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Trip to the record store...
General | Posted 6 years ago5,189.
Five THOUSAND, one hundred, eighty night.
That's the amount of tabs I have open right now.
Not that I'm trying to smash any records. Trust me, this is one of those records that would be better left alone.
But hot dang. Totally destroyed my last record of 4k something.
About the only thing it does is kill your memory. Not the CPU. That barely goes about 4% most of the time.
But memory... ugh. Load a movie onto any one of those tabs, and watch your memory deteriorate.
Five THOUSAND, one hundred, eighty night.
That's the amount of tabs I have open right now.
Not that I'm trying to smash any records. Trust me, this is one of those records that would be better left alone.
But hot dang. Totally destroyed my last record of 4k something.
About the only thing it does is kill your memory. Not the CPU. That barely goes about 4% most of the time.
But memory... ugh. Load a movie onto any one of those tabs, and watch your memory deteriorate.
I know my problem [video]
General | Posted 6 years agoThe Almighty Finger of the Internet
General | Posted 6 years agoYou know what really sucks?
Going to look at an image / animation / model / etc., and being blasted by dramatics.
I'm not into that kind of thing. Never was. I don't want to keep up with the current crap. I don't care who said or did what.
Most of the time, people are going to get it wrong anyway. Not that they care, anyway.
If someone wants to take you out, they will. They don't have to know you or anything that you do.
You're guilty by accusation. Even if you're innocent of whatever you're accused of.
And the second you're guilty of something most people hate, you're done. Your career is over. Your life is over.
There's nothing else that you can do, and nowhere that you can go.
You can leave for years, come back, and the hate will still be just as fresh as the day you left.
And that to me really disturbs me.
It's a real shame that the more power and intelligence and opportunity a person or group of people have, the WORSE they often become.
There are people that learn a lot about computers, and instead of using that knowledge to help people, they make viruses and ransomware.
There are groups of people that sometimes use places like CraigsList to set up ambushes and robbery points, when all the other person wanted to do was buy something off of them.
Almost everyone on the internet has the opportunity to learn so much information, and interact with almost all people around the world. But what do they do with that opportunity instead? They fight about every thing they can think of.
It's not everyone, of course. And it's not limited to the fandom. Only fools believe that. But still.
"But it's not bad if we go after ~those~ kinds of people". "Those" being whatever type of people that most others usually hate. Often centered around a couple of different types or taboos, though it can be a variety of things.
And that was an actual sentence I read from someone.
But what does that *really mean*? As long as it's something or someone that most people hate or is different, it's OK?
I don't think so. I think people should try and understand something / someone before they point and harshly criticize them.
It's OK to hurt them, troll them, incarcerate them, beat them up, even kill them? Is it really? Why? What good will come of them? What are you really doing and helping when you do that? Helping yourself to feel better?
I don't think that's right. I think people should be helped and talked to.
Criminal behavior? Anyone can be a criminal at any time for any reason. They don't even have to be aware of it. But regardless of behaviour and actions, only a small handful of people are actually and truly bad.
"But if we get these people out of /our/ fandom, then it will be a much better place!" ~Our~ fandom, as though it's the property of a select few, when it's really a community for all.
Will it? Will it really? When FA decided that cub erotica would be banned, people everywhere rejoiced, as though they had just won some grand victory. The very next day, those same people were complaining and arguing about something else.
When there were people that decided they wanted to leave the fandom for whatever reason, many people rejoiced in the same way. "Yay, we finally got rid of them! I hope they rot!!". The very next day, they were arguing and complaining about something else.
It has nothing to do with the very small amount of certain types of people in the fandom. It's aboutthe fandom's people's perception of them, and what people choose to do with them.
They're making the fandom look bad? I don't necessarily think so. I think what makes the fandom look bad is the sheer amount of in-fighting that goes on.
It's rather rare [for me] to come across someone who might be into, or even do, something that most people don't like. THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE A BAD PERSON. They just have to ~think~ about something that another person hates.
And if that person has followers or people who still support them? They're in the stink too, **just because they don't hate alongside you**.
But many times, including today when I was just looking at an image, I've come across forums and comment threads and sub-sites and the like of people just fighting and arguing over seemingly anything and everything.
What do you think happens when someone goes to look up furry, and all they come across is fighting? Hardly the fault of someone in a taboo. Very much the fault of people who think they must be entitled to a fight because they have a strong opinion.
I like the fandom. I have called it home for over 14 years. Yes, I have seen it change a bit over the years, most notably shortly after I joined. Not necessarily for the better in all cases... But this current generation of furs... ugh.
Jeez.
Some people say that the fandom is and has been dead for a long time. I can see where they're coming from. Some others say it's not dead, but it is dying. I have been in and out of that thought as well.
You can still have furries without a fandom, but it's definitely nice to know there are like-minded people out there. It surely isn't as weird when I know I'm not the only person who thinks about and likes "animal-people".
I've often thought of the fandom as a neighborhood. Some people come and go They can be good people or bad people. Some even stay for the long haul. That neighborhood is a community of people.
But what happens when a group of loud, rowdy neighbors movies in? They scream and yell, even in the middle of the night. They drink and have parties all the time. They litter and destroy the properties around the neighborhood.
And they will sometimes randomly attack people. Why? It doesn't matter why. There's always a reason and excuse why.
Because of these people, the neighborhood looks more dirty and trashy. People are starting to move out. People are turning away from coming in.
And even though the original inhabitants far outweigh the loud neighbors, they are mostly a quiet and peaceful folk, and the others are, well, not.
When other people come into the neighborhood wanting to look at houses, they see what the neighborhood looks like now and see the loud neighbors, they start to think that's the norm for this place and turn away. That's unfair to all the other inhabitants.
That's what I feel the current fandom is.
As with the image problem, and people leaving left and right, if you want things to get better, you have to be better. You have to be the change you want to see.
Stop the fighting. Knock it off with the finger pointing. Quit with the exposed videos. Actually become more positive. Stop relying on only a very small amount of people to it all for you. There aren't many of them. We've sadly lost another recently.
That's one of the reasons I still try to be a helpful and positive person. Yeah I know, I gotta work on it, but still. I want to be someone that others can rely on when they need help, or someone to talk or listen to, or their spirits lifted.
Yeah, I've been screwed before, but why should I blame all furs for the actions of a few? That's dumb. I don't want it to change me. I don't just want to be better, I want to see things get better.
That's what community is all about I think. I don't want to run away the second things get tough, or turn into a butt because a few people were butts to me. I want to see things get better, while also becoming a better person at the same time.
I apologize for the long journal. I tried not to post anymore of those, and I know people don't really read them anyway.
I've always been against misinformation, and be a promoter of truth and thinking critically and for yourself.
When I see all this fighting going on, and certain groups of people getting attacked left and right, it really makes me wonder what's going on, and who the "true bad guy" is here.
I had more to say about this, but I have to go for now. I do have a much bigger journal for another time which touches on this subject, but that's not for a while. And that journal will be one of the last few big journals I will post.
Sorry. I just get tired of walking into war zones when I just wanted to check the mail, you know.
Going to look at an image / animation / model / etc., and being blasted by dramatics.
I'm not into that kind of thing. Never was. I don't want to keep up with the current crap. I don't care who said or did what.
Most of the time, people are going to get it wrong anyway. Not that they care, anyway.
If someone wants to take you out, they will. They don't have to know you or anything that you do.
You're guilty by accusation. Even if you're innocent of whatever you're accused of.
And the second you're guilty of something most people hate, you're done. Your career is over. Your life is over.
There's nothing else that you can do, and nowhere that you can go.
You can leave for years, come back, and the hate will still be just as fresh as the day you left.
And that to me really disturbs me.
It's a real shame that the more power and intelligence and opportunity a person or group of people have, the WORSE they often become.
There are people that learn a lot about computers, and instead of using that knowledge to help people, they make viruses and ransomware.
There are groups of people that sometimes use places like CraigsList to set up ambushes and robbery points, when all the other person wanted to do was buy something off of them.
Almost everyone on the internet has the opportunity to learn so much information, and interact with almost all people around the world. But what do they do with that opportunity instead? They fight about every thing they can think of.
It's not everyone, of course. And it's not limited to the fandom. Only fools believe that. But still.
"But it's not bad if we go after ~those~ kinds of people". "Those" being whatever type of people that most others usually hate. Often centered around a couple of different types or taboos, though it can be a variety of things.
And that was an actual sentence I read from someone.
But what does that *really mean*? As long as it's something or someone that most people hate or is different, it's OK?
I don't think so. I think people should try and understand something / someone before they point and harshly criticize them.
It's OK to hurt them, troll them, incarcerate them, beat them up, even kill them? Is it really? Why? What good will come of them? What are you really doing and helping when you do that? Helping yourself to feel better?
I don't think that's right. I think people should be helped and talked to.
Criminal behavior? Anyone can be a criminal at any time for any reason. They don't even have to be aware of it. But regardless of behaviour and actions, only a small handful of people are actually and truly bad.
"But if we get these people out of /our/ fandom, then it will be a much better place!" ~Our~ fandom, as though it's the property of a select few, when it's really a community for all.
Will it? Will it really? When FA decided that cub erotica would be banned, people everywhere rejoiced, as though they had just won some grand victory. The very next day, those same people were complaining and arguing about something else.
When there were people that decided they wanted to leave the fandom for whatever reason, many people rejoiced in the same way. "Yay, we finally got rid of them! I hope they rot!!". The very next day, they were arguing and complaining about something else.
It has nothing to do with the very small amount of certain types of people in the fandom. It's about
They're making the fandom look bad? I don't necessarily think so. I think what makes the fandom look bad is the sheer amount of in-fighting that goes on.
It's rather rare [for me] to come across someone who might be into, or even do, something that most people don't like. THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE A BAD PERSON. They just have to ~think~ about something that another person hates.
And if that person has followers or people who still support them? They're in the stink too, **just because they don't hate alongside you**.
But many times, including today when I was just looking at an image, I've come across forums and comment threads and sub-sites and the like of people just fighting and arguing over seemingly anything and everything.
What do you think happens when someone goes to look up furry, and all they come across is fighting? Hardly the fault of someone in a taboo. Very much the fault of people who think they must be entitled to a fight because they have a strong opinion.
