I've been having a lot of issues with the teachers of my program as they seem content to let me know to do something that will determine if I can continue the day of even though I ask a month or more in advance if I need anything.
I've technically been dropped twice and maybe later I'll explain some of these scenarios but one literally had me traveling around town to find proof of me getting a vaccine even though I had provided records then having to drive to the next city in less than hour and having been told to drive in the wrong direction before getting called and being told I was given the wrong address. Another was simply 2 days ago when apparently I was supposed to sign up for an app I didnt know existed and wasnt mentioned at any point prior as it only applied to a few students when they were sent to a specific hospital for clinicals.

So here comes the end of the winter break and the beginning of the final semester of school. My schedule is gonna be rough but if I did it last semester I think I can barely manage again. However this time I'll also be prepping for the final tests and certifications I need in order to get my degree and certified as a surgical tech. I'm extremely nervous and wish I could have just one more semester to learn and practice. I'll deal with what I can though and hope I can manage to pull this off.

Now as for dating. I admit easily that I've had basically never had a love life like ever no one i could say I was even flirting with. However I met someone a year almost ago and on multiple occassions theyve admitted that I'm one of few people they like to talk to regularly, we spent a lot of time online together, we met in person a few times and spent hours together talking and such and usually said bye with hugs and going our seperate ways. They live less than an hour drive from me and are really sweet and to me at least are everything I would want in a persons personality. Now I never considered their looks but they are a little taller than me, and are significantly better looking than me like no contest this would be the 1 who wants to date a 9-10. However for over a month I been wanting to confess that I at least have feelings for them and that if they dont feel the same its no problem I'd like to stay at least friends as they are very fun to be around. Thing is that if that were to happen I'm not sure they would see me the same. When I finally decided to confess and asked to hang out at their house or go out turned out that night someone had tried to break into their house and they were installing cameras and such to make sure it didnt happen again, they had a few parties with family coming over for holidays and birthdays, and had gotten a new puppy who couldnt be left alone for long. So havent had time to do much of anything together especially with my work chewing up the morning hours. Now that i've had time to think on it and talk more about how they celebrate things i'm having very hesitant thoughts. As they are the type of person who has a lot of money or at least significantly more than me and I keep thinking to myself am I worth dating them if they were to say yes? As they go to plays, musicals, go on cruises and long trips on a whim, have a massive house, go to steakhouses that require reservations, and have a very nice car. Like nothing from what I've seen or they mentioned sounds like something I could do. In our little towns there isnt alot like the things they mentioned and the stuff they mentioned like going on 3 trips in a month and a cruise having enough to donate to the theater that they get free tickets for any show they wanna see are all things I could do maybe once every few months before school sapped my funds.

So all my negative thoughts are in the end starting to win and im like is it fair for me to even ask if they wanna attempt dating? As I'm in a different money tier, I look significantly worse, I have no idea how to date someone, and most of all I dont wanna lose a friend if those thoughts are right. If anyone reads this whole thing can I ask your advice?

So far I've now been in the surgical tech program for almost a full semester and its going well. As I have almost 90's in all my classes. However 2 big grades are coming up and both are group projects D": my grades are now in the others hands. So far its hard getting them to show up for practice but its going well still. 1 I have to set up a case while each of us have our roles we will all be rotating I believe and get an over all and individual score. Then for the 2nd one is a group presentation and that could go either way but its gonna be a tough one as I struggle with talking before crowds.

I finally managed to find 4 people who wanna play/try DND =D wow sadly though after trying for almost a month no progress past character creation has been done with each. After trying to get this off the ground for years I asked if anyone would be able to play as usual for the past weeks and they all agreed however 2 of them once again dipped out as something came up. I understand we all got lives but me and 2 of these people really wanna play already and try out the game and I wanna try and see how well of a DM I can try being. Since none of us have any prior experience with the game and we all play online and through discord. So tomorrow night after I get home from work I'll be trying dnd with 2 of the 4 and will probably get NPC's to fill in the slots. I wish there was an easier way to find people who wanna play and have more open schedules or at least show when they say they will.

I also as of writing this have aged up to 33...Yay,whoo, hooray! *firework explosions* dont feel any different but ya its a thing for me.

