I got a second dog. Not that long before them, my dog had been playing with a puppy, and I liked how they got along. He didn’t seem lonely anymore. I had discovered shortly after that it’s best to get most pets in pairs or more for that reason and others. The dog was offered to me, and I did accept, but they were taken back I think the next day. For the short amount of time I had that second dog, I called them… Behhr. So when I got the opportunity to get another dog that had looked like that small black dog at the time, I took it. I didn’t name that one Behhr, I had named her “Little Lilith of the Dandelions”, or Llilion for short.
I had often thought about having a third or even forth dog, but that wouldn’t come until much later, when I had my own house and/or area to give them. So even though I could have turned down this third dog, I felt it was probably better if I take them and that I introduce her to my other dogs. This is the Behhr of this journal. This was originally going to be a week long trial run to see if they would be a good fit for us, but because of the circumstances of the other person, as I said, I felt it was better that the dog come with us. I would have taken them in anyway.
I’m so sad she’s gone.
Dogs are the ONLY reason I even bothered staying up here. Otherwise I would have left back in later 2017. About mid 2017 is when it was admitted to me that I was up here on a lie. A lot of lies. I had come up here to advance my life forward, because where I was staying, I was getting close to no support (if any), nor was I being taken serious. My life was wasting away. I was given a handful of promises. I was told quite a bit of things actually, and thinking about it, almost every single one of those claims was a flat out lie. They don’t even care what they did, but they know full well what they did. People like that are one of the main reasons I just prefer dogs anyway. Of course I’d like to hang out with a person, but not if they’re going to be those kinds of people.
I was going to make a journal about the effects of these people. Not the people themselves. Screw them anyway. Not a single one of them tried to talk about it, cared about it, apologized for it, or anything. They were all far more concerned with their dicks, their drugs, their money, but most importantly to them, their reputation.
No, I was going to make a journal about the types of people they are, their designs, and the effects of depression on a person. It was an amalgamation of a journal I had been putting together for a long time, before I decided to just review and rewrite it. I had always either never finished, or never uploaded them.
This time I will, and afterwards, I think I’ll be done making personal and long-form journals. I never really liked them anyway.
I can’t even mourn properly. I’m too busy having to get rid of everything here. I don’t have long left here.
I kind of felt like I did back in the ambulance last year. Kind of like if I fall asleep, I hope I don’t even wake up again. It were my dogs that made me want to come back, because I can’t just leave them alone like that. I don’t want to leave them alone like that. Because I LOVE my dogs. I WANT to take care of them. They might be a bit annoying at times, and a bit of an inconvenience, but I don’t see them as being in the way. They’re my family. They’re my friends. They’re my children.
Behhr, though I wanted to show you the world, I didn’t want to show you the hate in peoples’ heart.
I’m so very sorry that I don’t even get the chance to show you anything.
We’ll meet again, some day, somewhere, baby. Whether it be the end of my life, of the end of my nights.
I love you so much, and I am honored that you were a part of our lives.19th anniFURsary
General | Posted a year agoNo, I haven't forgotten.
Just doing stuff.
Today marks my 19th year of officially finding the fandom and being a furry.
I was actually 19 when I found the fandom (though I was 14 when I started making my own character. Not this character).
Things have changed over the years. The fandom isn't the same as it was when I joined.
Though I guess that's because society as a whole has changed. Change is going to happen to everything, regardless.
After about 10 to 15 years, I've seen the fandom loop back around to another cycle, though I still haven't seen it return to the fandom like when I joined.
To be honest, I'm not really a fan of a lot of it. It's difficult finding people and small groups that are very similar to the time I joined, or at least hold a lot of the same values and stuff.
When I thought I found one, there's always that one person that kinda ruins it. But the way the group works is that it centers around that particular person. If they go, the whole group collapses. It's silly.
Meh, I'm not really a group person anyway. Hanging out with like-minded people is good and all, but I find myself being, or wanting to be, alone more often then not.
I don't know where the fandom will be in another 19 years, or if I'll even be around in by then (I nearly died at the end of July randomly). But in my heart, I am a furry. I think. So even if the fandom goes the way of the Goth fandom, and let's hope it doesn't, I'd like to believe that even if there are no more fur sites or furs anywhere near me, that I'd still be a fur all to myself.
Something like that.
I'd celebrate if I had money, time, and didn't have so much other stuff going on.
Just doing stuff.
Today marks my 19th year of officially finding the fandom and being a furry.
I was actually 19 when I found the fandom (though I was 14 when I started making my own character. Not this character).
Things have changed over the years. The fandom isn't the same as it was when I joined.
Though I guess that's because society as a whole has changed. Change is going to happen to everything, regardless.
After about 10 to 15 years, I've seen the fandom loop back around to another cycle, though I still haven't seen it return to the fandom like when I joined.
To be honest, I'm not really a fan of a lot of it. It's difficult finding people and small groups that are very similar to the time I joined, or at least hold a lot of the same values and stuff.
When I thought I found one, there's always that one person that kinda ruins it. But the way the group works is that it centers around that particular person. If they go, the whole group collapses. It's silly.
Meh, I'm not really a group person anyway. Hanging out with like-minded people is good and all, but I find myself being, or wanting to be, alone more often then not.
I don't know where the fandom will be in another 19 years, or if I'll even be around in by then (I nearly died at the end of July randomly). But in my heart, I am a furry. I think. So even if the fandom goes the way of the Goth fandom, and let's hope it doesn't, I'd like to believe that even if there are no more fur sites or furs anywhere near me, that I'd still be a fur all to myself.
Something like that.
I'd celebrate if I had money, time, and didn't have so much other stuff going on.
Rat Bastard Supreme (edit)
General | Posted 2 years agoOK.
A few days ago, I started shaking real bad. Feeling of dread all over. Thought I was about to have a heart attack, but I’ve learned not too long ago that this is called anxiety. Specifically, it was an anxiety attack.
Explains a lot in life honestly. Got them often. But I was wondering why it was happening. That same day, I was seeing other family members about, and I thought the worst. I thought someone had died.
I didn’t know what was doing on, but when I tried waving as I was heading to work, I was getting a couple nasty glares. Kinda felt like I did something.
I went to work. I worked on my car. I came back. That feeling kind of returns. But why do I feel like I’m in the center of it again? What did I do? I didn’t do anything. I was gone all day.
I then remember the journal I made almost 2 weeks ago, and I remembered that this feeling was very similar to last year about a similar incident. I started to wonder if that was what this was about.
Trying to get a little bit of information, I think it is indeed what’s going on. No one tells me anything, so I have to figure things out on my own, and that can take a long time.
Well… it’s 6 in the morning now for me. I’ve been here since maybe 8 writing a very long journal, expanding a single sentence in that whole journal because I’m sure that’s what people cared about.
I broke down every part of that sentence and talked about it in great detail. But then I figured, as I was nearing completion, it would probably create the same or worse problems if I posted it.
All that time wasted, though it’s happened before. I’m so tired. I want to go to bed so badly, and now I’m starting anew. But I feel I have to say something.
And it’s a shame I’m even having to say it this way. What goes on in this house is the business of the people who live here, but my fault for posting that stuff.
We’re a mere 20 feet away, but knocking on the door and asking to talk is too hard. I’ve tried to talk to everyone that maybe had a problem with me, but it never seemed to work out for long or at all.
...Nothing I said was a lie. That’s the honest truth. I can’t prove any / most of it anymore, I don’t walk around with HD cameras and hidden microphones and stuff at all times.
However, maybe the way I said it could have been better. Or better yet, I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I know there’s all kinds of things being said about me in the background, I’ve come across much of it.
I know there’s all these accusations, and ways people think about me, etc., and it isn’t fair. But at the end of the day, I know there’s truly nothing I can do about it.
If people choose to hate me, rather than trying to understand me, that’s up to them.
People will have their opinions about me. The only thing I can help is the way people see me. And I’ve tried to. But it seems literally no matter what I do, they only ever have a negative opinion of me.
When literally everything I do is a problem, from trying to talk to people, to being silly, to just walking around and breathing harder from being out and about, what can I possibly do to make it better?
I’m right here. Anyone can come talk to me at any time. But I’m often avoided to have all these wild claims made up about me, sometimes right in front of my face.
Goodness knows I’ve tried to talk to the people, I’ve tried to help when I can, I’ve tried to show them what kind of person I am, I tried to be as good as I could be.
And I think I’ve become a better person over the years, thanks to the self-help I’ve tried, and my dogs. But when people only want to see the negative in you and blow every mistake you make out of the water, what does it matter?
Again, I can’t stop people from having a horrible opinion about me, as unfair as it is. I didn’t mean any harm when I posted that, and I wasn’t trying to bring up old things again.
Everything that I mentioned was already years old, not so much recent. So again, probably could have done without even saying it. I’m sorry.
Though I will say that I don’t think it’s right for all of this stuff to have happened and it just keeps getting swept under the rug and attempted to be hidden. And that reputations seem to matter more than relationships.
The whole point of much of the journal was about how I feel (felt), and why. Almost no one ever asks how I feel or what I want. I get totally swept under the rug all the time.
Case in point, the entire journal was ignored for what I’m guessing is a couple of lines. And if that’s true, it once again proves my point. But it doesn’t matter anymore.
I will say again that I do no hate anyone. Disappointed maybe, but no hate.
Things weren’t all bad, and I’m not going to pretend that they were.
I have said more than a few times that I am very grateful for the help that I did receive, and for everything that was done for me. There were some fun times. There were some good things that happened.
I want to thank the few people that actually did try to help me. I sat and spent all my time trying to make others happen when I should have been spending my time with you guys.
I apologize for that, and I am thankful for your help.
What was said was said. Even though I had already talked about it quite some time ago anyway. Mistakes happen. I was trying to talk about them so I could finally put them behind me.
But again, maybe I could have handled it better, or just not said anything about it at all. But what about the other mistakes that are made that I didn’t do? That hinder me? That I have to deal with?
Why is it I can do 99 things right, but the one time I make a mistake, the world stops, and what I may have done is overwhelmingly exaggerated and held over my head for all time?
I’ve been asking this question for about 30 years now: What did I do that was wrong?
What about the way I feel?
I’ve yet to get a real answer for that. People seem to have a lot to say about it, but not one will come to me and talk about it.
And I think it’s a rotten deal. Just… talk to me. Please.
I will further go on to say that, I absolutely refuse to be pushed into another deep depression. Anyone who has ever experienced that knows what I am talking about.
And I am silly. I have a silly personality. It is in my nature, I think. I have always been a silly person, and it sucks to have it used against me so often. But I’m not getting rid of it for anyone. Not anymore.
I tried to become a better person for everyone else, but I always neglected myself. But I want to become a better person for me. And I think that I have. And I think that I will continue to.
There may be people out there that say bad things about me, but I don’t want to continue to say bad things about myself.
The road to self recovery and self-help can be bumpy, but there is a road, and it does lead to a better place. And I don’t want to throw all that work away to pretend that I’m all smiles all the time about some people.
I’m here.
Talk to me if you want something.
I’ve told everyone that, and to this day I still have yet for anyone to apologize, or talk to me about the things that have happened, to not be condescending towards me.
But I can’t sit and wait for people forever. I’m trying to make my life better.
It has been apparent to me for a very long time that I… don’t really vibe well with people. I get that, it’s not hard to see. I’m not sure what the problem is, but clearly there’s a problem.
I’m not sure if I’m the problem, but I often find myself in the middle of it. So with that being said, I’m trying to leave. Clearly I’ve been a burden, and I’m trying to fix it.
Just, it’s not the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of time and a lot of money. But one day, the day will come when I’m finally out of everyone’s hair for good.
Until that day comes, just please work with me. I may not be the best, but I’m trying.
I’m so very tired….
A few days ago, I started shaking real bad. Feeling of dread all over. Thought I was about to have a heart attack, but I’ve learned not too long ago that this is called anxiety. Specifically, it was an anxiety attack.
Explains a lot in life honestly. Got them often. But I was wondering why it was happening. That same day, I was seeing other family members about, and I thought the worst. I thought someone had died.
I didn’t know what was doing on, but when I tried waving as I was heading to work, I was getting a couple nasty glares. Kinda felt like I did something.
I went to work. I worked on my car. I came back. That feeling kind of returns. But why do I feel like I’m in the center of it again? What did I do? I didn’t do anything. I was gone all day.
I then remember the journal I made almost 2 weeks ago, and I remembered that this feeling was very similar to last year about a similar incident. I started to wonder if that was what this was about.
Trying to get a little bit of information, I think it is indeed what’s going on. No one tells me anything, so I have to figure things out on my own, and that can take a long time.
Well… it’s 6 in the morning now for me. I’ve been here since maybe 8 writing a very long journal, expanding a single sentence in that whole journal because I’m sure that’s what people cared about.
I broke down every part of that sentence and talked about it in great detail. But then I figured, as I was nearing completion, it would probably create the same or worse problems if I posted it.
All that time wasted, though it’s happened before. I’m so tired. I want to go to bed so badly, and now I’m starting anew. But I feel I have to say something.
And it’s a shame I’m even having to say it this way. What goes on in this house is the business of the people who live here, but my fault for posting that stuff.
We’re a mere 20 feet away, but knocking on the door and asking to talk is too hard. I’ve tried to talk to everyone that maybe had a problem with me, but it never seemed to work out for long or at all.
...Nothing I said was a lie. That’s the honest truth. I can’t prove any / most of it anymore, I don’t walk around with HD cameras and hidden microphones and stuff at all times.
However, maybe the way I said it could have been better. Or better yet, I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I know there’s all kinds of things being said about me in the background, I’ve come across much of it.
I know there’s all these accusations, and ways people think about me, etc., and it isn’t fair. But at the end of the day, I know there’s truly nothing I can do about it.
If people choose to hate me, rather than trying to understand me, that’s up to them.
People will have their opinions about me. The only thing I can help is the way people see me. And I’ve tried to. But it seems literally no matter what I do, they only ever have a negative opinion of me.
When literally everything I do is a problem, from trying to talk to people, to being silly, to just walking around and breathing harder from being out and about, what can I possibly do to make it better?
I’m right here. Anyone can come talk to me at any time. But I’m often avoided to have all these wild claims made up about me, sometimes right in front of my face.
Goodness knows I’ve tried to talk to the people, I’ve tried to help when I can, I’ve tried to show them what kind of person I am, I tried to be as good as I could be.
And I think I’ve become a better person over the years, thanks to the self-help I’ve tried, and my dogs. But when people only want to see the negative in you and blow every mistake you make out of the water, what does it matter?
Again, I can’t stop people from having a horrible opinion about me, as unfair as it is. I didn’t mean any harm when I posted that, and I wasn’t trying to bring up old things again.
Everything that I mentioned was already years old, not so much recent. So again, probably could have done without even saying it. I’m sorry.
Though I will say that I don’t think it’s right for all of this stuff to have happened and it just keeps getting swept under the rug and attempted to be hidden. And that reputations seem to matter more than relationships.
The whole point of much of the journal was about how I feel (felt), and why. Almost no one ever asks how I feel or what I want. I get totally swept under the rug all the time.
Case in point, the entire journal was ignored for what I’m guessing is a couple of lines. And if that’s true, it once again proves my point. But it doesn’t matter anymore.
I will say again that I do no hate anyone. Disappointed maybe, but no hate.
Things weren’t all bad, and I’m not going to pretend that they were.
I have said more than a few times that I am very grateful for the help that I did receive, and for everything that was done for me. There were some fun times. There were some good things that happened.
I want to thank the few people that actually did try to help me. I sat and spent all my time trying to make others happen when I should have been spending my time with you guys.
I apologize for that, and I am thankful for your help.
What was said was said. Even though I had already talked about it quite some time ago anyway. Mistakes happen. I was trying to talk about them so I could finally put them behind me.
But again, maybe I could have handled it better, or just not said anything about it at all. But what about the other mistakes that are made that I didn’t do? That hinder me? That I have to deal with?
Why is it I can do 99 things right, but the one time I make a mistake, the world stops, and what I may have done is overwhelmingly exaggerated and held over my head for all time?
I’ve been asking this question for about 30 years now: What did I do that was wrong?
What about the way I feel?
I’ve yet to get a real answer for that. People seem to have a lot to say about it, but not one will come to me and talk about it.
And I think it’s a rotten deal. Just… talk to me. Please.
I will further go on to say that, I absolutely refuse to be pushed into another deep depression. Anyone who has ever experienced that knows what I am talking about.
