https://cohost.org/zlchxo

Much better than Twitter already and won't start banning me on dubious pretenses. I know it's unproven but I intend to be a straggler if it does decline, and I'm seeing a lot of traffic from a lot of places (ie not just furries and discourse shut-ins). I might make a Twitter as well later, but I'm making my home here. I'll be posting art, vore stuff, etc. Hope to see you there, especially if you already have one!

I meant to post this yesterday but I forgot.

Three years ago on May 29, after some mistakes in a dark period in my domestic and scholastic life and a lot of manipulation behind the scene from people who appointed themselves my enemies and drove a mob after me to scrutinize intimate details of my personal life and things I had said out of context, almost everyone I loved left me for dead. At the time, just a few days prior, I decided to try and get into art in whatever basic way I could. I had been advised/ordered to delete my Twitter, and didn't heed that until I had said something that was full epic. I deleted my Twitter and had nothing to do and nobody to talk to, so I thought I would draw to pass the time and try to cool down. I remember my hand growing more shaky as I realized how terrible things had just become for me, and barely finishing a coherent drawing, becoming even more self-conscious, and getting it off my screen. I don't remember the rest of the day. I remember waking up on May 30 to an empty house and having nothing to live for or do, going downstairs and taking a knife to my shoulders before I knew what I was doing. I sat outside in the rain and cried and heaved (for the first consecutive day out of about a hundred) and when it was done, I was still there. I rubbed my shoulders and grieved and thought, and I decided it was my moral obligation to suffer through it and learn and live. Three years later, it was May 29 again. Nothing bad happened. I got very needy for the few people my brain completely trusts, who weren't able to give me much attention (though they each did what they could), and I got too disoriented to figure out who else I could burden with my current mental state. So it was a mostly average, kind of crummy mental health day until I remembered its significance. It's now that I realize how much has changed. Tomorrow I won't want to attempt anything because of everything I have, and the far better people I surround myself with (a bit too selectively and distantly). Thank you to all my friends, especially the ones I don't talk to- some of whom I haven't talked to since all this was happening and I wanted to keep them out of it, and others of whom I still instinctually shy away from. I might not show it, but you are everything to me.

...

Also, another thing on my to do list is to make a short document in a sort of about me style with some simple requests on how to interact with me to make it easier for me to handle. And I am on track to graduate from university this summer and I'm moving back to Puerto Rico :)

Those of you who follow me on Twitter, you'll see now that my account is gone. For about two days prior to my permanent suspension for "targeted harassment" (?????), I was receiving suspicious interactions from private accounts which I believe were TERFs but honestly could have been a couple different groups. I don't expect to get my account back because the process is a joke and this isn't the first time I've gotten screwed by them (at one point my accounts were getting automatically banned for ban evasion), but I'm going to fight anyway.

That's not what I wanted to talk about, though. I was prepping myself to start using it in the way I had originally intended to when I received my suspension and I was already looking into myself a bit. I think I've found some answers. First things first, no I'm not quitting, or, really, taking a break, even. I will still be available on my messaging services. I know I have been scarce with groups and DMs. Quieter does not mean becoming even less active, this is actually in hopes that I can talk more. It's more like less outgoing. For me, the only option I would ever consider is to push forward, because I honestly need this, the remaining question is how I do so. I hope my attempts to explain are adequate.

I always bring it up in my journals, but holy crap- being broken up with in mid 2019 in the way that I was (mass block + desertion of my community) really really really messed me up. I distrust everyone. I don't know how to connect with people. I overthink everything. There's a lot of anxiety I don't need and it can feel mixed to do things I would otherwise enjoy, or it just takes more energy. When I try to be myself online, I can't help but be reminded of my younger self in many painful ways... how much easier it was. How much more exciting everything related to furry was. How the fear hadn't taken over and I hadn't started being so critical of myself and those around me.

I have a bunch of different variants of my fursona in my head because I am such a strongly mood-based person (symptomatic of cPTSD, which I have- that's like several different cans of worms so just look it up), and the light-hearted one I would use in most social settings is just... almost never me. Not any more. It happens sometimes when I meet new people (BRIEFLY), and for a certain close few. Otherwise... and this really pains me to say... it's like I cringe at presenting myself as a good person or cute or silly when I feel like an evil, stupid piece of shit. My exes took that from me, intentionally or unintentionally. My escape headspace became the site of a traumatic event. The idea that I'm a cute little cartoon character feels antithetical to what I really am, which is, I guess, way too complicated to want to be seen with other doodles in off the wall kink scenarios.

