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General | Posted 6 years agoYou know, I never really planned to come here and complain.
That's not me. That's not what I do. Despite what a handful of people might say, I'm fairly certain I know myself a bit better than some random person from wherever that couldn't be bothered to even give me 5 minutes of their time.
It was only at the whim of a few people that I started to talk more openly about my personal life and some things that happen on a day to day basis.
I only meant to do it a few times, but I was egged on. Talk more. Talk more personally. And so I did, and it started to get a little out of hand.
It wasn't until I started getting criticized and even low-level lambasted by the same people who told me to do this in the first place that I realized I was tricked yet again.
I trusted someone (some many), I listened to them and followed their advice thinking they knew much better than me and would lead me as best they could, I start off a little wary and somewhat suspicious at first I will admit, but in the end get comfortable with them.
And it is in that moment or shortly after, that they pull the rug from under me.
Every time. Without fail. I fall for it almost every time.
I walk right into a setup I can often see from a mile away, but continue anyway.
I'm used to it.
I've been in that situation multiple times.
You might be thinking: "Well, why don't you just learn from it, you idiot!".
It's not as though I don't learn from my past interactions. It's that I don't want to be changed by every single action based on someone else.
I don't want to become the kind of person that is wary of everyone and hates everything because I got screwed over by a few people.
I don't want to be the kind of person that doesn't know how to forgive and forget.
And I try to give people a second chance. A third chance. Multiple chances. There are caveats each time, yes, but I still want to believe in people.
That's getting increasingly harder to do each time.
I try to forget and just trust people, and end up temporarily forgetting just how quickly and easily some people will throw you under the bus.
The blatant uncaring nature of the whole ordeal.
The sheer speed at which they switch from smiling and laughing in your face like your best friend, to backstabbing you and completely betraying you like a long time enemy war rival or something.
Family, co-workers, friends, acquaintances, completely random people, it doesn't matter. I've dealt with them all.
I remember when backstabbing used to be an action highly looked down upon. Now it's just run-of-the-mill treatment against nearly everyone in too many places.
Got accused of breaking a $10k+ today. I absolutely did not. When I got on it, it made a strange sound, and I looked down to notice a part was snapped.
I tried to get the attention of my co-worker, but they were a ways away, and every other time I try to talk to them or get their attention, they over-talk me suddenly then quickly walk away. I've had several people do that to me actually.
I manage to work around it and finish my job, but let them know immediately afterwards.
They then claim I broke it. I know they did because of how they were talking on the phone, and because I was directly told that's what happened by another co-worker.
I'm pretty sure it happened during transport, which in my opinion is the mostly likely reason. Especially since that particular machine always slides around during transport, even though the brakes are always on AND it's tethered down.
They've been having problems with that machine for weeks, but everyone seemed heckbent on blaming me.
Luckily I wasn't charged or fired, but both could have very easily happened at a snap.
That right there is one of the big reasons I'm leaving. I have to.
I hope to be gone in the next several months. I just have to endure a little bit more.
What am I supposed to do after a situation like that? Walk in giving everyone mean looks and snarling? Part of me wants to show some of my anger, but I don't want to do that kind of thing.
I don't want to hold grudges, and I don't want to be angry all the time.
But it's not just something I can pretend to forget in a few hours or overnight.
And it's not even like they have to lie about it to keep their jobs. Two of those people are going to be leaving in the next couple of weeks.
Meh, whatever.
I'm going to bed. I need to anyway.
Sleep, even though I get a little amount of it, has a good way of kind of resetting things the next day.
Almost like rain.
So, just going to go to sleep and think of something else.
Maybe I just hold a few things higher than other stuff.
Like trust, or honesty, or compassion. I hold these things a lot more dear than , say, money or objects.
I guess that's why it messes with me so much when people go out of their way to break these things.
Eh, I don't know.
That's not me. That's not what I do. Despite what a handful of people might say, I'm fairly certain I know myself a bit better than some random person from wherever that couldn't be bothered to even give me 5 minutes of their time.
It was only at the whim of a few people that I started to talk more openly about my personal life and some things that happen on a day to day basis.
I only meant to do it a few times, but I was egged on. Talk more. Talk more personally. And so I did, and it started to get a little out of hand.
It wasn't until I started getting criticized and even low-level lambasted by the same people who told me to do this in the first place that I realized I was tricked yet again.
I trusted someone (some many), I listened to them and followed their advice thinking they knew much better than me and would lead me as best they could, I start off a little wary and somewhat suspicious at first I will admit, but in the end get comfortable with them.
And it is in that moment or shortly after, that they pull the rug from under me.
Every time. Without fail. I fall for it almost every time.
I walk right into a setup I can often see from a mile away, but continue anyway.
I'm used to it.
I've been in that situation multiple times.
You might be thinking: "Well, why don't you just learn from it, you idiot!".
It's not as though I don't learn from my past interactions. It's that I don't want to be changed by every single action based on someone else.
I don't want to become the kind of person that is wary of everyone and hates everything because I got screwed over by a few people.
I don't want to be the kind of person that doesn't know how to forgive and forget.
And I try to give people a second chance. A third chance. Multiple chances. There are caveats each time, yes, but I still want to believe in people.
That's getting increasingly harder to do each time.
I try to forget and just trust people, and end up temporarily forgetting just how quickly and easily some people will throw you under the bus.
The blatant uncaring nature of the whole ordeal.
The sheer speed at which they switch from smiling and laughing in your face like your best friend, to backstabbing you and completely betraying you like a long time enemy war rival or something.
Family, co-workers, friends, acquaintances, completely random people, it doesn't matter. I've dealt with them all.
I remember when backstabbing used to be an action highly looked down upon. Now it's just run-of-the-mill treatment against nearly everyone in too many places.
Got accused of breaking a $10k+ today. I absolutely did not. When I got on it, it made a strange sound, and I looked down to notice a part was snapped.
I tried to get the attention of my co-worker, but they were a ways away, and every other time I try to talk to them or get their attention, they over-talk me suddenly then quickly walk away. I've had several people do that to me actually.
I manage to work around it and finish my job, but let them know immediately afterwards.
They then claim I broke it. I know they did because of how they were talking on the phone, and because I was directly told that's what happened by another co-worker.
I'm pretty sure it happened during transport, which in my opinion is the mostly likely reason. Especially since that particular machine always slides around during transport, even though the brakes are always on AND it's tethered down.
They've been having problems with that machine for weeks, but everyone seemed heckbent on blaming me.
Luckily I wasn't charged or fired, but both could have very easily happened at a snap.
That right there is one of the big reasons I'm leaving. I have to.
I hope to be gone in the next several months. I just have to endure a little bit more.
What am I supposed to do after a situation like that? Walk in giving everyone mean looks and snarling? Part of me wants to show some of my anger, but I don't want to do that kind of thing.
I don't want to hold grudges, and I don't want to be angry all the time.
But it's not just something I can pretend to forget in a few hours or overnight.
And it's not even like they have to lie about it to keep their jobs. Two of those people are going to be leaving in the next couple of weeks.
Meh, whatever.
I'm going to bed. I need to anyway.
Sleep, even though I get a little amount of it, has a good way of kind of resetting things the next day.
Almost like rain.
So, just going to go to sleep and think of something else.
Maybe I just hold a few things higher than other stuff.
Like trust, or honesty, or compassion. I hold these things a lot more dear than , say, money or objects.
I guess that's why it messes with me so much when people go out of their way to break these things.
Eh, I don't know.
Redaction
General | Posted 6 years agoWas going to post a journal, but...
...maybe I don't have to post a journal every day or every single time even something small comes to mind.
Which was something I wasn't going to do anyway, but ended up doing a little too much.
I was going to say something like "no one talks to me", or "a few people are hiding themselves on SL", but it doesn't matter.
I've been here before. You've all heard me talk about it way too much already.
I just have to get used to being by myself I guess.
It'll be fine.
I can handle it.
...maybe I don't have to post a journal every day or every single time even something small comes to mind.
Which was something I wasn't going to do anyway, but ended up doing a little too much.
I was going to say something like "no one talks to me", or "a few people are hiding themselves on SL", but it doesn't matter.
I've been here before. You've all heard me talk about it way too much already.
I just have to get used to being by myself I guess.
It'll be fine.
I can handle it.
A real CHARActer
General | Posted 6 years agoI've come to the conclusion that if you're the kind of person that looks at someone smiling, laughing, playing, uplifting others, seriously doing their darnedest to just be a truly positive person, and you somehow find negativity out of that and make it a bad thing...
...Then you're a monster.
Doesn't matter that they might be trying and failing at it. They are still seriously trying.
What are you doing, huh?
*poke poke*
Being a little butt master. That's what you're doing.
It really puts subtle messages like Undertale (genocide) into perspective.
But then when it comes to me, nothing is ever really conclusive, is it?
Like why am I still up at 3:30 in the morning? I have to work in the morning (was supposed to be my off day. HA! No.)
Guess it's bed time again. Good night everyone.
..but wait
it's 3 in the morning...
Eh, good morning everyone?
No, that isn't right...
Good.....Norgs?
Good Norgs!!
Good norg everyone.
...Then you're a monster.
Doesn't matter that they might be trying and failing at it. They are still seriously trying.
What are you doing, huh?
