I'm quiet out of fear of the reactions of others, which is directly related to why I don't comment too often and skype is so dead for me. I going to try my best to avoid being too withdrawn and non-social, I'm just fed up with feeling like I'm not worth talking too.


Nb4 nother journal complaining about myself

I don't really see the point of having a skype anymore considering everyone is doing more important things and the two or three actual friends I have I don't want to interrupt their work and such. I don't know, I don't know how to make or keep friends, I don't know how act in social situations cause the only person I interact with is myself and I just can't be bothered care anymore.




Just having another bad day

Don't be alarmed if I unwatch you on this account, I'm trying arrange my watches appropriately to my extra (clean) account. It's probably unnecessary but I need to do something to pass the time.

I got my old account back and it got me thinking, "why have only a single account with no separation of porn and clean?" Soo  Zeto-revengeance is my account for clean artwork, not just mine but others as well.

Putting twenty bucks on that card was a total waste.

No seriously, I need to learn how to do it or else I'll never get anything done. I think about everything and it's flaws, so I just sit around and think about failure. I was told to stop thinking so much but I cannot, I don't know why.

Today's day is the day what be all my birthday and what not, yay me I guess and being almost 30 is really nothing considering all the really old people in the world.

Well as it turns out using a wireless hotspot was far more expensive than I thought, so never ever again. But what does this mean? I won't be around too much anymore, no more online games and now I feel like shit due to yet another dumbass mistake I made.

Art trades may be possible, simply as a learning experience and to do more than nothing. As it turns out the reason before why I quit wasn't just because mental issues but it was also "I'll only trade with you if I like your art" I can understand wanting to say no, but could you please be less dickish about it.

I don't really do April fools, I have enough trouble trusting people and then they come up with a half assed "holiday" that's just an excuse to be dicks to everyone. Last thing I need is my month being screwed around with by folks that think their funny, so yeah.

I have alot of trouble drawing things big enough to count as a full picture, it's always eyestrain sized sprites and tiny icons. I didn't learn to draw the same way as everyone else did so I may have some handicap regarding normal artwork, just bear with me folks I'm still kinda new.

I've thrown up 4-5 times , my throat is dry and my balance is screwed up, not only that this was only after one drink. I'm a drink sometimes kind of guy and today's special occasion was my mother's birthday, so yeah but it's a good thing I waited till she was sleeping before I screwed things up.

.

I don't understand anything and I HATE it. I will never get anywhere and I keep sounding like a broken record.
Some people are just gifted, but I'm not some people, I'm just the trash I was born as. Don't go worrying about me or anything like that cause I just needed to say this, but I keep asking why don't things change? I already know why, it's me and it may be too late.

 leonardgreenland has a growth drive going on here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19363930/
(I'm really betting on Smoothy getting some extra weight/bust)

So I downloaded this app hoping I'd be able to watch streams on this phone but the damned thing won't keep any sign in data, so I have to sign in constantly and it STILL counts me as not signed in.
It's such a frustrating tease that I'm done with it.

You know I thought for the longest time that referencing other artists was a bad thing, I guess that would explain why I've been so stuck on stupid when it comes to creating art.

Bumping off a no longer relevant journal because.

Happy pitty fuck day everyone!

Would anyone even care if I start posting art again?
I mean I don't have anything special and I can't draw too well, not only that I just can't stand to be compared with anyone here seeing as most of them are more capable than me.

Every time I try to draw I find myself hating it a bit more, some stuipd part of my brain tells me to keep drawing and yet it's so pointlessly stressful I just can't. Were these damned thoughts put in my head by this fandom, yes they were but is it worth it? Hell no, I've been egged on to keep drawing by others but nothing has come of it and it never will. People should just stop telling me that I'm good or improving cause I don't see it and your just making me stress about being as good as people think I am. Drawing has become THE worst hobby ever, thanks for nothing stupid art. Oh by the way I can't draw for myself or enjoy drawing anymore all because I can't get over the fact that I'll never be good.

I'm actually bored not having anyone to talk to, I just need to hear voices that aren't in my head or are my own. I want to talk to someone and not feel like a weirdo loner, I used to have a lot of friends but it's my fault they all went on to do better things. Maybe, no I have to move on as everyone else does. Learning from mistakes, becoming new again, this is my year. Even if I don't leave the house often I'll just change and leave my self made cage, I don't want to be "normal" I really just want to be more than what I am and thanks to someone I know how. I don't have time for my own bullshit and even if I can't rid myself of these so called "problems" I'll just have to push them aside, you know what they say "fake it till you make it"

If I stopped drawing for good would any of you notice?
(I just need to know in order to see how urgent it is that I post anything)