I like the fandom. I have called it home for over 14 years. Yes, I have seen it change a bit over the years, most notably shortly after I joined. Not necessarily for the better in all cases... But this current generation of furs... ugh.
Jeez.
Some people say that the fandom is and has been dead for a long time. I can see where they're coming from. Some others say it's not dead, but it is dying. I have been in and out of that thought as well.
You can still have furries without a fandom, but it's definitely nice to know there are like-minded people out there. It surely isn't as weird when I know I'm not the only person who thinks about and likes "animal-people".
I've often thought of the fandom as a neighborhood. Some people come and go They can be good people or bad people. Some even stay for the long haul. That neighborhood is a community of people.
But what happens when a group of loud, rowdy neighbors movies in? They scream and yell, even in the middle of the night. They drink and have parties all the time. They litter and destroy the properties around the neighborhood.
And they will sometimes randomly attack people. Why? It doesn't matter why. There's always a reason and excuse why.
Because of these people, the neighborhood looks more dirty and trashy. People are starting to move out. People are turning away from coming in.
And even though the original inhabitants far outweigh the loud neighbors, they are mostly a quiet and peaceful folk, and the others are, well, not.
When other people come into the neighborhood wanting to look at houses, they see what the neighborhood looks like now and see the loud neighbors, they start to think that's the norm for this place and turn away. That's unfair to all the other inhabitants.
That's what I feel the current fandom is.
As with the image problem, and people leaving left and right, if you want things to get better, you have to be better. You have to be the change you want to see.
Stop the fighting. Knock it off with the finger pointing. Quit with the exposed videos. Actually become more positive. Stop relying on only a very small amount of people to it all for you. There aren't many of them. We've sadly lost another recently.
That's one of the reasons I still try to be a helpful and positive person. Yeah I know, I gotta work on it, but still. I want to be someone that others can rely on when they need help, or someone to talk or listen to, or their spirits lifted.
Yeah, I've been screwed before, but why should I blame all furs for the actions of a few? That's dumb. I don't want it to change me. I don't just want to be better, I want to see things get better.
That's what community is all about I think. I don't want to run away the second things get tough, or turn into a butt because a few people were butts to me. I want to see things get better, while also becoming a better person at the same time.
I apologize for the long journal. I tried not to post anymore of those, and I know people don't really read them anyway.
I've always been against misinformation, and be a promoter of truth and thinking critically and for yourself.
When I see all this fighting going on, and certain groups of people getting attacked left and right, it really makes me wonder what's going on, and who the "true bad guy" is here.
I had more to say about this, but I have to go for now. I do have a much bigger journal for another time which touches on this subject, but that's not for a while. And that journal will be one of the last few big journals I will post.
Sorry. I just get tired of walking into war zones when I just wanted to check the mail, you know.
Bottom rung
General | Posted 6 years agoI know I've fallen somewhat since a few years ago.
Yeah, I stopped making as many journals, and compared to when I first got here, I have gotten better at what I do.
But maybe I've fallen a lot more than I thought?
My journals seem to have gotten more and more... desperate? Submissions are nowhere to be found.
I think I make even more people angry than before.
Not like I'm trying to, mind you.
This was one of the reasons I decided against making as many journals.
They are starting to sound more like incoherent rambling and self-depreciation than anything else.
And good luck trying to get the attention of or trying to talk to anyone.
The last conversation I had ended with the guy "needing to leave" a few minutes after we started talking.
He had just gotten on a minute before that, and I had been trying to talk to this person for years.
Should I just stop journals altogether? I still have at least 1 or two important big ones.
*sigh* I'll just go to bed. I gotta go to work in 5 hours.
Yeah, I stopped making as many journals, and compared to when I first got here, I have gotten better at what I do.
But maybe I've fallen a lot more than I thought?
My journals seem to have gotten more and more... desperate? Submissions are nowhere to be found.
I think I make even more people angry than before.
Not like I'm trying to, mind you.
This was one of the reasons I decided against making as many journals.
They are starting to sound more like incoherent rambling and self-depreciation than anything else.
And good luck trying to get the attention of or trying to talk to anyone.
The last conversation I had ended with the guy "needing to leave" a few minutes after we started talking.
He had just gotten on a minute before that, and I had been trying to talk to this person for years.
Should I just stop journals altogether? I still have at least 1 or two important big ones.
*sigh* I'll just go to bed. I gotta go to work in 5 hours.
Cheap bikes, pt5
General | Posted 6 years agoA few weeks ago, I had to call the manufacturer and tell them my problem about the rear derailleur. They said they'd send me a new one.
About a week ago, it finally came. Since then, I've been trying to install the rear derailleur and the hangar. The hex screws of the hangar stripped immediately as I tried to take them out, so what should have been a 1 minute removal took over 30 minutes.
Then I went to install the derailleur. It took me several days, when it should have taken about 10 minutes. In my defense, there have been no instructions for anything. Not the bike, not the part they sent. I had to look up both.
I did find a manual for the derailleur, but it wasn't very clear. Finally I figured out how to put it on the correct way, because every time before that, the chain kept slipping the instant my foot touched the pedal.
I spent day and night working on that thing, when I could. Mind you, this is a NEW bike, brand new out of the box, and I'm already having to repair it ~myself~ for a 2nd time. In all the time I've had it, which was less than a month, I've been on it maybe 10 minutes.
After finally installing it correctly and tuning it, I gave it another test and it seemed to work. Can I ~finally~ ride my bike now? I tested it a bit more and the chain wasn't slipping, and the gears were switching [mostly] correctly. Good!
The next day, which was yesterday, I ride it to work. I didn't realize it would wear me out that bad. I barely ride for 3 minutes and I'm pooped. Am I that out of shape, or am I doing something wrong? I haven't ridden a bike in about 10 to 20 years, so I don't know.
Going to work, it's a lot of downhill areas, but all the areas but the road are very narrow and mostly filled with gravel and dirt. These roads are not designed for walking or biking. People only cater to cars it seems.
I had no choice for a few stretches than to get on the road. I was coasting as fast as I could downhill, and I waited until no cars were coming, but they creep up rather fast out of nowhere. When I saw one and had the chance, I'd pull off road.
I thought I would get to work much faster, but no, it took almost as long as it did to walk. That... kinda defeats much of the purpose of getting this bike. Not all purpose, but a big chunk of it, yeah.
At one point I was so pooped that I had to pull off into a gas station and get some water. I was so hot and tired. I hadn't felt like that in a long time, though I do know that feeling.
I get to work, and a couple of my co-workers were laughing and looking oddly at me. Not out of the ordinary for me it seems...
Though they were weirded out that I was wearing a helmet. A helmet designed for motorcycles at that. When I got a bike, I told myself I wanted a full face helmet.
There are 3 types that I know of: standard bike helmet (top of head), half helmet (top and back of head), and a full face (complete head enclosure). They had I guess a motocross helmet, but it didn't have a face shield.
You're supposed to get goggles for that I think, and there were some there. BUT, they hurt my face and wouldn't fit correctly on me. Even though it would have been cheaper and more... correct(?) to get the motocross helmet and goggles, I got the other.
Fast forward to the end of the day. Going uphill (up a mountain) isn't the easiest thing on a bike. I had to walk for most of it. Again, thought it was going to be much faster, but it wasn't. But I haven't had much time to really time myself. I was so tired.
The next day, today, I'm having to rush again. I am getting worse and worse at timing. On my way to work, I had no choice but to get on the road again for a coast section, and again these random cars creep up on me rather fast.
I was going to pull off anyway because the terrain was flattening out, when suddenly the car behind me overtook me. On a bike. He was VERY close. Dang near ran me off the road. Guess they just couldn't wait 5 to 10 seconds for me to pull off. Bacon fart...
Fast forward again to later tonight, which was about an hour ago. I'm on my way back, maybe a third of the way, when I hear something drop. Is it the rear wheel reflector? That thing fell off the ~INSTANT~ my bike touched ground for the first time.
When I put it back on, it broke. I found another one yesterday on the ground on my way back to the house and put it on.
For about 5 minutes now, and especially at that point, I noticed it was hard to pedal. I thought it was just my shoe.
I have... rather big shoes for a rather big feet. I figured I just wasn't getting a good grip or something... Until I realized there was nothing at my feet. Was the pedal just turned weird or something? I slowed and looked down only to realize what had happened:
The pedal came off.
OK, that's strange. I park my bike, wait to see if any cars are coming, then run to the area where I heard it drop. I see it, pick it up, run back to the bike. I try to put it back on, and... it's not going on. Hmm, that's strang--
Oh. There's a lot of metal debris coming out. I rub the pedal end with my finger and it's covered in metal dust. I try again and again to put the pedal back on, but it's not happening. Out of the blue, my pedal just breaks. I have no choice but to walk back.
The next section was a big uphill, so I was going to have to walk anyway, but still. At this point I was debating what I should do about this bike.
People have already told me that if it were them, they would return it, and that I should do the same. That was a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to them about my bike. A brand new bike that I couldn't ride because I had to already repair it.
But I want to keep it. I want a bike. I want to be able to get around better and get some exercise at the same time. It's such a pretty bike, and after looking around when getting info, apparently it's a good bike for upgrading.
I'll have to contact the manufacturer again about new parts, but I heard [from forums... not a fan of those] that the first time shipping is free from them, but the next time I'd have to pay $35 for shipping.
Looking up what I think is the part, the shipping would actually cost more than the part does.
But, it's a brand new item that was practically defective on arrival.
If I can return this bike and return all the other stuff I bought in relation to this bike (front lights, rear lights with turning signal, motorcycle helmet, U-lock, etc.), that'd be a decent amount of money in my pocket.
But what to do with that money? It wouldn't be that much. Where would it go? Probably towards my kids and some other stuff. But I want a vehicle. I don't have or make enough for a working vehicle. I got a bike. I spent and saved all of my money on that.
A working vehicle would cost so much more, and even if I had one, there's registration, tags, taxes (upon taxes upon taxes...), inspection. That's a lot of hassle just to get it road legal, kinda.
And then because I'd have to find something cheap, I'd more than likely have to buy all new tires. That's expensive. I'd need a set of 4, plus a spare or two. And a set of winter tires, but not right now.
