I'm in the hospital as I type this. On my mobile phone in this freezing fucking room. My mom left some time ago and I am not sleepy for once. Which leaves me sadly alone with my thoughts. I figured I may as well type it out and this was the first place that came to mind. Easy place to let off some steam without worry of being overly judged. Not looking to solve anything. Not looking for support or comments.

Just.....what the fuck.

I mean...I don't even know anymore. Like...this was really unexpected. I know things happen and of course, you don't expect things like this to happen. But this time it was just.....wow. I have had my share of near deaths a plenty in my life with my health issues. However, the past few times have been a lot more frequent in my later years. I mean, I had just recovered from food poisoning just a few days before I got really ill and put in ICU Saturday.

I almost died again. I almost died. And as I have been laying here, all I could think of was Monty Oum. I didn't know him personally but I knew his work very well. I loved him. I loved him deeply and admired him from afar. I loved his integrity. His strength. His inspiration. And when he died. I was devastated. It broke my heart and I have yet to get over it.

I think about myself and Monty. Nothing alike....yet.....

He died so young, so suddenly. Yet he left a legacy of himself. And it shames me. I want so much to actually do something with myself, for myself.....something I love and can be proud of.

I have worked all my life. From childhood. Cared for others.....struggled for others. But I doubt that will be a legacy to be treasured.

I can't stop working. But really....I'm struggling. And for what? What am I fighting for? Myself? Someone who could just go into another diabetic coma. Pass away with nothing to leave behind? For the others who would be fine without me?

I keep having these selfish thoughts....to just let someone else take the reigns.....just for a little while. Just long enough for me to focus on getting a better education or at least do something I enjoy doing....draw....animate. Voice acting. Make a you tube video. Finish a game. I never have time.....time seems to be running out for me...

And there is no one to take the reigns for a bit. Just me. My family needs me.

I want to do something....I want to draw.....

Either that or just....go ahead and kick the bucket already. This isn't living. I'm a robot.

A tired robot....