OK so I just gotta get this outta my system as I've been processing it all day as it doesn't feel real just yet. Mainly about how my life basically got thrown forward by almost a year with college. So last week or so I had to take a test called a HESI exam a test of 5 different subjects and such to see if I can be eligible to join the surgical tech program and be 1 of the 30 students. I went through the whole thing and after I finished it I got my grade from the proctor and they said "oh you got a....68 I'm sorry you failed you'll need to try again later." to which I was like "wow that's better than I thought I'd do as I still haven't finished the classes for these subjects. So when I try again after I finish them I should be doing much better" I then left happy and a little disappointed I didn't luck out.
Fast forward to today and I get a call saying that the department head wants me and some others for a "information session" where they'll explain the program and such. I say ok and head over, once I walk in though to my surprise the room is empty and only a few instructors are there. I introduce myself and then we start talking about my job and my classes. The head then ask "did you do your HESI and pass?" I told her no and that I'd do better later but I could maybe join the program next year since I wouldn't make it for the spring start. They all looked at me confusedly and start pulling up my info and the test scores then tell me "the HESI is just to see if you have some basic info we only require minimum of 50% to be eligible." they then looked through my past classes on the transcript and the HESI then tell me. "ok you need comp1 and psychology1 we can swap them out with some of the classes during the program and your HESI shows you got a 83 as it was a cumulative score not just that one section the proctor may have focused on. So your pretty much in" I was shocked to hear this and especially when I was told I was one of the top 3 of the ones who tested. So now I wait while they get all the scores in and decide on who is going to be selected.

So after being employed at one of the 2 local hospitals for 3 years in december I got enough money together to go back to school. However in doing so I've realized its been almost 10 since I was last in college or school of any kind and its hard doing both this and a full time job. As although the hospital loves to say "we will work with your schedule and make sure you have time for class" they refuse to do so. I asked to remove 1 day from the week that I would work and in exchange I would work longer shifts the rest not including when i work weekends as that would stay the same. Since then I would work everyday of the week except 1 in that situation.

However that was turned down and my bosses answer instead to the problem was that I instead of getting an extra day off what if instead of having saturdays off I got wednesday off.
Which didnt solve anything as the whole problem is that at the time I had signed up for basically 5 classes (prerequisites) and they were requiring more time than I could give them. So I ended up dropping 2 classes after talking to coworkers and am now taking 3 classes. Those being anatomy&physiology (and the lab which counts as a 2nd course) and med term. I've not had much of an issue with med term but the other my god is destroying my sanity. As I thought it was about how the human body worked and the various body parts. However its like 10 pages of that and the rest has been periodic table questions, what makes up a cell, how certain chemicals/elements mix, how atoms for molecules and the whole time I'm just confused how this is going to affect me during surgery as I dont think I'll ever need most of the info. Also just the amount of work from that class is ridiculous as well since the teacher basically says here's the book and the assignments figure it out.

Hello and wow has time passed rapidly since my last journal. So time to get a few things off my chest. First off if anyone I talked to in the past sees this and wants to talk still feel free to hit me up as honestly there's so many people I wanna talk to but struggle with getting it through my own head that I can still say Hi to them.

I also finished registering today for college so gonna be going at the end of August and going through the surgical tech program they offer. Seems I may have a very slight edge over most folks but will have to see as maybe they grab it easier. Made me honestly a little sad as I found out that apparently I look a little younger than I am that I still am almost as old as the instructors. ooof really made me feel my age a bit.

So I also decided to try out this thing called barq to meet other furries in my area but apparently most are 23 or younger and I feel like talking with them will be abit odd if I reach out so decided to just leave my profile there but made it apparent that I'm looking for friends rather than anything else. As otherwise it'd be pretty odd in my book. I also learned shortly after that it's primarily a dating app, the whole time I thought it was just like a meet up type of thing.

I also aged up to 32 now so whoopy. *pops snap firework* So ya unless i start rambling about stuff I seen at work about all that's happened lately. I wanna go to another con before college but not sure which and such as I wanna also keep costs fairly low.

I'm very nervous and anxious but am bored surprisingly as nothing starts till 5pm today and I don't have anyone to hang out with till then or during. I am sharing a room with another guy but he has his own group and has left with them a few times so I'm just left in the hotel.

So far at least not the most exciting trip.

I've been wanting to go to a con this year and all the ones i've aimed for have fallen through with unexpected events causing money to slip. Things such as deaths in the family, car damage/repairs, bills being higher than normal, and low hours from work.

