Hey, everyone! how have you been?
Long time in no write a journal here as I used to do it before.

A lot has happened this year, things that make me wonder: Am I doing things wrong?

At the beginning of this year, my mother had a drastic spike in her blood pressure, causing her right eye to lose some vision. I've been looking after her, going to her medical appointments with her and reminding her to take her medication at a certain time. My mother is a very strong and resilient person (she grew up in the countryside), however, all of this has been difficult for her.

I stopped smoking weed at that time, and I haven't used it for almost nine months, although I'm struggling to quit smoking tobacco, which hasn't been easy. In addition to that, since I associated weed with drawing, and quitting smoking it, my artistic process had been affected. My art looks downgraded a bit lately for that reason.

Sometimes I panic just seeing my laptop, and I often procrastinate—I procrastinate a lot.

My siblings are also going through difficult times: my sister was diagnosed with an illness that originated from fibroids in her uterus. They don't know for sure what it is, and she's so affected that she often argues with her husband. My brother has lost contact with his daughter due his divorce and barely makes ends meet, drowning his sorrows in whiskey.

They complain to me frequently because the fact I'm with my mother, critizice me that I'm in a better position than they are, which lowers my self-esteem even more than it already is because I think they don't see me as good enough.

Even so, things were improving a little. I managed to put together a pack of Bandit images for my Patreon in a short time, and I felt a bit more empowered as an artist...until a month and a half ago.

There are some neighbors who set up a food stand on weekends next to my house, which is located across from a public park. They always left their trash near my house and didn't take it away. My mother and I had told them about it, but they didn't listen. I posted about the situation on Facebook, encouraged by my mother.

These neighbors reacted violently, breaking into my house and hitting my mother and me. In that moment of adrenaline, I got involved in the fight to defend my mother, and they hit me many times. One of the neighbors kicked me and broke my left collarbone.

The police arrived quickly and stopped the fight, but they did nothing more than fine the neighbors, who played the victim card, saying that my mother and I had hurt them, making up the excuse that we wanted to take away their food stand. Honestly, the police in my country are incompetent....

I had to go to the emergency room with my mother to get treatment, and the next day we filed a complaint with the prosecutor's office against those aggressive neighbors.
I was unable to move my left arm for almost a month. Now I can move it more or less okay, but I can't lift things or make any sudden movements.
The most unbelievable thing is that those neighbors continue to set up their food stand next to my house, defying the police and the other neighbors, thinking they're untouchable and laughing at my mother and me while the prosecutor's office drags out the case against them. At least they started to pick up their trash.

How do I feel?
Scared, angry, and also with that feeling of abandonment and helplessness.

Even though I'm with my mother, I feel truly alone, unable to do anything but face the fear of going for walks with my dog ​​like I used to, with the feeling that I could get hurt.

And many will say: Hey, you're playing the victim. Look on the bright side.

And I tell them they wouldn't say that if the same thing happened to them. For a person with anxiety and depression like me, facing these things is quite hard. I'm not a "normal" person like those who say that.

Even so, they have a point: Living in a country as violent and unfair as Colombia, I'm grateful that something worse didn't happen.
....
I hadn't told on what's been happening in my life until now. I didn't feel like talking about it. Even so, it's part of what I have to do to feel calmer.
I've been seeing a psychologist to learn ways to cope with all of this; it hasn't been much, but at least I can vent.
I just hope things get better even though the universe is against me.

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Thank you a lot for reading my journal. I apologize if this whole journal has upset you or sounds pretty negative.
Some people have been concerned about my lack of interaction on social media. So, I apologize for the lack of updates and art activity.
I'm doing my best in bring new art while going through all of this situation.
If I wanted to escape this, I could do it through my art.
Reality hits harder than a kick in the collarbone.
I just hope things turn well...I dunno.
Thanks a lot for your support, guys.
---Kenji---
PD.
To avoid dwelling on how grim my life has been, I have to tell you that my ex-boyfriend had surgery to remove his throat tumors and, after a long course of iodine therapy, he has recovered. My ex has been the strongest person I've ever known, stronger than me. Despite everything we've been through, I admire him for it.