..you just dont fit in anywhere.

I try to be social online but I mostly feel invisible or just get ignored. Even in groups where you think I would have common interests. I know I'm not good at online social stuff because of my humor. I think I should be a lurker.

But, even with RL friends sometimes I feel like I'm just out here by myself. I live alone so I just kinda stew here at home in my loneliness.

Plus when I do get approached I get used and abused. And when I protest saying, "Is it my turn yet to get the attention", something comes up and it ends.

I really feel pretty worthless. I'm pretty depressed. And nobody seems to even notice.

Arye was the social one that made me do social things. I really miss him.

I'm getting older and i put myself out there, but it just doesn't seem to get easier with age.

Would anyone even notice if I just stopped showing up? I wonder. I do have a fear that I will die in this house and nobody will notice. My cats will eat me.

I'm just hurting. Sorry for the depressing post, but I think I might just give up a while on stuff. The way I feel I really don't know what to do. Depression is kinda setting in. Blah.

And when I do find someone I like, guess what, they are taken. Or I just plain get ghosted.

I just need to take a deep breath.

This last Saturday was the one year mark of Arye's death. It has been both the shortest year, seeming like it just happened yesterday, and the longest, seeming like it happened so long ago.

I must say, that I am still very much in love with him.

I have tried to make friends here and there, but honestly, when I was Arye, friends just happened. Now, I feel like im struggling. I evidently have anxiety when chatting online. My humor doesnt come off very well. I made some friends, but then I stepped back. I am currently purchasing a home and its taking my time among other things.

Anyways, so, I think I have come kinda strong when making friends. Sorry if I have made anyone uncomfortable. All I know to do is keep moving and trying. Anyways, i think im going to be going solo for a bit. I miss Arye to much to even consider anyone else.

Yes, the events of the last year have been dark and dismal. There are times when I think there is a easier way to just forebode this life and skip to the end. But Im still here. Sorry, not trying to be dark, just..yes, I have thoughts. I have no interest in acting on them.

If you met me here in the last year, thank you and im sorry. Thank you for giving me a chance and im sorry that right now is not the happiest of times for me.

Take care everyone.

Happy 2018 everyone. I hope this coming year is better than your last.

I hope to have a happy 2018 too. I dont really have a new years resolution, but there are a few things Id like. Id like to not feel like a burden. Id like to not feel ignored. Id like to feel appreciated.

Nobody knows what my thought process or thoughts have been this last year. I have considered many times moving on to whatever there is after this. I feel like this last year I lost so much and I dont know why I stay here sometimes. I really dont.

Tonight i cried. Because there are moments I had in 2017 that I will never have again. The future for me is full of fear. I try making friends but many times I feel like im just not appreciated. I know, maybe this is my depression or anxiety talking, but its still how i feel.

To me, im pretty important, so i feel that if I take the time to send a message or tell others that I appreciate them, maybe a response would be cool. When that doesnt happen, I feel like I dont really have a place here. I feel like I am forgotten or unwanted. I feel that way alot.

I care alot. About alot of people, but I tend to overlook myself. I feel if I just focus on me, then I will become a villain. Im afraid of being the bad guy.

Im very close to giving up on some things. Ill just stop messaging those that dont respond. Stop caring for those that dont return the feeling. Its nothing personal. I just cant anymore. I dont like feeling like I am the problem.

Heh, hope your 2018 is super.

Today I lost my brother to Wilsons Disease. He had been battling it for a long time and kept hopping on and off the transplant list due to complications.

Im getting really tired. The last 5 or 6 years are just tearing me up. My grandmother, my best friend who died at 42, my mother, my mate/partner, and now my brother. Pretty soon I think Im going to be the only one left.

Im also thinking of not trying to make any new friends. I just cant seem to do it. I know everybody says it will be okay, but I dont know. I give up i guess. Its like a song lyric I heard, if I must be lonely, then maybe I should just be alone.

Ive gotta go work now. Today has been shitty. Oh, I also have an eye infection. Yay.

Sorry about my last post. I have been feeling really out of it and lonely since the passing of my partner. Some things happened that triggered some really strong feelings and I let them overtake me.

Im usually thicker skinned than this. And Im not sure why it effected me the way it did. I guess you just get excited about some things and then you end up fumbling the whole situation and it weighed heavy on me.

It isnt anybodies fault but my own. So, it is what it is.

Thank you to all the people who contacted me and watched out for me. You all know who you are and if you dont, then just remember its you. The ones who read these journals.

Im off to work.

Why do I even bother? Why do I even care?

I found that I like a specific thing. I like inflatable sea dragons. I decided to join an artists stream. I guess I think highly of this artist because he draws the thing I like. I try to talk about in the stream. It was my first stream so I tried to find out how to commission him and how it worked. No one replied. Eventually they said he would ask for 3 more people. Im cool with that. I waited. I joked and was having fun. Then one of the admins said for me to stop pestering the chat about sea dragons. I didnt know I was. There was more talk in there about how cute corgis were.

I had to go to do some work stuff, so I missed my opportunity the second round for a commission. But then as I sat there silently watching people talk, I realized nobody is talking to me. I reply here and there, but nobody cares. I feel so disconnected.

I miss Arye so damn much. I cry, it hurts. I try to do thing to have fun, but what is wrong with me? I dont get asked to anything much anymore. I dont know. I was so happy. one time. i was so happy. now all id o is cry. nobody cares. its clear to me now.

im so sorry.

Today I lost my mate Arye. He passed away and I am broken. I have never felt so lost in my entire life. It doesnt really seem real. I just want him to walk in the door. But he isnt. All I can do is cry. Please let me wake up.

If you would like to say goodbye. Please do. http://www.furaffinity.net/user/aryelion

So dont expect to see me for awhile...not until i save enough to get a new one.

Am I the only one who would let that orc fuck me silly?

Guys,

Sorry If i havent been around, ive been really bad sick. Is Stomach related. Ive dropped 20lbs in two weeks, and I am starving but cant eat. I have and endoscopy tomorrow, and a HIDI test on friday for my gallbladder.

Im just so down..i havent felt this bad, ever.

Just so you guys know why im not around.

EDIT:

Endoscopy only showed some irritation. Nothing major. No palups, no ulcers, no cancer. My grandmother died of Stomach cancer, so it worried me.

Was just the other day I was talking to someone about how the furry fandom is very supportive of its own kind. Then i read about this.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4459285/

C'mon, this is low. Its like stealing someones identity.

Please help if you can.

Im looking for an artist to do a 1st person masturabatory (I think i made that word up..but its sounds sweeeet) piece. Id like it to be realistic and maybe even realism. :}

Anyone know of such an artist?

:D

-Zonk