And I am silly. I have a silly personality. It is in my nature, I think. I have always been a silly person, and it sucks to have it used against me so often. But I’m not getting rid of it for anyone. Not anymore.
I tried to become a better person for everyone else, but I always neglected myself. But I want to become a better person for me. And I think that I have. And I think that I will continue to.
There may be people out there that say bad things about me, but I don’t want to continue to say bad things about myself.
The road to self recovery and self-help can be bumpy, but there is a road, and it does lead to a better place. And I don’t want to throw all that work away to pretend that I’m all smiles all the time about some people.
I’m here.
Talk to me if you want something.
I’ve told everyone that, and to this day I still have yet for anyone to apologize, or talk to me about the things that have happened, to not be condescending towards me.
But I can’t sit and wait for people forever. I’m trying to make my life better.
It has been apparent to me for a very long time that I… don’t really vibe well with people. I get that, it’s not hard to see. I’m not sure what the problem is, but clearly there’s a problem.
I’m not sure if I’m the problem, but I often find myself in the middle of it. So with that being said, I’m trying to leave. Clearly I’ve been a burden, and I’m trying to fix it.
Just, it’s not the easiest thing to do. It takes a lot of time and a lot of money. But one day, the day will come when I’m finally out of everyone’s hair for good.
Until that day comes, just please work with me. I may not be the best, but I’m trying.
I’m so very tired….
Putting a stop to this before it becomes a trend
General | Posted 2 years agoI didn't think I'd be making another journal so soon after my last one, especially since I said I probably won't be making much anymore (but how many times have I said something I wasn't going to do [or repeated a journal] and still did it?), but I want to talk about something now before it catches on too much.
Looking back at my journals, this happened to me less than a year ago. And it happened to me again a little while ago.
In fact, it was about the same time (~9pm), and in the same place.
I was walking to a nearby store, and had only just left the house minutes prior when some car (a truck) pulled up next to me, and shot at me with a rapid fire BB gun. Then sped off.
No warning. No beeps or yelling or even laughing. No "just kidding" or anything to let me know the nature of what just happened.
Just pulled up, shot at me, then sped off like a real drive-by (this was a real drive-by, but you know what I mean).
I don't think I should have to say this, but I'm going to say this:
PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THIS
For one, if I'm carrying a [projectile] weapon and you shoot at me suddenly, then in the heat of the moment, I'm going to want to return fire. Yours might be a toy, but what if mine isn't?
Two, that scares the crap out of me. Sure, the people on the inside probably thought it was funny as hell, randomly shooting some dude in the butt several times and speeding off (the first time it was on the side of my leg).
But that's scary. They might not kill or maim, but those BBs hurt. And being that I don't carry a weapon on me, it reminds me just how quickly and easy I could be gunned down, and there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it.
And three, just like the first one, this is infuriating. Even if I'm not able to return fire with a real weapon, I could easily pick up a rock and chuck it at your vehicle before you speed off. You could lose a window, you could get a dent, you might even get hit.
Again, it's a heat of the moment kind of thing. In the heat of the moment, I might wanna kick your butt. Sure, I might not be able to and you could suddenly stop in the middle of the road, and a group of tough guys could come out and jump me.
I've been jumped before. Almost 12 on one. I was little, and it was just a bully messing with my sister, but still. What if I'm the tough guy and take you down instead?
Heck, what if I'm driving and someone does this to me in my car? My big, slow, heavy, under-powered diesel might not be able to do laps around anyone, but what if I decide to respond by ramming you against a pole?
My car weighs almost 4 tons (supposedly). All I would have to do is build up a little bit of speed and aim it at you.
Now, I get it. It's a prank (I guess?). It's meant to be funny, maybe. But there's a limit to these things. Especially in this day and age where everyone's is out to get everyone.
There's just some things you shouldn't do, and I think this is one of them.
...I'm... glad it started raining after I got out of the store. I just...needed to calm down a bit. A lot of times, I feel the world unfairly throws all these curve balls at me. Though there is the rare few times when I feel it just wants to cheer me up.
I don't usually get mad at things, I really don't. A lot of people assume I do, especially when they take a look at my face. But there are some things that I don't like, and a handful of things that infuriate me.
Just... please be careful out there people. Yes I have a car, but I still walk when I can. I don't want to get too dependent on being lazy, and my car is loud anyway so I don't want to wake anyone.
But walking or not, just please be careful.
Looking back at my journals, this happened to me less than a year ago. And it happened to me again a little while ago.
In fact, it was about the same time (~9pm), and in the same place.
I was walking to a nearby store, and had only just left the house minutes prior when some car (a truck) pulled up next to me, and shot at me with a rapid fire BB gun. Then sped off.
No warning. No beeps or yelling or even laughing. No "just kidding" or anything to let me know the nature of what just happened.
Just pulled up, shot at me, then sped off like a real drive-by (this was a real drive-by, but you know what I mean).
I don't think I should have to say this, but I'm going to say this:
PLEASE DON'T EVER DO THIS
For one, if I'm carrying a [projectile] weapon and you shoot at me suddenly, then in the heat of the moment, I'm going to want to return fire. Yours might be a toy, but what if mine isn't?
Two, that scares the crap out of me. Sure, the people on the inside probably thought it was funny as hell, randomly shooting some dude in the butt several times and speeding off (the first time it was on the side of my leg).
But that's scary. They might not kill or maim, but those BBs hurt. And being that I don't carry a weapon on me, it reminds me just how quickly and easy I could be gunned down, and there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it.
And three, just like the first one, this is infuriating. Even if I'm not able to return fire with a real weapon, I could easily pick up a rock and chuck it at your vehicle before you speed off. You could lose a window, you could get a dent, you might even get hit.
Again, it's a heat of the moment kind of thing. In the heat of the moment, I might wanna kick your butt. Sure, I might not be able to and you could suddenly stop in the middle of the road, and a group of tough guys could come out and jump me.
I've been jumped before. Almost 12 on one. I was little, and it was just a bully messing with my sister, but still. What if I'm the tough guy and take you down instead?
Heck, what if I'm driving and someone does this to me in my car? My big, slow, heavy, under-powered diesel might not be able to do laps around anyone, but what if I decide to respond by ramming you against a pole?
My car weighs almost 4 tons (supposedly). All I would have to do is build up a little bit of speed and aim it at you.
Now, I get it. It's a prank (I guess?). It's meant to be funny, maybe. But there's a limit to these things. Especially in this day and age where everyone's is out to get everyone.
There's just some things you shouldn't do, and I think this is one of them.
...I'm... glad it started raining after I got out of the store. I just...needed to calm down a bit. A lot of times, I feel the world unfairly throws all these curve balls at me. Though there is the rare few times when I feel it just wants to cheer me up.
I don't usually get mad at things, I really don't. A lot of people assume I do, especially when they take a look at my face. But there are some things that I don't like, and a handful of things that infuriate me.
Just... please be careful out there people. Yes I have a car, but I still walk when I can. I don't want to get too dependent on being lazy, and my car is loud anyway so I don't want to wake anyone.
But walking or not, just please be careful.
18th AnniFURsary
General | Posted 2 years agoI didn't know how to start this journal, though after making so many journals, and especially after writing an unposted journal last year that was over 105 pages long, I've learned that the best way to go about these is either when you are calm and collected, or from many different angles and emotions of your life over time.
That whole thing was one sentence.
I haven't been so much gone, as I've just been in the background. For a long while, I was severely depressed. For a long while, some things rubbed me the wrong way that made me spend more time elsewhere. And for, well, all my life now, but especially recently, I've been questioning my life. Many things in my life. Who I am, where I'm going, what I should do, what I should believe, etc.
A huge reason why I was in a deep depression was because of how I was treated and used by some people.
-- Spending all my time trying to make a game for some people, only for them to completely waste my time, lie about me to a lot of people for brownie points, and mistreat me almost the entire time. And after almost a year of not talking with them anymore, would send random people to my stream, claiming I was attacking them. I stopped streaming because of it.
-- Tricked to move states away with a person who was supposed to be a friend, only to realize they were a manipulative prick. Was lied to and lied about constantly. Felt up for years and they wouldn't stop every single time I told them to stop until I had to become aggressive about it. Would smile to my face but absolutely tear me down behind my back.
-- Spent months making free material for some people, and never asked for anything in return except maybe to hang out every so often. After asking for 8 months, was finally granted an audience for 2 minutes, only for them to ask for money, and then walk away leaving me for hours. Then would eventually post a journal that called me out for "asking for too much".
And so many more things. That's just a few examples to give an idea. This isn't limited to just online interactions. I didn't want to be too specific about any one person or situation. This stuff would affect my living situation, my job, my friendships, would compromise my journals and my character, and most of all, my wellbeing and trust in people. All of this together would continually push my mind further and further into a bad place. I already had issues with people and situations beforehand, but a lot of this was sudden and back to back, and I ended up losing one of the longest running "friends" that I've ever had. But looking at it, who knows if it was even a legitimate friendship in the first place.
I kept changing what I did and who I was to please other people. But when I finally found the courage to try and stand up for myself, I was instantly thrown under the bus by multiple people, and left for dead. Including by "good friends" of mine. That kind of stuff leaves a person mentally and emotionally stranded in a void. I'm only good enough as a person if I allow myself to be used? While they make it out that I am a bad person, that's the message everyone wanted to give me, and that's not considered strange or looked down upon?
At some point, I got dogs. Always wanted a dog, though part of the reason I got one was to show everyone that I'm not the horrible person that all of those lies kept making me out to be. But I guess I had forgotten... no one cares about truth. People only care about being agreed with and being noticed about the things they preach. If actual truth was followed and cared about more, this would be a very different world.
For most of my life now, I've tried to look at the world in as non-biased and truthful way as possible. It's a big reason for some of my more unpopular beliefs. But a lot of my beliefs, the kind of person that I am, and where I am in life has made me feel... inadequate, lacking, shame, weak, weird, etc.
For 2 reasons. One, I've been trying to cater to other people. I've been doing it all my life, spending way more of my time making sure other people are happy instead of myself. I just wanted to make sure the people around me were happy and safe, but I would always put myself on the back burner. And 2, I didn't have any or very much pride. You see, we spend our entire lives being taught very specific things. That such and such is what we're supposed to be believe. That this thing shouldn't be done until you're 18. That this and that are sins and make you a monster. Etc. But as I've said, I've tried to look at the world in as realistic and truthful way as possible.
I've seen the way people treat something they don't agree with. I've seen the way they go after what is considered taboo and what is generally looked down upon, even if said people are some of the best people you would ever meet. I've seen how people treat others when they aren't popular or being vouched for someone that is. I see how two-faced these so called "nice people" are. I've seen the horrific and unfair treatment from people who are supposed to be just and honorable. I've had confidentiality issues with people who were trained and swore up and down they could be trusted. I've had some of the worst times in my life with people who were supposed to be some of my best friends. I've seen people banned just for being proud to be themselves, yet people who would tell them to go kill themselves and send some of the nastiest and hateful messages, right in front of moderators, have absolutely nothing happen to them.
I've seen what the world tells me to do, what it claims to be, how it holds itself above others, how it punishes those that are different, and what it actually is in many cases. And if trying to please people like that are what I "have to do" and is considered normal, then I'd rather be considered the "bad kind of person", even though I know that I'm not.
Quite frankly, I'm just tired of it all. The fighting never seems to stop. It just gets worse. There is BS all around, yet too many people call it normality. When we should be together, helping and understanding one another, instead there are just too many instigators trying to push for violence against people that "should" be hated, and there is more fracturing of the communities that some of us hold dear to our hearts. There is so much negativity, exaggerated emotions,
I thought I was over the depression, and maybe I was, but apparently when you've undergone deep depression, there are lasting effects, and I guess there are layers to getting over things.
I just feel so regretful in life. It feels like so many people kept stepping in the way of my life to halt what I wanted to do, to try and change me, and to stop me from being me. And all of them got away with it. No one ---not a single person--- came back later at any point in time to say they were sorry for what they had done, tried to understand what they had done, or care to apologize at all in any way. Not one of them took any real responsibility for their actions. And because of it I feel so... fractured. It's even messed with my speech a little bit. And though I had a bit of an issue with focusing before, now... I've almost completely lost interest in every thing. I've even forgotten how to do the one thing I know how to do in life (3d model). And in a way... I don't exist (hear me out). When people go around and lie about you for so long, the only thing that people know about you is the version that someone else wanted to create of you. And again, this isn't just an online thing. I've gotten written up for things I didn't do at work because of this stuff. I've grown up with family members giving me hateful looks and saying things under their breath because of things my mom would tell others. If everyone knows a version of you that isn't true rather than the real you, that means the only person in the world that knows the real you is yourself, and that person only exists in your head. Meaning, by process of elimination, because of the power of lies, deceit, and people's tenacity to believe whatever they want to believe, the real me is but a ghost in the ether.
Today is my anniFURsary; 18 years of being in the fandom. I was hoping this journal would have been much more lighthearted. But I'm nearly 40 years old. Imagine living a life like that for so long. It sucks.
I never told anyone I hate them in life. I often had to go and fix their problems, or work around them. In fact, even after everything, I want to let it be known that I don't hate anyone. I truly don't. I don't want to have hate in my heart to give to anyone. That was another part of getting dogs, to seek out the bit of negativity that was hard to reach in my heart and hopefully get rid of it. I still have some work to do, but I feel I've become a better person. And though I know that I didn't hurt anyone in life, certainly not intentionally, some people might take things differently. So I want to apologize to anyone who I might have hurt, who I might have offended, and apologize if I came off as... (gah, I dislike this word) "cringey".
I want to get over this and get back to doing stuff. Using quite a bit of self help some time ago, I have gotten better. But rather than trying to go back to what never was, perhaps I should just work on being the person I've always wanted to be from the beginning. I'm not going to promise that I'll come back with art or whatever, though I would like to make stuff and start posting again. To be fair, as I mentioned earlier, even the existence of my journals was compromised. I only wanted to make a handful of silly journals, with a few of them being informative. It was other people that wanted me to make many more, and make them long and drawn out. Then made fun of me behind my back for it. So I may not be posting as many journals either. This journal has taken me way more time and is way longer than what I wanted it to be, so let me wrap it up by giving a few tips to anyone who might have had to suffer for the same things, or is genuinely trying to become a better person.
-- Be more honest.
Not just to others, but to yourself. It's harder than it seems because I've noticed while trying to be a more honest person that we live in a kind of lie-centric society. Telling the truth can sometimes get you in trouble or land you in awkward situations, so it's no wonder why a lot of people lie so much. Still, stop lying to yourself and be more honest.
-- Believe in your mind
Deep depression has a lot of very bad things going for it. It starts to feel like you're being eaten from the inside out. At some point, you start feeling like a zombie, like you're alive and wide awake but also like you feel like you're dead and so tired. A big thing that pushed me out of depression was realizing that I have a mind of my own, and that I have my own viewpoints. Getting into a couple of discussions with some people kind of kickstarted my brain back into working.
-- Remember who you are
Severe / Deep depression has a horrible effect of starting to erase who you are. Like it starts to eat at your memories, your personality, your interests, etc. Being that I'm always questioning myself and didn't know who I 100% was didn't help at all. Another thing that kept me from slipping further into darkness was remembering the bits of me that I know are definitely true. I am a silly person at heart. The wackiness in me legit saved me from dying.
-- Be yourself
Not just for depression's sake, but a very powerful thing you can do in your life in general, is be yourself. If you know who you are, or at least what you want to be, be that thing. I want to be a silly person. I want to help people. I want to learn new things. I want to try and work things out. I want to try and get people together. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be kind. I want to think for myself. I want to be understanding. I want to be tolerant. I might not know much, but I know I want those things, and I've been working towards them. Unlike some of the people that tear me down in the background... I really don't have anyone to talk or complain to. The few that I did or tried to talk to would just randomly disappear or drop me. I know it goes on despite people acting differently towards me. I've heard it. I've seen it. But you know what? I want to drop those things from my mind. I don't want anything else to drag me down or hold me back. A large portion of this journal is negative, and I apologize for that, but it hasn't been all bad, and I have to look at more of the positive things. I have become a better person, and I am becoming more of who I want to be.
Even if there's all these different versions of me all around, or all these long journals have turned everyone away, or people just avoid me in general, I'm still going to work towards being myself. No matter how weird or silly of a person that might be. I don't want to scroll back up, so I want to say again that I don't hate anyone. I don't have any real animosity towards anyone. I might be disappointed in some of them, but I don't hate them. To the people that have genuinely tried to help me or make me feel better, thank you very much. I apologize that I didn't spend nearly enough time with you guys. I had it backwards. I spent all my time with the wrong people.
