Person: "Do you know what this is?"

Me "Mmm."

Person: "OK, do you know what that is? What about this?"

Me: "Mmm."

Person: "OK, so you know how to read a tape measure. Did you learn it by selling marijuana or on your own?"

....





Effing... I'm not....
*sigh*
I'm not a drug dealer, jeez. I can't tell if most of the people that say stuff like this are playing or not.
But the inflection and anticipation in their voice leads me to believe they weren't.
I don't even, nor have I ever taken drugs. I don't drink. I don't smoke.
I don't shoot up anything. I don't take pills. I don't even like taking medicine.

I have drunken (drank?) alcohol before. I don't like the taste. Just the smell of liquor or wine almost instantly gives me a headache and makes me want to throw up. The one time someone got me drunk, it was hard to tell anyway.
So I guess technically that's a drug...
I'm about the same, minus the sudden need to bite on things like a dog, and the wobbling back and forth as though I'm going to pass out. Something that I've been doing for several months now. Including now...
(I'm so tired...)





Some people will say: "Well, maybe if you change up your style--"
To what? How many more times? I've done that before. Too many times before. Nothing is ever good enough.
When I dress up, it's a problem. When I'm at work wearing my work clothes, it's a problem. I change between every work outfit I had, and they were all somehow a problem.
When I tried to be more of myself, and I finally gathered the courage to do it, I got gay bashed, openly. Luckily it was verbal and not physical, otherwise I might have died, but the fact that it happened....




Aw, screw it. I'm going to bed.

I've decided to change Music Share series into Media Share.
Doing it because sometimes I just want to share videos (something I used to do often anyway), and I don't actually listen to that much music, which made it challenging to post a music share every few weeks to a month.



Buzz, look an alien!
(https://youtu.be/9nniCFl7pCA)
https://youtu.be/9nniCFl7pCA




Jim pranks Dwight
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y8bje73CwQ)
https://youtu.be/3Y8bje73CwQ




How to do simple hydroponics
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QDo814V7VQ)
https://youtu.be/3QDo814V7VQ


I don't mind learning. I like it actually. I like to learn new things.
I don't mind admitting mistakes or anything like that. I dislike how quite a bit of people claim otherwise, but whatever, not going on that tangent.

Recently I came across someone willing to actually teach me a few new things.
And these are, like, BASIC things. Maybe not that basic, but things I felt I should have known ages ago.



And it... makes me feel like such crap to not only not know those things, but that it's taken me so long to learn.
Especially when I've spent so much time trying to learn and trying to get my lost time back.
If you've ever wanted to feel like such a fool, you can borrow my shoes for a bit...



Meh. Shouldn't be negative. I should be... getting more sleep.
Bleh. I should post another music share journal. But what to share that I've heard recently?

The moon is beautiful tonight.
So bright... It's almost like twilight with as bright as it has been the last couple of days.
The moon and I... perhaps we have a special connection?
I want to just be at peace when I see the full moon.



Listen...
Rather than wait until certain journals who knows how long away, I'll go ahead and say a few things.

I have flaws. I make mistakes. I didn't try to hide them or say I didn't. If anything, I talked about them openly often.
Sometimes the things I might say are a little weird or even unintelligible. I'm sorry for that.

When I started making journals, it was supposed to be a backup of my thoughts and philosophies. I planned to archive them, and use them to further understand and enhance my philosophies.
Looking at them instead, it's almost like I've been further descending into insanity and anger.

That is not the case.
I don't want that to happen.

I'm nearly "done" with journals, so I don't have too much more to make.
Still, I wanted to say this. Now, I'm going to attempt to quiet my kids and actually go to sleep at a decent time.





Oh, glorious moon.
Please help me to find my way...

I know, I know, I. Know.
No one more than me knows.
I get it.

A lot of my journals are similar.
What you might have seen yesterday, or last month, or a year ago could be very similar to journals I've already post long ago.
Aside from obvious journal series, like music share, it's not on purpose.

I have nearly THREE THOUSAND journals after all, so I'm bound to accidentally repeat something.
If you count the journals I have already deleted (thought I was going to start fresh, but stopped after deleting a few hundred), then I have well over 3k journals.
It's be close to around 3.2k I think.


It won't matter too much longer anyway.
As I've mentioned, I won't be posting too much more in the coming future.
And when I leave, it'll be a while before I can post anything at all.