*poke poke*
Being a little butt master. That's what you're doing.
It really puts subtle messages like Undertale (genocide) into perspective.
But then when it comes to me, nothing is ever really conclusive, is it?
Like why am I still up at 3:30 in the morning? I have to work in the morning (was supposed to be my off day. HA! No.)
Guess it's bed time again. Good night everyone.
..but wait
it's 3 in the morning...
Eh, good morning everyone?
No, that isn't right...
Good.....Norgs?
Good Norgs!!
Good norg everyone.
meat patty
General | Posted 6 years agoThink I'm getting tired of it all.
I might just become someone's whore.
It's how some people treated me before anyway.
Would anyone here even be slightly interested in that in the slightest?
I might just become someone's whore.
It's how some people treated me before anyway.
Would anyone here even be slightly interested in that in the slightest?
Line piece
General | Posted 6 years agoI should draw more.
I don't mainly because I don't want my character stolen. I've mentioned this before, but was told by someone prominent that it was a stupid thought.
I won't mention who it was, but it was said.
Some people see their characters are just characters. If something happens to it, be it someone or some company stealing it, they just come up with another one.
But for some of us, there is a much deeper connection. I've mentioned this before.
Even though the character I use now is just a "stand-in for my fursona", it's still me. Seeing someone else use my character without permission feels like identity theft, and quite frankly that's what it is anyway.
Though I wanted a character so I could draw and be put in art, rather than just be labeled with a Z avatar all the time.
And the other reason is my workspace is just a big mess. Partially because I don't have much room, partially because there is literally a big mess everywhere. It doesn't help that my PC wants to slow down over and over again.
So hoping I can start drawing again soon.
Though, I don't want to put any more strain on myself as far as making and finishing stuff.
You've all seen how well that's been going for the past few years...
I don't mainly because I don't want my character stolen. I've mentioned this before, but was told by someone prominent that it was a stupid thought.
I won't mention who it was, but it was said.
Some people see their characters are just characters. If something happens to it, be it someone or some company stealing it, they just come up with another one.
But for some of us, there is a much deeper connection. I've mentioned this before.
Even though the character I use now is just a "stand-in for my fursona", it's still me. Seeing someone else use my character without permission feels like identity theft, and quite frankly that's what it is anyway.
Though I wanted a character so I could draw and be put in art, rather than just be labeled with a Z avatar all the time.
And the other reason is my workspace is just a big mess. Partially because I don't have much room, partially because there is literally a big mess everywhere. It doesn't help that my PC wants to slow down over and over again.
So hoping I can start drawing again soon.
Though, I don't want to put any more strain on myself as far as making and finishing stuff.
You've all seen how well that's been going for the past few years...
/// Caution ///
General | Posted 6 years agoHot dog incoming.
Leaky Exhaust
General | Posted 6 years agoWent to bed sometime between 1am and 2am yesterday. Wanted to go earlier, but keep ending up not going early.
Woken up at 5 because my kids needed the bathroom, but it was a trick. And they kept me up until I was supposed to get up a couple hours later.
Left at 8:45am. Didn't get back into the house until 11:45pm. All from a combination of 2 jobs, and walking to the house.
Worked for 14 hours, walked for a bit over an hour, been awake for over 18 hours. It's already 1am again, and I have to do the same thing everyday, all week long.
So tired...
On a positive note (!!), today was the first time I've seen a surprise birthday "party" in person.
It was... nice.
Woken up at 5 because my kids needed the bathroom, but it was a trick. And they kept me up until I was supposed to get up a couple hours later.
Left at 8:45am. Didn't get back into the house until 11:45pm. All from a combination of 2 jobs, and walking to the house.
Worked for 14 hours, walked for a bit over an hour, been awake for over 18 hours. It's already 1am again, and I have to do the same thing everyday, all week long.
So tired...
On a positive note (!!), today was the first time I've seen a surprise birthday "party" in person.
It was... nice.
Salad farts
General | Posted 6 years agoIn my efforts to be more healthy and try to get slim, I figured I would go and get a salad for lunch or something. One of those snack packs with the dressing dip on the side.
I opened the pack...
...and it farted.
Yes, you read that right.
No, I am not kidding.
For the first (second??) time in my life... I had a bowl of salad fart at me.
That's what it smelled like. The smell lingered for a long while.
It was so bad that I just threw it away.
Today I experienced something radical. Something absolutely extraordinary.
And it sucked so hard.
I opened the pack...
...and it farted.
Yes, you read that right.
No, I am not kidding.
For the first (second??) time in my life... I had a bowl of salad fart at me.
That's what it smelled like. The smell lingered for a long while.
It was so bad that I just threw it away.
Today I experienced something radical. Something absolutely extraordinary.
And it sucked so hard.
But... I need them (diapers)...
General | Posted 6 years agoMy daughter started having her period again today. Actually, I think it was last night as I saw strange spots in a few areas. I guess it has been about 6 months since the last time. Dang, how time flies...
In order to combat this, I put diapers on my daughter. This way I don't have to constantly clean up spots. I used to have to lay down towels all over the bed, but it didn't help as much as I thought, and it didn't protect everywhere else.
There are many people here and online that seem to have quite an objection to diapers. A few that have even tried to shame me over it. I find it dumb. In fact, I find the whole idea of kink (and general interest) shaming to be rather ridiculous.
And somewhat hypocritical, as the people who usually have an objection to things like kinks often have strange kinds of their own. In my experience, the people who often seem to have the biggest problem with diapers are those that are often into hyper.
I don't get it. I don't mean their kink, I just mean the whole idea of having such a deep rooted problem with everything. "Live and let live" I guess.
Personally, I don't care what anyone is into. I've seen and heard of people into some rather extreme and sometimes taboo things. That doesn't make a person weird or bad or anything. People are nosy and are too interrogative of the personal lives of others.
A person's sexuality or what they are into sexually doesn't define what kind of person they are or what they are only interested in.
I don't think it's right that so many people practically require to know your sexuality and sexual interests, only to use it as an identity badge to see if they like you or not, or if they should completely throw you away as a person for whatever cockamamie reason.
If people were willing to understand one another, everyone would have so many less problems.
Ironically, in my experience / observations, those who are often into kinks and / or very open with sex and sexuality were usually some of the most down-to-Earth, most understanding, most tolerant people ever.
Quite the opposite of what the big-mouthed talk a lot people say otherwise. Speaking of which, also in my experience / observations, those who often run their mouths and seemingly know everything are usually the more ignorant and intolerant of the bunch.
As though they must broadcast to the world just how ignorant and hateful they truly are, yet for some reason seem to think they are clever and are actually fooling people.
Sorry for that rant. Though my words are spoken in honesty, as they usually are.
In all seriousness (I was being serious), you try waking up to sheets of blood, walking around several drops of blood all over the floor, and having to watch out for bloody marks and bloody urine in certain places. It's quite nasty and annoying.
And this is an everyday, all day thing. To top it off, though her periods are supposed to last about 7 days, no more than 14 (yikes!), the first and last time she had her period, it lasted for 4 months (ARGH!).
No. Not doing that again. Diapers all the way.
Problem is finding them in the correct size. For toddler diapers, they have certain size ratings. I'd like to find size 7 or 8, even 9 if they make them. Though many places seem to stop at size 6. Bleh. Meaning the diaper often gets too stressed and tears soon.
In order to combat this, I put diapers on my daughter. This way I don't have to constantly clean up spots. I used to have to lay down towels all over the bed, but it didn't help as much as I thought, and it didn't protect everywhere else.
There are many people here and online that seem to have quite an objection to diapers. A few that have even tried to shame me over it. I find it dumb. In fact, I find the whole idea of kink (and general interest) shaming to be rather ridiculous.
And somewhat hypocritical, as the people who usually have an objection to things like kinks often have strange kinds of their own. In my experience, the people who often seem to have the biggest problem with diapers are those that are often into hyper.
I don't get it. I don't mean their kink, I just mean the whole idea of having such a deep rooted problem with everything. "Live and let live" I guess.
Personally, I don't care what anyone is into. I've seen and heard of people into some rather extreme and sometimes taboo things. That doesn't make a person weird or bad or anything. People are nosy and are too interrogative of the personal lives of others.
A person's sexuality or what they are into sexually doesn't define what kind of person they are or what they are only interested in.
I don't think it's right that so many people practically require to know your sexuality and sexual interests, only to use it as an identity badge to see if they like you or not, or if they should completely throw you away as a person for whatever cockamamie reason.
If people were willing to understand one another, everyone would have so many less problems.
Ironically, in my experience / observations, those who are often into kinks and / or very open with sex and sexuality were usually some of the most down-to-Earth, most understanding, most tolerant people ever.
Quite the opposite of what the big-mouthed talk a lot people say otherwise. Speaking of which, also in my experience / observations, those who often run their mouths and seemingly know everything are usually the more ignorant and intolerant of the bunch.
As though they must broadcast to the world just how ignorant and hateful they truly are, yet for some reason seem to think they are clever and are actually fooling people.
Sorry for that rant. Though my words are spoken in honesty, as they usually are.
In all seriousness (I was being serious), you try waking up to sheets of blood, walking around several drops of blood all over the floor, and having to watch out for bloody marks and bloody urine in certain places. It's quite nasty and annoying.