And even after all of that, there's insurance and gas. That's basically an additional 2 bills a month. I don't have the money for all of that.
What am I meant to do?
If I do what people tell me, all it does is make them angry. No matter what, no matter who. I can do everything they want and more and it's not enough. I try to make them feel better, or cater to them, and it just makes them rage harder.
And it makes me feel like I have less of a voice and like I don't really matter when I keep doing that.
But do I follow my heart? How? I spent so much time following others that I don't know what I want. I try to listen to myself and barely anything, if anything at all, echoes back.
When I do follow what I think I want, I fail faster and fall on my face harder than anything before. I'm sure all of the people that dislike me are having a grand ol' time with this kind of stuff.
I really am trying, but it's as though nothing matters. I'm at the end of my rope. I've been at the end of my rope for a long time now. A really long time.
I keep looking for a way out, for a way to extend my rope, or for other avenues to go onto. Though it seems all strands lead back to mine, with me getting ever closer to running out of something to hold onto.
What happens when I reach the end? Do I die? Do I go crazy? Do I begin the slow, agonizing decent into insanity and destruction? I know this took a bit of a detour to what I was talking about, though it has to do what I was talking about somewhat.
I just don't know what I'm meant to do.
*sigh*
I have to double tomorrow. I really should go to bed, and I wanted to a while ago, but I can't.
My kid seems to explicitly wait until I'm about to go to bed, or just getting "comfortable" (less hurty and pressured, or something), then suddenly needs out for the bathroom.
And I have to wash clothes because if I don't, there will be a mildew smell. So much for getting sleep.
About a week ago, it finally came. Since then, I've been trying to install the rear derailleur and the hangar. The hex screws of the hangar stripped immediately as I tried to take them out, so what should have been a 1 minute removal took over 30 minutes.
Then I went to install the derailleur. It took me several days, when it should have taken about 10 minutes. In my defense, there have been no instructions for anything. Not the bike, not the part they sent. I had to look up both.
I did find a manual for the derailleur, but it wasn't very clear. Finally I figured out how to put it on the correct way, because every time before that, the chain kept slipping the instant my foot touched the pedal.
I spent day and night working on that thing, when I could. Mind you, this is a NEW bike, brand new out of the box, and I'm already having to repair it ~myself~ for a 2nd time. In all the time I've had it, which was less than a month, I've been on it maybe 10 minutes.
After finally installing it correctly and tuning it, I gave it another test and it seemed to work. Can I ~finally~ ride my bike now? I tested it a bit more and the chain wasn't slipping, and the gears were switching [mostly] correctly. Good!
The next day, which was yesterday, I ride it to work. I didn't realize it would wear me out that bad. I barely ride for 3 minutes and I'm pooped. Am I that out of shape, or am I doing something wrong? I haven't ridden a bike in about 10 to 20 years, so I don't know.
Going to work, it's a lot of downhill areas, but all the areas but the road are very narrow and mostly filled with gravel and dirt. These roads are not designed for walking or biking. People only cater to cars it seems.
I had no choice for a few stretches than to get on the road. I was coasting as fast as I could downhill, and I waited until no cars were coming, but they creep up rather fast out of nowhere. When I saw one and had the chance, I'd pull off road.
I thought I would get to work much faster, but no, it took almost as long as it did to walk. That... kinda defeats much of the purpose of getting this bike. Not all purpose, but a big chunk of it, yeah.
At one point I was so pooped that I had to pull off into a gas station and get some water. I was so hot and tired. I hadn't felt like that in a long time, though I do know that feeling.
I get to work, and a couple of my co-workers were laughing and looking oddly at me. Not out of the ordinary for me it seems...
Though they were weirded out that I was wearing a helmet. A helmet designed for motorcycles at that. When I got a bike, I told myself I wanted a full face helmet.
There are 3 types that I know of: standard bike helmet (top of head), half helmet (top and back of head), and a full face (complete head enclosure). They had I guess a motocross helmet, but it didn't have a face shield.
You're supposed to get goggles for that I think, and there were some there. BUT, they hurt my face and wouldn't fit correctly on me. Even though it would have been cheaper and more... correct(?) to get the motocross helmet and goggles, I got the other.
Fast forward to the end of the day. Going uphill (up a mountain) isn't the easiest thing on a bike. I had to walk for most of it. Again, thought it was going to be much faster, but it wasn't. But I haven't had much time to really time myself. I was so tired.
The next day, today, I'm having to rush again. I am getting worse and worse at timing. On my way to work, I had no choice but to get on the road again for a coast section, and again these random cars creep up on me rather fast.
I was going to pull off anyway because the terrain was flattening out, when suddenly the car behind me overtook me. On a bike. He was VERY close. Dang near ran me off the road. Guess they just couldn't wait 5 to 10 seconds for me to pull off. Bacon fart...
Fast forward again to later tonight, which was about an hour ago. I'm on my way back, maybe a third of the way, when I hear something drop. Is it the rear wheel reflector? That thing fell off the ~INSTANT~ my bike touched ground for the first time.
When I put it back on, it broke. I found another one yesterday on the ground on my way back to the house and put it on.
For about 5 minutes now, and especially at that point, I noticed it was hard to pedal. I thought it was just my shoe.
I have... rather big shoes for a rather big feet. I figured I just wasn't getting a good grip or something... Until I realized there was nothing at my feet. Was the pedal just turned weird or something? I slowed and looked down only to realize what had happened:
The pedal came off.
OK, that's strange. I park my bike, wait to see if any cars are coming, then run to the area where I heard it drop. I see it, pick it up, run back to the bike. I try to put it back on, and... it's not going on. Hmm, that's strang--
Oh. There's a lot of metal debris coming out. I rub the pedal end with my finger and it's covered in metal dust. I try again and again to put the pedal back on, but it's not happening. Out of the blue, my pedal just breaks. I have no choice but to walk back.
The next section was a big uphill, so I was going to have to walk anyway, but still. At this point I was debating what I should do about this bike.
People have already told me that if it were them, they would return it, and that I should do the same. That was a couple of weeks ago when I was talking to them about my bike. A brand new bike that I couldn't ride because I had to already repair it.
But I want to keep it. I want a bike. I want to be able to get around better and get some exercise at the same time. It's such a pretty bike, and after looking around when getting info, apparently it's a good bike for upgrading.
I'll have to contact the manufacturer again about new parts, but I heard [from forums... not a fan of those] that the first time shipping is free from them, but the next time I'd have to pay $35 for shipping.
Looking up what I think is the part, the shipping would actually cost more than the part does.
But, it's a brand new item that was practically defective on arrival.
If I can return this bike and return all the other stuff I bought in relation to this bike (front lights, rear lights with turning signal, motorcycle helmet, U-lock, etc.), that'd be a decent amount of money in my pocket.
But what to do with that money? It wouldn't be that much. Where would it go? Probably towards my kids and some other stuff. But I want a vehicle. I don't have or make enough for a working vehicle. I got a bike. I spent and saved all of my money on that.
A working vehicle would cost so much more, and even if I had one, there's registration, tags, taxes (upon taxes upon taxes...), inspection. That's a lot of hassle just to get it road legal, kinda.
And then because I'd have to find something cheap, I'd more than likely have to buy all new tires. That's expensive. I'd need a set of 4, plus a spare or two. And a set of winter tires, but not right now.
And even after all of that, there's insurance and gas. That's basically an additional 2 bills a month. I don't have the money for all of that.
What am I meant to do?
If I do what people tell me, all it does is make them angry. No matter what, no matter who. I can do everything they want and more and it's not enough. I try to make them feel better, or cater to them, and it just makes them rage harder.
And it makes me feel like I have less of a voice and like I don't really matter when I keep doing that.
But do I follow my heart? How? I spent so much time following others that I don't know what I want. I try to listen to myself and barely anything, if anything at all, echoes back.
When I do follow what I think I want, I fail faster and fall on my face harder than anything before. I'm sure all of the people that dislike me are having a grand ol' time with this kind of stuff.
I really am trying, but it's as though nothing matters. I'm at the end of my rope. I've been at the end of my rope for a long time now. A really long time.
I keep looking for a way out, for a way to extend my rope, or for other avenues to go onto. Though it seems all strands lead back to mine, with me getting ever closer to running out of something to hold onto.
What happens when I reach the end? Do I die? Do I go crazy? Do I begin the slow, agonizing decent into insanity and destruction? I know this took a bit of a detour to what I was talking about, though it has to do what I was talking about somewhat.
I just don't know what I'm meant to do.
*sigh*
I have to double tomorrow. I really should go to bed, and I wanted to a while ago, but I can't.
My kid seems to explicitly wait until I'm about to go to bed, or just getting "comfortable" (less hurty and pressured, or something), then suddenly needs out for the bathroom.
And I have to wash clothes because if I don't, there will be a mildew smell. So much for getting sleep.
Soul punch
General | Posted 6 years agoI feel great sadness and depression right now. Nothing bad happened and no one said anything to me, but sometimes it happens.
...I never really thought I'd be one to say a word like this, but... my "triggers" (ugh) are often media related. Songs. Movies. That kind of thing.
I guess because I watched a movie a bit ago and it had a bit of a depressing feel to it, especially near the end, I feel bad.
Though I don't think it was the movie itself, I think some of those horrible thoughts I mentioned so often long ago started to seep in.
Is this what it feels like looking at it from the outside? I lived for over 22 years like that?!
Oh my god.
How in the world did I survive that mental torture warfare??
I've been pacing around for the past 15 minutes. Even jumped at a couple of shadows and lights thinking they were something else.
My mind's racing with quite a bit of horrible thoughts. I can barely control them, that's what really makes them bad.
And this is just a ~leak~. This isn't full force.
I've been wanting to go to bed for a while, but like a dummy I keep staying up too late, and in this case I wanted to finish the movie (I was watching Interstellar).
But I can't go to bed now, or I'll just be laying awake for a long time, then tossing and turning endlessly all night, and will more than likely have a bad dream.
I know it's... kind of a lot to ask to talk to anyone. I don't think it is, but apparently it was every time I tried. People would pretend not to be there, would find an excuse to leave a few minutes later, or would just stay silent the entire time.
I could use someone to talk to right now...
Just to distract me long enough to kick this thing out of me....
But I think I'll just look at something funny or something for a while until then.