People get on my nerves for a variety of reasons. I'm not going to hate anyone for no reason, goodness no, and I am a big believe in forgiveness, equality, stuff like that.
But there is something in particular that really aggravates me about people:

Their near constant need to act tough, act like a know-it-all, the constant bragging and flaunting they do. Like they are almighty or something.
But when something or someone needs help, suddenly no one can do anything. Suddenly everyone is helpless. Everyone turns a blind eye and a suddenly can't hear.
Their pockets go empty and they can't spare even a dime. Their cars get full and they can't spare a seat to pick up anyone. Suddenly they have no time for anything.


Shortly after midnight, I started hearing a dog barking in the distance. But it wasn't just regular barking, the dog was seemingly screaming bloody murder or something. I was afraid it got hit by a car or something.
I was hoping it was just a dog barking for attention after being let out, but after quite some time, it didn't stop.
"How does no one else hear this?" I thought. We're surrounded by probably 50 people that should be able to hear it, so why doesn't anyone hear it? Or maybe they do and just don't want to do anything about it?
I can hear it just fine. My dogs can hear it and are whining. If no one else is going to do anything about it, I'll at least check to see what is going on.
At first I'm a little nervous. I usually am. What if it was that small gang of dogs (3 dogs) that I saw once trolling the streets? That was a year ago, though I do see 1 or 2 that seem to roam about at night around here.
What if the dog is on someone's property? I can't really just go on their property...


I take a chance and walk towards the noise. It didn't take long for me to reach it, though I still didn't see it. Was a dog stuck on something? Was the dog seriously injured?
It was a fence along what looked like a long driveway. I pull out my flashlight to try and look on the other side of the fence where the noise was coming from. It was a metal fence, but covered in ivy.
Just as I'm about to look over, I hear some rustling of the leaves. I look to see if anything is coming out, but nothing happens.

I go to try and peer over the fence again, and that's when I hear what sounded like a slow gun cock.

...

Maybe I just heard it wrong. Maybe it was just some wood, or the way whatever was on the other side of the fence rubbed against something. But I didn't take the chance. I just started to walk away.
That's when I saw a tiny little beagle pop out from the side and start barking. I thought it was hurt, and the screaming seemed to stop, so I was at least borderline satisfied.

Though I never actually got to see what was going on. I never actually got to see on the other side of the fence. I thought all was fine, but 10 minutes later or so, I hear it again, only quieter.
What is going on? Why is it still going on, but now quieter? It was in the same place. A little bit after that, it continues at the same volume I heard it the first time.
Though I started making this journal shortly after I came back, I've been back and forth doing other things and trying to see what twas going on. It's been almost 2 hours now.
It's not the fact that there's something going on that angers me. There's always something going on. It's the fact that no one else is doing anything. And of course what I thought was a gun being cocked.




And it makes me think: why is it seemingly only me who seems to care about anything or anyone even a little bit?



A couple of years ago at about 5 in the morning, I suddenly heard some woman screaming loudly. A scream of terror and pain. It woke me up from sleeping and with the windows closed. What's going on? Why is no one doing anything?
I wanted so badly to call the police, but it stopped about 3 minutes later. I was urged not to get involved with the place before, but this was possibly someone dying.
That morning I talked about what happened and no one seemed to care. As I was leaving to go somewhere, the area that I heard the screams was littered with police cars.
I'm sure I heard someone literally screaming for their life that night, they more than likely died, and no one gave a dang.
I wanted to talk with a... what I thought was a friend online later on, but then they went and made a journal about me always bugging them, so I stopped asking.



I remember years before when I was in bed sleeping, or trying to sleep. It was early in the morning, like 9 or something. That's when I hear some commotion going on.
I was sleeping in my room with windows closed, and several houses away, there's this fight going on. Some girl was getting jumped in front of her house by 2 or 3 other people.
There were people outside looking at it, someone even laughing and hoping to get a "booty shot". But no one seemed to care about the actual implications of it.
It had nothing to do with me. I first walked outside to check the mail. I wasn't checking the mail, I wanted to see what was going on.
I then just walked up and stood in front of them all. All of a sudden, then what I'm guessing was the dad decided to step out. As long as this was going on, why didn't he step out far sooner? They finally walked away.
I was told not to get involved by a neighbor. OK, it has nothing to do with me, sure, but no one is going to call the cops? No one is at least going to stop it? They're laughing and turning a blind eye instead.
A couple of days later, there was suddenly all of these people hanging out in front of that same house on their driveway for quite some time. Later that day, police tape was put around the house as it was a crime scene.