And this is an everyday, all day thing. To top it off, though her periods are supposed to last about 7 days, no more than 14 (yikes!), the first and last time she had her period, it lasted for 4 months (ARGH!).
No. Not doing that again. Diapers all the way.
Problem is finding them in the correct size. For toddler diapers, they have certain size ratings. I'd like to find size 7 or 8, even 9 if they make them. Though many places seem to stop at size 6. Bleh. Meaning the diaper often gets too stressed and tears soon.
Why are you here?
General | Posted 6 years agoWhy are you here?
Why are you watching me?
What do you want from me?
I have nothing to offer.
No more money. No more guitars. No more freebies. No more months of free service. No more easy sex.
Nothing.
That's what the people really wanted, right?
Screw all that friendliness crap. Everyone knows it's just a front for the real meat.
I don't even have content anymore.
The content I do have up is crap. Not hard to tell.
One of the few things I didn't want to happen in life already happened long ago:
I became irrelevant.
Everyone already left. Everyone's been gone for a while now.
Don't waste away staying here. Join them.
Go to where the action and the cool people are.
Why are you watching me?
What do you want from me?
I have nothing to offer.
No more money. No more guitars. No more freebies. No more months of free service. No more easy sex.
Nothing.
That's what the people really wanted, right?
Screw all that friendliness crap. Everyone knows it's just a front for the real meat.
I don't even have content anymore.
The content I do have up is crap. Not hard to tell.
One of the few things I didn't want to happen in life already happened long ago:
I became irrelevant.
Everyone already left. Everyone's been gone for a while now.
Don't waste away staying here. Join them.
Go to where the action and the cool people are.
Q&A anyone? Anyone have any questions? MAYBE I have answers
General | Posted 6 years agoI'm kinda bored.
Anyone wanna ask me questions. Like, one of those Q&A (questions and answers) thing that some more popular people do?
I know there is / are sites dedicated to that, but I'm not creating a website just for a few questions.
Trying to maintain and reduce the accounts I have if possible.
Anyone wanna ask me questions. Like, one of those Q&A (questions and answers) thing that some more popular people do?
I know there is / are sites dedicated to that, but I'm not creating a website just for a few questions.
Trying to maintain and reduce the accounts I have if possible.
1/2K
General | Posted 6 years agoJust hit 500 days learning a new language.
Well, technically it's a bit over 650 days, but I think I missed one day by a couple of minutes, and I was reset.
So, 500 consecutive days.
Am I any good at what I learned?
Heck no.
But at least I'm trying. Meh.
Well, technically it's a bit over 650 days, but I think I missed one day by a couple of minutes, and I was reset.
So, 500 consecutive days.
Am I any good at what I learned?
Heck no.
But at least I'm trying. Meh.
Hate, Everlasting
General | Posted 6 years agoI bit the same part of my lip 3 times.
Within 5 minutes
Rage.
Rage beyond the stars.
Pain, seething from my soul.
Words... I don't know.
But it was annoying.
OH HEY, HAVE ANOTHER JOURNAL.
Within 5 minutes
Rage.
Rage beyond the stars.
Pain, seething from my soul.
Words... I don't know.
But it was annoying.
OH HEY, HAVE ANOTHER JOURNAL.
Having second thoughts...
General | Posted 6 years agoHaving second thoughts about this bike build. Might just end it as it is...
Actually, been having second thoughts about a lot of things.
Moving.
The house I wanted to live in.
Jobs.
Vehicles.
I don't know. I try to think and research a lot of tings before I dive into something, but it often seems like I'll suddenly "awaken" and realize I'm making many mistakes.
Or something like that.
I don't know. I need to leave for a bit.
Actually, been having second thoughts about a lot of things.
Moving.
The house I wanted to live in.
Jobs.
Vehicles.
I don't know. I try to think and research a lot of tings before I dive into something, but it often seems like I'll suddenly "awaken" and realize I'm making many mistakes.
Or something like that.
I don't know. I need to leave for a bit.
Media Share - June 2019
General | Posted 6 years ago
The Most Stressful Restaurant Experience Ever
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52YOsjGINSc
https://youtu.be/52YOsjGINSc
Can Comedy Be Funny Anymore?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl2MQq4qO4Y
https://youtu.be/dl2MQq4qO4Y
How To Help A Friend In Need
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Usu8Dg-qZJg
https://youtu.be/Usu8Dg-qZJg
Slap-Ass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-uIwpo0dCU
https://youtu.be/5-uIwpo0dCU
(My apologies for keeping these mostly Key and Peele centric)
The sweetness of roast sweet potato and the spiciness of spicy and sour noodles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMRiUPzp0RY
https://youtu.be/yMRiUPzp0RY
Mixing Jazz and J-Pop
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFXcwv9XISc
https://youtu.be/gFXcwv9XISc
Obsession
General | Posted 6 years agoSome time ago, I had talked about wanting an obsession. I don't actually ~want~ to be addicted / obsessed with anything, but I often saw how happy and productive an obsession seemed to make some people that had it.
They always had something to do, something to show, something to talk about, something they seemed to be good at. Something that made them happy.
It didn't matter if it was a toy, cartoon, drawing, collecting, sexual, fixing or making stuff, or whatever.
Well, I think I do have an obsession, but it doesn't seem to make me happy...
Remember when I said I often have a lot of tabs open, and months ago I said I think I shattered my old record by having 4.5k tabs open?
Yee~aah, I destroyed that record again. Not that I'm trying to honestly. As of this writing, I have 6,522 tabs open.
6.5k tabs.
Yikes.
.....
Now, I had wrote most of this part of the journal a few weeks ago, and during that time, I had over 7,000 tabs open.
That was a day or two after originally writing this.
That's crazy.
Since then, for some reason I opened another window. I think it was by mistake, but I only meant to have about 2 or 3 tabs open. I now have 599.
As "cool" as that is, it's time to close all of this. There are quite a bit of things I don't want to lose, but I'm talking about wading through almost (over?) 8 THOUSAND tabs.
No thank you.
I have a screenshot of me hitting the 6.5k tabs, and I thought I had one where I hit over 7k tabs, but I guess I had problems and couldn't screenshot it.
If my computer would stop freezing (the browser is only part of the problem), I could take a screenshot of the 599 tabs in the second window.
In the past, a few people have asked why I didn't just bookmark everything so I didn't have a ton of tabs open.
Again... this is over 7 to 8 THOUSAND tabs I'm talking about.
FireFox currently has [yet another] an issue where sometimes when I open a new tab, it will automatically bookmark it in a no name folder.
Not to mention, I think at some point, some of my bookmarks started to get bumped off. I don't know if that's true, but it seems like it.
I'll post a few of the screenshots when I can, or on request.)
The biggest question that everyone is probably wondering (including myself before this journal) is... why?
I will explain as best I can, though thinking about it, I think I have already talked about this in a past journal.
I often am on the lookout for better ways to do the things I'm already doing, or learning new things.
Usually that means YouTube, though YT doesn't have everything, so it's off to a random forum, picture, chatroom, etc.
pretty much anywhere I can find the information I am looking for.
Sometimes it's information on how to fix something, something that should be well documented, but is instead hard to find.
Sometimes it's looking up information about a certain product, like my bike for instance.
Again, something that should be well documented, but isn't.
Many times I'll look up better ways to do my job, or try to learn a new thing to do, such as new ways to 3D model or something.
Sometimes it's just something funny, or random, or whatever.
But in a lot of those cases, I'll see a related movie or something that I also want to see. I can't watch 2 movies at once.
I'll open another tab for that movie to come back to it later. Though it's not always a video.
Sometimes it's a forum post, sometimes a journal (I read many to make sure everyone is alright or needs help), sometimes a product, or whatever.
I can't always get to everything though. Sometimes I have to go to work. Sometimes I have to do something else.
Sometimes I'm just too tired and want to rest before I do anything.
Through the repeated actions of opening branching tabs and not having the time to get to them, they add up.
And in my case, they add up a lot. Because I'm afraid if I lose out on that information, I won't find it again. It's happened before.
That's why I have a lot of tabs. Here's hoping that I don't go "over 9,000".
Does it kill my resources? Oh heck yes it does. Though as a(n)power super ultra user, I can tell you it's not really the number.
After about just 30 tabs, all the resources the browser takes is the same as if I did indeed have 7k+ open.
The thing that really takes up a lot of resources is YouTube. Well, any site that uses video. Even some basic gif animations.
And no, it "wasn't all porn". At some point, realize that your jokes and common attempts at being funny are just plain annoying.
Less than 0.1% of the tabs I had open were porn. YES, in my case, that's still technically a lot of porn, but keep in mind my tab count.
It's that high because I haven't actually had the time to go back and finish or even open most of those tabs.
Not that I should be ashamed even if I did / was looking at that much porn. If I made me happy, then who else but myself should really care?
I am long since tired of doing all that I can to please people's delicate sensibilities. Certainly just to keep up some statistic.
Anyway, if I had to guess tab distribution, it's probably something like ~40% YouTube, ~50% FA (about 70% of that being journals, the rest being pictures), under 10% InkBunny (mostly pictures), and the rest was whatever.
Just wish it was something a lot more important or personal, instead of just having a lot of tabs open. I always seem to have some of the dumbest things around me.