I probably won't be posting that many journals anymore, and I don't know what kind of content I'll be posting in the future. But I do want to post again. Sorry for the long journal. I keep doing the same things expecting a different result, so I'm changing things up.
I apologize to the few that sent me notes and I never answered. Sorry, was in a bad place. If you wish to talk to me, whoever you are, you're more than welcome to. At some point, I'd like to get back to streaming as well. Hopefully you all start to see better things from me rather than just negative journals.
Thank you for your time.
That whole thing was one sentence.
I haven't been so much gone, as I've just been in the background. For a long while, I was severely depressed. For a long while, some things rubbed me the wrong way that made me spend more time elsewhere. And for, well, all my life now, but especially recently, I've been questioning my life. Many things in my life. Who I am, where I'm going, what I should do, what I should believe, etc.
A huge reason why I was in a deep depression was because of how I was treated and used by some people.
-- Spending all my time trying to make a game for some people, only for them to completely waste my time, lie about me to a lot of people for brownie points, and mistreat me almost the entire time. And after almost a year of not talking with them anymore, would send random people to my stream, claiming I was attacking them. I stopped streaming because of it.
-- Tricked to move states away with a person who was supposed to be a friend, only to realize they were a manipulative prick. Was lied to and lied about constantly. Felt up for years and they wouldn't stop every single time I told them to stop until I had to become aggressive about it. Would smile to my face but absolutely tear me down behind my back.
-- Spent months making free material for some people, and never asked for anything in return except maybe to hang out every so often. After asking for 8 months, was finally granted an audience for 2 minutes, only for them to ask for money, and then walk away leaving me for hours. Then would eventually post a journal that called me out for "asking for too much".
And so many more things. That's just a few examples to give an idea. This isn't limited to just online interactions. I didn't want to be too specific about any one person or situation. This stuff would affect my living situation, my job, my friendships, would compromise my journals and my character, and most of all, my wellbeing and trust in people. All of this together would continually push my mind further and further into a bad place. I already had issues with people and situations beforehand, but a lot of this was sudden and back to back, and I ended up losing one of the longest running "friends" that I've ever had. But looking at it, who knows if it was even a legitimate friendship in the first place.
I kept changing what I did and who I was to please other people. But when I finally found the courage to try and stand up for myself, I was instantly thrown under the bus by multiple people, and left for dead. Including by "good friends" of mine. That kind of stuff leaves a person mentally and emotionally stranded in a void. I'm only good enough as a person if I allow myself to be used? While they make it out that I am a bad person, that's the message everyone wanted to give me, and that's not considered strange or looked down upon?
At some point, I got dogs. Always wanted a dog, though part of the reason I got one was to show everyone that I'm not the horrible person that all of those lies kept making me out to be. But I guess I had forgotten... no one cares about truth. People only care about being agreed with and being noticed about the things they preach. If actual truth was followed and cared about more, this would be a very different world.
For most of my life now, I've tried to look at the world in as non-biased and truthful way as possible. It's a big reason for some of my more unpopular beliefs. But a lot of my beliefs, the kind of person that I am, and where I am in life has made me feel... inadequate, lacking, shame, weak, weird, etc.
For 2 reasons. One, I've been trying to cater to other people. I've been doing it all my life, spending way more of my time making sure other people are happy instead of myself. I just wanted to make sure the people around me were happy and safe, but I would always put myself on the back burner. And 2, I didn't have any or very much pride. You see, we spend our entire lives being taught very specific things. That such and such is what we're supposed to be believe. That this thing shouldn't be done until you're 18. That this and that are sins and make you a monster. Etc. But as I've said, I've tried to look at the world in as realistic and truthful way as possible.
I've seen the way people treat something they don't agree with. I've seen the way they go after what is considered taboo and what is generally looked down upon, even if said people are some of the best people you would ever meet. I've seen how people treat others when they aren't popular or being vouched for someone that is. I see how two-faced these so called "nice people" are. I've seen the horrific and unfair treatment from people who are supposed to be just and honorable. I've had confidentiality issues with people who were trained and swore up and down they could be trusted. I've had some of the worst times in my life with people who were supposed to be some of my best friends. I've seen people banned just for being proud to be themselves, yet people who would tell them to go kill themselves and send some of the nastiest and hateful messages, right in front of moderators, have absolutely nothing happen to them.
I've seen what the world tells me to do, what it claims to be, how it holds itself above others, how it punishes those that are different, and what it actually is in many cases. And if trying to please people like that are what I "have to do" and is considered normal, then I'd rather be considered the "bad kind of person", even though I know that I'm not.
Quite frankly, I'm just tired of it all. The fighting never seems to stop. It just gets worse. There is BS all around, yet too many people call it normality. When we should be together, helping and understanding one another, instead there are just too many instigators trying to push for violence against people that "should" be hated, and there is more fracturing of the communities that some of us hold dear to our hearts. There is so much negativity, exaggerated emotions,
I thought I was over the depression, and maybe I was, but apparently when you've undergone deep depression, there are lasting effects, and I guess there are layers to getting over things.
I just feel so regretful in life. It feels like so many people kept stepping in the way of my life to halt what I wanted to do, to try and change me, and to stop me from being me. And all of them got away with it. No one ---not a single person--- came back later at any point in time to say they were sorry for what they had done, tried to understand what they had done, or care to apologize at all in any way. Not one of them took any real responsibility for their actions. And because of it I feel so... fractured. It's even messed with my speech a little bit. And though I had a bit of an issue with focusing before, now... I've almost completely lost interest in every thing. I've even forgotten how to do the one thing I know how to do in life (3d model). And in a way... I don't exist (hear me out). When people go around and lie about you for so long, the only thing that people know about you is the version that someone else wanted to create of you. And again, this isn't just an online thing. I've gotten written up for things I didn't do at work because of this stuff. I've grown up with family members giving me hateful looks and saying things under their breath because of things my mom would tell others. If everyone knows a version of you that isn't true rather than the real you, that means the only person in the world that knows the real you is yourself, and that person only exists in your head. Meaning, by process of elimination, because of the power of lies, deceit, and people's tenacity to believe whatever they want to believe, the real me is but a ghost in the ether.
Today is my anniFURsary; 18 years of being in the fandom. I was hoping this journal would have been much more lighthearted. But I'm nearly 40 years old. Imagine living a life like that for so long. It sucks.
I never told anyone I hate them in life. I often had to go and fix their problems, or work around them. In fact, even after everything, I want to let it be known that I don't hate anyone. I truly don't. I don't want to have hate in my heart to give to anyone. That was another part of getting dogs, to seek out the bit of negativity that was hard to reach in my heart and hopefully get rid of it. I still have some work to do, but I feel I've become a better person. And though I know that I didn't hurt anyone in life, certainly not intentionally, some people might take things differently. So I want to apologize to anyone who I might have hurt, who I might have offended, and apologize if I came off as... (gah, I dislike this word) "cringey".
I want to get over this and get back to doing stuff. Using quite a bit of self help some time ago, I have gotten better. But rather than trying to go back to what never was, perhaps I should just work on being the person I've always wanted to be from the beginning. I'm not going to promise that I'll come back with art or whatever, though I would like to make stuff and start posting again. To be fair, as I mentioned earlier, even the existence of my journals was compromised. I only wanted to make a handful of silly journals, with a few of them being informative. It was other people that wanted me to make many more, and make them long and drawn out. Then made fun of me behind my back for it. So I may not be posting as many journals either. This journal has taken me way more time and is way longer than what I wanted it to be, so let me wrap it up by giving a few tips to anyone who might have had to suffer for the same things, or is genuinely trying to become a better person.
-- Be more honest.
Not just to others, but to yourself. It's harder than it seems because I've noticed while trying to be a more honest person that we live in a kind of lie-centric society. Telling the truth can sometimes get you in trouble or land you in awkward situations, so it's no wonder why a lot of people lie so much. Still, stop lying to yourself and be more honest.
-- Believe in your mind
Deep depression has a lot of very bad things going for it. It starts to feel like you're being eaten from the inside out. At some point, you start feeling like a zombie, like you're alive and wide awake but also like you feel like you're dead and so tired. A big thing that pushed me out of depression was realizing that I have a mind of my own, and that I have my own viewpoints. Getting into a couple of discussions with some people kind of kickstarted my brain back into working.
-- Remember who you are
Severe / Deep depression has a horrible effect of starting to erase who you are. Like it starts to eat at your memories, your personality, your interests, etc. Being that I'm always questioning myself and didn't know who I 100% was didn't help at all. Another thing that kept me from slipping further into darkness was remembering the bits of me that I know are definitely true. I am a silly person at heart. The wackiness in me legit saved me from dying.
-- Be yourself
Not just for depression's sake, but a very powerful thing you can do in your life in general, is be yourself. If you know who you are, or at least what you want to be, be that thing. I want to be a silly person. I want to help people. I want to learn new things. I want to try and work things out. I want to try and get people together. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be kind. I want to think for myself. I want to be understanding. I want to be tolerant. I might not know much, but I know I want those things, and I've been working towards them. Unlike some of the people that tear me down in the background... I really don't have anyone to talk or complain to. The few that I did or tried to talk to would just randomly disappear or drop me. I know it goes on despite people acting differently towards me. I've heard it. I've seen it. But you know what? I want to drop those things from my mind. I don't want anything else to drag me down or hold me back. A large portion of this journal is negative, and I apologize for that, but it hasn't been all bad, and I have to look at more of the positive things. I have become a better person, and I am becoming more of who I want to be.
Even if there's all these different versions of me all around, or all these long journals have turned everyone away, or people just avoid me in general, I'm still going to work towards being myself. No matter how weird or silly of a person that might be. I don't want to scroll back up, so I want to say again that I don't hate anyone. I don't have any real animosity towards anyone. I might be disappointed in some of them, but I don't hate them. To the people that have genuinely tried to help me or make me feel better, thank you very much. I apologize that I didn't spend nearly enough time with you guys. I had it backwards. I spent all my time with the wrong people.
I probably won't be posting that many journals anymore, and I don't know what kind of content I'll be posting in the future. But I do want to post again. Sorry for the long journal. I keep doing the same things expecting a different result, so I'm changing things up.
I apologize to the few that sent me notes and I never answered. Sorry, was in a bad place. If you wish to talk to me, whoever you are, you're more than welcome to. At some point, I'd like to get back to streaming as well. Hopefully you all start to see better things from me rather than just negative journals.
Thank you for your time.
Oops
General | Posted 3 years agoI think I made a couple of people angry when I pulled in today. Not sure if both were kids, but they were on bikes.
I pulled in right behind them because I usually back into the driveway, but I guess they thought I came in too fast and too reckless.
Also, I have the music really loud. I usually don't have it that loud.
So, though they can't see this, I apologize if I scared anyone. I wish people would please understand these aren't my intents. I say it like that because no one acknowledges whenever I do something good, smart, really cool, etc. But the ~instant~ I make even a tiny mistake, it's blown up like a blimp, thrown in my face, and held over my head forever. People are so dang vain...
Regardless, I guess I gotta be a bit more careful to others, even if I know I'm careful with myself. Sorry. I am still learning.
I pulled in right behind them because I usually back into the driveway, but I guess they thought I came in too fast and too reckless.
Also, I have the music really loud. I usually don't have it that loud.
So, though they can't see this, I apologize if I scared anyone. I wish people would please understand these aren't my intents. I say it like that because no one acknowledges whenever I do something good, smart, really cool, etc. But the ~instant~ I make even a tiny mistake, it's blown up like a blimp, thrown in my face, and held over my head forever. People are so dang vain...
Regardless, I guess I gotta be a bit more careful to others, even if I know I'm careful with myself. Sorry. I am still learning.
Dog Dad
General | Posted 3 years agoGot wished a happy mother's day and a happy father's day.
As someone who wants to be an androgynous hermaphrodite (not just for my character), this pleases me.
In other news... there aren't really any news. Because there really isn't anything that happens around me that's interesting. I'll... talk about it later. I didn't want to because I thought it was best not to, but I think I need to.
And hopefully I can get back into making stuff and have something to show.
As someone who wants to be an androgynous hermaphrodite (not just for my character), this pleases me.
In other news... there aren't really any news. Because there really isn't anything that happens around me that's interesting. I'll... talk about it later. I didn't want to because I thought it was best not to, but I think I need to.
And hopefully I can get back into making stuff and have something to show.
+16
General | Posted 3 years agoMe: "...Yeah, I've been drinking energy drinks for over 20 years now. They mostly used to taste and smell the same until about a few years ago when the more flavorful ones came out."
Them: "20... But you barely look about 20. How are are you?"
Me: "Oh, um... I think I'll be 36 in a few weeks..."
Them: "Oh wow!"
Meh. I guess it's a compliment. I don't mind. Or rather, I guess it's more fitting to say it's hard to care about a lot of things. I've had depression before, but that deep / severe depression really wiped me out. Just as bad as the depression are the effects of it when / if you can finally crawl out of it. It's not to say that I don't want to care about anything, but it's rather hard to do so. Especially when most of the things or people you tried to care about screwed you over, treated you badly, and stabbed you in the back -- the very reason why I went into a deep depression in the first place.
So now I guess I gotta try to find myself. I was already wondering who I was beforehand. Now it's like I lost the little bit of myself I figure out. So I gotta do it all over again, and then some.
I know a few things need to change. Everything is taking so long, but I'm trying. I'd like to become the kind of person that cares for everyone and smiles and laughs a lot. And I kinda still am, but it doesn't feel the same anymore.
Them: "20... But you barely look about 20. How are are you?"
Me: "Oh, um... I think I'll be 36 in a few weeks..."
Them: "Oh wow!"
Meh. I guess it's a compliment. I don't mind. Or rather, I guess it's more fitting to say it's hard to care about a lot of things. I've had depression before, but that deep / severe depression really wiped me out. Just as bad as the depression are the effects of it when / if you can finally crawl out of it. It's not to say that I don't want to care about anything, but it's rather hard to do so. Especially when most of the things or people you tried to care about screwed you over, treated you badly, and stabbed you in the back -- the very reason why I went into a deep depression in the first place.
So now I guess I gotta try to find myself. I was already wondering who I was beforehand. Now it's like I lost the little bit of myself I figure out. So I gotta do it all over again, and then some.
I know a few things need to change. Everything is taking so long, but I'm trying. I'd like to become the kind of person that cares for everyone and smiles and laughs a lot. And I kinda still am, but it doesn't feel the same anymore.
PK
General | Posted 3 years agoSo, I was just in a drive-by.
A play one, with a low powered BB / pellet gun.
Just walking back from the store with some groceries, a car drives by as they always do, and as it gets near me for the half a second it's there, I hear a few clicks and feel something graze my leg.
At first I thought I might have hit a rock, but then I realized I didn't and it dawned on me. I was shot at.
Again, with what I'm sure is a toy pellet gun. A lower powered one. Higher powered ones, even if they aren't real guns, could still pierce the skin. Even so, it had a little bit of power to it.
You know, I don't really care about people screaming out of their window at me. Most of the time it's some dude yelling racial slurs at me, but I haven't heard him for a while. Often it's just someone attempting to scare me.
But I don't really agree with this one, even if I'm just fine. Still, anyone could easily get the wrong idea. If that person is armed, they could easily fire back and they could either get seriously hurt, or have serious car damage.
Meh. Not the first drive-by I've been in / nearly been in, and not the first time I've had a gun in my face.
If you wanna kill me, then just do so. I'm sure almost no one would care and it would be doing many a favor.
My only, or one of a few regrets, is that I'd be leaving my dogs behind if that happened, and I know for a fact no one around here would even try to take care of them. I've seen their form of "care". ...They'd be dead in a week.
A play one, with a low powered BB / pellet gun.
Just walking back from the store with some groceries, a car drives by as they always do, and as it gets near me for the half a second it's there, I hear a few clicks and feel something graze my leg.
At first I thought I might have hit a rock, but then I realized I didn't and it dawned on me. I was shot at.
Again, with what I'm sure is a toy pellet gun. A lower powered one. Higher powered ones, even if they aren't real guns, could still pierce the skin. Even so, it had a little bit of power to it.
You know, I don't really care about people screaming out of their window at me. Most of the time it's some dude yelling racial slurs at me, but I haven't heard him for a while. Often it's just someone attempting to scare me.