I planned on going to PAX, Dragoncon, Comicon LA, and a few local ones but something always came up. Well since I already took time off and MWFF is during that weekend I'm heavily considering going and figure I should decide soon.

However I've never been to a furry convention and am not sure if I should go or just save my money and either do a small trip here maybe to a town nearby in the state or just stay home.

Ok so last month I went to DC and had quite a good time. Went to most of the Smithsonian museums,the Arlington cemetery, the capital, saw the white house, walked a ton to the point of exhaustion everyday and spent more money than I ever have in a single day.

So while we were there the first day was walking through a chunk of the Arlington cemetery and got to see quite a few beautiful sights from the various hills there. Saw also the tomb of the unknown soldier and learned that apparently people can leave reviews on google for it. Was surprised to see that some people were complaining about the lack of entertainment and food. As its a tomb for soldiers what do you want? Oh also there was a lot of cherry trees blooming all around the city so it was neat to see one store was selling little starter trees in tiny buckets but I wasn't sure they would survive the Texas weather so I didn't get one though I really did want to.

The museums were very interesting and had lots to see and do but the amount of stuff on display unless you skim or just glance at things you could easily spend a day or two in some of them. Out of the ones we went to the only one that we left after entering was the museum of american history as it was mostly just about stores that opened in the US and some minor things like that. It had more of the feel that I was seeing product placements everywhere due to it all such as a McDonalds sign that was the first one to open in Japan.

As for money I once spent $128 on a meal for the 3 of us that blew my mind as it was decent food but the price was about what I would expect after paying for about 6+ peoples meals in my town. There's a few other things that happened while we were there but overall it was a great trip for me.

Now I'm planning my next solo trip though. I'm aiming to get to Atlanta Georgia to check out DragonCon as I've heard its pretty nice and it's got multiple things to do and topics and pretty big. So it should be the biggest convention I've been to as most are local ones that you can walk across in about 10 minutes or so. I've already been cleared for the days off in September now I just gotta bank up the money to cover the flights and hotel.

My family recently noticed that I've been in a bit of a funk and decided to drag me along on their trip to see DC. I've never been that far north so this will be an experience. If anyone knows anything to do up there let me know as I honestly have no idea besides maybe seeing the Smithsonian. I am pretty excited to go though and am somewhat hoping I get to see at least a tiny bit of snow but either way it'll be a new and exciting experience.

Today im now 31 years old. Hoooboy i got the minor lower back pain, white hairs on my face and head, gonna go and buy me a slice of cake to celebrate later today.

Plans I want to attempt to today
1. try streaming a game and seeing if any friends wanna hang out in it with me. I dont get viewers back when I was trying to stream but I like pretending that someone is watching as for some reason it makes it more fun to me.
2. My friend was saying if he had time he would help me build a vr motion detector and if that happens well I can make a few so i can have full motion in vr at least in my legs and hips.
3. decide on the cake i want today. Depending on the time I may either buy a full cake, make a cake, buy a slice from my local grocery store, or buy a doughnut at a shop nearby and jam a candle in whichever I get.
4. ???
5.profit

na really i dont have a 4th or 5th i just will probably treat it like a normal day but without having to go to the hospital and work today.

In 6 days I'll be getting a year older and I already feel the part of old person on the internet. Outta the goals I set out for myself I don't think I can say I completed many.

1. Meet new friendsI know I met a good chunk of people this year and while only a few stuck around I consider them to be great people.
2. Go on some sort of date. This one I attempted and kinda failed. I say kinda as I tried doing the whole online dating and matched with a guy and we met up. Thing is he wasn't anything like his pictures but he was still the same guy I talked with it seemed. Well as time went on seemed he wanted to get me to invest with him in some NFTs and when I declined left leaving me to pay for his part of the dinner. So semi success I guess?
3. Start drawing even a little bit. I have succeeded on this kinda. As I wanted to be able to draw at least a simple character but I constantly get discourged and need to keep trying till I make something I can be happy with. So kinda success as well.
4. do my best to avoid covid at work so far seems to have worked. so yay
5. and show I care to friends I already made. I know i'm terrible at this as sometimes I get it in my head i'm bothering folks so I go silent even though I wanna talk to folks. However I've been trying my best to be in regular contact and explain to the people I cherish how much I appreciate and care for them. Even if they dont feel the same or something along those lines every person I've met and still talk to have helped to brighten up my life in small ways throughout this past year and I hope for a long time.