And I didn't even get to most of them. I feel like I wasted a tremendous amount of time. Almost as bad as the time wasted for people who planned from the start to use me, abuse me, rip me off, and screw me over in some way.
..Dang it.
They always had something to do, something to show, something to talk about, something they seemed to be good at. Something that made them happy.
It didn't matter if it was a toy, cartoon, drawing, collecting, sexual, fixing or making stuff, or whatever.
Well, I think I do have an obsession, but it doesn't seem to make me happy...
Remember when I said I often have a lot of tabs open, and months ago I said I think I shattered my old record by having 4.5k tabs open?
Yee~aah, I destroyed that record again. Not that I'm trying to honestly. As of this writing, I have 6,522 tabs open.
6.5k tabs.
Yikes.
.....
Now, I had wrote most of this part of the journal a few weeks ago, and during that time, I had over 7,000 tabs open.
That was a day or two after originally writing this.
That's crazy.
Since then, for some reason I opened another window. I think it was by mistake, but I only meant to have about 2 or 3 tabs open. I now have 599.
As "cool" as that is, it's time to close all of this. There are quite a bit of things I don't want to lose, but I'm talking about wading through almost (over?) 8 THOUSAND tabs.
No thank you.
I have a screenshot of me hitting the 6.5k tabs, and I thought I had one where I hit over 7k tabs, but I guess I had problems and couldn't screenshot it.
If my computer would stop freezing (the browser is only part of the problem), I could take a screenshot of the 599 tabs in the second window.
In the past, a few people have asked why I didn't just bookmark everything so I didn't have a ton of tabs open.
Again... this is over 7 to 8 THOUSAND tabs I'm talking about.
FireFox currently has [yet another] an issue where sometimes when I open a new tab, it will automatically bookmark it in a no name folder.
Not to mention, I think at some point, some of my bookmarks started to get bumped off. I don't know if that's true, but it seems like it.
I'll post a few of the screenshots when I can, or on request.)
The biggest question that everyone is probably wondering (including myself before this journal) is... why?
I will explain as best I can, though thinking about it, I think I have already talked about this in a past journal.
I often am on the lookout for better ways to do the things I'm already doing, or learning new things.
Usually that means YouTube, though YT doesn't have everything, so it's off to a random forum, picture, chatroom, etc.
pretty much anywhere I can find the information I am looking for.
Sometimes it's information on how to fix something, something that should be well documented, but is instead hard to find.
Sometimes it's looking up information about a certain product, like my bike for instance.
Again, something that should be well documented, but isn't.
Many times I'll look up better ways to do my job, or try to learn a new thing to do, such as new ways to 3D model or something.
Sometimes it's just something funny, or random, or whatever.
But in a lot of those cases, I'll see a related movie or something that I also want to see. I can't watch 2 movies at once.
I'll open another tab for that movie to come back to it later. Though it's not always a video.
Sometimes it's a forum post, sometimes a journal (I read many to make sure everyone is alright or needs help), sometimes a product, or whatever.
I can't always get to everything though. Sometimes I have to go to work. Sometimes I have to do something else.
Sometimes I'm just too tired and want to rest before I do anything.
Through the repeated actions of opening branching tabs and not having the time to get to them, they add up.
And in my case, they add up a lot. Because I'm afraid if I lose out on that information, I won't find it again. It's happened before.
That's why I have a lot of tabs. Here's hoping that I don't go "over 9,000".
Does it kill my resources? Oh heck yes it does. Though as a(n)
After about just 30 tabs, all the resources the browser takes is the same as if I did indeed have 7k+ open.
The thing that really takes up a lot of resources is YouTube. Well, any site that uses video. Even some basic gif animations.
And no, it "wasn't all porn". At some point, realize that your jokes and common attempts at being funny are just plain annoying.
Less than 0.1% of the tabs I had open were porn. YES, in my case, that's still technically a lot of porn, but keep in mind my tab count.
It's that high because I haven't actually had the time to go back and finish or even open most of those tabs.
Not that I should be ashamed even if I did / was looking at that much porn. If I made me happy, then who else but myself should really care?
I am long since tired of doing all that I can to please people's delicate sensibilities. Certainly just to keep up some statistic.
Anyway, if I had to guess tab distribution, it's probably something like ~40% YouTube, ~50% FA (about 70% of that being journals, the rest being pictures), under 10% InkBunny (mostly pictures), and the rest was whatever.
Just wish it was something a lot more important or personal, instead of just having a lot of tabs open. I always seem to have some of the dumbest things around me.
And I didn't even get to most of them. I feel like I wasted a tremendous amount of time. Almost as bad as the time wasted for people who planned from the start to use me, abuse me, rip me off, and screw me over in some way.
..Dang it.
An idea ("Fauxtour", pt.1 )
General | Posted 6 years agoIn the "Cheap Bikes" journal series, I mentioned that I ended up not returning the bike (still not sure if I should have or not...).
The bike... isn't the best. I know that it was rather cheap, as all "big box bikes" (Walmart and the like, as they are apparently called) usually are.
I knew that I'd likely have to upgrade many or all parts to get a decent bike, but as long as the basic frame was good and I could ride it now, that was fine.
When I am thinking of getting something, I often do research on it. How does it perform? Is it sturdy or will it last? What are the pros and cons?
Is it a good fit for me, or should I go with something else? That kind of stuff. I recommend everyone do this instead of getting the first thing they see or are sold.
After looking around a bit for something affordable and good (decent) quality, I decided on a Hyper Hydroform bike. KevCentral on YouTube was a major help.
(You can ignore everything in the quote box)
Now, when I was doing my research, I often came across channels that claimed dropping a thousand dollars was good to get a "decent budget" bike.
I'm sorry, but a thousand to me is not "budget". And if I'm dropping $1k on a bike, it had better be better than just "decent".
Looking around a bit more, I can kinda see why they say that. Some bike components get crazy expensive. There are some wheels out there that cost well over $2,000. JUST the wheel. Not even a tire.
Those kinds of tires are usually meant made of carbon fiber and meant for top-of-the-line builds or racers, but still.
That is insane, but it's a theme I've seen done in multiple industries.
Cars can get crazy expensive. Phones can get crazy expensive. Mattresses can get crazy expensive. And so on, and so forth.
It's not because they are expensive (up to a point), I think it's because some of these manufacturers and sellers know they can get away with these crazy price hikes.
Does it cost anywhere near the amount you pay for these things for the manufacturers to make? Heck no.
But that's not going to stop them from making and overpricing their products, and that's not going to stop people from thinking they have to buy them.
Some people will say that it's necessary. "If you want quality, you have to spend money". "You get what you pay for". And other such things.
I half agree. While I do think that you shouldn't just plop down with the cheapest thing you can find, I also think it's silly to go buy the most expensive version just because you can or because it's there.
Sure, you can go and spend $8k on a mattress. And I definitely agree that it will be comfortable, and heck of a lot better than a $100 mattress, but I think I'll be quite alright if I spent $300 to 600 on a mattress.
It might not come with every bell and whistle that yours does, but maybe I don't need all of that. Maybe I don't think that having few more options is worth that massive spike in pricing.
It's another theme I've often run into. People think that I HAVE to spend top dollar just to join The Club.
If I want to learn how to play guitar, I HAVE to go out and buy the latest Gibson or Ibanez and spend hundreds on a guitar teacher.
If I want to get into biking, I HAVE to spend well over a thousand on a good Trek or Cannondale, as well as many other accessories.
If I want to get a vehicle, I MUST go to a dealership and look up the lastest and greatest Chevrolet or Hyundai. And I had better be getting something sporty.
Getting a little offhand, if I want to maybe spice up my sex life, or was just curious, Dad Bragon is the only way to go.
(YES I KNOW THAT WAS A TYPO, lol. But it was funny so I left it.)
One philosophy that I've learned, that I don't see or hear too many people saying, and that I need to take to heart more often is that I don't have to do what others are doing.
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH I SPEND ON SOMETHING. It doesn't matter that I didn't drop $1k on a bike, or $600 on a guitar, or $1,300 phone or whatever.
That's not what makes a pro. That's not what makes something good.
It doesn't matter if it's the "best" or not.
The best bike or guitar or vehicle or whatever is the thing that fits you the best.
And the thing that fits you the best will be the thing that fits all of your requirements and that you like.
My guitar didn't even cost me $100, and was used from a pawn shop. My bike didn't even cost me a quarter of a grand. My phone is from China. I got a fake weenie on Amazon. You get the idea.
Also something I have to understand and take to heart more is that this is MY product. MY property. I can do whatever I want with my property.
Most of the time I get something, I don't do much modding. Just as with the whole items must cost certain prices ideal, sometimes I think that items must remain a certain way.
No, you (I) should be allowed to mod things the way I want to. If I want to of course.
Sorry for that little (little?) rant.
I wanted to turn the bike I have now into a kind of touring bike. No, I rarely even get on the bike and it's probably dumb, but meh. I get a lot more rides all of a sudden.
(You can ignore everything in the quote box)
Though... that's yet another theme / pattern I've come across. When I had to walk everywhere, and I still do for the most part, rides were scarce. Though people said they didn't mind, I've spent most of my life learning to read between the lines.
Of course they hate(d) it. I get (have long since gotten) tired of their double-talk and passive-aggressive undertones when I asked for or needed a ride. Mind you, I rarely ask for favors. Rarely. It's because I don't like to aggravate anyone, or have to depend on others.