But I don't really agree with this one, even if I'm just fine. Still, anyone could easily get the wrong idea. If that person is armed, they could easily fire back and they could either get seriously hurt, or have serious car damage.
Meh. Not the first drive-by I've been in / nearly been in, and not the first time I've had a gun in my face.
If you wanna kill me, then just do so. I'm sure almost no one would care and it would be doing many a favor.
My only, or one of a few regrets, is that I'd be leaving my dogs behind if that happened, and I know for a fact no one around here would even try to take care of them. I've seen their form of "care". ...They'd be dead in a week.
Yummy oops
General | Posted 3 years agoAccidentally discovered how to make a funnel cake tonight.
...My diet hates me already.
...My diet hates me already.
Dog Mom
General | Posted 3 years ago"Hey Zex... I was thinking. Since you call your dogs your kids... Happy Mother's Day!"
Told to me by a co-worker today. I can honestly say I've never been told that before, nor was I expecting it at all.
But it made me feel good, heh heh.
Yay, I'm a mom...
Told to me by a co-worker today. I can honestly say I've never been told that before, nor was I expecting it at all.
But it made me feel good, heh heh.
Yay, I'm a mom...
Don't be a ful. I'm too powerfool.
General | Posted 3 years agoSorry, I don't really have anything funny to say. No jokes or anything. And a lot of people seem to hate laughing nowadays.
Even the idea of cracking a smile is "traumatic" I guess. So, more fun for people like me I suppose.
Though it's just me. All my friends are long gone. Though maybe they were never truly there to begin with.
It's fine, I just have to [re]learn how to enjoy my own company.
Anyway, too much sappy stuff. Tired of being sad. Here are some links.
It's, um... it's been a while, so I kind of forgot how to put videos here and stuff, so I'll just post links.
I mentioned some things that helped me get out of depression. I might still be in it to be honest, but I'm much better than I was before. If that's you and I could help, then I hope some of these work for you:
https://www.youtube.com/c/Psych2go
A channel about mental and emotional health
https://www.youtube.com/c/SuccessMentors
A channel about motivation
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCg.....F3MyyUto0-M5Lw
This channel didn't help me as much, but it's something. It's a channel about ideals and expanding the mind.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCF.....Ll_cJphb6hDSIw
This is their smaller channel with clips instead of entire episodes. For those who don't have the time.
And now for some music. I haven't shared music in a while. Unfortunately, I can't remember how to post videos directly on journals anymore.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkRL_F-mRy4
Plini - Impulse Voices
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5K684N_Tnw
Scale the Summit - Oracle
(It's a shame what happened to the band. Granted they still make music, but it's not quite the same)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHcAi2FPrTM
Polypia - O.D.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73wt2vA0ncA
Something random I found when looking for guitars.
That's probably it for now. Enjoy. Or, I'll enjoy if it's still just me.
Even the idea of cracking a smile is "traumatic" I guess. So, more fun for people like me I suppose.
Though it's just me. All my friends are long gone. Though maybe they were never truly there to begin with.
It's fine, I just have to [re]learn how to enjoy my own company.
Anyway, too much sappy stuff. Tired of being sad. Here are some links.
It's, um... it's been a while, so I kind of forgot how to put videos here and stuff, so I'll just post links.
I mentioned some things that helped me get out of depression. I might still be in it to be honest, but I'm much better than I was before. If that's you and I could help, then I hope some of these work for you:
https://www.youtube.com/c/Psych2go
A channel about mental and emotional health
https://www.youtube.com/c/SuccessMentors
A channel about motivation
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCg.....F3MyyUto0-M5Lw
This channel didn't help me as much, but it's something. It's a channel about ideals and expanding the mind.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCF.....Ll_cJphb6hDSIw
This is their smaller channel with clips instead of entire episodes. For those who don't have the time.
And now for some music. I haven't shared music in a while. Unfortunately, I can't remember how to post videos directly on journals anymore.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkRL_F-mRy4
Plini - Impulse Voices
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5K684N_Tnw
Scale the Summit - Oracle
(It's a shame what happened to the band. Granted they still make music, but it's not quite the same)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHcAi2FPrTM
Polypia - O.D.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73wt2vA0ncA
Something random I found when looking for guitars.
That's probably it for now. Enjoy. Or, I'll enjoy if it's still just me.
Fur 17
General | Posted 3 years agoI guess I'm back to posting journals, though I won't be posting too many.
Better than shutting myself in and up.
I just remembered (again) that today is my 17th anniFURsary. That is to say, my 17 years of officially being a furry.
I've seen a lot of good and bad that comes along with those 17 years, though lately it's been a lot of bad. I don't like that "new" narrative of how only paraphiles are ruining the fandom. I don't think that's true at all.
For one, you hardly see them. When you do, they are almost always minding their business. And ironically, they are far more accepting and understanding than a fandom that claims to still be that yet shuns them very harshly. Of course I understand the stigmas associated with them, but then doesn't every label have it's share of stigmas, stereotypes, history, misinformation, etc.? I've come across areas of the net where people try and make PSAs against those kinds of people, making them out to be devils and whatnot. To me... it looked almost like a training ground for future trolls or something. Very similar to what I saw when I almost went to the army. It's just something that really rubs me the wrong way. And I know what's going to come of those things. Imagine if 10% of the butt holes you meet today are 90% of the average people you meet tomorrow. For those who've been in the fandom very long, you might say that same thing about a lot of furs now. Meh.
They are not fandom exclusive as some people make it out to be; they can be found everywhere. The furry fandom, the gaming fandom, the anime fandom, science fiction fandoms, etc. We're all basically neighbors of each other, and I've been hearing about how those fandoms have similar problems. Again, I don't think that is the problem, though I realize my opinion is a wildly unpopular one. I think judgement should be up to the individual, not a generalized attack. Things like this war don't help. All the restrictions and sanctions put against Russia to try and slow down their forces are doing more against the regular people that have nothing to do with anything than it is against the government and military that is.
...That was something I kind of wanted to add to my last journal, so I said it here. But I don't want to make long journals that often.
But it's not all bad. If you only focus on the bad, that's all you're going to know after so long. Truth be told, in all this time, I've only met a couple of furs in person, only have talked to a handful of furs online, and haven't been to a fur con yet. Though I don't really want to meet all that many new people (not yet), I would kind of like to meet a couple more furs, and I'd like to go to a con at least once or twice.
There isn't really much for me to do right now. Especially with me only have less than an hour.
I'm supposed to be on a diet, and I don't have much money, but maybe I'll celebrate by eating more food or something. No one to hang out with or talk to, so not really much choice here.
Stay positive everyone!
Better than shutting myself in and up.
I just remembered (again) that today is my 17th anniFURsary. That is to say, my 17 years of officially being a furry.
I've seen a lot of good and bad that comes along with those 17 years, though lately it's been a lot of bad. I don't like that "new" narrative of how only paraphiles are ruining the fandom. I don't think that's true at all.
For one, you hardly see them. When you do, they are almost always minding their business. And ironically, they are far more accepting and understanding than a fandom that claims to still be that yet shuns them very harshly. Of course I understand the stigmas associated with them, but then doesn't every label have it's share of stigmas, stereotypes, history, misinformation, etc.? I've come across areas of the net where people try and make PSAs against those kinds of people, making them out to be devils and whatnot. To me... it looked almost like a training ground for future trolls or something. Very similar to what I saw when I almost went to the army. It's just something that really rubs me the wrong way. And I know what's going to come of those things. Imagine if 10% of the butt holes you meet today are 90% of the average people you meet tomorrow. For those who've been in the fandom very long, you might say that same thing about a lot of furs now. Meh.
They are not fandom exclusive as some people make it out to be; they can be found everywhere. The furry fandom, the gaming fandom, the anime fandom, science fiction fandoms, etc. We're all basically neighbors of each other, and I've been hearing about how those fandoms have similar problems. Again, I don't think that is the problem, though I realize my opinion is a wildly unpopular one. I think judgement should be up to the individual, not a generalized attack. Things like this war don't help. All the restrictions and sanctions put against Russia to try and slow down their forces are doing more against the regular people that have nothing to do with anything than it is against the government and military that is.
...That was something I kind of wanted to add to my last journal, so I said it here. But I don't want to make long journals that often.
But it's not all bad. If you only focus on the bad, that's all you're going to know after so long. Truth be told, in all this time, I've only met a couple of furs in person, only have talked to a handful of furs online, and haven't been to a fur con yet. Though I don't really want to meet all that many new people (not yet), I would kind of like to meet a couple more furs, and I'd like to go to a con at least once or twice.
There isn't really much for me to do right now. Especially with me only have less than an hour.
I'm supposed to be on a diet, and I don't have much money, but maybe I'll celebrate by eating more food or something. No one to hang out with or talk to, so not really much choice here.
Stay positive everyone!
Peace of mind for a piece of mind
General | Posted 3 years ago...How do I even begin a journal like this...
I have been in a deep depression for the last several years. I realized when I just couldn't seem to do anything, no matter how much I tried. I looked it up and discovered I was in a depression worse than usual. I didn't even know it existed. I tried doing what I could to get rid of it, and nothing seemed to work. It's been only within the last few months I think that it really feels as though I'm finally reaching the top and about to climb out of it. I had to do all the climbing myself, I had no help. When I tried to get help, no one cared. I've been searching up many things to try and help myself and my situation, and as such have learned many things. Like standing up for myself. Something I finally built the courage to do years ago, only to have it immediately backfire upon me.
What happened?
People happened. Jobs happened. Life happened. Death almost happened...
The people that I trusted the most and cared for more than others threw me under the bus with no remorse. When everyone wanted something, whether it was my time or money or what I could make, or even my body, that's all most people seemed to care about. When I made them happy, irregardless of my own happiness, they were happy. Mostly. No matter what I did or said, they were never truly happy, but I guess things were good enough. But the few times I needed help or had a problem, no one was there. I couldn't get support for almost anything, but if anyone else needed anything, I was right there waiting. I had better been waiting, otherwise I wouldn't hear the end of it. I'd buy things for them, sometimes costing hundreds of dollars. I'd make stuff for them, sometimes taking me months. If they wanted sex, I'd role play as best I could with them, or bend over for them no problem. Digitally of course. No one's coming my way for real. I've already tried for many years. The closest I get is them asking for risque or naked pictures, I agree, then they bail. Assuming they haven't already bailed the second they see my face, which is what 90% of people do. If I get into contact again, they always refuse to delete them or pretend we don't know each other.
I don't mind spending money on people, or making stuff for people for free, and even the sexual stuff was fine within reason. I wasn't trying to guilt anyone or get into anyone's pants, I just wanted to make people happy. I just wanted to be a good friend and see my other friends smile. When it came to helping someone make a game, I just wanted to be part of a successful team and help the fandom get another game under their belt. What I did mind; however, was constantly being used by people. I didn't mind buying stuff for people or making them stuff, but I didn't like that they only came around when they wanted something. I didn't mind working on that game with the person, but they often lied and used me to make themselves look better for their Patreon subscribers. They had a very nasty attitude, and did almost no real work themselves. When things unsurprisingly fell through, they spent a long time trolling my profile. Almost longer than the time I worked for them. I worked for them for 18 months, didn't get a single penny, a GENUINE thank you, or even credit for my work. Prior to the job I have now, that was actually my longest time working for anyone.
I mentioned it wasn't just a few people.
I managed to find jobs, but they treated me unfairly. They purposefully kept me at 10 hours a week or below, would lower the amount of days I could work if I couldn't finish a ridiculous amount of work in a very unrealistic amount of time, wouldn't offer me the raise they promised everyone when I started, and even made or set up situations to get me written up. At one point, I was working 3 jobs, and still was barely making half of what the others in the house at the time were making. I explained my plan when I first moved up here, and asked directly if it was OK. They agreed, but I guess it was ignored. I had to start paying much more even though I could barely afford it. To be told something to your face only to have someone lie about it and betray you behind your back is a horrible thing. Speaking of which, I was tricked to come up to this state by my roommate. They lied about a lot of things. Eventually even started feeling me up and grabbing me against my will. Now I don't mind if they wanted to do sexual stuff, and they did ask, but most of the touching and a few gropes happened before I gave an answer. When I finally broke down and agreed, they ignored it even though they asked for it, but the grabbing continued. No matter how many times or how I said to stop, they continued, saying things like “No”, “I don't want to”, or “Why should I”. Those were their exact words. This continued almost every day, often multiple times a day, for about 3 and a half years until I had no choice but to get aggressive about it. I don't speak to many people, but I decided to speak to their mom when they kept prodding. I thought everything was going well, but it was just another lie. Another farce. They told them what I said in confidence to them, but gave their version as opposed to what was actually said. They used me to get closer to their child. While I understand it if there were bad feelings between them, it's a horrible thing to be used. It didn't make anything better, it only made it worse between me and them. Finally I went to talk to them since they don't make any real effort to. I talked about a few things, and I gave them the chance to come clean, but all I got were more half truths and false reactions. I'm not dumb, I knew for a long time what was really going on.
That's not all.
There are so many more things. So, so many more. About my current job, my past jobs, other friends, family, past life, etc. But I don't want to bring all of that up for reasons I'll get to later. But for the most part, I need it all to stop. I've been writing this journal for a couple of years. This journal went through literally dozens of drafts. The last time I thought I was going to finally post it was months ago, but it was over 102 pages long, and still wasn't done. I wanted to say everything in that one journal, but no one was going to read that. Not even close. Many people have a problem reading more than 2 or 3 sentences nowadays, and that's not an exaggeration. To be honest, I wasn't going to either. I decided a couple of hours ago to sit down and make another version. Just something quick so I can get it out of the way. And though it has only taken a couple of hours to write this, it represents years of emotion, soul searching, philosophy, and many other things that you probably won't see in just a mere few pages.
To be honest, I still don't fully know who or what I am.
Strange thing to say, I know. Though I do know a few things. I've always tried to be the kind of person that thinks about things. I want to understand thing, not hide them away from the world. I want to be a kind and helpful person, and I have tried to be. I make mistakes. I have lost my cool here and there, some of those times because people were trying to make me do it on purpose. They admitted as such. But I just want to be a simple person. To misunderstand me is fine, but to think of me as a mystery is actually strange to me when I do consider myself rather simple. I don't have a lot of confidence, which is why it took so long to make a journal before where I stood up for myself. Strange then that a “friend” made it seem as though I was always like... whatever they thought I was on a journal that took me years to gather the courage to make.
It all becomes a little too much.
To be unfairly treated at work to the point you can't make a living. To be lied to, tricked to do someone's bidding and interests, tricked to move all your belongings to them, felt up against your will, then used as the reason for their personality. To do everything you can to be a friend to someone, even spending hundreds on their interests, and even being used as a sex toy when they feel horny, only to be dropped the instant they get bored or get the wrong idea about you. To work for months and years bringing someone else's dream to life, while they sit in the back and yell at you and treat you like less than a person. To make free things for people for months, and even be led on by them, only to be left in the dust to realize how they really feel about you as they walk out on you the instant they get what they want. To do everything you could think of to please a person who claims to be interested in you, only to be lied about assaulting them so they could get more clout to people who were already sycophants to them. To be tossed aside by some of your family members despite doing all you could to make things better. And so much more.
It's too much.
A person can only take so much.
Especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to make a scene and holds it all in.
What happens to that container of yours? It will burst eventually.
I think mine burst the day I posted a journal trying to stand up for myself, and my “friends and acquaintances” came out of the woodwork to push me into the dirt and throw me under the bus.
It was some of the worst emotion pain I've ever felt.
I got up one day, the next I think, tried to brush it off and make some content, and... couldn't.
I couldn't seem to do anything. All of my motivation was gone. Sleep got worse. Food lost its taste.
I had no interest in anything anymore. All I could see was the negative in stuff.
My trust for people had evaporated. My care for anything was hanging on threads.
It's not just an emotional outcry.
It's so much worse. It affects your physical, emotional, and mental health. I tried to do everything to get back into the swing of thing, to figure out what was wrong with me, to just ignore the bad and try and reconnect with people, to try and talk with them and try and understand what was going on, etc.
Nothing.
No one cared. I was dumped by everyone, but then no one would tell me why. The couple of times someone said anything, it was always blatantly false.
I have been asking the question “what am I doing wrong” for close to 30 years now. No honest answer.