So after having that dream it took about 4 days for the feelings to completly pass and for me to banish any of those thoughts from my head. So I've been doing better and am back to my normal self. However I have been for the first time in a long time been pretty much on my own. By this I mean I don't have any friends,family, or people online to hang out with or to talk with after work and this past weekend. Now some of you may read this so I wanna say it is pretty much 100% my fault as even though I try to keep the negative thoughts from my head I still struggle to message people. Often I see someone online and really wanna ask them questions or talk with them even if it's a single message. However that part of my brain tends to win out and make me think I may be bother you.

It's something I really gotta start pushing through but small steps as I've begun to do things I'm not used to. In an effort to try and do things I wouldn't normally.

So the big things for me at least is 1. I'm going to try and learn to do at least very basic drawings. I doubt I'll ever have the skill to make the art of the quality all the artists on here or especially the ones I've commissioned but I'd like to be able to draw my characters. I know I tried in the past but I quickly got discouraged and lost motivation as I didn't know how to learn to do better and nobody to show what I did and ask for their opinion on what I could do to improve. So as I type this if you whoever you are read this and have talked with me I'd love if you could pester me to draw on occasion and ask for me to show you something. Now I know that's selfish but if you the reader don't mind doing so I'd highly appreciate it but no hard feelings if you don't as I know it takes time outta your day and my drawings skills are super low.

2. I've been trying to do some super minor voice acting for one of my friends game mods. I don't expect to be featured in it but I'm trying and am trying to help him as much as I can to test and record game footage of it in play. I'm not a fan of my voice but some people have mentioned my voice is ok and so I'm attempting to "act" I say with the quotations as I don't think my voice knows how to change enough to fool anyone.

3. I'm trying to start putting together more of my warhammer models I have sitting around in their boxes as I have about 4 boxes of models but have never seriously attempted to put them together I finished 1 and most of a 2nd and that was all. I'd like to have them finished and maybe someday I can paint them or maybe find someone who is willing to paint them.

4. This one is not as big a project as the 3rd and 1st ones but I'm trying to build from scratch some body trackers for my vr set so i can use in vrchat or any other game that uses that. I think it'd be pretty neat but i've not done any wiring and soldering in about 6 years so I'm very unsure of what I am doing but am following the guide/schematic on the site to the best I can.

This morning I woke up feeling like garbage. I don't remember much of the dream but I woke up and had a bloody nose where I think I crushed my nose a bit or something tears soaking the bed and my face and overall in a ugly state.

From what I do remember of the dream I know that it involved my family being my dad,mom, sister, and possibly extended family but those were the main ones. The whole dream involved me basically living my live as it has up to this point but this time my family were much more vocal about how disappointed they are with me. My sister rising through the ranks in her job making almost triple what I do and rubbing it in my face. All though in actuality she doesn't but is often supportive but usually indifferent towards me. Then a replay of when I told my dad about how I was having the suicidal thoughts instead of just him it was my mom there as well. Just like my dad's original reaction he was uncaring and or didn't understand however in the dream of just basically ignoring me and going to bed they both encouraged it and said how I was more of a burden than a son as all I did was sap their resources and was a waste of space before shoving me outta their bedroom.

In the dream I remember I reverted to drinking and trying to continue my job but I got fired and replaced, all my friends stopped talking to me, and I was basically alone. I know some stuff happened where basically my parents through a party for my sister and had me basically being a servant for everyone before everyone there all started to slowly treat me worse. Things like verbal and physical abuse with comments about my looks, how I'm still single and always will be, more about how I am a waste of everything, and eventually it came to a point where one of those old hangman style things was brought out. I was ordered to climb up and as everyone I knew cheered as I climbed I wept asking for anyone to let me stop but nobody did and eventually after tying the noose around my neck and pulling the lever to let myself drop I got a last glance as the world blurred and I fell to the cheers of the party goers that I was finally gone and their disappointment was finally over.

I don't imagine most of the people I know would be that ecstatic about me going but I imagine it'd be a footnote to most for a day. The thing is the parts I remember really hurt and I've just been in a funk all day with having these thoughts.

