Can I love you without holding you?
Need you without touching you?
All my senses scream no.
And yet here I sit alone.
Of course I'm thinking of you.
Which is why i write these words.
You're more then likely sleeping.
I'm awake and fully alert.
Last night the dreams I was having
Had me waking wanting more
So I lay there, struggling and panting
As my heart began to soar.
You know... you drive me crazy
And I don't know what to do
Because a simple friendly touch
Means more to me then it does to you.
So I'll pretend a little longer,
That my dreams are real.
So that next time when I see you
I'll be strong enough to hide what I feel.
These words, though they might reach you,
Will never do me well
Because even you read them
You'll think they're for someone else.
I won't say that I'm hopeless
Because I know I will survive
Its just that I'm always wishing
I meant more in your life.
~Kita-kins~

It’s funny sometimes. Sitting back, watching someone you like when they don’t know you like them. It sends shivers up your spine. Electric. You have to resist the urge to reach out and touch them, because if you caress their cheek like you want to…. They’d know. Its against my will to sit and do nothing. Tail practically hung low in defeat before I’ve even made an effort, ears splayed in a submission that is nearly foreign to me. But there is only so much you can do when the one you like already likes another. Your eyes track them…. Almost as if they are prey to be caught, your muscles quiver with anticipation, but you remain still, your heart pounding away as if it may burst at any given second with no way to release the raw hunger trapped inside.

Your mind begins to weave delicious fantasies, tantalizing you, pleasing you, your fingers twitching, begging for permission to make that first bold move as the low rumbling purr starts to build in your chest, surging its way upward, ready to explode from you as your tongue darts out along the muzzle of that special one…. But reality slams its curled fist into your gut and knocks the air out of you, leaving you fumbling, gasping, trying to cover your ragged emotions behind a gentle smile when what you so desperately desire is to yank that lithe body to yours and plunder their waiting lips, claim them, dominate them…. Almost as quickly as that overbearing desire comes it is swept away on waves of tenderness, and you feel tears burning behind your eyes as you stare hopelessly at that which you can never have.

The “what if’s” so often formed only serve to remind you that what you want is forbidden to you. The crushing despair almost more then you can handle…. But inadvertently, they say something that boosts you up, makes you stronger, makes you stand tall beside them in the roll of friend. Wondering if they will ever know how long you admired them from afar before you worked up the courage to speak to them and form the budding friendship.

You tell yourself that you’ll be fine. You were born to survive. But instincts can’t heal a hurting heart. And too easily new bruises form. It makes you wonder, how much can you take, until you begin to fade away?


~Kita-kins~