Nothing I tried to do seemed to work to make me feel better, or to get people to talk to me seriously. At some point, I had the option to get a dog. Now, I've always wanted a dog, so if I had the option I was going to get one anyway, but thinking about all of the stuff that happened, I wanted to show people that I wasn't a bad person and take care of something else to prove it. Again, I've always wanted a dog, but a small reason I got them was also for those people. That almost didn't even happen. Even though I was given permission, the person who said I was allowed tried to run out my time. I only had 2 weeks to get a dog. Finally on the last day, they got up to help me get them. If they had waited just 20 more minutes, I would never had my dog, and by extension, my daughter (other dog). But again, those people didn't care. When someone hurts you and runs away, they aren't coming back unless they want to hurt you more. To this day, not a single person has come to me to apologize for what they've done or said (except one person I wasn't expecting). They don't want to know how I'm doing. They don't check up on me. They were never interested in my content. It was all a ruse, and now that it's not needed, they don't need to pretend anymore. Quite some time later I tried to stream, and the second I would start, people would come in trying to troll me about the game lead I worked with. Clearly they were sent by them, but why? At that point, I hadn't even talked to them in almost a full year. At the was it. It's been so long since I've made content, I've forgotten a bit on how to make it. Every time I thought things were getting better, they'd get worse. I couldn't even hang out with anyone, like my roommate. Never wants to hang out unless they had full control over my time, situation, and even body. I had to aggressively rip away from them, but that doesn't mean I hated them. They never wanted to hang out beyond randomly driving to another state against my will, and even though they asked about it more than once, didn't even want me sexually. Not at all my first choice, but I did eventually say yes, to no avail. Makes me wonder why I'm even here if they want nothing to do with me. Makes me feel like I'm a commodity rather than a person. If I confront them, they'll just run off and look for online support. They can spin whatever story they want, but I live here. I've heard and seen some of the things they said. I know what's been going on in the background, and what will probably come next.
So very much of my life was wasted and ruined because of how I was treated and made to feel for so long. My childhood, my teens, my 20s, even most of my 30s. Wasted, trying to make someone else happy.
No matter what happened, no one was there for me, no one wanted to help me, no one cared.
Except 2 or 3 people, and to those people, I thank you very much for caring. You don't have to be there all the time, or at all, but the fact that you were means a lot to me.
If only the rest of the fandom were like them.
There are some good people in the fandom, but so many seem so mean and stuck up now. Not at all like the fandom I joined. I understand there were ups and downs, and there are going to be big disagreements, but it seemed to really start to collapse a bit over a decade ago when all these political people and Twitter people started infiltrating. Now almost everyone's always fighting about something. I stand with this label. Eff that label. This direction is bad. That direction is bad. It's terrible. And I've seen the effect of these people on some of the newer and younger people coming in. Imagine if 10% of the butt heads you met today were 90% of the regular people you met tomorrow. To people who've been in the fandom for a long time, you might have seen that already. I saw it and it felt like I was looking at a future troll training facility. So many people are always on about something, always trying to fight something, constantly pointing fingers about how “paraphiles are ruining the fandom!”, which I don't think is true at all. I've gotten to know some of them. I have some of them to thank for helping me to come out of this horrible rut. No one seems to care about community anymore, or helping people anymore, or being a role model to others. I tried to be, but I'm only one guy. I can't do it all myself.
All in all, if I'm to get better, I have to put it all behind me and move forward.
I guess that's something I have a bit of a problem with. Not so much that I can't drop things, but that I don't like things to be unfinished. I don't like walking away from people and leaving them behind. I don't like to at least not try to make a situation better.
As I've said, I've learned some things along the way. I'm not blaming everyone else for all my hardships in life, but I'm not going to pretend they didn't have a big hand in putting me here. And I want to make it very clear: I do not hate anyone. I never did. I am very appreciative for whatever help I was given. Though I will say that just because help was given doesn't mean I owe my life to you. What good is life if I have to hand it off to someone else?
I guess the only real way to make everything better is to make myself better, because I can't control or force anyone to do anything. I'm still going to try and help people when I can, but ultimately I have to focus on my own life. And the life of my kids. I'm not going to throw them away because almost everyone else threw me away. Someone told me before that I have to get used to my own company. I understood it, but I wanted to find a better way. But I guess in the end, I was always my own company, so I gotta find a way to enjoy myself better.
I'm tired of writing. It was going well at first, but I don't like to seem like I'm rambling. There's so much that I left out and so much I didn't talk about, but as I've said, this journal has gone through a tremendous amount of revisions and addendums. But I can't bring every little thing up. I'm trying to put it all past me. I'm not trying to bring up old things or start new things to fight about. I don't like that kind of thing. I just felt it was somewhat necessary to talk at least about a few things that have been plaguing me.
If you've ever felt like this before, please talk to someone. Talking helps way more than you might realize. Please look up things that will inspire you. Please try to get advice for your life and your situation. Please don't let the world take you over, take you down, and take away your smile. There are people and places that can help. They may or may not be therapists, but any help is better than no help. Please don't think that you are worthless because someone else made you feel that way. Please don't give up on life because things seem bleak. Surround yourself with people that actually care for you and will help you when you need it. Learn new hobbies. Take long scenic walks. Listen to new music. Speak your mind when the only other thing being said is propaganda. Understand that there is only one of you. Understand that care and understanding can really transform a place and a relationship. Try to become better than who you were before.
I don't have a lot of sources of things that have helped, but if you want some of them, let me know. I'll muster all that I can find.
I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm going this for those people that might have gone through this and don't know where to turn. I hope this helps someone, even though I left a lot out.
Maybe now I get gather the motivation to want to make stuff now. It's been so long...
I have been in a deep depression for the last several years. I realized when I just couldn't seem to do anything, no matter how much I tried. I looked it up and discovered I was in a depression worse than usual. I didn't even know it existed. I tried doing what I could to get rid of it, and nothing seemed to work. It's been only within the last few months I think that it really feels as though I'm finally reaching the top and about to climb out of it. I had to do all the climbing myself, I had no help. When I tried to get help, no one cared. I've been searching up many things to try and help myself and my situation, and as such have learned many things. Like standing up for myself. Something I finally built the courage to do years ago, only to have it immediately backfire upon me.
What happened?
People happened. Jobs happened. Life happened. Death almost happened...
The people that I trusted the most and cared for more than others threw me under the bus with no remorse. When everyone wanted something, whether it was my time or money or what I could make, or even my body, that's all most people seemed to care about. When I made them happy, irregardless of my own happiness, they were happy. Mostly. No matter what I did or said, they were never truly happy, but I guess things were good enough. But the few times I needed help or had a problem, no one was there. I couldn't get support for almost anything, but if anyone else needed anything, I was right there waiting. I had better been waiting, otherwise I wouldn't hear the end of it. I'd buy things for them, sometimes costing hundreds of dollars. I'd make stuff for them, sometimes taking me months. If they wanted sex, I'd role play as best I could with them, or bend over for them no problem. Digitally of course. No one's coming my way for real. I've already tried for many years. The closest I get is them asking for risque or naked pictures, I agree, then they bail. Assuming they haven't already bailed the second they see my face, which is what 90% of people do. If I get into contact again, they always refuse to delete them or pretend we don't know each other.
I don't mind spending money on people, or making stuff for people for free, and even the sexual stuff was fine within reason. I wasn't trying to guilt anyone or get into anyone's pants, I just wanted to make people happy. I just wanted to be a good friend and see my other friends smile. When it came to helping someone make a game, I just wanted to be part of a successful team and help the fandom get another game under their belt. What I did mind; however, was constantly being used by people. I didn't mind buying stuff for people or making them stuff, but I didn't like that they only came around when they wanted something. I didn't mind working on that game with the person, but they often lied and used me to make themselves look better for their Patreon subscribers. They had a very nasty attitude, and did almost no real work themselves. When things unsurprisingly fell through, they spent a long time trolling my profile. Almost longer than the time I worked for them. I worked for them for 18 months, didn't get a single penny, a GENUINE thank you, or even credit for my work. Prior to the job I have now, that was actually my longest time working for anyone.
I mentioned it wasn't just a few people.
I managed to find jobs, but they treated me unfairly. They purposefully kept me at 10 hours a week or below, would lower the amount of days I could work if I couldn't finish a ridiculous amount of work in a very unrealistic amount of time, wouldn't offer me the raise they promised everyone when I started, and even made or set up situations to get me written up. At one point, I was working 3 jobs, and still was barely making half of what the others in the house at the time were making. I explained my plan when I first moved up here, and asked directly if it was OK. They agreed, but I guess it was ignored. I had to start paying much more even though I could barely afford it. To be told something to your face only to have someone lie about it and betray you behind your back is a horrible thing. Speaking of which, I was tricked to come up to this state by my roommate. They lied about a lot of things. Eventually even started feeling me up and grabbing me against my will. Now I don't mind if they wanted to do sexual stuff, and they did ask, but most of the touching and a few gropes happened before I gave an answer. When I finally broke down and agreed, they ignored it even though they asked for it, but the grabbing continued. No matter how many times or how I said to stop, they continued, saying things like “No”, “I don't want to”, or “Why should I”. Those were their exact words. This continued almost every day, often multiple times a day, for about 3 and a half years until I had no choice but to get aggressive about it. I don't speak to many people, but I decided to speak to their mom when they kept prodding. I thought everything was going well, but it was just another lie. Another farce. They told them what I said in confidence to them, but gave their version as opposed to what was actually said. They used me to get closer to their child. While I understand it if there were bad feelings between them, it's a horrible thing to be used. It didn't make anything better, it only made it worse between me and them. Finally I went to talk to them since they don't make any real effort to. I talked about a few things, and I gave them the chance to come clean, but all I got were more half truths and false reactions. I'm not dumb, I knew for a long time what was really going on.
That's not all.
There are so many more things. So, so many more. About my current job, my past jobs, other friends, family, past life, etc. But I don't want to bring all of that up for reasons I'll get to later. But for the most part, I need it all to stop. I've been writing this journal for a couple of years. This journal went through literally dozens of drafts. The last time I thought I was going to finally post it was months ago, but it was over 102 pages long, and still wasn't done. I wanted to say everything in that one journal, but no one was going to read that. Not even close. Many people have a problem reading more than 2 or 3 sentences nowadays, and that's not an exaggeration. To be honest, I wasn't going to either. I decided a couple of hours ago to sit down and make another version. Just something quick so I can get it out of the way. And though it has only taken a couple of hours to write this, it represents years of emotion, soul searching, philosophy, and many other things that you probably won't see in just a mere few pages.
To be honest, I still don't fully know who or what I am.
Strange thing to say, I know. Though I do know a few things. I've always tried to be the kind of person that thinks about things. I want to understand thing, not hide them away from the world. I want to be a kind and helpful person, and I have tried to be. I make mistakes. I have lost my cool here and there, some of those times because people were trying to make me do it on purpose. They admitted as such. But I just want to be a simple person. To misunderstand me is fine, but to think of me as a mystery is actually strange to me when I do consider myself rather simple. I don't have a lot of confidence, which is why it took so long to make a journal before where I stood up for myself. Strange then that a “friend” made it seem as though I was always like... whatever they thought I was on a journal that took me years to gather the courage to make.
It all becomes a little too much.
To be unfairly treated at work to the point you can't make a living. To be lied to, tricked to do someone's bidding and interests, tricked to move all your belongings to them, felt up against your will, then used as the reason for their personality. To do everything you can to be a friend to someone, even spending hundreds on their interests, and even being used as a sex toy when they feel horny, only to be dropped the instant they get bored or get the wrong idea about you. To work for months and years bringing someone else's dream to life, while they sit in the back and yell at you and treat you like less than a person. To make free things for people for months, and even be led on by them, only to be left in the dust to realize how they really feel about you as they walk out on you the instant they get what they want. To do everything you could think of to please a person who claims to be interested in you, only to be lied about assaulting them so they could get more clout to people who were already sycophants to them. To be tossed aside by some of your family members despite doing all you could to make things better. And so much more.
It's too much.
A person can only take so much.
Especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to make a scene and holds it all in.
What happens to that container of yours? It will burst eventually.
I think mine burst the day I posted a journal trying to stand up for myself, and my “friends and acquaintances” came out of the woodwork to push me into the dirt and throw me under the bus.
It was some of the worst emotion pain I've ever felt.
I got up one day, the next I think, tried to brush it off and make some content, and... couldn't.
I couldn't seem to do anything. All of my motivation was gone. Sleep got worse. Food lost its taste.
I had no interest in anything anymore. All I could see was the negative in stuff.
My trust for people had evaporated. My care for anything was hanging on threads.
It's not just an emotional outcry.
It's so much worse. It affects your physical, emotional, and mental health. I tried to do everything to get back into the swing of thing, to figure out what was wrong with me, to just ignore the bad and try and reconnect with people, to try and talk with them and try and understand what was going on, etc.
Nothing.
No one cared. I was dumped by everyone, but then no one would tell me why. The couple of times someone said anything, it was always blatantly false.
I have been asking the question “what am I doing wrong” for close to 30 years now. No honest answer.
Nothing I tried to do seemed to work to make me feel better, or to get people to talk to me seriously. At some point, I had the option to get a dog. Now, I've always wanted a dog, so if I had the option I was going to get one anyway, but thinking about all of the stuff that happened, I wanted to show people that I wasn't a bad person and take care of something else to prove it. Again, I've always wanted a dog, but a small reason I got them was also for those people. That almost didn't even happen. Even though I was given permission, the person who said I was allowed tried to run out my time. I only had 2 weeks to get a dog. Finally on the last day, they got up to help me get them. If they had waited just 20 more minutes, I would never had my dog, and by extension, my daughter (other dog). But again, those people didn't care. When someone hurts you and runs away, they aren't coming back unless they want to hurt you more. To this day, not a single person has come to me to apologize for what they've done or said (except one person I wasn't expecting). They don't want to know how I'm doing. They don't check up on me. They were never interested in my content. It was all a ruse, and now that it's not needed, they don't need to pretend anymore. Quite some time later I tried to stream, and the second I would start, people would come in trying to troll me about the game lead I worked with. Clearly they were sent by them, but why? At that point, I hadn't even talked to them in almost a full year. At the was it. It's been so long since I've made content, I've forgotten a bit on how to make it. Every time I thought things were getting better, they'd get worse. I couldn't even hang out with anyone, like my roommate. Never wants to hang out unless they had full control over my time, situation, and even body. I had to aggressively rip away from them, but that doesn't mean I hated them. They never wanted to hang out beyond randomly driving to another state against my will, and even though they asked about it more than once, didn't even want me sexually. Not at all my first choice, but I did eventually say yes, to no avail. Makes me wonder why I'm even here if they want nothing to do with me. Makes me feel like I'm a commodity rather than a person. If I confront them, they'll just run off and look for online support. They can spin whatever story they want, but I live here. I've heard and seen some of the things they said. I know what's been going on in the background, and what will probably come next.
So very much of my life was wasted and ruined because of how I was treated and made to feel for so long. My childhood, my teens, my 20s, even most of my 30s. Wasted, trying to make someone else happy.
No matter what happened, no one was there for me, no one wanted to help me, no one cared.
Except 2 or 3 people, and to those people, I thank you very much for caring. You don't have to be there all the time, or at all, but the fact that you were means a lot to me.
If only the rest of the fandom were like them.
There are some good people in the fandom, but so many seem so mean and stuck up now. Not at all like the fandom I joined. I understand there were ups and downs, and there are going to be big disagreements, but it seemed to really start to collapse a bit over a decade ago when all these political people and Twitter people started infiltrating. Now almost everyone's always fighting about something. I stand with this label. Eff that label. This direction is bad. That direction is bad. It's terrible. And I've seen the effect of these people on some of the newer and younger people coming in. Imagine if 10% of the butt heads you met today were 90% of the regular people you met tomorrow. To people who've been in the fandom for a long time, you might have seen that already. I saw it and it felt like I was looking at a future troll training facility. So many people are always on about something, always trying to fight something, constantly pointing fingers about how “paraphiles are ruining the fandom!”, which I don't think is true at all. I've gotten to know some of them. I have some of them to thank for helping me to come out of this horrible rut. No one seems to care about community anymore, or helping people anymore, or being a role model to others. I tried to be, but I'm only one guy. I can't do it all myself.
All in all, if I'm to get better, I have to put it all behind me and move forward.
I guess that's something I have a bit of a problem with. Not so much that I can't drop things, but that I don't like things to be unfinished. I don't like walking away from people and leaving them behind. I don't like to at least not try to make a situation better.
As I've said, I've learned some things along the way. I'm not blaming everyone else for all my hardships in life, but I'm not going to pretend they didn't have a big hand in putting me here. And I want to make it very clear: I do not hate anyone. I never did. I am very appreciative for whatever help I was given. Though I will say that just because help was given doesn't mean I owe my life to you. What good is life if I have to hand it off to someone else?