When a friend of a friend needed help to find a new place to stay as soon as possible, we exhausted all ideas trying to come up with something. Finally I came up with an idea.
My idea was to get a furry caravan going on. Have a chain of people band together to take this person by vehicle little by little until they got to where they needed to go. What's 5 or 10 miles in a car, right? The more the better of course.
So I started by noting people that lived in his state on here. Not everyone, just those I thought could help and were trustworthy.
Instead of anyone actually reading the dang note, I was reported out the wazoo, got trolled for weeks, was lambasted all over twitter, Tumblr, and other sites proclaiming I was trying to find a "booty call", suspended for a few days, and then some.
YEARS after it happened, I was still getting nasty messages from people who very clearly didn't even read the note.
A simple no thank you would have sufficed.

I wasn't demanding help, just asking if anyone could. If they could, great. If they couldn't or didn't want to, that was fine to. So what the heck was with that 0 to 100 eff you response I got?
Out of 83 people that I contacted, only 2 of them had the decency to say they couldn't help, but wished me good luck. Two people. Two.




And there were quite a few more examples of this kind of stuff, but those are the ones off the top of my head.




I'm often worried about these incidents because, well, I don't want to overreact and cause harm where there was none. At the same time, I don't want anyone to get hurt when there clearly is something going on.

I once thought about being a cop. It wasn't long until I kept hearing so much bad press, and all the things that some cops were doing, and seeing the sheer abuse of power that I decided against it. Not to mention it's very dangerous.

I then thought about being a firefighter instead. I actually went up to a fire fighting place (leave me alone, I forgot the name of it), and asked about it. Apparently the application process is intense and takes a long time.
I would have had to wait half a year just to put in an application! The only reason I didn't pursue it further was because I was supposed to be moving soon, and soon after to be in Pennsylvania.
But, surprise surprise, that was another cussing lie. So basically another waste of time and wasted opportunity on my part.

Feels like 90% of my life is nothing but lies and wasted time...





Sorry I all over the place. I guess just knowing that someone or something is hurting really gets to me. And here I was convinced I didn't have feelings for much of anything. These are the ways people can make you feel, if you let them...
I do want to help others, though I often don't have the skills or know-how to do so. I wouldn't mind being a vet, or maybe even be an EMT. I was about to do some volunteer work at the local "humane" society before work got all screwy.

Then again, I forgot there was something called Search and Rescue, and that seemed interesting.
Even if I couldn't become one officially, you see and hear about vigilantes all the time. People band together all the time, or do what claim they have to in order to take down those they don't like or those that seem "too weird".
Hurting, killing, exiling, etc. "Oh no, we have to get these people out of the fandom!" "They are ruining the fandom!" "It was [insert current person the hot seat]'s fault for ruining the fandom!"
Really? It was those few people we rarely hear about that ruined everything? NOT the hundred or so people physically hunting down and hurting these people, and those telling these people to kill themselves and whatnot?
It wasn't them that hurt anything. It was people's hatred and unwillingness to understand or tolerate anything.

So, if people can be like that, why can't I be a "vigilante rescuer"?


I'M SORRY, I'M VERY TIRED AND SLEEPY. Leave me alone. I'm going to bed now.

A long time ago, I came up with this really cool and detailed reference sheet that I wanted to make for myself. Back then, I didn't really have the skill to make it.
Maybe if I pushed myself nowadays, I could make it. Though I don't want to, at least not publicly. Not yet, maybe...

And I will be pushing myself more to make bigger, more detailed submissions. So look forward to that.


Anyway, I had a thought yesterday that persisted for quite some time.
I wanted to show different costumes / outfits on my reference sheet. One (or more?) of those outfits being a dress, or some other women's clothes.
Here's where things get interesting.

You see, I consider myself a herm[aphrodite]. If you don't know, that's basically a mix of a boy and girl. It's someone that have both sets of genitals and / or sexual features.

And thinking this, I thought: "Is it possible for a hermaphrodite to cross dress?"



I'm seriously wondering.

How do people get good jobs? Dang.

I've been looking for several years and I've got nothing. I can't even get a callback from a basic job like a grocery store or a gas station. Even after dressing up, bringing my resume, and coming and calling back over a dozen times.
I'm not asking to be rich. Though that would be very nice, I just enough to buy some land that I want, a decent vehicle, and some money to make my own house.
I've been working for 14 years (technically about 7..., but over the span of 14 years), I've had over 30 jobs, and I don't think I've even made 50k to date. Certainly not 75k.