So I got a bike. Now everyone wants to give me a ride, and I'm getting so many of them lately.
Not limited to that, of course. When I looked for and needed a job, no one would hire me. I have a [worthless] college degree, and I couldn't get a job at McDonald's. When I finally got a job, everyone wanted to hire me. It was strange.
I have never had a mate. Not even once. When I tried to give it a try, I had a bad time every time. But when I finally started talking to someone at least, all of a sudden everyone wanted to treat me "special", including someone I met offline a few times (mistake).
I've had other such similar things happen, but this wasn't supposed to be a long journal, and I've already went off on quite a long tangent already. Bleh.
When I was looking into scooters and motorcycles, I almost always looked up the touring variants. The ones meant to hold a load and drive for a long while.
I even went so far as to try and talk to a few people about their motorcycle. Unfortunately I think I was going to get scammed, so I just put all my effort into this bike instead.
Since this is a bit of a project, and a personal one at that, I figured I would name it.
I have decided to call my bike project "Fauxtour". I'll get to that in a minute. Not sure if I'll change the name, but so far this is sticking.
Now for what I have chosen and what I plan to do in the future:
I've chosen trekking / butterfly bars. I'm not sure yet how I'll set it up, but trekking bars are what I'm going for.
Not sure if I'll wrap them or not. I'm sure I will, but I want to get used to the base bars before I upgrade the upgrade, heh.
When looking for a bar, I came across something called handlebar tape. Before then, I don't think I've heard of it.
I figured at first I would leave it alone and come back to it another time, but after looking up info about it, I figured I would go ahead and get some.
I came across 2 tapes I like. Well, 3, but I didn't want to stray too far from the color scheme, but the third one was a nice orange.
I went with 2 kinds of tape. One kind that is supposedly grippy (what you want) and somewhat matches the bike color.
The other one that has bad reviews because it's very slick (NOT what you want), but is a reflective tape that looks nice when lit.
I figured I'd wrap the bar mostly in the grippy tape, and put the reflective tape in out of reach and other areas of the bike.
The seat has to go. The included one is just too narrow. It hurts whenever I ride on the bike. Like, pain for hours afterwards.
I would have upgraded / switched out the seat a long while ago, but wasn't sure if I was going to keep the bike, and I was doing research.
Since the return date passed, I figured I'd go ahead and do something with it.
I found a nice wide seat a while ago (read: "big booty seat"), but I've decided to get something akin to a touring seat. Usually a bigger seat with a back rest.
I only found 1 or 2 backrests, but they were too expensive and mostly meant for something else. But there are a few seats that have backrests.
Though I wanted something comfortable, and I think I got something, I ~AM~ still thinking about weight and price, thus my choice.
When I went looking for stuff, I just wanted to look around and do a little research. Before I knew it, I had gotten quite a few things already.
This was supposed to take a few weeks to a month or two for the full build, but it's probably already halfway done.
Of course the other half is the real hard part...
So the top part of the bike is practically done. Just gotta wait for the stuff to show up and hopefully fit.
In addition to handle bar stuff and a new seat, I had also gotten a back rack, some panniers, a[nother] light, etc.
I don't think there will be much more for the top of the bike. Maybe a few things. But the real hassle will be for the bottom...
The wheels are probably the hardest thing to upgrade. And definitely the most important and more expensive upgrade on the bike.
What I'm wanting is to change my axle from a quick release to a thru-axle. I want to get tubeless aluminum wheels.
I don't yet know if I'll have to change my suspension. At the moment it's fine, but I don't have the money for both of them anyway.
I can shave off a few pounds, and that's good, but it will cost hundreds to do that.
And of course the big one, a motor...
Seeing as though this is a mountain bike that I'm reforming into a kind of touring bike, maybe you can see why I called it "Fauxtour". That is to say, a "fake touring" bike.
But upon first glance, you might look at this and think "foxtaur" (for years, I always thought "faux" was pronounced "fox"), which will be the kind of mascot for this bike.
When I am done with everything on this bike, I plan to make an emblem for it. I don't see emblems on too many bikes.
It will be the last thing I put on the bike, and provide the finishing touches.
Here's hoping for a successful project.
The bike... isn't the best. I know that it was rather cheap, as all "big box bikes" (Walmart and the like, as they are apparently called) usually are.
I knew that I'd likely have to upgrade many or all parts to get a decent bike, but as long as the basic frame was good and I could ride it now, that was fine.
When I am thinking of getting something, I often do research on it. How does it perform? Is it sturdy or will it last? What are the pros and cons?
Is it a good fit for me, or should I go with something else? That kind of stuff. I recommend everyone do this instead of getting the first thing they see or are sold.
After looking around a bit for something affordable and good (decent) quality, I decided on a Hyper Hydroform bike. KevCentral on YouTube was a major help.
(You can ignore everything in the quote box)
Now, when I was doing my research, I often came across channels that claimed dropping a thousand dollars was good to get a "decent budget" bike.
I'm sorry, but a thousand to me is not "budget". And if I'm dropping $1k on a bike, it had better be better than just "decent".
Looking around a bit more, I can kinda see why they say that. Some bike components get crazy expensive. There are some wheels out there that cost well over $2,000. JUST the wheel. Not even a tire.
Those kinds of tires are usually meant made of carbon fiber and meant for top-of-the-line builds or racers, but still.
That is insane, but it's a theme I've seen done in multiple industries.
Cars can get crazy expensive. Phones can get crazy expensive. Mattresses can get crazy expensive. And so on, and so forth.
It's not because they are expensive (up to a point), I think it's because some of these manufacturers and sellers know they can get away with these crazy price hikes.
Does it cost anywhere near the amount you pay for these things for the manufacturers to make? Heck no.
But that's not going to stop them from making and overpricing their products, and that's not going to stop people from thinking they have to buy them.
Some people will say that it's necessary. "If you want quality, you have to spend money". "You get what you pay for". And other such things.
I half agree. While I do think that you shouldn't just plop down with the cheapest thing you can find, I also think it's silly to go buy the most expensive version just because you can or because it's there.
Sure, you can go and spend $8k on a mattress. And I definitely agree that it will be comfortable, and heck of a lot better than a $100 mattress, but I think I'll be quite alright if I spent $300 to 600 on a mattress.
It might not come with every bell and whistle that yours does, but maybe I don't need all of that. Maybe I don't think that having few more options is worth that massive spike in pricing.
It's another theme I've often run into. People think that I HAVE to spend top dollar just to join The Club.
If I want to learn how to play guitar, I HAVE to go out and buy the latest Gibson or Ibanez and spend hundreds on a guitar teacher.
If I want to get into biking, I HAVE to spend well over a thousand on a good Trek or Cannondale, as well as many other accessories.
If I want to get a vehicle, I MUST go to a dealership and look up the lastest and greatest Chevrolet or Hyundai. And I had better be getting something sporty.
Getting a little offhand, if I want to maybe spice up my sex life, or was just curious, Dad Bragon is the only way to go.
(YES I KNOW THAT WAS A TYPO, lol. But it was funny so I left it.)
One philosophy that I've learned, that I don't see or hear too many people saying, and that I need to take to heart more often is that I don't have to do what others are doing.
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH I SPEND ON SOMETHING. It doesn't matter that I didn't drop $1k on a bike, or $600 on a guitar, or $1,300 phone or whatever.
That's not what makes a pro. That's not what makes something good.
It doesn't matter if it's the "best" or not.
The best bike or guitar or vehicle or whatever is the thing that fits you the best.
And the thing that fits you the best will be the thing that fits all of your requirements and that you like.
My guitar didn't even cost me $100, and was used from a pawn shop. My bike didn't even cost me a quarter of a grand. My phone is from China. I got a fake weenie on Amazon. You get the idea.
Also something I have to understand and take to heart more is that this is MY product. MY property. I can do whatever I want with my property.
Most of the time I get something, I don't do much modding. Just as with the whole items must cost certain prices ideal, sometimes I think that items must remain a certain way.
No, you (I) should be allowed to mod things the way I want to. If I want to of course.
Sorry for that little (little?) rant.
I wanted to turn the bike I have now into a kind of touring bike. No, I rarely even get on the bike and it's probably dumb, but meh. I get a lot more rides all of a sudden.
(You can ignore everything in the quote box)
Though... that's yet another theme / pattern I've come across. When I had to walk everywhere, and I still do for the most part, rides were scarce. Though people said they didn't mind, I've spent most of my life learning to read between the lines.
Of course they hate(d) it. I get (have long since gotten) tired of their double-talk and passive-aggressive undertones when I asked for or needed a ride. Mind you, I rarely ask for favors. Rarely. It's because I don't like to aggravate anyone, or have to depend on others.
So I got a bike. Now everyone wants to give me a ride, and I'm getting so many of them lately.
Not limited to that, of course. When I looked for and needed a job, no one would hire me. I have a [worthless] college degree, and I couldn't get a job at McDonald's. When I finally got a job, everyone wanted to hire me. It was strange.
I have never had a mate. Not even once. When I tried to give it a try, I had a bad time every time. But when I finally started talking to someone at least, all of a sudden everyone wanted to treat me "special", including someone I met offline a few times (mistake).