I guess the only real way to make everything better is to make myself better, because I can't control or force anyone to do anything. I'm still going to try and help people when I can, but ultimately I have to focus on my own life. And the life of my kids. I'm not going to throw them away because almost everyone else threw me away. Someone told me before that I have to get used to my own company. I understood it, but I wanted to find a better way. But I guess in the end, I was always my own company, so I gotta find a way to enjoy myself better.
I'm tired of writing. It was going well at first, but I don't like to seem like I'm rambling. There's so much that I left out and so much I didn't talk about, but as I've said, this journal has gone through a tremendous amount of revisions and addendums. But I can't bring every little thing up. I'm trying to put it all past me. I'm not trying to bring up old things or start new things to fight about. I don't like that kind of thing. I just felt it was somewhat necessary to talk at least about a few things that have been plaguing me.
If you've ever felt like this before, please talk to someone. Talking helps way more than you might realize. Please look up things that will inspire you. Please try to get advice for your life and your situation. Please don't let the world take you over, take you down, and take away your smile. There are people and places that can help. They may or may not be therapists, but any help is better than no help. Please don't think that you are worthless because someone else made you feel that way. Please don't give up on life because things seem bleak. Surround yourself with people that actually care for you and will help you when you need it. Learn new hobbies. Take long scenic walks. Listen to new music. Speak your mind when the only other thing being said is propaganda. Understand that there is only one of you. Understand that care and understanding can really transform a place and a relationship. Try to become better than who you were before.
I don't have a lot of sources of things that have helped, but if you want some of them, let me know. I'll muster all that I can find.
I'm not just doing this for myself, I'm going this for those people that might have gone through this and don't know where to turn. I hope this helps someone, even though I left a lot out.
Maybe now I get gather the motivation to want to make stuff now. It's been so long...
Last chance for games 2
General | Posted 6 years agoI was thinking of extending the deadline to March, as only a few of those games and offers expire in the next few days. Most of them will last much longer.
I was just trying to do something nice and share what I could, but then remembering how much negativity I get when I try something positive, I wonder why I keep bothering to try.
Not to mention, that journal of the free games has been up since late 2016 and only a few people have gotten anything.
I might extend it, I'm not sure. I'll do a final update of the list when I can get to it.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7873848/
I was just trying to do something nice and share what I could, but then remembering how much negativity I get when I try something positive, I wonder why I keep bothering to try.
Not to mention, that journal of the free games has been up since late 2016 and only a few people have gotten anything.
I might extend it, I'm not sure. I'll do a final update of the list when I can get to it.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7873848/
Last chance for games
General | Posted 6 years agoI made a journal long ago about free Steam games to anyone that wanted them. It's been on my profile for just as long.
Many people avoided it though. I'm guessing it was the trolling. I just wanted to share games with everyone. I'm not going to play them all and didn't want many of them anyway.
It was something I had talked about and planned on doing for a long while. It's such a shame that so many keep taking the positive things that I try to do and make them incredibly negative.
Anyway, I didn't know there was a time limit on many of those games. They will be expiring soon.
If you want something, let me know. Otherwise I will be closing down that journal on February 1st.
Many people avoided it though. I'm guessing it was the trolling. I just wanted to share games with everyone. I'm not going to play them all and didn't want many of them anyway.
It was something I had talked about and planned on doing for a long while. It's such a shame that so many keep taking the positive things that I try to do and make them incredibly negative.
Anyway, I didn't know there was a time limit on many of those games. They will be expiring soon.
If you want something, let me know. Otherwise I will be closing down that journal on February 1st.
Return to sender
General | Posted 6 years agoI don't want to make a fuss.
I was quite clear in trying to get away from that / this kind of stuff. I don't want to be viewed as a negative person or someone who complains all the time.
I think that my problems are indeed my problems and should just stay with(in) me. That's how I always used to do it anyway.
But dang if there doesn't seem to be some plot against me. All these problems just rapid firing at once.
Our store manager came back yesterday. They were gone for several months (about 3 or 4+ I think) to have their baby. Because they had been out so long, and things had obviously changed quite a bit, they have to be trained back into the position.
Been back barely a day or two, and already is trying to screw me over hard. They decided to make the schedule, which was already made. They decided to take away all of my days except one.
Meaning I will be working only one day a week now, when I was working 4 or 5+. And they decided to schedule me on the one day they were explicitly told not to schedule me on. I was told by the manager who is training them that they told them that.
So this means that not only am I not getting hours AGAIN, but because of whatever problem they have with me, I will no longer have a true off day.
The manager that's training them gave it to me because they wanted me to have a true off day, so they asked what day I'm off from my first job. It's *rare* for a coworker to give a darn about others, especially management. At least it is to me.
This is not an accident. They must have just been siting on this and thinking about this often while they were out. But why?
I don't get it. Why are there so many people who go so far out of their way to screw me over? For what reason? What did I do? How become no one can answer that when I ask? They haven't been here for months. We don't even work together most of the time.
Make no mistake, this is harassment. At least I think it is. I am seriously thinking of contacting human resources. Though is it that serious? Will they care of look the other way? How can I prove it's harassment?
This form of harassment is very subtle which makes it hard to report or even see. And this isn't the first time I've had to endure this kind of stuff. Not the first job, and not the first time at this job. In fact, had to deal with it for 75% of the time I've been here.
My other issue is a return on something I bought. I will continue my bike build journal series, but spoiler alert, it doesn't seem to be going very well. I want to recoup as many losses as I can from this bike project.
One of the items I bought was an accessory that I thought was really going to transform my bike. And by all means it should have. The accessory itself cost more than the bike. That's kind of ridiculous.
And it needs batteries to run. The batteries usually cost more than the accessory. What even. I'm trying not to give away what the item is.
Well, because my bike doesn't even seem to want me to ride it, I suddenly got a suspicious huge surge of rides once I got my bike, and there are hardly any places to bike anyway, I deemed the accessory not worth it and wanted a refund.
But there's a problem. And that is the refund process.
First of all there is a 20% restocking fee. Almost everyone knows / should know that restocking fees are BS.
Next, I'm being told that there is a chance (definite possibility) that I'll only get a 50% refund if there are signs of installation or use. I bought this accessory over a month ago. I installed it a couple of weeks ago.
I only got to actually use it for 5 to 10 minutes before my bike broke again. Derailleur broke in half and locked my chain up. I tried to keep the accessory good looking the entire time I had it. Much of it still have the factory stickers.
But there were blemishes and a few nicks on it when I got it, so that's not really fair. I can't prove it because it's not as though I walk around with an HD camera on me at all times recording everything in (and out of) sight.
I'm sure if I package it up and clean the one thing that might be seen as used, you can't tell it was used. But they claim they have a team of people that look over the product to tell if it was used or even installed.
A team of people to make sure I can't get a proper refund, but not one person could put instructions in the box. Gotta love the world we live in.
Most other companies / products are usually a hassle-free return process. Not this thing. The most expensive thing I've bought on Amazon. I even paid a little more ($100+ more isn't really "little") because I thought it would be much better than the others.
So not only is it not worthwhile to even try to send the item back fora "refund", but it pretty much means in order to recoup my losses as much as I can on this bike, I'll just have to sell the whole bike.
I could return the battery, but it's from China so good luck, and if I'm going to keep the product, it would be silly if I can't even get it to work, so going to have to keep the battery.
...
Undecided if I want to just repair what was broken and sell the bike as it is, or go ahead and finish my bike project and sell it like that. Anyone here want to buy a bike in the future?
I'll finish the project and sell it on FA for a good deal if anyone wants it.
I was quite clear in trying to get away from that / this kind of stuff. I don't want to be viewed as a negative person or someone who complains all the time.
I think that my problems are indeed my problems and should just stay with(in) me. That's how I always used to do it anyway.
But dang if there doesn't seem to be some plot against me. All these problems just rapid firing at once.
Our store manager came back yesterday. They were gone for several months (about 3 or 4+ I think) to have their baby. Because they had been out so long, and things had obviously changed quite a bit, they have to be trained back into the position.
Been back barely a day or two, and already is trying to screw me over hard. They decided to make the schedule, which was already made. They decided to take away all of my days except one.
Meaning I will be working only one day a week now, when I was working 4 or 5+. And they decided to schedule me on the one day they were explicitly told not to schedule me on. I was told by the manager who is training them that they told them that.
So this means that not only am I not getting hours AGAIN, but because of whatever problem they have with me, I will no longer have a true off day.
The manager that's training them gave it to me because they wanted me to have a true off day, so they asked what day I'm off from my first job. It's *rare* for a coworker to give a darn about others, especially management. At least it is to me.
This is not an accident. They must have just been siting on this and thinking about this often while they were out. But why?
I don't get it. Why are there so many people who go so far out of their way to screw me over? For what reason? What did I do? How become no one can answer that when I ask? They haven't been here for months. We don't even work together most of the time.
Make no mistake, this is harassment. At least I think it is. I am seriously thinking of contacting human resources. Though is it that serious? Will they care of look the other way? How can I prove it's harassment?
This form of harassment is very subtle which makes it hard to report or even see. And this isn't the first time I've had to endure this kind of stuff. Not the first job, and not the first time at this job. In fact, had to deal with it for 75% of the time I've been here.
My other issue is a return on something I bought. I will continue my bike build journal series, but spoiler alert, it doesn't seem to be going very well. I want to recoup as many losses as I can from this bike project.
One of the items I bought was an accessory that I thought was really going to transform my bike. And by all means it should have. The accessory itself cost more than the bike. That's kind of ridiculous.
And it needs batteries to run. The batteries usually cost more than the accessory. What even. I'm trying not to give away what the item is.
Well, because my bike doesn't even seem to want me to ride it, I suddenly got a suspicious huge surge of rides once I got my bike, and there are hardly any places to bike anyway, I deemed the accessory not worth it and wanted a refund.
But there's a problem. And that is the refund process.
First of all there is a 20% restocking fee. Almost everyone knows / should know that restocking fees are BS.
Next, I'm being told that there is a chance (definite possibility) that I'll only get a 50% refund if there are signs of installation or use. I bought this accessory over a month ago. I installed it a couple of weeks ago.
I only got to actually use it for 5 to 10 minutes before my bike broke again. Derailleur broke in half and locked my chain up. I tried to keep the accessory good looking the entire time I had it. Much of it still have the factory stickers.
But there were blemishes and a few nicks on it when I got it, so that's not really fair. I can't prove it because it's not as though I walk around with an HD camera on me at all times recording everything in (and out of) sight.
I'm sure if I package it up and clean the one thing that might be seen as used, you can't tell it was used. But they claim they have a team of people that look over the product to tell if it was used or even installed.
A team of people to make sure I can't get a proper refund, but not one person could put instructions in the box. Gotta love the world we live in.
Most other companies / products are usually a hassle-free return process. Not this thing. The most expensive thing I've bought on Amazon. I even paid a little more ($100+ more isn't really "little") because I thought it would be much better than the others.
So not only is it not worthwhile to even try to send the item back fora "refund", but it pretty much means in order to recoup my losses as much as I can on this bike, I'll just have to sell the whole bike.
I could return the battery, but it's from China so good luck, and if I'm going to keep the product, it would be silly if I can't even get it to work, so going to have to keep the battery.
...
Undecided if I want to just repair what was broken and sell the bike as it is, or go ahead and finish my bike project and sell it like that. Anyone here want to buy a bike in the future?
I'll finish the project and sell it on FA for a good deal if anyone wants it.
Nut milk
General | Posted 6 years agoMan, working manual labor for hours in 96o heat sucks. Coupled with a headache that won't go away and very little sleep, and it's just not a fun time.
Had to do it all this week. I wouldn't recommend it.
*phew*
*tugs at collar*
Is it hot in here or just me? Where is everyone?
...Just me? OK.
I didn't know there were many kinds of nut milk out there. When I had learned about alternative milks, I originally learned about soy milk and almond milk.
I prefer almond milk and have been trying to get away from soy product.
Some time ago I had learned about cashew milk. Very recently I just learned about macadamia milk and oat milk. So many milks.
They can get expensive though. I paid 4 bucks for not even half a gallon of macadamia milk, though you can get a gallon of regular cow milk for just under / above $3.50.
Eh. Just talking out loud I guess. Trying to get this headache to go away.
Had to do it all this week. I wouldn't recommend it.
*phew*
*tugs at collar*
Is it hot in here or just me? Where is everyone?
...Just me? OK.
I didn't know there were many kinds of nut milk out there. When I had learned about alternative milks, I originally learned about soy milk and almond milk.
I prefer almond milk and have been trying to get away from soy product.
Some time ago I had learned about cashew milk. Very recently I just learned about macadamia milk and oat milk. So many milks.
They can get expensive though. I paid 4 bucks for not even half a gallon of macadamia milk, though you can get a gallon of regular cow milk for just under / above $3.50.
Eh. Just talking out loud I guess. Trying to get this headache to go away.
An apology
General | Posted 6 years agoFor the past several weeks, I've been working on a journal off and on. It's taken so long because I've been working so much. When I'm not working I'm often walking for miles, usually either to the store or to work.
I was / am about finished, but in the last few days I've been having second thoughts about posting it. I'm somewhat familiar with delicate situations, and understand that timing and wording are very important in situations like that.
Granted, there are things that are probably better left unsaid. At the same time, I think that sometimes it's better to say some things anyway.
I keep censoring myself. Often at the last minute, when I'm right there ready to say what I want.
Because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing and lose people. I'm scared I'll embarrass myself. I'm scared I'll lose whatever chance I have furthering my relationships and endeavors with people. I'm scared my world will come crashing down if I open my mouth.
But what's the point of being scared when it will all happen anyway, or it has / had already happened long ago.
So I figured I'd go ahead and post something, so I can finally get it out of my mind and forget about it.
I want to apologize to many people for the things that happened on my profile. The crud about me sending notes trying to help a person and it going very wrong. The trolling of the indie game leader. My general inactivity and lack of submissions.
Not to mention some of the way I've been going about my journals, as well as the sheer number of journals that I have.
I also want to apologize to my kids, and the people who I said I would make stuff for and they are still waiting, and to myself.
Years ago I tried to help a friend of a friend evade incoming homelessness, so after exhausting every other idea, I sent notes to people I thought could help in an effort to get them to band together to do many small things to make one big change.
Somehow, many people took that that wrong way, I was almost immediately suspended. I was trolled and gossiped about across many sites, I lost a lot of watchers and many people stopped talking to me altogether for fear they would get trolled or banned.
The whole thing went horribly wrong very fast, everyone missed the point of what I was trying to do and no one cared anyway, I ended up selling almost everything I owned just to barely raise enough money to get the person to safety.
I never did regain those people or the trust of others back.
Years ago I joined a person to make an indie game. Things didn't seem to go so well, and most of the time ended up being a waste of everyone's time. I tried to express my ideas and opinions, but they were all shot down and nothing was taken seriously.
Of course many relations were soured. Eventually the indie game was canceled.
Some time later I was contacted by the same person to work on another game project. I thought about it and told myself that if I were screwed again, I would make an Artist Beware article on them. I agreed to work for them again.
But it was more of the same. Even worse this time around. I ended up getting screwed over again and fired.
Contrary to what's believed, it wasn't revenge or anything like that. It wasn't because I felt "too proud" of my meager models. It was because this person willingly took other people's content to show off as their own, and harshly refused credit every time.
I was about to write the AB article I mentioned, but put a warning on my page instead. Even said that everything could be cleared up if the person could just talk to me for 5 minutes. Of course that didn't happen. I never did finish or post any article.
Months later the person in question came to troll me, rapid firing insults and false accusations as though they were trying to distract people and hide something. This lasted for months.
Eventually, after going to a few classes about confidence and acceptance, after looking for help in many other places, I gathered the courage to stand up for myself on my journals, trying to push away all the negative and trying to grasp positivity and start anew.
Those classes were also the first time I had heard about support networks. Basically a collection of friends, acquaintances, family, etc. that help to support you, lift you up, help you through bad times, etc.
Almost immediately, I got bombarded with personal attacks from some of my longest running friends, people I tried to help the most, and people who I at the time had worked for the longest.
My support network had pretty much taken a dump on me, and during a time when I was at my most vulnerable and probably needed them the most. I was devastated. Not so much at what they were saying, but who was saying it and why.