I have to go to work tomorrow. I hope this doesn't affect me again.
...I never really thought I'd be one to say a word like this, but... my "triggers" (ugh) are often media related. Songs. Movies. That kind of thing.
I guess because I watched a movie a bit ago and it had a bit of a depressing feel to it, especially near the end, I feel bad.
Though I don't think it was the movie itself, I think some of those horrible thoughts I mentioned so often long ago started to seep in.
Is this what it feels like looking at it from the outside? I lived for over 22 years like that?!
Oh my god.
How in the world did I survive that mental torture warfare??
I've been pacing around for the past 15 minutes. Even jumped at a couple of shadows and lights thinking they were something else.
My mind's racing with quite a bit of horrible thoughts. I can barely control them, that's what really makes them bad.
And this is just a ~leak~. This isn't full force.
I've been wanting to go to bed for a while, but like a dummy I keep staying up too late, and in this case I wanted to finish the movie (I was watching Interstellar).
But I can't go to bed now, or I'll just be laying awake for a long time, then tossing and turning endlessly all night, and will more than likely have a bad dream.
I know it's... kind of a lot to ask to talk to anyone. I don't think it is, but apparently it was every time I tried. People would pretend not to be there, would find an excuse to leave a few minutes later, or would just stay silent the entire time.
I could use someone to talk to right now...
Just to distract me long enough to kick this thing out of me....
But I think I'll just look at something funny or something for a while until then.
I have to go to work tomorrow. I hope this doesn't affect me again.
If I learn nothing else from space movies...
General | Posted 6 years agoThen I'll at least learn this one thing: bring some duct tape.
Guess I know what to buy in bulk next time I have money in my pocket.
Guess I know what to buy in bulk next time I have money in my pocket.
Psst....I need it. I need it deep inside of me.
General | Posted 6 years agoI am suddenly extremely tempted to go to an exotic pet place, try to pull one of the associates to the side or talk to them in "private", and whisper if they have any dragons.
Then wait for the response.
SHUT UP. MY LIFE IS BORING, OK? JEEZ. JUST LET ME HAVE MY FUN.
JUST LET ME HAVE-- *sobs*
Then wait for the response.
SHUT UP. MY LIFE IS BORING, OK? JEEZ. JUST LET ME HAVE MY FUN.
JUST LET ME HAVE-- *sobs*
AnniFURsary 14
General | Posted 6 years agoToday is my "annifursary", or an anniversary of the day I became a furry! I became a fur on March 30, 2005, 3:03pm.
I don't know why I know it down to the minute, but I do. So today, I've officially been in the fandom for 14 years now.
...And it's the same thing almost every year it seems. I don't have any money to buy anything to celebrate the day, most or all of my day will be taken up by someone or something (work in this case),
there are people all over still trying their darnedest to deface the fandom, there are people seemingly all over fighting about everything, etc.
And I still haven't drawn a picture, even though I've been wanting one and thinking about it for years, to celebrate the day.
Ugh... I really have to stop making journals when I'm sleepy. I feel so much like I'm in a drunken stupor. I gotta go to bed.
Eh, maybe I'll find something to enjoy tomorrow.
*hugs all*
I don't know why I know it down to the minute, but I do. So today, I've officially been in the fandom for 14 years now.
...And it's the same thing almost every year it seems. I don't have any money to buy anything to celebrate the day, most or all of my day will be taken up by someone or something (work in this case),
there are people all over still trying their darnedest to deface the fandom, there are people seemingly all over fighting about everything, etc.
And I still haven't drawn a picture, even though I've been wanting one and thinking about it for years, to celebrate the day.
Ugh... I really have to stop making journals when I'm sleepy. I feel so much like I'm in a drunken stupor. I gotta go to bed.
Eh, maybe I'll find something to enjoy tomorrow.
*hugs all*
Cheap bikes, pt4
General | Posted 6 years agoI bought this bike on the 8th. It shipped on the 10th. It was supposed to come on the 13th, but instead suddenly came on the 11th.
I wanted to set it up (attach the handle bars and front wheel, and adjust the seat), and ride it that day, but it was taking longer than I thought and I had to go to work.
The next day I tried to give it a ride, and the derailleur locked my wheel. I wasn't even on the thing for 5 minutes.
Looked up some videos and tried to fix it. I thought it needed a fix.
The next day I tried to ride it to work. I got to the end of the yard and the derailleur ripped in half.
I made a claim, but had to talk over the phone and wasn't able to for a few days. I am under manufacturer's warranty and had to call, but couldn't for a few more days.
Managed to talk to them for a new derailleur and hanger, but it took almost 2 weeks to get here.
Finally, I can hopefully use my bike.
I go to remove the derailleur and hanger, and the screws for the hanger get stripped the instant I use it. It took me almost 2 days to take them off.
Now to adjust the derailleur.
After hours of going back and forth, looking up how to guides on adjusting, I think I get it.
I go out to test it out, and the instant I get on and start to pedal, the chain comes off and the derailleur gets stuck.
I go back to try and fix it, and the same thing happens 3 times in a row.
Keep in mind, this is a ~brand new~ bicycle. I've already had to get a replacement part for it, fix it myself more than once, and I still can't ride it.
I've now had it for 17 days, have literally not even been on it for 17 minutes.
I want a bike. I kind of need one, even if I can get a working car... but I am seriously starting to consider returning this and getting my money back...
I wanted to set it up (attach the handle bars and front wheel, and adjust the seat), and ride it that day, but it was taking longer than I thought and I had to go to work.
The next day I tried to give it a ride, and the derailleur locked my wheel. I wasn't even on the thing for 5 minutes.
Looked up some videos and tried to fix it. I thought it needed a fix.
The next day I tried to ride it to work. I got to the end of the yard and the derailleur ripped in half.
I made a claim, but had to talk over the phone and wasn't able to for a few days. I am under manufacturer's warranty and had to call, but couldn't for a few more days.
Managed to talk to them for a new derailleur and hanger, but it took almost 2 weeks to get here.
Finally, I can hopefully use my bike.
I go to remove the derailleur and hanger, and the screws for the hanger get stripped the instant I use it. It took me almost 2 days to take them off.
Now to adjust the derailleur.
After hours of going back and forth, looking up how to guides on adjusting, I think I get it.
I go out to test it out, and the instant I get on and start to pedal, the chain comes off and the derailleur gets stuck.
I go back to try and fix it, and the same thing happens 3 times in a row.
Keep in mind, this is a ~brand new~ bicycle. I've already had to get a replacement part for it, fix it myself more than once, and I still can't ride it.
I've now had it for 17 days, have literally not even been on it for 17 minutes.
I want a bike. I kind of need one, even if I can get a working car... but I am seriously starting to consider returning this and getting my money back...
Merble Burter
General | Posted 6 years agoI feel like I keep throwing money and time away. Nevermind all the stuff I talked about that happened over the last few years.
Even on my off days, when I finally have a chance to do something*, I either suddenly get too sleepy and need to take a nap, or I spend all my time catering to my kids who "need" to use the bathroom every 15 minutes or so.
* = most of the time, like at least 90% (that's not an exaggeration), it's bad weather (usually rain) that stops me from doing much of anything.
I've noticed for the last few years that every time I'm just about to get my check from my job, something suddenly breaks or is destroyed (kids) and needs replaced, or one of the utilities is trying to scam me again and wants too much money.
I call it a scam. They claim they didn't get my last payment, or got it late, and so they require I pay more money, or bill me double. There's hardly any water being used, so there's no reason that the water bill needs to over $70.
Oh, and we hard our water and sewer separate here, even though they are pretty much the same thing and their buildings are quite literally next to each other. My sewer bill is often more than the water, and is for some reason up in the $40s.
$110+ for water and sewer is stupid. It keeps rising every other month. And there are more bills along with that. Even with the few extra hours I'm finally getting after working for a few years, I still can't afford much.
Maybe I should have used the money that I bought brand new guitars and clothes and model packs for others with and gotten myself something instead... Meh.
...It doesn't matter, I would have helped them out and tried to make them feel better anyway regardless, even if they just come back to poop all over me.
Anyway, even though I did buy myself a couple of things (like that bike which I STILL CAN'T RIDE!!!), I feel it's now a waste of money. They either break, or I can't do anything.
Ugh, I was going somewhere with this journal before I went on that bill tangent...
My off days and free time shouldn't be spent like this. I feel cheated some days.
I started something the other day that I should continue. I'm gonna make a list of small goals to get done when I can, mostly on my off days. I need to and will try to model AND POST something when I have free time. That's something to do.
Even on my off days, when I finally have a chance to do something*, I either suddenly get too sleepy and need to take a nap, or I spend all my time catering to my kids who "need" to use the bathroom every 15 minutes or so.
* = most of the time, like at least 90% (that's not an exaggeration), it's bad weather (usually rain) that stops me from doing much of anything.
I've noticed for the last few years that every time I'm just about to get my check from my job, something suddenly breaks or is destroyed (kids) and needs replaced, or one of the utilities is trying to scam me again and wants too much money.
I call it a scam. They claim they didn't get my last payment, or got it late, and so they require I pay more money, or bill me double. There's hardly any water being used, so there's no reason that the water bill needs to over $70.
Oh, and we hard our water and sewer separate here, even though they are pretty much the same thing and their buildings are quite literally next to each other. My sewer bill is often more than the water, and is for some reason up in the $40s.
$110+ for water and sewer is stupid. It keeps rising every other month. And there are more bills along with that. Even with the few extra hours I'm finally getting after working for a few years, I still can't afford much.
Maybe I should have used the money that I bought brand new guitars and clothes and model packs for others with and gotten myself something instead... Meh.
...It doesn't matter, I would have helped them out and tried to make them feel better anyway regardless, even if they just come back to poop all over me.
Anyway, even though I did buy myself a couple of things (like that bike which I STILL CAN'T RIDE!!!), I feel it's now a waste of money. They either break, or I can't do anything.
Ugh, I was going somewhere with this journal before I went on that bill tangent...
My off days and free time shouldn't be spent like this. I feel cheated some days.
I started something the other day that I should continue. I'm gonna make a list of small goals to get done when I can, mostly on my off days. I need to and will try to model AND POST something when I have free time. That's something to do.