That's horrible. That's really bad.
I've recently been given many more hours at my other job. I was starting to think things were finally looking up, but then I just did a quick calculation. I'll barely make 5k more for the year (after taxes). That's it.
That's just take home pay, that's not even counting bills, which will leave me with about 3k for the year. That's also not counting other stuff, like food, my kids' health, etc.
I'll be lucky to have a thousand dollars by years end. Which of course will dry up during Christmas, birthdays, and whenever someone needs help.

*puts head in hands and sighs hard*

I was hoping this could finally be the year that I go to a doctor for the first time in my life. I was hoping that by the end of the year, I could finally leave and be free.
So tired of feeling like a doll for everyone to play with...

Just when I thought things were starting to look up, I guess I was just looking at another version of a brick wall. I struggle (I actually said that word for once) to get my kids food sometimes.
Meanwhile I watch others eat all their money away because they make too much. I guess I really will have to pick up a 3rd job, again, but I already leave my kids alone too much as it is, and sleep is always a problem with me.


Ugh... you know things are bad when some silly ideas that used to come to mind, like, oh I don't know, prostitution, start to become more and more active and real options you feel you need to take...
Not that it'd matter. I know how I look, and sound, and even seem to nearly all other people. I look like a foot, if it was crush, burned, and mutilated for days. And then punched in the face by Hulk. I dislike to say it, but sometimes you have to be honest...






*sigh*
*ahem*
There would have been more options, but I can't get a loan because I defaulted on my student loan years ago.
This happened while I was in talks with them to defer my loan for a while. They sold my loan from right under my nose, a few days before the deadline.
I just couldn't find work at at the time. Almost never could.
When I was able to find work, it'd always last only a month, or lasted indefinitely, but all my employees kept screwing with me, my managers kept lying about available hours and kept trying to get rid of me, and I'd eventually be let go or have to leave anyway.

The last debt collection company offered me something called a loan rehabilitation, and I definitely accepted. I thought things were going well, but they screwed me over and made a mistake or something on their part, and tried to garnish my wages.
I showed them proof of income again, and told them about the program they offered me, only for them to send my letter back a few days before the deadline.
Loan companies. Debt collection companies. Pretty much any place or person that deals with your money... all they do is play games. They play with people's lives and their emotions.

Who knows how much money passes through their hands every hour. I just got paid today and my check was $150. For the pay period. My pay period is always 2 weeks. That means I made / make $75 bucks a week.
At a job I've been working at and asking hours from for 3 and a half years. I just paid a $100 bill today, so I have 50 bucks to last for the next 2 weeks until my next check. And I already know my next one will be lower. Probably not even $100.





I'll find something. I'll find a way. I'm sure of it.
It's just...bah.
This isn't what life should be about. An infinite back and forth game of money, time, and frustration.
There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to work for at least 1 year, and have at least half of what I want in life.
You should be able to have at least a decent car, or at least a small amount of land, or at least a small house after a year.
I have none of these things. Maybe $90 in savings. Maybe.




I'm sorry for the depressing journals. Was just wondering something, and now I've gone and made myself feel like butt cheeks again.
Think I'll just go take a nap. Hopefully my kids don't kick me off the bed.

Yes I know it's May, but I said I was going to make this video in April. Though at the time, I didn't realize how close it was to May, and April passed me by, so here is one for April, and I may still have one for May later on.




Cupcakke - Squidward Nose [SEXUALLY EXPLICIT]
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlZbUX3LXvs)
https://youtu.be/dlZbUX3LXvs




Mastodon - Once More Around The Sun
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tI81VTGTdaU)
https://youtu.be/tI81VTGTdaU




Arch Enemy - Breaking the Law (Judas Priest cover)
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jixtkPUM5w)
https://youtu.be/-jixtkPUM5w




Darius Benson - Rap Hotel
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djZZOf2RDK0)
https://youtu.be/djZZOf2RDK0


Many of the things I eat are so dull. I eat them all the time. I look for something new, but it's often the same stuff I've had literally a thousand times, but with a different sauce or something.
I want to try something new. I like trying new things.

I bought a container of shredded (?) butternut squash that I'm about to bake for a bit. That's what the instructions on the back say. I've never had squash, so I'm eager to try it in about, oh let's say 25 minutes.
I also have an eggplant. Though I've bought it before, I never really used it. It smelled good when I cut it, but I either didn't season it right or didn't cook it right. I don't know. So I guess I've never had that before either.