After that, all work, online and off, slowed even more than they had been already. Motivation was but a dream. I couldn't seem to hold on to any energy. My already bad sleep habits got worse. And so on and so forth. If I wasn't in a rut before, I was now.
I didn't think it affected me as much as it did. I can take people's words and their insults. I can take their attempts to hurt me. But I wasn't expected my friends and family and acquaintances to trick and berate and lie about and treat me the way they did.
Looking back for comparison and being honest with myself, it affected me quite badly. And not truly realizing it until it was too late, it had been going on for a very long time across many places and many people. My support network was basically null.
In my quest to show people that I wasn't a bad person, I went and got a dog. That WASN'T the reason I got a dog. I've always wanted one, and I was in a position where I could actually get one.
But part of me also figured that if I could show others that I can care for someone else, they'd know I'm not bad.
It was a waste of time. No one cared. They spent all of 10 to 15 minutes saying mean things before, unwatch and / or block, then run off, but because of their actions to make me feel so bad, I'll be spending the next 10 to 15+ years taking care of my "kids".
I've mentioned them before, but to officially show them now, here is a picture of my kids: https://www.dropbox.com/s/1d105pn8g.....14445.jpg?dl=0
V is the white / cream one, and L is the black one.
I do care very much for my kids. I'll do what I can for them, but I apologize to them as well because I feel like I can't / don't do enough, I don't give them everything they want or need, and I'm very often gone, leaving them alone in a room all day.
I plan to change that as soon as possible.
As though the few motivation issues I had before weren't enough, of course after all of this happened my motivation tanked. And now with my kids, my productivity tanked, as I'm having to run after them almost constantly.
It makes me feel bad. Even worse because most of the things I made / wanted to make for people were half done within the first week. And I've shown that in my gallery. Then all of a sudden, everything just seems to stop. Indie games and work didn't help.
I tried getting back into things many times by making small models like I used to when I made daily models. I tried working on old stuff and finishing it. Tried streaming again as that usually helped, but had computer problems and user issues.
Some people were coming by urging me to stop "harassing" the indie game leader. Not those exact words, but that's what they were getting at. Not only have I not done that, but this was several months after the last time I had even talked to them.
In fact, the last time I had talked to them, about 11 months after their trolling, I just wanted to talk and try to understand what happened. It didn't go well, they were 101% not listening at all, they were very hostile. I finally just said "you're right" and walked.
They didn't understand what I had done for them. What I had been talking about and trying to show others for years. Yes, I could have easily pursued that AB article. I could have easily outed the people that talked bad about me. I still could.
I could have easily reported some of these people or taken them down another way. But I didn't. And I won't. Because....
*sigh*
So many people give in to their anger and insecurities. So many people are always out to defend themselves against nothing, attack everyone over nothing, almost uncontrollably waiting for the slightest mistake to begin their righteous indignation about nothing.
I've seen how vain people can be. I've seen how unwilling to stand up for themselves some people can be. The slightest criticism and they give up forever. As though they were looking for any kind of reason not to put up a fight or move another inch.
But I wasn't trying to fight anyone. I don't want to be angry. I have always wanted whatever area of the internet I go to be a safe place for everyone. I didn't mind what anyone was or what they were into. It's not about labels, it's about people.
As I told many of these people, we are furs. There's no reason for us to be at each other's necks. We should be together, especially at this time where the fandom really seems to be falling apart more than ever. Some people have even said the fandom died long ago.
That's what I was trying to tell people, but I guess it didn't matter. They want to argue. They want to be enraged. They don't want to have to try. I've seen it much too often to ignore it now.
I think that I also owe myself a big apology.
So much time has been wasted doing what I thought others wanted. Decades gone that I can never get back. So many hours and days wasted now that just pass far too fast it seems.
In my attempts to be an all around good person, open, tolerant, reliable, etc., I didn't realize just how much I was truly being taken advantage of. I didn't realize how bad other people's actions were truly affecting me.
Of course I make mistakes. I don't know if it's more or less than the average person, though I don't make mistakes on purpose and I try to correct and learn from them. I always tried getting advice when I could. I don't think I'm very smart.
Rather dumb actually. I thought any advice I would be given was good advice. Turns out that wasn't true. Just some of what I was told was to talk more openly. Talk about more personal stuff. And so I did. That's how a lot of these journals got started.
The sheer number of these journals should be testament enough as to the trust I put into people's words. Though I had already made journals, I didn't usually talk about personal stuff. I'm mostly to myself.
But even stuff like that was a lie. They weren't helping me to be more of myself and clear my mind, it was just a ruse to get me to talk about personal stuff because they were incredibly nosy. They weren't trying to help me at all.
They were just trying to make me more like them so they wouldn't feel so awkward. I keep falling for everyone's tricks. I feel like the biggest fool ever. But when I needed help, almost no one is around. There's almost no support.
I don't know who to trust, if I can trust anyone at all.
Clearly I have to make some changes. I have to go about things a different way. I have to change my world view on some things.
I think going forward, it's better if I just go it alone. I am making some changes in the background. Hopefully that starts to show / payoff in a few weeks. I'll try to get back into a lot of things and finish what I owe people and more.
There was more stuff I wanted to say, but I'm tired of writing. I've been writing this for weeks, then I put it to the side and made a much shorter journal. Then I did it again and remade it. There's definitely some things I want to say to people, but what's the point.
Begging to hang out with people for 8 months, only to have my money taken and walked out on after 30 seconds? Buying people hundreds of dollars of stuff only to be thrown under the bus when I'm not considered cool enough to know personally?
Rape and murder threats just because I'm trying to care about a person's safety?
No thank you. As I said, no point. Not one of these people ever came to apologize. I don't know if any of them even learned or cared. Whatever. It's fine now.
Though there are more serious things I deal with, such as work and money, this journal was mostly focusing on the online stuff. And the point of this journal was to put it all behind me and start anew. I thought if I talked about it all in detail, I could do that.
But I put the detailed one away, and I don't have to talk about everything. Besides, I had wanted to apologize for being a bit passive-aggressive. Yes, I did it a bit, but if that's the worse I've done then there's nothing to worry about.
But I feel the more I type, the worse I look and feel.
I'm just ready to go to bed now.
I was / am about finished, but in the last few days I've been having second thoughts about posting it. I'm somewhat familiar with delicate situations, and understand that timing and wording are very important in situations like that.
Granted, there are things that are probably better left unsaid. At the same time, I think that sometimes it's better to say some things anyway.
I keep censoring myself. Often at the last minute, when I'm right there ready to say what I want.
Because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing and lose people. I'm scared I'll embarrass myself. I'm scared I'll lose whatever chance I have furthering my relationships and endeavors with people. I'm scared my world will come crashing down if I open my mouth.
But what's the point of being scared when it will all happen anyway, or it has / had already happened long ago.
So I figured I'd go ahead and post something, so I can finally get it out of my mind and forget about it.
I want to apologize to many people for the things that happened on my profile. The crud about me sending notes trying to help a person and it going very wrong. The trolling of the indie game leader. My general inactivity and lack of submissions.
Not to mention some of the way I've been going about my journals, as well as the sheer number of journals that I have.
I also want to apologize to my kids, and the people who I said I would make stuff for and they are still waiting, and to myself.
Years ago I tried to help a friend of a friend evade incoming homelessness, so after exhausting every other idea, I sent notes to people I thought could help in an effort to get them to band together to do many small things to make one big change.
Somehow, many people took that that wrong way, I was almost immediately suspended. I was trolled and gossiped about across many sites, I lost a lot of watchers and many people stopped talking to me altogether for fear they would get trolled or banned.
The whole thing went horribly wrong very fast, everyone missed the point of what I was trying to do and no one cared anyway, I ended up selling almost everything I owned just to barely raise enough money to get the person to safety.
I never did regain those people or the trust of others back.
Years ago I joined a person to make an indie game. Things didn't seem to go so well, and most of the time ended up being a waste of everyone's time. I tried to express my ideas and opinions, but they were all shot down and nothing was taken seriously.
Of course many relations were soured. Eventually the indie game was canceled.
Some time later I was contacted by the same person to work on another game project. I thought about it and told myself that if I were screwed again, I would make an Artist Beware article on them. I agreed to work for them again.
But it was more of the same. Even worse this time around. I ended up getting screwed over again and fired.
Contrary to what's believed, it wasn't revenge or anything like that. It wasn't because I felt "too proud" of my meager models. It was because this person willingly took other people's content to show off as their own, and harshly refused credit every time.
I was about to write the AB article I mentioned, but put a warning on my page instead. Even said that everything could be cleared up if the person could just talk to me for 5 minutes. Of course that didn't happen. I never did finish or post any article.
Months later the person in question came to troll me, rapid firing insults and false accusations as though they were trying to distract people and hide something. This lasted for months.
Eventually, after going to a few classes about confidence and acceptance, after looking for help in many other places, I gathered the courage to stand up for myself on my journals, trying to push away all the negative and trying to grasp positivity and start anew.
Those classes were also the first time I had heard about support networks. Basically a collection of friends, acquaintances, family, etc. that help to support you, lift you up, help you through bad times, etc.
Almost immediately, I got bombarded with personal attacks from some of my longest running friends, people I tried to help the most, and people who I at the time had worked for the longest.
My support network had pretty much taken a dump on me, and during a time when I was at my most vulnerable and probably needed them the most. I was devastated. Not so much at what they were saying, but who was saying it and why.
After that, all work, online and off, slowed even more than they had been already. Motivation was but a dream. I couldn't seem to hold on to any energy. My already bad sleep habits got worse. And so on and so forth. If I wasn't in a rut before, I was now.
I didn't think it affected me as much as it did. I can take people's words and their insults. I can take their attempts to hurt me. But I wasn't expected my friends and family and acquaintances to trick and berate and lie about and treat me the way they did.
Looking back for comparison and being honest with myself, it affected me quite badly. And not truly realizing it until it was too late, it had been going on for a very long time across many places and many people. My support network was basically null.
In my quest to show people that I wasn't a bad person, I went and got a dog. That WASN'T the reason I got a dog. I've always wanted one, and I was in a position where I could actually get one.
But part of me also figured that if I could show others that I can care for someone else, they'd know I'm not bad.
It was a waste of time. No one cared. They spent all of 10 to 15 minutes saying mean things before, unwatch and / or block, then run off, but because of their actions to make me feel so bad, I'll be spending the next 10 to 15+ years taking care of my "kids".
I've mentioned them before, but to officially show them now, here is a picture of my kids: https://www.dropbox.com/s/1d105pn8g.....14445.jpg?dl=0
V is the white / cream one, and L is the black one.
I do care very much for my kids. I'll do what I can for them, but I apologize to them as well because I feel like I can't / don't do enough, I don't give them everything they want or need, and I'm very often gone, leaving them alone in a room all day.
I plan to change that as soon as possible.
As though the few motivation issues I had before weren't enough, of course after all of this happened my motivation tanked. And now with my kids, my productivity tanked, as I'm having to run after them almost constantly.
It makes me feel bad. Even worse because most of the things I made / wanted to make for people were half done within the first week. And I've shown that in my gallery. Then all of a sudden, everything just seems to stop. Indie games and work didn't help.
I tried getting back into things many times by making small models like I used to when I made daily models. I tried working on old stuff and finishing it. Tried streaming again as that usually helped, but had computer problems and user issues.
Some people were coming by urging me to stop "harassing" the indie game leader. Not those exact words, but that's what they were getting at. Not only have I not done that, but this was several months after the last time I had even talked to them.
In fact, the last time I had talked to them, about 11 months after their trolling, I just wanted to talk and try to understand what happened. It didn't go well, they were 101% not listening at all, they were very hostile. I finally just said "you're right" and walked.
They didn't understand what I had done for them. What I had been talking about and trying to show others for years. Yes, I could have easily pursued that AB article. I could have easily outed the people that talked bad about me. I still could.
I could have easily reported some of these people or taken them down another way. But I didn't. And I won't. Because....
*sigh*
So many people give in to their anger and insecurities. So many people are always out to defend themselves against nothing, attack everyone over nothing, almost uncontrollably waiting for the slightest mistake to begin their righteous indignation about nothing.
I've seen how vain people can be. I've seen how unwilling to stand up for themselves some people can be. The slightest criticism and they give up forever. As though they were looking for any kind of reason not to put up a fight or move another inch.
But I wasn't trying to fight anyone. I don't want to be angry. I have always wanted whatever area of the internet I go to be a safe place for everyone. I didn't mind what anyone was or what they were into. It's not about labels, it's about people.
As I told many of these people, we are furs. There's no reason for us to be at each other's necks. We should be together, especially at this time where the fandom really seems to be falling apart more than ever. Some people have even said the fandom died long ago.
That's what I was trying to tell people, but I guess it didn't matter. They want to argue. They want to be enraged. They don't want to have to try. I've seen it much too often to ignore it now.
I think that I also owe myself a big apology.
So much time has been wasted doing what I thought others wanted. Decades gone that I can never get back. So many hours and days wasted now that just pass far too fast it seems.
In my attempts to be an all around good person, open, tolerant, reliable, etc., I didn't realize just how much I was truly being taken advantage of. I didn't realize how bad other people's actions were truly affecting me.
Of course I make mistakes. I don't know if it's more or less than the average person, though I don't make mistakes on purpose and I try to correct and learn from them. I always tried getting advice when I could. I don't think I'm very smart.
Rather dumb actually. I thought any advice I would be given was good advice. Turns out that wasn't true. Just some of what I was told was to talk more openly. Talk about more personal stuff. And so I did. That's how a lot of these journals got started.
The sheer number of these journals should be testament enough as to the trust I put into people's words. Though I had already made journals, I didn't usually talk about personal stuff. I'm mostly to myself.
But even stuff like that was a lie. They weren't helping me to be more of myself and clear my mind, it was just a ruse to get me to talk about personal stuff because they were incredibly nosy. They weren't trying to help me at all.
They were just trying to make me more like them so they wouldn't feel so awkward. I keep falling for everyone's tricks. I feel like the biggest fool ever. But when I needed help, almost no one is around. There's almost no support.
I don't know who to trust, if I can trust anyone at all.
Clearly I have to make some changes. I have to go about things a different way. I have to change my world view on some things.
I think going forward, it's better if I just go it alone. I am making some changes in the background. Hopefully that starts to show / payoff in a few weeks. I'll try to get back into a lot of things and finish what I owe people and more.
There was more stuff I wanted to say, but I'm tired of writing. I've been writing this for weeks, then I put it to the side and made a much shorter journal. Then I did it again and remade it. There's definitely some things I want to say to people, but what's the point.
Begging to hang out with people for 8 months, only to have my money taken and walked out on after 30 seconds? Buying people hundreds of dollars of stuff only to be thrown under the bus when I'm not considered cool enough to know personally?
Rape and murder threats just because I'm trying to care about a person's safety?
No thank you. As I said, no point. Not one of these people ever came to apologize. I don't know if any of them even learned or cared. Whatever. It's fine now.
Though there are more serious things I deal with, such as work and money, this journal was mostly focusing on the online stuff. And the point of this journal was to put it all behind me and start anew. I thought if I talked about it all in detail, I could do that.
But I put the detailed one away, and I don't have to talk about everything. Besides, I had wanted to apologize for being a bit passive-aggressive. Yes, I did it a bit, but if that's the worse I've done then there's nothing to worry about.
But I feel the more I type, the worse I look and feel.
I'm just ready to go to bed now.
Faulty
General | Posted 6 years agoI'm pretty sure that every single one of my recordings were lost.
I put them on a hard drive that pretty much failed and deleted everything.
Not the first time I lost everything before, but it's very annoying, and can be devastating depending on what was lost.
It's faulty. It was faulty just a couple of weeks after I got it brand new, but I didn't know it was the hard drive until months later.
Many / Most of those recordings were done when I was on the indie game team. It not only served as proof, but showed me where I could improve.
I had always wanted to put them on YouTube, but I wanted to edit them first.
Problem was finding / learning a program to do that. Now I can't. So much money I have spent in the last year, and so much of that wasted.
Sorry to those who might have been looking forward to recorded streams.
To be honest, you weren't missing much. Especially the last few streams. They were rather boring.
I put them on a hard drive that pretty much failed and deleted everything.
Not the first time I lost everything before, but it's very annoying, and can be devastating depending on what was lost.
It's faulty. It was faulty just a couple of weeks after I got it brand new, but I didn't know it was the hard drive until months later.
Many / Most of those recordings were done when I was on the indie game team. It not only served as proof, but showed me where I could improve.