Thinking of starting to stream again
General | Posted 6 years agoNot tonight, but soon I'm thinking of starting to stream again.
I'm tired of looking at a bare gallery.
Rather, what I mean is I have stuff there, obviously, but I seem to hardly post anything.
Streaming is one of the few things that helps me work, even if it's just a little bit more.
Ever since that ridiculous snafu a few years (!!) ago, and me getting kids, my ability to work has absolutely tanked.
While I do still work on stuff, it's way too slow going for my liking, and it's only on a few things.
I'm sure the people who are ~~STILL~~ waiting on stuff from me, such as the Seaduck, the kiriban(s), quite a few gifts I wanted to and should make, and just general new content have all but given up on and left me.
That's exactly what happened in the case of a few people.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. Especially not when at the time, I was doing so well and really starting to pump out some decent stuff.
I guess when certain people affect you, they affect you hard. Though I have a very important (long) journal about that matter, but it seems to be taking a lot longer than I thought it would.
But I don't want to just let things fade away. I ~DO~ want to make stuff, and so I will.
I know that there is usually never anyone in my streams. At least 90% of the time, it's just me for the entire stream.
When I started playing movies during my stream, I noticed I would get 1 or 2 people, but they were there for the movie.
But even with the movie, the last several times it was just me. That's fine, I got used to it long ago anyway.
I want to start streaming hopefully later this week, or sometime next week.
There are a few things I gotta do with this computer before I start doing any of that.
I'm tired of looking at a bare gallery.
Rather, what I mean is I have stuff there, obviously, but I seem to hardly post anything.
Streaming is one of the few things that helps me work, even if it's just a little bit more.
Ever since that ridiculous snafu a few years (!!) ago, and me getting kids, my ability to work has absolutely tanked.
While I do still work on stuff, it's way too slow going for my liking, and it's only on a few things.
I'm sure the people who are ~~STILL~~ waiting on stuff from me, such as the Seaduck, the kiriban(s), quite a few gifts I wanted to and should make, and just general new content have all but given up on and left me.
That's exactly what happened in the case of a few people.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. Especially not when at the time, I was doing so well and really starting to pump out some decent stuff.
I guess when certain people affect you, they affect you hard. Though I have a very important (long) journal about that matter, but it seems to be taking a lot longer than I thought it would.
But I don't want to just let things fade away. I ~DO~ want to make stuff, and so I will.
I know that there is usually never anyone in my streams. At least 90% of the time, it's just me for the entire stream.
When I started playing movies during my stream, I noticed I would get 1 or 2 people, but they were there for the movie.
But even with the movie, the last several times it was just me. That's fine, I got used to it long ago anyway.
I want to start streaming hopefully later this week, or sometime next week.
There are a few things I gotta do with this computer before I start doing any of that.
Reconnecting...
General | Posted 7 years agoOK, so... let's say I lost my passion for doing something, right?
And I tried some of the usual ways to get it back, but it hasn't worked.
But I ~~WANT~~ to keep my passion, and I want to move it further along.
...How do I do that?
Like, what are some maybe uncanny ways you might have gotten back into doing something you forgot / "lost" / were removed from / etc.?
And I tried some of the usual ways to get it back, but it hasn't worked.
But I ~~WANT~~ to keep my passion, and I want to move it further along.
...How do I do that?
Like, what are some maybe uncanny ways you might have gotten back into doing something you forgot / "lost" / were removed from / etc.?
Q & A?
General | Posted 7 years agoShould I hold a questions and answers journal?
Would it even matter?
Do you suck on hot dogs... or chew them.
Would it even matter?
Do you suck on hot dogs... or chew them.
Ping: 0
General | Posted 7 years agoYou ever tried talking to someone, almost anyone, and it's like talking to a dang wall?
Ever tried over and over to get their attention, and it's like their dead to the world?
But then you notice they're active with literally everyone else?
Ever finally get fed up and confront them about it, or get to the point where just a tiny bit of your anger leaks for even a second?
And you instantly get a response, a load of crap excuses, guilt tripping, etc?
Ever... question why you still try anymore?
Ever tried over and over to get their attention, and it's like their dead to the world?
But then you notice they're active with literally everyone else?
Ever finally get fed up and confront them about it, or get to the point where just a tiny bit of your anger leaks for even a second?
And you instantly get a response, a load of crap excuses, guilt tripping, etc?
Ever... question why you still try anymore?
Oh mer gerd
General | Posted 7 years agoRandomly woke up to a Charley Horse.
Just take my whole leg and throw it in the trash. GAWD.
If you have no idea what a Charley Horse is, or have never had one (hope you don't), here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G8dym3wp9o
Just take my whole leg and throw it in the trash. GAWD.
If you have no idea what a Charley Horse is, or have never had one (hope you don't), here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G8dym3wp9o
Cheap bikes, pt3
General | Posted 7 years agoYou know... I thought at least a few things would start looking up once I got this bike.
It was supposed to be able to get me to work faster, but also get me around a lot easier and be a way to get some exercise in all at the same time.
It was supposed to come Wednesday, but suddenly showed up on Monday instead. That's a plus!
Out of the box, there was a bit of frame damage (just a few scuffs and scratches), the rear reflector was broken, but most of all the derailleur (the gear changer) was screwy. It was rubbing and clipping against the wheel spokes right out of the box.
I took it on a test ride and it didn't even last 2 minutes. The derailleur clipped the wheel, instantly locking it up and I almost flew off the bike. Luckily I was testing out a basic climb and wasn't going very fast.
I got it back in the yard and saw that the rear wheel reflector had fallen off. I put it back on and it snapped in half in my hand.
Needless to say, I am already not happy about this. Ironically, none of this has anything to do with the main bike manufacturer, or the maker of the frame. The parts in question come from other companies. The frame is just fine, and looks great!
I spent an hour doing what I thought I had to in order to fix it. I'm still learning about all of this, and a derailleur isn't the most simple thing ever. It didn't help that this didn't come with a manual. I found a manual... but it still didn't help.
I took it out again and gave it a test ride. Rode for just under 5 minutes I think. It seemed to pass and I was pleased, though had to change a few things.
It's time for me to go to work and I'm already running late. Late if I were walking that is. It's finally time to ride my bike to work!!
...I got to the end of the yard and it sheared in half.
I don't care how cheap or common a product is, that is embarrassing to have such an awful control of quality, or rather a lack thereof. And apparently, all the things that I have mentioned were common faults.
I said I was going to file a claim, because I did get an extended warranty with this, but as I was running late for work, I needed to get a ride and didn't have the time to file a claim. I finally get back to the house about an hour ago and try to file a claim.
...And I was denied!! I think it might have been my fault because the wording was confusing. I explained a mechanical fault, but I chose accident, and I think they thought I had a physical accident. So now I have to call, which I can't because ALL of my phones are destroyed.
Including the one I had recently gotten. I have to wait until a specific time anyway, by which I'll be at work and can't call.
*sigh*
Guess I'm just not having a good run right now. Which would be fine, until I think about it and see that I seem to have nothing but bad runs. Every time things seem like they're looking up, something comes up out of nowhere to screw it all up.
Like some cruel karmic phenomena that has a fetish for totally screwing me over at the worst of times.
For a very long time, I kept telling myself that I ~deserved~ that cruelty. Why? I don't know. Guess I always figured that I was doing something bad and I needed to be punished.
But after so long, I started to wonder what exactly that thing was, and if all the things I kept enduring was really warranted.
I don't know.
Worst case scenario, my claim isn't approved and I'll have to pay out of pocket to get a new derailleur, which costs anywhere between 15 bucks and 250 bucks. The average seems to be around 50 though. I'm used to paying out of pocket.
But this time was supposed to be different. I had just gotten this thing and it broke on me, and I have an extended warranty!
...Guess that meant a whole lot of nothing.
I'm... just gonna take my kids out again and go to bed.
The lack of sleep I've been experiencing is some of the worst lately, and it's really affecting me.
It was supposed to be able to get me to work faster, but also get me around a lot easier and be a way to get some exercise in all at the same time.
It was supposed to come Wednesday, but suddenly showed up on Monday instead. That's a plus!
Out of the box, there was a bit of frame damage (just a few scuffs and scratches), the rear reflector was broken, but most of all the derailleur (the gear changer) was screwy. It was rubbing and clipping against the wheel spokes right out of the box.
I took it on a test ride and it didn't even last 2 minutes. The derailleur clipped the wheel, instantly locking it up and I almost flew off the bike. Luckily I was testing out a basic climb and wasn't going very fast.
I got it back in the yard and saw that the rear wheel reflector had fallen off. I put it back on and it snapped in half in my hand.
Needless to say, I am already not happy about this. Ironically, none of this has anything to do with the main bike manufacturer, or the maker of the frame. The parts in question come from other companies. The frame is just fine, and looks great!
I spent an hour doing what I thought I had to in order to fix it. I'm still learning about all of this, and a derailleur isn't the most simple thing ever. It didn't help that this didn't come with a manual. I found a manual... but it still didn't help.
I took it out again and gave it a test ride. Rode for just under 5 minutes I think. It seemed to pass and I was pleased, though had to change a few things.
It's time for me to go to work and I'm already running late. Late if I were walking that is. It's finally time to ride my bike to work!!
...I got to the end of the yard and it sheared in half.
I don't care how cheap or common a product is, that is embarrassing to have such an awful control of quality, or rather a lack thereof. And apparently, all the things that I have mentioned were common faults.
I said I was going to file a claim, because I did get an extended warranty with this, but as I was running late for work, I needed to get a ride and didn't have the time to file a claim. I finally get back to the house about an hour ago and try to file a claim.
...And I was denied!! I think it might have been my fault because the wording was confusing. I explained a mechanical fault, but I chose accident, and I think they thought I had a physical accident. So now I have to call, which I can't because ALL of my phones are destroyed.
Including the one I had recently gotten. I have to wait until a specific time anyway, by which I'll be at work and can't call.
*sigh*
Guess I'm just not having a good run right now. Which would be fine, until I think about it and see that I seem to have nothing but bad runs. Every time things seem like they're looking up, something comes up out of nowhere to screw it all up.
Like some cruel karmic phenomena that has a fetish for totally screwing me over at the worst of times.