OK so after the last tabletop thing went well I made a discord server for everyone whos interested to join so we can discuss times and such for everyone when we set up these things.

However now with having an avatar made for vrchat im trying to play it more and the thing that i discovered is that I need to play the game for awhile before i can do that. So im now trying it a little but I dont exactly know how to do everything. Now im here to ask if anyone who may stumble on this wants to join our tabletop thing for whenever we do that please let me know and also if you play vrchat let me know I'd like to play and hangout with more people.

So i've been into boardgames for a few years now once i discovered that there are a large variety that aren't just monopoly, life, and scrabble types. Lately i've been seeing them in larger chunks at stores like walmart and target now as well. So with having had a loss that affected us I asked my remaining friends if they would be interested in any of the boardgames I had and I got a resounding no. So i tried asking some of the people I have met through this site and others on discord if they would be willing to join me and 1 other online friend to play some games. Once again everyone said no usually with the answer that they dont seem fun.

Sadly not having a comic shop or something similar where i can take some games and play or join someone there and play doesn't leave me with any options. Closest place like that to me is about a hour drive away on the highway but its usually filled only with people playing magic.

For now it just being me and 1 other person I've decided to make a post on the FA forums and see if anyone has any interest in ever playing with us. So if you read this here and are interested leave a comment or note/pm me and we can talk it over.

Otherwise I hope you wish me luck in finding a few others who may be willing to play some games with us.

Today I went to the viewing/church gathering thing I'm not sure what its called but basically its a special hour of church dedicated to the person who has passed and such. Which the priest went off on some questionable tangents but overall went well.

After that we went back to his parents house where we all had lunch and shared memories and talked for about 4 hours.

While I didn't like her I learned from his mom that his girlfriend had gone on the ventilator as well and had passed as well today. So I hope her family does well as while I found her to be a in my opinion terrible person I felt for her family and hoped they would be ok.

I'm still in a mode in my head where I feel fuzzy and like things aren't processing all the way as once I saw his urn it finally set in and while I'm holding it together it's pretty tough still.

But ya as of today I've said goodbye to my friend I've known for about 17 years since middle school if im counting right and still find it hard to believe I wont see him again as he was my closest friend who accepted many things about me and shared many of his thoughts and experiences with me. I doubt I'll ever replace him but I'm glad to have known him.

So to start this off just gonna say I dont expect anyone to read this but I'm so pissed off I cant help it and gotta vent.

About a week and a half ago I met a person on here who wanted to talk and was pretty into wanting to talk daily which I enjoyed. However I knew very little about what they did in their personal life besides that they were from a different country and some minor things they liked. (comes back into the story later)
Then my closest friend got hospitalized from covid complications such as high fever and pneumonia as well as being too weak to stand. So I picked him up and took him to the hospital as well as his girlfriend who insisted she come due to her having symptoms while being in better condition in comparison.

After arriving they were admitted his GF to a room and him to an icu and after 5 days he was intubated as he was no longer able to breathe deep enough for his body. His mom is a cancer survivor his brother volunteered to get suited up and hold a phone for face cam so they could talk to him. I was sadly always working in a different hospital so i couldn't see him myself or participate but I asked constantly how he was doing.

Well during that time his GF got jealous that none of us was asking about her or going to see her and that upset me as she was always extremely rude to us and tried to get my friend to hate me by saying I was always checking her out and making comments to her when I only ever said hi as she usually just gave me an angry glare when I visited. However his mom laid into her real hard about how she was being super disrespectful to her boyfriend who she supposedly cared about. This upset me and I wanted to yell at her as well but bit my tongue as I didn't need to say more than his mom did.

Fast forward to last week on 9/10 at 9:37am cst my friends brother called me crying saying that his organs were shutting down and that my friend was going to die soon. Sadly yet again I was at work when he did so I didnt get phone signal to hear his voicemail till I was out of work at 9pm. His girlfriend simply said it was a shame he passed so young and is now living on her own. I'm still somewhat recovering from his death as he was 1 of my 3 friends who I've known since I was 13 years old.

However just a few mins ago the guy I was talking to said he was depressed and I was trying to help then he asked how to meet new people to talk to so I gave him 2 examples he could try. Then he mentioned how he hates how when he wants to chat with people who are playing games with friends dont want to talk to him. I told him that if Iwas playing with my irl friends I'd do the same to him. Then explained how my friend died recently and I wanted to enjoy times with the remaining friends.