To be more exact, the levity I once carried myself with feels like a massive vulnerability, as though when people find out I have actual dimensionality and emotions and shortcomings they will hurt me and tell me I deserved it. So I take myself more seriously and keep to myself until I get lonely or horny or whatever, then once I'm done it goes all the way back off. I don't make meaningful connections because I'm scared of being let down (Internet underwhelming, which I know all about because my romantic relationships are already long distance, plus I don't share much about myself to make connections with, plus I'm so dismissive of people and overwhelmed with the whole thing) or betrayed, I just simulate them for the dopamine hit to keep running on empty until next time. I hate this. It's a bad solution, it's unfair to people, and it needs to stop.

When I'm social, I feel like a loser (who hangs out with losers) and I feel like I'm not getting what I want out of it anyway. I "CRINGE" at the very idea of trying to become friends with someone, which I wasn't very good at even before I started running away after one conversation. I start overthinking things like "I have other people I should be talking to" and "This is superficial and pointless" and "You know this isn't going to go anywhere, based on your habits". God, it's excruciating. And it makes me a giant flake, which is a trait I detest. Even though this stuff is a huge part of me, and I love the open hearted people I meet through it, it exhausts me. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm I once did. I remember failing my classes because I was on Twitter and shit, desperate for approval, now I just fail my classes anyway. (It's gotten better.) I'm in a depressed grind- not a rut, because I'm not stuck- and it makes it so hard to feel anything. I'm going into my fifth year as a closeted adult living with my mom and trying to finish my degree (hopefully this fall), and I can't feel good about stuff I have to hide. My studies swing over my head like a pendulum and make me feel inadequate. I'd buy art partially to try and generate interest and good feelings and I never found the confidence I was looking for. That's what it comes back down to- I am operating at a severe confidence deficiency that makes me moody, flaky, and reluctant.

So here is the plan. I need to move on with my life. Not from here. On to here, essentially. I'm not in the stage of my life where I can do this kind of stuff. The art sprees, the introduction DMs, it's all going to slow to a trickle because it bangs around in my head and makes me totally incapable of establishing the connections in this community that I seek in doing those things in the first place. I'm going to sort out my personal life. And eventually, whenever I feel ready, I will start being more public facing again, more like the person I always wanted me to be, that I have been and know I can be. In the mean time, I will still be around, but I will be less "fake", and I will try to communicate my mental circumstances. I want to talk less about the fursona and more about me. Not how crap everything is for me, but, you know, thoughts and feelings and stuff. Less fantasy stuff. The stuff I've been hiding. That is the best way I can build for the future and boost my confidence while my real world circumstances are what they are. When things change, I won't need to beg for attention online to be seen as who I truly am without the shadow of my past hanging over me, and things will get a lot easier.

Again, thank you for caring.

<3

Copied over from Twitter.

Life's a bitch, but I've got some good news.
I had some mental hygiene to do this holiday season. I did it, just not in the way I was expecting.
I don't know if promised art upload will be >tomorrow< tomorrow, but it'll be real soon.

Personal: being online was underwhelming for me because I was putting way too much on it. Ironically, being told by one of the most important people in my life basically that I don't fit their new life and dropped... kind of woke me up, after days of misery.
The truth is, I'm fucking lonely. And my way of dealing with this is to try and find a very specific kind of friend online. If I'm spotty with my responses to you- and this is awful of me- it might be because I'd rather spend energy trying to find that friend somewhere else.
What kind of friend? Someone who will be enthusiastic about talking to me whenever I need or want. Someone who's sympathetic and comforting. Someone who understands what I've been through.
...I'm describing a fucking partner, if you can't tell. (I sure couldn't.)
I do have partners and close friends, but because they don't wait on me hand and foot (including rapid response to my emotional episodes on demand), it doesn't satisfy. So how can I expect anyone else to be that for me? That's just it: I can't. I've been putting unfair expectations on everyone I talk to, and talking to people for the wrong reasons, and it's been completely counter-intuitive. I'm too impatient to build special relationships. I need to focus on the short term if I'm going to build long term community.
I try too hard to get people to LOVE me on first impression, even when I'm just some friendly rando to them that they have no reason to ever speak to again. If I'm gonna be thirsty or bored, I'm gonna be honest about it and accept superficial unless I am pleasantly surprised.
So I'm changing my expectations. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, maybe you've picked up me being sort of off or you can relate... thank you.
In the meantime, between now and the move, holy crap will I be lonely. But I can settle for distractions. Without despair.

Hi everyone, I'm looking to build stronger relationships with people already in my circles! Even if we've never actually talked, if you want to chat, I'm opening the door for you to hit me up. I recommend Telegram @Zilchexo, but I'm also on Discord (Zilchexo#5288). Now I am a flirt and I love digital snuggles, but I would also like to point out that I treasure good conversation! Don't be afraid to tell me about yourself. Hope to hear from some of you.

As the year closes out, I have pretty much nothing but good news to report on my life. I passed my one year anniversary with all four of my partners and worked through some serious personal hang-ups I had, and completed my most successful college semester yet.