Can anyone recommend to me new things to eat, as well as some recipes?
I'll be taking a closer look at FACCC for a while as well.

I remember texting or trying to get in touch with some friends that seemed hard to get in touch with.
They aren't, but good luck trying to keep up a conversation with them.
They're good people and seem to genuinely want to be friends.

At least that's what I thought at first. Then one day you're coming around the corner, or they happen to call and thinks they puts you on hold but it was an accidentally 3-way, and you hear something you weren't expecting to hear.
Or you're out and about and see another of their friends, and they tell a different story then what you were told by them.
These, and more, were the case with my friends.

Throughout life, I've long since known that I was often not given the whole story, had information withheld that I felt I really needed, and flat out lied to. I knew about much of this already, and so it's hard for me to trust people.
Thus, in order to try and get closer to getting the truth, I had and continue to have to go beyond the simple spoken word of people. I have to listen to certain audio cues, pay attention to expressions, observe their actions, etc.
This is nothing new, though I don't think there are a lot of people who do this or are familiar with this. Or maybe they are and I'm just clueless again.

This sucks because I feel I'm being... what's the word?... dishonest by going above a person's word to figure out what and how they really feel. At the same time, it's because I feel and often times know the other is dishonest that I have to do it.
Not to mention, at lot of this is very time critical and time consuming. You can miss a split second expression that could speak volumes, at the same time, getting to the bottom of the truth can take days, weeks, even years.
Years. When in reality it could have only taken a few seconds to a couple of minutes to just tell the truth.



It was because of these actions that I learned so many of my friends (and co-workers) weren't very honest to me and in some cases really didn't like me at all or were just using me.
I'd be told things like they were busy when they actually weren't. I just wanted to hang out of a few hours one day but they were super busy working multiple jobs. Actually they were off for a few days and were having a sleep over with everyone else but me.
I'd be told their phone wasn't working or they were often here and there with little time. Actually they were almost constantly on their phone. Even when driving. And they were often at home because they couldn't find or hold a job for long.

As I've said, it's not just friends, and it isn't just limited to offline. I have literally begged for hours at work for years. I was always given an excuse. Always. Even when I defeated that excuse, there was another one ready to take its place. Pre-planned no doubt.
But when it came to their friends or sex companions or just people they liked, there was nothing they couldn't have. Doesn't matter if it was illegal or just plain unfair to many others.
Trying to hang out with "friends" online for a little bit, or just trying to have a small conversation on IMs? Watch helplessly as they flail about looking to suddenly need to run away forever or suddenly have something to do, or pretend they are asleep.
But notice they are having frequent conversations with everyone else, or jump up the moment anyone else wants to hang out. I've even tried inviting people to private streams. Streams just for them for stuff they asked for, and they couldn't be bothered. "Busy".
Yet ~mere seconds beforehand~, they were talking opening about having nothing to do, and awaiting stuff from others. FREE stuff, mind you.

Even other people I tried to work with. I tried working on a few indie game teams. I tried heavily motivating and getting people ready for one group, and no one cared. At least not when I did it. I then noticed later almost all my shouts were deleted.
Almost all of my notes were always ignore. THEY WERE READ, often times very soon after I made them, but nothing. Tried to get the leader of the other one to cooperate with me, but they were always "too busy" doing everything else (nothing at all).




I figured at some point, instead of always trying to chase after people, let's see how long it takes them to contact me. If we're really friends, then surely it won't take that long, right?
With some of them, I had waited over 18 months before I finally got too tired of waiting and said something. With the last indie game, I waited 11 months before trying [again] to talk to the leader, only to realize it's just futile and they were never serious.
With another person, I think I had asked for either 8 months or close to 3 years just to hang out for 5 to 10 minutes. I'm not even kidding. There was always a constant excuse. One day they finally agreed. I was so happy.
I met them [online] where they said they'd be, and they asked if I had some money. I said sure, thinking we'd get to hang out afterwards. Without a word (not even thank you), they walked away.
It wasn't until almost 40 minutes later of just sitting there like a lost loser that I realized they weren't coming back. I asked and asked to hang out, and there was always something, even though just moments before they said they weren't busy.
At some point, I stopped asking to hang out and started asking just to see what new BS they'd come up with, until one day they made a journal about me, so I just stopped asking altogether.
Apparently this was a thing with them long before I met them. I guess that's what that forum was all about. Meh.

