Firstly IM BACK

I kinda dropped using FA for a long while, towards the start of the 'rona I cleared my notifications and have been checking FA almost daily and commenting on stuff/etc. I've put all my characters on a Trello so I'll be updating my profile to have TRELLO BOARDS EVERYWHERE and uploading a few things here and there :3

Secondly, Happy gay month guys!

I keep telling myself I'll properly "come out" one of these years but I never do, mainly because it's a part of me I keep locked away and don't explore so I don't really know who I am. I always slip little hints here and there but never put my foot down about it

Well I can tell you all that I'm agender, pronouns make me uncomfortable and I do get dysphoria about being female but I keep thinking it's wrong and I shouldn't feel that way because I'm not trans, things like having my period take a HUGE toll on my metal health to the point where I take my pill back to back so skip my period and now my boobs are riddled with lumps called fibroendomas, my doctor has told me it's a side effect of my use of the pill because I end up completely disgusted in myself for what my body does, I can barely look after myself when I do have it and I'm constantly filled with this intense-rejection-hatred towards myself

I've not spoken to a psych about this, I really should

And for the sexuality part: I don't know but kind of asexual?????
This confuses me the most, I'm still sexual but I don't think I'm "properly" sexual? I never really instigate anything but I'm usually always happy to go along when it is, also a lot of things make me uncomfortable when I'm involved in the conversation but on the flip side I can happily discuss kinks and festishes if I'm out of the equation so I don't think it's something to do with me being an uber-vanilla? I'm just so confused, is this something to do with my past bad experiences (there's been times during sex I've broken down crying thinking of past events) or is it my use of the pill that I started when I was 14? Is that why I never had a "horny teenager phase" or am I simply a late bloomer like other people I've had discussions with? When I think about it I just end up so upset and confused so I just ball it all up and yeet it into the dark corner of my brain, not allowing myself to actually digest and place these feelings

I've been trying to get back to seeing a psych again since January/February but the last place I went didn't discharge me and lost my file, I chased them up for a month and then coronavirus happened so this all went on the back burner

God I shouldn't have done this during my lunch break, I'm at my desk crying into my lunch

So yeah, that's the cluster fuck that is me, please use neutral pronouns if you remember <3

I've always buried this because I don't want to make it harder for trans people, it's hard enough to get the general public to recognize trans pronouns, I feel like I'm not important and make a mockery of trans people because I don't have a "real gender" I pride myself on being an ally for my friends and anyone who needs support, but for whatever the fuck reason I throw myself out in the process

Sigh

So yeah
Just like the title says

Hes been RPing with her for over a month including NSFW art and was planning a trip to go see her next weekend

I am in the process of cancelling art of our sonas together and cropping/ editing him out (with artists permission) so you will notice that if anyone actually pays attention to my FA

I would LOVE to thank

and for driving me to his to get my stuff and go out for dinner

~and~

and for being my online support during this

A dog also broke into my yard and house, trashed it and killed my rabbit and budgie too

>>THIS<< is the song of my day