Where I am now: I want to get better at managing my time and be more social. I feel like I've stabilized a long cycle of social burnout and withdrawal, incumbent on me balancing my social interests with personal time and my obligations. With obligations especially, in the past I failed to recognize that completing them early would leave me mentally free and less stressed, or have enough energy to care; I did have that cleared out of the way for most of the semester, but I also had a lot of personal stuff I wanted to do, and my brain gave that priority.

There's a lot of people I haven't messaged for months or years, and I want to fix this! Chat me up, new people invited as well. I have lots of free time these holidays and a mood to socialize, a rare coincidence. Invite me to some group chats too! (I tend to leave them, sometimes quickly, but it never hurts to take a peek!)

Happy holidays, everyone. Thanks for sticking with me.

P.S. if you guys know artists who will do ref sheets, pass them along to me! I have several characters I want to debut.

I've been meaning to do this for literally years because I end up having to explain whatever parts of it are needed/convenient for the scene, and incidentally, right about now I feel like it's reached a point of internal consistency where I can use it without it being overpowered. I'm going to do sort of a fun facts run-down of what Zil is, deeper than the surface.

1. I call Zil a draguar, but that's not exactly right. Zil is a five-dimensional, shapeshifting entity made up of self-reprogramming cells, that takes the form of a draguar. Between those two properties, Zil would seem omnipotent to a three-dimensional creature. This also means Zil doesn't perceive time as linear and fleeting. However, Zil restricts their own access to their powers to keep things from getting boring. Zil has also placed charms on themselves which disempower Zil until reversed that only close friends know.

2. You may have noticed me refer to characters with different appearances as Zil. All of my draguars right now are Zil, even though they have different canons and personalities. Effectively, Zil is one of my fursonas, and Zil has personas, which are the main mechanism Zil uses to restrict their own powers. They include:
-Zilchexo, feral draguar, often powered
-Zilligan, cartoony, chubby anthro (often plush), weakly powered
-Zillian Mâkhtcekso, punkish anthro, mundane
-Zillian Rajayamuy, forest-dwelling muscular anthro draguar, powered but pretends to be mundane
-Chexxi, feminine anthro draguar, mundane
-Zilchie, agender anthro draguar, mundane
-just Zil, can be in the form of all of the above and more, powered
The distinctions between these characters can be blurry. I honestly don't think about it too much.

Vore related things follow:

3. Three-dimensional food does not sustain Zil themself, although they can taste it. They subsist on what they usually call "devotion", or the care others give them, as a five-dimensional energy source. They can only digest anything that has been imparted with devotion, usually that which has been given to them or that which personally cares for Zil.

4. Consequently, Zil is only capable of digesting people who enjoy it on some level. The moment the other party fully retracts consent, Zil can't harm them (at least not by digestion).

5. Zil stores a compressed genetic backup in hibernation of their digested prey inside them. From there, several things can happen.
- Zil can use their own body to simulate prey's bodies and bring them out of stasis in a way such that they will feel like they physically are a part of Zil's body.
- Zil can interface with prey as if they were speaking by inserting pieces of conversation into their sleeping memories and gathering a reaction.
- Zil can transmit memories, for example a full memory backup, between them and their prey, and/or establish a communicative link between them that transmits everything automatically.
- Zil can reform prey by "printing" them a new body from their own. This is usually done supernaturally and instantaneously, and with matter taken from the original body, though it can be with matter taken from Zil's greater 5D body, or take place naturally in a womb too. (An unmodified Zil egg would result in prey reforming as a draguar ;3)
All of the above requires consent, because the mechanism of action requires a reciprocity from the prey that they cannot really be forced to give.

6. What about when most people digest Zil? Zil ceases to be a distinct idea from the predator, and their essence is subsumed by their predator. Zil effectively becomes another body part subdued to the command of the brain. (Zil's special digestion is consent/devotion-based and therefore requires another agent, and does not do this, though it can closely simulate it.) If the predator decides Zil should be an independent entity, their freedom of choice is granted back to them, and from there, things proceed like they do with Zil's own prey. Alternatively, before/during digestion, Zil can set terms on their surrender, like a time limit, and when those terms are met, Zil will be extracted by their own powers. Remember that this would only feasibly happen if Zil let it.

EDIT: Characters who are not Zil are typically mundane or way less powerful, but they know Zil and are held accountable to Zil, who will do "magic" favors for them or override what they're doing if they don't like it. So they basically work by the same rules.

What does all this mean for you? Well, probably nothing. Zil can still be as "mean" as continued devotion will allow. Zil can't and doesn't eat prey that is 100% unwilling and cannot be coerced into being 100% unwillingly digested. Even the most powerful limit charm disables itself when it has none of Zil's devotion to power it, and thus requires consent. This is how it's always been in my head, and I see it mostly as a metaphysical manifestation of the fact characters need interested players driving them. For those of you who like the darker side of me, hopefully this doesn't "woobify" the character for you.