IMs? I don't use too many, but the ones I do use, I'm usually the one starting the conversations. Like about 90%+ of the time. But I got tired of always starting them and waited to see when someone would say something to me.
It's been months, over a year with a few people, and I'm still waiting...


I get to the house later today and see where an old friend I had been trying to contact for a long time finally said something. Last time he voluntarily spoken to me was... November 2014. -___-
Come on, dude.





Now, I want to reiterate this once again. I've said it time and time before, but I don't think too many people believe me or understand me when I say it.

I DO NOT HATE ANYONE. I really don't. Oh trust me, some of the things people do get on my nerves, even to the point where I just don't want to be around them anymore. But I don't hate anyone.
Even if I dislike a person, there's no reason we can't talk, figure things out and make them better.

But the things people do to others, this stuff right here... that is devastating to a person's mind and self-worth.
It's so much one of the reasons why I don't even bother trying to meet new people. I do, but I don't go out of my way to do it.


Now if you'll excuse me, I have to once again fix my bike and tend to my kids.

Sometimes...
https://youtu.be/NTwwxs3Lqhc

A little late, but...

I was in the store earlier today (yesterday) after work. Getting a few things with the last bit of money I have. I won't be getting paid again for over a week. Meh.
Figured I'd get what I can now instead of blowing it on drinks and food I didn't need, and once again put my kids in a bind for food. That's not fair to them.

Anyway, I didn't have much shopping to do, I get done and get to the registers. They are self-checkout. I'm just about finishing up when I notice a guy walk in.
He starts walking my way. I think he's just leaning a bit in his walk and will walk past me. But he starts slowing down, walking towards me.
Then he gets to me and starts talking:

Him: "Smells like weed. Good weed..."
Me: "Heh, weed?"

That was it. He walked away. I finished and turned around, and saw him turn to look at me, but I tried to turn back around before he notice me looking back and walk away to the house. I was trying (and failing, again) to beat the rain.
And there was no smell of weed. I've been having stuffy nose problems for over a week, but at this time it was open, and weed has a specific smell to it.


I am wondering, did he think I was selling weed, or was he trying to promote that he had it and sell it to me?


Why do so many people think I'm a drug dealer and drug user. There were / are people at my job who always passively accused me of taking drugs. Out of the blue, pointing with their eyes as though I am too stupid and slow to take a hint.
There are some who swear that I must have taken some and sell some, as evident by their sudden interrogation (likely thinking I was a dealer and trying to buy some).

I don't take drugs, despite all that people keep trying to give me or shove in my face. I almost never drink alcohol; I don't even like to take medicine. Doesn't work for me anyway.


Meh, I need to go to bed. Would have long ago, but can't breathe.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too weird.
If I really am a horrible person on the inside.
If I really am wrong about a lot of the things I say and think.

I've made all of these journals, but I don't feel any smarter in regards to anything.
I've forgotten everything I've learned from college, and a big amount of things I've learned from school before college.
I can't see where I'm going in the future. Nothing. As long as I've been thinking about it, I was hoping something would have come to mind by now.
I remember saying I feel like I'm trapped, and that's what leaving was supposed to fix. But I can't help shake the feeling that maybe it's a dumb move.

I don't know what to think. As old as I am and I'm still lost, despite all I've done to think and prepare for the future.
It was all for naught. Almost my entire life has been a waste, and it sucks so hard.
There's nothing there. Even if / when I leave, what then? Thinking about it, it would be too easy for something to go wrong, and rather hard to "reintegrate".





This society. These people. This world...
They'll have you doubting even your own sanity.
When the world can look at you and make you believe you don't exist, even when staring at yourself in the mirror, things have truly gotten bad.




I know I shouldn't keep thinking or making stuff like this, but every time I try to think of better days... not a lot comes to mind.
I know that I'll never be able to get my lost and stolen days and years back. I was hoping that at least something good could have come from it, but again, not a lot comes to mind.

It... kinda makes me feel bad when I see someone talk about something they enjoyed doing, but it was the opposite when I tried doing it with them.
It's not like I was in their way or anything. They avoided me as hard as they could. Even when trying to bend over backwards trying to please people (sometimes literally...), it wasn't enough. It was never enough.
And it was more of the same. I'd make them stuff that they say they wanted, and I'd get started right away, but I wouldn't even hear back from them unless I almost literally had to beg them.