His reaction was not sympathy or anything it was to say that basically well covid is just the flu its not that bad and people who die of it are just unhealthy and its their fault for not taking better care of themselves. This pissed me the hell off and I told him how if he had read my profile here or looked at some of the journals/ art he would see i deal with patients all the time and that he was wrong. So he doubled down and kept saying it was my friends fault. I told him he was very wrong and how I have had to load trucks of bodies of various ages and types of people and am still helping people to live and he was like well they shouldnt be there they just need to excercise and take better care of themselves.

So I blocked him on discord, telegram, steam, and he is now the first person I've had to block on this website. As my hands were trembling in anger and now I hope to never hear from this person again.

I've been playing since about the beginning of this month for about an hour a day or so and have been enjoying it so I decided to take the plunge and buy the complete pack and play the game in full compared to the trial version.
I was wondering if anyone had any tips I should know or maybe wanted to play together as at the moment I have a single irl friend who plays but not too often.

Hello again to who ever reads this it's been a little while since I made a journal. It's been pretty tough at work yelling at doctors, my boss, and nurses, saw another spooky thing, saw a bit of an organ harvest, and in my personal life i've cut a friend from my elementary days out of my life as he got super political on me about "my part in the hoax of the virus".

HOWEVER! I've been in relativly good spirits lately even with all that happening as my other 3 friends have been helping me stay positive and a few online friends who I met here have been helping as well.
I know awhile back I asked if you wanted to talk to me to send me a message on my discord and I haven't gone back to talk to most of you to which I apologize but I'm terrible at knowing when I can message you back. I'll most likely be trying to reach out to some of you again to see if you wanna hang out or chat and such still. But if you anyone reading wants to feel free to contact me again or for the first time as I'm still trying to be more social.

finally onto the title of the journal
The Marble League 2021 is finally back after a year and its time for the marblelympics. I know it's just little marbles rolling around for the most part but the production and little things they do help sell it as a little world. Such as fights in the stands and the occasional streaker. I don't know what other little odd things there are to be excited about online these days but if you want to share anything please comment or message me so I can check them out.
As for the video journal of me basically retelling all or some of my stories I've posted here I wanted to go all out and add effects and such to the video as I'm telling the story but after attempting it I dont have the editing know how to do it in a decent way or for certain things at all. So I'll probably be recording myself telling the stories as is with maybe a picture thrown in or just me telling the story as editing the videos is harder than I thought for something I think is relatively simple.

I've been thinking of doing maybe 1or 2 vlog/video journal? For awhile now simply a video not showing my face but the rest of me and maybe retell some of the stories I've put here as well as some of the others that I have yet to put or tell anyone.

Is this something anyone would watch or want to hear?

So my SSD drive with all my commissions died on me and now I'm trying to scrounge around and find everything again spread everywhere. Sadly I wasn't thinking it'd die so I never made a proper backup. I got a new hard drive in and slapped it in and now everything's fine again though. But am still sad that a couple of adopts and commissions I didn't post are most likely gone forever.

If you are more tech savvy than me feel free to offer suggestions here is what I know so far. the drive had windows and had all my main files on it. If i pop it into an external hard drive case and plug it in via usb the computer registers something connected by making that little connect sound but doesn't show the drive as accessible. I thought if I did it like that maybe I could get to the files that way but sadly no. The drive came with my desktop when I bought it and so it isnt anything fancy in fact I've never heard of this brand called Adata model SU630.

If you wanna make a donation to fund my computer hard ware replacements and such feel free to donate that money into your wallet and keep it there. As much as I'd like a donation I don't feel that it's proper in this case as I was a dumbass and felt assured my computer was not going to have an issue like that in 1.5 years of me buying it.

However I will accept a pity comment if anyone decides to read this.

Thanks to everyone who took a moment to comment on my last journal I was in a pretty dark place at the moment as a therapist at work gave me a concerning message and well I don't have anyone I feel I should bother with the news. So I threw it online not expecting anyone to read it but just as a way to vent. It seems there's others who have talked with me in the past who are in a similar boat so I want to try and force myself to be better and reach out to some of you maybe we can help each other in some way, I don't know.