I've had other such similar things happen, but this wasn't supposed to be a long journal, and I've already went off on quite a long tangent already. Bleh.
When I was looking into scooters and motorcycles, I almost always looked up the touring variants. The ones meant to hold a load and drive for a long while.
I even went so far as to try and talk to a few people about their motorcycle. Unfortunately I think I was going to get scammed, so I just put all my effort into this bike instead.
Since this is a bit of a project, and a personal one at that, I figured I would name it.
I have decided to call my bike project "Fauxtour". I'll get to that in a minute. Not sure if I'll change the name, but so far this is sticking.
Now for what I have chosen and what I plan to do in the future:
I've chosen trekking / butterfly bars. I'm not sure yet how I'll set it up, but trekking bars are what I'm going for.
Not sure if I'll wrap them or not. I'm sure I will, but I want to get used to the base bars before I upgrade the upgrade, heh.
When looking for a bar, I came across something called handlebar tape. Before then, I don't think I've heard of it.
I figured at first I would leave it alone and come back to it another time, but after looking up info about it, I figured I would go ahead and get some.
I came across 2 tapes I like. Well, 3, but I didn't want to stray too far from the color scheme, but the third one was a nice orange.
I went with 2 kinds of tape. One kind that is supposedly grippy (what you want) and somewhat matches the bike color.
The other one that has bad reviews because it's very slick (NOT what you want), but is a reflective tape that looks nice when lit.
I figured I'd wrap the bar mostly in the grippy tape, and put the reflective tape in out of reach and other areas of the bike.
The seat has to go. The included one is just too narrow. It hurts whenever I ride on the bike. Like, pain for hours afterwards.
I would have upgraded / switched out the seat a long while ago, but wasn't sure if I was going to keep the bike, and I was doing research.
Since the return date passed, I figured I'd go ahead and do something with it.
I found a nice wide seat a while ago (read: "big booty seat"), but I've decided to get something akin to a touring seat. Usually a bigger seat with a back rest.
I only found 1 or 2 backrests, but they were too expensive and mostly meant for something else. But there are a few seats that have backrests.
Though I wanted something comfortable, and I think I got something, I ~AM~ still thinking about weight and price, thus my choice.
When I went looking for stuff, I just wanted to look around and do a little research. Before I knew it, I had gotten quite a few things already.
This was supposed to take a few weeks to a month or two for the full build, but it's probably already halfway done.
Of course the other half is the real hard part...
So the top part of the bike is practically done. Just gotta wait for the stuff to show up and hopefully fit.
In addition to handle bar stuff and a new seat, I had also gotten a back rack, some panniers, a[nother] light, etc.
I don't think there will be much more for the top of the bike. Maybe a few things. But the real hassle will be for the bottom...
The wheels are probably the hardest thing to upgrade. And definitely the most important and more expensive upgrade on the bike.
What I'm wanting is to change my axle from a quick release to a thru-axle. I want to get tubeless aluminum wheels.
I don't yet know if I'll have to change my suspension. At the moment it's fine, but I don't have the money for both of them anyway.
I can shave off a few pounds, and that's good, but it will cost hundreds to do that.
And of course the big one, a motor...
Seeing as though this is a mountain bike that I'm reforming into a kind of touring bike, maybe you can see why I called it "Fauxtour". That is to say, a "fake touring" bike.
But upon first glance, you might look at this and think "foxtaur" (for years, I always thought "faux" was pronounced "fox"), which will be the kind of mascot for this bike.
When I am done with everything on this bike, I plan to make an emblem for it. I don't see emblems on too many bikes.
It will be the last thing I put on the bike, and provide the finishing touches.
Here's hoping for a successful project.
Anyone wanna donate their character for a bit?
General | Posted 6 years ago*sigh*
I shouldn't.
I have many more things I could and should be doing.
I have no idea when it would even be done, if I can even get to it in a decent time.
But...
...Does anyone wanna maybe lend me their character for practice? Modeling practice that is.
The focus of this wouldn't be the character though, ironically enough. It would be everything else around them / what they're wearing.
Though I really do need to sit down and do character modeling practice.
I shouldn't.
I have many more things I could and should be doing.
I have no idea when it would even be done, if I can even get to it in a decent time.
But...
...Does anyone wanna maybe lend me their character for practice? Modeling practice that is.
The focus of this wouldn't be the character though, ironically enough. It would be everything else around them / what they're wearing.
Though I really do need to sit down and do character modeling practice.
Long distance enjoyment
General | Posted 6 years agoI... think there's something to be said in me finding some amount of enjoyment in watching others have fun and get excited, yet when in a similar situation, I often feel awkward and uninterested.
I'm not uninterested, and I'm not a boring and super serious person.
At least, I don't think I am. I didn't used to be. I don't like that so many people think I am.
It's an opinion that's been going on for over 2 decades with me.
I'm a wacky guy. I like fun stuff. I like to laugh and whatnot. Though so many people think I'm "scary and hostile and intimidating".
Exact words from more than a handful of people. I'm a harmless butter lump (best word, 2019).
I might get a little aggravated from time to time, but I can control my emotions much better than most I see around me.
Bleh.
I find myself watching dozens of minutes, if not hours, of videos of people laughing or reacting to things (like Nintendo's E3) and generally having fun.
Yet when I imagine myself in that setting, I know on the inside I'll be having fun, but I probably won't be able to emote like those others. Not just yet.
Is this... what anxiety is?
...I don't like this feeling. Go away. Someone pee on it for me.
I'm not uninterested, and I'm not a boring and super serious person.
At least, I don't think I am. I didn't used to be. I don't like that so many people think I am.
It's an opinion that's been going on for over 2 decades with me.
I'm a wacky guy. I like fun stuff. I like to laugh and whatnot. Though so many people think I'm "scary and hostile and intimidating".
Exact words from more than a handful of people. I'm a harmless butter lump (best word, 2019).
I might get a little aggravated from time to time, but I can control my emotions much better than most I see around me.
Bleh.
I find myself watching dozens of minutes, if not hours, of videos of people laughing or reacting to things (like Nintendo's E3) and generally having fun.
Yet when I imagine myself in that setting, I know on the inside I'll be having fun, but I probably won't be able to emote like those others. Not just yet.
Is this... what anxiety is?
...I don't like this feeling. Go away. Someone pee on it for me.
Missed the boat (late night ramblings)
General | Posted 6 years agoEven after extending my holiday, I worked so much that I missed the whole thing. I still have tomorrow / later today, but I work both jobs again. I'll be leaving early that morning and getting back to the house later that night.
Bleh. I could be working for as long as 10 to 13 hours a day, and gone for as many as 16 hours a day if I have to walk to both jobs each time.
I find it kind of silly to hear people talk about how they "bust their butt" at work and work all day, but when you see them or hear from others, they are quite often sitting down, taking breaks, doing the easiest task they could find, etc.
And working a normal work shift of about 7 to 8 hours. While driving or getting a ride to work. Meanwhile, I have almost none of that. Meh.
I did try to do something for some people earlier in the week, but people can't hide their true feelings for long. So what was supposed to be something good for quite a bit of people just turns into something hateful and negative.
I'm falling asleep tired, so I must go now.
Bleh. I could be working for as long as 10 to 13 hours a day, and gone for as many as 16 hours a day if I have to walk to both jobs each time.
And working a normal work shift of about 7 to 8 hours. While driving or getting a ride to work. Meanwhile, I have almost none of that. Meh.
I did try to do something for some people earlier in the week, but people can't hide their true feelings for long. So what was supposed to be something good for quite a bit of people just turns into something hateful and negative.
I'm falling asleep tired, so I must go now.
Peace Week 2019
General | Posted 6 years agoI thought today was Tuesday the 11th, but that was yesterday.
Goes to show you just how sleepy I am. I am dangerously sleepy lately.
And that's not a joke. I'm not exaggerating. I've been finding myself falling asleep while I'm operating heavy machinery.
A mere 30 minutes into work. I still had 7 hours to go for that shift, then another 5 hours at my other job.
And an hour+ walk when I don't get the sudden unexpected ride.
ANYWAY, as has been a new tradition I started years ago, YESTERDAY marked the first day of Peace Week.
What's Peace Week? Simply put, it's a holiday about peace. A holiday about expanding tolerances.
A holiday where we let bygones be bygones (am I using that term correctly?).
A holiday where we forgive and forget, where we celebrate and have fun.
It's supposed to go from June 11 to June 13. Not much of a week, eh?
BUT, I've been thinking, rather than the 13th, maybe I should extend it to the 15th.
That's much more of a week than 3 days, heh.
I... have something important I want to say to everyone, but I'm just too tired right now.
It'll hvae to wait a bit. In the meantime, happy Peace Week!
Go out and get someone a present today!
Goes to show you just how sleepy I am. I am dangerously sleepy lately.
And that's not a joke. I'm not exaggerating. I've been finding myself falling asleep while I'm operating heavy machinery.
A mere 30 minutes into work. I still had 7 hours to go for that shift, then another 5 hours at my other job.
And an hour+ walk when I don't get the sudden unexpected ride.
ANYWAY, as has been a new tradition I started years ago, YESTERDAY marked the first day of Peace Week.
What's Peace Week? Simply put, it's a holiday about peace. A holiday about expanding tolerances.