What I didn't realize then was that they were probably just trying to get me to make anything to disappear for a while. But why? What was I doing wrong? I was doing everything they wanted, so why does this keep happening?



It's one of many things that I often think about. Think for far too long on. So long that it has hindered my ability to do much of anything else for too long.
I have to find away to drop these worries; to forget these woes. To clear my head and start doing stuff again.
But I all too often have the feeling that if I do that, if I walk away from people and forget them, that I'm a horrible person for doing so. I want to give people chances. Multiple chances. I want to be at peace with people.
I want some of my old friends back. But it's been years, and not so much as a peep from them even though they are more than active everyday.


I don't know. There seem to be too many things that make me feel bad, and it's almost always because of another person.
I had my ideas as to how to clear my head, but that will take a while and a lot of money.... So until then, I have to look for alternatives.




...It's quite the feeling to see everyone playing and having fun in the streets, but they all stop and stare when you walk down the street, moving shamefully to a lonely existence you didn't want nor asked for, only for everyone to resume when you are gone.
This has happened to me both literally and figuratively.


I think I'll start dropping these bad thoughts by first dropping my tired, overheated tail in the bed for a while...

Upcoming journals and projects:

Journals:

*Influence* ("The big one")
Music Share, April 2019 (thinking of doing one every month)
Job Woes (an "on and off" that I ultimately did not post, then was going to make it part of the influence journal, but will be partially standalone)
Help journals (I stopped posting these for a long while. I'll get into why in my influence journal, but I've decided to start doing it again)
Silly stuff (because who doesn't need more silly in their life, eh?)

Submissions:

Seaduck (~complete~, and alternate request)
"Strawberries 2" (request and gift)
"Chucky's plane" (overdue gift)
Unofficial sequel (partial gift and unofficial sequel to an image made by a friend)
Bust (a re-attempt at making a bust, gift for a friend)
"Pool party" (not a created submission, but rather a photo of something I plan on making my kids soon)
Teapot (a practice submission)
Character intro 1 (a new character I created back in... 2014? Wanted to show them off, but wasn't too happy with how it looked, got busy with the indie game, and the file was partially lost / corrupted, so to make the changes I wanted, I had to start over)
Character intro 2 (another new character that I tried to create back in... August? Thought it was going to be quick and was meant mostly as practice and a motivation boost, but obviously that didn't work)

Pick guard (a custom pick guard I plan on making for the guitar I finally got back. I have to design it and figure out how to do it though)





This isn't all, these aren't in order, and there is no ETA on anything.
But figured I'd put it here. Gives me and you something to look forward to.

There are some journals that I want or was going to make, including one tonight. But I decided against it.
I know there aren't many that read journals, but to those that are at least borderline interested, what kind of journals do you want to see?

There are still a couple of "big ones" that I will be putting up, though they will take longer than I thought. After that, there won't be much left...

I don't like the word "cringe". And I really dislike being a downer, but...
I feel like I'm supremely cringey, despite all the numerous attempts to stop this.
I have for a long time. Many years now.
And even though I've done my darnedest to get in touch with and keep everyone together, I feel like I pushed them all away.
Online, offline, work, family. It doesn't matter.
I don't know what I did. I tried many things to get everyone back, but nothing worked it seems.

I don't know.
And when I say stuff like this, there will be a couple that will use this as an opportunity to make me feel worse, or as a chance to breach further into my personal space, something I've warned about way too many times now.

I don't know what to think.



Anyway, I'm tired. I gotta stop posting stuff when I'm so tired. I could easily say something weird or incomprehensible.

NightZ everyone.

Alright.
I didn't forget. I think about it all the time actually. I haven't forgotten about kiribans. I haven't forgotten about the Seaduck.
I've just been in a very deep rut.


Anyone who I said I wanted to make something for, let me know. Let me know either in this journal or in a note, but please let me know.
No more stalling, no pretending I don't exist, no pretending you have a million things to do when you don't do anything, this is your last chance. Either let me know what it was so I can try to make it, or forfeit it.

Not being mean or angry, just...I have asked this many times before with no one saying anything. And people often going out of their way to avoid me doesn't really make me feel any better. Especially when it's so obvious because they're so bad at lying.


I know I didn't have that many, but I did have some. Please just tell me.
I need to get all the stuff that I owe others out of the way so I can move on.