I had always wanted to put them on YouTube, but I wanted to edit them first.
Problem was finding / learning a program to do that. Now I can't. So much money I have spent in the last year, and so much of that wasted.
Sorry to those who might have been looking forward to recorded streams.
To be honest, you weren't missing much. Especially the last few streams. They were rather boring.
Broken repairs
General | Posted 6 years agoTrying to hold it together.
I mean, I am, not hard for me to do so, but part of me just wants to rage and give up.
I don't really do that kind of thing anyway though.
My bike broke, again. In the rain. Barely 10 minutes away from my second job after I was getting off.
I was heading for my first job to look for my suddenly lost flashlight so I can see the road.
Barely halfway up the street and the bike breaks. The derailleur again. Which is strange because I wasn't shifting.
This is the second time it's broken.
I had to abandon my bike at my first job outside the office.
I hope my panniers (bike bags) aren't raided. Heck, I hope my bike is still there.
As much as I paid for this bike. All the repairing. All the waiting for parts. It should be working just fine, instead it's as though the bike is heckbent on making sure I can't ride it at all.
Do I throw more money at it for better upgraded parts, or do I just return what I can, and sell the rest?
*sigh*
So tired of this.
It's alright 1. I have to go to bed anyway. Very tired, kids are being unwavering in their want of ...everything I guess, and the wall is starting to peel because now the wall is leaking from the rain outsicde.
Meh.
I mean, I am, not hard for me to do so, but part of me just wants to rage and give up.
I don't really do that kind of thing anyway though.
My bike broke, again. In the rain. Barely 10 minutes away from my second job after I was getting off.
I was heading for my first job to look for my suddenly lost flashlight so I can see the road.
Barely halfway up the street and the bike breaks. The derailleur again. Which is strange because I wasn't shifting.
This is the second time it's broken.
I had to abandon my bike at my first job outside the office.
I hope my panniers (bike bags) aren't raided. Heck, I hope my bike is still there.
As much as I paid for this bike. All the repairing. All the waiting for parts. It should be working just fine, instead it's as though the bike is heckbent on making sure I can't ride it at all.
Do I throw more money at it for better upgraded parts, or do I just return what I can, and sell the rest?
*sigh*
So tired of this.
It's alright 1. I have to go to bed anyway. Very tired, kids are being unwavering in their want of ...everything I guess, and the wall is starting to peel because now the wall is leaking from the rain outsicde.
Meh.
Radicals
General | Posted 6 years agoMaybe I should go out and do a radical change to my life.
Cut my hair and dye it, since clearly it's not growing (been growing it now for 14 YEARS, literally hasn't moved an inch).
Maybe get a few tattoos.
Maybe go out and look for some tail. Maybe a mate, but not a long term mate. I wanna try once more with the whole relationship or at least sex thing, so maybe I won't have such a horrible time this time around.
Actually go buy a bunch of clothes and change up my wardrobe.
Maybe look for another job instead of the two I have.
Maybe look for a place of my own instead of what I had planned.
Maybe look for a cheap car, or get rid of that bicycle and just go for a motorcycle.
Maybe build my confidence up a little then start recording videos for Xtube.
Maybe I should stop delaying it and think more about a sex change.
Maybe I should put on some makeup soon and see how it looks on me.
Meh. Just being weird is all.
Cut my hair and dye it, since clearly it's not growing (been growing it now for 14 YEARS, literally hasn't moved an inch).
Maybe get a few tattoos.
Maybe go out and look for some tail. Maybe a mate, but not a long term mate. I wanna try once more with the whole relationship or at least sex thing, so maybe I won't have such a horrible time this time around.
Actually go buy a bunch of clothes and change up my wardrobe.
Maybe look for another job instead of the two I have.
Maybe look for a place of my own instead of what I had planned.
Maybe look for a cheap car, or get rid of that bicycle and just go for a motorcycle.
Maybe build my confidence up a little then start recording videos for Xtube.
Maybe I should stop delaying it and think more about a sex change.
Maybe I should put on some makeup soon and see how it looks on me.
Meh. Just being weird is all.
Coming together (Fauxtour pt.2)
General | Posted 6 years agoThis journal was meant to be posted well over a month ago
Already I have gotten most of the components for my bike build. Well, most in terms of the stuff I mentioned for the top.
Don't worry (or, I apologize depending on who you are), there will be pictures of the build. I have a picture I'll be posting soon.
First up is the handle bar. This thing looks cool! It's also really light. I got something called a trekking bar, but it's also called a butterfly bar or touring bar. It's wild looking, yet seems to fit the more I look at it.
I can't remember if I mentioned or not, but I wanted to turn this bike into a touring bike. It's not a real touring bike (a kind of "fake touring" bike, hence the name of the project and bike). It's being converted from a cheap mountain bike.
I didn't get the bars just for the namesake and looks alone. I got them because of the range of positions you can use them with. Also they have so much more real estate than other bar types, so I can put more stuff on them.
But now there's a problem. When installing the new handlebar and putting everything back, the headset is suddenly loose.
I thought I might have put it on wrong, but I don't think I did.
I also got something called bar tape. It's a kind of grip tape you put on your bars to make them more grippy,and give it a bit more customization with colors and such.
The bar that I got came with foam grips. I don't really need bar tape, but I wanted to customize my bike a little more, and give them a try. I got two different kinds. One for grip, the other for reflective properties.
Since I don't have pictures right now, please watch these videos instead:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmyFPzlQTqc
In addition, I got an adjustable stem. I was reading up on the bar, and someone mentioned it might need to be raised and / or extended, so I got a stem that was not only slightly longer, but is adjustable up to 60 degrees.
...Posting this video makes me think twice about my stem. More on that in an updated journal...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imVFBufcYhM
Second is the seat. I wanted a "big booty seat" (wider seat) because the included seat is very skinny, and, well, this big ol' tail of mine can't be happy with just sitting on skinny sticks.
That... might be taken a different way~
Anyway, the seat that I picked actually has a back rest on it. I didn't even know they made those! Then again, there's a lot I'm learning since I've been looking up bike stuff.
I'm eager to start using this seat and this bike.
Then there is seat suspension. That's a thing, and I wanted it. Unfortunately, none of the seats with backrests have it, so I had to get something else. They make seat posts with suspension, but those are very expensive. This was a cheaper alternative.
It's like a free hanging bar kind of thing? It's hard to explain. It's very simple in design though.
This isn't the brand, but it's the same thing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s4uMvp-W5Q
I might have already gotten this before the other stuff, but I got another bike front light. It's really bright and has 6 modes. Though 2 of them are strobe, and I don't care for the strobe effects.
This isn't the same brand again, but my light has the same installation band and brightness:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqRaMb0qCS4
Finally, I got a bike rack and rear saddle panniers (bags). This not only greatly adds to the look of a touring vehicle, but now makes my bike a bit more versatile. I can carry stuff now instead of having to wear a book bag!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shkc_GRUZDo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyKmrlrngdA
Thinking about it, I'm ultimately doing this for 2 main reasons, and 1 side reason. The first reason is so I could get around a lot easier.
I walk everywhere. I can still walk everywhere, but there are problems. My socks and shoes don't last as long because of it.
In fact, I'll have to probably go buy yet another pair in a couple of days. And the bottom tread of my boots is already worn out. It's not that old. Maybe a few months. But I noticed that clothes and shoes just don't last long around me.
Strange because it's not as though I'm a super physical guy. In fact, I might be (and have been) considered lazy by some people.
My skin has taken a real beating. If you've saw me 10 to 20 years ago, or even just a couple of years ago, you'd understand.
I'm so much darker than I should be. Years of sunburning. Can I reverse it? It seems to be easier to sunburn now. Darker even after just 2 months now that I work much more outside.
Granted, I'll still be outside in the sun, but in my opinion if I can lower the amount of time I'm in the sun, that's a good thing. And if I could get to my kids a lot faster, then back to work, that's a plus.
Now... it's been over a month since I was supposed to post this, so I may get a few things wrong. I didn't have this finished and was only filling in the blanks. Now I'm kinda lost, heh heh *nervous chuckle*
The second reason is to have a kind of secondary vehicle. Yes I know, it's only a bike. But if something happens where I need to get somewhere fast, or just need to get somewhere in case my car broke down when I get a working one, I have the bike.
I do plan on upgrading it more and hopefully making it more useful and versatile down the line, so hopefully it won't just be a simple bike, but something I can use as a serious emergency vehicle.
It's light (lighter than a car, and something I can pick up), doesn't take up much space, and fairly cheap to repair and / or upgrade. As least, in comparison to a car or a motorcycle.
Not to mention, I wanted to learn, which is another reason I didn't get rid of it. I wanted to learn how to repair, how to maintain, how to upgrade, etc.
That's something that a lot of people don't know, or even care, how to do. For someone like me that doesn't have or make a lot of money, but still is trying to have something, I have no choice but to do it all myself.
I looked into the average cost of getting something fixed by a mechanic, and for the car I wanted to get which was cheap and used, going to a mechanic would have cost AT LEAST 4x more than what I would have paid for the car.
And that's just the repairing of the engine component. I'd still have to worry about changing fluids, replacing panels, new tires, insurance, fees, etc. And that's just a used vehicle. It'd be even more costly to own a new car.
Thus my wanting to learn even more how to just do it myself. Besides, not even problem is going to be listed in a book or on a video, so this gives me the opportunity to see and fix rare or even new problems.
Hopefully this all goes well and I can see this project off.
Already I have gotten most of the components for my bike build. Well, most in terms of the stuff I mentioned for the top.
Don't worry (or, I apologize depending on who you are), there will be pictures of the build. I have a picture I'll be posting soon.
First up is the handle bar. This thing looks cool! It's also really light. I got something called a trekking bar, but it's also called a butterfly bar or touring bar. It's wild looking, yet seems to fit the more I look at it.
I can't remember if I mentioned or not, but I wanted to turn this bike into a touring bike. It's not a real touring bike (a kind of "fake touring" bike, hence the name of the project and bike). It's being converted from a cheap mountain bike.
I didn't get the bars just for the namesake and looks alone. I got them because of the range of positions you can use them with. Also they have so much more real estate than other bar types, so I can put more stuff on them.
But now there's a problem. When installing the new handlebar and putting everything back, the headset is suddenly loose.
I thought I might have put it on wrong, but I don't think I did.
I also got something called bar tape. It's a kind of grip tape you put on your bars to make them more grippy,and give it a bit more customization with colors and such.
The bar that I got came with foam grips. I don't really need bar tape, but I wanted to customize my bike a little more, and give them a try. I got two different kinds. One for grip, the other for reflective properties.
Since I don't have pictures right now, please watch these videos instead:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmyFPzlQTqc
In addition, I got an adjustable stem. I was reading up on the bar, and someone mentioned it might need to be raised and / or extended, so I got a stem that was not only slightly longer, but is adjustable up to 60 degrees.
...Posting this video makes me think twice about my stem. More on that in an updated journal...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imVFBufcYhM
Second is the seat. I wanted a "big booty seat" (wider seat) because the included seat is very skinny, and, well, this big ol' tail of mine can't be happy with just sitting on skinny sticks.
That... might be taken a different way~
Anyway, the seat that I picked actually has a back rest on it. I didn't even know they made those! Then again, there's a lot I'm learning since I've been looking up bike stuff.
I'm eager to start using this seat and this bike.
Then there is seat suspension. That's a thing, and I wanted it. Unfortunately, none of the seats with backrests have it, so I had to get something else. They make seat posts with suspension, but those are very expensive. This was a cheaper alternative.
It's like a free hanging bar kind of thing? It's hard to explain. It's very simple in design though.
This isn't the brand, but it's the same thing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s4uMvp-W5Q
I might have already gotten this before the other stuff, but I got another bike front light. It's really bright and has 6 modes. Though 2 of them are strobe, and I don't care for the strobe effects.
This isn't the same brand again, but my light has the same installation band and brightness:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqRaMb0qCS4
Finally, I got a bike rack and rear saddle panniers (bags). This not only greatly adds to the look of a touring vehicle, but now makes my bike a bit more versatile. I can carry stuff now instead of having to wear a book bag!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shkc_GRUZDo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyKmrlrngdA
Thinking about it, I'm ultimately doing this for 2 main reasons, and 1 side reason. The first reason is so I could get around a lot easier.
I walk everywhere. I can still walk everywhere, but there are problems. My socks and shoes don't last as long because of it.
In fact, I'll have to probably go buy yet another pair in a couple of days. And the bottom tread of my boots is already worn out. It's not that old. Maybe a few months. But I noticed that clothes and shoes just don't last long around me.
Strange because it's not as though I'm a super physical guy. In fact, I might be (and have been) considered lazy by some people.
My skin has taken a real beating. If you've saw me 10 to 20 years ago, or even just a couple of years ago, you'd understand.
I'm so much darker than I should be. Years of sunburning. Can I reverse it? It seems to be easier to sunburn now. Darker even after just 2 months now that I work much more outside.
Granted, I'll still be outside in the sun, but in my opinion if I can lower the amount of time I'm in the sun, that's a good thing. And if I could get to my kids a lot faster, then back to work, that's a plus.
Now... it's been over a month since I was supposed to post this, so I may get a few things wrong. I didn't have this finished and was only filling in the blanks. Now I'm kinda lost, heh heh *nervous chuckle*
The second reason is to have a kind of secondary vehicle. Yes I know, it's only a bike. But if something happens where I need to get somewhere fast, or just need to get somewhere in case my car broke down when I get a working one, I have the bike.
I do plan on upgrading it more and hopefully making it more useful and versatile down the line, so hopefully it won't just be a simple bike, but something I can use as a serious emergency vehicle.
It's light (lighter than a car, and something I can pick up), doesn't take up much space, and fairly cheap to repair and / or upgrade. As least, in comparison to a car or a motorcycle.
Not to mention, I wanted to learn, which is another reason I didn't get rid of it. I wanted to learn how to repair, how to maintain, how to upgrade, etc.
That's something that a lot of people don't know, or even care, how to do. For someone like me that doesn't have or make a lot of money, but still is trying to have something, I have no choice but to do it all myself.
I looked into the average cost of getting something fixed by a mechanic, and for the car I wanted to get which was cheap and used, going to a mechanic would have cost AT LEAST 4x more than what I would have paid for the car.
And that's just the repairing of the engine component. I'd still have to worry about changing fluids, replacing panels, new tires, insurance, fees, etc. And that's just a used vehicle. It'd be even more costly to own a new car.
Thus my wanting to learn even more how to just do it myself. Besides, not even problem is going to be listed in a book or on a video, so this gives me the opportunity to see and fix rare or even new problems.
Hopefully this all goes well and I can see this project off.
What's Yours is Mine. What's Mine is Mine.
General | Posted 6 years agoGot some batteries for a project. Thought they were a good deal.
Wasn't until 2 days later that I found reviews and articles telling me explicitly to not deal with companies and products that I had bought.
When I found out, I immediately requested to cancel my item and get a refund. Seller barely speaks English and said item was already sent. Sure enough, it arrived in the mail this morning.
Big problem is I can't ask eBay to help because of I'm guessing a glitch, neither the order nor the refund request show up on my account at all.
And the last couple of times I asked eBay for help, even directly talking to their spoof team, they were of zero help and seemed to not even care.
I get ripped off and scammed a little too often. I don't like it, though it's happened so much that when it does happen, I can't seem to be really mad at it.
Can't seem to muster up enough emotions about many things actually....
But please stop. Doesn't matter if it's for a dollar or a hundred bucks, that really adds up over time, and I'm not exactly rolling in the dough here.
Meh. Guess I'll go find something to do for the day. After I can figure out how to stop being dizzy...
Wasn't until 2 days later that I found reviews and articles telling me explicitly to not deal with companies and products that I had bought.
When I found out, I immediately requested to cancel my item and get a refund. Seller barely speaks English and said item was already sent. Sure enough, it arrived in the mail this morning.
Big problem is I can't ask eBay to help because of I'm guessing a glitch, neither the order nor the refund request show up on my account at all.
And the last couple of times I asked eBay for help, even directly talking to their spoof team, they were of zero help and seemed to not even care.
I get ripped off and scammed a little too often. I don't like it, though it's happened so much that when it does happen, I can't seem to be really mad at it.
Can't seem to muster up enough emotions about many things actually....
But please stop. Doesn't matter if it's for a dollar or a hundred bucks, that really adds up over time, and I'm not exactly rolling in the dough here.
Meh. Guess I'll go find something to do for the day. After I can figure out how to stop being dizzy...