For a very long time, I kept telling myself that I ~deserved~ that cruelty. Why? I don't know. Guess I always figured that I was doing something bad and I needed to be punished.
But after so long, I started to wonder what exactly that thing was, and if all the things I kept enduring was really warranted.
I don't know.
Worst case scenario, my claim isn't approved and I'll have to pay out of pocket to get a new derailleur, which costs anywhere between 15 bucks and 250 bucks. The average seems to be around 50 though. I'm used to paying out of pocket.
But this time was supposed to be different. I had just gotten this thing and it broke on me, and I have an extended warranty!
...Guess that meant a whole lot of nothing.
I'm... just gonna take my kids out again and go to bed.
The lack of sleep I've been experiencing is some of the worst lately, and it's really affecting me.
Cheap bikes, pt2
General | Posted 7 years agoSo, since I made my last journal about needing info on cheap bikes, I've been doing some research on bikes.
I didn't realize they could get so specialized that some could cost as much as, if not more, than a new car.
As simple as the design looks, they could get rather complex.
Well, this depends on what kind of bike it is, but I'm referring to mountain bikes usually. The more complex type of bike.
If not the most complex. Maybe there's a more complex bike? I'm not sure.
I'm not counting e-bikes or motorized bikes.
Well, I got one a couple days ago. I hadn't ridden a bike in 10-20 years, and I've never had a bike this complex.
I guess the bike(s?) I had were just standardized "toy" bikes. Or perhaps they could be classified as a cruiser? I don't know.
The one I got is a mountain bike. I've never ridden a bike with suspension, much less with full (front and rear) suspension.
It's really tall. Guess that's because of the tire size (29).
I wanted to set it up and give it a ride to work yesterday, but I ran out of time setting it up.
It didn't come with a manual (fail), and as I had mentioned earlier, I have not had one this complex.
Even so, I didn't know anything about setting up a bike, save for the handful of YouTube videos I watched back and forth.
I know after watching videos that the back tire is not "true", or totally straight. I figured everything was good enough as I just wanted to ride.
I needed to test it anyway, as if something was broken I needed to return it or get a warranty or something.
Out of the box, there were scuffs on the back of the frame. Not that big of a deal, but not something you want to see on a new product.
Also out of the box, the rear reflector (the red one) was broken. Apparently this is a common occurrence with this company, or at least this bike. Also not something you want to see.
Not the worst things in the world, but not at all deserving of 5 stars yet.
I had already mentioned the back tire not being true, and there not being a manual in the box at all.
When I had gotten off the porch, the rear wheel reflector came off. I didn't notice until I came back.
I rode it a bit around the yard, then went down the street. Seemed alright. A little slow to stop, but I can adjust the brake pads.
I turned around to "climb" (go uphill), and almost as soon as I had started, I heard a snap, and the rear wheel locked up immediately.
I almost fell off, but luckily I didn't. I was kinda peeved. I had JUST gotten this bike, and it's already broken?!
I hadn't been on this bike a full 2 minutes yet. I walked back to the house, and that is when I noticed the wheel reflector on the ground.
I thought a screw had come loose, but it doesn't use screws. I learned quickly that it's held in by pressure.
I tried to put it back in, and it snapped in half.
Definitely not deserving of 5 stars. Not even 4. Yes, I know I could just spend an exponential amount of money to get a better biking experience, but that's silly in my opinion.
I shouldn't have to spend $1k on a bike, and it only be considered entry level. Heck no. If I'm gonna spend that kind of money (which I don't have anyway), I'll just get a vehicle.
Turns out the rear derailer was / might have been bent. Already on this new bike, I'm having to repair it.
And again, I know nothing about bikes.
After going back and forth to look at videos and try to fix it, I think I managed something after over an hour.
I gave it another test ride and it seemed alright, though I figured out 3 things:
I need gloves (fingers froze after a minute), I need to tighten the stem, or piece that holds the handle bar, and I need to invest in a big booty seat.
...Yeah.
Not sure if I should file a claim or just keep at it for a little while longer.
Regardless, here's hoping I can go riding around some more like I had tried to / wanted to so long ago but couldn't.
I also hope it will help me to exercise better and hopefully start to lose weight, as well as get to and from work a lot quicker.
One thing is for sure, I'm gonna have to change my diet again.
I do not like at all how tight my chest has been for the past 18 years, especially in the last few years.
It scares me. Especially given recent events here.
So my diet is definitely going to have to change, and I feel I'm gonna need to drink a lot more water and do a lot of pedaling.
Sorry, just a random journal.
Better than making a fuss about all of nothing, right?
I didn't realize they could get so specialized that some could cost as much as, if not more, than a new car.
As simple as the design looks, they could get rather complex.
Well, this depends on what kind of bike it is, but I'm referring to mountain bikes usually. The more complex type of bike.
If not the most complex. Maybe there's a more complex bike? I'm not sure.
I'm not counting e-bikes or motorized bikes.
Well, I got one a couple days ago. I hadn't ridden a bike in 10-20 years, and I've never had a bike this complex.
I guess the bike(s?) I had were just standardized "toy" bikes. Or perhaps they could be classified as a cruiser? I don't know.
The one I got is a mountain bike. I've never ridden a bike with suspension, much less with full (front and rear) suspension.
It's really tall. Guess that's because of the tire size (29).
I wanted to set it up and give it a ride to work yesterday, but I ran out of time setting it up.
It didn't come with a manual (fail), and as I had mentioned earlier, I have not had one this complex.
Even so, I didn't know anything about setting up a bike, save for the handful of YouTube videos I watched back and forth.
I know after watching videos that the back tire is not "true", or totally straight. I figured everything was good enough as I just wanted to ride.
I needed to test it anyway, as if something was broken I needed to return it or get a warranty or something.
Out of the box, there were scuffs on the back of the frame. Not that big of a deal, but not something you want to see on a new product.
Also out of the box, the rear reflector (the red one) was broken. Apparently this is a common occurrence with this company, or at least this bike. Also not something you want to see.
Not the worst things in the world, but not at all deserving of 5 stars yet.
I had already mentioned the back tire not being true, and there not being a manual in the box at all.
When I had gotten off the porch, the rear wheel reflector came off. I didn't notice until I came back.
I rode it a bit around the yard, then went down the street. Seemed alright. A little slow to stop, but I can adjust the brake pads.
I turned around to "climb" (go uphill), and almost as soon as I had started, I heard a snap, and the rear wheel locked up immediately.
I almost fell off, but luckily I didn't. I was kinda peeved. I had JUST gotten this bike, and it's already broken?!
I hadn't been on this bike a full 2 minutes yet. I walked back to the house, and that is when I noticed the wheel reflector on the ground.
I thought a screw had come loose, but it doesn't use screws. I learned quickly that it's held in by pressure.
I tried to put it back in, and it snapped in half.
Definitely not deserving of 5 stars. Not even 4. Yes, I know I could just spend an exponential amount of money to get a better biking experience, but that's silly in my opinion.
I shouldn't have to spend $1k on a bike, and it only be considered entry level. Heck no. If I'm gonna spend that kind of money (which I don't have anyway), I'll just get a vehicle.
Turns out the rear derailer was / might have been bent. Already on this new bike, I'm having to repair it.
And again, I know nothing about bikes.
After going back and forth to look at videos and try to fix it, I think I managed something after over an hour.
I gave it another test ride and it seemed alright, though I figured out 3 things:
I need gloves (fingers froze after a minute), I need to tighten the stem, or piece that holds the handle bar, and I need to invest in a big booty seat.
...Yeah.
Not sure if I should file a claim or just keep at it for a little while longer.
Regardless, here's hoping I can go riding around some more like I had tried to / wanted to so long ago but couldn't.
I also hope it will help me to exercise better and hopefully start to lose weight, as well as get to and from work a lot quicker.
One thing is for sure, I'm gonna have to change my diet again.
I do not like at all how tight my chest has been for the past 18 years, especially in the last few years.
It scares me. Especially given recent events here.
So my diet is definitely going to have to change, and I feel I'm gonna need to drink a lot more water and do a lot of pedaling.
Sorry, just a random journal.
Better than making a fuss about all of nothing, right?
The Negan Initiative
General | Posted 7 years agoMy daughter has gotten comfortable with casual farting.
Often times while I'm sleeping or while she's laying and AIMING next to me.
....Gonna have to shut that cuss down right now.
Often times while I'm sleeping or while she's laying and AIMING next to me.
....Gonna have to shut that cuss down right now.
Missing 3rds
General | Posted 7 years agoI took some online gender role test, and my results were:
33% Masculine, 31% Feminine.
I am apparently "Undifferentiated-Androgynous".
But... WHAT THE HECK'S THE OTHER 33%?!?!
Am I an alien, am I a hamster, am I a football, am I a bowl of nut butter?!?!
I have to know!!
Stop filling me with these voids!!
(The last sentence makes no sense.)
33% Masculine, 31% Feminine.
I am apparently "Undifferentiated-Androgynous".
But... WHAT THE HECK'S THE OTHER 33%?!?!
Am I an alien, am I a hamster, am I a football, am I a bowl of nut butter?!?!
I have to know!!
Stop filling me with these voids!!
(The last sentence makes no sense.)
Super cold
General | Posted 7 years agoPretty sure my knuckles exploded. Or something.
It got really could a month or two ago, and I had to walk in that several times.
My hands were freezing. Barely out of work and in less than 5 minutes I can't feel anything but a bit of cold pain.
After a week of this, I noticed my hands wouldn't stop looking so cracked, and I started suddenly bleeding in some places.
It was... is still hard to bend a couple of my fingers. This happened a month or two ago, but whatever it was, the effects lasted.
Doesn't help that I keep going through clothes really fast, and I'm not sure why. Half of my shirts have a tear under the arm, and all but a couple of my pants are torn in the crotch region.
*sigh*
I don't know what's going on.
I feel weird. Kinda a little bit of everything. I think?
I don't know.
...Maybe I'm nearing the end of my lifespan. My chest has been rather heavy for a few months now.
That was the main reason I started eating asparagus.
I was quite literally just going to say I just want to go to bed and sleep everything away... then I saw my bed has been peed on for a 4th time today. Just a minute ago.
I'm going to have to wash everything all over again. I've been doing that for a long while now. I'm not even finished washing everything from this morning, and I have to wash everything again.