-Head pounding since yesterday. Tried getting rid of it and it still hasn't gone away.
-Managing my kids needing to constantly use the bathroom and are itchy all night. Couldn't sleep anyway. Tossed and turned like crazy.
-Have to get up an hour before I wanted to for my kids again.
-Tried to go back to sleep, actually get sleepy, then have to get up for work.
-Have to leave for work... now (15 minutes ago), but it'll be at least another 5 or 10 minutes so I'll have to rush which will make my headache even worse, gotta walk for over an hour there, and won't get back to the house until ~midnight~.
-Then gotta do it all again tomorrow. And from what I was told, this will last at least 6 to 7 months.

Oh, and it's about to rain again.



Some days, I really just don't want to.


Would sure be nice to hear from... anyone on IMs, or SL, or even for people to answer my notes for once and stop pretending I don't exist. Meh. Gotta drag on to work. See you guys.

...I feel very bad that I have to leave my daughter in the cage for all of that time. They aren't meant to stay more than 5 hours, and it's way too small on top of that. But I have no one else to help me, and no working car to rush back to the house.

Anybody wanna give me [INSERT NUMBER HERE] bucks?
I think I want to start my own business again (for real this time), and open an arcade.
I don't know about everywhere else, but they are seriously hard to find sometimes.

I know movie theaters often have a ~small~ section for games, but it's not the same.

I realize I might come off as weird to, well, everyone.
And whereas some people might just be mildly entertained, some others (especially nowadays) get extremely frustrated.

I'm only kidding for the most part.
I'm silly, I like laughing, I like looking at silly things and I like to see other people laughing as well.
It's not good to be angry and passive-aggresive and complaining all the time.
That's ones of the fastest ways to destroy a good mood, and it's something I really don't like being around to be honest.

Yes, sometimes I do post journals really late or early in the morning, and they are a little... off?
My lack of sleep, no doubt. And I do have quite a few serious journals (does it matter when I'm often not taken seriously?).
But a person is more than a single thing they do. We are many things.

And being silly is a big part of me. At least I think... I'm sure it is, and I don't want it to go away.



I seem to have so many other parts being removed little by little, and some parts I can't seem to find or feel anymore as a result.
I feel that if my humor is taken away from me, then "me" is kind of gone. I don't mean to keep throwing up these sudden depressing sentences, but I'm just being honest and telling how I feel.

Laugh. Be silly. It's good for you and good for the world.

WHY?!
WHY at 6 in the dang morning am I still up?!
I gotta go to work in less than 3 hours!!

Instead, I'm laughing my titties off!
Everyone else has long since went to bed and is long asleep, but here my creepy ass is chasing my titties around all over the floor because I'm laughing too much!

Why?


Why?!?


What is wrong with me?

*poots*

Ugh...
Ever have a moment when you're actually enjoying yourself, or you're doing some calm thinking...
And then you come to the realization that you might actually be a heck of a lot more wrong, and cringey (don't like that word), and disliked, and a whole assortment of soul crushing things you didn't think were that bad until now?


No?

I'm the only one?

Well, cuss...



On the... plus side, I guess, I've been laughing my butt off for the last 2 or 3 hours. It's good to laugh.
...Until you realize you're actually really dumb and have to be to work in 5 hours.
But it takes me 2 hours to get to sleep, and 1 hour to get up.


Ugh, I'm so stupid! Dumb rat bunny fox thing...

I'm so tired of it all.

The working. The walking. The lying. The deceit. The repairs. This... life? Everything it seems.

Watching people put forth minimal "effort" and call it a hard day's work, while I put in far more effort just getting to and leaving work.
I have to, if I don't, I won't be going anywhere. And it's not something recent, it's something I've had to do for over a decade.
Doing that over rough terrain, while in socks that don't fit and slide all over shoes that fit even worse than the socks, while wearing a heavy book bag is not at all fun.


That's just one example of many. I was going to say something else, but I'm not gonna fill the journal with crap everyone's heard a thousand times now. Probably literally in my case.



I don't know. I guess I just want out. I want a change. A good change; one that I picked and I'm comfortable with.
I want to not be tethered to anything or anyone all the time.

I kinda feel like I just want to run away sometimes. Or at least go sprinting as hard as I can down the street.
Something, almost anything.


I'm sleepy and rather tired. I gotta stop posting stuff when I'm like that, because then I feel and sound like I'm in a drunken stupor and I'm just saying random stuff.



Just a random journal is all.
Soon I'll be getting rid of all / almost all of these journals. So, bleh I guess.