A holiday where we let bygones be bygones (am I using that term correctly?).
A holiday where we forgive and forget, where we celebrate and have fun.
It's supposed to go from June 11 to June 13. Not much of a week, eh?
BUT, I've been thinking, rather than the 13th, maybe I should extend it to the 15th.
That's much more of a week than 3 days, heh.
I... have something important I want to say to everyone, but I'm just too tired right now.
It'll hvae to wait a bit. In the meantime, happy Peace Week!
Go out and get someone a present today!
Conundrum
General | Posted 6 years ago..What happened to me?
Did I die? On the inside I mean...
I've been trying to make things better for a long time now.
Years now.
Have I made any progress at all? Even a little?
How long is this supposed to take?
Can... can an internally dead person be resurrected?
Or.. am I gone for good?
Did I really die, or do I just feel that way?
Who am I now?
Who can I be now?
Bah.
So much in my head that is in confliction.
Please be still and leave me in peace.
Did I die? On the inside I mean...
I've been trying to make things better for a long time now.
Years now.
Have I made any progress at all? Even a little?
How long is this supposed to take?
Can... can an internally dead person be resurrected?
Or.. am I gone for good?
Did I really die, or do I just feel that way?
Who am I now?
Who can I be now?
Bah.
So much in my head that is in confliction.
Please be still and leave me in peace.
Cheap bikes, pt6
General | Posted 6 years ago[CAUTION, I'M RAMBLING]
As of (or after) today, it would be too late to get a refund on my bike. Perhaps I should have taken everyone else's advice and just returned it.
But I wanted to give it a chance, and it's not as though it was just a willy-nilly decision to get anything. I did weeks of research and review searching to come to terms with the bike I chose.
There might have been better ones, but at the time I just didn't have the money. Also this bike has a very pretty metallic blue color scheme. At least to me.
With that being said, out of the box there were problems. Now, when I first thought about getting this bike, I fully intended to upgrade it to make it an awesome bike, as I already know many of the base components are on the cheap side.
As long as I could have fun with it now and get used to riding a bike again over time, that was fine. But as I said, out of the box I had to deal with problems.
I had to fix my bike 3 or 4 times since I've had it. As of today being at the 90 day mark, I've only ridden my bike 3 times. What a lousy number.
Yes the bike works. I managed to fix the pedal issue from last time. I had to replace the entire crankset. And because of that, I had to get another tool.
I was hoping to get at least 30 days of riding out of my bike, but alas.
I've been getting a... suspicious amount of extra rides since I got it, which almost defeats the purpose of getting a bike. Not that I'm really complaining, but at the same time, it's a waste of money that I really could have used elsewhere.
But there's something else.
See, because I had gotten back into bikes, and I was looking around some more, I had the sudden urge to look into motorcycles.
I was thinking for a bit and was back and forth as to upgrading my bike into a motorbike by adding a gas motor. But to do that, you need specific frames and mine isn't compatible.
I would also probably be pulled over as it would be considered a motor vehicle, I'd probably need a motorcycle license, I'd need a tag, etc.
It would have been somewhat affordable to me. I also looked into E-bike conversions, but that is too expensive. Just for a motor wheel and the battery would have been 2-4 times more than what I paid for the bike. That's too much.
So I have been looking into scooters and motorcycles. They so much more faster than a bike, and street legal if I get anything 150cc or higher.
I don't need something super fast. I don't want to go super fast, certainly not in something like a motorcycle. Getting around a lot faster would be better though. But is it really worth the cost of a used car?
Especially when I'm trying to save to move on as soon as I can. Probably not. But it's not so much for now. It's for later, when I move and in the case I have a car, and that car breaks down.
If that happens, I'll be screwed. Thus a secondary vehicle. I don't know about motorcycles, but scooters get great MPG. I'd be getting at least 50 or 60 MPG if I got one. I could fill up on gas for 5 bucks, and probably drive around for weeks.
But there are problems with this. The first is the price. I could get a cheap Chinese scooter, and it would take a couple of months to afford it, but something told me no. Was it the speed?
A 150cc could only got 55 MPH. Not that bad, but not so good if I got on the highway or something. But again, just a secondary vehicle, and something to get around the city with a bit better than walking. I have to remember that.
250cc scooters (or 200cc if you can find them) are recommended, but the price got up by about 4x. At that price, I'd just get a used car.
And the wheels on a scooter are very small. Usually 12 or 13 inch wheels. They wouldn't do much good except on smooth road. I was kinda looking for something I could take off-road if need be.
A motorcycle is fast, and has decent size tires. Usually about 17 or 18 inch tires. But they are the most expensive, the hardest to ride, loud, and I'd have to invest in ride armor if I'm going to seriously get one.
Not necessary, but I'm not quite that dumb. I already have a helmet.
I meant to add, when I am referring to scooters and motorcycles, I have had my eye on the touring variants.
Now, there are even more things I haven't talked about yet. Weight, space, weight limit.
My bicycle weighs about 45 pounds I think. It only supports about 275 pounds though. It doesn't take up a lot of space, but if has no space to hold anything.
A scooter weighs about 250 to 350 pounds. It supports about 350 pounds. Sometimes scooters and motorcycles have secondary seats, especially the touring models, but you'd have to be some skinny riders if you're bringing a passenger.
It doesn't take much more space than a bike I think, and has a tiny amount of space to put things.
A motorcycle weighs almost half a ton, especially the bigger touring models. Well over 500 pounds usually. It supports the most weight. Not sure how much though. (Looking it up, it's about 350 to 450 pounds).
They take the most space, and have barely any more space than a scooter.
When it's time for me to leave, I'd have to carry all this stuff with me. Having a thousand extra pounds to carry doesn't bode well for me at all.
I've been trying to talk to a person on Craigslist about their motorcycle trike, but the thing about Craigslist / a lot of online marketplaces is that real people act like they don't want to sell you anything.
They don't want to respond, or take forever doing so. They act like they don't want to actually sell the thing they listed for sale. They often ask for too much and don't give you all the info, etc. Scammers respond instantly and never want you to leave.
Honestly, motorcycles may be out of the question.
But scooters still cost too much. I need at least 150cc to do anything, and those are the cheapest. At least 250cc to keep up with most traffic, and at least 300cc+ if I want to really blend into traffic.
But again, those wheels are small. I don't want to go airborne after hitting a small pothole at 70MPH. The biggest issue to me though is price.
So it's kinda back to the bike.
I came across a video or two that shows how to make an E-bike for about 200 bucks. The range (with the homemade battery) was about 30 miles at about 40mph speed.
I can deal with that.
I'm not playing any more with these online seller people. If the guy wants to act serious and talk to me about his motorcycle that I've asked a few times about now, then we'll talk and I'll spend the next... year? paying it off.
Otherwise, it's looking like I'm going to be modifying this bike.
I planned on upgrading it anyway, and I did want to make it motorized if possible, but the path of upgrading will change.
I... have to change the way I think about personal products. I get so enamored (is that the word?) with how I'm "supposed" to do things, that I forget one very important thing:
My property is ~MY~ property. I can do to it whatever ~I~ want to do. I don't have to take the path of how everyone else upgrades their bikes. It's always the same anyway.
Strip everything and change everything to make it as light as possible. Switch everything to carbon fiber. Switch to air suspension instead of spring suspension, etc.
But I want to take a different path. I want my bike to be a hybrid between the mountain bike that it already is, and a motorized touring bike.
I was going to say what I was going to do with it here, but I've been rambling since this (yesterday) morning, and I really should be in bed.
So here's to another journal in the near future. Hopefully much shorter and to the point...
As of (or after) today, it would be too late to get a refund on my bike. Perhaps I should have taken everyone else's advice and just returned it.
But I wanted to give it a chance, and it's not as though it was just a willy-nilly decision to get anything. I did weeks of research and review searching to come to terms with the bike I chose.
There might have been better ones, but at the time I just didn't have the money. Also this bike has a very pretty metallic blue color scheme. At least to me.
With that being said, out of the box there were problems. Now, when I first thought about getting this bike, I fully intended to upgrade it to make it an awesome bike, as I already know many of the base components are on the cheap side.
As long as I could have fun with it now and get used to riding a bike again over time, that was fine. But as I said, out of the box I had to deal with problems.
I had to fix my bike 3 or 4 times since I've had it. As of today being at the 90 day mark, I've only ridden my bike 3 times. What a lousy number.
Yes the bike works. I managed to fix the pedal issue from last time. I had to replace the entire crankset. And because of that, I had to get another tool.
I was hoping to get at least 30 days of riding out of my bike, but alas.
I've been getting a... suspicious amount of extra rides since I got it, which almost defeats the purpose of getting a bike. Not that I'm really complaining, but at the same time, it's a waste of money that I really could have used elsewhere.
But there's something else.
See, because I had gotten back into bikes, and I was looking around some more, I had the sudden urge to look into motorcycles.
I was thinking for a bit and was back and forth as to upgrading my bike into a motorbike by adding a gas motor. But to do that, you need specific frames and mine isn't compatible.
I would also probably be pulled over as it would be considered a motor vehicle, I'd probably need a motorcycle license, I'd need a tag, etc.
It would have been somewhat affordable to me. I also looked into E-bike conversions, but that is too expensive. Just for a motor wheel and the battery would have been 2-4 times more than what I paid for the bike. That's too much.