I don't know why but I often try to befriend people but get so self conscious about annoying them I stop saying anything.

Once I do feel comfortable with someone I start feeling I guess clingy in that I want to talk often.but the first thing often prevents that.

Whenever I'm having a problem and I don't have anyone to turn to ill type a message to someone or pretend to talk to someone out loud to try and vent the issue or as ball it up and suppress it until I die or it explodes out of me.

I discourage myself constantly.

Am constantly trying to help or improve something about myself but beat myself back down.

I still remember how I confessed all this to my father once and all he said is just keep going and patted my shoulder and walked away.
Just wanted to throw this into the void and see if this helps lift my mood at all.

So I thought I had made this a journal story already but apparently not. So here is the story of my first ever task given to me when I finished training at the hospital.

The Leg Incident

So after being in training for about 2 months I was thrown into the evening shift on my own. As a surgical assistant in what I assume to be a fairly small department as we only have 20 operating rooms being thrown out on my own was pretty scary. As during the day there were multiple people in the same role as me plus other various staff walking around after around 3pm it's considered after hours and most of the staff goes home or starts to get sent home as they finish all the operations for the day under each doctor. So my shift at the time was from 1pm to 9:30pm or until either all but 1 case was left or the nurses in charge said they could manage from there without me. Most nights this meant I stayed till 1am or later every day M-F or every 4 weeks Sunday to Saturday for 2 weeks straight.

So anyway when I say task I mean I was told to do something without anyone to help me and I would be completely alone doing what I had to. So for this story I will be using names of my characters to cover the actual names.

Time was around 7pm and one of the last surgeries was going this one was for Dr.Maya a surgeon who specializes in amputations usually diabetic patients. I've seen her walking around the hospital where apparently she will visit the patient and examine the part that needs cutting off if its something not too severe she will apparently do it there in the patients room I've been told. So as I was walking around doing some minor chores like making sure we had enough supplies for the next day and placing orders if we were low I heard them page me to the room. As I walked over I was excited but nervous in as to what they would ask me to do. Once I walked into the room the nurse handed me a red bag with a biohazard logo on it. After putting on some gloves I grabbed the bag and was hefting it abit as it was heavier than I imagined and asked what it was. Dr.Maya laughed and pointed at the empty spot where the man's leg had been and now from mid-thigh down was missing. I wasn't disgusted but was curious so I poked the bag abit to see how it would feel. She then told me to stop as the bone shards inside were sharp and could puncture the bag if I wasn't careful. The nurse then instructed me to take it across the hospital to the pathology lab so they can store it and dispose of it in the morning.

So off I went to the lab on the way I have to pass an ICU area full of patients' familys and I remember feeling like they were staring at me in my scrubs with this strangely shaped bag walking by and squeezing through them as some refused to move out of the main walk way. Finally after trying to remember how to get there I found my way and walked up to the pathology lab however since it is in back of the blood-bank and pharmacy there was a line of other staff members who needed to get various things. So I shyly walked though them to get to pathology and walked inside past the door.

After getting there I saw a single person behind one of the counters. I approached and asked who was in charge as I needed to drop something off. I eyed her badge and saw her name was Tala and realized she wasn't paying attention to me as I got to the counter she was actually reading a book instead. She then said "the lab is staff is mostly gone and we are basically closed unless the surgeon calls in the pathology doctor." (I later learned she basically was in charge of calling in the pathology doctor and making sure everything in that lab is kept stocked and maintained) "So what can I do if I need to drop this off then?" I asked and lifted the bag and put it on her desk/counter right next to her. "JESUS CHRIST!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING GET IT AWAY!!!!" she yelled in shock and horror as she stared at it wide eyed.
For some reason it didn't register to me what I did or with what and calmly said "It's a leg I needed to drop off and now I don't know what to do with it" I said and put a hand on my hip as I searched my pockets for my work phone to call and ask the nurse. Tala just pushed it away and said "Just get it away. Look go to the back there's a freezer just toss it in there with a note on it saying its from surgery."

After that day her and a few other techs for the pathology lab would see me and say "oh no what do you got now" as they saw me coming. Sometimes they were curious and would take a glance for things like ear lobes or a part of a finger but feet,toes, and whole fingers/toes were too much for them. We became somewhat friends till they left and occasionally had lunch together in the cafeteria.