Folks, I'm sorry for all the journals. All... whatever number I'm on now. I'll be done with them all soon enough, then you won't have me bothering you all anymore.
It got really could a month or two ago, and I had to walk in that several times.
My hands were freezing. Barely out of work and in less than 5 minutes I can't feel anything but a bit of cold pain.
After a week of this, I noticed my hands wouldn't stop looking so cracked, and I started suddenly bleeding in some places.
It was... is still hard to bend a couple of my fingers. This happened a month or two ago, but whatever it was, the effects lasted.
Doesn't help that I keep going through clothes really fast, and I'm not sure why. Half of my shirts have a tear under the arm, and all but a couple of my pants are torn in the crotch region.
*sigh*
I don't know what's going on.
I feel weird. Kinda a little bit of everything. I think?
I don't know.
...Maybe I'm nearing the end of my lifespan. My chest has been rather heavy for a few months now.
That was the main reason I started eating asparagus.
I was quite literally just going to say I just want to go to bed and sleep everything away... then I saw my bed has been peed on for a 4th time today. Just a minute ago.
I'm going to have to wash everything all over again. I've been doing that for a long while now. I'm not even finished washing everything from this morning, and I have to wash everything again.
Folks, I'm sorry for all the journals. All... whatever number I'm on now. I'll be done with them all soon enough, then you won't have me bothering you all anymore.
Unliving situation
General | Posted 7 years agoCome to the house to find a lot of my stuff destroyed.
Including my Xbox 360 [wired] controller that I use to play most of my PC games, some of my master blend hydroponics mix torn out, my mattress topper and part of the actual mattress, the desk, and even my phone.
I was planning today to come to the house, get my old phone, and take off all of the old numbers to put on my new [broken] phone, and now I can't even do that.
Just waiting on the day when my dragon lamp, my guitar, and my PC are ripped to shreds.
It's like someone breaking into your house every other day and destroying it, only it wasn't broken into, it was my darn kids (or kid, I know which one) that's doing it.
Between this, work, online stuff, and all the other personal crap, I don't even know how to emote about it anymore.
It's like I've emoted so much about this stuff that I just don't know how to now. I can't seem to "turn back on".
Or maybe, depending on how you look at things, I can't seem to turn off.
Will me moving away from everything to live alone and hidden from the world really be the best move if all of my stuff will be destroyed in a week and I'll have to come running back to an even harder life?
Seeing as how I can no longer play almost any of my Steam games now, I can't even use my phone, and I still can't hear anything from my PC, I think I'll just spend the rest of the night washing clothes and cleaning around the house. After I restore my room again.
Including my Xbox 360 [wired] controller that I use to play most of my PC games, some of my master blend hydroponics mix torn out, my mattress topper and part of the actual mattress, the desk, and even my phone.
I was planning today to come to the house, get my old phone, and take off all of the old numbers to put on my new [broken] phone, and now I can't even do that.
Just waiting on the day when my dragon lamp, my guitar, and my PC are ripped to shreds.
It's like someone breaking into your house every other day and destroying it, only it wasn't broken into, it was my darn kids (or kid, I know which one) that's doing it.
Between this, work, online stuff, and all the other personal crap, I don't even know how to emote about it anymore.
It's like I've emoted so much about this stuff that I just don't know how to now. I can't seem to "turn back on".
Or maybe, depending on how you look at things, I can't seem to turn off.
Will me moving away from everything to live alone and hidden from the world really be the best move if all of my stuff will be destroyed in a week and I'll have to come running back to an even harder life?
Seeing as how I can no longer play almost any of my Steam games now, I can't even use my phone, and I still can't hear anything from my PC, I think I'll just spend the rest of the night washing clothes and cleaning around the house. After I restore my room again.
Ugh, so it's true...
General | Posted 7 years agoI've never had asparagus before a few weeks ago. I don't even know if I've seen it in stores before I moved to this state.
I like trying new things for the most part. Guess I got tired of being told what and how to eat by so many people.
Them actually shunning me for wanting to eat new things. Even tomatoes and onions got me weird looks and comments by my family.
I don't like having the world being filtered and handed to me through certain avenues...
So long ago, I went out to try new things. Turns out that I actually like tomato and onion. At least sometimes.
But one things I avoided even if I did see it was asparagus. Why?
Heh... because of Austin Powers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REXSCUjZDwk
There was a scene (linked above) where he ate asparagus and the guard gave a weird smell. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time (I... might be a little... slow?). But I figured out that it probably makes your pee stink.
So again, even if I saw it in stores, I avoided it. Then I asked about it a few weeks ago and tried it.
Tastes just like spinach pretty much. Depends on how you season it really.
Forgetting that I had asparagus earlier that day, I went to the bathroom, left, and a bit later I kept smelling something strange.
Kinda bad, but not the worse thing ever. Though I wasn't sure where it was coming from. I couldn't pinpoint it.
Later still, I went to the bathroom again, then stayed for a bit to do something (I think wash my hair? I'm not sure).
And that's when I smelled it again. It was then that I figured it out: holy crap, it actually does make your pee stink!
Now, as a disclaimer if you've never known: all foods (and some drinks) have an effect on your pee (and poop and sweat somewhat). It's just that some foods, like asparagus, have a much more pronounced effect.
I started eating it mostly because of recent events and my wanting [again] to eat better and healthier. I heard asparagus is really good for you in some aspects, so I tried it. It's rather cheap, and is rather quick to prepare. Though I heard growing it takes forever...
But I might cut down on it a bit because of the effect on pee. I noticed a while ago that garlic and onions have a similar effect on your sweat. Why do all the good and / or healthy things have to come with an asterisk, heh heh.
I like trying new things for the most part. Guess I got tired of being told what and how to eat by so many people.
Them actually shunning me for wanting to eat new things. Even tomatoes and onions got me weird looks and comments by my family.
I don't like having the world being filtered and handed to me through certain avenues...
So long ago, I went out to try new things. Turns out that I actually like tomato and onion. At least sometimes.
But one things I avoided even if I did see it was asparagus. Why?
Heh... because of Austin Powers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REXSCUjZDwk
There was a scene (linked above) where he ate asparagus and the guard gave a weird smell. I wasn't sure what that meant at the time (I... might be a little... slow?). But I figured out that it probably makes your pee stink.
So again, even if I saw it in stores, I avoided it. Then I asked about it a few weeks ago and tried it.
Tastes just like spinach pretty much. Depends on how you season it really.
Forgetting that I had asparagus earlier that day, I went to the bathroom, left, and a bit later I kept smelling something strange.
Kinda bad, but not the worse thing ever. Though I wasn't sure where it was coming from. I couldn't pinpoint it.
Later still, I went to the bathroom again, then stayed for a bit to do something (I think wash my hair? I'm not sure).
And that's when I smelled it again. It was then that I figured it out: holy crap, it actually does make your pee stink!
Now, as a disclaimer if you've never known: all foods (and some drinks) have an effect on your pee (and poop and sweat somewhat). It's just that some foods, like asparagus, have a much more pronounced effect.
I started eating it mostly because of recent events and my wanting [again] to eat better and healthier. I heard asparagus is really good for you in some aspects, so I tried it. It's rather cheap, and is rather quick to prepare. Though I heard growing it takes forever...
But I might cut down on it a bit because of the effect on pee. I noticed a while ago that garlic and onions have a similar effect on your sweat. Why do all the good and / or healthy things have to come with an asterisk, heh heh.
How-- I--- What?
General | Posted 7 years agoI go to clean my sheets, get in, and it's sandy feeling.
Not a fan, can't really sleep through that, so I wipe whatever's on my sheets and lay down. Same thing.
There's that sandy feeling again.
What is it? I always wipe my feet off before going to bed, and there was nothing on my clothes.
I don't think my skin is so dry, I'm "Thanosing" all over the bed. I usually rub a lot of lotion on me when I go to bed...
Maybe my kids? But I try to wipe them off too. I've seen fur in there a few times. Not sure how.
I wipe all of that away too, but it's still there.
I got new sheets yesterday because some of mine are torn (should have just went for the complete bedding set, but didn't want to spend too much).
I put clean pads and the new sheets on my bed. Sheets that are new, were packaged, and have never been slept in before, mind you.
I finally make the bed, get in, there's that sandy feeling again.
What the huff? What is this?!
Anyone else have that problem?
Not a fan, can't really sleep through that, so I wipe whatever's on my sheets and lay down. Same thing.
There's that sandy feeling again.
What is it? I always wipe my feet off before going to bed, and there was nothing on my clothes.
I don't think my skin is so dry, I'm "Thanosing" all over the bed. I usually rub a lot of lotion on me when I go to bed...
Maybe my kids? But I try to wipe them off too. I've seen fur in there a few times. Not sure how.
I wipe all of that away too, but it's still there.
I got new sheets yesterday because some of mine are torn (should have just went for the complete bedding set, but didn't want to spend too much).
I put clean pads and the new sheets on my bed. Sheets that are new, were packaged, and have never been slept in before, mind you.
I finally make the bed, get in, there's that sandy feeling again.
What the huff? What is this?!
Anyone else have that problem?
Sometimes I feel like one of the worst people in the world
General | Posted 7 years agoAnd no matter how many times I try to look past it, tell myself I'm being hard on myself and just ignore it, I can't seem to stop coming back to this thought.
The everlasting return to dissonance makes me feel more and more like I truly am a horrible and / or pathetic person. I try not to sugarcoat things. I want to see things as they truly are, so when I try to take an honest look at myself, that is what I often see.
I have 2 (formerly 3) jobs, and I can't seem to save even a few bucks for too long. There's always something that I suddenly need to pay for, even if I don't actually have to pay for it. I couldn't afford to pay for everything if I were to go to rent even a cheap house.
I keep saying I'll go on a diet, or I'm on a diet, but I keep failing it. I did start one 6, 7, 8 months ago I think. I lasted 3 days before I relapsed, and have been failing ever since. I think I actually gained at least 10 to 15 pounds since.
That's in addition to the 20+ pounds I think I gained since I moved to this state. I went to a gym a few months before I moved to this state, and the guy told me I could stand to lose 56 pounds. I've been told I don't look it, but apparently that's the case.