So I have been looking into scooters and motorcycles. They so much more faster than a bike, and street legal if I get anything 150cc or higher.
I don't need something super fast. I don't want to go super fast, certainly not in something like a motorcycle. Getting around a lot faster would be better though. But is it really worth the cost of a used car?
Especially when I'm trying to save to move on as soon as I can. Probably not. But it's not so much for now. It's for later, when I move and in the case I have a car, and that car breaks down.
If that happens, I'll be screwed. Thus a secondary vehicle. I don't know about motorcycles, but scooters get great MPG. I'd be getting at least 50 or 60 MPG if I got one. I could fill up on gas for 5 bucks, and probably drive around for weeks.
But there are problems with this. The first is the price. I could get a cheap Chinese scooter, and it would take a couple of months to afford it, but something told me no. Was it the speed?
A 150cc could only got 55 MPH. Not that bad, but not so good if I got on the highway or something. But again, just a secondary vehicle, and something to get around the city with a bit better than walking. I have to remember that.
250cc scooters (or 200cc if you can find them) are recommended, but the price got up by about 4x. At that price, I'd just get a used car.
And the wheels on a scooter are very small. Usually 12 or 13 inch wheels. They wouldn't do much good except on smooth road. I was kinda looking for something I could take off-road if need be.
A motorcycle is fast, and has decent size tires. Usually about 17 or 18 inch tires. But they are the most expensive, the hardest to ride, loud, and I'd have to invest in ride armor if I'm going to seriously get one.
Not necessary, but I'm not quite that dumb. I already have a helmet.
I meant to add, when I am referring to scooters and motorcycles, I have had my eye on the touring variants.
Now, there are even more things I haven't talked about yet. Weight, space, weight limit.
My bicycle weighs about 45 pounds I think. It only supports about 275 pounds though. It doesn't take up a lot of space, but if has no space to hold anything.
A scooter weighs about 250 to 350 pounds. It supports about 350 pounds. Sometimes scooters and motorcycles have secondary seats, especially the touring models, but you'd have to be some skinny riders if you're bringing a passenger.
It doesn't take much more space than a bike I think, and has a tiny amount of space to put things.
A motorcycle weighs almost half a ton, especially the bigger touring models. Well over 500 pounds usually. It supports the most weight. Not sure how much though. (Looking it up, it's about 350 to 450 pounds).
They take the most space, and have barely any more space than a scooter.
When it's time for me to leave, I'd have to carry all this stuff with me. Having a thousand extra pounds to carry doesn't bode well for me at all.
I've been trying to talk to a person on Craigslist about their motorcycle trike, but the thing about Craigslist / a lot of online marketplaces is that real people act like they don't want to sell you anything.
They don't want to respond, or take forever doing so. They act like they don't want to actually sell the thing they listed for sale. They often ask for too much and don't give you all the info, etc. Scammers respond instantly and never want you to leave.
Honestly, motorcycles may be out of the question.
But scooters still cost too much. I need at least 150cc to do anything, and those are the cheapest. At least 250cc to keep up with most traffic, and at least 300cc+ if I want to really blend into traffic.
But again, those wheels are small. I don't want to go airborne after hitting a small pothole at 70MPH. The biggest issue to me though is price.
So it's kinda back to the bike.
I came across a video or two that shows how to make an E-bike for about 200 bucks. The range (with the homemade battery) was about 30 miles at about 40mph speed.
I can deal with that.
I'm not playing any more with these online seller people. If the guy wants to act serious and talk to me about his motorcycle that I've asked a few times about now, then we'll talk and I'll spend the next... year? paying it off.
Otherwise, it's looking like I'm going to be modifying this bike.
I planned on upgrading it anyway, and I did want to make it motorized if possible, but the path of upgrading will change.
I... have to change the way I think about personal products. I get so enamored (is that the word?) with how I'm "supposed" to do things, that I forget one very important thing:
My property is ~MY~ property. I can do to it whatever ~I~ want to do. I don't have to take the path of how everyone else upgrades their bikes. It's always the same anyway.
Strip everything and change everything to make it as light as possible. Switch everything to carbon fiber. Switch to air suspension instead of spring suspension, etc.
But I want to take a different path. I want my bike to be a hybrid between the mountain bike that it already is, and a motorized touring bike.
I was going to say what I was going to do with it here, but I've been rambling since this (yesterday) morning, and I really should be in bed.
So here's to another journal in the near future. Hopefully much shorter and to the point...
Meh Blehs
General | Posted 6 years agoWell, it's looking like I'm going to be keeping that bike, unless I return it in the next 3 days. At least I think I had 90 days to return it.
With my luck, it was actually 30, but it'd more than likely take quite a while to start the return process, so it probably won't happen.
I have to double for the next week almost, so I wouldn't have time anyway. About 11-14 hours a day at work for the next 4 or 5 days.
You'd think my pockets would be loving this, but... I don't seem to feel them getting bigger... What's going on?
I was thinking of getting a sim on SL. I hardly get on SL because everyone avoids me. I've already knew that's what was going on for a long time.
I usually know that's the deal. I want to say it doesn't hurt me any more because I've gotten used to it, but I don't know if that's true.
I'm so tired of waiting on people and trying to get their attention.
ONE TIME in the last few years was I invited somewhere, but it just happened to be the one day I only popped on to check something because I was busy.
Getting a sim would be a waste of money, I know. But meh. A space just for me. Even though I've already failed second life.
What kind of person has a digital life to do and be whatever they want, and the only thing that turns out is an updated replica of the failure of the inner desires and emotions of the first life?
This person apparently.
*EXHALE*
Yeah, I know. Negativity and all that jazz. Sorry. Ugh.
I'll find something positive to post soon.
...I promise I'm not a sad and depressing guy, though a lot of people get that impression.
With my luck, it was actually 30, but it'd more than likely take quite a while to start the return process, so it probably won't happen.
I have to double for the next week almost, so I wouldn't have time anyway. About 11-14 hours a day at work for the next 4 or 5 days.
You'd think my pockets would be loving this, but... I don't seem to feel them getting bigger... What's going on?
I was thinking of getting a sim on SL. I hardly get on SL because everyone avoids me. I've already knew that's what was going on for a long time.
I usually know that's the deal. I want to say it doesn't hurt me any more because I've gotten used to it, but I don't know if that's true.
I'm so tired of waiting on people and trying to get their attention.
ONE TIME in the last few years was I invited somewhere, but it just happened to be the one day I only popped on to check something because I was busy.
Getting a sim would be a waste of money, I know. But meh. A space just for me. Even though I've already failed second life.
What kind of person has a digital life to do and be whatever they want, and the only thing that turns out is an updated replica of the failure of the inner desires and emotions of the first life?
This person apparently.
*EXHALE*
Yeah, I know. Negativity and all that jazz. Sorry. Ugh.
I'll find something positive to post soon.
...I promise I'm not a sad and depressing guy, though a lot of people get that impression.
Supa Stupids
General | Posted 6 years agoI've come to the realization that these journals are effing stupid.
*sigh*
Not really. That's what I want to say. And it's mostly true.
Far too many people misunderstood the point of these journals, and in turn misunderstand me.
More than a few people have tried to manipulate me and / or my words to make me seem as though I was saying something or being someone different.
Attempting to weaponize my own words without even understanding their meaning. That's nasty.
I find it strange the sheer amount of people that misunderstand me so much, and the few that always seem to be / find ways to be offended due to my journals.
Though they were never meant or created to be seen as such a negative and selfish thing, that's been the comment on them by quite a bit of people now to the point every time I write one, no matter how much time I spend on it, I feel really dumb.
Really dumb and as though I had just wasted a ton of time that I don't really have (I work 60-70+ hours a week) on something stupid.
It doesn't help that the last several journals I've made were late at night when I was bobbing my head and fighting sleep.
That's not a good time to make journals, or write something emotionally and mentally heartfelt.
It makes me sound like I'm in a drunken stupor.
Meh, it doesn't matter too much now anyway. I won't be making too much more of these.
It won't be that long before I post my final journal.
You'll know it's my final when you see it.
I'm going to get some sleep now. I'm very tired.
*sigh*
Not really. That's what I want to say. And it's mostly true.
Far too many people misunderstood the point of these journals, and in turn misunderstand me.
More than a few people have tried to manipulate me and / or my words to make me seem as though I was saying something or being someone different.
Attempting to weaponize my own words without even understanding their meaning. That's nasty.
I find it strange the sheer amount of people that misunderstand me so much, and the few that always seem to be / find ways to be offended due to my journals.
Though they were never meant or created to be seen as such a negative and selfish thing, that's been the comment on them by quite a bit of people now to the point every time I write one, no matter how much time I spend on it, I feel really dumb.
Really dumb and as though I had just wasted a ton of time that I don't really have (I work 60-70+ hours a week) on something stupid.
It doesn't help that the last several journals I've made were late at night when I was bobbing my head and fighting sleep.
That's not a good time to make journals, or write something emotionally and mentally heartfelt.
It makes me sound like I'm in a drunken stupor.
Meh, it doesn't matter too much now anyway. I won't be making too much more of these.
It won't be that long before I post my final journal.
You'll know it's my final when you see it.
I'm going to get some sleep now. I'm very tired.