75+ pounds now I'm guessing.
I still can't seem to get out of this dumb rut. I have been in it for years. I can't seem to scrape up enough interest or motivation to do anything anymore. A strawberry and some silverware hardly count as submissions.
There are people who have been waiting for literal years for something I said I'd make for them. It doesn't take that long, even for the most complex things (not for a single model at least).
I can't seem to hold onto anyone. I haven't heard back from almost anyone in a long while. The occasional "thanks" if I buy them something out of the blue, and that's about it. I have to wait months to hear from what I thought were close friends, if at all.
I'd text them, and there's always some sudden reason why they can't stay or they forgot. IMs don't exist anymore I guess. Having to attempt to talk to people over and over for months, only to maybe finally get a 3 minute conversation before they flee again.
I've even started slurring and almost stuttering my words, and I don't even know why. People used to say I talked too fast, so I talked a lot slower. Now almost everyone thinks I'm half retarded because of it. And for the last few years, I fumble my sentences.
I'll forget what I'm saying mid-sentence sometimes, I'll stammer just a bit because I often try to say too much and shift what I'm saying mid-sentence. I feel like a broken hard drive or something. I tried learning a new language several times.
I thought that was supposed to help. Why is it that the more things I try that are supposed to help, the more screwed up I seem to get? Am I NOT supposed to be decent at anything?
Don't even get me started about the thoughts and ideas in my head. I can't even talk about most of them openly. This society -- this world in general-- is so fragile. So "offended". Can't even talk in private to "trusted" people.
"Trust". I know it exists, but that's a rare thing nowadays. Good luck telling someone something in confidence, and not having them almost immediately run their mouth and blab to whoever.
I wonder how many people I've never met or seen have forbidden copies of my most private photos, or know very private info about me.
I don't really care about age, and I know I'm not supposed to live by comparison, but I have almost nothing to show for all the time I've been here. No vehicle. No house. No land. No mate. No savings. I don't even have muscles or high intellect or even a sizeable weenie.
Nothing.
I don't look good (at all!). I don't sound good. And even though I know that I've gotten better with 3D modeling, I still feel as though it's nowhere near good enough to be considered decent or "good". Not that it matters because I haven't uploaded in so long.
Despite everything, it still feels as though I'd have to work for another 10 years just to get what other people have. Just to get a decent car, and a small house, and maybe a small bit of land.
I feel like I'm disappointing everyone I've ever known, and some that I don't know. I can't help shake the feeling that so many people are disgusted by me, totally turned off by me in some way, that I've being looked down upon by friends and family.
That they are completely disappointed in everything about me, and are ashamed to even bring me up in conversation. These thoughts don't come from nowhere.
But most of all, I feel like I'm a monster to my kids. They never get to go anywhere. They have to stay in not just the house, but this singular room all day long. They have nothing to do at all. This cheap toy barely lasts 5 minutes before it's boring again.
My oldest is clearly obese now, and my youngest, who has her first birthday on Sunday, has been peeing blood for 6 months now. I feel so ashamed that I haven't been able to take her to get help in all that time. I wonder how much extra damage was done because of it.
If I hadn't spent all that money to get that random thing last month, she'd have had the help she needs. I feel as though I don't treat myself enough and I thought the item would disappear if I didn't get it.
Though my belly will attest to that, and what does it matter when I never touch the thing I finally got back anyway?
I feel like I'm boring them to death, and even though I don't really spank or fight or do anything like that, I still feel as though I'm being way too rough on them at all times.
The look in their faces... the look of sheer disappointment and boredom... it hurts me so very much. It makes me feel just like I did when I was little and I had to bide my time for so long. So long not being able to do anything. So long just sitting there waiting for life to start.
Sure, I had a few games and stuff, but so much of my life never felt fulfilling. It always felt like I was just being hushed, or like someone was just trying to get rid of me. I was so bored and so lonely. I never wanted to feel like that again or do that to anyone.
But it feels like that feeling barely went away even after 25 years, and it feels like I'm doing just as bad to my kids.
I say kids, but they're dogs. I don't want marriage or kids; I always said I'd get dogs instead of kids. For me, my dogs are as high as I go, so to me they are my kids. Not that it matters. They are living creatures all the same.
I tried to withstand all that time and people have done. I thought I was doing well, but it seems I fell for their lies and traps and let them ~~influence~~ me too many times.
Who am I anymore? What am I? Have I ever answered that question before? How long before I can figure them out?
I'm sorry everyone. I don't mean to ruin anyone's day or put them in a bad mood. Goodness knows I don't mean any of that.
I'll just go lay down now.
Just like the rains, sleep has a way of resetting us and bringing forth a few day.
We could all use some sleep. Besides, I hardly get any nowadays, and I'm tired anyway.
NightZ everyone.
The everlasting return to dissonance makes me feel more and more like I truly am a horrible and / or pathetic person. I try not to sugarcoat things. I want to see things as they truly are, so when I try to take an honest look at myself, that is what I often see.
I have 2 (formerly 3) jobs, and I can't seem to save even a few bucks for too long. There's always something that I suddenly need to pay for, even if I don't actually have to pay for it. I couldn't afford to pay for everything if I were to go to rent even a cheap house.
I keep saying I'll go on a diet, or I'm on a diet, but I keep failing it. I did start one 6, 7, 8 months ago I think. I lasted 3 days before I relapsed, and have been failing ever since. I think I actually gained at least 10 to 15 pounds since.
That's in addition to the 20+ pounds I think I gained since I moved to this state. I went to a gym a few months before I moved to this state, and the guy told me I could stand to lose 56 pounds. I've been told I don't look it, but apparently that's the case.
75+ pounds now I'm guessing.
I still can't seem to get out of this dumb rut. I have been in it for years. I can't seem to scrape up enough interest or motivation to do anything anymore. A strawberry and some silverware hardly count as submissions.
There are people who have been waiting for literal years for something I said I'd make for them. It doesn't take that long, even for the most complex things (not for a single model at least).
I can't seem to hold onto anyone. I haven't heard back from almost anyone in a long while. The occasional "thanks" if I buy them something out of the blue, and that's about it. I have to wait months to hear from what I thought were close friends, if at all.
I'd text them, and there's always some sudden reason why they can't stay or they forgot. IMs don't exist anymore I guess. Having to attempt to talk to people over and over for months, only to maybe finally get a 3 minute conversation before they flee again.
I've even started slurring and almost stuttering my words, and I don't even know why. People used to say I talked too fast, so I talked a lot slower. Now almost everyone thinks I'm half retarded because of it. And for the last few years, I fumble my sentences.
I'll forget what I'm saying mid-sentence sometimes, I'll stammer just a bit because I often try to say too much and shift what I'm saying mid-sentence. I feel like a broken hard drive or something. I tried learning a new language several times.
I thought that was supposed to help. Why is it that the more things I try that are supposed to help, the more screwed up I seem to get? Am I NOT supposed to be decent at anything?
Don't even get me started about the thoughts and ideas in my head. I can't even talk about most of them openly. This society -- this world in general-- is so fragile. So "offended". Can't even talk in private to "trusted" people.
"Trust". I know it exists, but that's a rare thing nowadays. Good luck telling someone something in confidence, and not having them almost immediately run their mouth and blab to whoever.
I wonder how many people I've never met or seen have forbidden copies of my most private photos, or know very private info about me.
I don't really care about age, and I know I'm not supposed to live by comparison, but I have almost nothing to show for all the time I've been here. No vehicle. No house. No land. No mate. No savings. I don't even have muscles or high intellect or even a sizeable weenie.
Nothing.
I don't look good (at all!). I don't sound good. And even though I know that I've gotten better with 3D modeling, I still feel as though it's nowhere near good enough to be considered decent or "good". Not that it matters because I haven't uploaded in so long.
Despite everything, it still feels as though I'd have to work for another 10 years just to get what other people have. Just to get a decent car, and a small house, and maybe a small bit of land.
I feel like I'm disappointing everyone I've ever known, and some that I don't know. I can't help shake the feeling that so many people are disgusted by me, totally turned off by me in some way, that I've being looked down upon by friends and family.
That they are completely disappointed in everything about me, and are ashamed to even bring me up in conversation. These thoughts don't come from nowhere.
But most of all, I feel like I'm a monster to my kids. They never get to go anywhere. They have to stay in not just the house, but this singular room all day long. They have nothing to do at all. This cheap toy barely lasts 5 minutes before it's boring again.
My oldest is clearly obese now, and my youngest, who has her first birthday on Sunday, has been peeing blood for 6 months now. I feel so ashamed that I haven't been able to take her to get help in all that time. I wonder how much extra damage was done because of it.
If I hadn't spent all that money to get that random thing last month, she'd have had the help she needs. I feel as though I don't treat myself enough and I thought the item would disappear if I didn't get it.
Though my belly will attest to that, and what does it matter when I never touch the thing I finally got back anyway?
I feel like I'm boring them to death, and even though I don't really spank or fight or do anything like that, I still feel as though I'm being way too rough on them at all times.
The look in their faces... the look of sheer disappointment and boredom... it hurts me so very much. It makes me feel just like I did when I was little and I had to bide my time for so long. So long not being able to do anything. So long just sitting there waiting for life to start.
Sure, I had a few games and stuff, but so much of my life never felt fulfilling. It always felt like I was just being hushed, or like someone was just trying to get rid of me. I was so bored and so lonely. I never wanted to feel like that again or do that to anyone.
But it feels like that feeling barely went away even after 25 years, and it feels like I'm doing just as bad to my kids.
I say kids, but they're dogs. I don't want marriage or kids; I always said I'd get dogs instead of kids. For me, my dogs are as high as I go, so to me they are my kids. Not that it matters. They are living creatures all the same.
I tried to withstand all that time and people have done. I thought I was doing well, but it seems I fell for their lies and traps and let them ~~influence~~ me too many times.
Who am I anymore? What am I? Have I ever answered that question before? How long before I can figure them out?
I'm sorry everyone. I don't mean to ruin anyone's day or put them in a bad mood. Goodness knows I don't mean any of that.
I'll just go lay down now.
Just like the rains, sleep has a way of resetting us and bringing forth a few day.
We could all use some sleep. Besides, I hardly get any nowadays, and I'm tired anyway.
NightZ everyone.
